The men of the United States are staging a lock-out of all women’s sports until they are all made into lingerie leagues.

The NFL set a record this week.  They went 4 consecutive hours without having a player arrested.

Dear America, we didn’t realize that fighting two wars and cutting taxes at the same time would make the deficit go up.  Sincerely, the Tea Party.

There is a 0% chance of a double dip recession at least until we get out of the current recession.

There is a media blackout in London concerning the riots.  The media is reporting that people are merely training for the 2012 Olympic Games.

There is a bill in Congress to change our national anthem to “Free Falling” by Tom Petty.  President Obama has also asked Congress to declare war on S&P.  By the way, who benefits most from the credit downgrade?  I think this means that America will have to get it’s dad, Great Britain, to cosign on all loans.

The U.S. is going to invest heavily in NASA so we can explore Mars.  We hopefully will find life on Mars that will be willing to loan us money.

The U.S. will now have to use national monuments as collateral for loans.

Cuba is undergoing economic reform which oddly enough is much easier than getting a Cuban cigar in America.

General Motors announced that it will start to pay members of the UAW based on performance.  They claim they got this idea from every other company in America.

A recent study found that the greatest sacrifice women make when having children is having a distorted vagina.

The disapproval rating of Congress is 82%.  That must mean that the 18% are the rich and dirt poor Tea Baggers.

A study was recently released that said the earth once had two moons.  Most scientists are criticizing the findings because it was theorized by two guys who got high while staring at the moon and listening to Pink Floyd.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

A recent study found that teenagers are buying fake IDs from foreign countries via the internet.  This is a sad day for America when even our fake IDs are bought overseas.

I wondered what happened to all the people who were praying for America to be saved from this financial crisis.  Maybe we should arrest them for treason.

The economy is so bad that Americans are emailing Nigerians saying they are wealthy American royalty and need money to claim inheritances.

I have proof that there is global warming.  My sweaty nut sack is stuck to my knee.

I proposed to my current girlfriend via a skywriter.  She said no but I did find a desperate lady with the same name who said yes after just meeting me.  She also told me the reason why everyone calls her Spitter is because she lost a bubblegum blowing contest in high school.

I went to a new church on Sunday and whenever you sat in the pew or moved around the cushions made fart noises.  I guess this means that God has a sense of humor and fart jokes please him.

If my math is correct, I will be able to retire 50 years after I die.

I say I’d like to get married one day but I also say I want to train my cats to drive me to and from the bar so don’t take me seriously.

Note to self: never hit on a waitress at Olive Garden because at Olive Garden you’re family.

My morning wood is my girlfriend’s morning wouldn’t.

I was grocery shopping this weekend and let out a massive fart in the produce aisle.  I walked away and then spied the people that walked into it and then I started singing “Linger” by The Cranberries by the cranberries.

I could use a hug and by hug I mean mouth hug.

There are two sides to every story except when they are told by a one dimensional Xangan.

Forget giving people IQ tests, just set them up on Xanga and wait to see what they have to say.

“Some things are best left unsaid”- the rule on Xanga that everyone fails to remember or practice.