Well here it is, another round-up.  I really have nothing witty to say here about my life.  Just another day and more library fines.

Hey, look, someone gave Richard Simmons a pearl necklace.  I haven't made much fun of Richard Simmons but I saw a few stories about him this week and it was basically just that he was making appearances to show he was still alive.  He used to be pretty big and he always made me think that he was the Tooth Fairy's more flamboyant and fabulous second cousin who slaps you in the face every time you try to eat a donut and then forces you to dance to oldies.

This is Rachael Taylor.  In this photo she is filming a scene for the remake of the television series "Charlie's Angels".  I think I may have to watch this show.  All these shows that are premiering this fall are looking hot.  I'm going to have to stock up on hand lotion before the season begins.

Last weekend, Jersey Shore resident, Pauly D reportedly made $100,000 for deejaying a party in Las Vegas.  $100,000 and he didn't have to do anything gay.  You can't fault the guy for chasing the American Dream™ or having MTV supply you with a constant supply of alcohol and cameras but for that amount of money you could book someone for your party that has more appeal, someone like Carrot Top or AIDS.

Remember Soulja Boy?  He's desperately trying to stay relevant.  A few months ago there was a story that his publicist leaked that claimed he bought a $30million jet.  It turns out that wasn't true and that Soulja Boy doesn't even have that amount of money.  Thank god.  Well he has found a new way to keep people talking about him.  This time it's his new song "Let's Be Real".  Here are a few of the lyrics: "Fuck the FBI and the army troops. Fighting for what? Be your own man. I'll be flying through the clouds with green like I'm Peter Pan."  Oh that should be put in a book of beloved American poetry right next to Robert Frost and Maya Angelou.  Apparently some soldiers got wind of his lyrics and started harassing him on Twitter so Soulja Boy had his publicist issue a statement: "As an artist, I let my words get the best of me. Sometimes there are things that we feel, things that we want to express, and when we put them on paper and speak them out loud, they can come out wrong.  When I expressed my frustration with the US Army, not only did my words come out wrong, I was wrong to even speak them. So, I write this to give my sincerest apology to all members of the United States military services, as well as their families that were offended by my most recent lyrics. As a young man who grew up in the post-9/11 era, I have watched our country fight two wars that seem like they are never going to end. I have seen thousands and thousands of our brave men and women get killed in battle and often times, I think for what?"  I was following him until he said he was an artist.  Somehow I doubt he even knew we were at war.

OK here's some real music.  Roger Waters turned 68 this week.  This guy might be one of the greatest minds in music.  I have never been displeased with anything Waters has put out.  Sadly I will never get to see the original Pink Floyd ever again.

Freddie Mercury would've turned 65 this week.  It's always sad when I think of what his career could've been if he didn't die of AIDS.  I don't know if he would be still singing or doing duets with today's stars.  I think he probably would retire and just live out the rest of his days comfortably with his cats.  I am really looking forward to the movie about his life staring Sascha Baron Cohen.  They start filming soon.

And because every movie is leaking photos from the set, here's a look at The Avengers.  Leaked movie set photos are the new celebrity sextape.

Paris Hilton announced that she is trying to become a DJ and wants to be the best lady DJ in the world.  She is supposedly studying under David Guetta but of course Paris does a lot of studying under numerous guys.  Going to clubs and dancing on a coke high is not how you become qualified to be a DJ.  It takes years of practice, god-given talent, and the power to convince Lindsay Lohan to go down on you....see Sam Ronson is supposedly the best lady DJ in the world.  You know, that isn't funny if I had to explain it.  Sorry.

This week Olivia Munn was at two events.  The first even was a charity golf outing.  She put on a bikini and played some golf to raise money for children who have suffered burns.  God bless you, Olivia!  Will you marry me?  If I look at that photo any longer my pants are going to get tighter and I'm going to suffer from fabric burns.  She then went to Puerto Rico where she participated in the Annual Hollywood Domino Gala & Tournament.  Do you see Dancing with the Stars in her future?  I figure she'll be on that show within 2 years, have a sextape released in 4, and she'll be doing hardcore porn in 6 years.

Did anyone watch Dancing for Relevancy this week?  I think Nancy Grace wore this dress because she wanted Casey Anthony to chloroform herself.

Speaking of Nancy Grace's meal ticket...Casey Anthony is supposedly going to move to Mexico.  She supposedly met a wealthy man who owns property in Mexico and because she's constantly receiving death threats she's going to move to Mexico and become a Mexican citizen.  So she wants to start a new life with a sugar daddy south of the border?  Did you hear that drug cartels?  Wink wink nudge nudge say no more.  She obviously didn't get any news while she was locked up if she thinks it's safer in Mexico.  That place is like the Wild West except with more killings and less cowboys.  So the moral of the story is if you're a girl in her 20s and you have nice boobs there's a rich guy who is willing to whisk you off to a tropical paradise even if you murder your daughter.  College is for suckers. 

Michael Moore became so fearful after his 2003 Oscar speech that he hired a team of security guards.  They weren't your average bar tough guys but they were former Navy SEALs.  I suppose he had to hire them because we all know Hollywood is a hotbed for Republican extremism.  He should've hired a team of nutritionists to help him train so he could fight off anyone that tried to fight him but then that wouldn't help if he faced a gun nut.  Still he should be worried less about gun nuts and focus on staying away from nutty chocolate bars.  And I'm one to talk.

Well this is going to end well.  Mel Gibson has had a project green-lit by Warner Brothers.  Mel wrote a screenplay about Jewish hero Judah Maccabee.  In case you don't know who that is, he was a Jewish warrior who led a revolt against Antiochus IV, took over Jerusalem, and restored the Holy Temple.  His victory is now celebrated as Hanukkah.  Mel has said he doesn't know if he wants to have a role in the movie or direct.  He just wrote it along with Joe Eszterhas.  Hmmm that may be interesting because Eszterhas gave us such classics as Basic Instinct and Sliver and Showgirls.  To me, the equivalent of this would be if Michelle Bachmann dropped out of the GOP primary to make a documentary about Robert Mapplethorpe.  Rabbi Marvin Hier said that putting Gibson in charge of a movie about a Jewish hero would be like having a white supremacist in charge of a movie about Martin Luther King Jr.  Like I said...this will not end well.

Madonna proved once again this week that she is not a bitch to be messed with.  She had this to say about Lady Xerox: "Of my fans? Say what interests me with the eyes of Wally, is to arrive at the truth about drilling Wallis Simpson. And realize that nothing is all white or all black. True or False. Life is gray. And you can not lock someone in a box. As for Lady Gaga, I have no comment on his obsessions related to me, because I do not know if it is based on something profound or superficial."  Yes, that was a pretty mangled translation because it was translated through Google because Madonna spoke it in French.  I want more of this.  MORE!  Maybe it will make Gaga go away.  I just worry about Perez Hilton.  His loyalty is going to be called into question.  Does he love Madonna or Lady Gaga?  He's torn...and not his rectum.
Madonna was also bitchy this week when it came to flowers:

She hates hydrangeas.  At first I thought she was handed a baby's head on a stick.  If you want to give her a gift, stick to things she likes like chocolates, the blood of virginal youth and brooms.  Just make sure any broom you purchase is right-handed because they drive on the other side of the road in Britain.  A representative issued this statement: "She's entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn't want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers."  Yeah, that's pretty sarcastic.  The ball is in your court, Gaga, let's see how you can out-bitch Madonna.

Lady Xerox went makeupless for the cover of this magazine because that is so edgy.  This looks like one of those photographs they'd show to kindergarteners to teach them about inner beauty and then once they would go out to recess the kindergarteners would stage a fight club and hurl insults at each other saying they looked like the lady in the photo.

Guy Ritchie, Madonna's ex-husband, welcomed a new child into the world this week.  His girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy.  No word on the name but that hasn't deterred Madonna from plotting revenge.  18 years from now she plans on dating Ritchie's son just to get back at him.

Hurricane Irene...Hurricane Katia...earthquakes...the economy...Lindsay Lohan is pissed that she's not a media darling so she took off the bra and got out the ice cubes.  She got my attention.  I think the reason she looks so confused is that right before this photo was taken, a homeless guy yelled at her to get a job.

On the left we see 15 year old Ali Lohan in 2009.  On the right we see 17 year old Ali Lohan in 2011.  I think the Lohan family plastic surgeon hates them because that new face looks awful.  Ali's modeling company had this to say about the allegations that she had plastic surgery to get a new face: "Contrary to recent reports, I can confirm that Aliana Lohan has not had any surgery. As a young girl who is growing up, it's natural for her facial features to change slightly, and we see this with many of the younger models we represent. Aliana is a beautiful 17-year-old girl who is growing into her face and body, as is the norm for someone of her age. We take pastoral care of our models very seriously and encourage the models to maintain a healthy lifestyle and body shape."  Dina Lohan is going to win mother of the year once again.  Her mother said that Ali was going through an awkward stage and just grew out of it and this is how she looks.  This isn't an awkward stage unless awkward stage means your mother is a cokewhore and your plastic surgeon is farsighted.

I may have to find where Vanessa Hudgens lives.  This week some teenage boys got themselves a nice show and in some hot water.  She was sunbathing topless in her backyard.  Even though she has a very private backyard there is a balcony on the neighbor's house that can see right into her yard and some teenage boys got a ladder and climbed up to the balcony and watched her sunbathe.  Vanessa heard them and covered up and ran inside.  The saddest part of the story is that the boys got figured out because they were standing on this balcony and were whistling and laughing.  If they didn't do that then they could be getting a free peek of her goodies for years to come.  Now if they want to see her naked they will have to do what the rest of us do and search the internet for her nude pics.  Just don't tell her lawyers.

Ray J has said that he's all for the idea of Vivid Entertainment selling his sextape with Kim Kardashian to a "private party" just as long as he gets a piece of the money.  He agreed with the head of Vivid that $30million is a good price and because Ray J holds a copyright on the tape no transfers of ownership can be made without his approval or in other words, he's gonna get PAID!  Ray J doesn't want that tape off the market because it's the only thing people know about him.  He made a song about having sex and no one listened.  He had a TV show on VH1 and no one watched.  If he didn't want to be connected to the tape he should've been content being known as Brandi's little brother.  Now a porn site, pornhub, has come forward and said they want to buy the tape so they can host it on their website for free.  They are willing to pay $5million for the tape.  They said that $30million is way too high and the DVD market is dying and internet porn is where it's at.  Why would anyone pay that kind of money for a sextape featuring Kim Kardashian?  If you want to see her orgasm just stick a camera in her face and take a few photos. 

Oh look at Kelly Osbourne leaving the public restroom where she just took a massive dump.  And look at that outfit she's wearing.  That's some retro Kelly Osbourne right there.  I posted this photo.  Are you horny yet?

Now that Kate Gosslein's child exploitation show has been canceled she is freaked out because she thinks she will go broke.  She claims she doesn't want the kids to suffer and not have things that they have already experienced.  She said that she wouldn't be able to live her lifestyle if she did 12 hour nursing shifts 7 days a week.  Apparently she spends $500,000 a year on 2 nannies, 2 housekeepers, an assistant and a bodyguard.  She also once spent $2000 on a single haircut.  Bitch, please.Save some cash and strap a bowl on your head.  Her house cost $1.3million and she spends $500,000 a year on her kids' private schooling.  Then that's not including all the shopping sprees she went on which people don't know if it was paid for by TLC or by Kate.  So this woman who has a litter of kids so she could get her own reality series so she could be handed bags of money is now out of a job with an empty sack of money and a litter of kids she can't afford.  Who knew that a TV show could get canceled?  I think her back up plan is that once a year an angel descends from heaven to hand her a big bag of money.  I think that Kate better look at getting her kids new jobs.  They are just the right age for her to start her own clothing line and have them do all the stitching.  It's either that or working for Nike.

John Travolta was spotted by the paparazzi enjoying some french fries.  It looks like he's had a lot of practice doing that.  You should really see him eat corndogs and chug vanilla shakes.  I think he'd fit in good with Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann.

A story was leaked earlier this week that Jessica Simpson was going to get a breast reduction surgery.  She supposedly wanted to go from her DD cup to a C cup and was willing to postpone her wedding until she was just right.  If she got rid of those massive melons what would be the point?  Don't worry, she's not going through with a reduction surgery.  She tweeted this: "Been getting lots of questions about this alleged breast reduction...not to worry...I LOVE MY BOOBIES!! They aren't going anywhere!"  Of course she loves them because they got her fame, fortune and her current fiance.  Her cutting off her breast would be cutting off her money flow.  That would be like if Ron Jeremy or myself cut off our dicks.

Carpenters unions are one of Jay-Z's problems.  He has been doing renovations at his 40/40 club and he didn't hire union carpenters so the union has been outside his club protesting.  This week things got heated and the carpenters were hurling racial slurs at Jay-Z.  I think they need to rethink how they get hired.  The only job where it's feasible to use racial slurs in the hiring process is Grand Wizard of the KKK.

This is Jason Biggs.  Remember him?  His wife took this photo and posted it on Twitter.  You know, as much as I dislike the American Pie movies, I'd rather watch him banging the pie than see this.

Jane Fonda was asked in an interview what her greatest regret in life was.  She responded that she regretted that she never got a chance to fuck Che Guevara.  You know an easy way to cure that?  Just get a random guy that you find attractive to put on a Che Guevara shirt that you can buy for $20 at TheCheStore.com and pretend that it's actually Che fucking you.  Yeah, that seems pretty outlandish.  No American has an imagination anymore.

The cast of Home Improvement reunited this week.  It's nice to see that they could all get together once again.  They all reunited on Jonathon Taylor Thomas' 30th birthday.  It's lucky he was able to make it.  He had to get a couple people to cover his shift at Denny's.  What was the name of that one movie he was in where he went around doing good for people?  Oh well, I ask him when he returns with my onion rings.

Eddie Murphy is supposedly going to be the host of the next Academy Awards.  The producer, Brett Ratner announced it this week.  Remember the last time Eddie was at the Oscars?  He lost the best supporting actor award to Alan Arkin so he stormed out because no one could be as good of an actor as Eddie Murphy.  How dare someone else win?  I guess it can't be worse than the debacle last year saw with James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosting.  This is such a great idea.  This is a night that recognizes the best in the film industry and the show will be produced by the guy that gave us Rush Hour and the host will be a hollow shell of his former self.  Who better to introduce someone like Colin Firth or Meryl Streep than the donkey from Shrek?  Oh and the opening number we'll have to see Eddie in the fat lady suit singing "Party All the Time" while being accompanied by a choir of animals.  No wonder I don't watch the Oscars.

If only Billie Joel Armstrong of the "band" Green Day wore this outfit when he boarded a flight this week then I wouldn't be writing about him.  He's 39 years old and a flight attendant asked him to pull up his pants because his ass was exposed.  He threw out some harsh words so she asked him again and he said he just wanted to sit down.  They should have tasered him and dragged him off that flight for looking like a fool with his pants on the ground but he left quietly.  I totally hate that people dress like that with pants hanging off their asses but that is a slippery slope.  Are the flight attendants going to tell people that their shirts are too tight and they have manboobs so they can't fly the friendly skies?  Or you're too ugly to be on our plane?  At least he didn't opt for wearing his pants like this.

I love Coco but I really wonder what it sounded like when she tried to put that latex dress on.  It had to sound like a family of raccoons fighting over old food scraps that were pulled out of a garbage can.  Oh well...still fap-worthy.

I hope everyone has a swell weekend.