It just keeps getting worse and stranger.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  I think I'll just stay home and watch The Sopranos so I can pick up the mafioso accent.  I really have nothing else to say here so go look at links.

7.  Here's a fun tumblr site for all of you that have tumblrs.  Maybe you can follow it and thank me and NOT LEAVE XANGA for a photo sharing site.  I post photos.  You can steal them here.  Anyway this tumblr is called The Burning House.  It's a collection of things people would take with them if their house caught fire.  Hmm I'm thinking this would make a fun homework assignment.

4.  Here's a fun little site called Animals Being Dicks.  It's not the sexual slang term for penis.  It's the slang term meaning jerk.

2.  When I watch hockey I can't help but think that there are a bunch of sociopaths on skates hitting each other with sticks.  I always wonder if the players were once kids or if they were created in some sort of dungeon in hell by Satan himself...not the Devil but Miroslav Satan...anyway here's a site of NHL players when they were kids.

1.  Here's a fun little site where you can find out how beautiful you are.  It's called AnaFace and they analyze your face and rate you on a scale of 1 to 10.  I am a solid 4.  Well now I know why I am single.

5.  Remember Etch-A-Sketch?  Well now you can create online creations with Etch-A-Sketch Online.

10.  Since I've spent a lot of time inside the past few days I've found games to play to occupy my time when I should actually be focusing on prep work for my Celebrity post but I've been playing the Traveler IQ Challenge. I could've embedded it but I doubt anyone would have played it.

8.  I really don't get the point of this site, monoface, but it's sort of like this old toy I had as a kid where I could change people's faces.

3.  Are you in the U.K. and looking to buy a car?  Well if you are try going to this nauseating site to find your car.  I seriously wonder if he's sold any cars online.

9.  The other day I went out to my car and found that someone had written "Wash me" in the dust on my back window.  I was thoroughly offended so I wrote under it "Give me the money".  I got to thinking about other things people draw in the dirt and I figured I didn't get a harsh treatment.  Here's a site of some awesome dirty window drawings.

11.  I know a few of you are talking about going off to college soon so I thought I'd share a collection of the College Freshmen meme.  #24 is spot-on especially working in a tourist town that caters to people from Illinois.  Everyone is from Chicago.  It's not as funny as when you as a person from Michigan where they are from in Michigan and they hold up there had and show you by pointing to a place on their palm.

6.   A lot of time when a primetime animated show is pitched, the pilot episode doesn't make the air because it is usually crudely animated and they will edit it to make it look better.  Here is a collection of some of those animated series pilot episodes.  It's amazing how much some of the characters changed from the pilot to debut.

12.  And in honor of the economy tanking, here's a real time U.S. debt clock.

Now look at pictures.

Football is back.  NFL, are you ready to be destroyed?

Well here are some more tattoos to make you think that the decisions you've made in life are much better than what other people have done.  I can't write today.  My fingers are slurring.  May be NSFW

Pretty in pink but not as a tattoo.

If you can't see it, it's penis.  I would feel very awkward if I ever was with a woman who had a penis tattoo.

Why would a guy have a penis tattoo?  Oh.  I think it's fitting since most Giants fans are insufferable dickheads.

Why did he get a horse tattooed on his leg?  Oh that's John Elway.  Ladies, how would you feel about staring at John Elway while you were giving mouth hugs?

Robot tattoos are awesome!

I think it's supposed to say "Regret Knowing" which makes sense since he doesn't know how to spell.

M.I.L.F.: Mother I'd Like to set on Fire.  At least we know she isn't a vampire.

I...just...don't...know...Cock of Ages?  Weird Al should make a parody song.

Well it looks like he's been hiding where the sun doesn't shine.

My cock is hung below my knee.

Cock tease...maybe the guy had to get that because he needed a scapegoat as to why he is forever alone.

Well, he has a big black cock.

I say, I say, son, you chocked me until I'm purple...a big fat purple hung cock.

OK, enough with the hung cocks.

One day this man will be CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

Never has a team like the Brewers had so much Hart....That's Corey Hart. 

Fact: this may be the greatest tattoo of all time.  The only things that could make it better are bears, beets, and Battlestar Galactica.

I always knew Pooh Bear was evil.  Join the darkside and you can have all the honey you want.

I have seen a lot of creepy tattoos and body modifications over the years but I think this one has got to be one of the most extreme.  A few years ago this guy got a tattoo of a busty woman on his arm but that wasn't enough.  He went to a plastic surgeon to get silicon implants not for his chest but for his tattoo's chest.  Yes, he wanted a 3D and...umm...interactive(?) tattoo.  I don't know whether to classify this as crap or creative.

Well that didn't last long because the guy who had the implants for his tattoo had to have them removed because they got infected.  When will people learn?

Have a great day.  Did you know it's a federal offense to read this and NOT leave e-props?

So I spent my day like I was supposed to...relaxing in front of fans.  I didn't turn on the AC because I figured it needed a rest.  Today was also great because I didn't have any familial duties.  I know you are supposed to honor your parents and family but sometimes they get to be a tad demanding like today, my dad calls and asks me to do his laundry.  My answer?  "Fuck no."  Oh it felt good to say that.  What was even better was hearing him yell "why" as I hung up.  I'll probably catch hell later but screw it, he's pretty much the reason I've been wearing myself ragged.  Ever since his surgery and heart scare he hasn't lifted a finger.  He's not supposed to lift anything over 25lbs but I think he thinks it says 2.5lbs.  Anyway I think tomorrow I'm going to do more of the same...absolutely nothing.  Maybe I'll catch up on vidja games.  Maybe I'll read a book...nah, I don't want to do something nerdy.  I need to shed that image.  Oh who am I kidding?  I'll just end up on Xanga making grandiose statements of delusion.

This is why people say teachers shouldn't have collective bargaining rights and this is also why teachers need collective bargaining rights...I'm trying to figure out what "Jailie" is.  Jelly?

It's pretty hot out there.

So do they think dogs can read or do their urinals also function as bubblers?  If you don't know what a bubbler is, get on my level.

Those sure are some well lubricated socks.

Bob Ross is bad-ass.

Speaking of Ross...I saw this at a garage sale.  I'm thinking of putting it out for the 2012 election just to confuse people.  I may also stick out my John Kerry signs.

And you're complaining because?

Finally some originality coming from Lady Xerox.

SWM searching for a discreet threesome with lettuce and tomato.

Well, what else are parks for?

These guys were tailgating before the most recent Green Bay Packers shareholders meeting.  That's devotion people and just another reason why more NFL teams need to be publicly owned.

That meme will never die.

That is a tough choice.

Why are my eyes getting all wet?

Al Gore is pleased with how I use the internet.
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I have a few ideas for posts and I ran them by my dad a few days ago and he was thoroughly offended so I know they'll go over well on Xanga.

I’ve been trying to figure out which is scarier: The Exorcist or farting and coughing at the same time.

I wanted to see The Smurfs movie but then I realized there were more little blue people in it than Casey Anthony’s pool.

The TV show Toddlers and Tiaras pretty much sums up why a lot of people are pro-choice.

A recent study found that 82% of Americans believe everything they read and the other 35% can’t read and then there are some who are just plain horrible at math.

A poll found that 46% of Americans think that the government is corrupt.  Just kidding, it was a 100%.

Part of the debt ceiling bill that was in hot debate was the changing of the national anthem to “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi.  I can't wait, whoa-oh-oh livin' on a prayer!

I was watching the X-Games and realized that if they were the X-Rated Games the event names wouldn’t have to be changed.

Kobe Bryant has been debating whether or not he wants to play basketball in Turkey next season.  He called up the U.S. embassy in Turkey to find out how strict the rape laws were.

If you have a job interview and notice there is nothing worth stealing then you don’t want to work there.

Once a day I imagine myself living in a hairy female only hairy commune and then I masturbate and then I resume being an upstanding member of society.

I may have been so drunk I’ve pissed myself and blacked out but I have never been so drunk that I’ve considered Dane Cook funny.

I make fun of people who wear Crocs but I’ve finally figured out one thing in this world worse than wearing Crocs.  It’s wearing Crocs and socks at the same time.

I really hate school bathroom stalls these days.  They took off the doors on the stalls to make sure people weren’t smoking and allow for the entire world to see you take a shit.

You know this whole debt ceiling thing has me thinking America is horribly racist.  You know how many times the debt ceiling was raised under other presidents?  It’s interesting that they don’t want to extend credit to a black guy.  Maybe the government could get a Capitol One card to rebuild it’s credit or maybe they could finance a mattress to help build up the credit report.  I’ve assumed this whole debt ceiling is like the time I wanted to buy a 30 pack of Natty’s Ice and it cost $15 and I only had $14 so instead of causing a ruckus I just saved a little money and bought the 18 pack.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I’ve found that the best question to ask on a first date to find out if the person is crazy or the right person to date me is “Why don’t you love me?”

The NFL is starting to remind me of pee-wee football because everyone is getting excited to see what new team they will be playing on this year.

The older I get, the less I understand women.  Maybe I should actually listen.

You know you have no shot at finding true love when ChristianMingle.com suggests you turn gay for the good of mankind.

Dressing up as Captain America makes the movie more entertaining, especially if you are watching Harry Potter.

Today I realized that I drive a tiny car to compensate for my large penis.

You know you have bad gas when you let one rip in your sleep and it wakes you up.

If I am on a computer and people are around me I will have three tabs open.  One will be for porn, the other will be Xanga, and the third will be a giant photo of Madeline Albright.  Guess which one I click if someone walks by and looks at my computer screen.

What I’ve learned from Xanga: men are women, women are men, everyone masturbates too much, abortion is evil so we display photos of fetuses, rape is bad even if it is consensual, drug use is high, and everyone is going to die very lonely.

Everyone on Xanga seems to say they “don’t give a fuck” yet they constantly remind us day in and day out so obviously some sort of fornication was given.

I went to Google and entered “What is the meaning of life”.  It told me “Get your ass off Xanga and get some air.”

Everyone on Xanga wishes they thought of your last post or pulse first.

If you have nothing nice to say then chances are you are on Xanga.

Xanga is the only place where having a mental illness seems to be advantageous.

If Xanga were a job, most of us would be filthy rich.

I'm pretty thankful I wrote a lot of these after my last motivation post.  I had a hell of a day.  I couldn't sleep last night for reasons unknown.  Maybe I was awake because I was trying to formulate the words I wanted to say but for some reason I can't bring myself to say.  I think I finally dozed off around 3 or 4.  I get a phone call at 7:30 from my aunt saying I needed to do work for her.  I got myself cleaned up and went over to her house.  I found out I had to run her errands and then take her to the beauty salon.  So I'm driving all over the place and then take her.  I'm starting to feel a little lightheaded and I just chalked it up to the heat and humidity.  After the beauty salon I had more errands to run and then I took my aunt home.  I notice that I'm feeling even more lightheaded and then I notice the brakes on my car have a lot of give.  I get home and I'm dizzy and I step out of my car and notice a little smoke coming from behind a tire.  I figure my brakes are shot and I need to get to the shop.  I walk over to the library which is across the street from my house to return some movies.  It's ice cold in there and I love it.  Then when I get outside I feel like I'm going to throw up.  I got inside my house and turned on the air conditioning.  I sat and relaxed.  Then I get a phone call from my aunt saying her home nurse was changing the dressing on her knee and said she had an infection and needed to go to the hospital immediately.  I feared driving her in my car so I said I'd come to her house and drive her minivan.  I now loathe minivans.  I am way too tall and fat to drive one.  She goes off to see a doctor and I'm lounging trying to give my mom directions to this hospital and trying to give her landmarks on how to get to the specific clinic portion of the building.  Well she gets there and the doctor has us come back and I'm feeling lightheaded and ready to upchuck.  They admit her to the hospital and I'm to go out to the van to get a bag.  I am out of my head so I do a jog/run type thing and it's like 9000F out.  I get in the hospital and I'm sweating profusely and then all of a sudden I stop sweating.  I look at everyone and just fall down.  They get me up and fan me and I regain consciousness.  They took me into a room to cool down, draw blood, and figure out what happened.  It turns out I am anemic again.  YES!  I was also extremely dehydrated.  They put me on an IV and give me Gatorade but I got bored and I snuck across the hall to use a public computer because I love Xanga so much.  After I drank up the IV they said I was released to my mom's care because she's some sort of hot shot nurse.  I just sat in my aunt's air conditioned room and recovered.  I finally decided it was time to come home.  I drop off her car and pick up mine and as I'm driving into my town I see all sorts of flashing lights on the edge of town.  A few weeks prior there were a lot of flashing lights n the same vicinity because of a large drug bust but this was different.  All the firetrucks were out and blocking the roads, there were at least 4 ambulances on a a bridge, and I swear every police officer in the county was parked there and there were dozens of people standing around the bridge.  I was thinking that maybe they feared that we were going to get a lot of rain.  I called my mom to tell her I made it home and I also told her about all the flashing lights on the bridge coming into town.  She said, "Yeah that's what I wanted to tell you."  Apparently a friend of my family killed his wife and himself after a car accident.  Details are sketchy but it turns out they were divorcing and there was a car accident and the guy killed his wife and himself.  It's so crazy.  Anyway, I can't sleep once again but what I'm doing differently is I'm drinking more water so don't worry about me.

Well class, I really enjoyed reading your answers on the previous assignment.  I think that assignment helped me get to know about you better and yes I realize that some of you have cleavage.  It has been duly noted.  Thank you for giving me a small glimpse into your lives and I hope you took time to get to know a little bit about me.  You get an A+.  If you are not pleased with this grade you can always ask how you can earn extra credit.

Here is this week's assignment:

If you can't read the asterisk, it says, "You are not allowed to sell or give them to other people."

So your question is, which do you select and why did you make that selection?  I can not stress enough that in order for you to get credit on this assignment you must include the "why".

Now get to work.

*my answer* I would pick breadsticks because 48 hours isn't enough.

-I want to wake up next to you in the morning and slightly cringe at your morning breath as you crawl over and tell me how much you love me.

-I want to go shopping with you and take the blame when you fart in the store.

-I want to walk with you under the moonlight and then carry you after you step in a hole and sprain your ankle.

-I want to sit at a dinner table and tell you that your cooking is good and to prove it I will have a second helping even though your cooking is terrible.

-I want you to express yourself even though you are wrong and I can prove it.

-I want to love you regardless of your outfit.  I don’t care if you wear that nice red lace thing or those things with the stripes.  As long as you are in them then I am happy.

-I want to drive you places and even though you talk and I pretend to listen I’m not listening.  I just want to get you to the destination safely.

-I want you to promise that you will never make me ask for directions.  I love to drive and all roads lead somewhere.  We might just find a cozy bed and breakfast instead of your co-worker’s baby shower.

-I want to go shopping with you and hold your bags because I could really use the workout but only if you use your money.

-I want you to tell me that I screwed up and of course I will remind you that you’re a screw up because you love a screw up.

-I want you to be able to see me at my worst.  I don’t want you to talk to me through the bathroom door.  Just come in and ask what needs asking.  This is why I have air spray on the toilet tank.

-I want you to never ask if I find your sister or co-worker attractive.  If I did, I would dump you and date them. 

-I want you to not feel the necessity to spackle on pounds of make-up just to see me.  A little goes a long way plus natural is an underrated look.

-I want you to know that you can have sex with me any time you want.  You don’t need to ask unless it involves my rear exit…then you have to ask.

-I want you to watch sports with me.  Your questions are cute and I appreciate them but once you start yelling about how I need to do something productive with my time then I shut down.  I will dump you if you try to make me pick you or the Packers.

-I want you to not feel discouraged if you catch me masturbating.  It’s practice for the big game.  You should give me pointers or lend a hand.

-I want you to hold hands with me but not all the time.  There is a time and place and when I’m trying to figure out which oil I need to put in my car it’s not the right time to hold hands.

-I want you to fake orgasms all the time.  When I fix something or do some chore, just fake an orgasm.  It makes me feel accomplished and if I think it’s pleasing to you then I will be more willing to do chores.

-I want to spoon with you and drive my beer belly into the small of your back.

-I want to wear a top-hat for you.

-I want you to know that I will lie to you to make you feel good.  When you’re throwing up and pale with a red stuffy nose I will tell you that you are beautiful but it’s because I love you and want you to feel better.

-I want you to listen to my crackpot ideas.  I truly believe that sex can help remove splinters.

-I want you to ask me if that outfit makes you look fat.  The answer is yes but I will love you none the less.

-I want you to lie on top of me so I can watch you rise and fall with my beer gut as I inhale and exhale.

-I want to take you out and buy you a corn dog, ice cream cone, or one of those frozen bananas dipped in chocolate and then I want to stare deep into your eyes as you eat.  Maybe we could also get one of your girlfriends to join us and you and her could eat the same food item while I stare or maybe she could eat a large slice of watermelon while you eat the ice cream cone or better yet you could eat the watermelon while she eats the ice cream cone.

-I want to be able to tell you how I feel but I never will because I have no self-confidence and am a chicken.

-I just want to be happy like everyone else.