I’ve been trying to figure out which is scarier: The Exorcist or farting and coughing at the same time.

I wanted to see The Smurfs movie but then I realized there were more little blue people in it than Casey Anthony’s pool.

The TV show Toddlers and Tiaras pretty much sums up why a lot of people are pro-choice.

A recent study found that 82% of Americans believe everything they read and the other 35% can’t read and then there are some who are just plain horrible at math.

A poll found that 46% of Americans think that the government is corrupt.  Just kidding, it was a 100%.

Part of the debt ceiling bill that was in hot debate was the changing of the national anthem to “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi.  I can't wait, whoa-oh-oh livin' on a prayer!

I was watching the X-Games and realized that if they were the X-Rated Games the event names wouldn’t have to be changed.

Kobe Bryant has been debating whether or not he wants to play basketball in Turkey next season.  He called up the U.S. embassy in Turkey to find out how strict the rape laws were.

If you have a job interview and notice there is nothing worth stealing then you don’t want to work there.

Once a day I imagine myself living in a hairy female only hairy commune and then I masturbate and then I resume being an upstanding member of society.

I may have been so drunk I’ve pissed myself and blacked out but I have never been so drunk that I’ve considered Dane Cook funny.

I make fun of people who wear Crocs but I’ve finally figured out one thing in this world worse than wearing Crocs.  It’s wearing Crocs and socks at the same time.

I really hate school bathroom stalls these days.  They took off the doors on the stalls to make sure people weren’t smoking and allow for the entire world to see you take a shit.

You know this whole debt ceiling thing has me thinking America is horribly racist.  You know how many times the debt ceiling was raised under other presidents?  It’s interesting that they don’t want to extend credit to a black guy.  Maybe the government could get a Capitol One card to rebuild it’s credit or maybe they could finance a mattress to help build up the credit report.  I’ve assumed this whole debt ceiling is like the time I wanted to buy a 30 pack of Natty’s Ice and it cost $15 and I only had $14 so instead of causing a ruckus I just saved a little money and bought the 18 pack.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I’ve found that the best question to ask on a first date to find out if the person is crazy or the right person to date me is “Why don’t you love me?”

The NFL is starting to remind me of pee-wee football because everyone is getting excited to see what new team they will be playing on this year.

The older I get, the less I understand women.  Maybe I should actually listen.

You know you have no shot at finding true love when ChristianMingle.com suggests you turn gay for the good of mankind.

Dressing up as Captain America makes the movie more entertaining, especially if you are watching Harry Potter.

Today I realized that I drive a tiny car to compensate for my large penis.

You know you have bad gas when you let one rip in your sleep and it wakes you up.

If I am on a computer and people are around me I will have three tabs open.  One will be for porn, the other will be Xanga, and the third will be a giant photo of Madeline Albright.  Guess which one I click if someone walks by and looks at my computer screen.

What I’ve learned from Xanga: men are women, women are men, everyone masturbates too much, abortion is evil so we display photos of fetuses, rape is bad even if it is consensual, drug use is high, and everyone is going to die very lonely.

Everyone on Xanga seems to say they “don’t give a fuck” yet they constantly remind us day in and day out so obviously some sort of fornication was given.

I went to Google and entered “What is the meaning of life”.  It told me “Get your ass off Xanga and get some air.”

Everyone on Xanga wishes they thought of your last post or pulse first.

If you have nothing nice to say then chances are you are on Xanga.

Xanga is the only place where having a mental illness seems to be advantageous.

If Xanga were a job, most of us would be filthy rich.

I'm pretty thankful I wrote a lot of these after my last motivation post.  I had a hell of a day.  I couldn't sleep last night for reasons unknown.  Maybe I was awake because I was trying to formulate the words I wanted to say but for some reason I can't bring myself to say.  I think I finally dozed off around 3 or 4.  I get a phone call at 7:30 from my aunt saying I needed to do work for her.  I got myself cleaned up and went over to her house.  I found out I had to run her errands and then take her to the beauty salon.  So I'm driving all over the place and then take her.  I'm starting to feel a little lightheaded and I just chalked it up to the heat and humidity.  After the beauty salon I had more errands to run and then I took my aunt home.  I notice that I'm feeling even more lightheaded and then I notice the brakes on my car have a lot of give.  I get home and I'm dizzy and I step out of my car and notice a little smoke coming from behind a tire.  I figure my brakes are shot and I need to get to the shop.  I walk over to the library which is across the street from my house to return some movies.  It's ice cold in there and I love it.  Then when I get outside I feel like I'm going to throw up.  I got inside my house and turned on the air conditioning.  I sat and relaxed.  Then I get a phone call from my aunt saying her home nurse was changing the dressing on her knee and said she had an infection and needed to go to the hospital immediately.  I feared driving her in my car so I said I'd come to her house and drive her minivan.  I now loathe minivans.  I am way too tall and fat to drive one.  She goes off to see a doctor and I'm lounging trying to give my mom directions to this hospital and trying to give her landmarks on how to get to the specific clinic portion of the building.  Well she gets there and the doctor has us come back and I'm feeling lightheaded and ready to upchuck.  They admit her to the hospital and I'm to go out to the van to get a bag.  I am out of my head so I do a jog/run type thing and it's like 9000F out.  I get in the hospital and I'm sweating profusely and then all of a sudden I stop sweating.  I look at everyone and just fall down.  They get me up and fan me and I regain consciousness.  They took me into a room to cool down, draw blood, and figure out what happened.  It turns out I am anemic again.  YES!  I was also extremely dehydrated.  They put me on an IV and give me Gatorade but I got bored and I snuck across the hall to use a public computer because I love Xanga so much.  After I drank up the IV they said I was released to my mom's care because she's some sort of hot shot nurse.  I just sat in my aunt's air conditioned room and recovered.  I finally decided it was time to come home.  I drop off her car and pick up mine and as I'm driving into my town I see all sorts of flashing lights on the edge of town.  A few weeks prior there were a lot of flashing lights n the same vicinity because of a large drug bust but this was different.  All the firetrucks were out and blocking the roads, there were at least 4 ambulances on a a bridge, and I swear every police officer in the county was parked there and there were dozens of people standing around the bridge.  I was thinking that maybe they feared that we were going to get a lot of rain.  I called my mom to tell her I made it home and I also told her about all the flashing lights on the bridge coming into town.  She said, "Yeah that's what I wanted to tell you."  Apparently a friend of my family killed his wife and himself after a car accident.  Details are sketchy but it turns out they were divorcing and there was a car accident and the guy killed his wife and himself.  It's so crazy.  Anyway, I can't sleep once again but what I'm doing differently is I'm drinking more water so don't worry about me.