I was asked to grade President Obama’s job performance. I gave him an AA+. The silver lining in our downgrade is gold. Obama was right when he said change would come to America because my 401K only has some spare change left in it. I have a question for the next GOP debate: if President Obama said that drinking strychnine was bad, how many of you would advocate drinking strychnine? If you said “Yes” here’s a glass of strychnine, get to work.
Colt McCoy has reached out to Brett Favre to ask Favre to be his mentor. Favre’s first bit of advice, “Get rid of all your cellphones.”
When I talk about watching The Office, a lot of people will say they are most like Jim or Pam but in truth most of us are like the drunken redhead.
I bet there’s a deleted scene in Toy Story where the kid strips his toys naked and pretends the dolls are having sex with each other. That is normal, right?
Substitute teachers are awesome except if you are homeschooled and your sub is your drunken uncle who insists on taking you to the VFW war museum.
I was at a hospital recently and they had Bibles in the waiting room. I opened it up and thought it was one of those red letter editions. Turns out someone just went through and marked it up with a red crayon.
15 minutes of exercise a day may add up to 3 years on to your life…minus all the time you spend exercising of course.
Underage smoking is at its lowest level since 1991. The only reason smoking has dropped off is because kids can’t afford cigarettes.
The iPhone 5 will debuted on September 7th and as of September 8th all people who have an iPhone 4 or lower will be considered a loser and people with iPhone 5s will be the new generation of pretentious assholes.
The sale of luxury items rose 19% last month but that’s only because gas is now considered a luxury item.
With all this talk about Los Angeles potentially getting an existing NFL team to relocate, why is no one asking why New York City doesn't have an NFL franchise?
A recent study says 83% of Americans who spend the day with their family crave an alcoholic drink by the end of the day and the other 17% are already drunk.
Studies show that teen pregnancy numbers drop significantly once girls are no longer teenagers.
The NFL has decided to stream all the preseason games online in HD. Now you can sit at home and watch fans leave after the 2nd quarter in high quality detail.
Have you ever thought that the Food Network spends more money on hair products than on food?
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
Ladies, when a guy tells you that he loves you it usually means “I’m horny” or “I really like that thing you do with your tongue.”
I was going to write a list of things I wanted to accomplish today but I couldn’t find the note pad. Not to self: buy paper.
Since when did the “E” on the gas gauge not mean “enough”?
Why do girls bother asking if guys want to have sex? Is it a trick question?
With all the years of constantly being criticized I can now eat an entire pizza without shedding a single tear.
I think I’m going to fall in love with the next girl who’ll have sex with me or give me a cake with my name on it. You know, whichever happens first.
The best part about having a big penis is that I can please women but the worst part is that I can’t wear tight jeans.
I was set up on a blind date. I called her on the phone and she said her idea of a perfect date was a hotwing eating contest. This may be the best night of my life or the worst night of my life.
I had a can of Milwaukee’s Best. I’d hate to imagine Milwaukee’s Worst.
Remember when America was a bastion of technological advancement and we produced some of the greatest innovations to mankind? Now all we produce are reality shows with Kardashians.
I was recently in Barnes and Noble and loved how they redid the sections although I feared going to the “Teen Angst” department.
Saving your virginity for someone special is like holding in a dump for a special toilet.
I don’t like hair on anything I eat. ANYTHING!
Ladies of Xanga, I am now wearing a pair of sweatpants, no shirt, and a snakeskin belt. Your sexual fantasies may commence in 3…2…1…
Awww…the Malaysian mafia blocked me on Xanga and Twitter. I’m so sad.
Xanga addiction is a lot like meth addiction just without the nasty scars.
Every time you recommend this post an angel gets its wings.
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