Well today was quite fun.  I was planning on going to Oktoberfest but I didn't make it because I think I'm coming down with something.  I've had a fever for the past two days but other than a fever I feel pretty decent.  I get a call from my dad saying he wants to go to this discount grocery located in the country, basically in the middle of nowhere.  He hated my aunt's directions...if you go by the teepee in the cornfield and the elephant trunk rock then you've gone too far...so I had to take him.  He kept screwing around and basically we got there 5 minutes before it closed.  I got some good deals.  Actually great deals.  Afterward he wanted to eat at Pizza Hut...I hate that place but I was quiet.  An anorexic girl told me that she felt as fat as I am.  Yeah that made my day.  Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.  I guess it's to be thinspo for other people.  Fuck.  Well I got home and laid around trying to figure out why I have this fever.  Now I'm on Xanga and I really wonder why.  Time for the round-up.

Earlier this week there was a Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen and of course Steve-O had to be a jackass.  He ran into Mike Tyson's fist.  Watch the video.  This is the aftermath.  And remember, Steve-O is completely sober.

The last time I wrote about Sinead O'Connor it was about how she was looking for sex.  Now she took to Twitter and was asking followers for different advice.  Here are her tweets: "Had to go psychiatrist for routine renew prescription etc. She says I'm a bad mum and mental for talking so openly about sex in public."  "So now I wish suicide wud kill me."  "I fucking hate Ireland so much."  "All this shit we're not supposed to say. Including suicidal feelings, sex, etc. U just get treated like a crazy person. I want to go"  "To heaven SO bad. Have for yrs. But I don't wanna abandon my kids. But if I cud die without them knowing I did it myself I wud."  "An I know every1 will say I'm a cunt for saying that.. But fuck all this shit we're 'not supposed to say'. I'm so tired. 24 yrs"  "Of being treated like a crazy person. Can't manage any more. Badly wish cud die without it ruining my kids lives."  Because talking about that on Twitter will get you a visit from the police, Sinead was visited by the police and had to talk to a mental health professional.  She took to her blog a few days later to clarify.  I won't print it all because you can go here.  Tweeting for suicide advice is the shit I'd expect from 12 year old emo wannabes who can't get over the fact that Justin Bieber is dating Selena Gomez and just discovered The Cure.  She can't kill herself.  The world needs more women fighting for their right to have buttsex.  Maybe she is crazy.  I suppose all celebrities who tweet about killing themselves to stay relevant are crazy. 

The band R.E.M. called it quits this week.  So I guess that means they will tour once again if a big bag of money is waved in front of their faces or if they are offered a mentorship on American Idol.  Basically, they'll be back performing in 5 years.  In case you missed the tweets...I was crushed with eyeliner when I heard this news and thought that it was the end of the world as I knew it because it was such a bad day.  The news of their retirement isn't going to make for Shiny happy people.  And as @garistotle reminded me, Everybody hurts when they hear about the news of their favorite band breaking up and he felt that he was losing his religion.  @Xplorrn told me that he was dealing with their retirement by gardening at night.  Personally, I began the begin and did some nightswimming and I beat up Dan Rather.  I just have to stand and be strong and hope that I get to see them in the great beyond.  And how did Michael Stipe mourn the loss of his band?  He posted nude pics of himself on Tumblr.  Maybe Xanga isn't a bad place afterall.

Pippa Middleton was at some fashion show this week and people got an eyeful.  People claim that you can see Pippa's vagina but you can't.  There's some thin underwear in there.  Thighs have a weird way of making you think you're looking at a vagina but you aren't.  Oh well, I'd bow down to her and show her my royal scepter and insert cunnilingus comment here.

Paris Hilton did something responsible this week.  She finished all her community service for that cocaine possession charge and she also paid off her fine.  What's next...she'll use condoms?  Paris seems more mature.  What's come over her...besides the entire offensive line of USC?  Maybe she's just thinking that if she screws up again she'll be behind bars like Lindsay Lohan.  Wow, Lohan as a postergirl to keep people out of jail.  I think she has a new calling in life.

Earlier this week a man posted a sale on eBay with a photo claiming that Nicolas Cage is a vampire.  Here's what the entry says: "Original c.1870 carte de visite showing a man who looks exactly like Nick Cage. Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host. This is not a trick photo of any kind and has not been manipulated in Photoshop or any other graphics program. It’s an original photo of a man who lived in Bristol, TN sometime around the Civil War. I’ve had a lot of questions asking where I purchased this. As followers of my website know, I collect antique memorial photography — images of dead people — from the 1800s. This photo was found in the very back of album that contained an unusual number of Civil War era death portraits (which is why I purchased it). All of the other people in the album, living and dead, were identified by name — this man was not. Photographer is Professor G.B. Smith. A contact of mine forwarded this interesting article (link) about the photographer, Smith. Turns out he was a confederate Civil War prisoner of war photographer. Guaranteed to be an original 1860s-70s photograph and not a modern reproduction, copy or photo manipulation."  So this guy makes valid points and then he admits he runs a website where he and followers collect photos of dead people from the 1800s.  Now that you have stopped reading...HOLY SHIT THAT LOOKS LIKE NIC CAGE!  I never knew vampires needed hair plugs.  According to movies, vampires sparkle.  That guy isn't sparkling and he's wearing a bowtie.  You can't sparkle, pout and listen to The Cure in the back of your mom's minivan if you wear a bowtie.  Try it, it's impossible.

If this is what Dancing with the Stars is all about then I will never watch it again.  I am getting sicker.

A new photo of Miley Cyrus was "leaked" this week.  I say "leaked" because it totally looks like an outtake shot from a photoshoot but then I'm just looking a gift horse in the crotch...damn.  Anyway, enjoy the leaked photo of Miley because leaked photos totally aren't airbrushed or professionally shot and the person in the photo doesn't milk the internet for attention by putting out pseudo sexual photos.

This is Margaret Pellegrini.  She turned 88 this week.  Why did she make the round-up?  Well she is the last surviving Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz.  I really don't know why I included this.  Probably because I liked watching her dance to Dark Side of the Moon and I didn't know it was her.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is promoting a movie called Hysteria.  The movie is about the world's first vibrator.  She claims that while she she was filming it in London many sex shops got wind of the movie and they started sending her vibrators.  She said she started lending them out to her friends.  Do they make vibrator sanitizer?  I don't think Maggie's friends would be willing to admit they are friends with her after her comments about sharing vibrators.  Is two girls sharing a vibrator the equivalent of the time I became a blood brother with a friend? 

Last week I wrote about how Lindsay threw a glass and someone got hurt.  Well that person is now threatening pressing charges.  Come on, you knew this would happen.  A famous person hurts you of course you'll sue, it's the American way.  Too bad the person she's threatening doesn't have a pot to piss in.  About the only thing she could collect is a slightly used sex toy.  Because of that incident Lindsay has become poison.  She went to a party thrown by fashion designer Marc Jacobs and sat in a booth next to Dakota Fanning but security guards found Lindsay and told her she was not welcome and they escorted her out of the event.  If Lindsay isn't able to use her celebrity status to get into trendy parties what is she going to do with herself every day?  It's a fact that people who don't work, squander money, and are despised by the public don't last in Hollywood because most of them are in Washington D.C.  This week Lindsay was spotted making out with Vikram Chatwal, a millionaire hotel owner.  She confronted his wife by saying, "You're his wife?"  Of course Lindsay didn't know any better because she's been living in Chatwal's house.  His family is worried that she is bad for Vikram.  Hell, Lindsay is bad for Lindsay.  Lindsay soon will have to appear before the court to show how many hours of community service she has completed.  She was ordered to do 380 hours at a women's shelter.  She has done 60 hours.  She was also ordered to do 100 hours at the L.A. County morgue.  She has done 0 hours.  Lindsay Lohan is ass-fucking Lady Justice without lube.  Lindsay doesn't seem concerned because she says she has a year to complete it.  She should follow Paris Hilton's lead.  Did I just type that?  What's the judge going to do, throw her in jail?  That's a laugh because look at her jailtime last time.  I can't believe going to bars doesn't count as community service.  Let's break it down...bars serve vodka and vodka costs money and generates taxes and taxes go to schools.  It's funny how now one mentions that Lindsay is helping school children with her drinking.  I think people are just jealous of how pretty she is.  Yeah, that's the ticket.

Lady Gaga took to writing some shit this week about bullying.  She wants it made illegal because it's a hate crime.  Hmmm I have always wondered but isn't bullying survival of the fittest?  Anyway, will bullying be illegal for all people and not just certain ones.  Like if someone says I'm retarded because I hold Christian beliefs will they be held accountable and imprisoned?  I've seen that plenty of times on Xanga.  In fact I bet people would construe this post as a form of bullying.  I think what she's doing in trying to work on bullying is commendable because bullying contributes nothing to society and only serves make outcast and enemies out of good kids.  You cannot ban bullying. You literally cannot. Bullying isn’t just an action; it’s an idea, and unfortunately, a rather vague one, and you can’t legislate away ideas. What does and does not constitute bullying is pretty grey area, and unfortunately, being a complete ass is protected by the first amendment. The price we pay for saying and hearing what we want is that assholes get the same treatment. If, however, those words push someone over the edge then yes, they will have to face legal recourse for their actions, but banning them from saying those words won’t kill the idea and the feelings behind them. If you really want to keep kids from bullying each other, teach them that it’s okay to be different and that it’s not okay to gang-up on a defenseless kid because they hate themselves.

To promote Moneyball, Jonah Hill threw out the first pitch at an Oakland A's game this week.  Remember when he was fat?  I actually think most people look better after they lose weight.  I probably would. He doesn't look better.  Jonah looks like he's dying of something.  Here's video footage of him throwing out the pitch.  I'm fairly certain that I could throw a better pitch but then I played baseball and didn't make millions for playing a whiny fat dude in movies.

Hey, look, Heidi Montag rose from the grave this week to celebrate her birthday.  Oh wow, she looks...yeah...because we all know that women who have significant amounts of plastic surgery on their faces age gracefully i.e. Joan Rivers.  By 2036, Heidi will look pretty swank.

Madame Tussaud's unveiled a wax statue of Fergie this week.  I'm thinking it's not normal that the wax statue looks less waxy than the actual human being.  Wow, that statue is pretty hot and I can't believe I said that.  Oh these Celebrity Round-Up posts make me sink each week to a new low.  One of these weeks I'll just do a vlog of me reading Penthouse Letters and I'll replace the names with celebrity names.

Elvira turned 60s this week and I still don't know her real name.  I suppose I could look it up on the old Google but BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS!

Elin Nordegren must be over Tiger Woods, sick of his money, or she's bled him dry of his money because she is marrying a millionaire named Jamie Dingman.  I have been getting the feeling that she can't achieve orgasm unless she is looking at an ATM receipt.  I also wonder if Tiger is off the hook for child support and alimony.  I've never had to worry about that.  I guess I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never marry a Swedish swimsuit model or be so filthy rich that I have to worry about alimony.  I'm just thinspo for anorexic girls.

Denis Richards turned down $100,000 to appear on the season premiere of Two and a Half Men as one of the ex's of the character Charlie.  She also is Charlie Sheen's ex-wife.  She claims she wants to get back into TV but she doesn't want to get back into TV at the expense of Charlie because she feared that if she did that then he'd go crazy.  That's sort of like cutting off her nose to spit her face or getting rid of her breast implants to end her career...oh wait, she did do that.  Good luck!

Christina Hendricks was at the Emmy Awards last weekend.  I don't know if she won anything or was even nominated and I don't really care.  I'm too lazy to look it up and if you want to know there's this thing called Google that will help you.  You know, her boobs are almost as big as her head.  I can't concentrate when looking at her.  You know if she won any award it would be the GodfatherofGreenBay Motorboat Award.  And thus ends my coverage of the Emmys.  In an interview she said her character on Mad Men was pregnant but that she wasn't having kids right now.  Her husband, Geoffrey Arend added that they were having a lot of fun and by fun he meant BOOBS!  Can you imagine if she got pregnant?  She'd have more back problems than Christopher Reeves.  She'd need one of those Hovaround Scooters just to haul her chest around.  Of course the only person that would benefit would be the baby.  The only way to get that kid to stop eating would be to celebrate his 16th birthday.

Billy Joel was spotted at a wine bar with a sexy young blond woman.  People were amazed when they saw the couple split the tab and the woman leaving the tip.  People shouldn't be so shocked about an over the hill artist being cheap when spotted with a sexy young woman.  He's probably going to pay through the nose after they conduct more business back at his bedroom.

Oddly enough, Billy Idol and I have the same book.  Mine is sitting on my bookshelf but I've never read it and it's collected a lot of dust.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were photographed with a bunch of children this week.  I think the photos were used for the Guide to Lesbian Parenting.  It's also a Republican's nightmare.  There's a Canadian and Mexican dumping off a group of anchor babies.  Hey, Kate Gosslein....there's your new plus 8.

Avril Lavigne's boyfriend, Brody Jenner, did the only thing that shows true love.  He got Avril's name tattooed on his left arm.  Man, talk about pussywhipped.  She probably made him do it.  Oh and you can't see it because his right arm's off camera but he's holding her purse.  Kids, never, ever, EVER tattoo the name of someone you "love" on your body unless you are related to that person by blood.

Britney Spears was spotted running around with a gun.  HOLY SHIT!  Hid your kids!  Forget that, protect yourselves.  BRITNEY IS ON THE LOOSE!  Actually she was just filming a music video but knowing MTV they will blur out the gun or they will only play the video after hours.  Oh wait, MTV doesn't play music videos any more so I guess that solves that.

Video Section
Hugh Jackman was on WWE Raw this past Monday.  I think he was there to promote his new movie Rock'em Sock'em Robots.  Anyway he ended up wearing a headband and interfering in a match.

I hope everyone has a swell weekend.  I will live.