I was looking for something to write about this evening and I was going through my word docs of things I have written and intend to share eventually and one stuck out. It was titled "Checkerman". I opened it and there was nothing inside. Apparently I just titled the document "Checkerman" and left it at that. I'm trying to remember why I did that. I have a feeling it's because I wanted to share the tale of Checkerman with you but I didn't have time to write it and I just sort of ignored that document. Well that is about to change.
I went to a Lutheran grade school in what is considered south central Wisconsin. I really love that area of the state. It's so rural and removed from what people consider the big city. I rode a bus to this school every day. I lived about 10 miles away from the town where the school was located. This particular town had a population of 216. I remember that because it was the number of a hymn in a hymnal that I rather enjoyed. Anyway the location of my school was ideal. It was a one story school located right underneath a bluff. We would always try to climb that bluff at recess but the teachers would be other there and scold us if we got too close. After school was a different story. On top of the bluff there was a camp that supposedly trained people to become witches. This always led to some interesting encounters like the one time a group from the camp came to worship one of the trees on our playground. They considered it to be the oldest living thing in the state of Wisconsin. They were idiots because even I as a grade school student could tell this was a young tree.
The school had 5 classrooms. Each classroom was split between two grades. In one room at the end of the building was the kindergarten and preschool room. Back then kindergarten only was in the morning and preschool was only once or twice a week. Then there was 1st and 2nd grade. When I was in that classroom the teacher became pregnant and was out of school for a while. She had a boy and gave him my name. That was sort of odd. When people realized what sex was they asked if it was my child. The 3rd and 4th grade classroom still gives me nightmares. The teacher was about 6 feet tall and weighed about 300lbs. She was so mean. I think she had issues with males because only boys got in trouble. I remember forgetting to put my name on a paper and I had to run laps around the playground which was about the size of a football field. A girl forgot to put her name on the paper the same day and the teacher told her to remember it next time. She also made boys do push-ups if we didn't sing. One day I couldn't sing because I had a sore throat. I actually was diagnosed with strep throat the next day. She stopped playing piano because I wasn't singing and told me if I didn't start singing she was going to make me do push-ups. I told her I couldn't sing because my throat hurt. She said that I could sing if I tried. I said I couldn't. She told me to do 20 push-ups. I threw my hymnal into my desk and cried. I was then told to go to the principal's office. I was sitting there and he asked what was wrong. I told him I couldn't sing because I had a sore throat. He felt my forehead and said I had a fever and so he called my mom and she came and got me. I never had an apology for that either. My only fond memories of 3rd and 4th grade was recess. The teacher liked to build classroom unity so she had us all play the same thing every single recess. In fall we played kickball. When the weather got bad we would go to the gym to play dodgeball. Then in the spring we usually played softball. She also picked the teams and batting/kicking order.
My 5th and 6th grade teacher was the principal and usually every day he went into a rant and he usually ended it with talking about how horrible drugs and sex were. There was the one time we had to take a county mandated sex survey and he apologized for it before we took it. I was in 5th grade and had to answer if I had ever had someone stick their genitals in my butt. Yep, that was a fun survey. The teacher also smoked like a chimney. He would walk outside the classroom between classes and would smoke his pipe and he would stand outside the classroom windows to make sure we were doing our work. My 7th and 8th grade teacher was a lovable buffoon. We called him the Excited Southerner because he was originally from the South and had a very noticeable accent. It was very present when he said the word "peanuts". We were in geography class learning about South America and it came time to talk about each country's exports.
"OK, class, the chief export of Brazil is peanuts." But it didn't sound like "peanuts". With his accent it sounded more like "penis".
Then he at the end of class he did a little review. "What's the chief export of Brazil?" No one knew.
"It's penis." HAHAHAHA.
"What's so funny?"
"Mr. S., what is Brazil's chief export?"
"Penis." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"What's so funny about penis?" HAHAHAHAHA
"Penis." HAHAHAHA
"Alright if anyone laughs about penis I'm taking away you recess. The chief export of Brazil is penis." HAHAHAHAHA
"THAT'S IT! Y'ALL ARE STAYING IN AT NOON TO EXPLAIN WHY Y'ALL ARE LAUGHING AT PENIS!" It was worth it.
So I just had to give you a little background of my school. This one kid who went to my church was odd and saying that he was odd is an understatement. He was a foster kid and I guess his family had issues. All his siblings were split up. I remember they would come to church with him maybe once or twice a year. All I can remember is his sister always looked pregnant even though she was only 10 or 11. It turned out that she was a nervous eater and would chew on her hair. She ended up having surgery and they removed a ball of her hair that was about the size of a softball. I also remember she wore the same t-shirt every time she came to church. It was an old school glittery screen print shirt that had a photo of J.R. Ewing and said, "I Love to Hate J.R." Her brother also had the same habit of wearing the same clothes over and over again. It wasn't that his foster family didn't provide for him. He just loved wearing the same clothes over and over and over again.
Lucas' favorite outfit was a white t-shirt and red, black, and white plaid checkered pants. I think he wore that outfit 4 school days and then for Sunday church. Well when we were in 6th grade and Lucas was in 4th grade, his first year at our school, my friend Steve took a look at Lucas after about a quarter of school had passed and said, "God that guy is weird. He wears the same outfit all the time."
I replied, "Yeah, he even wears that to church. Maybe he's some sort of crime fighter and that's his uniform." "What kind of hero is he? A checkerman?"
Well the name stuck and soon we were calling Lucas "Checkerman". He actually dug the name and told me on the bus that he was going to debut his crimefighting outfit at church on Sunday. I just said, "Oh God."
Well Sunday came and he Lucas comes running in his white t-shirt and checker pants but they were a little different and he also was wearing a black and red cape. Lucas came up to me and screamed, "DO YOU HAVE ANY CRIME THAT NEEDS FIGHTING? CHECKERMAN IS HERE!"
I was staring in disbelief. Lucas had taken a white t-shirt and wrote "Checkerman" on it with black marker and he also drew a few black and red circles on the shirt. His cape was interesting. He said he cut a pillow case and colored it with red and black markers. He also glued a few checkers on the outside. Lucas looked exactly like what you'd think a superhero named Checkerman would look like.
Well had Sunday school and all the grades met together for a brief devotion and introduction to our lesson. I can't remember how it started but Lucas got up during the middle of the devotion and started hooting as loud as he could and he jumped up on a church pew and started throwing checkers at people. Yes, he carried checkers with him and threw them at "evil doers". Well a Sunday school teacher didn't cotton to Lucas throwing checkers at evil doers so she grabbed him and pulled him out of the church. Then we didn't see him for the rest of Sunday school but when church was about to start here comes Lucas running into church acting as if he's flying and he screams, "HAVE NO FEAR, CHECKERMAN IS HERE!" Surprisingly he didn't do anything weird during church but you could just tell he had big plans for school. After church I went home with my parents and called my friend Steve and told him all about Checkerman and told him to be ready for tomorrow.
Lucas and I rode the bus with a couple other students from my town and sure enough Lucas was dressed like Checkerman. Brian, who was in my class, and I sat in back and wondered aloud what would happen once we got to school. Well that was quickly answered. Lucas ran off the bus and into the school. He ran into the doorway of every classroom and screamed, "HAVE NO FEAR, CHECKERMAN IS HERE!" No one had a clue as to what just happened. I get into my classroom and the kids are asking me what Lucas was doing. I explained how he thought he was now a superhero named Checkerman. Everyone was thankful we weren't in his classroom.
School started and everything was going swimmingly. We were just about to start math class when we heard the 3rd and 4th grade teacher scream "LUCAS!" It turned out that right at the end of their religion class he stood on top of his desk and screamed about being Checkerman, put on his cape, started throwing checkers at people and was jumping from desk to desk. We could here the teacher yelling at him to get down. The principal heard the commotion and he opened our classroom door and went to try to bring Lucas to an order. Lucas was jumping around from desk to desk The teachers tried to grab him but Lucas evaded them and he threw marbles on the floor. Apparently he was a fan of cartoons. He then came running into our room and threw checkers at some of us. Then he took off through the principal's office which was attached to our classroom and he ran outside. The 7th and 8th grade teacher tackled him and Lucas started screaming an ungodly death scream. Lucas' foster parents were called in and he was taken away. The principal came into the classroom and told us to pray for Lucas. I raised my hand and asked, "What should we do with the checkers?" The principal told us to bring them up front. 20 checkers were placed on the desk.
It turned out Lucas had a pretty severe case of ADHD and was put on so many behavior altering medicines that he was practically a zombie. He didn't wear the checkerman outfit for a few months and then one day he wore the complete outfit but he was totally zombified and did nothing crazy. Lucas had a pretty much uneventful rest of his academic career at that school except for one instance when he drew the name of his crush for secret Santa at Christmas time. He didn't buy her a gift. He made her present. He recorded himself singing Achy Breaky Heart but he changed a few of the lyrics to make it personalized for this girl. She was horrified. She gave it to the bus driver and he played it on the bus's stereo. Lucas had recorded himself singing Achy Breaky Heart for 90 minutes, 45 minutes each side. I wish I had that tape because I would definitely upload it. Then I graduated 8th grade and I didn't see much of Lucas. Because I went away to high school I usually went to church where I was living so I didn't see him much. When I was in college I found out Lucas had moved into an apartment across the street from my parents. I asked him if he had come over and threw checkers at them. Then one day I was visiting and I was outside enjoying a beer. Lucas came walking by and said hi. I waved and said hi. He just didn't seem to be the same.
It wasn't until last year that I had my next run-in with Lucas. It wasn't in person but through the newspaper. It turns out Lucas went off his medicine and decided that he was no longer a crime fighter and he beat the shit out of his girlfriend. The police were called in and that made Lucas furious. He started beating police and their tasers didn't phase him. He put one cop in the hospital because he beat him in the head. Lucas was getting tired from fighting and the tasers so instead of kicking or throwing punches he pulled down his pants and defecated into his hand and then he threw his shit at the police. Once he was out of shit he was tackled. A cop had Lucas in a choke hold and Lucas lowered his mouth and bit the cop putting him in the hospital for 30+ stitches. When they finally got him handcuffed and hog tied he attempted to urinate on them as they carried him away.
Lucas is currently a resident of the state of Wisconsin in one of our jails. It was sort of sad when Lucas' foster dad died and he couldn't come to the funeral because he was in prison. Anyway, I can't believe I hadn't shared my story of Checkerman before. I hope you enjoyed and if it was too long for you to read, here's some photos. I must admit I need to work on a better ending but then who knows what will become of him when he gets out of prison. Maybe he'll go back to fighting crime.
I think you need to get your dogs a new toy or else you need to find a better hiding spot.
Any lady who comes to my house will be stuffed one way or another.
Alle Damen lieben der Führer.
Oh, girls.
Brewers...fuck yeah!
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