I was going to do a #caturday post with the title "The Real Identity of LoBorn Revealed" because I know how much people eat that shit up here at Xanga.  I was getting so sick of seeing comments about LoBorn and posts about LoBorn.  Why does Xanga focus so much of all it's energies on one person?  I think some people have a sick obsession with that individual and I have a sick obsession with cats.  Quit talking about LoBorn and look at some cats!

Spread the word, my minions, that today is Caturday and every day is Caturday.  Oh and thanks for ignoring LoBorn this week.

It's hot and I can't sleep and I have to be up in a couple of hours so I'm going to write this post.  I don't know why.  Yes, I do.  All three of you will enjoy it, that's why.

Weston Cage is proving to be crazier than his father.  Weston and his wife were arrested for domestic disturbance and violence over the weekend.  The next day they announced their plans for divorce.  The worst part is that Weston's wife is pregnant and as drinking when she attacked Weston with a wine bottle.  She admitted that she and Weston had problems in their relationship and that they are just very passionate but not crazy.  Well that's a relief...whew!  They also plan on heading to rehab.  I hope for the sake of the baby that they stay dry for the next few months or YEARS.  And Nicholas Cage is sitting back and saying, "Jesus Christ, my son is nuts."  Of course he said that after bidding at auction on another dinosaur skull.

Sylvester Stallone turned 65 this week.  I can only pray that he retires and begins collecting social security so we'll never have to put up with another Rocky movie.  And if he wants to do more acting, alright let's just hope he learned how to pronounce consonants and that Rocky is retired or dead.  Seriously, that last Rocky movie was painful.

Here is a still shot from Selena Gomez's new movie Monte Carlo.  It looks like they have a smash hit on their hands or at least I'd like to get my hands on their smash hits.  I think they really geared that movie for the specific demographic of 21-49 year old men who like to wear baggy sweatpants and sit in the corner in the back of the theater.

Rosario Dawson announced that she was going to attend Burning Man this year and she planned on making an elaborate piece of art.  Because Burning Man is held in the desert, it gets rather hot and Rosario's art display will help people beat the heat.  She plans on designing a slide that looks like a penis and people will slide down into a tent that looks like a vagina and the vagina will shoot a delightful mist of rose water on them.  Did you know that most of the people who go to Burning Man are strung out on drugs?  Hmm a giant vagina that shoots at people?  Rosario, that isn't really original.  Paris Hilton's does that but she's still attached to it but Paris' kills everything in it's path. 

You mean to tell me you've never seen a mother of 14 wearing a flag bikini and party hat?  Well, now you have.  This is exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote the Declaration of Independence.  Screw all that crap Glenn Beck spews about the Founding Fathers.  OCTO-MOM is what they had in mind. And she was what George Washington was refering to when he addressed Congress in 1790: "To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace. And we must be prepared for women who want to visit fertility clinics because they are addicted to having children."

Natalie Portman announced the name of her son.  It's Alef Millepied.  And people think Casey Anthony is a horrible mother but at least Casey Anthony isn't as pretentious as Natalie.  OK so maybe Alef isn't that bad because it's the first letter in the Hebrew alphabet and also means "leader".  I'm not going to knock the name that much because if you drop the "e" you have the name of my favorite celebrity.  I just hope a burning bush shows up at recess when the other kids try to kick his ass.

I know I've said this a few times around Xanga but does this mean that if you are anti-gay marriage then you're pro-child murder?  Miley is a lighthouse of intelligence in the darkness of anti-gay America.  She's still a hillbilly.  "You know the world is skewed"...LOL she is so funny because this is the Miley Cyrus who is a semi-retarded whore who has only been famous for transforming 10 year old girls into pole humping harlots and she pretends to lecture America on it's justice, laws, and morals.

It appears as if Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are trying to sell denim shorts.  Nothing sells denim shorts quite like a pose that says "I'm helping my sister because she's constipated and constantly straining."

So is that Geronto-Bear behind Lindsay Lohan?  She is really old but she does have the mind of a 12 year old which sort of explains her compulsive behavior.  Yep, she's old.  She turned 25 this week.  Wow, she sure has longevity.  By now I figured she'd be stripping in a seedy strip club.  Lindsay also told us her thoughts on jail this week.  She said, "Unless you're a killer, I don't see a reason to stay there. I never hurt anyone but myself."  And when she murders someone she'll claim she was misquoted.  Writing about her has become exhausting. 

Leann Rimes tweeted this photo and now I want some mo'.  I can't rhyme because I have no patience or time.  This is why I write haikus.

Here's another photo that was taken of Leann Rimes over the July 4th holiday weekend.  She's rubbing her belly because it's filled with hot dogs and apple pie and she isn't rubbing her belly because it's constantly growling because she has an eating disorder.  So what if she only weighs 89lbs?  A lot of 10 year olds weigh that much and we don't care about them.

Lady Gaga just told us how to rid the world of her: "If you were to ask me to remove my Philip Treacy hat at a party, in truth it's the emotional and physical equivalent of requesting I remove my liver." I think she's hinting that we should aim for the head.  Removing her hat would shut off her liver but I've known a few people that lived without a functioning liver so we have to think of other ways to shut down her organs.  If we get all the gays to stop sending her their money then her heart would stop.  If we somehow could band her from any exposure to Madonna then that would be the equivalent to a .45 to the brainstem.  A new book about her is claiming that she has horrible eating disorders and goes for weeks without eating.  They also claim that her disorder is making her lupus even worse.  It has accelerated and has caused her to lose massive amounts of hair which is why she has taken to wearing so many wigs.  And on top of all this, the author claims people say she does every drug under the sun.  The real person behind the Lady Gaga character has died.  I don't know if I should be happy or sad here.

Kobayashi was not at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest this July 4th because he refused to sign an exclusive contract with the Major League Eating circuit.  He held his own hot dog eating contest and ate more hot dogs than Joey Chestnut's record of 68.  Kobayashi ate 69.  It wasn't official since it wasn't an official contest.  Yep, it was a slow week.

I really don't know what to make of this story.  On June 24th, Katt Williams' tour bus pulled into a Jack-in-the-Box restaurant.  At the same time, a retired police dog named Lester (on the left) got loose from his owners.  Lester ran toward the bus and something made him go mad and he bit at one of Katt's bodyguards twice.  The bodyguard fought back by shooting the dog dead.  Katt came running out of the bus and saw the dead dog.  The owners came running and Katt told them that he would fire the bodyguard who killed their dog.  Katt told them to wait and he went in back of his bus and brought back the Mastiff puppy on the right and presented him to the owners of Lester.  So is it pretty normal for people to carry spare puppies on tour buses?  The family was happy with the new puppy and told TMZ that they were pleased that Katt took responsibility for killing their dog and that they will never go to Jack-in-the-Box again.  I suppose they think that it was Jack-in-the-Box's fault that the dog went mad.  The police showed up and tried to investigate but no one was willing to press charges.  So I guess this was odd for me because his name is Katt Williams.  Also it just goes to show you that love is made and killed in a fast food parking lot.

Katie Holmes was in Miami this week and I think we finally know how Tom Cruise controls her mind.  It's that knob on her stomach, right? 

Remember this guy?  His name is Jeremy Jackson and as of late he's famous for his stint on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Death Trap Rehab.  His break out role was playing David Hasselhoff's character's son on Baywatch.  Well Jeremy said on a recent episode of the Rehab show that he refused to drink bottled water because it has been known to cause bisexuality.  Well maybe if you mix it with steroids and crystal meth...right, Jeremy?

@raiderjester  you don't want Courtney Love in these round-ups?  Well you now get Janice Dickinson.  You are welcome.

It was announced this week that James Spader will join the cast of The Office.  He will resume his role as the eccentric Robert California not as the new manager of the Scranton branch but as the CEO of Sabre.  Kathy Bates played the former owner and CEO, Jo Bennett, but she will be leaving to focus on her new show.  California will be hired to be the new manager but within hours of his first day he gets a promotion and then within days he takes over the company.  I can't wait and am very anxious for the new season.

I really hate Gwyneth Paltrow.  In a recent interview with a British newspaper she was asked if she liked cheese from a can.  Gwyneth said this: "I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can."  There is nothing as enjoyable in this world as sitting back on your couch late at night and taking out that can of spray cheese, opening your mouth, and spraying it directly into your mouth.  Why does that seem sexual?  After reading about her being so pretentious I'm going to have to smoke crack or eat some cheese.

Daniel Radcliffe said "Expelliarmus" to alcohol because he claims that he was starting to rely on it: ""I became so reliant on [alcohol] to enjoy stuff. There were a few years there when I was just so enamored with the idea of living some sort of famous person's lifestyle that really isn't suited to me.  I'm actually enjoying the fact I can have a relationship with my girlfriend where I'm really pleasant and I'm not fucking up totally all the time.  As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn't work for me. I do that very unsuccessfully. I'd just rather sit at home and read, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh. There's no shame in enjoying the quiet life. And that's been the realization of the past few years for me."  What he lacks in height he makes up for in maturity.  I agree with him.  There comes a time in every drunk's life when he realizes that sitting in a bar getting plastered isn't as fun as it once was and then he goes to his house and pukes in an empty pitcher after he ate raw Ramen.  Like him I'd rather sit at home and read porn and talk to my cats.

Connor Cruise was in Miami this week and he's definitely not like father like son.  I think Tom Cruise had a glib attack and his thetans are all out of whack so now he'll have to have a barley water enema while reading Dianetics.

It was announced this week that Comedy Central will be doing a roast of Charlie Sheen.  I think this will be epic.  Charlie says he has been giving people plenty of material for a roast in the past year and that nothing from his life will be off limits.  The roast will be filmed on September 10th and will be aired September 19th which happens to be the same day as the season premier of Two and a Half Men.  Hmmm which do I watch and which do I record?  Last week I mentioned how Charlie possibly made up the idea of TBS giving him a TV show.  Well it may not be made up.  People are saying that the writer behind the Adam Sandler/ Jack Nicholson movie "Anger Management" is writing a show based on Nicholson's character which will be played by Carlos.  There is no word on the title yet and people are also claiming that TBS wants to keep it secret which is odd since they promote the living shit out of their programming.  They promote it so much that you get sick of it before it even airs.  This week Charlie also announced that he will be making an appearance at the annual Gathering of Juggalos.  He said that he was down with the clown.  Charlie Sheen and ICP...wow, I'm speechless.  Either Charlie will be declared king of the juggalos by noon or natural selection will final catch up with him. 

I think people have said enough about this broad but I'll try to beat a dead horse.  She got off and will be out of jail in a few days just in time for wet t-shirt contest season.  So now I ask, if she didn't kill her kid, who did?  The real killer is out there.  I've watched Nancy Grace, Judge Jeanie, and Matlock so I'm an expert at the law.  I feel bad for Nancy Grace.  She called me up last night and asked me to kidnap a white girl with blond hair so she had something to harp on and on about ad nauseum.  She said that she recently bought several pantsuits and doesn't want a dip in her ratings before she can show them off.  Steve Hirsch, the CEO of Vivid Entertainment, contacted Casey's lawyer, Jose Baez, to offer Casey a contract to film two porn movies.  He didn't reveal how much money he'd pay her but he said that she's hot and we know she likes to party.  Let's try to pretend this won't happen.  She'll probably sign the dotted line within ten seconds of her release.  Hell I would if I had been locked up for 3 years.  I'd be down for some filmed sex at that point.  Jerry Springer has also offered money for Casey but he won't be showing her why they really called him the Sultan of Salaciousness.  No, he just wants her entire family to come to his show so they can air all their grievances.  Part of Casey's defense was that she's permanently damaged because her father allegedly child touched her and her ex-fiance said her family is bat shit crazy.  This seems like the most fitting end to the Casey Anthony plague. 

Oh poor Adrianne Curry.  She seems so shy and devastated about her recent break-up with Christopher Knight.  I don't know how she can go on living but she just shows her strong side to us via Twitter.

Well I guess Adrianne isn't shy after all.  I wonder what she'll post next.  God, I love Twitter.

Video Section
Weird Al was on Conan O'Brien this week and sang the lyrics to Conan's theme song.  Hilarity ensued.  Hey @Rob_of_the_Sky Weird Al mentioned Conan not following him.  Did you get Weird Al to follow you yet?

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Wow, I'm gone for one day and everyone seems to forget about me.  Yes, I am that vain.  My bright point today was running into my friend and my goddaughter at Walmart.  All the luck, I forgot to call to see if they were around but I got to see them anyway.  Here are the links.

1.  I watch this TV program called "How I Met Your Mother" from time to time and every once in a while at the end credits they have these fun things called Bro Tips.  Well here is a site that contains a lot of Bro Tips.  See I'm not trying.

2.  One of my goals in life is to have my likeness captured in an action figure and then proudly pose with it because then I could submit my photo to Actors with Action Figures.  I love this site.

3.  I went to a book store today after I dropped my dad off for his dialysis appointment.  I was disappointed by this book store because they had a larger porn section than they had comic books and graphic novels.  Really...my dad was shit.  Anyway I was looking at these comic books and remembered that I had to share this website called Our Valued Customers.  It's a collection of things workers at a comic book shop have overheard.  I need to start a tumblr to share all my interactions with tourists.

4.  If any of you actually care for me, you will get me this for my birthday.

5.  I know some of you are heading off to college this year and soon will be deciding on a major.  Just don't pick any from this list of the 10 most worthless majors.  My major wasn't on there but my school has made me feel worthless because I've been told by different people during interviews that it's nothing more than a diploma mill.

6.  Are you single?  Are you vegetarian?  Do you believe that animals should have the same amount of rights as humans?  Do you believe that we need to find more sources for renewable energy?  Well if you answered yes to all those questions then you might want to try Green Singles, the dating place for the eco-conscious, animal rights community, and vegetarians.  I didn't set up a profile because there wasn't any talent in my area.

7.  Remember back in the olden days when there was a problem with STDs?  Remember when they posted STD posters everywhere?  Well here is a collection of some of those vintage STD posters.  Interesting fact: according to those posters, 98% of women have venereal diseases.

8.  This is fun collection of youtube videos showing off celebrities who are bilingual.  Some day I'll make that list but I won't be consider bilingual, I'll be...what is the word for speaking 8 languages?  Octolingual?

9.  If you read my site prior to 2007, you would have known my love of The Family Circus.  Well it wasn't that I so much as liked the actual cartoon but who people have changed the captions to make them more applicable to our time.  Well here is a collection of Family Circus cartoons captioned by writers from The Onion. 

10.  I enjoy the NBC program titled Parks and Recreation.  In one episode this season, my favorite character, Ron Swanson, was asked if he ever had a turkey burger.  He asked, "Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger?"  Well of course someone had to try making one and here is the finished product along with the recipe...sweet lord I'm hungry.

11.  I think someone else wrote a post about this but I still loved the story.  A librarian in the town of Troy, MI wrote to numerous authors, actors, artists, musicians, playwrights, librarians, and politicians asking them to tell children the importance of reading and libraries and to share any of their favorite memories of reading.  The librarian received 97 responses.  Here are all the letters.  It's an amazing collection and my favorite came from Dr. Seuss. 

12.  I have struggled with this site for weeks about what I should say.  It appears as if someone used the King James Bible for evidence of Queen's greatness...I think.  Anyway, it's a pretty funny site.  It basically tells you the history the band Queen in Biblical form.

And because some of you don't like to read here are random pictures.

Jose Baez...I wonder if he'll run for office or get his own TV show.

Don't you just hate it when you eat a banana and there's a bone inside?

I hope that sign is for dogs.

"BEFORE I ORDER ANOTHER PIZZA"....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I think I need to visit that place.

The economy really is shitty.

I really have discount tent with Xanga.

And because Ron Swanson is the man...

I love that guy.

It's the mustache...it has to be the mustache.  Wish I could grow one.

There seems to be four formulas for writing blogs on Xanga.  One formula is to present a situation or story and then to ask a question of the readers.  Another formula is the rant.  Some people are quite excellent with the rant and this is all they blog.  Another formula is the artistic post.  People write stories, poems, post music or post artwork that that they have painted.  The final formula is the advice column.
The first formula isn't quite my style.  My professors in college, doctors of education, said it was great to ask children questions and let them find the answer for themselves but you need to provide guidance and not just stand back and let all hell break loose.  Rants are great and I have tried them but usually I rant when my blood pressure is high or I have had about enough of idiocracy in my life.  Art isn't my thing.  I struggle with creating anything that might be called artistic.  I think writing or comedy is my art and that has been called into question. 
So that leaves me with the advice column.  It's simple, just like me.  I am going to attempt an advice column however I cannot do this alone.  I scoured the internet looking for a writing partner but my quest turned up nada.  I was sitting in my living room when the perfect candidate popped up.  I hope my co-author will rise to the occasion and give you much pleasure. 

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and fellow Xangans, I now expose my co-author of this advice column:

Me: We started writing these two years ago and I see so many people make the "cock" joke.
Cocky:  OH and I suppose you're going to take credit for it?  Sort of like the person on Xanga who took credit for inventing the interview?
Me: No, but I've grown tired of not getting on the front page.
Cocky: Oh God, Xanga envy.
Me: No it's just that you see posts that get there where the person put absolutely no effort into the post but for some reason it makes it to the top.
Cocky: Maybe you need to quit being a little bitch, grow a pair of balls, and kiss some ass by making friends.
Me: But that would sell out my ideals.
Cocky: This coming from a guy who masturbates to music videos on MTV Jams.
Me: Anyway...Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

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Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a college student and I am a romantic at heart.  I am preparing a meal for a girl and I want a movie to watch afterward.  Do you have any recommendations?
                                        Dater in DeSoto
Me: Well I can tell you one movie to avoid...The Princess Bride.  I watched that with a girl in college and halfway through she was talking of marriage.  At that time I was of a sound mind and was freaked out by her "proposal".  I think the best movies to watch would be in the PG or PG-13 comedy genre.  Whatever you do make sure you watch the movie before you view it with your date.
Cocky: The movie you want to watch with a date is 9½ Weeks.  With that movie, you get dinner plus a show!  If that doesn't work try Pink Floyd's The Wall but make sure you load up your meal with morning glory seeds and also make sure if you view that one, the red wine which you use should actually be Robotussin.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What do you guys do to beat the heat?
                        Hot in Hustisford
Me: Well my strategy for beating the Heat will be to expose LeBron James.  Get him frustrated shooting and he will shut down.
Cocky: The weather, moron, the weather.
Me: Oh, I like to take a dip in the local lake when it isn’t flooded.
Cocky: Yeah, it also doubles as fishing because the Godfather goes naked and the fish try to bite his little worm.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My girlfriend is obsessed with her iPod-she listens to it while studying, eating, working out, reading, even watching TV! And she insists that she has to wear her headphones while making love to me. She claims she has better orgasms when she is listening to music. I find that very annoying. How can I get her to put away that iPod and focus on me?
                                       iHater in Ixonia
Me: It sounds like your girlfriend is obsessed with music so it is probably futile to ask her to turn it off. Instead, buy some speakers for her iPod and say you want to listen with her. Make a playlist for your bedroom, and offer to download sexy songs for getting busy.
Cocky: I hear those earbuds can be pretty painful when used as a whip which you should do to her because she isn't in the kitchen making you sandwiches.  She gets better orgasms when she listens to music?  Female orgasms are myths so tell her to get down on her knees.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How many women have you had sex with?
                                         Just Asking in Jackson
Me: A gentleman doesn't divulge such information unless it's pertinent to my current relationship.
Cocky: "A gentleman doesn't divulge"...pussy, the only sex you're having is with your hand.  I'm happy to share.  The number of women I've slept with is the same number of decimals as pi

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What's the best way to please a women?
                                          Pleaser in Potosi
Me:  I once had someone tell me that the easiest way to keep women happy is to follow the three A's: attention, affection, and appreciation.  Attention should be simple.  Ask about her day and actually listen.  Ask why she hates all her female co-workers.  Appreciation is another simple one.  Tell her what she means to you.  Don't just grunt when she makes you a great meal, TELL HER!  Guys often get affection wrong.  Like Jack Black sang, sometimes you have to fuck her gently.  Hold her and tell her how you feel about her.  Chicks love it.
Cocky: You really are a pussy or maybe you're just trying to hard to get some.  Well because women need to be in the kitchen...a new set of Teflon coated pans.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Marry me?
                                          Marriage in Marianette
Me: Well thank you, I'm flattered but I think I'd like to get to know you or at least see your photo before we tie the knot.
Cocky: I don't believe in marriage, but I'm capable of giving you the most memorable night of your life.
Me: Cocky, I've noticed something about your recent responses.  You seem to have pent up aggression.
Cocky: You really are a pussy...pent up aggression...say it already!  I'm horny.  I'm waking up every morning at sunrise and I'm sitting on a fence post if you know what I mean.
Me: Not really
Cocky:  Well go into your nightstand and eat a handful of those blue pills and then maybe you'll understand.

Dear Godfather and Cocky
How big is your dick?
                                Curious in Cassville
Me: Looks like I had a few questions over on the formspring waiting for me.
Cocky: Step aside limp dick and let me handle this one.  Ron Jeremy won't stand near me at a urinal out of pure jealousy.  Lets just say Osama tried to fly a plane into it once.  My dick graduated from high school a year before I did. 
Me: Are you finished?
Cocky: No, Tiny...Every time I get a hard-on there's a solar eclipse.  It's so big you can ski down it.  I live in Wisconsin and get blown in New York.
Me: That doesn't even make sense.
Cocky: Of course it doesn't because you're packing a thumb tack.  My dick is so big that when I broke my leg they didn't put a cast on it, they just taped it to my dick.  Every porno I make has to be on a 4 disc collector's DVD.  My dick thinks the Grand Canyon is a virgin.
Me: Oh come on, this is getting old.
Cocky: Don't hate, I have to tell them how big my dick is.  I have to satisfy the readers.  My dick is so big that it's part of the government bailout program.  Sometimes my dick jerks me off.  My dick is so big it dwarfs Keith Olberman's ego.
Me: Are you done?
Cocky: I could go on but my dick apparently has cut your political beliefs to shreds.  I don't want to hurt you any more.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Every girl I go out with seems to wait at least three dates before letting me into her pants. Is there an unspoken rule that women secretly agreed upon about dating guys? Is there a way to get her to violate this rule? And what should I do to appear less desperate to get her to put out—shag that homely but ready-and-willing broad at the neighborhood bar?
                                        Rules in Rutland
Me: Well I don't think there is an actual rule committee and met that decided they needed three dates before they put out so they don't seem slutty or desperate.  Don't worry about it.  Just date.  Most vertebrate males have to put in work before they do the deed so just go with the flow.  You should truly get to know the whole person instead of just their genitals.
Cocky: I think it's pretty damn inconsiderate that they won't put out after the first five minutes.  If you aren't getting any, just go to your neighborhood slut.  Don't worry about ruining your appetite waiting for the main course by eating junk food.  This is why Penny is the most popular hen in the farm.  All the other hens are so uptight about not wanting to seem like a slut so all the roosters go visit Penny.  Hell even the farmer's son visits Penny on occasion.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have been married for more than 15 years. My wife and I never had children, and our sex life is virtually nonexistent. A few times in the past couple of years when we did attempt intercourse, I was not able to orgasm—I’m not sure why. We have a very loving and caring relationship, we cuddle and do things together, and otherwise get along great. Is it possible to be happily married and not have sex?
                                         Sexless in Seneca
Me: There are plenty of sexless marriages out there and these same marriages can be very happy and fulfilling.  Women tend to miss the closeness and intimacy instead of the actual sex.  Remember the 3 A's that I mentioned earlier?  You should really apply those in your relationship and you will bring back the closeness.
Cocky: No
Me: Is that it?
Cocky: Yes.
Me: OK

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How would you go about picking lotto numbers?
                                          Lotto Lover in La Crescent
Me: Well the lottery isn’t something I play.  I do play scratch-offs occasionally but the big games aren’t for me.  It’s nice that some money goes to school districts but that is miniscule.  I would say just do a random guess
Cocky: You go up to the nearest old lady, punch her in the throat, steal her purse, and then use her social security card to select your numbers.

Me: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a mentally-challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

  And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky : Wrong!  I'm a cock. 

I saw my first sign language argument today.  You’d never believe what the gesture for “camel toe” is.

My dad said I could do anything I put my mind to.  He’s full of shit.  I’m not a billionaire and I’m not dating Playboy playmates.

Nathan’s had their annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island, a contest I like to call “Fuck you to all the homeless and starving, sincerely America!”  During the event people were said to be chanting “Screw you, Africa!”  I once took my girlfriend to a hot dog eating contest hoping it would turn her on.

While Tiger Woods has been sitting out to recover from an injury, PGA members are forced to find a new token black friend.

Nike re-signed Michael Vick to an endorsement contract after dropping him 4 years ago.  This can only mean one thing, quality dog fighting will soon commence.

The funny thing about the NFL and NBA lockouts is that so many of the players are familiar with bars and chains.

The only thing I miss about college is how easily the pick-up line, “Hey, wanna make-out” worked.  Hey, wanna make out?  No?  See I was right.  It wouldn't work since it's nearly impossible for me to make out these days with the asthma.

The most unsung hero in the United States’ history is whoever invented the American flag bikini.

The only thing we can all agree with about Casey Anthony is that she knows how to party and she is probably guilty of murder.  The jury is in deliberation even though Nancy Grace declared her guilty years ago.  The only thing I find her guilty of is being hot.  I hope they don’t give her the death penalty because I’d like to be her penpal.  Casey Anthony is a great Republican and should run for president because like most Republicans she’s also a compulsive liar.  I think the only injustice here is that Nancy Grace won’t win an Emmy for best comedy series.  Rick Scott called Casey Anthony to thank her for making him the #2 most hated person in Florida.  I wish Casey Anthony would adopt a few Kardashians.  Note to self: never write jokes about a court case until AFTER the verdict is reached.

I figured my relationship was dead when my girlfriend let me fall asleep on the couch and instead of waking me up for sex; she woke me up by checking my pulse.

Do you ever think aliens get upset when they aren’t included in our Miss Universe contest?

I used to think that pro-wrestling was real but it turns out it’s fixed just like boxing.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

A congressman from Michigan, named Thad McCotter, announced that he was a candidate of the GOP nomination and Arnold Horshack was so excited by the news that he called McCotter to say welcome back.  Eric Cantor said he bets that the nation defaults.  Why?  He’ll probably make a lot of money if it does so my only question is why isn’t he being charged with treason?  He also walked out of a budget meeting because he wasn’t getting his way.  I guess he’s emulating the leadership style of Sarah Palin by quitting.  The only thing Herman Cain could bring to the presidency is $1 off coupons for Godfather’s Pizza.  In 2008 Republicans were saying that Obama had no experience in politics despite being a senator and now Herman Cain comes along and he has absolutely no political experience and he’s a “qualified candidate”.  Michelle Bachmann received a cease and desist warning from Tom Petty for using the song “American Girl” in her campaign stops.  She also received a cease and desist letter for using the song “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves.  Thankfully Ted Nugent stepped in and let her use “Stranglehold” and “Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang”.  I wish that was a joke but it’s the truth.

A study recently revealed that 7 million teenagers in the United States are binge drinkers.  What is the best way to eliminate teen drinking?  Wait until they turn 20.

If you didn’t see any fireworks this year, the best way to recreate the experience at home is to pluck nose hairs.  When I go to fireworks displays, I record the “oohs” and “ahhs” so I can replay them when I have sex with my girlfriend.  And if you light your own fireworks, the safest way to light them is to have your drunken friend light them for you.  I celebrated the 4^th like my forefathers except I beat the shit out of British tourists in a bar.  I also watched Independence Day on Independence Day…it was so literal, it was like I was actually there.

I think most women who date me would argue that all men are created equal.

If there are any ladies out there who’d like to kiss without shirts on, just drop me an email because I’m completely normal.

If you ever look up the word “condescending” in the dictionary, there’s a photo of an Apple user.

I got a new stick of deodorant today and read the instructions.  It said to remove cap and push up bottom.  I took off my hat and now my farts smell amazing.  Speaking of farts, cellulite is caused by holding in farts which is why men never get cellulite.

I quit looking at porn.  It’s sort of like reading a cookbook and having no food.

People ruin relationships, not Xanga…wait, Xanga pretty much shits on everything.

I thought I'd try on of these since I saw @GodlessLiberal try one.

What is the worst thing Scott Walker has done since becoming Wisconsin's governor?
	Denying 13 weeks of federally funded unemployment for the long term out of work
	Canceling collective bargaining for public employees
	Killing a grant application that would have studied possible cures for diabetes and lung cancer
	Killing the high speed rail
	Cutting Wisconsin counties' transit funding and disallowing counties from sharing funds
	Giving tax breaks to the wealthy and corporations
	Education funding cuts and reneging on negotiated deals with teachers
	Misleading on jobs creation
	Drawing up an imaginary figure for damage to the state capitol building
	Appointing an anti-public funding ideologue to the health services administation
	His DNR appointments and clean air and water policies
	His anti-green policies
	Bringing up the Packers' Super Bowl victory when discussing education cuts in his recent "Face the N
	Having to cancel his budget-signing appearance
	Talking to a fake David Koch for twenty clueless minutes
	The assualt and destruction of things considered sacred and unassailable and Midwestern niceness
	Ushering in an era of nihilism in Wisconsin
pollcode.com free polls

Oh and make sure you check out my last post.

I'm sort of in a writing slump.  I can't think of anything besides the jokes I post with my Motivation posts.  I'm not doing a homework assignment because I thought it'd be cruel and unusual punishment to hand out homework on July 4th.  I had an epic post for Caturday but I think I'll just push that back to this coming Saturday because so far people have taken heed of my admonition for all the talk about LoBorn.  Blah blah blah.

1. What are your initials?:
GOGB

2. Does your printer print fast & well?::
Yes, I thought I got suckered into buying one of those Kodaks because of Donald Trump but it's been very reliable...much better than the HP I used to have.

3. Do you have shoes on?::
no I am barefoot but not pregnant

4. Are there any lights on in the room?::
yes, my overhead lights are on because I can't sit in the dark

5. How many days of school left do you have?::
I'm already looking forward to the next school year

6. What are you going to do right when you get out of school?::
well if this was when I was a student I usually masturbated and when I teach I go home and have a drink and then go to Xanga and then masturbate

7. Are you going to be sad that you are leaving?::
Leaving?  I'm never leaving Xanga.  I've seen the error of my ways when I get pissed off at people who claim to be comedians and spew racist posts and the people who claim that they are the funniest people on Xanga.

8. What was your last entry about?:
Not having anything to say and posting funny photos.

9. In the last IM you sent, what did you say?::
so is it my turn yet

10. What is your favorite crayon?::
macaroni and cheese or flesh

11. Have you ever gone streaking in the winter?::
I wouldn't go streaking in the summer let alone the winter.  I'd fear shrinkage.

12. What time did you go to bed last night?::
about 1AM

13. Are any of your great grandparents still alive?::
No

14. What era do you wish you lived in?::
I remember a Xangan saying that they'd love to live in the 50s because it was wholesomer...their word...Yep, racism and segregation are wonderful as was blatant misogyny and spousal abuse.  Teen pregnancy rates were higher but girls didn't flaunt their knocked up nature on TV shows but they went to live with relatives up north and their children were subsequently raised by other family members and sometimes their children were raised to be their siblings or they gave up their children for adoption...THE GOOD OLD DAYS!  Fuck that, I'll stay around here because racism is dead...oops...there is no misogyny...oops...no spousal abuse...oops...teen pregnancy rates are lower...oops...I'll just go to a deserted island.

15. If you were stranded in the forest, what would you do?::
well Bear Grylls would say I should drink my own urine but I'd probably not panic, kill some animals, gut them for warmth, and what not.

16. What is your layout of?::
I don't get this question.  Whoever wrote this survey has no clue about the Bloom's taxonomy.

17. Have you ever thought of where the world ends?::
Are you saying the world is flat or are you talking apocalypse?  To all people who think they want to write a survey...READ BLOOM'S TAXONOMY! 

18. What exercise equipment do you own?::
I would say Shakeweight but that has only improved my sex life and by sex life I mean masturbating.  I think I will lose readers after I post this because of all the masturbation references.  Face it, people, we all do it.  Just read Bloom's Taxonomy and it's all there.

19. Are you wearing a watch?::
My wrists are too big and I have bad allergies.

20. What brand is your shirt?::
I'm topless but if a member of PETA saw me they may say "Fur is murder."

21. Are your toenails painted?::
I am missing toenails.

22. Are you going to take a shower after this?::
All this talk of masturbation has me all riled up so I'll have to go take a cold shower.

23. How many stories is your house?::
2 but whatever house that houses me has countless stories

24. Have you ever shocked yourself?::
Numerous times, the last time was the worst

25. Have you been hit by lightning?::
No but some days I expect it

26. Have you ever been swimming while it was raining?::
Of course

27. Do you usually tan or burn?::
I used to tan really well and you could tell my ethnic roots but then I got on the blood pressure meds and I only burn showing other ethnic roots

28. Have you ever been in a tanning salon?::
I only wear a sock

29. What kind of surveys do you like to take?::
I like ones that have good questions written by people who have obviously read and understood Bloom's Taxonomy

30. Have you ever flashed a guy?::
Does getting naked in the locker room count?

31. Have you ever given out your # to some random person?::
no, I don't even give out my pound sign to my parents.

32. What do you think about online dating?::
I think it's the only way I could date because it's the only way I can trick women into liking me.

33. Are you scared of the dark?::
Only when I think there are aliens roaming in my kitchen

34. Do you ever study?::
Well it seems as if someone didn't study Bloom's Taxonomy

35. Do you say that you will never raise your kids like your parents raise you?::
I will raise my children to write proper questions on internet surveys but I probably won't have children because I haven't tricked the right girl into liking me yet

36. How many kids do you want?::
well since I won't be the one who is pregnant...as many as the grains of sand on the seashore

37. Are you scared of giving birth?::
not really since I have a penis but then I fear childbirth because if I watch that I fear impotence.

38. Do you think you're annoying?::
I think there are about a couple hundred people on Xanga who will agree

39. When was the last time you were extremely sick?::
I am currently extremely sick of the poor questioning of this survey.

40. What is your favorite kind of underwear?::
I enjoy the briefs because I like the tight fit.  With boxers it's total anarchy down there

41. Do you wish Xanga had forums?::
Hey, instead of trying to make Xanga something it's not or doesn't need to be let's celebrate the fact that Xanga is Xanga

42. Have you met anyone on Xanga?::
poor questioning...I have met a lot of people on Xanga but not outside of the internet unless you include the people who I knew before I started this site.

43. Would you date someone more than 10 years older than you?::
If they were rich and could pamper me then yes

44. Where are you planning on living when you get older?::
I am happy where I currently reside but when I get extremely old I don't want to live under the ground

45. Have you ever been to the Naval Academy?::
No

46. Do you know your family history?::
Pretty much

47. Do you like to make lots of screennames & link them all together?::
No

48. What is the most overused smiley?::
I don't get the faces with the XD are they racist?

49. What is the most overused word?::
Why

50. Do you like the movie "Napoleon Dynamite?"::
In total hipster mode here...I liked it before it was commercially released.  I got sick of it when I had students who wore nothing but Napoleon Dynamite clothes every single day.

51. Would you ever name your kid Napoleon?::
Yes, and if anyone would say I named him after the movie I'd put them in the guillotine. 

52. Do you own a beanbag chair?::
I had one when I was growing up.  It was actually my dad's and he said it was the only piece of furniture he owned before he met my mom.

53. What magazines do you get?::
Bloomberg, ESPN, Casual Male Big and Tall

54. Do you wear a lot of hemp?::
No, what do you think I am, some sort of founding father?

55. Do you play handball?::
oh yeah, I play LOTS of handball.

56. Do you find yourself daydreaming a lot?::
What was that?  I wasn't paying attention.

57. What is your home football team?::
I have no football team in my home but I enjoy the Green Bay Packers

58. What is your home basketball team?::
I have no basketball team in my home and I hate refball

59. When was your last shave?::
yesterday

60. What parts of your body do you shave?::
face, what else would a guy shave?  Do you think I'm some sort of perverted Frenchman?

61. Do you like open or enclosed areas?::
open

62. Do you like being alone or around a lot of people?::
I can do either, currently I'm enjoying the aloneness

63. Do you think what type of music a person listens to says a lot about them?::
Yes, totally, I listen to a lot of classical music while I masturbate so that automatically should tell you I'm a high-falutin' masturbator.

64. Will you have a job over the summer?::
I like having free summers

65. What was your last search online?::
How many days is it normal to have diarrhea?

66. Do you own a poodle?::
No

67. Type whatever word comes to your mind.::
nonfarcicality

68. Close your eyes & grab something.::
and then? 

69. Try to describe feet in as many words as you can.::
feet is a non-metric unit of measurement that belongs to the United States customary units of measurement.  1 foot is 12 inches and there are 3 feet in a yard and there are 16.5 feet in a rod and there are 60 feet or 4 rods in a chain and there are 10 chains in a furlough and 8 furloughs in a statute mile and 8 statute miles in a league.

70. Do you have a dirty mind?::
no, I keep my mind pretty clean by huffing a lot of Pledge

71. Do you have a maid?::
not yet but I'm hoping I'll eventually get married

72. Do you make your bed every morning?::
oddly enough, yes

73. What day of the week is your favorite?::
Flursday

74. Would you be capable of making your own survey?::
Yes because I've read Bloom's Taxonomy

75. How long have you been online?::
I didn't know of the internet until 1998 and that was when I first started using it

76. Does your best friend annoy you?::
not really but he sometimes spits at me

77. Is there someone you don't talk to but wait online for them all day?::
I don't understand this question, I do like talking to people online

78. What is your definition of "love?"::
I can't remember because it's been so long since I've been loved.

79. Do you find your life fascinating?::
I have to admit I've lead a fantastic life

80. Name one person::
Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo

81. Why did they come to your mind?::
He needed some advice

82. What kind of cake do you like?::
Tasty cake

83. Do you sing in the car?::
Yes, I'm up for a Grammy

84. Has anyone ever caught you picking you nose?::
you did

85. What toppings do you put on your ice cream?::
chocolate sauce, wasabi covered peas, nuts, snozzberries.

86. What word is shorter when you add 2 letters to it?::
Short or penis

87. How many situps can you do in a minute?::
42

88. Type whatever lyrics come to your head.::
The law don't mean shit if you've got the right friends
That's how the country's run
Twinkies are the best friend I've ever had
I fought the law and I won

89. Have you ever fallen down the stairs?::
My rottweiler once dragged me down the stairs

90. What 2 colors are best together?::
Green and gold or cardinal and white

I was going to write about this too but I'm working with the cyber police to backtrace the IP addresses so I can find out who is behind this and then ask them out for a steak dinner.

@carolinavenger this is where I saw that quote.

Yep, that's pretty much what I think of Scott Walker too, Blondie.

I seriously hope you had a good 4th of July, tough guy.

If you didn't, then I'll sic her on you.

Let us now pray that ALL the U.S. wars would come to an end.

but you get crap...hahahahahahahaha

There's something about LoBorn...my awesome post was totally going to be about that person.

You know that will never be the safe if Casey Anthony is sent to jail.

I mistook the tailor's for the all you can eat buffet.

"in bed."

That's total false advertising.

That probably would be epic.

Why, that's a common mistake.

Who is a good most interesting dog on the block?

Click it to enlarge





Have a happy 4th of July.

Oh my god it's hot.  time for the round-up

Shia LaBeouf was interviewed by Details magazine and boy did he give some details.  He basically said he boned Megan Fox while they were filming Transformers 2: "Look, you're on the set for six months, with someone who's rooting to be attracted to you, and you're rooting to be attracted to them. I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen." Shia is delusional.  There is no such thing as human chemistry on Transformers 2.  They were robots.  He was asked if he knew Megan Fox was with Brian Austin Green at the time they were together.  Shia said "I don't know" twelve times.  This is pretty hilarious when I read last week that Megan said she planned on renewing her vows with Green and Shia is saying he tapped that.  In all honesty she could be dating Batman and I'd take my chances.  Megan fired back but not in the way you'd think.  She said that while they were filming and when she was hooking up with Shia that she and Brian Austin Green were on a break.  I assume by break she means blowing Shia while Green is at home crying.  So I guess this all teaches us something.  If we are ever accused of cheating we can use five words to get us out of trouble: WE WERE NOT TOGETHER THEN!

Ricky Gervais turned 50 this week.  I don't know why but the photo scares me so let's talk about The Office.  I've heard a lot of interesting rumors regarding the next season.  There'll be three new workers, an assistant, an accountant and the new boss.  The thing with the boss is that the person they were going to have take over can't because of prior commitments.  The strangest name that has popped up as a replacement is James Gandolfini, the guy who played Tony Soprano.  I'd love for him to take over and he be Tony in the Witness Protection Program.

There is an email floating around written by some woman who is famous for being famous in Hollywood circulating about a sexual encounter she had with Quentin Tarantino.  I don't know if you can call what they did sex.  She claims he sucked her toes while he jerked off.  I knew he had a foot fetish and the best evidence for this is EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS MOVIES!  I really don't understand foot fetishes.  I just don't.  I can understand a lot of fetish but not the feet.  If you want to read the email, click here.

I think Child Protective Services need to remove Octo-Mom's children from her house immediately after reading this interview: "I hate the babies, they disgust me. My older six are animals, getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them. The only way I can cope is to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I sit there for hours and even eat my lunch sitting on the toilet floor. Anything to get peace and quiet. Some days I have thought about killing myself. I cannot cope.  Obviously I love them - but I absolutely wish I had not had them."  I don't know if I can blame her since 14 kids screaming in high pitched voices probably would get on my nerves as well.  I think that either she's saying this to get CPS to take away the kids or since her "sextape" didn't sell she is selling her stupidity instead or she's just plain crazy.  Just wait until they turn into teenagers.  The worst part about these kids being dysfunctional and damaged is that they will more than likely have dysfunctional and damaged kids by the time they turn 14. 

After New York state passed the gay marriage bill, Neil Patrick Harris took to twitter and announced that he's engaged to his partner David Burtka.  I'm jealous well not of a guy asking another guy to get married but a person getting married.  I want a girl to propose to me.  It will be so much easier that way and I could avoid potential jailtime.  I wonder if Doogie will have Vinnie walk him down the aisle or maybe Harold and Kumar.

Miley Cyrus wore this outfit in concert this week.  Is she 18 yet?  She is?  OK, dang, that is hot.

A national treasure, Mel Brooks, turned 85 this week.  If you don't know who he is you need to get a sense of humor.

Mel B, or Scary Spice, tweeted earlier this week that she saw her husband was passed out so she was going to take it upon herself to date rape him.  Then people got OFFENDED!  Of course they were offended.  They were offended because they realized they were following a former Spice Girl.  They may as well follow other relevant stars from the 90s like Kurt Cobain and River Phoenix.

Mariah Carey tweeted this photo of her daughter Monroe and claims that at 7 weeks she's already a diva.  I think Monroe will give Suri Cruise a run for her money in being the most spoiled kid in showbiz.

Hours after Lindsay Lohan was released from house arrest she made her way to a bar and got drunk.  I think it's safe to say at this point that Lindsay is alcoholic and she's living the alcoholic version of Groundhog Day.  She wakes up, there's a full bottle of Jack Daniels in front of her, and she drinks it.  It was about a week ago where she told a magazine that alcohol wasn't a part of her life anymore.  I wonder what happened in the past week to make her go from being sober to drunk.  I bet she's freaked out by the economy.

You know what Lenny Kravitz was saying on the phone?  LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!  I wonder how much space that takes up in his purse.  He probably shoves it down his front pocket to give the illusion of having a large unit.  Hmmm I think I need to get one for my cellphone.

Lady Gaga is getting sued and this time it looks pretty serious.  After the earthquake in Japan, she created a wristband with all the proceeds going to charity.  They actually all went to her.  She's facing racketeering charges now.    She charged $5 for a wristband, $4 for shipping, and 60cents for tax.  They claim that she inflated the shipping costs and refused to reveal how much of the cost goes to charity.  Can't she do anything original?  She's ripped off Madonna, David Bowie, and Grace Jones and now she's ripping off Japan.  Fuck the little monsters, Mothra and Godzilla ripped off Japan first.

Julia Roberts is a horrible person.  She is upset that her half-sister has gained weight.  Why doesn't Nancy just hire a personal trainer and a personal chef to help whip her into shape?  Oh yeah, Nancy isn't Julia Roberts.  When Nancy heard what Julia was saying behind her back she confronted her and Julia said she wouldn't have to say anything if Nancy took care of herself  and had self-respect.  What an egotistical bitch!  She thinks her sister's weight reflects badly on HER.  No one is going to judge you based on your sister's size.  They may judge you if you don't check out these things called razors.

Jessica Simpson staged an intervention for her sister Ashlee because people are worried about Ashlee's drinking problem.  People claim she's drinking 8 to 10 bottles of wine a day.  Can you blame her?  She's exiting a marriage with a guy who wore more make-up than she did and probably made out with more dudes than she has.  Like Jessica is one to criticize someone's drinking.  The next thing you'll tell me is that Chris Brown is teaching anger management classes.

I guess you can't keep an old dog down.  Hugh Hefner, despite being dumped just a couple of weeks ago, is dating again and this time he's dating Playmate Anna Sophia Berglund.  You can see what she's famous for here.  She's a little different from the usual woman Hef dates.  She is 24 days older than his former fiance.  It's nice to see he's growing up and dating older women.  The creepiest thing about this is that he started collecting Social Security benefits when she was 3 years old. 

Gwenyth Paltrow took time out of her busy schedule of being the most pretentious person on the planet to pose semi-nude.  As much as I can't stand her...fap fap fap.

Another national treasure, Gary Busey, celebrated a birthday this week.  He turned 67.  I think in this photo Gary is showing shock that he is 67 years old or maybe that's how he always looks.

OMG...that is just...wow.  I wonder if she ever had Alice serve crab cakes.  She said at the time she was lonely and took him home and in the morning she had little black things crawling all over her.  Lindsay sent her flowers and an apology letter.  He's dead so he can't really defend himself but this story is hilarious.  Now it seems that all politicians do is send pictures of their cocks to women.  And whenever I watch The Brady Bunch from now on I'll sing "Here's the story of a whorey lady who was itching something fierce".

Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig got married last weekend in a small private ceremony.  This was a shocker.  No one even knew they were dating.  I have a feeling it is for two purposes.  Craig has been dodging gay rumors ever since he took over as James Bond and said that because it's the 21st century he thinks James Bond should have a homosexual liason.  The other reason is that Darren Aronofsky probably cheated on Rachel Weisz with Natalie Portmann and his wedding invitation said "Take that, Aronofsky!"

Courtney Love has been kicked out of her boyfriend's house.  His name is Henry Allsopp and is the godson of Duchess Camilla.  Alas, Courtney Love will never be a member of the royal family.  You know they should just make her queen.  Lady Love will rule the world with a coke filled iron fist.

Chris Hansen, why don't you have a seat?  He was recently caught by National Enquirer in a video sting cheating on his wife with a 30 year old woman named Kristyn Caddela.  I bet they were just investigating predators.  I had a whole post written about the irony here. I wonder if he cried when he was caught.  I also wonder if this will be aired on MSNBC.

Charlie Sheen is putting up personal ads on Craigslist and they say "single white warlock".  The last of the goddesses left him.  Charlie was heartbroken and he was so heartbroken that he was spotted at a bar with three women all from three different countries.  He took them home.  WINNING!  There's a rumor circulating that they have written and planned the new season of Two and a Half Men and Charlie is written off in an unoriginal way.  People are claiming that Charlie's character, Charlie, will die in a car accident.  Ashton Kutcher will end up buying Charlie's house and somehow Allen and Jake will live with him probably as squatters.  Jimmy Kimmel had a segment where they asked children how Charlie's character should be written off the series.  Hilarity ensued.  There's also a rumor circulating that TBS has approached Charlie to do a new sitcom.  I hope that's true because I can do without another Tyler Perry produced show.  Sadly, TBS denies the reports.  Remember when Charlie said he was getting a talk show from HBO?  Yeah this is probably the same deal.  Sheen also revealed in the recent issue of Sports Illustrated that he did steroids during the filming of Major League.  He said it helped him pitch and that his fastball went from 79mph to 85mph.  Is that even worth it?  So an unhinged lunatic who throws temper tantrums gets women who put things in their butts for a living and injects steroids for a sports movie just to pretend he's a pro baseball player?  Next you're going to say I have a small penis when my last girlfriend told me that 4 inches is big because she and 95% of women have shallow vaginas.

Bristol Palin flip-flopped just like her mommy.  Now she is saying that Levi Johnston didn't date rape her when he took her virginity when she had been drinking.  She said that she did play a part but still blamed Levi for her drinking.  Huh?  How can a person blame someone else for something they do?  Doesn't Sarah Palin preach that people need to practice personal accountability?  Maybe Bristol should actually listen to her mom.

A person behind the scenes said that when Maria Schriver found out that Arnold Schwarzenegger had been cheating and fathered a child with the housekeeper, she approached Oprah to seek her advice on what to do.  Now Arnold is furious because Oprah told Maria to dump the creep (actual words from Oprah 3:16) and it was made official today, Maria Schriver filed for divorce.  I don't know who to side with here.  Do I go with the misogynistic weightlifter turned subpar actor or the woman who has brainwashed more women than De Beers?

OK, here's a story and I think I may have scooped everyone.  Alyssa Milano may be pregnant.  Wow!  I am such a great journalist.

A wax figure of Alicia Keys was unveiled at Madame Tussande's this week.  Some people complained that Alicia Keys is too white and not black enough.  WTF?  Why does it matter?  I thought this was 2011 and Obama got rid of race.  People should just be like me and embrace the Crayola lifestyle.

In an interview this week, Aaron Carter claimed that he had quite an interesting relationship with Michael Jackson.  Carter claims that during their friendship Jackson fed him wine when Carter was only 15 and then when the wine didn't do the trick Jackson gave him cocaine.  Carter then said there was other stuff that Jackson did but wouldn't discuss that.  I seem to remember when Michael Jackson died everyone said he was a saint.  How do they explain this?  Clean, wholesome fun?  But MJ couldn't do that, he's perfect.  Now I fully understand Aaron Carter's problem with drugs.

Well I hope you enjoyed and I hope you have a great weekend.  Salute a flag and thank a veteran and if you aren't into that stuff eat a hotdog and shoot some fireworks and if you aren't into that stuff well you need to get a life.

My dad had surgery today.  I didn't go because I didn't feel like sitting around in a hospital all day when it was so hot and humid.  They said it felt like 110F and tomorrow it will be hotter.  I finally got word that he was ok this evening but I don't know...did I care?  I'm not heartless but the dude put my mom and I through hell during my childhood.  I know I make it seem like things are rosy but they are dysfunctional.  He's done shit that I don't know if I can forgive him for.  That being said, he has kidney failure and when asked about transplants I thought of it but I can't because I've had kidney infections and apparently the doctors didn't think that was wise to give him one of mine.  Anyway, it's fucking hot.  I woke up early and weeded my raspberry and blueberry patches and then watered all my plants.  I also had my first black raspberry of the year and it was delicious.  That plant is so tall.  Normally they run between 3 and 4 feet tall and this one is at least 6 feet tall.  It started off this year at my knees and now it is almost taller than me.  Time for links.

1.  Does anyone other there use OKCupid?  Well here is a tumblr that is produced by a woman who posts the strange emails she receives on OKCupid.  It's called This is not ok, cupid. 

2.  Last week I posted a site about history and this week I have another.  It's called How I Remember It.  It's a collection of photoshopped historical photos.  One of those photos serves as my current facebook profile pic.

3.  I found this tumblr called Who is Osama.  It's a collection of posts of people who don't know who Osama bin Laden is.  I don't know if that's funny or sad.

4.  Stop me if you've heard this joke before: An Amish guy buys a tracphone and accidentally sends a text to the wrong number.  The person who received the text is a 12 year old girl.  She texts back and they start a correspondence and it got very sexy.  The Amish guy set up a date for sex with the girl.  Her parents notified the police and they told the girl to arrange the date.  He wanted to meet at a restaurant.  He showed up in a horse-drawn buggy.  It's not a joke it's true.  Here's 25 things that could have made it creepier (if you want to read more about the story there is a link there)

5.  Here's a site that discusses the 10 Worst and 10 Best movies thus far this year.  I have to agree for the most part.

6.  Have you ever read the classic novel "From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler"?  Well it's an awesome book and I'm not just saying that because I read it in grade school, college, and taught it to my class.  It presents a great story that most people can relate to...running away.  The children in the book run away and live in a museum.  Well I don't know where I'm going with this but here's a collection of photos showing what it'd be like to live inside an Ikea.

7.  I used to spend a lot of time reading Craigslist.  There were always hilarious items found in the missed connections section.  Well now I don't have to scour Craiglist for gold, I can just visit this site.

8.  Last week I encouraged you to read and I will do the same.  Here's a site called The Book Seer.  You type in the last book you read and then it will suggest the next book you should read.  Once again I will recommend "From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler" and if you don't want to read a kid's book try Book Seer.

9.  I have heard a lot of people talk about the joys of this thing called Groupon.  Well here is something that people have labeled as dumb.  Who goes to the movies alone?  People who want to see The Lincoln Lawyer.

10.  I have had some people say that I look like John Candy.  It's probably because I'm fat.  Anyway I've always considered him to be a brilliant actor.  Here's a collection of roles that Candy didn't get.  It's so sad how some of those movies were so bad but would have been great with Candy.

11.  I enjoy football, specifically college football.  This may not be interesting to you unless you enjoy college football.  It's a collection of artwork depicting various colleges' football uniforms over time.  So sad they didn't put in Wisconsin but oh well, we're going to take the Big Ten this year and that's good enough for me.

12.  I also enjoy pro-wrestling.  It's entertaining and much more exciting than the old school amateur wrestling like I did in high school.  One of the best parts of the pro-wrestling experience is the entrances.  Here's a collection of the ten best theme songs from the 80s, the heyday of pro-wrestling.  Of those wrestlers, can anyone tell me which ones were from Minnesota and who played for the Green Bay Packers?

I guess it was decent...inside with a fan blowing on me while watching a season of SVU.

God this is so true, especially for me.

I don't know what to think of this product.


God bless America!

OK, here's the end of the circumcision debate...which would you rather have ladies?

Yes.

Oh and if you read this, do me a favor, do not recommend any posts or comments that have to deal with LoBorn.  That includes people who reply to "her".  I could care less.  Xanga has become such a toxic place.  Let me sort it out: you believe this and you don't believe that.  There it's solved.  No more shit.  If I see anymore recs about LoBorn or Curtis Bell I will delete and block you.  I am so sick of this shit.  LoBorn is not this Curtis Bell and I don't care what links you will send me to prove me wrong.  I know who the Xangan is behind it.  If it is Curtis Bell contact the school he works for and email them the type of things that he is posting.  Teachers don't have freedom of speech on the Internet.  Also you claim he's stolen photos of an athlete, contact her.  Just stop exacerbating the situation and now I need to go block myself because I realize what a hypocrite I am.  We need to draw in new members to this dying site and do people who have been here less than a week really give two shits about who LoBorn really is or what they believe?  Yes, I know...hypocrite...fuck this shit.