I’ll let you occupy Wall Street.  I’ll take State Street.

Do you have trouble getting your children’s attention?  Well just sit down and act relaxed and that should do the trick.

Yesterday marked the anniversary of Johnny Appleseed, the only man in the world to toss more seed around than Wilt Chamberlain.

Toys R Us announced that they plan to hire 40,000 workers for the holiday season.  These positions will all be security to make sure people don’t shoplift because this economy is shit and kids don’t understand it and want more and more and more.

The King of Saudi Arabia announced this week that women now have the right to vote but he didn’t say who the women were required to vote for.

McDonald’s and KFC announced they will allow unions at their restaurants in China.  Workers now expect salaries to soar to 65 cents day.

I think people would like going to church if there was more Bowie in the hymnals.

Mike Modano signed a contract with the Dallas Stars for $999,999 to make his #9 jersey and so he could retire as a Star.  The Minnesota Vikings got wind of this and offered Donovan McNabb $5 to retire to match his jersey number and playing ability.  The Minnesota Vikings are like the Jenna Jameson of the NFL, they have terrible outfits and know how to suck.

Laying around on Saturday and Sunday is the closest I’ll ever come to playing college and professional football.

Pick-up line sure to fail: My herpes are in remission.

People in the GOP are wanting Governor Christie to run.  He might have a heart attack if he does run.  Oh wait…run for president.

They say that best place to be during a zombie apocalypse is the site of where it originated.  In the event of a zombie apocalypse, you’ll find me at Walmart.

I knew my girlfriend was the one after I saw her yawn.

You really have to hand it to blind hookers.

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away unless you forget to wear a condom and then you’ll have to see the doctor repeatedly for 18 years.

Have you ever had your last beer of the night actually be your first beer of the morning?

I have never sipped a beer in my life.  I’ve chugged, slammed, drank, and occasional thrown in my face.  BUT NEVER SIPPED!

I hear McDonald’s is bringing back their Monopoly game.  It looks like I’ll have a 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize or obesity or type 2 diabetes or explosive diarrhea.

I love a girl with junk in the trunk but not in the Casey Anthony meaning of the word junk.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Frank Caliendo is supposedly known for his impersonations.  I wish he would learn how to impersonate a comedian.

Native American strip clubs never took off because strippers actually did make it rain.

Nothing says “I have no friends” like a 13 year old girl playing hangman with herself on the sidewalk in front of the library.

I’m old and the proof is I make a rotary phone motion when I tell someone to call me.

In my recent driver’s license photo I’m crying because this way the police will believe me when I say I’m speeding to get home to make self-deprecating jokes on the internet.

I like my chicken like I like my women: big breasts, meaty thighs, and covered in BBQ sauce.  I also think women are like the lottery because when they give me the right 7 digits, I think I’ve hit the jackpot.

Girls, remember when your parents told you not to spit because it’s not ladylike?  It still applies.

If I had a nickel for every time I said, “if I had a nickel,” then I’d have 10 cents for this post.

I may be having surgery so my doctor insisted I shave my pubes.  Why do you need to shave there for knee surgery?

I figure I’ll stick around Xanga for quite some time because it gives me an elevated sense of self.  Let’s just say I’m more popular than Jesus…Jones.

Complaining about the new Facebook on Xanga is sort of like complaining about your current girlfriend to your ex.

I wanted to change my Xanga password to “penis” but they said it was too short.

#I #don’t #undertand #the #purpose #of #hashtags #on #Xanga.  #Do #you #?

Like sands through the hourglass so Xanga wastes our time.

I googled “What is the meaning of life”.  It said, “Get off Xanga, asshole.”

A study found that most adolescents who are addicted to the internet are more likely to engage in self-injurious behavior such as joining Xanga.

95% of you need to get off Xanga and get back to work…right after you leave eprops.

Xanga is the leading cause of reminding people why they lost touch with reality in the first place.

A recent study found that there is indeed no cure for stupid.  They spent months observing Xanga.

If your life is so miserable that all you live for is Xanga, do us a favor and seek therapy and quit spreading your poison here.

It’s no longer cool to type “that is all” at the end of posts so that is all.