I just want to throw some props out to all my Amish friends reading this from their battery powered computers or their iPads.

It really sucks being single and into BDSM.  Masturbating while wearing handcuffs is not fulfilling.

I really wish I could find a woman who said I’m her knight in shining armor so that at night I could make her spit-polish my lance.

Looking at all those photos of Suicide Girls has made me rather depressed.  I think there needs to be a Suicide Prevention Girls porn genre.

It’s amazing how watching porn will show you how empty and meaningless your life is.

I think the reason why the Republicans don’t have a great candidate is because they have just thought, “Screw it, the world is ending in 2012 so why bother.”

I guess I’m racist.  I was running in a 5K this weekend but I could only finish 3K.  Lies, I couldn’t run 3yds.

Attendance at mosques in America is rising mostly because of all the FBI and Homeland Security informants.

Kraft announced that it’s cutting the amount of sodium in Velveta by 10%.  Sadly they are taking 10% off the most healthy ingredient in Velveta.

California is the 50^th ranked state in business creation.  The only 2 businesses that are popping up are moving companies and foreclosure lawyers.

Madonna recently said that she identifies with Lady Gaga because she can’t sing, write, or act either.

A study recently found that if men are more involved in childcare it may damage a woman’s self-esteem.  This could potentially hurt 3 women in America.

A study was released that found if men started balding by age 30 they would have a 40% lower chance of developing prostate cancer and a 75% lower chance of getting laid.

It was difficult to watch TV this weekend.  It was either golf or tennis so my choices were sucking on a tailpipe or watching Mythbusters.  God that Kari Byron is hot.

I was at Walmart recently and I saw a lady in line try to purchase shampoo and a scratch off lottery ticket.  She couldn’t buy both so she put the shampoo aside and bought the ticket and scratched it off and won $50.  I felt angry because I was going to buy that ticket.  She needed the shampoo more.  She had bugs and dandruff in her hair.  So now I will only go to Walmart to buy fishing lures and cashews and toilet paper and skin moisturizers and beer and canned spaghetti.

The highlight of Labor Day is when a man in a three piece suit climbs down the chimney and wakes you up to make you pull his finger.

If I’ve done one thing in my life that’s right it’s that everything I did was wrong.

Now that it’s after Labor Day I’m going to tell everyone I meet to have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Do you know how many wives I've had over the years?  Plenty.  At least pretending to be married so an underaged girl can drink doesn't mean I have to pay alimony once the night is over.

I found a photo of my mom who was pregnant at the time holding a can of beer and smoking a cigarette while standing next to a microwave.  THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

Business idea #391:  a store that only sells three things…AXE body spray, self-tanner, and chloroform.  It will be called The Jersey Store.

Business idea #392: STD Clinic right next door to wherever the Jersey Shore cast lives during filming.

Business idea #393: I want to start a group like the NRA but it would be for sex toys.  I wanted to call it the NSTA but the National Science Teachers Association got pretty pissed because they don’t want to be associated with the sexless because they have it hard enough already being science nerds.

Ladies, if your boyfriend only wants to have sex with you in the doggystyle it’s not because he likes your ass but because he doesn’t want to look at your face or hear your constant talking.

I hate when people don’t look me in the eyes when they talk to me.  Staring at my junk makes me feel like such a piece of meat.  I now know what girls with boobs feel like.

“Ladies, it’s after Labor Day so you have to stop wearing bras.” –godfatherofgreenbay if he was a fashion expert

You haven’t been tailgating until you tailgate at a Wisconsin Badgers’ game or a Green Bay Packers’ game or in the parking lot of a Wisconsin Walmart.

If I was a Transformer I wouldn’t turn into a car or plane.  I’d turn into Broolyn Decker's or all female Xangans' vibrator.

I wish I was as funny as some of you think I am.

Most of the time I have a difficult time reading Facebook because I get creeped out when I see former high school classmates and think, “I can’t believe I used to masturbate to her.”

What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back: “No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise.

If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

“I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons

Wow, I had an excessive amount of masturbation jokes this week but you have to give me a benefit of a doubt because in my case that’s relationship humor.