Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me and then I see my parents.

A recent study conducted at NC State found that women who performed fellatio and swallowed semen greatly reduced their chances of having breast cancer.  Ladies, I’m want to start my own save the boobs campaign.  Let me know if you’re interested in helping.

The way to a woman’s heart is with a penis that reaches that far and shoots diamonds and cash.

Politicians are like sperm.  One in a million turn out to be an actual human.

I tried dating an astronaut once but she always said she needed her space.

90% of seniors support medicinal marijuana.  Too bad they are just high school seniors.

My last girlfriend had multiple personalities.  Does that mean I was involved in an orgy?

Physicists and Walmart officials have yet to explain why there are 200 employees at a store and yet there are only three open registers.

98% of men say life is too short so they just piss in the shower instead of getting out.

Kobe Bryant is still thinking of playing abroad this next season because the basketball lock-out hasn’t been lifted.  He’s just trying to find out which countries have the most lenient rape laws.

Sarah Palin denies sleeping with Glen Rice when she was a sports reporter.  She claims she was just covering the Big Ten.

At a recent televised football, West Virginia students were spotted by TV cameras wearing shirts that said “West Fuckin Virginia”.  The athletic director urged students not to wear these shirts because without the “g” it made them seem illiterate.

Boxing officials are trying to find ways to get more people to consider boxing to be a legitimate sport.  Obviously they haven’t seen my proposal to make the boxers fight while wearing tuxedos.

Why is it that whenever I go to the hardware store and need assistance I can never find an employee but whenever I go to a hardware store to shoplift there’s employees everywhere?

Instead of watching Dancing with the Stars, I paid someone to kick me in the balls.

Yesterday was talk like a pirate day.  I couldn’t participate because I don’t know the language of Somalia.

Diamonds are my girlfriend’s best friend.  She named her dildo Diamonds.  I’m also convinced she turned in her beauty sleep for mediocre sleep.

I updated my resume and it’s 75 pages long.  I used each and every one of you as a reference.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Ladies, every single guy who is in your friends list has jerked off to your photos…or maybe that’s just me.

I was caught playing air guitar today.  I quickly acted like I was playing with my balls.  Better to look like a pervert than an idiot.

I’m proposing a new game show to the Game Show Network.  I get five women who will write down how much they’re willing to pay me to have sex with them.  The highest bid wins.  The show is tentatively called “Get Godfather’s Goo Bazooka”.

Everyone knows what 69 is but due to the poor economy and inflation the number is now 96 because it costs more to eat out these days.

Men only have two emotions: hungry or horny.  Ladies, if you see a guy without a hard-on you better make him a sandwich.

If I had a nickel for every lustful stare I’ve received today then I’d have 88cents.

A woman called me ugly today.  I started crying because it must be so difficult to live with horrible eyesight.

I was voted most popular at the Mazomanie Nude Beach this summer.  I usually brought two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts with me to the beach.

A girl wrote “wash me” on the dust on my dick.

Waste is a terrible thing to mind.

Last guys finish nice.

My exgirlfriend said I needed work on my bedroom tactics.  She suggested I buy an iPod Classic and upload all my music on it and practice scrolling all the way down to ZZ Top.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all, just post that shit on Xanga.

I’m thinking of committing Xangacide because in the last one of these posts one of the jokes I had a comment from my wife and girlfriend thinking it was about them.

93% of Xanga users say the biggest regret they have about Xanga usually involves the recommend comment or befriending the guy who recommends every single comment he writes.

I didn't really go over your last assignment, class.  Life has gotten in the way of things and now football season has begun.  Anyway, here's the next assignment.

So what do you eat?  Why?  PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ANSWER WHY!

@starmanjones posted one of those photo things where you find the random band name and album cover and album name.  I don't know about you but whenever I see @starmanjones this is what I think of: Rocket, Rocket I'm taking a rocket.  I'm packing my suitcase, Hey, look out, Moon! Yeah, a rocket, into outer space.  Goodbye, human race, I'll be there soon. Blast off!  For fun and adventure.  There's a fair adventure, collecting stones. Yeah, it's my way, on the ol' space highway.  That's why they all say  "There goes Astronaut Jones!"

Go to “Wikipedia.” Hit “random” and the first article you get is the name of your band. Then go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. Then, go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days” and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

assemble @ picnik.com or your favorite photo editor and post the result

tag those who you know have a need of being tagged

My artist name is Tiburtio Massaino and the album is called "Go Sip Your Mocca and Read the Wall Street Journal".  I didn't create it in picnik, I used MSPaint because that is how I roll.  Now it's your turn or something.

They're nice.  Now it's time for cats. #caturday

Does my opinion really matter on the subject?  If you think it does then listen to ↓

Here we are, another Friday night and I ain't got nobody.  Sorry, just singing a little song on my mind.  My town last in football.  It was probably because I wasn't there.  I went out for supper.  I hit up a Chinese buffet that makes the best Mexican food.  They also had this Chinese delicacy called tapioca pudding and another delicacy called peanut butter chicken.  They didn't understand when I asked for Beef and Broccoli but hold the broccoli.  When I got home I turned on a Law and Order dvd and fell asleep.  I am so old.  Law and Order on a Friday night.  God, I am destined to be alone.  Too depressing...time for the round-up

Marc Anthony is a co-owner of the Miami Dolphins.  All these celebrities have bought shares of the team and they all sit in their luxury boxes and have turned Dolphins games into a Miami hotspot.  Well last Monday Miami lost to the New England Patriots but the celebrities celebrated a touchdown and we got this photo of Will Smith trying to confirm the rumor that Anthony has an eleven inch penis.  The funny thing is, there was a rumor a few weeks ago that Anthony was divorcing Jennifer Lopez because he cheated on her and then there was a rumor that Will Smith was divorcing his wife Jada Pinkett because she cheated on him with MARC ANTHONY.  Will Smith was also spotted caressing Anthony's neck during the game quite a bit.  I think all those rumors are wrong and Will Smith cheated with Anthony or maybe that's just how the Church of Scientology gets new members.

In an interview this week Sofia Vergara said that she looks like a transvestite.  Obviously she doesn't know what the word "transvestite" means.  Her English is pretty spotty. 

The one thing Snooki had going for her was that she didn't have any stupid tattoos.  Looks like that just changed.  I think that means she is queen of the Jersey Shore.

Ron Artest of the L.A. Lakers officially changed his name to Meta World Peace.  His daughter now has asked to take his last name.  She will become Diamond World Peace.  And I can see that name in the future roster of strip clubs.  He tried changing his name earlier this summer but was denied because he had unpaid traffic fines.  I'm surprised those weren't thrown out of court because he is a star and it is Los Angeles.  So Meta is his first name and World Peace is his surname.  Ron should've changed his name to I Never Meta Psychiatrist or I Never Meta Ounce of Sanity.  And because he plays for the Lakers he will be known to me as Messy Warped Pussy.

This is for the ladies and the Canadians.  We see Robert Downey Jr rocking an all denim outfit.  All he needs is a denim jacket and he has a complete Canadian tuxedo.  Wow, he really looks like he's Takin' Care of Business.  Weird but my favorite Myspace no longer exists.  It was BTO Serial Killer...cripes, RDJ could fit that profile.

OK this was a headline from a paper in London.  I laughed so hard at this headline and then I read the story.  The little person's name is Percy Foster and he gained fame because he was in a porno titled "Hi-Ho Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It's Up Your Arse We Go" and on the set people noticed that he bore a striking resemblance to Gordon Ramsay.  Foster was found in a badger den when a government agency was set to follow through on gassing of badger dens.  People close to Percy say it may have been a suicide because he's been dealing with some heavy stuff.  The cynic in me thinks this is made up because I try to look up info on Percy and all I get is news stories about his death.  Oh well, let's pour a little liquor out and I do mean a little in his memory.

While at the Toronto Film Festival promoting his new movie Trespass which is about home invasions, Nicolas Cage told a tale of how he suffered a home invasion.  The most surprising thing is that it wasn't a repo-man there to take back some dinosaur bones.  He said that at 2AM he was sleeping next to his wife and he woke up to see a naked man with a leather jacket eating a Fudgsicle in front of his bed.  Cage said he talked the guy into leaving so he wouldn't call the cops and that he never pressed charges.  He said the man had mental issues.  Weird because I thought anyone who entered Nic's house was never the craziest person under the roof.  If it was anyone else but Nicolas Cage, I'd believe it but this is Nicolas Cage.  He probably just woke up in his mirrored room again.

Oh baby!  Megan Fox, 25 years old, said that she wants to have children one day but only when she has enough money.  I wonder how much money she made for doing Transformers but I can guarantee it was more than 90% of Americans will make in their entire lives.  If she's waiting to make more money than she's currently making then she's going to be waiting a long time.  Twice the amount of $0 is still $0.

Madonna was at the Toronto Film Festival this week as well.  Before she went to her press conference she had to walk down a hallway where many volunteers were working.  Madonna had some of her assistants enter the hallway and ask the volunteers to turn away from her and face the wall so Madonna could pass.  Oddly enough, the volunteers complied.  Funny story, when I was in college one of my roommates saw Madonna walking at a museum.  He made eye contact with her and then he turned to stone.  I used him to prop open my dorm room door during open dorm hours.  See my college was pretty conservative and members of the opposite sex could only visit my dorm room on Friday evening 7PM to midnight, Saturdays noon to midnight, and Sundays noon to 5PM.  Oh and Madonna made a video to explain how she feels about hydrangeas.  At this point, it's not about the flower but about Madonna getting 15 more minutes of fame.

Louis C.K. turned 44 this week.  I love this guy not in a romantic way but in one of those "I really enjoy his work" type of ways.  Here's his youtube page.  You should check out some of his work.

Lindsay Lohan and her mom, Dina, went out partying last weekend and some people tweeted about their actions.  A photographer hired by the event she was attending took Lindsay's photo and she wasn't having any of it so she threw her drink on him and when the drinks weren't enough she started throwing empty glasses at the photographer.  A girl apparently got hit by a glass and was bleeding and they had to call paramedics to take her away.  Yep, same old Lindsay.  Prison didn't teach her anything.  And I should mention why Dina is in running for mother of the year...her daughter Ali just appeared with a new face.  Dina remains adamant that Ali is just going through a growth spurt and hasn't had any surgery or isn't suffering from an eating disorder.  Dina finally relented to let Ali enter the modeling world and she comes out changed after two weeks.  Maybe Dina Lohan is the beast mentioned in the book of Revelations.  Another story popped up that said Jason Sudekis and Lindsay were groping each other.  Well they were spotted at a restaurant and Jason started throwing peanuts at her and Lindsay returned the favor and then they tried to throw them in each other's mouth.  After they succeeded Jason got up and hugged her and left.  Hmmm throwing nuts in a girl's mouth?  Sounds like how I tried to pick up my last girlfriend.  Didn't work for me but then Jason Sudekis has been in more movies than me.  Also, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.  Sam Ronson announced that she planned on marrying her girlfriend Erin Foster.  Lindsay was livid and started texting friends and calling Sam to immediately return her call and messages.  If Lindsay is upset that Sam is getting married it's obvious that she isn't over her yet.  I'm wondering what does Samantha have that has kept Lindsay Lohan interested after all these years.  Her fingers must have more magic in them than Harry Potter's magic wand or maybe Sam orgasms cocaine.  Now that Sam's off the market, Lindsay will need to find something to fill the void.  I'd recommend a vibrator.

Well here we see Lindsay and Dina Lohan celebrating Dina's 49th birthday.  Yeah, it's no wonder Lindsay has issues.  Oh and that boy...I think he's Dina's 15 year old son Dakota.  Yep...MOTHER OF THE YEAR!

Here we see Lady Gaga...more like Labia Gaga...trying to score attention.  You better look shocked at her wardrobe.  LOOK SHOCKED RIGHT NOW OR SHE'LL NEVER GO AWAY!  Why did I call her Labia Gaga?  Well if you zoom in enough you can see that she finally put those rumors about her having a penis to rest.

Kirstie Alley claims she has lost 100lbs.  Here's what she told Entertainment Tonight: "I've lost 100 pounds. I feel like I'm back in my element and not wearing a suit, a bad suit. And I honestly didn't even realize what I looked like too much. Right before I did Dancing with the Stars, I bought these dresses in size 14 to 4, the same dress, and I said, 'You know what I really want? I really want to be in this dress in a 4.'"  She didn't really lose the weight but was sucked out of her and put into jars and labeled as "lube" and put in the men's saunas at the Scientology Center.  She says she lost all the weight because of the Scientology approved weight loss system called Organic Liasons, the weight loss system that she created.  Guess she had to create her own weight loss system after the Jenny Craig didn't work out for her and also since Scientology banned members from using Jenny Craig.  Kirstie Alley was invited to be a celebrity guest at a 9/11 memorial event in Long Island last weekend.  They sent a car to pick her up at the airport but Kirstie was having nothing with that car.  She wanted a helicopter to pick her up and land in the middle of the celebration.  She almost canceled because they wouldn't send her a helicopter.  Remember this was a memorial service and not a party.  Remember that part in Jurassic Park where they lowered the cow into the velociraptor cage.  They should've done that.  Who does she think she is?  President Obama? 

Kate Gosslein hates you.  She was on the Today show and said this in reference to her husband Jon suggesting that she get a normal career and focus on the kids: "Well, it's a situation where Jon may be accepting of mediocre for his kids and working a regular job. I want the best for my kids and the best opportunities not unlike every parent. I think that to be a good parent is to work as hard as you can and give them the best opportunities in life, and this has provided that.  I think at this point, the best opportunity for all of us would be me continuing on TV as a way to provide for my kids. Something that’s exciting and challenging for me has been TV, and I wouldn’t be opposed to it."  Translation: "I want the best for me and only me, forget about my kids.  ME ME ME ME ME ME!  I can't go back to the Dress Barn."  Now, how can you still like her?  Well Kate went to the only place that where you can offer acceptable apologies...TWITTER!  Here's Kate's wisdom: “2clarify re ‘mediocre’ – I meant this job is not a career acc 2 jon but tv is 4 me & is hard but will prov best opps 4 my kids vs nursing!” A twitter follower said this: “So, because my husband and I aren’t on tv constantly like @Kateplusmy8 , we’re only providing a “mediocre” life for our daughter?” Here's how Kate replied, “That’s not wut I said @all. Was responding 2jons comment only re ME getting a ‘normal’ job–which would not work$ bc I hav 8!”  So when she said mediocre she meant living like us is horseshit because she's special and has been on TV which is a career albeit with completely unreliable income for a mother of eight, but that’s where child exploitation comes into play and then it’s all free, fancy vacations and money for fancy clothes.  What's so hard to understand?  I bet it's because you're some mediocre simpleton.  I also think Kate has a future as a Tweet writer for the stars.  That was painful to read.

This is a GREAT idea.  Remember when I joked about Justin Bieber getting Selena Gomez pregnant?  Well it may actually happen soon.  In an interview this week Justin Bieber said that he wants to be a young dad.  A horny 17 year old boy who wants to have kids?  Yeah, that will end well.  A person close to Justin said that he has babies on the brain and all he talks about is having children with Selena.  Justin's mom was 17 when she had him and Selena's mom was 15 but everyone is worried that a baby would crush their meal tickets careers.  They are young and stupid and the only way they could be more likely to have a kid is if they moved to Mississippi and changed their surnames to Spears.

Here we see Johnny Depp dressed as Barnabas Collins for the new Dark Shadows movie directed by Tim Burton.  You know, I'm iffy about this movie.  I loved Dark Shadows but I'm sort of getting sick of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton.  When I first saw this photo I thought they got Johnny to star in a movie about Michael Jackson.

Yep, Jeremy Piven did that.  He walked around L.A. with his Emmys in a stroller and one of those baby hangers on his chest.  He's sort of like Sacajawea only more narcissistic and with more hairplugs.

Last week Beyonce announced that she was pregnant.  People rushed to say that this would be the first child for both Beyonce and Jay-Z but a 9 year old boy in Trinidad would beg to differ.  About 9 years ago a model in Trinidad named Shenelle Scott gave birth to a son.  The person who people thought was the boy's father got a DNA test and it turned out that he wasn't the father.  Shenelle said the only other person she slept with at the time was Jay-Z.  Shenelle Scott wouldn't comment but friends said that the boy looks just like Jay-Z and he supposedly paid her $1million to keep silent.  I think we better call Maury.  So to recap, Jay-Z knocked up a model, he paid her $1million to shut her trap, another guy was tricked into believing he was the father.  Wow, that sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. 

Wow, breaking news, George Clooney and new piece Stacy Kiebler were spotted in public together and ALMOST holding hands.  You know it's been rumored that they have been dating for some time and this is the first time they were spotted in public together.  If I was dating her, I'd be on top of her for the first 6 months of the relationship.  I'd be like one of those fish that attaches itself to a shark and lives on the shark.  Do those fish jack off onto the shark?

Did you know it's extremely difficult for me to select photos of Coco to post in the round up?  Do I focus on her ginormous rack?  Do I focus on her ginormous ass?  Well how I about I focus on both.  Sweet Lord!  Ice-T is a lucky man.  Not because he has a woman with alleged artificial enhancements but because he has someone who loves him...sigh...off for a lonely fap.

Christina Hendricks...oh man oh wow oh Lordy!  I can't say anything intelligent here because all the blood has flowed out of my head.  I think she's going to tip over.  Lordy.  Did you hear she has large breasts?  I couldn't believe it.  This should be on all the news networks.  It'd be better than most of the crap they cover now.  Boobs.  I hear her bras are engineered by a master alien race.  The bras allow her breasts to breathe while they are above their normal atmosphere level.  Oh Lordy!

A few issues ago or maybe it was last week, I reported that Disney actress and the girl who gave head in The Social Network, Brenda Song, was pregnant by Trace Cyrus, Miley's older brother.  Brenda's mother released a statement this week saying that Brenda was not pregnant and that she made the whole thing up and that Brenda was raised better than to lie.  It didn't say she was never pregnant but she could be just not pregnant anymore.  Well I don't know how to feel about that other than I'm happy that there won't be another Cyrus in the world.

This is Andy Whitfield.  He played the titular role in Spartacus: Blood and Sand.  He had to withdraw from the series last year because of lymphoma.  It was managed but it came back and Andy passed away this week at the age of 39.  Such a sad and tragic loss. 

Britney Spears showed off her crazy face in London.  Why hello old friend.  It's been a long time since we last saw you.  I've missed you.  Want to go light something on fire and watch it burn, pal?  Oh yeah, we're gonna have some fun.

Amy Winehouse would've turned 28 this week.  Such a sad loss.  I've really ended this thing in a poor way.  Sorry.  Anyway a video was released this week to coincide with the anniversary of her birth which featured her singing a duet with Tony Bennett.

The Situation is an asshole.

This may be the greatest thing the Kardashians have ever been a part of.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

So I am back with another edition of lukewarm links.  I had a pretty uneventful night other than my mom asked me to work on making all these forms for her.  I am so happy to know that I have designed official forms for a hospital.  I'm the man.  She then asked me if I would accompany her to the town compost heap.  Apparently she doesn't like going out there at night and she wanted to get rid of apple peelings.  I picked apples and gave them to her and she made me 3 gallons of cinnamon applesauce.  Anyway I get out to the compost heap and the thing is steaming.  It's pretty chilly around here.  I covered up my herbs with blankets.  Well enough about me...link time.

1.  I've never been much of an X-Men fan.  I've pretty much just seen the movies and a few comic that my roommate in college read.  Well I found this list of the worst X-Men.  I wish some of them made the movies.

2.  Do any of you remember old school Taco Bell?  Like Taco Bell back in the mid-80s?  I vaguely remember the old Taco Bell when it wasn't a soulless cube of a restaurant.  Well here is a collection of photos from a 1980s Taco Bell.  I miss the old Taco Bell but as much as I dislike the new Taco Bell it's way better than Taco John's.

3.  One thing I've always enjoyed in watching stand-up comedians is how they handle hecklers.  I remember going to a comedy club in Minneapolis a few years ago and there was a heckler in the show and he caused the comedian to leave the stage.  That comedian should've watched these videos of how comedians handle hecklers.  Ari Shaffir...if you ever have time you should check out his videos as The Amazing Racist.

4.  I love photobombs.  I have also taken to loving celebrities.  Now you can imagine my orgasmic delight when I found celebrity photobombs.  My favorites there are John Lovitz, John Mayer, Christopher Walken...hell they are all great.

5.  I'm thinking of painting my house and garage and I haven't determined what color I'm going with.  Then I found this paint.  We live in such an amazing world.  Too bad I can't afford to do my whole house in that.  Maybe I'll just paint my back porch that color that way when people come and I'm not home they can leave a message.

6.  Do you have what it takes to enter the world's most exclusive website?  I don't but maybe if they see my facebook page with 6...count them...6 followers then they'll let me in.

7.  I wasn't alive back in the 60s but my parents talk about the hysteria in the cold war especially after the Cuban Missile Crisis and how people built bomb shelters.  I think the new craze will be 2012 shelters.  In fact we can rejoice, a porn company has announced they are building a bunker to ride out the supposed 2012 catastrophe.  Oh sweet, there will be porn in the future.

8.  I haven't heard any mention of this on Xanga but I think there used to be this Save the Boobs campaign.  So I don't know what that has to do with this but here is a collection of unusual bras.  Bacon bra...girls, get bacon bras.  They will lead to excessive amounts of foreplay.

9.  I haven't heard any mention of this on Xanga but I think there used to be this Save the Boobs campaign.  Maybe that religious restaurant should get some celebrities to help with the campaign.  He could ask these celebrities to help.  Here is a collection of the 20 biggest celebrity boob teases.  Christina Hendricks...please.

10.  I have spent way too much time at this site, Drunk Athlete, preparing for the NFL season.  Looks like a lot of NFL players were preparing for the season by getting drunk.

11.  You know a good way to tell if a movie will be good or bad?  It's if there is a butt in the promotion poster.  Here's a collection of booty in movie posters.  Surprsingly not all of these movies were blockbusters.  Maybe it's just if I will like the movie.

12.  I used to love hanging around Yahoo Answers because it made me feel better about myself.  I'm not as stupid as some people out there.  Well here is a Tumblr site documenting that stupidity.  Remember, folks, one day some of these people will be in charge of this country.

If you haven't yet, read my NFL All-Criminal Team, Haikus, and Terrible Tattoo Thursday posts.  Also you can "like" me over at the Facebook if you have one of those things.

This made me laugh for minutes on end.

Why must we do this to our pets?

Don't worry, shit only comes out of her mouth.

I don't always make the number one spot on the Megan's Law sexiest offenders list but when I do this is the outfit I wear.

And I keep telling myself I should be happy but a few of those things aren't happening for me so I don't live a fairy-tale life.

Have a wonderful time!

Here are some more horrible tattoos.  A big thank you to the Xanga Team for fixing the photo uploading feature.  You guys are saints for putting up with my bitching.

All the ladies love it when he lies.

His neighbors never quite figured out why they heard "TELL A LIE!  TELL A LIE!" coming from his house late at night.

Well I'm scared.

I was thinking of showing this one on Caturday but I would love to pet kitties every day of the week.

I think if I had this model it would've made biology class more interesting.

This one is simply called "The Angry Dragon".  It doesn't burn fire...well it does after he enters the cave of Paris Hilton.

Tribal band and tribal penis tattoos?  ULTIMATE DOUCHEBAGGERY!

This is one of Steve-O's tattoos.  I also think that shows how some people feel about their country.  I know I get a chub when I look at the Statue of Liberty.

Isn't this tattoo the truth?  But why tattoo running genitalia on your thighs?  No entertainment can come of that.

I bet he'll one day be a senator or even president.

The psychiatrist asked me what I saw here.  How many penises can you find?

Another lovely butterfly tattoo...don't you just love the antennae?

A self-stimulating tattoo...he had to be drunk.  I wonder if that is to scale...why did I just think that?

So she's eating a creamsicle and it's gotten all over her face.

Wow, look at those grapevines. 

Look into my eyes...or maybe not.

But don't all men revolve around vaginas? 

I bet her family was proud.

OH MY GOD...I have an irrational fear of zipping up and getting caught in the zipper.  Thanks, There's Something about Mary...but this...THIS...oh my god.

And this is what getting a penis tattoo looks like.  It looks rather painful.  I'm also surprised there aren't more magnifying glasses involved.

Don't I have issues
I should really be locked up
Straight jacket for me

I'm American
The only cure that I need
is even more pills

Zoos can be much fun
Single moms bring their children
Single moms need fun

A water closet
To a Wisconsinite is
The great outdoors, ja!

My love life is dead
Much like Martin Luther King
But I'm not that free

I woke up early
Weeding blueberry bushes
Oh sweet, blueberries

Love lives are haikus
They are short and long and short
Just like my penis

Haikus can be fun
All of the time and each time
Tumblr is not fun

The Pro Billiards League
My balls need to get in holes
That's innuendo

It's interesting
because it's the spice of life
not coriander

Haikus in German
Ausgezeichnet but too hard
I'll stick with English

The lake at nighttime
One can hear the bugs humming
Over the silence

Winter, we don't speak,
But spring brings me back to you
Autumn leaves fall like me.

Snow falls heavenly.
Blanketing the earth in white.
I repose in thought.

I see you drivin’
round town with the girl I love,
And I'm like, fuck you

I see you drivin’
round town with the girl I love
and I’m like, fuck you

In the moon you fly,
only to be lured away.
The candle flickers.

You're all indifferent.
Post-industrial mindset.
America in decline.

With work tomorrow,
I await the rise of the sun.
I don't give a fuck.

The trees are bleeding
Their leaves have covered the ground
Where we shall return

Collective conscience.
You're all fucking slaves to me.
Solace in groupthink.

Winter Battle dawns
Snowblower is ready, OH FUCK
Starter cord snaps in two

I should go to bed
My television interrupts me
God damnmit pawn stars

My penis itches
A prostitute gave me this
Doctor tomorrow

Fleshlight seemed cool
Does not alleviate sadness
It’s fucking plastic

Ungh. Oh sweet Jesus.
Gotta take a wicked shit.
Ungh. Oh lordy. Shit.

I killed a hooker.
Said my dick was "mangina"
Just like Uncle Joe.

Haikus can be fun
Not everyone can write them
Eat watermelon

Bravo, I like this
Haikus can be really fun
Orange elephants.

I love the haiku
I am the haiku warlock
yours is much better

I need to write more
Xanga revolves around it
Haikus and drama

Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs
boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs
boobs boobs boobs melons.

winning at winning
I'm writing winning haikus.
women still hate me.

This is a rabbit.
It was born to fuck non-stop.
Too bad it's not straight.

Wow bitch, you scare me
I need to get away now
Oh crap Im so screwed

my penis rages
at the sight of this lady
goddamn, I'd hit it.

I'd take my cum hose
and fill her with my man-juice
I guarantee it.

my glasses shatter
why do you do this to me
my nutbladder broke

I've had it with these
Motherfucking snakes, on this
Motherfucking plane

yes i hope they die
and they deserve to burn
I am Sam Jackson

it'll get you drunk
hows it taste muthafucka
this is how i talk

Captain Obvious
Is that you? You still fucking
fail, again, die please.

watching while you sleep
you sleep with your mouth open
which is convenient

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER
FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE
I GUARANTEE IT

girl, eating her lunch
suddenly drenched by manseed
flash mob bukkake

stretching, chunky pain
maybe we need more butter
mmm corncob assplug

i pulled up to the
house around seven or eight
and yelled to the cab

homes smell you later
then i looked at my kingdom
i was finally

there to sit on my
throne as the prince of bel air.
Will Smith still sucks dick

loving you is hard
but not as hard as Slayer
that shit fucking rocks

Birthdays are so fun
Why did my friends leave early?
Stillbirth party hat.

I had killed a man
he had a wife and two kids
I slept peacefully

we are going back
to potatoes to get my
fucking power wrist

She never forgets
to clean up after herself
Because I beat her

She don't move around
She don't make a single sound
Necrophilia!

salty taco bell
three dollars for a whole meal
my farts are drippy

George W Bush.
Santa declared terrorist.
North pole genocide.

I eat the mushroom,
I become a man, so tall!
I'm a shit plumber

An in-call stripper
Makes virtually no noise
When stuffed in the fridge

A Big Mac, some fries
Oral sex from a hobo...
Things that cost a buck.

Unhooking the bra,
The moment of truth...oh no
Bologna nipples!

worker bees can leave
even drones can fly away
the queen is their slave

This is Major Tom
Captain, something has gone wrong
Send help; Major Tom

God, Fucking magnets
How do they work, Fuck this shit.
Ima just go troll

refrigerator
antidisestablishment
so many elephants

My alligator
he is like shining gold sun
gives me big hard on

You wrote a haiku
I am known to dabble too
Sex sex sex sex sex

these haikus are good
I try to write some haikus
Green Bay Packers win?

Yes, the Packers won!
They are America's team
Drink beer and eat cheese

Haters gonna hate.
Art thou furious broski?
They see me rollin'

I like poetry
Especially my haikus
I need to write more


I saw this on the Secrets post and I was all like...AWESOME...but think I was like ONCE?  I bet it was past tense because of all the masturbation jokes and creepy haikus or they saw the true me in my vlogs...sigh...please tell me who you are.

This really made my day.  I hope this post didn't repulse you even with the necrophilia haikus.

I will never forget.  I just need to know who you are.

So I  will keep posting Caturday posts...AS LONG AS YOU TELL ME WHO WANTS TO GIVE ME A BLOW JOB!

Someone hates their job.

They really have run out of ideas in Hollywood.

You lost to a girl.  You mad, bro?

I am so addicted to winning and writing haikus.

and in case you want to troll...remember, I have a crown.

Have you ever wondered if white supremacists hate zebras?

When a bum asks to bum a cigarette does he say, “Will you me me a cigarette?”

I’m trying to avid political jokes simply because they are too easy sort of like Bristol Palin.

OK, one…my idea of a tea party debate is when I get my girlfriend really drunk and try to get her to open her mouth and let me dunk my nuts.

I was reading up on my mythology this week and was excited to read the chapter about the mythical creature that is the girlfriend who eagerly wears a jersey her boyfriend gave her and watches football patiently without asking questions or complaining about how my farts really smell and I need to lay off the spicy food.

Beer before liquor, you’ll never be sicker.  Liquor before beer, I’m sorry I put a hole in your wall and punched your dad and set your refrigerator on fire.

I took a bite out of a cookie expecting it to be a chocolate chip cookie but it was raisin.  That was the biggest Shamylan twist of my life.

A recent study found that houses built in 2010 were 650 sq. ft. larger than houses built in 1980 and that is because people are 650sq. ft. larger today.

A study recently found that an apple a day is not a proper substitute for health insurance.

The board game clue is being upgraded with a Casey Anthony edition.  She did it with a chloroform rag in the car’s trunk.

The stock market is going down faster than a prostitute who just got paid.

The NFL approved players’ personal salutes for the tenth anniversary of 9/11.  Most players were expected to wear special gloves and shoes.  The NFL stepped in before Plaxico Burress could deliver his one gun salute.

Texas A&M is set to leave the Big 12 Conference.  BYU has expressed interest by arriving at Big 12 headquarters on their bikes and knocking repeatedly asking for a minute of their time.

I think the new movie “A Dolphin’s Tale” is a reworking of “A Bronx Tale”.  Chaz Palminteri was replaced by a dolphin.  The dolphin has more charisma.

My girlfriend loves it when I share a bubble bath with her.  She just doesn’t like it when I share my own bubbles.

Guys, if a girl invites you to her house to “watch a movie” at her house and you actually watch a movie then you are a failure as a man.

If you think God moves in mysterious ways then you should see how I move after I see a spider.

Have you ever seen someone jogging who doesn’t look miserable?  Why bother if it’s not going to make you happy?

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I’m working on inventing an ice cream sandwich that doesn’t look like you’ve been playing with shit after you’ve finished eating it.

People tell me I should try stand-up comedy but I’d probably be so nervous onstage that I’d piss all over the place and the audience but that could be good because I’d be a Gallagher/ R. Kelly hybrid comic.

I think Blow Pops were originally marketed for girls with daddy issues.

Did you know girls poop?  I didn’t and now my world is upside down.

If I ever have kids, I’ll force them to wear Crocs if they ever tell me they hate me.

Is the lady who delivers your food to your table at Burger King considered a waitress?  I think it’s classier to say I banged a waitress instead of I banged the lady who brings food to your table at Burger King.

Most of my knowledge of the female orgasm comes from the one time I saw When Harry Met Sally.

To all the ladies who have propositioned me over the years here on Xanga…yes, I will have sex with all of you.

“You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.

I’m trying to help Xanga start a new marketing campaign and I’m submitting two new slogans.  First: “Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”  Second: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

I wish I could ctrl alt delete some Xangans.

AOL is in talks to purchase Xanga.  They want to merge so all their users can have one place to gather.  This will double the amount of users to 48.

*This is a re-post of something I wrote last year for the anticipation of the NFL season.  My anticipation was dulled this year because of the lock-out.  I was going to post this Sunday but I stayed away from Xanga for the most part because I didn't want to deal with 9/11 drama.  Anyway, enjoy.*

A lot of people are getting pumped up for the NFL season and are compiling their favorite stars.  I thought I would join the craze but my team would be my favorite criminals of the National Football League.  I guess NFL players are aggressive because it's part of their job but too many are aggressive off the field.  I think my roster would be a pretty damn good team although we might not be able to play a full season because of suspensions.  I am truly amazed at how easy it was to create this team.

Offense
Quarterback: Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers, alleged multiple sexual assaults.  I was thinking of a good, quarterback that could start for my team and Big Ben was the first to come to mind.  You know he lured those women into the bathroom stalls by saying, "Hey, wanna find out why they call me Big Ben?"  I could have went with Art Schlichter but one criteria was "good" and then I could have went with Michael Vick but the other criteria was "quarterback".

Dishonorable mention: Rhett Bomar (DWI...in Mankato, no one gets away with DWI in Mankato) Brett Favre (Vicodin addict and sexual harassment), JaMarcus Russell (arrested for possession of Codeine),

Running Backs: O.J. Simpson, Buffalo Bills, alleged double murder, burglary.  No list can be complete without the juice.  If you don't understand why O.J. is on the list, listen to a Jay Leno monologue.  I'm pretty sure he does an O.J. joke once or twice a week.

Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, drug dealing.  He ran for 2000 yards like O.J. and then served time in prison like O.J.  I don't know which was worse, prison time for dealing cocaine or ending his career with the Cleveland Browns

Dishonorable Mention: Marshawn Lynch (DUI), Larry Johnson (domestic violence), and Lawrence Phillips (everything under the sun)

Wide Receivers: Donte Stallworth, Cleveland Browns, manslaughter, DUI.  Poor Donte.  He was drafted by the Saints and has played for New England, Philadelphia and Cleveland.  He got drunk and hit a pedestrian in a cross-walk in Miami.  He was suspended 4 games.  Michael Vick missed about 2 seasons for fighting dogs.  Hmmm.  Anyway, Stallworth now plays for the actual all-criminal team, the Baltimore Ravens

Rae Carruth, Carolina Panthers, murder.  Rae shot his 8 month pregnant girlfriend.  She called 911 and said what happened.  She slipped into a coma and died.  Luckily her child was saved and delivered via c-section.  Rae has 18 more years to go on his sentence.  I wonder how Roger Goddell will handle the suspension when Rae asks for reinstatement.

Dishonorable Mention: Plaxico Burgess (felony gun charges), Brandon Marshall (disorderly conduct, domestic violence), Matt Jones (cocaine possession), Santonio Holmes (disorderly conduct, marijuana possession) Koren Robinson (DWI, reckless driving, fleeing police, driving without a license...arrested by one of my former student's dads)

Tight End: Mark Chmura, Green Bay Packers, sexual assault.  He tried to play Hot Tub Time Machine with the babysitter only she got younger.  There's a funny rumor about who the girl was...a daughter of a former Milwaukee Brewer.  Now Chewie can be heard on Madison's ESPN Radio covering football and calling high school games.  Ummmm...anyone else scared about that?

Dishonorable Mention: Daniel Graham (Harassment)

Tackles: Nick Kaczur, New England Patriots, illegal painkiller possession.  He's Canadian.  We should have seen this coming...just kidding just kidding.

Cornell Green, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, domestic abuse.  After winning the Super Bowl with Tampa Bay, he beat his wife with a mop handle.  Maybe he was watching Toxic Aveneger.

Dishonorable Mention: Jamal Brown (domestic abuse and battery)

Guards: Nate Newton, Dallas Cowboys, drug possession.  In November of 2001, Nate was arrested with 213 pounds of marijuana.  5 weeks later he was arrested with 175 pounds of weed.  He is now a born-again Christian.  Here I thought he would have joined a Rastafarian community.

Todd Burger, Chicago Bears, horrible cliche.  Burger was arrested in part of an illegal gambling operation.  He was the enforcer and muscle for a group that was taking bets over the internet.  Who would have thought a washed-up former NFL player would be muscle for the mob?

Dishonorable Mention: Kareem Mackenzie (DUI), Chester Pitts (evading arrest in motor vehicle)

Center: Barrett Robbins, Oakland Raiders, attempted murder.  Barrett is probably best know for, just days before the Super Bowl, disappearing winding up in the hospital and being diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.  That was probably the most normal part of his off-field antics.  He was in a brawl and tried to kill someone but he was shot three times.  He has also been in and out of jail for substance abuse.

Dishonorable Mention: Jeremy Bridges (assault)

Defense
Defensive Ends: Leonard Little, St. Louis Rams, manslaughter, DWI.  In 1998, Little got behind the wheel of a vehicle while drunk and killed a woman in a car crash.  He served no jail time but was suspended 8 games.  Michael Vick spent nearly a year in prison for dog fighting...hmmmm.  In 2004, Little was arrested for DWI.  So every 6 years he likes to get behind the wheel so we better be careful out there.

Alonzo Spellman, Chicago Bears, disorderly conduct.  He battled bi-polar disorder.  I remember one instance when he went off his medicine and was spotted riding a bicycle down a Chicago freeway. He had his face painted and dyed his hair blonde.  He was on a flight and began screaming that the plane was going to crash.  What if he was right and he saved them because he forced the plane to land because of his behavior?

Dishonorable Mention: Terrell Suggs (aggravated assault), Shaun Ellis (marijuana possession, speeding, driving without insurance)

Defensive Tackle: Shaun Rogers, Detroit Lions, gun possession.  Apparently no one told Rogers that people can't bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo, box cutters, hammers, and loaded .45 handguns on planes.  Well he got busted for trying to bring the gun in his luggage.  In his defense, he was trying to leave Cleveland.

Tank Johnson, Chicago Bears, gun possession.  Is it any shock that a guy whose name is Tank is charged with gun possession?  They found a loaded handgun in his car at a nightclub.  While on probation he was charged with assault and resisting arrest.  Then police found 6 weapons in his home including 2 assault rifles.  They also found pot.  There is nothing...I repeat...NOTHING as exciting as getting high and shooting an AK47.

Linebackers: Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants, rape.  L.T. was an interesting player.  He would routinely send hookers to the hotels of the opposing team and he was a coke fiend.  This year he was arrested for rape of a minor.  He claims he paid this girl so he could masturbate in front of her.  Sadly, this isn't the most embarrassing moment of his life.  That would be his stint on Dancing with the Stars.

Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, double murder, obstruction of justice.  Ray and two of his friends got in a fight with some other guys and those two guys were stabbed and died.  Ray had no clue who his friends were when questioned by the police.  Later on, he was sued by the family of one of the dead men.  For a guy who claimed his innocence he sure gave out a lot of money and signed quickly.

Leroy Hill, Seattle Seahawks, domestic violence, marijuana possession.  Last month Leroy was investigated for violence and his team ordered him to stay away from training camp and suspended him from a couple games this season.  This is why Seattle will never win a Super Bowl.  All Super Bowl teams need a crazy linebacker.  The Giants won a Super Bowl with Taylor and the Ravens won one with Ray Lewis and in the dishonorable mention Jonathon Vilma won with the Saints and Antonio Pierce won one with the Giants.

Dishonorable Mention: Jonathon Vilma (reckless driving), Antonio Pierce (animal neglect, charged but not indicted in the Plaxico Burress gun scandal)

Defensive Backs: Darryl Henley, L.A. Rams, drug trafficking.  While with the Rams, Henley was charged with drug trafficking.  In response, he hired contract killers to murder the trial judge as well as a key witness.  He got 41 years in prison which is over a 500 times longer sentence than Donte Stallworth received for actually killing someone.

Pacman Jones, Tennessee Titans, being Pacman Jones.  This guy has to be the MVP of this team based on his sheer stupidity.  He is also the only member of this team that was a professional wrestler during an NFL suspension.  He also has served no jail time which is a shocker but then O.J. Simpson didn't spend any time in jail prior to 2008.  It's just a matter of time.

Jermaine Phillips, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, domestic assault.  Phillips won a Super Bowl in 2002 along with my tackle Cornell Green.  I guess winning the Super Bowl does weird things to people.

Donte Whitner, Buffalo Bills, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest.  He should also be guilty of being the biggest draft bust on this list.  He was at a party in Cleveland(what is with Cleveland) and the party broke out into a riot.  Whitner would not come quietly so the police had to Tase him.  That's probably the most electrifying moment in his career.

Dishonorable Mention: Ricky Manning Jr. (felony assault), Ko Simpson (obstruction), Deltha O'Neal (DWI)

Special Teams
Kicker: Jeff Reed, Pittsburgh Steelers, disorderly conduct.  Reed was in a bathroom at a Pittsburgh convenience store and was so upset that the paper towel dispenser had no towels in it, he ripped it out of the wall.  he was also arrested for public intoxication after a win in Cleveland (where else).   I guess you could classify his crimes as being "Jersey Shore".  Maybe Reed was trying to get his own reality show...Crazy in Cleveland.

Dishonorable Mention: Sebastian Janikowski (DUI, assault, vandalism)...I really wanted to put him at #1 but Reed had the Cleveland connection.

Punter: Todd Sauerbrun, Chicago Bears, DUI.  Sauerbrun was also charged with missing a court appearance but the craziest story in his off-field career is his link to a steroids investigation.  That's right, an NFL punter was possibly taking steroids.  I guess he wanted to be the most physically dominating player at the position that requires the least amount of physical strength in the NFL.

My prediction for the 2011 season: The Green Bay Packers will go undefeated and Aaron Rodgers will be the league MVP with 5000 yards passing and 55 touchdown passes. Clay Matthews will be able to play at full strength because he won't be playing on a broken leg this year and teams will punt on first down so they won't have to worry about blocking him.  The Packers will win the Super Bowl and I invent time travel so I can go back to the 90s to have sex with Bjork.