The only reason why people still buy CDs is because it’s impossible to snort lines of coke off mp3s.

Bert and Ernie have spent the past 30 years with a guy’s hand up their asses and just now we’ve asked if they are gay?

A scientist claims that biofuel can be made with the fat from alligators but the rest of the science community say this is just a croc.

Facebook has begun to allow prisoners to open accounts but in the relationship status they have to say “it’s complicated”.

I’ve often thought that if you put the government in charge of the Sahara desert within 5 years there would be a shortage of sand.

1 in 5 divorces are the result of 1 in 5 relationships on match.com

A recent study revealed that men with healthy sperm live longer.  Now if I could just get my sperm to eat right and exercise.

A few of my Born-Again friends told me they hope Tim Tebow is cut from the Broncos so they won’t have to pick him on their all Christian fantasy football team.  Christians are also meeting for trade discussions to trade Tebow to the Muslims.

Is it wrong to fantasize about gay men?  I’ve been fantasizing that a group of gay men take my girlfriend shopping so I can stay home and watch football.

If I spent as much time bench pressing and running in high school as I did making mix tapes, I wouldn’t be sleeping alone tonight.

Do you think if Rick Perry loses the GOP nomination or the presidency he’ll make Texas secede or will he go back to being the frontman for Journey?

My grandfather once told me that if you give a man to fish he’ll eat for one day but if you teach him to fish he’ll plan fishing trips with his buddies to get away from his wife’s incessant nagging.

Prostitutes put the “fee” in females.

I hate when I ask people about a movie and they tell me that the book was better.  Like I know how to read.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Mini-cheeseburgers or as jackasses call them, sliders, are about as enjoyable as ½ of a blowjob.

I think the first step of helping Libya establish democracy is deploying all the Kardashians there to show the Libyans what reality really is and then filming the next season of Jersey Shore there.

A recent survey revealed that 77% of the patrons at Pizza Hut want me to leave them alone and 64% want me to put my shirt back on.

Which is worse, waking up with naked with a pizza box on your junk or waking up naked next to the deliverer?

Did you ever think Snow White had a difficult time seeing eye to eye with the seven dwarfs?

I think the losing teams in the Little League World Series should be pressed into military service.  Let the Army make winners out of them.  Oh who am I kidding, I love watching afternoon baseball.  It gives me a chance to drink and stare at a wall for hours because wall staring is more enjoyable than watching baseball on TV…ok so that was pretty lame, about as lame as watching baseball on TV.  I’m just really trying to get people to drop me as their friend.  I’m convinced that every time I post I lose a person from my friends list.

I saw a headline on CNN that read: “Crack discovered in Washington monument”.  I thought that wasn’t a big deal because we all know there is a drug problem in D.C. and to see that one only has to watch 5 minutes of CSPAN.  Sadly the earthquake didn’t shake any sense into Congress.

There are people on Xanga who think they are so great that they are jealous of themselves.

Have you ever wondered how I can tolerate stupid questions?  Ask me anyway.

I’ve been imploring the Xanga team to not only bring Xanga to mobile phones but also CB radios.

If you come to Xanga to harass people you’ve never met, then you should close your account, go outside, and meet real people especially a therapist.

Did you know that Xanga is a social network and is supposed to be fun and not a form of competition or a form of validation?  Let’s keep that in mind.

Xanga, a place where being honest, having standards, and standing up against douchebags and hypocrites makes you out to be the asshole.

“Treat others with respect and love unless they have more friends than you and make the top blogs regularly, then fuck them raw.” –The Dali Lama if he was on Xanga.