I can't sleep.  It seems the more I work on apples and stuff around the house, I see so much more that needs work and it weighs on me and even though I am exhausted I can't sleep.  I have canned about 17 quarts of applesauce so far and 16 pints of spiced pickled apples.  Tonight I am trying to make some apple butter although I didn't add my secret hallucinogenic ingredients.  I also have been dehydrating apples for chips.  tomorrow I have more to pick.  After this week I will never want to see another apple in my life or at least until I get hungry for one.  Link time.

1.  A while back there was a milk advertising campaign that capitalized on the study that said drinking milk would lessen the effects of PMS.  Well here are some of those ads.

2.  Many summers ago I had a job in a tourist town as a manager of a video game arcade.  It was such an awesome job but my workers made it so stressful.  I had the trailer park king who worked only half the time because of child custody battles, the Vietnam war vet who had flashbacks during work, the teenager with acne right out of The Simpsons, the Latvian DJ, the teenage drug dealer, and then there was the pinball king.  This guy would play pinball in the joint all the time.  It got to the point where he wouldn't listen when I told him he couldn't play and then I went to the owner and he told me to fire him.  I didn't get around to it because he quit because I didn't give him time off.  If I did it would've meant that I would've had to work for the rest of the summer without a day off, which I did because he quit.  Oh it was awesome...well anyway, here's a collection of classic pinball machines.  I had a South Park machine and a Harley Davidson machine.  So much fun.

3.  One of the things I've disliked about advances in home theater technology is with every advancement, George Lucas fucks around with Star Wars.  Well he just released the Star Wars movies on Blu Ray and here are some of the changes.  You would've thought he'd take out the incest.

4.  I found this article about how a Buffalo Bills fan took exception to an article written by a female reporter asking if the Bills really demanded respect after starting the season 2-0.  Well here are some of the things that were said by the Bills fan.  Now...who do I know on Xanga that's a Bills fan?

5.  I forgot to post this last week but I was reminded once again that this week is/was Banned Books week.  Go to the mapping section to look at where banning has taken place near you.

6.  People ask where I find funny photos...here's one place.

7.  I was just talking about flipping the bird tonight and then I got thinking about other rude hand gestures.  Here are some for anyone considering world travel.

8.  I think I found a scratching pad for my cats instead of the carpet on the steps to my upstairs.

9.  This is a fun website.  It's a collection of songs people want played at their funeral accompanied with the youtube video of the song.  That may be a good homework assignment.

10.  I enjoy cheeseburgers.  Lately I've been in a rut and haven't made any special ones...the perks of living in Wisconsin is that I get to try so many different kinds of cheese.  Well here is a collection of some odd cheeseburgers.  One of the best burgers I ever had was when I was driving through Indiana and this placed had burgers with peanut butter.  So good.  My last concoction was a bruscetta burger.  It was an italian seasoned burger stuffed with bruscetta seasoned cheese. 

11.  I love when websites outside of Xanga link to my page.  Here's a page that discovered my tattoo posts.

12.  A former student once gave me a book he found at a library used book sale.  He originally bought it because the library that sold it was near Little House on the Prairie and the book had a mark from the library in my hometown in Wisconsin.  The book was about space travel.  It was written in the late 50s/early 60s and they made all these predictions.  I remember it said that by 1980 we'd be living in colonies in space.  Well here are some other predictions for the future much like that.  #9 intrigues me but then I refuse to wear contacts.

13.  If you didn't get a chance, here is Questions with My Cock, Terrible Tattoos, and my Tumblr.

Commas are very important.

Speaking of grammar...I found this on a former student's facebook.  I failed as an English teacher.

When people come over to my house I like to yell, "OH SHIT, IT'S THE COPS!"  And people will start running out.  It's gets them every time.

Yeah...that is a fail.  That's why I like to go to a meat locker where I watch them cut the meat for me.

I wonder how much tickets cost to see Hugh Sale.   I hear he's quite the performer.

They really do grow up so fast these days.

And I completely forgot about Halloween and Charlie Sheen...this year Halloween won't be #winning.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to do this because I was having too much "fun" figuring out this Tumblr thing.  I decided to start one because I wanted to keep the name and I got it.  Yay me.

MAN THE HARPOONS!  THAR BE A WHALE!  Actually I think that is on a dude near his butt...nevermind, put your harpoons back unless you're into that sort of thing.

He thought it would give him a lifetime discount.  It only certified he was a douche.

I love my famlee two.

Here's Johnny.

OK I would get an ALF tattoo just as long as it would guarantee Willy wouldn't proposition me to get money for crack.

The only person who looked for the rabbit was a proctologist.  Remember, guys, have your rabbit holes examined.  Prostate cancer is a bitch.

Well I bet she's popular.  I guess we have to use the abilities God gives us.

Yeah my cock is bursting at the seams too.  He just wants you to ask him questions.

Another set of eyes to tell me that I am inadequate in the bedroom.

Never...EVER...get a portrait.

Ah...misogyny.  But is it misogyny if it's on a woman?

Poor little piggy.

Somehow I wouldn't like to see her if she advertises that she is a meat market.

I have a feeling that this is a Jimmy Buffett tribute tattoo.  I hate Jimmy Buffett.

Not a bad tattoo per se but I wonder how many people can name all the characters.

Live long and prosper...I have a feeling he hasn't done much prospering and that's why he has all the beads because that's the only way he can see naked ladies.

Who even remembers Garbage Pail Kids?

I wouldn't mind that one although my tattoo's boob would be very saggy.  I hate manboobs.

Apparently he thinks he's a pirate.

I will never forget...especially since I use those to tape The Office.

For those of you who are new to these parts, I used to do a regular post featuring me answering questions alongside my cock, my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.

GOGB: Cocky, we haven't been on Xanga together for some time.  How was your time off?
Cocky: You should be asking how was my time getting off.
GOGB: Umm...no.
Cocky:  Oh it was so exciting.  I finally tricked out my car.

GOGB: Did you do anything else?
Cocky: I played some hockey.

GOGB: Well that sounds pretty exciting.  How did you do?
Cocky: Well I got it in the crease quite a few times.
GOGB: How did I know that's where that was headed?
Cocky: Well you know me, I get my stick headed downtown all the time.

Cocky: LIES!  LIES!  That particular pussy was just into playing rough.
GOGB: Yeah, that's what they all say.  Cocky, I have grown tired of stroking your ego.
Cocky: Huh...my ego wasn't what you were stroking last night while you were on the internet crying.
GOGB: Well that's depressing.
Cocky: Christ, the only thing that got depressed at your house was the computer chair being depressed from your ass cheeks.
GOGB: Anyway...We started writing these two years ago and I see so many people make the "cock" joke.
Cocky:  OH and I suppose you're going to take credit for it?  Sort of like the person on Xanga who took credit for inventing the interview?
GOGB: No, but I've grown tired of not getting on the front page.
Cocky: Oh God, Xanga envy.
GOGB: No it's just that you see posts that get there where the person put absolutely no effort into the post but for some reason it makes it to the top.
Cocky: Maybe you need to quit being a little bitch, grow a pair of balls, and kiss some ass by making friends.
GOGB: But that would sell out my ideals.
Cocky: This coming from a guy who masturbates to music videos on MTV Jams.
GOGB: Anyway...Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
GOGB: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

Rooster Booster is an energy drink that is chock full of Vitamin C, B6, B12, and Niacin.  Add that to caffeine and taurine, it will boost you into high gear!  CHUG THE ROOSTER! Available at Super America or check your local convenience store for the greatest energy drink to be discovered by a chicken farmer in Iowa.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a bit of a bind.  I need money ASAP.  Do you have any tips on how to get some fast cash?
                                         Needy in Neenah
GOGB: Well one thing I have learned that when you are desperate it is nearly impossible to make quick cash.  If the bind is overwhelming you may want to find your nearest casino and play roulette.  There are a variety of ways to play and quickly learned strategies but if you do play, you have to learn when to quit.
Cocky: Don't listen to him!  He plays the easy game and doesn't have the balls to play the numbers.  He plays the colors.  He puts $5 on black or red and sure it doubles his money but it takes forever.
GOGB: Cocky, it's the safest bet in a casino and has the greatest chance of victory.  Need I remind you that I have only lost one time when I played roulette.
Cocky: That's because you chicken out and quit after you win 5 or 6 spins.
GOGB: Maybe I should tell him to find his nearest game of chicken roulette.
Cocky: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER MENTION THAT!
GOGB: Did I?  Many of you probably haven't heard of how I met Cocky.  I rescued him.  He was being used in a game of chicken roulette behind a barn that was converted into a bar.  Why don't you tell them how it was played?
Cocky:  They put me in a 10ft by 10ft pen.  The floor was divided into squares with numbers painted on.  People placed bets as to which square my poop would land.  It was the lowest point of my life.  Sure I was fed a lot of great chili but I never saw one cent.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood.  My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first.  I am having trouble inserting tampons.  What should I do?
                                           Despondent in Dover
GOGB: Uh....I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem.  I have no clue about the workings of said devices.  What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school.  While I was teaching I was faced with this problem.  I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered "cool".  Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
Cocky: Get a plumber's helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Where is your favorite place to hang out?
                                         Hipster in Hillsboro
GOGB: Well I do like the comfort of my own personal home but I do like to go to the library, the forest on my family's farm, a bluff overlooking the Mississippi, and a lake in my hometown.
Cocky: Christ...the library?  Are you serious?  You may as well've said "I have no life and can't get laid to save my soul."
GOGB:  There are lovely ladies at the library.
Cocky: By lovely you mean 80.
GOGB: Answer the question.  Where is your favorite place to hang out?
Cocky: My zipper.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job.  Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
                                         Hard-worker in Hortonville
GOGB: I wouldn't advise making wave in your first days on the job.  If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved.  You are working hard and she is working sub-par.  Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
Cocky:  The way I see it, if she isn't hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, "Bitch, get your ass to work."  If that doesn't work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired.  Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, "Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me."  If that doesn't work, throat punches for everyone.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have become weary of the state of Xanga.  I mean all that people seem to talk about is racism, abortion, or evolution.  The worst part of all the arguing is that they are all saying the same things and they agree with each other in theory but for the sake of argument they disagree.  What is your take in all of this?
                                         Beleaguered in Beaver Dam
GOGB: Well I have been a silent observer.  It seems that no matter which side you take, you get attacked even though you are against racism.  I have had experiences with racism.
Cocky: Experiences, man...because I am a colorful character, I've had people say I look like parrots.  That is blatant avianism.
GOGB: I am so sorry you had to experience that.
Cocky:  It makes me feel so abused.
GOGB: How about that time when I was called the n-word.  That lady walked into the store where I was working and asked me, "N-word, where can I find a toothbrush that says Wisconsin Dells?"  I felt weird.  Then there was the time at Blockbuster where I was reading the back of a DVD case and a guy came up to me and said, "Oh snap!  N-word that movie will scare the shit out of you!" 
Cocky:  They called you a derogatory name for another race?
GOGB: Yes and then there was the time I was at a chain restaurant/bar with a guy from my church and we were talking about deer hunting.  I said that because of my health I hadn't been able to go out and all I could do was shine.  I went on about shining.  Then one man stood and got in my face and asked, "Who you calling a shine, cracker?" 
Cocky: So your alleged intolerance was answered with ignorance?  Bravo!
GOGB: I guess what I am saying is that no Xangan is going to cure society's ills unless Fred Durst returns to Xanga, then it may happen.  Promotion and awareness are great but name-calling to make your argument is not warranted.  My greatest piece of advice is not to click the link. 

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How would you go about picking lotto numbers?
                                    Lotto Lover in Luck
GOGB: Well the lottery isn’t something I play.  I do play scratch-offs occasionally but the big games aren’t for me.  It’s nice that some money goes to school districts but that is miniscule.  I would say just do a random guess. 
Cocky : You go up to the nearest old lady, punch her in the throat, steal her purse, and then use her social security card to select your numbers.

Dear Cocky,
were you ever considered for the role of Rooster Cogburn in the re-make of True Grit? Because I think you would have been a natural for that part, especially the drinking scenes.
                  Melfamy
Cocky: Well you know something, they hired me as a consultant.  The Cohen brothers didn't want to put me on camera because I was too gritty and they feared that my performance would make John Wayne look like he was acting in a middle school play.  Oh and if you didn't know the name Cogburn was derived from my family name.
GOGB: Really?
Cocky: REALLY?  Yes, of course it was.  They wanted to Americanize the name McCockburns.  Also they thought my surname sounded a little dirty and ethnic-y.
GOGB: Well that makes me question the whole naming process because we have a sponsor named Cockburn's Port.
Cocky: Same family...when they arrived that Portugal's version of Ellis Island they made them drop the Mc.
GOGB:  I wish they would have done that with the fine Scottish restaurant called McDonald's.
Cocky: Just get rid of the entire chain?
GOGB: Yes, it is deplorable with the working conditions and health care.
Cocky: But where would you take your dates?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I've been interested in anal sex for some time but I just don't know how to bring it up with my girlfriend.  What do you guys think is the best way I should talk to my girlfriend about trying anal sex?
                                         Butt Love in Butler
GOGB:  I think the easiest way is just be direct about it.  Don't go leaving hints around the place because it can always be taken a different direction.  Let her control things and only try it when she is ready.  If she doesn't like it then stop.
Cocky:  Well the first thing you should do is focus on getting a girlfriend.

GOGB: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

  And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
GOGB: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
GOGB: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky : Wrong!  I'm a cock.

Seriously, if you want these, leave questions below or at the places mentioned above.

I’ll let you occupy Wall Street.  I’ll take State Street.

Do you have trouble getting your children’s attention?  Well just sit down and act relaxed and that should do the trick.

Yesterday marked the anniversary of Johnny Appleseed, the only man in the world to toss more seed around than Wilt Chamberlain.

Toys R Us announced that they plan to hire 40,000 workers for the holiday season.  These positions will all be security to make sure people don’t shoplift because this economy is shit and kids don’t understand it and want more and more and more.

The King of Saudi Arabia announced this week that women now have the right to vote but he didn’t say who the women were required to vote for.

McDonald’s and KFC announced they will allow unions at their restaurants in China.  Workers now expect salaries to soar to 65 cents day.

I think people would like going to church if there was more Bowie in the hymnals.

Mike Modano signed a contract with the Dallas Stars for $999,999 to make his #9 jersey and so he could retire as a Star.  The Minnesota Vikings got wind of this and offered Donovan McNabb $5 to retire to match his jersey number and playing ability.  The Minnesota Vikings are like the Jenna Jameson of the NFL, they have terrible outfits and know how to suck.

Laying around on Saturday and Sunday is the closest I’ll ever come to playing college and professional football.

Pick-up line sure to fail: My herpes are in remission.

People in the GOP are wanting Governor Christie to run.  He might have a heart attack if he does run.  Oh wait…run for president.

They say that best place to be during a zombie apocalypse is the site of where it originated.  In the event of a zombie apocalypse, you’ll find me at Walmart.

I knew my girlfriend was the one after I saw her yawn.

You really have to hand it to blind hookers.

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away unless you forget to wear a condom and then you’ll have to see the doctor repeatedly for 18 years.

Have you ever had your last beer of the night actually be your first beer of the morning?

I have never sipped a beer in my life.  I’ve chugged, slammed, drank, and occasional thrown in my face.  BUT NEVER SIPPED!

I hear McDonald’s is bringing back their Monopoly game.  It looks like I’ll have a 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize or obesity or type 2 diabetes or explosive diarrhea.

I love a girl with junk in the trunk but not in the Casey Anthony meaning of the word junk.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Frank Caliendo is supposedly known for his impersonations.  I wish he would learn how to impersonate a comedian.

Native American strip clubs never took off because strippers actually did make it rain.

Nothing says “I have no friends” like a 13 year old girl playing hangman with herself on the sidewalk in front of the library.

I’m old and the proof is I make a rotary phone motion when I tell someone to call me.

In my recent driver’s license photo I’m crying because this way the police will believe me when I say I’m speeding to get home to make self-deprecating jokes on the internet.

I like my chicken like I like my women: big breasts, meaty thighs, and covered in BBQ sauce.  I also think women are like the lottery because when they give me the right 7 digits, I think I’ve hit the jackpot.

Girls, remember when your parents told you not to spit because it’s not ladylike?  It still applies.

If I had a nickel for every time I said, “if I had a nickel,” then I’d have 10 cents for this post.

I may be having surgery so my doctor insisted I shave my pubes.  Why do you need to shave there for knee surgery?

I figure I’ll stick around Xanga for quite some time because it gives me an elevated sense of self.  Let’s just say I’m more popular than Jesus…Jones.

Complaining about the new Facebook on Xanga is sort of like complaining about your current girlfriend to your ex.

I wanted to change my Xanga password to “penis” but they said it was too short.

#I #don’t #undertand #the #purpose #of #hashtags #on #Xanga.  #Do #you #?

Like sands through the hourglass so Xanga wastes our time.

I googled “What is the meaning of life”.  It said, “Get off Xanga, asshole.”

A study found that most adolescents who are addicted to the internet are more likely to engage in self-injurious behavior such as joining Xanga.

95% of you need to get off Xanga and get back to work…right after you leave eprops.

Xanga is the leading cause of reminding people why they lost touch with reality in the first place.

A recent study found that there is indeed no cure for stupid.  They spent months observing Xanga.

If your life is so miserable that all you live for is Xanga, do us a favor and seek therapy and quit spreading your poison here.

It’s no longer cool to type “that is all” at the end of posts so that is all.

Class, I read your last assignment and was quite pleased.  You gave me a lot of ideas for my intro songs and well I shared a few so go check those out if you are interested.  Because you did a good job...A+

Here's your next assignment:

Make it good.  Get to work.

Class, I read your last assignment and appreciated your answers.  I forgot to do the assignment myself so here goes: I would get some wiener schnitzel, spaetzle, a pizza I had this evening called the Dr. Denny or Breakfast Pizza.  It had a cheese sauce and then topped with eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, and American cheese and then it was drizzled with maple syrup.  For dessert I would love a sour cream and raisin pie and I would wash it all down with Hawaiian punch.  Class, you get an A+.

Here's your next assignment:

So what is your song?  You have two options: give me the song and why you picked it or give me the song and a link to a youtube video.

Get to work.

My entrance songs:
I love this song and it just gets me moving.

This song puts me at ease and when I'm at ease I'm more focused.

I think this one would be for psych-ops.

I think this one would be a killer entrance and would be excellent for a video like they do in the pro-wrestling.

More psych-ops.

Es ist meines Deutsches Kultur

Thanks for participating!

Well today was quite fun.  I was planning on going to Oktoberfest but I didn't make it because I think I'm coming down with something.  I've had a fever for the past two days but other than a fever I feel pretty decent.  I get a call from my dad saying he wants to go to this discount grocery located in the country, basically in the middle of nowhere.  He hated my aunt's directions...if you go by the teepee in the cornfield and the elephant trunk rock then you've gone too far...so I had to take him.  He kept screwing around and basically we got there 5 minutes before it closed.  I got some good deals.  Actually great deals.  Afterward he wanted to eat at Pizza Hut...I hate that place but I was quiet.  An anorexic girl told me that she felt as fat as I am.  Yeah that made my day.  Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.  I guess it's to be thinspo for other people.  Fuck.  Well I got home and laid around trying to figure out why I have this fever.  Now I'm on Xanga and I really wonder why.  Time for the round-up.

Earlier this week there was a Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen and of course Steve-O had to be a jackass.  He ran into Mike Tyson's fist.  Watch the video.  This is the aftermath.  And remember, Steve-O is completely sober.

The last time I wrote about Sinead O'Connor it was about how she was looking for sex.  Now she took to Twitter and was asking followers for different advice.  Here are her tweets: "Had to go psychiatrist for routine renew prescription etc. She says I'm a bad mum and mental for talking so openly about sex in public."  "So now I wish suicide wud kill me."  "I fucking hate Ireland so much."  "All this shit we're not supposed to say. Including suicidal feelings, sex, etc. U just get treated like a crazy person. I want to go"  "To heaven SO bad. Have for yrs. But I don't wanna abandon my kids. But if I cud die without them knowing I did it myself I wud."  "An I know every1 will say I'm a cunt for saying that.. But fuck all this shit we're 'not supposed to say'. I'm so tired. 24 yrs"  "Of being treated like a crazy person. Can't manage any more. Badly wish cud die without it ruining my kids lives."  Because talking about that on Twitter will get you a visit from the police, Sinead was visited by the police and had to talk to a mental health professional.  She took to her blog a few days later to clarify.  I won't print it all because you can go here.  Tweeting for suicide advice is the shit I'd expect from 12 year old emo wannabes who can't get over the fact that Justin Bieber is dating Selena Gomez and just discovered The Cure.  She can't kill herself.  The world needs more women fighting for their right to have buttsex.  Maybe she is crazy.  I suppose all celebrities who tweet about killing themselves to stay relevant are crazy. 

The band R.E.M. called it quits this week.  So I guess that means they will tour once again if a big bag of money is waved in front of their faces or if they are offered a mentorship on American Idol.  Basically, they'll be back performing in 5 years.  In case you missed the tweets...I was crushed with eyeliner when I heard this news and thought that it was the end of the world as I knew it because it was such a bad day.  The news of their retirement isn't going to make for Shiny happy people.  And as @garistotle reminded me, Everybody hurts when they hear about the news of their favorite band breaking up and he felt that he was losing his religion.  @Xplorrn told me that he was dealing with their retirement by gardening at night.  Personally, I began the begin and did some nightswimming and I beat up Dan Rather.  I just have to stand and be strong and hope that I get to see them in the great beyond.  And how did Michael Stipe mourn the loss of his band?  He posted nude pics of himself on Tumblr.  Maybe Xanga isn't a bad place afterall.

Pippa Middleton was at some fashion show this week and people got an eyeful.  People claim that you can see Pippa's vagina but you can't.  There's some thin underwear in there.  Thighs have a weird way of making you think you're looking at a vagina but you aren't.  Oh well, I'd bow down to her and show her my royal scepter and insert cunnilingus comment here.

Paris Hilton did something responsible this week.  She finished all her community service for that cocaine possession charge and she also paid off her fine.  What's next...she'll use condoms?  Paris seems more mature.  What's come over her...besides the entire offensive line of USC?  Maybe she's just thinking that if she screws up again she'll be behind bars like Lindsay Lohan.  Wow, Lohan as a postergirl to keep people out of jail.  I think she has a new calling in life.

Earlier this week a man posted a sale on eBay with a photo claiming that Nicolas Cage is a vampire.  Here's what the entry says: "Original c.1870 carte de visite showing a man who looks exactly like Nick Cage. Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host. This is not a trick photo of any kind and has not been manipulated in Photoshop or any other graphics program. It’s an original photo of a man who lived in Bristol, TN sometime around the Civil War. I’ve had a lot of questions asking where I purchased this. As followers of my website know, I collect antique memorial photography — images of dead people — from the 1800s. This photo was found in the very back of album that contained an unusual number of Civil War era death portraits (which is why I purchased it). All of the other people in the album, living and dead, were identified by name — this man was not. Photographer is Professor G.B. Smith. A contact of mine forwarded this interesting article (link) about the photographer, Smith. Turns out he was a confederate Civil War prisoner of war photographer. Guaranteed to be an original 1860s-70s photograph and not a modern reproduction, copy or photo manipulation."  So this guy makes valid points and then he admits he runs a website where he and followers collect photos of dead people from the 1800s.  Now that you have stopped reading...HOLY SHIT THAT LOOKS LIKE NIC CAGE!  I never knew vampires needed hair plugs.  According to movies, vampires sparkle.  That guy isn't sparkling and he's wearing a bowtie.  You can't sparkle, pout and listen to The Cure in the back of your mom's minivan if you wear a bowtie.  Try it, it's impossible.

If this is what Dancing with the Stars is all about then I will never watch it again.  I am getting sicker.

A new photo of Miley Cyrus was "leaked" this week.  I say "leaked" because it totally looks like an outtake shot from a photoshoot but then I'm just looking a gift horse in the crotch...damn.  Anyway, enjoy the leaked photo of Miley because leaked photos totally aren't airbrushed or professionally shot and the person in the photo doesn't milk the internet for attention by putting out pseudo sexual photos.

This is Margaret Pellegrini.  She turned 88 this week.  Why did she make the round-up?  Well she is the last surviving Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz.  I really don't know why I included this.  Probably because I liked watching her dance to Dark Side of the Moon and I didn't know it was her.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is promoting a movie called Hysteria.  The movie is about the world's first vibrator.  She claims that while she she was filming it in London many sex shops got wind of the movie and they started sending her vibrators.  She said she started lending them out to her friends.  Do they make vibrator sanitizer?  I don't think Maggie's friends would be willing to admit they are friends with her after her comments about sharing vibrators.  Is two girls sharing a vibrator the equivalent of the time I became a blood brother with a friend? 

Last week I wrote about how Lindsay threw a glass and someone got hurt.  Well that person is now threatening pressing charges.  Come on, you knew this would happen.  A famous person hurts you of course you'll sue, it's the American way.  Too bad the person she's threatening doesn't have a pot to piss in.  About the only thing she could collect is a slightly used sex toy.  Because of that incident Lindsay has become poison.  She went to a party thrown by fashion designer Marc Jacobs and sat in a booth next to Dakota Fanning but security guards found Lindsay and told her she was not welcome and they escorted her out of the event.  If Lindsay isn't able to use her celebrity status to get into trendy parties what is she going to do with herself every day?  It's a fact that people who don't work, squander money, and are despised by the public don't last in Hollywood because most of them are in Washington D.C.  This week Lindsay was spotted making out with Vikram Chatwal, a millionaire hotel owner.  She confronted his wife by saying, "You're his wife?"  Of course Lindsay didn't know any better because she's been living in Chatwal's house.  His family is worried that she is bad for Vikram.  Hell, Lindsay is bad for Lindsay.  Lindsay soon will have to appear before the court to show how many hours of community service she has completed.  She was ordered to do 380 hours at a women's shelter.  She has done 60 hours.  She was also ordered to do 100 hours at the L.A. County morgue.  She has done 0 hours.  Lindsay Lohan is ass-fucking Lady Justice without lube.  Lindsay doesn't seem concerned because she says she has a year to complete it.  She should follow Paris Hilton's lead.  Did I just type that?  What's the judge going to do, throw her in jail?  That's a laugh because look at her jailtime last time.  I can't believe going to bars doesn't count as community service.  Let's break it down...bars serve vodka and vodka costs money and generates taxes and taxes go to schools.  It's funny how now one mentions that Lindsay is helping school children with her drinking.  I think people are just jealous of how pretty she is.  Yeah, that's the ticket.

Lady Gaga took to writing some shit this week about bullying.  She wants it made illegal because it's a hate crime.  Hmmm I have always wondered but isn't bullying survival of the fittest?  Anyway, will bullying be illegal for all people and not just certain ones.  Like if someone says I'm retarded because I hold Christian beliefs will they be held accountable and imprisoned?  I've seen that plenty of times on Xanga.  In fact I bet people would construe this post as a form of bullying.  I think what she's doing in trying to work on bullying is commendable because bullying contributes nothing to society and only serves make outcast and enemies out of good kids.  You cannot ban bullying. You literally cannot. Bullying isn’t just an action; it’s an idea, and unfortunately, a rather vague one, and you can’t legislate away ideas. What does and does not constitute bullying is pretty grey area, and unfortunately, being a complete ass is protected by the first amendment. The price we pay for saying and hearing what we want is that assholes get the same treatment. If, however, those words push someone over the edge then yes, they will have to face legal recourse for their actions, but banning them from saying those words won’t kill the idea and the feelings behind them. If you really want to keep kids from bullying each other, teach them that it’s okay to be different and that it’s not okay to gang-up on a defenseless kid because they hate themselves.

To promote Moneyball, Jonah Hill threw out the first pitch at an Oakland A's game this week.  Remember when he was fat?  I actually think most people look better after they lose weight.  I probably would. He doesn't look better.  Jonah looks like he's dying of something.  Here's video footage of him throwing out the pitch.  I'm fairly certain that I could throw a better pitch but then I played baseball and didn't make millions for playing a whiny fat dude in movies.

Hey, look, Heidi Montag rose from the grave this week to celebrate her birthday.  Oh wow, she looks...yeah...because we all know that women who have significant amounts of plastic surgery on their faces age gracefully i.e. Joan Rivers.  By 2036, Heidi will look pretty swank.

Madame Tussaud's unveiled a wax statue of Fergie this week.  I'm thinking it's not normal that the wax statue looks less waxy than the actual human being.  Wow, that statue is pretty hot and I can't believe I said that.  Oh these Celebrity Round-Up posts make me sink each week to a new low.  One of these weeks I'll just do a vlog of me reading Penthouse Letters and I'll replace the names with celebrity names.

Elvira turned 60s this week and I still don't know her real name.  I suppose I could look it up on the old Google but BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS!

Elin Nordegren must be over Tiger Woods, sick of his money, or she's bled him dry of his money because she is marrying a millionaire named Jamie Dingman.  I have been getting the feeling that she can't achieve orgasm unless she is looking at an ATM receipt.  I also wonder if Tiger is off the hook for child support and alimony.  I've never had to worry about that.  I guess I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never marry a Swedish swimsuit model or be so filthy rich that I have to worry about alimony.  I'm just thinspo for anorexic girls.

Denis Richards turned down $100,000 to appear on the season premiere of Two and a Half Men as one of the ex's of the character Charlie.  She also is Charlie Sheen's ex-wife.  She claims she wants to get back into TV but she doesn't want to get back into TV at the expense of Charlie because she feared that if she did that then he'd go crazy.  That's sort of like cutting off her nose to spit her face or getting rid of her breast implants to end her career...oh wait, she did do that.  Good luck!

Christina Hendricks was at the Emmy Awards last weekend.  I don't know if she won anything or was even nominated and I don't really care.  I'm too lazy to look it up and if you want to know there's this thing called Google that will help you.  You know, her boobs are almost as big as her head.  I can't concentrate when looking at her.  You know if she won any award it would be the GodfatherofGreenBay Motorboat Award.  And thus ends my coverage of the Emmys.  In an interview she said her character on Mad Men was pregnant but that she wasn't having kids right now.  Her husband, Geoffrey Arend added that they were having a lot of fun and by fun he meant BOOBS!  Can you imagine if she got pregnant?  She'd have more back problems than Christopher Reeves.  She'd need one of those Hovaround Scooters just to haul her chest around.  Of course the only person that would benefit would be the baby.  The only way to get that kid to stop eating would be to celebrate his 16th birthday.

Billy Joel was spotted at a wine bar with a sexy young blond woman.  People were amazed when they saw the couple split the tab and the woman leaving the tip.  People shouldn't be so shocked about an over the hill artist being cheap when spotted with a sexy young woman.  He's probably going to pay through the nose after they conduct more business back at his bedroom.

Oddly enough, Billy Idol and I have the same book.  Mine is sitting on my bookshelf but I've never read it and it's collected a lot of dust.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were photographed with a bunch of children this week.  I think the photos were used for the Guide to Lesbian Parenting.  It's also a Republican's nightmare.  There's a Canadian and Mexican dumping off a group of anchor babies.  Hey, Kate Gosslein....there's your new plus 8.

Avril Lavigne's boyfriend, Brody Jenner, did the only thing that shows true love.  He got Avril's name tattooed on his left arm.  Man, talk about pussywhipped.  She probably made him do it.  Oh and you can't see it because his right arm's off camera but he's holding her purse.  Kids, never, ever, EVER tattoo the name of someone you "love" on your body unless you are related to that person by blood.

Britney Spears was spotted running around with a gun.  HOLY SHIT!  Hid your kids!  Forget that, protect yourselves.  BRITNEY IS ON THE LOOSE!  Actually she was just filming a music video but knowing MTV they will blur out the gun or they will only play the video after hours.  Oh wait, MTV doesn't play music videos any more so I guess that solves that.

Video Section
Hugh Jackman was on WWE Raw this past Monday.  I think he was there to promote his new movie Rock'em Sock'em Robots.  Anyway he ended up wearing a headband and interfering in a match.

I hope everyone has a swell weekend.  I will live.

Hey hey...it's another edition of links.

1.  Have you ever wondered how things got their names?  Why is a trombone a trombone and not a sackbut?  Well I don't have the answers but here is a list of some things had ridiculous original names.

2.  so when you are a celebrity everyone seems to kiss your ass and makes you feel more important than you really are.  Also when you're a celebrity people have a hard time saying no to your ideas.  Well here are some celebrities who should've been told no when they announced that they were going to try to launch singing careers.  I think I only know one of the songs any of them sang. 

3.  A lot of people claim that professional sports are very homoerotic.  Well take a look at these accidentally sexual sports photos.  Maybe people are on to something.

4.  So everyone is still talking about the new look for facebook.  Here's an article from Huffington Post along with some of the best reactions on Twitter.  Maybe the new Facebook is why the Dow tanked.  Maybe people were forced to be productive and they made really bad stock decisions or maybe all the Farmville commodities were sold at reduced rates.

5.  I was having a discussion over on the Facebook the other day about one of my favorite childhood drinks, the Ecto Cooler.  It was a Hi-C drink that was released in conjunction with Ghostbusters.  Well a few years back there was a demand for it but Hi-C released it under a different name.  Then they took it off the market once again.  Now, some people have made claim that they have discovered how to make your own.  Here's their recipe.  No alcohol is involved.  My recipe involves alcohol.  It's UV Blue Raspberry vodka, lemonade, and orange juice and a dash of regret because you are getting older and will never be able to relive the days of your youth.

6.  Is today the Super Bowl?

7.  I read this article about Chinese condoms being too small for South Africa and was going to laugh at stereotypes but then I realized who the condoms were made for and then I thought...NICE.

8.  I know some of you are in college and on a budget.  Well here are 7 cheap dates you can do on campus.  You're welcome.

9.  This website is both why I watch the news and why I don't watch the news.  One day I want to make the news like Uribe French.

10.  Here's a collection of offensive license plates.  I thought they were pretty funny especially Pooface...look at his bumpersticker.

11.  I enjoy celebrity lookalikes.  Here are the most submitted lookalikes to the cheezeburger network.

12.  And because tomorrow marks the beginning of Oktoberfest or as we like to call it in these parts Notsoberfest or another chance for the smiley face killer to stalk prey, here's a collection of cleavage in drindls.  How could anyone be angry in Germany after looking at women in drindls?

Facebook?  I'm loving Google+!

Seriously...DRINDLS!

Now I'm hungry.

Remember, I'm starting my own save the boobs campaign.  Let me know if you're interested, ladies.

Georgia killed an innocent man.  Looks like we're going to have to reanimate the corpse of Sherman and let him loose on Georgia.

And you just lost so you must leave eprops.

And so here are some more tattoos.  I thought I'd tone down this weeks edition after the graphic nature of the last two editions although I think some of you enjoyed them...some a little bit too much.

Golf may be fun to play but it is boring to watch and makes for a boring tattoo.  I wish Ben Hogan did some flexing like his cousin Hulk Hogan.

I wonder how he likes the new changes on Facebook.  I think I would ignore that request to like.

This is a tattoo belong to rapper T Pain.  Don't worry, I won't like you.

Now there is a true fan.  At least the Pittsburgh Pirates and Penguins he has tattooed on his body aren't from the Shittsburgh days.  Remember that week when the Pirates had a winning record?  It was way back in July.

Too bad she doesn't live by that old saying "artists themselves are their own biggest critic".  I like the idea behind this but maybe they should've waited until she got a few more art lessons under her belt.


OK these are the saddest tattoos I've ever seen.  This lady was living in a nursing home and was disturbed by the quality so she got two tattoos.  The first stands for "Please Turn Over" and the other says "Do Not Resuscitate".  Yeah that says wonders about our health care system when our nursing home residents have to tattoo caregiving directives on their body.

I'd like to turn her on.  My power-up button is located elsewhere.

Hello Kitty really is everywhere.  Does anyone know what happened to @pansybradshaw ?

That spinner doesn't have a pointer to make it stop.  I could volunteer my services.

It's spelled correctly HOWEVER I don't think that's what she was aiming for. 

I see Doc, I see Grumpy,I see Sneezy, I see Happy, I see Bashful, and I see Dopey but where is Smelly?  Oh yeah, he's behind that door.

And now for the #winning portion of this week's installment

I wonder if they noticed that this wasn't winning but it was gninniw#

Wow, they really captured Charlie's emotion perfectly.  This is Charlie when he's high which is most of the time.

I wouldn't doubt he killed a tiger with his bare hands and decapitated it just to pose for that tattoo.

This may actually be one of the best Charlie Sheen tattoos I've ever seen and basically the only Charlie Sheen tattoos I've seen are these that I've posted.  Anyway I'm screaming "Wild Thing" right now.  I need to get new glasses so I think I may look for some of those.

Charlie sort of looks cross-eyed or maybe he's just really high again.

Why does it look like Charlie is humping that leg?  Oh yeah, Charlie's probably humping that leg.

That doesn't really look like Charlie.  I was thinking it was Jason Giambi.  I do like the inclusion of the Twitter birds because if it wasn't for Twitter, Charlie would probably be in an Oscars montage at the next academy awards show.

This week's most tasteless tattoo...really, what are people thinking?

Shatner disapproves.

Hope you enjoyed.

I really don't have much to say here.  I have a few posts I'm working on that will be something out of the ordinary but I'm mentally exhausted.  It's been a hell of a week.  Sometimes I really wonder about stuff.  See my brain is fried.  I suppose I should take a moment and step away from downloading porn...sweet Lord it has been so long, why don't you answer prayers...I think it's time to be funny and also go to the 24 hour Walgreens to buy more lube.  Did you hear about Facebook?  Apparently the universe now revolves around that site.  Maybe the Xanga team should change things up around here and we can bitch about it and get attention on CNN.

I saw this about 500 times today.

I actually thought this was funny.  It's a free service so they can do whatever they want with it.  If you don't want them to change it, maybe you should buy the company.

YES!

That's basically what I thought of the Facebook changes.  I don't care for it but then I was in that rut and 6 months from now they'll just change it again.

I do feel bad for some because they will no longer be able to get to second base like they once could.

I wish Facebook worked like that for me.

Looks like someone is going to be a urologist when they grow up.

I don't think those would help me.

Maybe I should go there for a vacation.

That is the only acceptable answer.

Cerely goes great with chixem and muched pompaloes and chalkloot cock.

VLOG TIME!

I have such a bad accent...OH JAH!

I win at life