I’ve started filming porn to make ends meet.  Let me tell you, my end has met plenty of ends.

I’ve been trying to set up a dating profile but I’ve become disheartened because there isn’t an option for “I just want to give a little cunnilingus”.

Michelle Bachman’s new campaign slogan: Helping Obama get re-elected in 2012.  I actually think her candidacy is one of the signs of the apocalypse.  Obama’s 2012 campaign slogan is: “Maybe we can”.  Early estimates say that Hurricane Irene did millions of dollars of damage.  The good news is that Eric Cantor is reassuring the super-rich that the working Americans will pay all the damages.  Have you heard that the Republicans are blaming the President for all the cuts the Republicans made to FEMA?  I love how tea baggers are always saying big government this and big government that but when a natural disaster rolls in it turns to “Government, help me.”

I’m heading out west to see if I can get a medical marijuana prescription.  Does anyone know of any doctors that prescribe weed for blue balls?

95% of people are reported to like that one reggae song about weed.

A recent study found that 400 million Chinese are considered obese.  Nike promises that it will introduce dieting programs in China by making kids work longer hours and for less pay.

Nancy Grace is expected to join the cast of Dancing with the Stars and in a surprise move, Casey Anthony has been named her partner since Nancy Grace can’t do much of anything without her.  *Lame joke of the week alert*  Hope Solo is also joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars.  I wonder if she will be dancing...solo.

88% of people who said they watched MTV’s VMAs last night had no clue MTV still played music videos.

My horoscope was quite interesting today.  It said, “Most people hate you but you could care less because you’re the type of guy who masturbates at a funeral.”  Wow, those things are so specific.

Experts expect a large amount of children to be born in the east coast region 9 months from now.  They also predict that many will be named Irene and a few who will become strippers later in life will be named Hurricane.

The FCC has told ESPN they need to edit the sexually charged grunting sounds during the U.S. Open.  ESPN will replace all grunts with the sound of Mel Kiper’s voice saying the word “tennis”.

The commissioner of the Big 12 athletic conference is demanding that the letter A on Texas A&M’s jerseys be colored scarlet because they are whoring themselves out to other conferences.

Danica Patrick is going to race in NASCAR, the sport with the least amount of sexual fantasies possible to think of while watching.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Guys, if you have a wife or girlfriend and she owns a dildo, hide it on her.  That way when she’s running around the house screaming, “where the hell is it,” you’ll know she’s in the mood.  Also a good way to know whether or not you’re good in bed is to find out how many batteries she goes through.  If your woman isn’t into anal sex you can always tell her that it will help keep her regular.

The best part of kids is when they aren’t yours.

Pick-up line sure to fail: If I said you had nice breasts would you hold them against me?

When people tell me I am a lucky man I tell them they haven’t met my ex.

I’m surprised there aren’t many tramp stamp collectors out there.

There are three criteria you need to meet before you can become a reality star.  1.  Have a sex tape.  2.  Be addicted to drugs.  3.  Make cakes.  Can someone teach me how to bake?

I think the guy who predicted the Rapture a few months back got a new job as the meteorologist who predicted that Hurricane Irene would be catastrophic.

I can tell I’ve been single way to long.  The doctors told me I have carpal tunnel in my wrists.

When I get home late at night I like to turn my stereo up really loud and blast Pink Floyd’s “Great Gig in the Sky” so my neighbors will think I’m getting some.

I like my women like I like my chicken fried steak…cheap, thick, tender, and smothered in country gravy.

I like my violence like I like my beer…domestic.

Saying cereal is only for breakfast is like saying sex is only for married people.

My girlfriend says a lot of stupid shit.  Most recently she said, “I love you.”

Next time I see a friend of mine in real life, I’m going to ask them to give me a rec.  I’m taking Xanga to the streets, yo.

Class, I read and graded your last assignment.  A lot of you improved with the explanation as to why you took a certain position.  That is great but some of you show room for improvement.  You get an A.  Now don't rest on your previous grades.  There still is work to do and room for improvement.

Here's this week's assignment:

This week I am going easy on you.  You will only have to list the bands for each decade however if you want extra credit you may tell me why you selected that particular band.

OK, class, it's time to get to work.

Class, I read and graded your previous assignment.  I spoke to soon last week when I said some of you were getting the hang of answer the "why" portion of the assignment.  I shouldn't have opened my mouth.  You get an A-.  Don't ask to see the rubric because I lost it while riding with my moonroof open.  It flew right out the top.  You know what's funny?  I had a teacher in high school that lost every semester test while driving his motorcycle.  I just looked at him when he announced it at the start of the second semester because who drives a motorcycle IN WISCONSIN IN JANUARY!

Here's this week's assignment:

1.  
or
2. 

You have your choice of assignment this week.  If you want extra credit you can do both assignments.  Make sure for #1 you include why you enjoy one over the other.

Get to work.

1.  I'd go with pancakes because I've never had true waffles.  I've had Eggo waffles but I don't think those count.  I actually am saying this because the pancake lobbyist paid me a visit and treated me to Denny's pancakes this weekend.

2.  I am on the fence with this one.  Part of me says that I would take money to go to a school and then part of me says I wouldn't.  I wouldn't take money because I know it is wrong but I would take money if I knew my family needed it.

Last night I got thinking of a post I did two years ago and thought I'd re-post it with some additions.  It seems like everyone lists their favorites in list form so I thought I'd list my least favorites.  Of course this list is subjective and my personal taste but to me these people are the absolute worst.

#10  Gallagher or Gallagher Two or is it Gallagher

Maybe I should have dedicated this comedian to two spaces on my list.  Leo Gallagher made a living doing all these hippie and yuppie jokes in the 80s and he tried to make a difference in comedy.  Well apparently it didn't work out for him because people only wanted to see him smash watermelons.  Then when that got stale he sold his trademarked name to his brother Ron.  Then Leo came back as Gallagher Two and eventually brother Ron sued but the courts sided with Leo.  Gallgher then went on to become a political comedian and made many homophobic and racial jokes in his sets but people only wanted to see him smash watermelons.  In his defense, Gallagher pretty much invented the one-man cable comedy show.  Still, I once heard Gallagher described as the Richard Simmons of the comedy world and about as funny as a baby with cancer.  The only thing funny about Gallagher was Dave Chappelle's Black Gallagher skit.

#9 Sandra Bernhard

Listening to her tell jokes is about as enjoyable as getting a prostate exam.  It's also pretty difficult to watch her perform because well isn't it obvious?  You'd think she could take that ugliness and work it into her act.  Nope, she still tells lame jokes.  I know comedians aren't always much to look at as much as they are to hear but that horrible permanent sneer...ARGH!  She tried to make a little bit of a come back and used Arnold Schrwarzenegger's philandering to become relevant for a few minutes.  She claimed he hit on her.  She claimed that he wanted to date her but she told him she didn't go out with Germans.  So she's an idiot as well?  Oh and about that time she claims she slept with Jay Leno.  Yep, idiot.

#8 Yakov Smirnoff

I think the best way I can describe Yakov is if you imagine Borat but not funny.  He makes excrusiatingly painful jokes about American culture and adds "what a country!" to every punchline.  One example, "In America you give people piece of plastic and they give you stuff.  What a country!"  So I get it, life in communist Russia was pretty difficult and you had to wait in line to buy everything including toilet paper.  But what's worse than life in communist Russia?  It's telling jokes in Missouri that only people over 75 years old appreciate because they still think Communism is the enemy of America.

#7 Carrot Top

I guess we should've learned from Gallagher that prop comics aren't funny.  It's not only that his props are a little on the lame side but it's mainly that his delivery and timing is so awkward.  You just don't feel comfortable watching him perform.  Maybe it's a stretch calling him a comedian.  If Gallagher is as funny as a baby with cancer what does that say about Carrot Top since he's basically copying him and he couldn't come up with anything better than smashing a watermelon with a hammer.  Bill Hicks once said this about Carrot Top, "Carrot Top is for people who didn’t get Gallagher.”  It's sort of sad that the high point of Mr. Top's career was doing commercials for pay-phone collect calls. 

#6 Kathy Griffin

I really don't need to explain Kathy Griffin. She is just plain horrible and unfunny and listening to her is like listening to nails on a chalkboard.  I think her whole career has been based upon the character she played on Seinfeld.  She wasn't funny then and she isn't funny now.  She's like Joan Rivers with more swearing and more gays.  Kathy claims to be on the celebrity d-list but for a while there she was everywhere you looked.  Maybe I'm not in her Target audience of people who read US Weekly, read Cathy comics, and religiously watch Bravo.  Is it me or has she been 40 for the past 15 years?

#5 Paula Poundstone

This is a strange question, but do you think anyone has benefited from the tragedies of the terrorist attacks of 9/11?  If you answered Paula Poundstone, you would probably be correct...no I am not going to go into how Dick Cheney's stock in Haliburton rose by 4000% during his time as vice President.  Paula Poundstone had a bit of a drinking problem and she got liquored up during the summer of 2001 and drove her kids to an ice cream parlor.  Well workers at the parlor noticed and called the police after she left.  Paula was arrested for drunk driving and child endangerment.  To make matters worse she was also charged with committing lewd acts upon a girl under the age of 14.  Then 9/11 happened and the media had a new focus and Paula slipped through the cracks.  She received probation and was barred from being a foster parent.  Now she uses all those experiences for her new material because apparently child molestation jokes are the new "in".  Well Christopher Titus got a couple years out of a horrible sitcom based on his jokes about his dad beating him.  The Minneapolis library system was set to have a rally to get kids and adults to read in 2006.  The original comedian scheduled was Kevin Nealon but he canceled so they booked Paula Poundstone.  Numerous schools dropped out of the program after she was booked....gee I wonder why?

#4 Jeff Foxworthy

Is it the mustache?  The pseudo-mullet?  I can't stand this guy.  I just want to rip that silly 'stache off his lip.  That show he hosts on Fox, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader, is fitting since the last time I laughed at a Foxworthy joke was when I was in fifth grade.  I hate the redneck jokes and then all the other "you might be a..." jokes that he spawned.  The worst was when I was living in southern Minnesota.  It was the southern part of the state so people took that to mean that they were actual southerners.  One of the houses that was across the street from my place held some of the biggest troglodytes I have ever seen.  They were Foxworthy fans and one night they were drinking the southern Minnesota staple, Michelob Golden Draft Light, complete with olives in the glass, which we call a Minnesota Martini, and they started in with Redneck jokes.  The winner: You may be a redneck, if'fn you're me!  HAHAHAHAHAHA....yeah that was the same guy who destroyed his front door and couldn't fix it so they used the side window on the porch to enter and exit the house.  Do rednecks still find this guy funny?

#3 Larry the Cable Guy

Ugh...this guy.  I had students constantly saying his line...GIT-R-DUN!  Also the neighbors I mentioned above would at all hours of the night scream "GIT-R-DUN!"  Oh it was so bad.  How can a bigot get so famous?  Well, Larry has said that he speaks what America thinks so I guess that means everyone in America is a racist and homophobe.  He's a fraud.  Take some time and look up his early work under his real name.  I really loved seeing him in a perm and Cosby sweater and telling jokes about cubicles. 

#2 Carlos Mencia

This may come off as racist but it's not; I just hate Carlos Mencia.  If he is the most talented comedian to come out of Latin America, then I am surprised more Americans aren't clamoring to put up a 50 foot fence with barbed wire that packs a 50,000 volt punch.  Carlos is a thief.  He has stolen from Joe Rogan and numerous other comedians.  Do yourself a favor an look for his feud with Joe Rogan.  It got very heated and there were times when Rogan would confront Mencia and they almost came to blows.  Also one of the funniest things I ever heard concerning Carlos was when he was doing a radio show and talking about a skit he was working on for his show, whose format was basically a rip-of of the Dave Chappelle Show.  It was something about the Olympics for the deities of world religions.  Well they did air it but after Carlos hung up the DJ said that they would never have Carlos on the air because he stole the bit from them.  He then played the skit they aired a year prior that had been floating around the internet.  Oh and another reason I hate Carlos Mencia, his catch phrase was "dee dee dee." WTF?  I think his thievery caught up with him and eventually his show was canceled and I have not seen him do any performances but low and behold CNN paraded Carlos Mencia out to speak about Hispanic Americans thought about healthcare.  WTF?

#1.  Dane Cook

Sweet Jesus I hate this guy.  I blasted Carlos Mencia for thievery.  Cook is just the same.  Do a youtube search for him and Louis CK.  There is one video that shows how Dane took Louis CK's act verbatim but gave his strange twist to it.  That strange style...where did he get that from?  When he was writing out Louis CK's jokes did he think to himself, "How do I make this better?  I GOT IT!  I will say the joke in a normal voice, repeat it in a strange voice, and then shout it!  I AM A FREAKIN' GENIUS!"  Yes that is his style.  Say the joke, repeat it in funny voice and then scream it.  I guess when people hear someone yell it is funny.  I think I have only laughed at Dane Cook twice.  Once was during a stand-up routine and I had a few too many beers and seeing him run around stage was cool because my eyes were having a difficult time focusing.  The other time was when his brother embezzled millions of dollars from him.

Last time I posted this I had someone create a Xanga site just to argue me about how awesome Dane Cook was.  So now I ask you:

from posting cats. 

My day was great.  I went to bed at 5:45AM and woke up at 9.  Went to the Farmer's Market and came home and watched College Football game day.  I get a phone call from my aunt asking if I wanted to tag along on a trip to a discount grocery store.  I decided to go because I had never been there.  I got some great deals and some great cheese.  3 Alarm cheese...jalapenos, habeneros, and some other pepper is in it plus red pepper flakes.  I also got a bruscetta cheese that had basil and red pepper and some other ingredients.  We then went to an apple orchard.  They had free apple cider donuts and apples.  I love those donuts but they shouldn't give them away because a half dozen and dozen were quite pricey.  Also you were limited to one free apple but they had two varieties.  I couldn't make up my mind as to which I wanted so I took both.  Fuck the rules.  They were pretty tasty but I didn't eat them until I left and when I was done I threw those cores out the window of the car.  I am such a criminal.  We drove through a small town with a population of about 70.  They were having ATV drag races.  It was fun watching these kids drag their four wheelers.  I came home and watched some high school football and here I am Xanga.  LOVE ME!  LAVISH ATTENTION UPON ME!  SEND ME NUDES (but only if you are 18 and want to help me fight some form of cancer)!

So tonight...ARGH!  I went shopping tonight for materials for my Labor Day parade float.  Even though it's not technically mine but representing the church to which I belong I call it mine because I picked the theme and designed it and have put a lot of time into it.  Anyway I think I'm set.  I just have to do a lot of painting tomorrow and Sunday.  I went shopping and then I ended up at a Denny's and now I am home.  I'm leaving major gaps because if I did write about everything I would rant and this would be really long which is something I love hearing people say.  It's such an ego booster to see a lady post in the comment section, "This is long." Well thank you, ma'am...sorry so many of my dreams start that way and end with "Was that it?"  Time for the round up.

Let's get the not safe for life out of the way first.  Snooki showed off this little number on her way to church.  No, she was going to the free clinic to get her shots.  OK, girls, you see that face she's making?  Those lips?  STOP THAT!  It's so fucking stupid.

Tori Amos turned 48 this week.  Wow!  She still looks great.  Hubba hubba...did I just say that? 

Look out, fellas, Sinead O'Connor is single and ready to mingle.  She is really hard up for a man and took to her blog to mention her affliction: "My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action."  She also put out a list of what she is looking for in a man: "He must be no younger than 44.  Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog.  Must not be named Brian or Nigel.  Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous.  Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.  Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.  I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.  No hair gel.  No hair dryer use.  No hair dye  Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.  No after shave.  Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam.  Must be wham-bam.  Has to like his mother.  Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.  Has to live in own place."  In another posting she said that any man she picked must enjoy anal sex or as she put it "the difficult brown".  You know I thought about applying because all of that describes me except the Ireland bit.  I'm also too young and I'm not sure about the difficult brown.  I think anal sex is down right shitty.  Maybe I'll get Sinead to write me a post on Craigslist.

Sara Gilbert, left, closed her legs to her partner of 10 years.  She is now a single woman and she's pretty hot on that daytime talk show, The Talk...I think.  Maybe I'll have a shot.  Oh who am I kidding, I'd never be able to date her because whenever we would be intimate I'd hear, "DARLENE!  KEEP IT DOWN!"

Larry Flynt and Hustler magazine claims to have in their possession an intimate tape featuring Rihanna and a rapper named J-Cole.  He was one of her opening acts on her last tour.  I think "intimate tape" is code words for no exposed genitals, just dry humping, and no orgasm.  If I wanted to watch that, I'd just watch Cinemax. 

Besides, why bother watching an intimate tape featuring Rihanna when I could just go to one of her shows to watch her jill off.  I'd rather watch her do that than do a guy.

I never knew the politics of Reese Witherspoon but I think we know where her heart lies when she posed like this while surfing.  It also may explain why she immediately said, "Wir mussen den Fortbestand unserer Rasse bewahren und auch die Zukunft arischer Kinder sicherstellen."  It would also explain why she's trying to play Eva Braun in a movie.

Paris Hilton will be heading to the unemployment line because her show on the Oxygen network was canceled.  I'm happy to know that now I can safely watch TV without wearing a condom in case I accidentally flipped through channels and landed on her show.  Having her show canceled must make Paris burn almost as much as it burns when she pisses.  Maybe the cancellation of these reality shows shows that Americans are finally starting realize that Paris and all her reality star ilk are nothing but spoiled brats with too much time and money on their hands and no brains.  If you really wanted to watch people act like that you could just watch CSPAN.

Octomom took time out of her busy schedule of being a mother to 14 children to show off her battle scars.  Ummmm....OK.  That's for you @raiderjester

Remember when the band Oasis was pretty good and actually one of the better bands on the scene?  Yeah I think I was in high school back then.  Well I think this pretty much sums up what the band has been up to for the past 10 years or so.  Liam Gallagher is suing his brother Noel for comments that Noel made insinuating that the band had to drop out of a concert in 2009 because Liam had a hangover.  Liam says it's a lie and that he was upset that he couldn't perform for the fans.  He claims that all he wants is an apology but he hasn't received one so he's had to take matters to court.  They are brothers so this lawsuit is probably like one giving the other a titty twister and trying to get him to say uncle.  The court needs to order these two to receive a good horse whipping and then to start making some good music again.

Nick Ashford, right, passed away this week at the age of 69.  Along with his writing partner Valerie Simpson, left, wrote some memorable hits for artists such as Ray Charles, The 5th Dimension, Aretha Franklin, Marvin Gaye, Gladys Knight and the Pips, Dianna Ross, Teddy Pendergrass, Smokey Robinson, and Ronnie Milsap.  They had a huge impact on the Motown music sound.  Ashford will be greatly missed. 

Derek Jeter broke up with Minka Kelly this week.  Why?  She is just so stunning.  I want to make a joke about 3000 hits but it's too late.  All I'll say is that the Yankees really suck.

Michael C. Hall, 40 years old, has a new woman in his life.  In December of 2008 he married Dexter co-star Jennifer Carpenter.  In January of 2010 he said doctors diagnosed him with lymphoma and four months later he was declared cancer free.  Then this past Christmas he divorced his wife.  He traded her in for a younger model.  Jennifer Carpenter was getting pretty old, 31, and his new piece is 25.  The girl he's dating is an executive for Showtime, the network that owns Dexter.  When they go out people wouldn't know they were dating because they are never seen together and if they go out together in public she walks far behind him so people won't suspect they are together.  Most of the time she goes to his house where they hang out.  So Hall gets a woman who is 15 years younger than him to come over to his house to bang him and when they go out she has to walk a distance behind him.  Some dudes really are living the life.

Megan Fox revealed that she is going to be removing her famous Marilyn Monroe tattoo.  She claims that she wants to remove it because Marilyn was such a negative and disturbed person and that she doesn't want the tattoo to attract evil forces.  Why, yes, tattoos are a conduit of evil forces entering your and possessing you to do more evil.  Tattoos are the leading cause of death no place.  See this is why kids these days are stupid.  God, I sound like my dad.  Kids impulsively get tattoos in a highly visible part of their body to show off their rebellious nature and then they hit adulthood and regret the tattoo so they have to spend thousands of dollars on laser removal surgery when they could be spending that money on something productive like porn or drugs.  Kids who read this, you will not get hired if your arms look like a freeway overpass.  Don't get tattoos on visible parts of your body.  That's why I got the lyrics to "Stairway to Heaven" tattoed on my penis.

Marky Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are opening a burger restaurant in Boston.  I wasn't shocked by the name but it was still a little surprising.  This is the best name for a burger restaurant since Burger She Wrote.  The name of their restaurant will be....wait for it...wait for it...WAHLBURGERS!  They have leased a 4,300 square foot building where they plan on making the good vibrations happen.  They said that if the burger joint takes off they plan on expanding.  You know they are going to have menu items such as So Hi to Your Motha's Cookies, The Right Stuffed Burger, Please Don't Go Grilled Cheese, Good Piebrations, and the Funky Bunch of Lettuce Salad.  PLEASE GOD, YOU DON'T ANSWER ANY OF MY OTHER PRAYERS BUT PLEASE OH PLEASE LET THOSE BE ACTUAL MENU ITEMS!

Bitch got married.  Our long national nightmare is over and do you notice what's missing in the photo?  THE FUCKING GROOM!  A chick who sky-rocketed to fame because she had sex with a guy on film a few years ago married a guy who sits on a bench in the NBA and only averages 5 points a game.  There were many celebrity guests at the wedding such as Eva Longoria, Demi Lovato, Mario Lopez, Avril Lavigne, Serena and Venus Williams, Nicole Richie, Ryan Seacrest, Julianne Hough, Maria Menounos, and incredibly, Dina, Ali, and Lindsay Lohan.  Lindsay wasn't invited.  She just smelled the free bar.  She's a bloodhound when it comes to booze.  Sources are saying that right before the wedding, Kim's sex tape partner Ray J texted her this message: "And to think you really have me to thank for all this "  I am happy to see Ray J is admitting his guilt but he should've included Ryan Seacrest and O.J. Simpson as his accomplices but they are both imprisoned, one in jail and the other in the closet.  I'm shocked that Kim didn't make a toast to O.J. and Ray J's bladder for making this marriage popular.  Speaking of the reception, it was scheduled to last until 4:30AM at the Kardashian compound but police arrived and told them that there were noise complaints so it ended early.  Kris Humphries teammates have taken to calling him Kate Middleton because he married into a royal family.  I feel sorry for the guy.  Sources are saying that the Kardashians spent nearly $17million on this wedding and none of it went to the Humphries family.  They had to buy their own plane tickets and fly economy to California.  People are also claiming that the Humphries looked shocked and appalled the whole time.  Well I'd be shocked too if my kid married one of the biggest whores in the world.  An insider claims that Kim and Kris have decided not to go on their honeymoon yet because of work commitments.  Please.  The only work she does is sitting in front of a camera and she can do plenty of that on a honeymoon and besides that Kris ain't working because the NBA is shut down.  The only reason they aren't going so soon is because they want to space things out so that they don't use up all their attention at once. 

As I already mentioned, Lindsay was at the Kardashian wedding and people are claiming that she got incredibly drunk and had to be carried out.  Well that's great.  In other Lindsay news, she is suing rapper Pit Bull because of lyrics in his song "Give Me Everything".  Here are the lyrics she has taken offense to: "Hustlers move aside, so I'm tiptoein', to keep flowin' / I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan"  In the lawsuit Lindsay claims that she is a professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild, and is suing under the New York civil rights laws, which protects people from having their name exploited for commercial purposes.  She should throw in some pain in suffering while she's at it.  Now back to the wedding...there was a cover band and they played this song.  Lindsay sat fuming while people were out dancing to the song.  So embarrassing Lindsay at her wedding was the real reason Kim invited her.  That and inviting Lindsay would give Kim more media coverage.  With all the attention-whoring those two do, I'm shocked the universe didn't collapse upon itself but as as shocked as I was when I realized Kim didn't sell advertising space on her wedding dress like the ads on NASCAR cars.

Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart's daughter, and Benecio Del Toro welcomed their baby girl into the world this week.  They named her Delilah.  Part of me is happy that they named their daughter after a Biblical whore and the other part makes me want to punch Benecio for putting that crappy Hey there Delilah song in my head.  Kimberly Stewart is also upset that Benecio hasn't really been enthused about the birth of their daughter.  Apparently he claims it was just a one night stand but Kimberly thought the child would bring them together for a real relationship.  What did she expect?  This was the biggest mistake Benecio has made besides Wolfman.  I think the only way he'd be involved is if she needed a ride to Planned Parenthood.

This photo was taken seconds after Jennifer Lopez farted.  There is no word as to how many survivors there were.

Helen Mirren was at the premiere of some movie this week and you know for an older dame she's quite a juicy tomato.  Oh that broad is gammin'. 

Here's a little David Beckham showing off his package while playing soccer for the ladies.  You know when I think of soccer this is pretty much what I see, a bunch of guys prancing around wearing short shorts and squealing like Minnie Mouse.  I'll just stick to the NFL where guys wear skin tight pants and announcers circle the guys who have the sweatiest asses.  I'm just glad I my uniform had black pants.

This is Courtney Stodden.  She's 16 years old and she's married to a 51 year old man.  Her and her husband were on an Australian morning show this week and they announced that they were working on a reality show.  Oh gee that's swell!  They also said a bunch of other cringing things.  When asked how she fell for Doug Hutchinson, Courtney said: "Because of his face, his body, his sexy hair. Talk about seducing! He seduced me immediately! I knew off the bat that he was the one for me and that was it. When you find that one man you know you love, go for it!"  Doug said this: "Courtney embodies the classic iconic figures of the past. The Marilyn Monroes. The Sharon Tates. The Pamela Andersons."  Courtney replied: "Old Hollywood. Very classy! The world should not forget beautiful woman like that. They have made a beautiful impact on the world."  Hmmm Doug is setting her up for failure by comparing her to those women.  Marilyn Monroe died of a drug overdose.  Sharon Tate was murdered and Pamela Anderson has hepatitis.  They also said they have two dogs named Tuna and Bizarre.  Bizarre can only be used to describe this relationship and not a damn dog's name.  If you have a Twitter and want to follow this mess check out @CourtneyStodden.  She gave us this classic: "Experiencing such a wet 'n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs"  She's 16 remember.

Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Brooke Mueller are trying to get back together and raise their children.  This past week Charlie took her and the kids to Mexico.  Good for them.  Remember the kids did already witness their dad choke Brooke and threaten to kill her in from of them.  Maybe they'll get to see their crackhead mom stabbed by their raging warlock father and then they can get Dora to help hide the body.  So Charlie has been telling Twenty Mile Zone that he is trying to get Brooke clean.  So it's another case of the crackhead leading the crackhead.  I'd never thought I'd hear Charlie Sheen be called a sobriety coach.  He claims that his work is paying off and she's more sober and healthy than he's ever seen her but when he's the one saying that, you have issues.  The guy knows sober living as much as I know runway modeling.  He probably just took her to Mexico so she can be his drug mule.  You'd be shocked to know how much drugs you can fit inside an empty skull.

Carrie Fisher is working for some weightloss thing and she's lost 50lbs in 9 months.  I wonder if she can get into her Princess Leia bikini.  I hereby challenger her to loss as much weight as it takes to get back into that bikini and I promise I will not masturbate to Star Wars until she releases photos of her wearing said bikini.

Burger King announced this week that there was a coup d'état at Burger King headquarters and the King will no longer be a spokesman.  They want to go healthy and appeal to the mom crowd.  They started the movement by pushing the California Whopper.  My dad said he ordered one and the guacamole was brown.  Yep, that's healthy.  Come on, the only reason people want to eat at Burger King is so they can get some grease in their body to soak up all the booze.  We need to get the King back on his throne before he is spotted fapping in the back of a porn theater.  LONG LIVE THE KING!

This is Brenda Song.  She was on some Disney mess show and she was also the girl who gave head in The Social Network.  This week she announced that she was pregnant and the father was Trace Cyrus, Miley Cyrus' older brother.  So the parents of this child will be a hot Asian woman and an inbred hick.  What a genetic combo!  Look on the bright side, this will be the first Cyrus kid who will be good at both math and playing an empty jug.

Ashton Kutcher is allegedly bribing the cast and staff of Two and a Half Men to get them to like him more.  He had an on-set party where he supplied $12,000 worth of sushi.  He's also trying to take the time to get to know everyone affiliated with the show.  People are saying he's trying to get people to like him better than Charlie Sheen.  If Ashton wants to do that then all he needs to do is not get the show shut down and have jobs potentially eliminated because of drug abuse.

So here we see a friend cupping Adrianne Curry's breast.  Let's review the tape here, Adrianne won a reality show, was cast on another reality show, hooked up with Peter Brady, married Peter Brady, and now has divorced Peter Brady.  What does she do?  She plays video games, has boobs, goes to comic conventions, has boobs, experimental scientist, has boobs BOOBS!  Reps are saying Adrianne and Peter are still friends and are amicable.  He's also hoping that they can once again find happiness.  Poop on that noise!  She's going to run-off with a guy she meets on World of Warcraft.

I definitely wished this happened.  In a recent interview Britney Spears said that if she wasn't a pop singer she would have become a teacher because she likes kids and she loves meeting her fans.  She also said she'd focus on teaching reading and history.  Bitch obviously should be reading the history of her life.  Remember that she is 29 years old and is still under court ordered conservatorship which was extended by psychiatrists.  If you don't know what that means, a judge said she was too stupid to live her life so she had to have her father to assemble a group of people to make sure she didn't run in traffic, wore underwear, jump-rope with downed powerlines, or like electric sockets.  Do teachers need to love their kids?  Well Britney did take her kids hostage and had a stand-off with the police.  Remember all the care she gave them when they were infants?  I guess she loved them enough to drop them repeatedly and let them piss everywhere and eat a steady diet of Cheetos and Sunkist.  She also showed love by fucking one of her bodyguards while they were present in the hotel room and that was the same bodyguard who said she beat her kids with a belt.  Then she did just give up custody of her kids so she could go on tour.  She probably shouldn't be allowed around photos of schools much less a real school.  Can you image what your kids would be like if they had her as a teacher.  They'd be more whacked than my penis after watching the Lingerie Football League.  The only place she should teach is an exclusive finishing school for former Disney stars.  She'd teach the girls that if they are dating a wannabe rapper and they have sex, make sure he pulls out.  Brenda Song should have been a student.

Video Section
Did you see this video of Jim Carrey talking about Emma Stone?  Apparently it's a joke but in reality it is creepy.

I hope everyone is having a swell weekend.

So tonight was fun.  I went to my church to help construct a float for my town's Labor Day parade.  I figured I should show up because the design and theme are my idea.  Yeah, mock me all you want but this float looks pretty good.  I don't remember if I showed off the float I designed last year.  Oh well someone will help me remember.  I picked some apples today and am looking for a press so I can make some hard cider.  Ummm time for links?  Time for links.

1.  This tumblr site is called The Story of Man.  It's quite simple and funny.  They find news articles that begin with "Man" or "Woman".  This is sort of like that Google thing where you type your name + is.  Anyway it's funny.

2.  Have you ever went to school or work and you were wearing the exact same outfit as someone else?  Well here is a site called I Like Looking Like Other People that celebrates those awkward moments.  I guarantee no one on Xanga is wearing what I am currently wearing.  Who wants to guess what I'm wearing?

3.  Kim Simac was one of the senators that got recalled in Wisconsin.  I found this fun tumblr site called Stuff Simac Says.  Read some of it and then realize that she authors children's books.

4.  So in case you didn't know there was an earthquake on the east coast and there was one in Colorado but do you hear the people in Colorado bitching about it?  No.  Apparently Twitter was ablaze after the earthquake and here is a collection of the 20 best tweets.  The first photo...anyone get that?

5.  I loved seeing this site of yearbook photos of famous comedians.  Some day I hope my photo is on it but then I can't think of any yearbook photo I've taken.  I think I skipped out on my college photos.  Anyway, doesn't Steve Carrell look like he's a serial killer?

6.  While I was looking at yearbook photos, I found this collection of funny yearbook quotes.  I can't even remember mine.  Wait, we didn't have quotes in our yearbook.  We had them in our senior memory books.  Mine was: "What's the hurry?  School's always there."  So deep.

7.  Have you ever wondered about the news in Haiti?  Don't go to this site if you want to find out.

8.  One of my guilty pleasures as of late is going to youtube and watching fights in fast food restaurants.  Here's a collection of the best fights.

9.  Have you ever thought how safe your password was?  I think most of my passwords are safe and won't be able to be hacked.  Well here is a collection of amazing passwords IT guys have shared.

10.  I am late to the party with this one.  I've seen a few of you post it.  It's called The Last Meals Project and it's a collection of death row inmates' last meals before they were executed.  I think I asked that once before but what would you eat as your last meal?

11.  If you are underage and in need of a fake i.d., don't use any of these because they are cartoon characters' driver's licenses.  I could pass for #5 if I had a little less hair.  #9 gives away the state where the Simpsons live but #14 sort of puts a damper on it.

12.  I'm in the mood for a movie tonight.  Click this link of alternative movie posters of the movie I plan on watching.

You white people are so stupid.

Conan O'Barbrien...I think that looks better than that new movie.

Free with every purchase of a new Corvette.

I've always wondered how beauty parlors get new customers.

Here's how I view social networking sites.

Freedom isn't free, it costs folks like you and me and if we don't all chip in we'll never pay that bill.  Freedom isn't free, no, there's a hefty fuckin' fee.  And if you don't throw in your buck 'o five, who will?

Oh Lady Xerox, you aren't that original.  My pubic hair has more creativity.

Here was see an interpretative dance re-enacting how the early settlers of Louisiana came up with the name Baton Rogue.


Welcome back to school!

Xanga's batch uploader was quite working but never fear I found a way to get you some crappy tattoos.

Maybe this one isn't so bad as it is truthful.  Star Wars is so much better than Star Trek...and the nerd drama will commence in 3...2...1...

Pardon me, but there is some hair on your pizza.  Ladies, is that appetizing?

A singing cheeseburger?  I'm surprised there aren't palm trees behind it so it's a singing cheeseburger in paradise.  I hate Jimmy Buffet.

But I think she's still alive.

Oh how lovely!  If those are Americans I have a machete in my garage that I'd like to introduce to those limbs.

I am trying to figure out which is worse: the tattoo or the haircut.

I've never been to a Cracker Barrel so I can't tell you how good their food is.  All I know is that it's probably not tattoo-worthy good.

I wonder what Zappa would think of this one.  It's beautiful artwork but...WHY?

Oh yeah, that guy is a bad boy.

Oh Jesus, I think the tattoo artist was a fan of Tolkein and he got the Bible confused with Lord of the Rings and he made Jesus look like a hobbit.

Yeah that is most definitely a great cover-up.  Rock and Roll Christ....maybe he is just a fan of Jesus Christ Superstar.

OMG! I see Jesus in that tribal junk tattoo.  I am going to chop that arm off and sell it on eBay.

I have studied theology for quite some time.  I seriously doubt that angels have tattoos.

Poor Johnny Unitas...I just don't know what is wrong with people.

Now is this tattoo celebrating legendary NASCAR drive Dale Earnhardt or legendary zombie Dale Earnhardt?

If I saw this tattoo on a girl, I would run away in fear.  For those of you who don't know, a couple summers ago I was bitten by a spider and I almost lost my leg.  I would see this tattoo and worry about spiders in various caverns.

Here's a tip to all my readers...if someone dares you to get a tattoo, make them pay for it.  This guy didn't.  He lost a bet and had to pay for that.  I wouldn't mind seeing this on a girl and if the reclining figures were fat guys.  Then maybe I could find true love.

Sadly, she turned me down for a date.

So is that a fur-de-lay?

This may be the worst tattoo EVER!

I've seen a lot of people on Xanga pointing fingers at which side was responsible for our current debt crisis but no one offers any solutions to fix the debt crisis.  That's where I come in.

-First thing that gets cut...ALL FORESKINS!  All the infections are putting a strain on our fragile health care system.  If people want their children to be uncircumcised then they must have their children watch a daily reminder video for proper washing and we will create more jobs with inspectors.
-Eliminate the salaries of all politicians.
-Release all the people in prison who are guilty of drug possession
-Make all light drugs legal and tax them heavily.
-All military is recalled to United States soil and the soldiers are put to work fixing America's roads and bridges...much like what they are doing in Iraq and Afghanistan.
-If we don't bring the military home then we start the WPA to fix our nations crumbling infrastructure.
-No more foreign intervention.  The world hates us, let them hate, but let them police themselves.
-Give every state no more than 100% of the taxes they pay.  How many Tea Partiers will die off when all their medicare and social security dries up?
-Sell off some of the states to Pakistan so we can keep a better eye on them.
-Draft everyone, the overweight and handicapped included, and TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
-PRINT MORE MONEY!
-Stop all foreign aid because really all those foreign countries give me are mail order brides and we all know how my last marriage worked out.
-Raise the debt ceiling to ONE MILLION DOLLARS!  (It's 2011 and I'm still using Austin Powers jokes.)
-Tax people who still make Austin Powers jokes.
-Tax reality TV and the people who view reality TV.  That shit must stop.
-National bikini carwash days.
-National bake sales.
-No American citizen is allowed to answer the phone when America's bill collectors call.
-Let sitcom writers figure it out because they can solve anything in under 30 minutes.
-Legalize the cloning of dinosaurs so mad scientists can open dinosaur theme parks.
-Mortgage the U.S. to Apple.
-Force Oprah to buy China, and Oprah will do one more show.  During this show Oprah will leave all of China's manufacturing jobs under the seats of Americans.
-Tax every woman on Facebook $1 every time they complain about men.
-Screw maintenance on national parks, pave over everything.
-Bingo nights at the White House.
-Make Monopoly money legal tender.
-Every American must learn how to play billiards and then we go abroad and we hustle pool until we are in the black.
-We find wizards to brew a special exilir that when poured out it will fix the economy.
-Convince everyone that the debt crisis is a cinnamon roll and that everyone needs to eat their share to fix America.  Let's face it, Americans are obese and love cinnamon rolls.
-Secretly send U.S. troops to major casinos all over the world to pull off Ocean's 11 style heists.
-Every toilet becomes a pay toilet and the fine for public urination is $15,000.
-Invent time machines so we can go back in time to mine all the gold and oil and have it for our present selves.
-Meatless Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays and all we are allowed to eat on those days is Top Ramen.
-Hire the U.S. women's national soccer team to kick politicians in the junk until they fix things.

-We also tax any book containing vampires.

-We tax sad trees

-Have scientists invent machines that create earthquakes and then use them on the American public to bring them to their knees and pay more taxes...wait, they already have that.


-Tax people who don't understand why these are funny.

This has nothing to do with the debt crisis.  I just thought it was an awesome cover and pretty damn great to see the Brewers getting some national attention.

A religiousrestaraunt usually ends with a question:

The only reason why people still buy CDs is because it’s impossible to snort lines of coke off mp3s.

Bert and Ernie have spent the past 30 years with a guy’s hand up their asses and just now we’ve asked if they are gay?

A scientist claims that biofuel can be made with the fat from alligators but the rest of the science community say this is just a croc.

Facebook has begun to allow prisoners to open accounts but in the relationship status they have to say “it’s complicated”.

I’ve often thought that if you put the government in charge of the Sahara desert within 5 years there would be a shortage of sand.

1 in 5 divorces are the result of 1 in 5 relationships on match.com

A recent study revealed that men with healthy sperm live longer.  Now if I could just get my sperm to eat right and exercise.

A few of my Born-Again friends told me they hope Tim Tebow is cut from the Broncos so they won’t have to pick him on their all Christian fantasy football team.  Christians are also meeting for trade discussions to trade Tebow to the Muslims.

Is it wrong to fantasize about gay men?  I’ve been fantasizing that a group of gay men take my girlfriend shopping so I can stay home and watch football.

If I spent as much time bench pressing and running in high school as I did making mix tapes, I wouldn’t be sleeping alone tonight.

Do you think if Rick Perry loses the GOP nomination or the presidency he’ll make Texas secede or will he go back to being the frontman for Journey?

My grandfather once told me that if you give a man to fish he’ll eat for one day but if you teach him to fish he’ll plan fishing trips with his buddies to get away from his wife’s incessant nagging.

Prostitutes put the “fee” in females.

I hate when I ask people about a movie and they tell me that the book was better.  Like I know how to read.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Mini-cheeseburgers or as jackasses call them, sliders, are about as enjoyable as ½ of a blowjob.

I think the first step of helping Libya establish democracy is deploying all the Kardashians there to show the Libyans what reality really is and then filming the next season of Jersey Shore there.

A recent survey revealed that 77% of the patrons at Pizza Hut want me to leave them alone and 64% want me to put my shirt back on.

Which is worse, waking up with naked with a pizza box on your junk or waking up naked next to the deliverer?

Did you ever think Snow White had a difficult time seeing eye to eye with the seven dwarfs?

I think the losing teams in the Little League World Series should be pressed into military service.  Let the Army make winners out of them.  Oh who am I kidding, I love watching afternoon baseball.  It gives me a chance to drink and stare at a wall for hours because wall staring is more enjoyable than watching baseball on TV…ok so that was pretty lame, about as lame as watching baseball on TV.  I’m just really trying to get people to drop me as their friend.  I’m convinced that every time I post I lose a person from my friends list.

I saw a headline on CNN that read: “Crack discovered in Washington monument”.  I thought that wasn’t a big deal because we all know there is a drug problem in D.C. and to see that one only has to watch 5 minutes of CSPAN.  Sadly the earthquake didn’t shake any sense into Congress.

There are people on Xanga who think they are so great that they are jealous of themselves.

Have you ever wondered how I can tolerate stupid questions?  Ask me anyway.

I’ve been imploring the Xanga team to not only bring Xanga to mobile phones but also CB radios.

If you come to Xanga to harass people you’ve never met, then you should close your account, go outside, and meet real people especially a therapist.

Did you know that Xanga is a social network and is supposed to be fun and not a form of competition or a form of validation?  Let’s keep that in mind.

Xanga, a place where being honest, having standards, and standing up against douchebags and hypocrites makes you out to be the asshole.

“Treat others with respect and love unless they have more friends than you and make the top blogs regularly, then fuck them raw.” –The Dali Lama if he was on Xanga.