I had so much to say but I really can't think straight because the damn Packers lost to the Browns.  I know it's only preseason but it's the fucking Browns.  I also can't think because there is a tractor pull going on outside my town.  It's about two miles away but the wind has carried the diesel fumes to my house.  It's so nauseating.

Tittens


Come at me, bread.

I still can't believe that in the two hours I leave the house those two lose their collars and tear my couch open.  At least tonight they didn't do anything and probably slept while I was gone.  No luck finding a couch but I did see one sitting outside on a driveway.  I'm tempted to go back and see if it's there later tonight and if it is I may just load it up.

It was cute at first but now it's getting to be a hassle.  Maybe the rage center of my brain is being affected by the diesel fumes.  Can we fix this?  Can we also fix the video transcoding?  Why does it take hours to transcode videos?

I went out fishing this evening.  It was so relaxing.  Because of the heat, I haven't had the desire to go out and sit in the blazing sun.  I loved watching a thunderstorm roll in through a valley across from the lake.  Sadly, we didn't get any rain.  After that I drove by this tractor pull going on in town.  I couldn't believe how many people were there...thousands.  I then went to the bar because a bartender told me that tonight was his last night so I had to go out and have one last drink.  I get home and I'm beat and as I walk into my living room I see one of my cats poke her head out from my couch.  In the time I was gone tonight they clawed a hole into the arm of my couch and must have messed around inside because I can't find their collars unless someone broke into my house and took my cats' collars.  They also clawed up a roll of toilet paper in my downstairs bathroom and my upstairs bathroom.  Maybe it's time to trade them in for newer models.  Looks like tomorrow I start couch shopping.  Oh well, coming back to Xanga really showed me some things.  I think I may do a purge and with everyone I delete I will block...maybe I got too much sun.  It's weird because I was fishing on a floating pier and sitting here at my computer I can feel my body bobbing like what it was on that pier.  That can't be normal.  Round-up

Here we see Vanessa Hudgens(right) with her 15 year old sister Stella.  If you were their father would you lock them up until they were 25 or do you get a conceal and carry permit and follow them around wherever they go?

I think Alan Greenspan had better watch out because Snooki will soon replace him as being the most knowledgeable person when it comes to the economy.  The Wall Street Journal recently asked Snooki about her thoughts on the economy.  WHY?  WHAT DOES THIS ORANGE BEAST'S OPINIONS ON THE ECONOMY MATTER?  Wait, maybe WSJ is trying to get kids interested in all things Wall Street.  I guess that's fitting since most teenagers who idolize Snooki ask their parents for monetary handouts just like Wall Street.  Anyway here's what Snooki had to say: "The economy is really scary because 2012 is coming. I feel like the first thing that’s going to happen… is a blackout and then everyone freaks out and the world goes crazy. So hopefully, Obama will take care [of the economy] before 2012."  Too bad she's not old enough, the GOP should get her to run because she probably has more credibility than the field of current candidates.  Watch out, Geitner, Snooki is coming for your job.

Sinead O'Connor finally came out of hiding.  Actually I don't know if she was hiding but she was definitely out of the spotlight for YEARS.  I think the last time I saw her was 1997 movie The Butcher Boy.  Maybe she is hiding because the Vatican assassins are still after her.  She gave a performance in Ireland this week.  Wow, she sure has changed.  She looks like that goth girl in my class who grew up to be a librarian.  I guess she had to give a performance because she can't afford shirts that cover her entire body.

Sam Ronson has finally said goodbye to Lindsay Lohan.  She was spotted at a tattoo parlor where she was discussing ideas to cover up the tattoo she got to commemorate her relationship with Lindsay on her hand.  Poor Lindsay!  She can't a career or a woman.  I'm thinking the reason why Sam is getting her hand tattoo covered up is because her current girlfriend doesn't want to be reminded of Lindsay every time they have sex. 

Speaking of Lindsay, she was caught by a paparazzo buying drugs.  Her mom claims that Lindsay was simply out buying crystals so she can use them for meditation.  Why does she need to buy them on a street corner and why are they in a small plastic bag?  I think it probably was crystal something or other.  It probably could be worse.  She could be out buying nuclear grade uranium or weaponized smallpox or people's personal information from Facebook which she in turn sells to telemarketers and spammers.

Lindsay Lohan's 17 year old sister, Ali, was recently signed by a talent agency for modeling.  An agency called NEXT issued this press release: "We are very excited to be representing Aliana Lohan. She represents the future face of fashion and will be a photographer's dream with her chameleon-like beauty.  In fashion, Ali will set herself apart as a bona fide icon.  One that fashion fans will follow not because of her famous last name, but because of the beautiful images and fashion trends she is helping create."  The future face of fashion?  Chameleon-like beauty?  Bona fide icon?  What the hell are they smoking?  Maybe that shit Lindsay was buying was slipped into the water supply of NEXT's offices.  And remember, that's Ali Lohan in the photo and not Gargamel from the recent Smurfs movie.  How much acid does NEXT think we'll take before we look at an Ali Lohan ad campaign?  Will NEXT send the acid to us or do we have to buy it?  I hear Lindsay has a few connections.  Is Ali modeling masks?  I have so many other questions because this is unbelievable.

I don't know why but this photo of Ryan Gosling feeding that baby is terrifying.  The baby is an actor in one of Ryan's upcoming movies so don't worry, he didn't buy it at some sort of hipster swapmeet...just look at that intensity.

Rebecca Black claimed that she is now homeschooled because of alleged bullying.  She explained how she was bullied: ""When I walk by they'll start singing 'Friday' in a really nasally voice ... Or, you know, they'll be like, 'Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?'"  Wait, that's bullying?  Those bullies are straight out of Disney channel.  Of course everything is bullying these days.  When I was teaching I remember a parent claimed that her son was being bullied because he got picked last for football.  She wouldn't listen to me when I said her son was uncoordinated and couldn't run or play at most of the other kid's level.  She also said he was bullied because one of the other kids in the classroom didn't talk to him.  She probably said I bullied him because I didn't give him As on all his assignments or because I didn't seat him in the back of the classroom.  What the fuck is wrong with people?  I guess she will miss out on the experience of high school but she can live it when she reads the comments on her music videos.  Seriously, did anyone on her end think of the reaction to her video?  They certainly couldn't have thought that everyone would love it. 

Reggie Bush is apparently not over Kim Kardashian and doesn't care that she's set to be married to Kris Humphries soon.  He has been texting her non-stop in the past few weeks.  Instead of texting, Reggie should be a man and go talk to her face to face at her wedding.  You know that part when the minister says, "If anyone objects speak now or hold your peace"?  Well there's where Reggie steps up and starts talking.  He's an NFL player.  It's not like anything can stop him.  Wait...I take that back, it's not like anything besides every defense in the NFL, the Heisman Trophy Trust committee, and Khloe Kardashian can stop him.  Shit...I hope people from E! aren't reading this.  They would definitely have a good plot twist for their "reality" show.  Well it's not like anyone is reading this so...yeah.

This is Kim Kardashian's 15 year old half sister Kendall Jenner.  She is friends with Justin Bieber, who was trying to set her up with his friend via Twitter.  Here's what Bieber tweeted: "Hey @Kendalljenner you should let my boy @iamjulkeyz take you on a date"  Here's how Kendall replied: "Only if you & @selenagomez join! #DoubleDate".  Just like a Kardashian.  Those attention whores only do something as long as there is something in it for them, namely publicity.  He could have asked her to go out on a date with a rock and she would have agreed as long as he and Selena Gomez came because the paparazzi follows them around and Kardashians have to be in front of the cameras even though they are famous for nothing.  If Kendall keeps this up, in a few years she'll be a bigger narcissist than any of her sisters.

Kate Gosslein told a magazine that she is ready to date again.  She said that having 8 kids makes it nearly impossible for her to date or find the right guy.  I'd say, any guy that would date her would have to be lobotomized, blind, and deaf...in other words, anyone serving in Congress.  More than likely Kate is just being tactful when she says "date".  She probably just wants to get laid but she's going to have to learn that she will have to pay for it like the rest of us regular folks.

People are saying that the reason why Jesse James and Kat Von D broke off their engagement is because he accused her of cheating on him.  Serves him right.  Anyway, one of Kat's former husbands told people that she has screwed over her friends by stealing their men and screwed over him by screwing anything with a dick and pulse.  Jesse thought that Kat was cheating on him with Bam Margera.  Given his relationship with Sandra Bullock, Jesse James being pissed off that she's cheating is laughable.  The reason why Jesse blew up is that people told him that after Ryan Dunn died, Bam showed up at Kat's house in L.A. and spent the night.  That is weird because you'd think that a couple who is engaged would be together.  No, Jesse lives in Texas and Kat is in L.A.  Also they were at a Soundgarden concert this summer and Jesse wanted to go backstage but Kat refused and someone whispered to Jesse the reason was was that Kat had slept with a few of the guys in the band.  Kat is sleeping with everybody.  Even though she comes off as a psycho who is hell bent on catching the clap, I say we give her a slow clap...the applause not the disease...because she made Jesse James hurt.

Kanye West has said a lot of shit but nothing tops what he said last weekend at a music festival in England.  He had this to say: "I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I'm fucking insane, like I'm Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did."  I think that is the opening paragraph of Kayne's new autobiography tentatively titled "Mein Cunt".  He then went on to say: "Michael Jordan changed so much in basketball, he took his power to make a difference. It's so much fucking going on in music right now and somebody has to make a fucking difference."  Historians take note, this is the first time any one person has compared themself to Hitler and Michael Jordan.  Kanye's magic mirror must be broken because it told him that he's like Hitler instead of telling him how to dress and questioning whether or not people still wear argyle sweaters with fur coats. 

If you are a lady and find yourself near Jeremy Irons, don't be surprised when he puts his hand on your butt.  He told a British radio station that women are too quick to say sexual harassment when a man puts his hand on their butts.  "It's gone too far. There are too many people in power with too little to do, so they churn out laws to justify their jobs.  I hope it's a rash that will wear itself out. If a man puts his hand on a woman's bottom, any woman worth her salt can deal with it. It's communication. Can't we be friendly?"  YES!  Politcal correctness has gone way too far!  God gave men hands to shake hands with other men to close business deals and to fix cars and play sports.  God gave women hands to cook, clean, change diapers and work that stripper pole.  Maybe Jeremy just likes to say "Hi" with his hands on women's butts.  I know I like to raise my hand in that fashion when I see people.  I can't help it; I'm German.  (Seriously does anyone read this because I consider that right there to be comedy gold) Ladies, let Jeremy say hi to you with a hand on your butt but then you say hi to his groin with your knee and maybe a little mace. 

This is Jani Lane, the former lead singer of the band Warrant.  Jani passed away today at the age of 47.  No cause of death has been released but people are saying that it may be complications from his long term battle with alcoholism.  He will be missed and you can remember him by watching this video, maybe the greatest contribution by Warrant to the music industry.

Hulk Hogan had a busy week.  First he turned 58 and then he went to an unveiling of his daughter Brooke's new ad for PETA.  That was busy because he had to act really creepy while at the event.  I'm sorry but that is his daughter.  Sometimes you just can't tell.  A photographer asked Hulk to take a photo with the ad and Hogan replied, "If you incest...I mean insist."  Maybe the Hulkster just likes it because he spent quite a lot of time inside a cage.  Hulk tried covering up the photo and said that if people wanted to see Brooke naked that they'd have to pay just like he did with her mother.  Hulk did tell people after he posed by himself with the ad that they are softer in real life.  So awkward.

Here's the actual ad.  Not bad.

George Lopez had his late night talk show canceled this week and his last show was this past Thursday as if any of you noticed.  Did you miss it?  I did as did most of America.  Lopez of course played the race card and said the reason the show was canceled was because he is Latino.  The only reason why his show was canceled is because being a late night talkshow host isn't in his DNA.  Sure he can be funny but he's not talkshow funny.  If there was any justice in the world, Leno would be canceled next. 

Singer Gavin DeGraw was in NYC this week walking the streets late at night when he was mugged by a group of people.  He then stumbled around for 13 blocks and was hit by a taxi while trying to cross a street.  He is currently in the hospital recovering.  He claims he wasn't robbed by the group who mugged him.  Maybe they didn't like newsboy hats or pop rock blue eyed soul.

Remember that 51 year old guy named Doug Hutchinson who married a 16 year old aspiring country star named Courtney Stodden?  Well they are trying to remain relevant but they are doing a poor job of it.  Gawker got a hold of an email exchange between Doug and a radio producer.  This is perfect for Courtney because she wants to be a country star and Doug probably doesn't want to come off as a pedophile so they could share their story with the world and she could pimp her music out on the airwaves.  The only problem is they want money.  I'm not going to print out all the emails but trust me they are funny.  Basically they said they wanted $3million to do an 8 to 9 minute interview and when the radio producer said that he didn't think he could afford that, Doug replied, "Too bad."  Of course once these emails went public, Doug claims his email account was hacked.  Man if the whole creeping out the world gig doesn't pan out they should become negotiators. 

Wow, Danny DeVito has started to embrace the silver and dye his hair at the same time.  I don't get why someone would dye their half their hair.  Wait, I know why he's doing this.  He's sick and tired of being mistaken for Snooki.

Bewitched is being remade once again.  This time it is for TV and CBS has ordered scripts be made.  No word yet as to who will be starring in that mess.  Bewitched doesn't need to be remade.  They need to bring back Small Wonder or Battle of the Network Stars or Wonder Woman...oops.  All I can remember from Bewitched was that the witch would twitch her nose like a coke addict.  Why must networks and movie studios feel it's necessary to mess with originals?

Aziz Ansari and Jesse Eisenberg's new movie, 30 Minutes or Less, is offensive to a particular group of people.  The group is the family and friends of a man who was killed under similar circumstances.  Back in 2003, a man named Brian Wells who was a pizza delivery man was forced to put a bomb around his neck and told to rob a bank.  He was killed in the process.  He claimed that he was kidnapped and forced to rob a bank in Pennsylvania.  Cops arrested him but backed away when they realized the bomb was real.  Federal prosecutors have said that Wells was in on the plot but thought that a fake bomb was going to be used.  Producers of the film claim they didn't know about this event.  Can I get a "yeah right"?  It's a tragedy but look at it this way, this may be the first ever buddy comedy with a white guy and an Indian.  This is great.  This is progress.  This is original!  I saw a red band trailer and that sold me.  I want to see it.  Last Friday, Aziz gave an impromptu comedy routine and had the audience ask him questions.  A woman got up and asked, "Why don't you have a red dot on your forehead?"  Ansari replied, "Why don't you have the word cunt tattooed on your forehead?"  He then went on to talk about how bad it was that there was still racism in the world.  He should just start a Xanga account.  The sad thing is that this ignorant fuck wasn't sitting in front of computer on Xanga but was out in public at a comedy club.  And these people are amongst us.

Arnold Scwarzenegger was spotted by TMZ wearing a shirt that had "I Survived Maria" printed on the back with the dates 2007-2010.  He then tactfully crossed out the 2007 and wrote in Sharpie 1997 which makes no sense since they were married in 1986.  Apparently people are saying that their divorce proceedings are very nasty and Arnold thinks he's going to get out of having to pay her a dime.  I hope this shirt costs him.

An insider on the new Batman movie said that the Catwoman character, played by Anne Hathaway, will be an abused  pickpocket and stripper.  My experience working in a strip club makes me say...so?  It seemed like a common occurrence to hear a guy complain about a girl stealing his wallet and then when confronted with it she would start crying and talk about how someone in her family abused her.  Anyway, this should be good because they are saying that her character will have the most development and she will supposedly make Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker look like a high school drama performance.  My only question is how does that outfit and vehicle have anything to do with her being Catwoman?

Alex Trebek put his gameshow career in Jeopardy...see what I did there?  Comedy gold, I tell you and people don't read it.  A few weeks ago I posted a story about how Trebek injured himself while chasing down a person he said stole from him.  The woman, Lucinda Moyers, claims she was in the hotel working as a prostitute and that she was on the same floor as Alex peddling her "goods".  Her lawyer claims Trebek's story doesn't add up because he has changed it from seeing her in the hallway to seeing her in his room.  I think Alex tried to buy a hooker off Craiglust (typo stays) and wasn't pleased with the person who showed up and he got in an argument and she was going to get paid one way or another.  If this story was a Daily Double, I would make it a true Daily Double in betting that he was buying a hooker.  And now Alex has learned that if you buy anything off Craigslust you do meet your purchase at a Starbucks in bright daylight so that way you know what you're getting yourself into and you can have witnesses see you.  It's too bad Lucinda faces a minimum sentence of 25 years because of the Three Strikes penalty in California.  I think she's won this round of Jeopardy because she respected the first rule of shenanigans: do not kiss and tell.

Looks like the paparazzi caught AnnaLynne McCord at an inappropriate moment after she and her boyfriend The Incredible Hulk finished a tender embrace.

This week while in concert Britney Spears jumped up on Pauly D's neck and started humping that mess.  I bet it sounded like a rubber spatula slapping a bowl of pudding.  I bet someone got a yeast infection.

Video Section:
The new Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises, had more footage released this week.  Maybe this is all a ruse and they aren't going to use any of the stuff that has been leaked and it's all to fool us into thinking this will be serious and then we go see the movie in the theaters and it turns out to be a campy movie like the last ones and the TV show. 

I just realized that one of my cousins turns 7 today.  He had a big 6th year on this planet.  Ummm let's see he started school and he was finally potty trained.  Way to go!
Have a great weekend.  I love how when I posted the Twitter messages that Xanga recognized those names as Xangans and not Twitter accounts.  Anyway, I'm done being emo here, time to block people.  Oh and I was going through Xanga ideas and people were clamoring for an -ish site devoted to gaming.  Remember The Hardest Level?

I really am despising Xanga right about now.  I'm just glad I'm not popular here and sit in my own little corner and do my thing but it sucks when fights flood my inbox.  Oh well, nothing I can do about stupidity or hypocrisy.  Maybe I actually do one of those friends list purges.  Hmmm maybe I say if you want to remain friends comment at the end of this post.  Anyway, my day was interesting.  I did work on the farm for a while this afternoon and then had to take my aunt to a doctor's appointment.  On the way home I was starting to smell quite rank and without air conditioning in the car I was getting worse.  Well I sped up so I could get home and into a shower.  Red and blue flashing lights.  "License and registration."  "Here you go." "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Yes, ma'am I mean officer.  I was speeding and I have no excuse other than I wanted to get home and shower because I was on the farm and I apologize for offending your nose because I'm sure you can smell me about right now and I'm sorry if I am talking really fast because I talk really fast when I'm nervous and I'm not nervous because I have anything to hide I'm just nervous because I don't get pulled over often."  "Well slow down.  I won't give you a ticket or warning this time but you have to promise to slow down." "Yes, ma'am I mean officer." "You are quite charming and don't smell that bad."  Miracles do happen.  Maybe she was a chubby chaser. 

1.  I like the 60s Spiderman meme.  I was joyed to know that there was one for G.I. Joe featuring Cobra Commander.  I just wish it would take off.

2.  This may be one of my favorite tumblrs.  It's called I Lost All the Money and it documents major fails on game shows.

3.  You know I've begun to think that hipsters are like vampires and if you surround yourself with things that hipsters hate then you will drive them away.  Vampires have garlic and here are things that hipsters hate.

4.  Since the police can't control the London rights, they have taken to the internet asking people to rat out the rioters.  Here is the site called Identify the London Rioters.  While I don't condone the rioting I also don't condone the police taking to the internet to have people do their work for them.  In a forum I've found that people have been more than helpful with police.

5.  So apparently someone got the idea that since some adult puppet show had two gay puppets get married that Sesame Street should have two closeted characters get married.  Here is an online petition for Bert and Ernie to get married.  The only bad part is Sesame Street has said that Bert and Ernie aren't gay so sign away because they won't get married.  See this is where people come up with that term "Gay Agenda".  Why can't they just leave them be?  THEY ARE FUCKING MUPPETS NOT HUMANS! 

6.  Newsweek caused quite a stir this week with their cover of Michelle Bachmann with "crazy eyes".  Well here's a collection of hot chicks who have Michelle Bachmann eyes.  I have the weirdest boner.

7.  Here is a collection of shoe failures.  I'm thankful that none of those come in my size...not that I'd buy any.

8.  Are you ready for football?  Well I am.  I'm ready for the NFL and college and also the EFLI.  You don't know the EFLI?  It's the Elite Football League of India.  They hired an advertising firm to help design the logos and uniforms.  I have to say I think I'm going to be a fan of the Goa Swarm or the Mumbai Gladiators or maybe even the Bhubaneswar Warhawks.

9.  I am ready for the NFL season.  I found this list of the best Green Bay Packers players' nicknames to be highly entertaining.  The Ginger Wolverine is going to tear through the league to help the Packers defend their Super Bowl title.

10.  I am ready for the NFL season...did I mention I like football?  Sometime during last season a new uniform for the Washington Redskins made it's way on to the internet and people were horrified.  In 2012, Nike is replacing Reebok as the league's official jersey supplier.  All these designs then came out there were supposedly going to be Nike's recommendations for new uniforms.  Well it turns out that they are fake.  They are still fun to look at so here are all the uniforms.  the worst: a toss-up between the Patriots and the Redskins and Vikings and Steelers.  The best: Green Bay of course with the Cardinals and Bengals a distant second and third.

11.  Recently I went to a friend's apartment and was appalled at how messy it was but then I found this collection of messy houses and realized his place was nothing compared to these.  That is like Hoarders.

12.  I have been looking at buying pepper plants for my garden next year because my plants this year didn't turn out so well.  I came across a website advertising a pepper called Chilli Willy.  I'm thinking if I planted this one the neighbors really would talk about me.

I was going to have a vlog here but I fell asleep this evening so enjoy these photos.

Sometimes, plumber crack can be very hot.

The Tea Party is set to release a sex tape involving the Statue of Liberty and Uncle Sam.  They are going to release it to help America find a new revenue source and expose America's declining morals.  You know America really could pull itself out of the hole if our elected officials put out more sex tapes.

Keep your friends close and your enemas closer.  The doctor's only concern with this is when the expiration date is.

Mein Führer?

It should have said "cats".  Have a good night.

Have you noticed that lately when you upload photos or go through your photo blog that it says "Image Not Available".  I'm getting that quite a bit.  Anyway here are the tattoos.


These tattoos are only relevant a few days a month.

I'm not loving it.

I think Da Fresh Prince needs to tattoo himself a bra.

The NFL season is set to kick off soon.  Hopefully this guy will see a removal specialist so he can get a worthy tattoo like the Packers' "G".

He had to have lost a bet.

This tattoo was this guy's attempt at getting a sponsorship from 5 Hour Energy.

It looks like this tattoo will never be irrelevant.

Way to advertise.  I bet the ladies just love you.

You know from a distance that looks like a decent mustache but up close.  If he ever gets a job I bet his boss will immediately ask about paycheck garnishments.

I bet whenever she gets a job she's always singled out for random drug testing.

What day is it?  THURSDAY THURSDAY THURSDAY THURSDAY!

Ok, there is something about getting Nintendo tattoos or other pop-culture tattoos.  This should not be one of them.  If I had to give this tattoo a title it would be: "Swinging on a Star".  WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then is that Toad filming it? 

This is the ever-popular 8-Ball and 4:20 tattoo.  This might be a good idea for a tattoo and this one looks good...for a 3 year old.  It looks like one of my younger cousins took a black marker and played connect the dots.  No t-shirt can cover that horrible art.  The 8-Ball looks a deflated basketball.  Why?  Can you imagine this guy getting pulled over by the police?  Probable cause to search the vehicle...the artist must have been celebrating 4:20 when he did this tattoo.

Chris "Corky" Burke...WHY???????  He hasn't been around since the mid-90s.  He does have a pretty nice myspace site, but he also has a very lame band.  His band plays at high schools around the country .  I think most of the high schoolers nowadays are too young to even know who this guy is.  Apparently someone knew Corky a little too much. 

Doesn't this one scream LOVE?

Psychoanalysis of this tattoo would be interesting.  I am trying and I can only come up with the idea that the guy who got this tattoo outwardly likes women but has a secret desire to be with a man. 

Now what would be awesome is if the tattoo of the flexed arm had a tattoo of a flexing arm.

Anatomy class will be a cinch for this guy...as long as he tattoos every other bone on his body.

Ironically, this is the beginning of a lifetime of regret and the end of this post.

I was looking through some of my old writings and every time I had something ready to go for Xanga I thought I better not post it.  I found something I wrote back in 2008 about my journey of belief and thought about sharing it but I think the whole "My road to such and such belief" has been overdone in the past couple of weeks plus I used it in my strange writing in which I wanted to talk about the time a crossdresser with the surname Christ popped into a store I was working and asked for a job application.  I think my strangest word doc that I was going to post was one word...Checkerman.  I haven't gotten around to writing out that story about Checkerman.  It's an odd one that's for sure.  I was also thinking of writing about the times I almost killed myself, not suicide, but from accidents but I think you've heard all of those.  I could write about how I am too lazy or addicted to Xanga to get up and change the lightbulbs in my overhead fixtures so I am sitting in the dark.  Well you're getting none of that.  You're going to look at these pictures and you will laugh and if you don't laugh then you have no heart.

Don't say you weren't warned.


I was just talking to someone about this the other day.  The only good thing about the white people coming here is they frequent our casinos.

Why couldn't they eat apples on Noah's ark?  Because everything came in pears.  I'm actually having a memory from Lutheran grade school.  I believe it was 3rd grade.  We were reviewing the previous Bible history lesson.  The teacher asked, "Who were Noah's three sons?"  No one raised their hands so she called on my friend Steve.  He said, "Shem...Japheth...and and and"  He sat there for a while and couldn't get the last one.  The teacher gave him a hint, "The third son's name is a type of meat."  Steve blurted out, "MEATLOAF!"

I'm single...just saying.

It's a hillbilly bluetooth.

I can't believe vegans and vegetarians would eat a living thing that has feelings.

People like that deserve to eat rocks, rocks that are thrown at them.

It is simply the best fucking omelette you will ever fucking eat.

Well...it was fun while it lasted.

What the hell happened?

This episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters W, T, and F

Believe it or not, he's the real Slim Shady.

The new season of Mythbusters has been pretty interesting.

They call me Dr. Enuf.  I got the cure you've been thinking uff.

America, this is your future.  How fucked are you?

The men of the United States are staging a lock-out of all women’s sports until they are all made into lingerie leagues.

The NFL set a record this week.  They went 4 consecutive hours without having a player arrested.

Dear America, we didn’t realize that fighting two wars and cutting taxes at the same time would make the deficit go up.  Sincerely, the Tea Party.

There is a 0% chance of a double dip recession at least until we get out of the current recession.

There is a media blackout in London concerning the riots.  The media is reporting that people are merely training for the 2012 Olympic Games.

There is a bill in Congress to change our national anthem to “Free Falling” by Tom Petty.  President Obama has also asked Congress to declare war on S&P.  By the way, who benefits most from the credit downgrade?  I think this means that America will have to get it’s dad, Great Britain, to cosign on all loans.

The U.S. is going to invest heavily in NASA so we can explore Mars.  We hopefully will find life on Mars that will be willing to loan us money.

The U.S. will now have to use national monuments as collateral for loans.

Cuba is undergoing economic reform which oddly enough is much easier than getting a Cuban cigar in America.

General Motors announced that it will start to pay members of the UAW based on performance.  They claim they got this idea from every other company in America.

A recent study found that the greatest sacrifice women make when having children is having a distorted vagina.

The disapproval rating of Congress is 82%.  That must mean that the 18% are the rich and dirt poor Tea Baggers.

A study was recently released that said the earth once had two moons.  Most scientists are criticizing the findings because it was theorized by two guys who got high while staring at the moon and listening to Pink Floyd.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

A recent study found that teenagers are buying fake IDs from foreign countries via the internet.  This is a sad day for America when even our fake IDs are bought overseas.

I wondered what happened to all the people who were praying for America to be saved from this financial crisis.  Maybe we should arrest them for treason.

The economy is so bad that Americans are emailing Nigerians saying they are wealthy American royalty and need money to claim inheritances.

I have proof that there is global warming.  My sweaty nut sack is stuck to my knee.

I proposed to my current girlfriend via a skywriter.  She said no but I did find a desperate lady with the same name who said yes after just meeting me.  She also told me the reason why everyone calls her Spitter is because she lost a bubblegum blowing contest in high school.

I went to a new church on Sunday and whenever you sat in the pew or moved around the cushions made fart noises.  I guess this means that God has a sense of humor and fart jokes please him.

If my math is correct, I will be able to retire 50 years after I die.

I say I’d like to get married one day but I also say I want to train my cats to drive me to and from the bar so don’t take me seriously.

Note to self: never hit on a waitress at Olive Garden because at Olive Garden you’re family.

My morning wood is my girlfriend’s morning wouldn’t.

I was grocery shopping this weekend and let out a massive fart in the produce aisle.  I walked away and then spied the people that walked into it and then I started singing “Linger” by The Cranberries by the cranberries.

I could use a hug and by hug I mean mouth hug.

There are two sides to every story except when they are told by a one dimensional Xangan.

Forget giving people IQ tests, just set them up on Xanga and wait to see what they have to say.

“Some things are best left unsaid”- the rule on Xanga that everyone fails to remember or practice.

I finished reading your previous assignment and was quite amazed at your answers.  I was surprised I didn't have more people saying they'd choose breadsticks.  I thought that people wouldn't admit to that.  Well, thanks for proving me wrong, class.  You all get an A+ because it's not often that I am surprised by Xanga.  If you are not pleased with this grade you can always ask how you can earn extra credit.

Here is this week's assignment:

Discuss the title of your movie, what your movie is about, who will star in it, and who will direct.

Make sure you follow this simple rubric.

Now get to work.

My movie would be called "Check the Stats".  It was the first ever screenplay I wrote way back when I was in high school.  The premise was that it was a coming of age story told from my perspective.  I had anticipated that it be a combination of "The Last American Virgin"/ "American Pie"/ "Meatballs"/ and a little "Caddyshack".
The title "Check the Stats" refers to a common saying of one of my teachers.  We tormented him during school.  He was a huge sports fan and whatever team he was cheering for, we would cheer for the opposition.  During the NBA playoffs he was cheering for Reggie Miller and the Indiana Pacers.  I brought up how I thought John Starks was amazing.  "That's horseshit, Matt!  Reggie Miller has been hitting ____% of his three pointers and ____% of his free throws.  John Starks ain't doin' that.  You can check the stats!"  Then there was another time: "Wow, Penn State has been awesome this year.  I think they should be national champions."  "That's horseshit, Matt!  Nebraska had a tougher schedule and Tommy Frazier is the greatest dual threat quarterback in NCAA football history.  You can check the stats!"

The cast:  Me: Chris Farley (we may need to reanimate him but I think his corpse probably looks as good as me but if his corpse is unavailable I'd settle for Zach Galifinackis)
                Heather: Melanie Lynskey
                Katie: Alicia Keys
                Steve: John Jurkovic or Casey Matthews
                African Dream: James McAvoy
                Hubble:  Jonah Hill
                Shampoo: Seth Green
                Mandy: Adrianne Curry
                Ninja: Eric Mabius
                Celebrity Chris: Sean Hayes
                Mr. S: Jeremy Piven

I would hire Todd Phillips or Judd Apatow as directors.

It happened a few years back when I was at the lowest point in my life.  I was living in New Mexico at the time and I was addicted to drugs.  I was using cocaine left and right.  I'd go from one drug house to the next snorting up round after round of cocaine.  One morning when I got home from a night doing line after line my wife confronted me.  She hated what had become of my life and I didn't really want to hear it but she kept yelling.  I showed her my 44 and she didn't stop.  I shot my wife.  I knew I had done wrong but I felt no remorse.  I did a few more lines of coke and then I left my house and wife and headed to Juarez, Mexico.
I didn't last too long in Juarez because I started jonesing for the white devil.  I was out of my mind and looking for coke and I didn't notice the police.  I was taken into custody and shipped back to America.  The sheriff came in and told me that I was going to rot in jail for the rest of my life.  I asked to see the arrest warrant and sure enough I was being charged with the murder of my wife.
When I got to court I said the reason why I killed my wife was because I was addicted to coke and my wife was cheating on me with 5 other men.  The case didn't last long and the verdict came back that I was guilty.  I begged the judge have mercy on my soul so instead of sending me to the electric chair he sentenced me to 95 years in the Folsom State Pen. 
While I was being transported to prison, a helicopter showed up and started firing on us.  The bus driver pulled over and the correction officers left the bus and opened fire on the helicopter.  The inmate I was chained to pulled me out of the bus.  All the officers were gunned down and I was pulled inside the helicopter.  We flew and flew.  I learned that the man I was chained to was lieutenant in the French mafia.  They dropped me off in Kansas City.  I was roaming the streets and needed to find a car.  I spotted a Hummer outside of a BBQ joint and I hotwired it and took off.
Now I needed to find clothes.  I was searching around inside the Hummer and I found a glock in a holster and a pair of aviator glasses.  I walked into a clothing shop and held it up.  I stole all the money and got a nice wardrobe.  I drove around and figured I needed a new set of wheels so I was driving around a residential section.  I found an unlocked car parked on the street but as I was getting in a cop passed by and saw me with the gun holstered around my waist.  He asked if I had a permit.  My heart started beating a million beats per minute.  I shouted, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" 
The cop squinted and said, "Sorry, sir, it won't happen again." 
"You better hope it doesn't."  I hopped in the car and sped away.
I drove to the airport and needed to distance myself from Kansas City.  I boarded a flight to Minneapolis and once we were in flight I decided to go to the bathroom.  While I was in there I heard a commotion coming from the cabin.  I thought for sure the air marshal had figured out who I was.  I opened the door and I couldn't believe my eyes.  There were snakes on the plane.  The French mob boss was trying to kill off some witnesses so he found out which plane they had boarded and filled a crate with poisonous snakes and the snakes were released via timer.  I ended up killing all the snakes and one of the stewardesses fell in love with me.
We settled in Minneapolis and one of her stewardess friends moved in with us.  I grew tired of my girlfriend and wanted to date her roommate.  My girlfriend didn't find me funny but her roommate laughed at all my jokes.  I get this bright idea how I can break up with my girlfriend and at the same time get her friend to fall for me.  I was talking with my girlfriend one night and her friend was in earshot.  I suggested that we have a menage e trois thinking that my girlfriend would hate me for making the suggest and her friend would think that I found her attractive and then would date me.  The weird thing is, my girlfriend wasn't disgusted and neither was her friend so we ended up sharing a bed and having a three-way dating dynamic.
One night when we were on one of our three-way dates, we were walking down town and a guy comes up to me and says, "Give me all your money."  I laughed and offered him my lighter.  He then pulled out a switchblade knife.  My girlfriends are telling me to cooperate and I say, "What for?"
"He's got a knife!"
So I replied, "That's not a knife."  I then pulled out my Bowie knife and said, "This is a knife."
The guy ran away and I got laid.
But things weren't all fun and games.  I was a bouncer at a nightclub and every Tuesday they had a techno night that was open to ages 18 and up.  The last few weeks there was this kid who showed up who was differently-abled.  We didn't think anything of it because he paid the cover and watched the people dance.  He would stand on the steps near the stage and would watch.  I would check on him every once in a while to see if everything was alright and get him some water.  Now this was a wild night because the girls wore next to nothing and everyone was basically dry humping on the dance floor.  All of a sudden we hear screaming.  I see the kid with his pants at his knees and he's fapping. As I cross the dance floor I see he is just finishing.  I tell him to pick up his pants and that he has to leave.  As I am escorting him out I am trying to hold back my laughter.  He looks at me, laughs and says, "IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!"
After I escorted him out I reported it to the boss.  I entered his office and noticed he looked upset.  I asked what was wrong and he told me that he thought his wife was cheating on him.  I asked if she had a myspace and he said that she did.  I said you can tell a lot from people based on their myspace.  Her profile pic is her standing next to a smoking hot girl.  I asked who she was.  My boss said it was his daughter.  He then fired me. 
I then decided that I needed to go home and come clean with my girlfriends and let them know I was cheating on them with a waitress at the club.  They kicked me out and as I was leaving they started to throw things at me.  They missed and the potted plant they threw at me hit one of their cars and busted the windshield. 
I drove in my car to my hometown.  I landed a job as a host in a restaurant.  I was seating a group of 12 people and handed them the menus.  I told them the specials and said that the soup of the day was a personal favorite and that it was to die for.  After I said that I noticed that everyone was wearing black.  They had just came from a funeral and I was out of a job.
I then landed a job working in a gift shop in a tourist town.  It was an easy job.  Customers handed me things and I told them how much they cost.  It was the easiest job I've ever had.  After a few weeks they gave me more responsibilities like being left alone in the store.  Well my first day by myself I was chilling and taking people's money and then there was a point where no one was in the store and then he walked in.
This guy with long scraggly hair, an unshaved face, pantyhose with unshaved legs and a immaculate white dress walks in and and asks for a job application.  I figured that since I've had my rough luck with jobs so I could help this guy out.  I handed him a job application.  He clears his throat and asks, "Son, can I have a pen?"  I handed him a pen and he walked to the end of the counter and started filling out the application.  People started walking in because they were amazed that there was this guy with scraggly hair, an unshaved face, pantyhouse with unshaved legs, and an immaculate white dress.  Finally he finished the application so he handed it to me.  I took a long look at it and said, "Thank you, sir, we'll be back to you as soon as possible.  By the way, how do you pronounce your last name?" 
"Christ...like the Lord."
"You are Christ?"
"I am."
"Well thanks, sir, we'll get back to you soon."
And with that, Christ walked into my life, filled out a job application and then left.  A teenager walked up to me and asked, "Dude, was that what I thought it was?"
"Yes, that was Christ."
"You mean that was a guy, right, and not a really ugly woman?"
"His name is Christ."
And the teenager left in awe.  I spent the rest of the night reeling and not knowing what to make of my encounter with Christ.  I had just found Christ and I decided I needed to tell others about my encounter.  I aksed my boss if we should hire Christ but she said no because Christ would be a distraction and the customers would just come in to see Christ and not buy anything.  I protested and said that Christ would be good for business but she said no because Christ wouldn't be a fit in our store.  I never got to work with Christ and I saw him once again that summer and this time he appeared to be pregnant.  I asked a friend if he knew Christ and he said that he did.  He informed me that Christ liked to crossdress and was now pretending to be pregnant and was stuffing pillows under his dresses.  That was the last time I saw or heard of Christ.  I think he left our area for good.  I need to find a better end to my story and in lieu of a proper ending here's a song:

*Insert joke about misleading title and inform readers that it is Caturday*
*Look at cats*

*Apologize for dickery, appeals for comments, and recommendations but not to the point that I plead that Xanga is the only source of income I have and need your comments and recs to feed my children...that shit has been overdone*

So with the news of a credit downgrade I'm thinking I need to move but I haven't settled on a country.  Anyway I have nothing to say so it's time for the round-up.

This is Tom Aldredge.  He is best known for playing Carmella's father on The Sopranos and playing the lead role in the stage production of On Golden Pond.  He passed away this week at the age of 83.  He had a lot of small roles but whenever I saw him in something I recognized him because of my obsession with The Sopranos.  He will be greatly missed.

Former NFL player and actor Bubba Smith passed away at the age of 66 this week.  His playing career is probably most memorable in that the fans would chant "Kill, Bubba, Kill" when he took the field.  He is probably best remembered for his role of Hightower in the Police Academy movies.  Bubba will be greatly missed.

This is Annette Charles.  She is best known for her role in Grease as Cha-Cha DiGregorio.  She passed away this week at the age of 63.  She had mostly TV roles and TV movie roles.  She wasn't a well known actress but her role in Grease will make her memorable.  I looked up what she did when she wasn't acting and apparently she was a speech professor.  I know I have explained how it seems like celebrity deaths occur in patterns of three and maybe I'm just stretching it a bit this week.

Bam Margera celebrated the life of his friend Ryan Dunn who passed away this summer by tattooing his image on his body.  I usually say that portraits are a no-no for tattoos but that one isn't too bad. 

I was really excited to see Selena Gomez this week.  Shut up.  It's been a long time for me and the slightest things set me off such as the first sight of female flesh.  Shut up!

Samantha Ronson was busted for DUI this week.  She was pulled over for speeding at 10:30 in the morning and the officers smelled something fishy, which isn't out of the ordinary for her, so they gave her a field sobriety test and she failed.  She was taken to the police station and given a breathalyzer and she was over the legal limit so Sam got booked.  She is pretty stupid because driving drunk goes against the entire drunk experience.  You get drunk to feel mellow and driving while drunk just stresses a person out...not that I know.  Another reason she is stupid is because in California when you get busted for DUI you have to take a mandatory alcohol awareness class.  Chances are she's going to end up sitting in the same class with her former lover Lindsay Lohan.  Her mugshot looks straight out of Faces of Meth.

Rihanna was spotted celebrating in Barbados this week.  It looks like she is having fun simulating anal sex on a tropical island.  America, we should put aside our differences with other nations, get drunk, and have anal sex with people of all nations.

If you were thinking that Octomom liked sex because she had a lot of kids, well you are dead wrong.  Apparently she'd rather get intimate with a needle instead of a guy.  In this magazine she talks about her first marriage and how she didn't have sex and doesn't like sex: "I can tell you that I never touched him physically. It was a different type of marriage.  That's all I want to say about it. I'm the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don't need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don't .. I have zero sexual interest.  And in the spirit of sharing more than you'd probably ever want to know. I've never even touched myself in that way. Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. It's like a trigger food. I never tried it so I don't know what I'm missing.  I couldn't even imagine kissing something. I'll be your friend but it would take at least five years for me to even consider having sex with you."  When I was in Lutheran high school and studied the Old Testament the teacher made a joke about Onan and said that most churches taught that masturbation is the "do it and die rule" because Onan rubbed it out.  The teacher said, "Come on, if that were the case then the only people on earth that wouldn't be struck down dead by God are probably a small enclave of nuns."  I guess he can add Octomom to the list.  I couldn't image that kind of life but of course I'm living it.

President Obama turned 50 this week.  What can you get a guy who runs the free world?  A good credit rating?  Legalized marijuana would be great.

This is a recent photo of Nicole Kidman.  I didn't recognize because the last time I saw her she was nothing more than a red-headed skeleton.  She's looking pretty good now and no, not because she's blonde but because it looks like she's put on some weight.

I'm a mark for the Batman movies and you can image the erection I had when I saw these photos from the set of the next Batman.  If you want to see more, click here and here and here.

Last week I wrote about how Morrissey took time to say that the massacre in Norway was equal to the animal holocaust caused by McDonald's and KFC.  Well people didn't take too kindly to his words so Morrissey took time to clarify what he meant: "The recent killings in Norway were horrific. As usual in such cases, the media give the killer exactly what he wants: worldwide fame. We aren't told the names of the people who were killed - almost as if they are not considered to be important enough, yet the media frenzy to turn the killer into a Jack The Ripper star is .... repulsive. He should be un-named, not photographed, and quietly led away. The comment I made onstage at Warsaw could be further explained this way: Millions of beings are routinely murdered every single day in order to fund profits for McDonalds and KFCruelty, but because these murders are protected by laws, we are asked to feel indifferent about the killings, and to not even dare question them. If you quite rightly feel horrified at the Norway killings, then it surely naturally follows that you feel horror at the murder of ANY innocent being. You cannot ignore animal suffering simply because animals 'are not us.'"  Basically he's say, "Why, yes, I am an idiot."   I was reminded last week that if Bono had said that he would be praised and given a Nobel prize which is sadly true.  I don't get why when Morrissey says it he's an idiot and when Bono says controversial things he becomes Irish Jesus.  Just so you know, I hate Bono.  Anyway, I think Bono and Morrissey should go gay for each other but there is no way they could be in the same room because no building on earth could house both of their massive egos.

Miley Cyrus sent this out via Twitter.  No, she's not showing the world that she needs nail cream but that she got an equal sign tattoo for marriage equality.  I have a feeling that Mickey Mouse is raging.  I don't think it's for marriage equality.  I think she's a closeted math fanatic.  If Miley really wanted to draw attention to gay marriage rights then she would have skipped the attention whore tattoo and got into a inflatable swimming pool filled with Jell-o and wrestled Taylor Swift and then they'd start ripping their clothes off and then they'd end up making out.  Oh they better make sure that the Jell-o is sugar free because no one is an advocate of fat rights.

Miley Cyrus was also spotted out enjoying the weather with her puppies.  Gosh, I love me some puppies.  They're so cute, big, fluffy, round, and feel like bags of sand.  I also see Miley is an advocate of smoker's rights.

Mel Gibson made the claim this week that he has been sober for 5 years.  He said the last time he drank was in 2006 after he was arrested for DUI and made the infamous "sugar tits" comments and his whole act was parodied on Law & Order.  You know this is sort of scary.  He wasn't drunk when he made all those phone calls to his exgirlfriend, the ones where he said she'd be raped by a pack of racial epithets.  He probably celebrated his sobriety by doing shots with his friends and I can just hear it now, "Hey, bartender, another round and this time don't be so Jewish with the tequila." 

Here's a little something for the ladies because I've been getting so many requests for more Larry King.  I hear that the reason he divorces so often is because he has a gigantic penis.  This is also why he can only have sex with women over 6ft 6in. tall.

Lady Gaga was interviewed by Rolling Stone and she opined about Amy Winehouse: "It really affected me quite deeply," she said. "Isn’t it strange to say ‘She is,’ and now I have to say ‘She was?’ I’m just really glad that we got to admire her and tell her how much we loved her when she was alive. I hope she knows now in Heaven, where she is, how much we all loved her.  But she was really the best of all the young artists that I met in the current scene in the last 10 or 15 years. She was really singing true jazz. It’s just too tragic. I wanted to talk to her and tell her that if she doesn’t stop she’s going to die. I wanted to talk her out of the drugs, but unfortunately I never had a chance to talk to her.  She’s really special. She just gave me a lot of hope and she deserved a lot better than what people gave her. And I hope that the world learns a lesson from this. I really hope they do. Because it’s not her lesson to learn – it’s the world’s."  See that there...she tried to help Amy.  A self-confessed drug addict was going to help another drug addict.  She tried to help her.  What, was she too busy gluing unicorn horns to her head and cutting off bat wings to glue to her face so she could use them as eyelashes?  Maybe she was trying to use Inception to get inside the mind of Madonna to see if there was anything else she could steal.  I'm just glad she found her way in front of a microphone to tell people how she felt about Amy Winehouse after Amy had died.  Lady Gaga is a true humanitarian and in true humanitarian fashion she's going to capitalize on the death of Amy Winehouse.  She has approached movie studios about playing Amy Winehouse in a movie about her tragic life.  I can't wait since Lady Gaga does such a good job acting like Madonna, David Bowie, Marilyn Manson, and Grace Jones on stage.  I bet she'll be a natural pretending to be Amy Winehouse.

I've defended the Kings of Leon when they battled the heterophobe creator of Glee, Ryan Murphy, but now I don't know if I can defend the Kings of Leon or should it be Queens.  Last weekend the lead singer quit in the middle of a show because he was too hot and needed to go have a drink.  So while ALL THE FANS STOOD THERE, he was carted off the stage.  The audience waited but the band never came back on.  Two members of the band came out and told the audience to hate the lead singer and not the rest of the band.  One of the band members sent this out via Twitter: "Dallas, I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. There are internal sicknesses & problems that have needed to be addressed. No words.  I love our fans so much. I know you guys aren't stupid. I can't lie. There are problems in our band bigger than not drinking enough Gatorade."  Well those bigger problems forced the band to cancel the rest of their tour.  They claim that the lead singer is suffering from vocal exhaustion.  So that's what they call being a douchebag these days?  Today's rockstars are pussies.  Iggy Pop has to be 80 years old and he's still performing and would perform in the middle of a volcano.  Heat...that's nothing to Iggy.

This was some shit sent out by E! to have people celebrate Kim Kardashian getting married.  The wedding will be a two night special on E! and will be nearly 4 hours long.  I have a feeling that the wedding special will be longer than the marriage itself.

You know, those Scientology rituals keep getting stranger and stranger.  I thought the barley water was bad, now it's barking at raccoons.

John Legend is quite noticeable.  It's almost like he's done that to his girlfriend Krissy Teigen before.  Gosh, I hope they don't participate in premarital sexual intercourse!

This is Jeremy Jackson.  He's come a long way since Baywatch and then being a meth addict and then Dr. Drew's phony rehab and then a steroid addict and then Dr. Drew's phony rehab for a second time and then thinking that plastic bottles cause bisexuality.  This is something for the ladies and to get you to stop drooling and to make you say "Awww" he did some stripping with Chippendales for charity...all together now...AWWWW.

Hugh Hefner tweeted this photo of himself doing the latest crazy, planking.  Wait a second.  Oh OK, he has a pulse.  Just checking.  I thought he was dead for a second.

SO we go from Hugh Hefner planking to someone he used to plank.  This week Holly Madison won the Beautiful Humanitarian Award from the North American Hairstyling Awards.  The awards show was held in Las Vegas.  Where else?  America, look closely.  Are you looking?  THIS IS WHY THE REST OF THE WORLD HATES US!

Helen Mirren, who is 66 years old, won Body of the Year from L.A. Fitness.  The second place vote getter was Elle MacPherson, who is 48 years old.  Were they polling retirement communities?  Where is Brooklyn Decker?  Where are the girls you can have sex with and not worry about breaking their hips?  Oh who am I kidding...fap fap fap.

People are claiming that George Clooney is now dating Stacy Keibler.  What is Stacy Keibler famous for (other than being the heiress to the Keebler cookie fortune)?  She was in the WWE and was on Dancing with the Stars.  It seems George is picking out someone with a lot of talent.  Others close to Clooney say this isn't a relationship but it's just for fun.  Stacy better not be thinking of marriage.  And if you click on that link, Joel McHale will have an orgasm.

A few weeks ago I reported how the National Enquirer released a story about how Chris Hansen was busted in a sting operation cheating on his wife.  Well this week another mistress stepped forward and said she was sad because she thought she was the only whore in Hansen's life.  This time the mistress is named Kathleen Collins who is a stripper/aspiring country singer.  You know, I wish that were my job title.  The National Enquirer has photos of the two embracing and kissing.  I'm upset with Hansen.  He made a living busting guys who wanted to have sex and now he's gotten caught twice cheating on his wife.  How can this guy hide in a pantry of a house to catch a pedophile but he can't successfully cheat on his wife?  The police should tackle him and take him to jail because he really does give cheating man-whores a bad name.

TMZ showed photos of the happiest family reunion ever.  Charlie Sheen and his estranged wife Brooke Mueller reunited last weekend briefly.  They said that they are going to take things slow.  I hope that means that they are going to gradually increase the amount of coke they snort.  The look of their faces is the same look of methed-up addicts who wander the Walmart parking lots looking to trade their children for cash, antifreeze and sudafed.  TMZ has also reported with photos that the first episode of the next season of Two and a Half Men will indeed be a funeral for Charlie Harper.  A lot of people will guest star and there will be a raunchy funeral and then Charlie's house will be put up for sale.  The episode will feature potential buyers coming to see the house such as real-life celebrities and stars from Men co-creator Chuck Lorre's other series, with Ashton Kutcher among them. However, he will not be the rightful owner of Charlie Harper's digs by the end of the premiere episode, with the storyline expected to be extended into Episode 2.  A year ago Charlie Sheen was the highest paid actor on the highest rated show on TV.  Then he did a bunch of drugs and moved in a bunch of whores to his house one of whom he tried to kill and he was fired.  He's untouchable much like a ghost and if there's anything I've learned from Ghost Hunters it's that you need nightvision goggles to see ghosts and ghosts don't have teeth so I guess Charlie Sheen is covered.  Looks like drug abuse does pay off.

Casey Anthony was spotted in Ohio this week.  Why am I reporting this?  Well it's just in case anyone from the Justice League or Avengers reads this blog.  Is it me or did she get implants?  Maybe she just bought a quality bra because those prison bras aren't that flattering. 

Video Section:
Taylor Swift covered an Eminem song in concert and believe it or not it wasn't that bad.

I hope everyone has a swell weekend.