Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me and then I see my parents.

A recent study conducted at NC State found that women who performed fellatio and swallowed semen greatly reduced their chances of having breast cancer.  Ladies, I’m want to start my own save the boobs campaign.  Let me know if you’re interested in helping.

The way to a woman’s heart is with a penis that reaches that far and shoots diamonds and cash.

Politicians are like sperm.  One in a million turn out to be an actual human.

I tried dating an astronaut once but she always said she needed her space.

90% of seniors support medicinal marijuana.  Too bad they are just high school seniors.

My last girlfriend had multiple personalities.  Does that mean I was involved in an orgy?

Physicists and Walmart officials have yet to explain why there are 200 employees at a store and yet there are only three open registers.

98% of men say life is too short so they just piss in the shower instead of getting out.

Kobe Bryant is still thinking of playing abroad this next season because the basketball lock-out hasn’t been lifted.  He’s just trying to find out which countries have the most lenient rape laws.

Sarah Palin denies sleeping with Glen Rice when she was a sports reporter.  She claims she was just covering the Big Ten.

At a recent televised football, West Virginia students were spotted by TV cameras wearing shirts that said “West Fuckin Virginia”.  The athletic director urged students not to wear these shirts because without the “g” it made them seem illiterate.

Boxing officials are trying to find ways to get more people to consider boxing to be a legitimate sport.  Obviously they haven’t seen my proposal to make the boxers fight while wearing tuxedos.

Why is it that whenever I go to the hardware store and need assistance I can never find an employee but whenever I go to a hardware store to shoplift there’s employees everywhere?

Instead of watching Dancing with the Stars, I paid someone to kick me in the balls.

Yesterday was talk like a pirate day.  I couldn’t participate because I don’t know the language of Somalia.

Diamonds are my girlfriend’s best friend.  She named her dildo Diamonds.  I’m also convinced she turned in her beauty sleep for mediocre sleep.

I updated my resume and it’s 75 pages long.  I used each and every one of you as a reference.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Ladies, every single guy who is in your friends list has jerked off to your photos…or maybe that’s just me.

I was caught playing air guitar today.  I quickly acted like I was playing with my balls.  Better to look like a pervert than an idiot.

I’m proposing a new game show to the Game Show Network.  I get five women who will write down how much they’re willing to pay me to have sex with them.  The highest bid wins.  The show is tentatively called “Get Godfather’s Goo Bazooka”.

Everyone knows what 69 is but due to the poor economy and inflation the number is now 96 because it costs more to eat out these days.

Men only have two emotions: hungry or horny.  Ladies, if you see a guy without a hard-on you better make him a sandwich.

If I had a nickel for every lustful stare I’ve received today then I’d have 88cents.

A woman called me ugly today.  I started crying because it must be so difficult to live with horrible eyesight.

I was voted most popular at the Mazomanie Nude Beach this summer.  I usually brought two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts with me to the beach.

A girl wrote “wash me” on the dust on my dick.

Waste is a terrible thing to mind.

Last guys finish nice.

My exgirlfriend said I needed work on my bedroom tactics.  She suggested I buy an iPod Classic and upload all my music on it and practice scrolling all the way down to ZZ Top.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all, just post that shit on Xanga.

I’m thinking of committing Xangacide because in the last one of these posts one of the jokes I had a comment from my wife and girlfriend thinking it was about them.

93% of Xanga users say the biggest regret they have about Xanga usually involves the recommend comment or befriending the guy who recommends every single comment he writes.