For those of you who are new to these parts, I used to do a regular post featuring me answering questions alongside my cock, my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.

GOGB: Cocky, we haven't been on Xanga together for some time.  How was your time off?
Cocky: You should be asking how was my time getting off.
GOGB: Umm...no.
Cocky:  Oh it was so exciting.  I finally tricked out my car.

GOGB: Did you do anything else?
Cocky: I played some hockey.

GOGB: Well that sounds pretty exciting.  How did you do?
Cocky: Well I got it in the crease quite a few times.
GOGB: How did I know that's where that was headed?
Cocky: Well you know me, I get my stick headed downtown all the time.

Cocky: LIES!  LIES!  That particular pussy was just into playing rough.
GOGB: Yeah, that's what they all say.  Cocky, I have grown tired of stroking your ego.
Cocky: Huh...my ego wasn't what you were stroking last night while you were on the internet crying.
GOGB: Well that's depressing.
Cocky: Christ, the only thing that got depressed at your house was the computer chair being depressed from your ass cheeks.
GOGB: Anyway...We started writing these two years ago and I see so many people make the "cock" joke.
Cocky:  OH and I suppose you're going to take credit for it?  Sort of like the person on Xanga who took credit for inventing the interview?
GOGB: No, but I've grown tired of not getting on the front page.
Cocky: Oh God, Xanga envy.
GOGB: No it's just that you see posts that get there where the person put absolutely no effort into the post but for some reason it makes it to the top.
Cocky: Maybe you need to quit being a little bitch, grow a pair of balls, and kiss some ass by making friends.
GOGB: But that would sell out my ideals.
Cocky: This coming from a guy who masturbates to music videos on MTV Jams.
GOGB: Anyway...Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
GOGB: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

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Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a bit of a bind.  I need money ASAP.  Do you have any tips on how to get some fast cash?
                                         Needy in Neenah
GOGB: Well one thing I have learned that when you are desperate it is nearly impossible to make quick cash.  If the bind is overwhelming you may want to find your nearest casino and play roulette.  There are a variety of ways to play and quickly learned strategies but if you do play, you have to learn when to quit.
Cocky: Don't listen to him!  He plays the easy game and doesn't have the balls to play the numbers.  He plays the colors.  He puts $5 on black or red and sure it doubles his money but it takes forever.
GOGB: Cocky, it's the safest bet in a casino and has the greatest chance of victory.  Need I remind you that I have only lost one time when I played roulette.
Cocky: That's because you chicken out and quit after you win 5 or 6 spins.
GOGB: Maybe I should tell him to find his nearest game of chicken roulette.
Cocky: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER MENTION THAT!
GOGB: Did I?  Many of you probably haven't heard of how I met Cocky.  I rescued him.  He was being used in a game of chicken roulette behind a barn that was converted into a bar.  Why don't you tell them how it was played?
Cocky:  They put me in a 10ft by 10ft pen.  The floor was divided into squares with numbers painted on.  People placed bets as to which square my poop would land.  It was the lowest point of my life.  Sure I was fed a lot of great chili but I never saw one cent.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood.  My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first.  I am having trouble inserting tampons.  What should I do?
                                           Despondent in Dover
GOGB: Uh....I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem.  I have no clue about the workings of said devices.  What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school.  While I was teaching I was faced with this problem.  I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered "cool".  Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
Cocky: Get a plumber's helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Where is your favorite place to hang out?
                                         Hipster in Hillsboro
GOGB: Well I do like the comfort of my own personal home but I do like to go to the library, the forest on my family's farm, a bluff overlooking the Mississippi, and a lake in my hometown.
Cocky: Christ...the library?  Are you serious?  You may as well've said "I have no life and can't get laid to save my soul."
GOGB:  There are lovely ladies at the library.
Cocky: By lovely you mean 80.
GOGB: Answer the question.  Where is your favorite place to hang out?
Cocky: My zipper.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job.  Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
                                         Hard-worker in Hortonville
GOGB: I wouldn't advise making wave in your first days on the job.  If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved.  You are working hard and she is working sub-par.  Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
Cocky:  The way I see it, if she isn't hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, "Bitch, get your ass to work."  If that doesn't work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired.  Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, "Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me."  If that doesn't work, throat punches for everyone.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have become weary of the state of Xanga.  I mean all that people seem to talk about is racism, abortion, or evolution.  The worst part of all the arguing is that they are all saying the same things and they agree with each other in theory but for the sake of argument they disagree.  What is your take in all of this?
                                         Beleaguered in Beaver Dam
GOGB: Well I have been a silent observer.  It seems that no matter which side you take, you get attacked even though you are against racism.  I have had experiences with racism.
Cocky: Experiences, man...because I am a colorful character, I've had people say I look like parrots.  That is blatant avianism.
GOGB: I am so sorry you had to experience that.
Cocky:  It makes me feel so abused.
GOGB: How about that time when I was called the n-word.  That lady walked into the store where I was working and asked me, "N-word, where can I find a toothbrush that says Wisconsin Dells?"  I felt weird.  Then there was the time at Blockbuster where I was reading the back of a DVD case and a guy came up to me and said, "Oh snap!  N-word that movie will scare the shit out of you!" 
Cocky:  They called you a derogatory name for another race?
GOGB: Yes and then there was the time I was at a chain restaurant/bar with a guy from my church and we were talking about deer hunting.  I said that because of my health I hadn't been able to go out and all I could do was shine.  I went on about shining.  Then one man stood and got in my face and asked, "Who you calling a shine, cracker?" 
Cocky: So your alleged intolerance was answered with ignorance?  Bravo!
GOGB: I guess what I am saying is that no Xangan is going to cure society's ills unless Fred Durst returns to Xanga, then it may happen.  Promotion and awareness are great but name-calling to make your argument is not warranted.  My greatest piece of advice is not to click the link. 

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How would you go about picking lotto numbers?
                                    Lotto Lover in Luck
GOGB: Well the lottery isn’t something I play.  I do play scratch-offs occasionally but the big games aren’t for me.  It’s nice that some money goes to school districts but that is miniscule.  I would say just do a random guess. 
Cocky : You go up to the nearest old lady, punch her in the throat, steal her purse, and then use her social security card to select your numbers.

Dear Cocky,
were you ever considered for the role of Rooster Cogburn in the re-make of True Grit? Because I think you would have been a natural for that part, especially the drinking scenes.
                  Melfamy
Cocky: Well you know something, they hired me as a consultant.  The Cohen brothers didn't want to put me on camera because I was too gritty and they feared that my performance would make John Wayne look like he was acting in a middle school play.  Oh and if you didn't know the name Cogburn was derived from my family name.
GOGB: Really?
Cocky: REALLY?  Yes, of course it was.  They wanted to Americanize the name McCockburns.  Also they thought my surname sounded a little dirty and ethnic-y.
GOGB: Well that makes me question the whole naming process because we have a sponsor named Cockburn's Port.
Cocky: Same family...when they arrived that Portugal's version of Ellis Island they made them drop the Mc.
GOGB:  I wish they would have done that with the fine Scottish restaurant called McDonald's.
Cocky: Just get rid of the entire chain?
GOGB: Yes, it is deplorable with the working conditions and health care.
Cocky: But where would you take your dates?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I've been interested in anal sex for some time but I just don't know how to bring it up with my girlfriend.  What do you guys think is the best way I should talk to my girlfriend about trying anal sex?
                                         Butt Love in Butler
GOGB:  I think the easiest way is just be direct about it.  Don't go leaving hints around the place because it can always be taken a different direction.  Let her control things and only try it when she is ready.  If she doesn't like it then stop.
Cocky:  Well the first thing you should do is focus on getting a girlfriend.

GOGB: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

  And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
GOGB: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
GOGB: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky : Wrong!  I'm a cock.

Seriously, if you want these, leave questions below or at the places mentioned above.