9/11...there.  I was going to re-post my post I did on the topic 2 years ago when I was fed up with all the people talking about how it was staged by the government because we know people on Xanga are experts at everything.  I laid blame for 9/11 solely on Jeff Tweedy.  If you connect the dots it's there.  Anyway here's stuff.

USA USA USA USA US...ugh

YES!  She really is a Cobain fan.

Somebody was off a month.

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

In the eyes of the angel

That's what they all say around here.  You don't want to hit one with your car.

Just imagine 50 years from now all the grandchildren discovering their grandmas' nude photos.

Paula Deen approves.

The SpongeBob sextape was seriously lacking any aesthetics.

We should strive to be more Christ-like.

And for no reason here's a boring vlog.

#caturday The Badgers sure beat up Oregon State.  $10 bottomless beer...$7 all you can eat hot wings...a free shot each time the Badgers scored...god I love this state.  Too bad I spent that much money.  A friend told me a bar closer to my house had all you can eat appetizers for $5 and all you can drink beer for $5.  Anyway I'm excited for this season.

And now to your regularly scheduled cat photos.

OK, so what is the connection between the female genetalia and the beaver?  I know I used the title to garner traffic but I never quite got the connection.  When I was in high school, I played against a team that was known as the Beavers.  We would sit in the locker room before the game screaming, "We're gonna eat some beaver meat."  We beat them all of my years there.  Anyway, I'm just a celibate old man so I don't know all the slang saying the kids toss around now a days.  Is it because beavers like to chew on wood?  OK back to basking in the glory of another Badger win.

Well here it is, another round-up.  I really have nothing witty to say here about my life.  Just another day and more library fines.

Hey, look, someone gave Richard Simmons a pearl necklace.  I haven't made much fun of Richard Simmons but I saw a few stories about him this week and it was basically just that he was making appearances to show he was still alive.  He used to be pretty big and he always made me think that he was the Tooth Fairy's more flamboyant and fabulous second cousin who slaps you in the face every time you try to eat a donut and then forces you to dance to oldies.

This is Rachael Taylor.  In this photo she is filming a scene for the remake of the television series "Charlie's Angels".  I think I may have to watch this show.  All these shows that are premiering this fall are looking hot.  I'm going to have to stock up on hand lotion before the season begins.

Last weekend, Jersey Shore resident, Pauly D reportedly made $100,000 for deejaying a party in Las Vegas.  $100,000 and he didn't have to do anything gay.  You can't fault the guy for chasing the American Dream™ or having MTV supply you with a constant supply of alcohol and cameras but for that amount of money you could book someone for your party that has more appeal, someone like Carrot Top or AIDS.

Remember Soulja Boy?  He's desperately trying to stay relevant.  A few months ago there was a story that his publicist leaked that claimed he bought a $30million jet.  It turns out that wasn't true and that Soulja Boy doesn't even have that amount of money.  Thank god.  Well he has found a new way to keep people talking about him.  This time it's his new song "Let's Be Real".  Here are a few of the lyrics: "Fuck the FBI and the army troops. Fighting for what? Be your own man. I'll be flying through the clouds with green like I'm Peter Pan."  Oh that should be put in a book of beloved American poetry right next to Robert Frost and Maya Angelou.  Apparently some soldiers got wind of his lyrics and started harassing him on Twitter so Soulja Boy had his publicist issue a statement: "As an artist, I let my words get the best of me. Sometimes there are things that we feel, things that we want to express, and when we put them on paper and speak them out loud, they can come out wrong.  When I expressed my frustration with the US Army, not only did my words come out wrong, I was wrong to even speak them. So, I write this to give my sincerest apology to all members of the United States military services, as well as their families that were offended by my most recent lyrics. As a young man who grew up in the post-9/11 era, I have watched our country fight two wars that seem like they are never going to end. I have seen thousands and thousands of our brave men and women get killed in battle and often times, I think for what?"  I was following him until he said he was an artist.  Somehow I doubt he even knew we were at war.

OK here's some real music.  Roger Waters turned 68 this week.  This guy might be one of the greatest minds in music.  I have never been displeased with anything Waters has put out.  Sadly I will never get to see the original Pink Floyd ever again.

Freddie Mercury would've turned 65 this week.  It's always sad when I think of what his career could've been if he didn't die of AIDS.  I don't know if he would be still singing or doing duets with today's stars.  I think he probably would retire and just live out the rest of his days comfortably with his cats.  I am really looking forward to the movie about his life staring Sascha Baron Cohen.  They start filming soon.

And because every movie is leaking photos from the set, here's a look at The Avengers.  Leaked movie set photos are the new celebrity sextape.

Paris Hilton announced that she is trying to become a DJ and wants to be the best lady DJ in the world.  She is supposedly studying under David Guetta but of course Paris does a lot of studying under numerous guys.  Going to clubs and dancing on a coke high is not how you become qualified to be a DJ.  It takes years of practice, god-given talent, and the power to convince Lindsay Lohan to go down on you....see Sam Ronson is supposedly the best lady DJ in the world.  You know, that isn't funny if I had to explain it.  Sorry.

This week Olivia Munn was at two events.  The first even was a charity golf outing.  She put on a bikini and played some golf to raise money for children who have suffered burns.  God bless you, Olivia!  Will you marry me?  If I look at that photo any longer my pants are going to get tighter and I'm going to suffer from fabric burns.  She then went to Puerto Rico where she participated in the Annual Hollywood Domino Gala & Tournament.  Do you see Dancing with the Stars in her future?  I figure she'll be on that show within 2 years, have a sextape released in 4, and she'll be doing hardcore porn in 6 years.

Did anyone watch Dancing for Relevancy this week?  I think Nancy Grace wore this dress because she wanted Casey Anthony to chloroform herself.

Speaking of Nancy Grace's meal ticket...Casey Anthony is supposedly going to move to Mexico.  She supposedly met a wealthy man who owns property in Mexico and because she's constantly receiving death threats she's going to move to Mexico and become a Mexican citizen.  So she wants to start a new life with a sugar daddy south of the border?  Did you hear that drug cartels?  Wink wink nudge nudge say no more.  She obviously didn't get any news while she was locked up if she thinks it's safer in Mexico.  That place is like the Wild West except with more killings and less cowboys.  So the moral of the story is if you're a girl in her 20s and you have nice boobs there's a rich guy who is willing to whisk you off to a tropical paradise even if you murder your daughter.  College is for suckers. 

Michael Moore became so fearful after his 2003 Oscar speech that he hired a team of security guards.  They weren't your average bar tough guys but they were former Navy SEALs.  I suppose he had to hire them because we all know Hollywood is a hotbed for Republican extremism.  He should've hired a team of nutritionists to help him train so he could fight off anyone that tried to fight him but then that wouldn't help if he faced a gun nut.  Still he should be worried less about gun nuts and focus on staying away from nutty chocolate bars.  And I'm one to talk.

Well this is going to end well.  Mel Gibson has had a project green-lit by Warner Brothers.  Mel wrote a screenplay about Jewish hero Judah Maccabee.  In case you don't know who that is, he was a Jewish warrior who led a revolt against Antiochus IV, took over Jerusalem, and restored the Holy Temple.  His victory is now celebrated as Hanukkah.  Mel has said he doesn't know if he wants to have a role in the movie or direct.  He just wrote it along with Joe Eszterhas.  Hmmm that may be interesting because Eszterhas gave us such classics as Basic Instinct and Sliver and Showgirls.  To me, the equivalent of this would be if Michelle Bachmann dropped out of the GOP primary to make a documentary about Robert Mapplethorpe.  Rabbi Marvin Hier said that putting Gibson in charge of a movie about a Jewish hero would be like having a white supremacist in charge of a movie about Martin Luther King Jr.  Like I said...this will not end well.

Madonna proved once again this week that she is not a bitch to be messed with.  She had this to say about Lady Xerox: "Of my fans? Say what interests me with the eyes of Wally, is to arrive at the truth about drilling Wallis Simpson. And realize that nothing is all white or all black. True or False. Life is gray. And you can not lock someone in a box. As for Lady Gaga, I have no comment on his obsessions related to me, because I do not know if it is based on something profound or superficial."  Yes, that was a pretty mangled translation because it was translated through Google because Madonna spoke it in French.  I want more of this.  MORE!  Maybe it will make Gaga go away.  I just worry about Perez Hilton.  His loyalty is going to be called into question.  Does he love Madonna or Lady Gaga?  He's torn...and not his rectum.
Madonna was also bitchy this week when it came to flowers:

She hates hydrangeas.  At first I thought she was handed a baby's head on a stick.  If you want to give her a gift, stick to things she likes like chocolates, the blood of virginal youth and brooms.  Just make sure any broom you purchase is right-handed because they drive on the other side of the road in Britain.  A representative issued this statement: "She's entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn't want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers."  Yeah, that's pretty sarcastic.  The ball is in your court, Gaga, let's see how you can out-bitch Madonna.

Lady Xerox went makeupless for the cover of this magazine because that is so edgy.  This looks like one of those photographs they'd show to kindergarteners to teach them about inner beauty and then once they would go out to recess the kindergarteners would stage a fight club and hurl insults at each other saying they looked like the lady in the photo.

Guy Ritchie, Madonna's ex-husband, welcomed a new child into the world this week.  His girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy.  No word on the name but that hasn't deterred Madonna from plotting revenge.  18 years from now she plans on dating Ritchie's son just to get back at him.

Hurricane Irene...Hurricane Katia...earthquakes...the economy...Lindsay Lohan is pissed that she's not a media darling so she took off the bra and got out the ice cubes.  She got my attention.  I think the reason she looks so confused is that right before this photo was taken, a homeless guy yelled at her to get a job.

On the left we see 15 year old Ali Lohan in 2009.  On the right we see 17 year old Ali Lohan in 2011.  I think the Lohan family plastic surgeon hates them because that new face looks awful.  Ali's modeling company had this to say about the allegations that she had plastic surgery to get a new face: "Contrary to recent reports, I can confirm that Aliana Lohan has not had any surgery. As a young girl who is growing up, it's natural for her facial features to change slightly, and we see this with many of the younger models we represent. Aliana is a beautiful 17-year-old girl who is growing into her face and body, as is the norm for someone of her age. We take pastoral care of our models very seriously and encourage the models to maintain a healthy lifestyle and body shape."  Dina Lohan is going to win mother of the year once again.  Her mother said that Ali was going through an awkward stage and just grew out of it and this is how she looks.  This isn't an awkward stage unless awkward stage means your mother is a cokewhore and your plastic surgeon is farsighted.

I may have to find where Vanessa Hudgens lives.  This week some teenage boys got themselves a nice show and in some hot water.  She was sunbathing topless in her backyard.  Even though she has a very private backyard there is a balcony on the neighbor's house that can see right into her yard and some teenage boys got a ladder and climbed up to the balcony and watched her sunbathe.  Vanessa heard them and covered up and ran inside.  The saddest part of the story is that the boys got figured out because they were standing on this balcony and were whistling and laughing.  If they didn't do that then they could be getting a free peek of her goodies for years to come.  Now if they want to see her naked they will have to do what the rest of us do and search the internet for her nude pics.  Just don't tell her lawyers.

Ray J has said that he's all for the idea of Vivid Entertainment selling his sextape with Kim Kardashian to a "private party" just as long as he gets a piece of the money.  He agreed with the head of Vivid that $30million is a good price and because Ray J holds a copyright on the tape no transfers of ownership can be made without his approval or in other words, he's gonna get PAID!  Ray J doesn't want that tape off the market because it's the only thing people know about him.  He made a song about having sex and no one listened.  He had a TV show on VH1 and no one watched.  If he didn't want to be connected to the tape he should've been content being known as Brandi's little brother.  Now a porn site, pornhub, has come forward and said they want to buy the tape so they can host it on their website for free.  They are willing to pay $5million for the tape.  They said that $30million is way too high and the DVD market is dying and internet porn is where it's at.  Why would anyone pay that kind of money for a sextape featuring Kim Kardashian?  If you want to see her orgasm just stick a camera in her face and take a few photos. 

Oh look at Kelly Osbourne leaving the public restroom where she just took a massive dump.  And look at that outfit she's wearing.  That's some retro Kelly Osbourne right there.  I posted this photo.  Are you horny yet?

Now that Kate Gosslein's child exploitation show has been canceled she is freaked out because she thinks she will go broke.  She claims she doesn't want the kids to suffer and not have things that they have already experienced.  She said that she wouldn't be able to live her lifestyle if she did 12 hour nursing shifts 7 days a week.  Apparently she spends $500,000 a year on 2 nannies, 2 housekeepers, an assistant and a bodyguard.  She also once spent $2000 on a single haircut.  Bitch, please.Save some cash and strap a bowl on your head.  Her house cost $1.3million and she spends $500,000 a year on her kids' private schooling.  Then that's not including all the shopping sprees she went on which people don't know if it was paid for by TLC or by Kate.  So this woman who has a litter of kids so she could get her own reality series so she could be handed bags of money is now out of a job with an empty sack of money and a litter of kids she can't afford.  Who knew that a TV show could get canceled?  I think her back up plan is that once a year an angel descends from heaven to hand her a big bag of money.  I think that Kate better look at getting her kids new jobs.  They are just the right age for her to start her own clothing line and have them do all the stitching.  It's either that or working for Nike.

John Travolta was spotted by the paparazzi enjoying some french fries.  It looks like he's had a lot of practice doing that.  You should really see him eat corndogs and chug vanilla shakes.  I think he'd fit in good with Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann.

A story was leaked earlier this week that Jessica Simpson was going to get a breast reduction surgery.  She supposedly wanted to go from her DD cup to a C cup and was willing to postpone her wedding until she was just right.  If she got rid of those massive melons what would be the point?  Don't worry, she's not going through with a reduction surgery.  She tweeted this: "Been getting lots of questions about this alleged breast reduction...not to worry...I LOVE MY BOOBIES!! They aren't going anywhere!"  Of course she loves them because they got her fame, fortune and her current fiance.  Her cutting off her breast would be cutting off her money flow.  That would be like if Ron Jeremy or myself cut off our dicks.

Carpenters unions are one of Jay-Z's problems.  He has been doing renovations at his 40/40 club and he didn't hire union carpenters so the union has been outside his club protesting.  This week things got heated and the carpenters were hurling racial slurs at Jay-Z.  I think they need to rethink how they get hired.  The only job where it's feasible to use racial slurs in the hiring process is Grand Wizard of the KKK.

This is Jason Biggs.  Remember him?  His wife took this photo and posted it on Twitter.  You know, as much as I dislike the American Pie movies, I'd rather watch him banging the pie than see this.

Jane Fonda was asked in an interview what her greatest regret in life was.  She responded that she regretted that she never got a chance to fuck Che Guevara.  You know an easy way to cure that?  Just get a random guy that you find attractive to put on a Che Guevara shirt that you can buy for $20 at TheCheStore.com and pretend that it's actually Che fucking you.  Yeah, that seems pretty outlandish.  No American has an imagination anymore.

The cast of Home Improvement reunited this week.  It's nice to see that they could all get together once again.  They all reunited on Jonathon Taylor Thomas' 30th birthday.  It's lucky he was able to make it.  He had to get a couple people to cover his shift at Denny's.  What was the name of that one movie he was in where he went around doing good for people?  Oh well, I ask him when he returns with my onion rings.

Eddie Murphy is supposedly going to be the host of the next Academy Awards.  The producer, Brett Ratner announced it this week.  Remember the last time Eddie was at the Oscars?  He lost the best supporting actor award to Alan Arkin so he stormed out because no one could be as good of an actor as Eddie Murphy.  How dare someone else win?  I guess it can't be worse than the debacle last year saw with James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosting.  This is such a great idea.  This is a night that recognizes the best in the film industry and the show will be produced by the guy that gave us Rush Hour and the host will be a hollow shell of his former self.  Who better to introduce someone like Colin Firth or Meryl Streep than the donkey from Shrek?  Oh and the opening number we'll have to see Eddie in the fat lady suit singing "Party All the Time" while being accompanied by a choir of animals.  No wonder I don't watch the Oscars.

If only Billie Joel Armstrong of the "band" Green Day wore this outfit when he boarded a flight this week then I wouldn't be writing about him.  He's 39 years old and a flight attendant asked him to pull up his pants because his ass was exposed.  He threw out some harsh words so she asked him again and he said he just wanted to sit down.  They should have tasered him and dragged him off that flight for looking like a fool with his pants on the ground but he left quietly.  I totally hate that people dress like that with pants hanging off their asses but that is a slippery slope.  Are the flight attendants going to tell people that their shirts are too tight and they have manboobs so they can't fly the friendly skies?  Or you're too ugly to be on our plane?  At least he didn't opt for wearing his pants like this.

I love Coco but I really wonder what it sounded like when she tried to put that latex dress on.  It had to sound like a family of raccoons fighting over old food scraps that were pulled out of a garbage can.  Oh well...still fap-worthy.

I hope everyone has a swell weekend.

So the Packers won.  It was such an incredible game but I am proud of myself.  I still have all my fingernails.  I had misgivings about why the Packers wasted a draft pick on Randall Cobb because they have a pretty deep receiving crew and then he goes and returns a kick-off 108 yards.  Sweet fancy Moses on a pogo-ball!  Anyway I was a little conflicted tonight because I always loved going to Saints camp as a kid and being able to do some workouts with them when I was in high school but then the Packers are the Packers and gosh I love the Packers.  I'd do anything for the Packers.  Who could forget Vince Lombardi, Bart Starr, Paul Hornung, Mike Holmgren, Reggie White, Gilbert Brown, LeRoy Butler, Brent Farf?  Anyway time for links.

9.  I was supposed to post this one a while back after Nicolas Cage was in a major public freakout but I guess I never got to it.  Here's a collection of movie freakouts that would rival Cage's.

7.  I used to post a lot of article from Cracked in this post but I strayed from that because I think most of my readers got to that site on their own but this one made me laugh.  It's a collection of 8 actors who look the same in every movie poster.  It's just so amazing when they are all put together.

2.  It seems like whenever I see someone on Xanga or Facebook write about Netflix it is always negative.  I've often wondered if Netflix really cared and if they did what would they say.  Well here are some fake letters from Netflix to their customers.  I'm thankful I don't have Netflix because I think if I did they'd ask why I've rented Showgirls every day.

8.  School started this week and I remembered all those years ago when I would take a lunchbox to school if they had something I didn't like.  Most of the time it was when they served something like hot dogs or ham.  The hot dogs had this awful taste and they looked green and the ham was just horrible.  Anyway I got to thinking of what I had in those lunchbox meals.  It was usually a sandwich some processed meat.  It was so nasty and I've rambled long enough so here is a collection of nasty lunch meat products.  Macaroni and cheese loaf actually sounds tasty.

3.  Now that the NFL has started I've wondered how many of you care and if you do care what is your most hated team.  So what is your most hated team?  Here's is an article from S.I. about the hateablity factor of all the NFL teams.

5.  And because most everyone is back to school, here's a collection of Back to School fails.  Number 10 made me laugh so hard because I had a teacher do that.

11.  Last week I posted a quiz for college football helmets.  This week's quiz is complete different.  You have 11 minutes to name the 100 greatest bands according to Rolling Stone to their hits from the 500 best songs according to Rolling Stone.  I aced that one as well.  GET TO IT!

6.  In my last celebrity round up I talked about rotary phones and felt so old.  I was surfing around looking for rotary phones and happened upon this page of a girl who turned a rotary phone into a cell phone.  I WANT!  That would look awesome on my belt.

12.  I can't remember if I shared this website last week.  It's stuff that looks like Jesus.  I am so going to start looking for Jesus in random objects just so I can sell them on ebay.

4.  Since we are about to be bombarded with campaigns for 2012, here's a list of athletes and whose campaigns they contribute to.  I find it interesting to see who is Democrat and Republican.  Who would've thought that most black athletes contribute to primarily Democrats and their causes and white athletes would contribute primarily to Republican campaigns and causes?

1.  In 2006 a bill was passed that required Wisconsin to maintain a database of delinquent tax payers on the internet.  Here is a list of the top 100 based on how much they owe.  Look at #1 and remember how he said he needed over $7million a year to play basketball so he could feed his children.  No wonder he needed so much money, he owes Wisconsin so much in taxes.  I also love looking up my towns to see who I know that owes.  I'm always surprised.

10.  I think I've found a viable 3rd party for the 2012 election.

These are for @Cestovatelka

Packers win!

If it wasn't for the Bucks, this state would be so full of win.

And here is that vlog I promised.

And I wonder how many friends I will lose by the time I wake up tomorrow.

I think this may be the most disturbing set of tattoos I've posted...wait, no, I didn't include the angry dragon tattoo.  Yikes.  Wow, last year I posted an extremely NSFW edition...PATTERNS ARE AWESOME!

I don't get this tattoo.  I'd much rather look at a plain old vagina than the phallic symbols but at least they're classy and united by a butterfly.

Yep...I'm thinking you'd have to be quite devoted to the pagan cause to have your anus tattooed.  What would happen if he converted to Christianity?

I'd feel weird being with her because I'm not into kissing dudes.

Well...no thank you.

Mario likes going down on a pipe?

I guess we know what she thinks of backdoor antics.

I just don't know...I really don't know.  At least the tattoo has a message.  It appears as if she is giving herself a breast exam.

I think that guy should get his nipple checked out.  I don't think they're supposed to be that big.

Mama Bear makes a wonderful cupcake...wait a minute.

I always had my suspicions.  Leave Bert and Ernie alone and let's out Barney and Fred.

No wonder Mario ditched Yoshi whenever he could.  Mario obviously doesn't dig inter-species relationships.  He'd rather just go down pipes.

"Daddy, what does your tattoo say?"  "Please swallow."  "What does that mean?"  "It means you should drink all your milk."  Honestly I need to start investing in tattoo removal services.

But but but...on the neck?  You can't find sexual pleasure there.

Overcompensate much?

If Ed Gein had tattoos this is what he would've had.

Oh yeah, he's a hooligan.  The tattoos one finds at a NASCAR event.  I swear most of these probably were found at a racetrack...sorry, NASCAR fans.

Pooh Bear is going to be upset when he finds out you used his honey as lube and Mickey Mouse will be pissed to find out Goofy was in his honey pot.

I think this is pretty much what I see when I think of Twilight.

Ladies, beware.  This is a tattoo PSA.

I think this may be my favorite because of what it is referencing although I don't understand the inclusion of the penis but oh well, off to go watch Dr. Strangelove.

I'm sorry, but I warned you.

Last week I re-posted something I wrote about my least favorite comedians.  I finally remembered why I wrote those lists.  It had to do with Mancouch.  They had a list of their favorite comedians and most all of them were people they liked based on their movie or TV work, in fact one of the entries was a character on a show and most of the comedians were people that came to fame within the past 5 years.  Anyway, here are my favorite comedians in no particular order.

Rodney Dangerfield

What can be said about Rodney?  Nothing really...even in death he gets no respect.  I guess I love his humor so much that it has rubbed off on me in a wrong way.  He comedy was very self-deprecating and it spanned topics from his birth to school to married life.  His material may not have been believable, but you laughed at it.  Rodney didn't like wearing clothes and he sometimes would perform in nothing but a bathrobe.  My dad said that he saw Rodney perform in L.A. once upon a time and said, "He has the biggest balls in show biz."  I hope he meant that by performing in a bathrobe he was going against the establishment.  Rodney also gave so many popular comedians their break by letting them appear in his clubs, some of those comedians are: Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Carrey, Roseanne Barr, Jeff Foxworthy(I may not like him but he is relatively popular), Tim Allen, Sam Kinison, Rita Rudner, Andrew Dice Clay, and Bob Saget.  One of my favorite Dangerfield quotes: "One year they asked me to be a poster boy - for birth control."  And how many people on that mancouch list could pull off a Triple Lindy?

Bill Scheft

I wonder how many of you have heard of this guy.  I guarantee most of you have heard a Bill Scheft joke at one point in your life or at least between the years 1991 until present.  He is the head writer for the David Letterman show.  He has also written humor articles for Sports Illustrated.  He's written numerous books, a couple of which are in treatment for films.  I tried to stay away from the late night talk show hosts for these lists because most of their jokes are written by someone else and Letterman's someone else is Bill Scheft.

Sunda Croonquist

Sunda is a comedian who will have you arrested if you don't laugh at her jokes.  Originally she was a police detective and when not keeping the streets safe she took acting classes.  Jackie Mason told her to pursue stand-up.  Sunda has an African American mother and a Swedish father so the jokes come naturally for her.  Here's part of her act: "And there is a lot to laugh at because when you’re a Swedish and Black Jew, growing up looking like a Puerto Rican and your mother gives you a Hindu name and sends you to an Irish Catholic School….you’re bound to be funny. But of course the funny doesn’t stop there…..being married to an attorney with an overbearing Jewish mother in law and two precocious daughters under six makes this comedian different from all others. She’s the ultimate “Diverse Diversion” ….she relates to being African-American. She relates to being a Jewish Princess….she has all these experiences that come together to make her the story of America."  Now that Jewish mother-in-law, she led to problems for Sunda.  Her mother-in-law filed a lawsuit against her in a U.S. District Court because she claims that Sunda is defaming her and her family and that her act is racist against Jews.  Sunda had no clue about the lawsuit until she was at an audition and they asked her to explain the lawsuit.  Sometimes the truth is the best material that comedians can work with.

Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt started off writing for Mad TV.  I enjoyed that show, I'll admit it.  He's been in almost every medium.  He voiced a character in Disney's "Ratatouille", he played Spence on "King of Queens",  he lent his voice for a character in "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas", he's had great selling comedy albums, he's been in music videos, and he has a starrign role in "Big Fan".  And I can never forget his role in Reno 911: Miami.  Shit...I am doing the mancouch thing.  Patton's material is hilarious and covers politics and video games, basically a wide variety of nerdom.  Along with Brian Posehn, Zach Galifinakis, and Maria Bamford, they toured with the mocking title "The Comedians of Comedy".  My favorite quote: "90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on. "

Woody Allen

Say what you will about his personal life, but damn it, Woody is funny.  He is so witty.  He wrote for The Ed Sullivan Show, The Tonight Show, and Candid Camera.  Sometimes the movies he wrote felt like a stand-up routine.  My favorite Woody Allen movies both are "documentaries" and both have the feel of a stand up routine: Take the Money and Run and Sweet and Lowdown.  Some of my favorite quotes: "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.", "Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.", "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.", and "I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.''

Dave Attell

People say that Dave and I have a lot in common.  We're bald or balding, drunks, and often get mistaken for being Jewish.  Dave often did stand-up with John Stewart and then he got his break by appearing on the David Letterman show.  Then he wrote for Saturday Night Live, the the god years with Chris Farley.  He also dated the hottest comedian, Sarah Silverman but they broke-up and she went on to bang other comedians.  I think Attell is best known for his show on Comedy Central called Insomniac.  He went around a city exploring things that happen after hours.  He is just off the wall in his performances.  I remember one where he talked about what to do if you are ever caught masturbating.  You yell at the person who catches you to "GO GET HELP!"  My favorite quote besides the one I mentioned: "Sex is not important. What's important is that afterward part. When you're both naked and it's warm and you're watching the sun come up in the windshield. You look in her eyes, you look in her one good eye and help her strap on her leg and you know: you just fucked a pirate."

David Cross

David Cross, this guy is hilarious.  He grew up in the suburbs of Atlanta where he claims to have experienced much racism because of his Jewish heritage.  It makes for great bits in his routine.  He went to college in Boston where he began working in improv and stand-up.  He recalls that the stand-up scene in Boston was too homophobic and racist and dumb.  Guess where Dane Cook got his start?  Cross wrote for The Ben Stiller Show and then was a star and writer for Mr. Show.  Mr. Show gave him his break and he has been everywhere.  He has written books and released comedy album.  His albums "It's Not Funny" and "Shut Up You Fucking Baby" may be some of my favorite comedy albums.  His most recent book contained an author biography that said "David Cross is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn".  He also had the audacity to hope(see what I do here) that he could get away with doing a line of cocaine at a White House dinner.  He did the line 40ft from the president and was not caught.  Oh and if you want to see David Cross at his funniest, do yourself a favor and look for the movie "Run Ronnie Run".  Also check him out in the TV series "Arrested Development".  It's no longer on FOX but I am catching it on IFC.  He played a psychiatrist who was a licensed analyst and therapist making him a licensed analrapist.

Jerry Seinfeld

Do I really need to write anything here?  No.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller is one of the pioneers of female stand-up comics.  I think without her, many women we consider funny wouldn't be known to us.  Too bad all her work gave us Kathy Griffin.  She got her start while working as a secretary at a TV station.  The host of a show thought she was funny and persuaded her to try out her routine.  She made an appearance on the show and then was booked by a comedy club and the rest is history.  She is still funny today at the age of 92.

Honorable mention: Mitch Hedberg and Nick Swardson mostly because they are from Minnesota but Hedberg really brought back people to stand-up.  Stephen Wright, Roseanne Barr, Wanda Sykes, Sarah Silverman, Janeane Garafalo, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Dave Chappelle, Don Rickles, Wendy Liebman and oh the list could go on but I figure I already put you to sleep.

My favorite comedian on Xanga?  That would have to be jestiny1.  Look at that person's comment on my Least Favorite Comedians list the first time I posted it and know that whoever it was started a Xanga account just to write that.  Talk about dedication to the art of comedy.

Who is your favorite comedian?

I just want to throw some props out to all my Amish friends reading this from their battery powered computers or their iPads.

It really sucks being single and into BDSM.  Masturbating while wearing handcuffs is not fulfilling.

I really wish I could find a woman who said I’m her knight in shining armor so that at night I could make her spit-polish my lance.

Looking at all those photos of Suicide Girls has made me rather depressed.  I think there needs to be a Suicide Prevention Girls porn genre.

It’s amazing how watching porn will show you how empty and meaningless your life is.

I think the reason why the Republicans don’t have a great candidate is because they have just thought, “Screw it, the world is ending in 2012 so why bother.”

I guess I’m racist.  I was running in a 5K this weekend but I could only finish 3K.  Lies, I couldn’t run 3yds.

Attendance at mosques in America is rising mostly because of all the FBI and Homeland Security informants.

Kraft announced that it’s cutting the amount of sodium in Velveta by 10%.  Sadly they are taking 10% off the most healthy ingredient in Velveta.

California is the 50^th ranked state in business creation.  The only 2 businesses that are popping up are moving companies and foreclosure lawyers.

Madonna recently said that she identifies with Lady Gaga because she can’t sing, write, or act either.

A study recently found that if men are more involved in childcare it may damage a woman’s self-esteem.  This could potentially hurt 3 women in America.

A study was released that found if men started balding by age 30 they would have a 40% lower chance of developing prostate cancer and a 75% lower chance of getting laid.

It was difficult to watch TV this weekend.  It was either golf or tennis so my choices were sucking on a tailpipe or watching Mythbusters.  God that Kari Byron is hot.

I was at Walmart recently and I saw a lady in line try to purchase shampoo and a scratch off lottery ticket.  She couldn’t buy both so she put the shampoo aside and bought the ticket and scratched it off and won $50.  I felt angry because I was going to buy that ticket.  She needed the shampoo more.  She had bugs and dandruff in her hair.  So now I will only go to Walmart to buy fishing lures and cashews and toilet paper and skin moisturizers and beer and canned spaghetti.

The highlight of Labor Day is when a man in a three piece suit climbs down the chimney and wakes you up to make you pull his finger.

If I’ve done one thing in my life that’s right it’s that everything I did was wrong.

Now that it’s after Labor Day I’m going to tell everyone I meet to have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Do you know how many wives I've had over the years?  Plenty.  At least pretending to be married so an underaged girl can drink doesn't mean I have to pay alimony once the night is over.

I found a photo of my mom who was pregnant at the time holding a can of beer and smoking a cigarette while standing next to a microwave.  THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

Business idea #391:  a store that only sells three things…AXE body spray, self-tanner, and chloroform.  It will be called The Jersey Store.

Business idea #392: STD Clinic right next door to wherever the Jersey Shore cast lives during filming.

Business idea #393: I want to start a group like the NRA but it would be for sex toys.  I wanted to call it the NSTA but the National Science Teachers Association got pretty pissed because they don’t want to be associated with the sexless because they have it hard enough already being science nerds.

Ladies, if your boyfriend only wants to have sex with you in the doggystyle it’s not because he likes your ass but because he doesn’t want to look at your face or hear your constant talking.

I hate when people don’t look me in the eyes when they talk to me.  Staring at my junk makes me feel like such a piece of meat.  I now know what girls with boobs feel like.

“Ladies, it’s after Labor Day so you have to stop wearing bras.” –godfatherofgreenbay if he was a fashion expert

You haven’t been tailgating until you tailgate at a Wisconsin Badgers’ game or a Green Bay Packers’ game or in the parking lot of a Wisconsin Walmart.

If I was a Transformer I wouldn’t turn into a car or plane.  I’d turn into Broolyn Decker's or all female Xangans' vibrator.

I wish I was as funny as some of you think I am.

Most of the time I have a difficult time reading Facebook because I get creeped out when I see former high school classmates and think, “I can’t believe I used to masturbate to her.”

What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back: “No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise.

If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

“I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons

Wow, I had an excessive amount of masturbation jokes this week but you have to give me a benefit of a doubt because in my case that’s relationship humor.

I've made a few mentions of working on a project the past week.  I was working on a church float for my town's Labor Day parade.  The last three years now we've had a float in the parade.  The theme 3 years ago was Fishers of Men.  We had a few kids on the float who acted as fishermen and what not.  Last year our theme was Blossom in God's Love. 



All those "flowers"...all folded by hand.  They were tissue paper.  You take a few sheets and fold it accordion style and then tie a pipe cleaner around the paper and the fold it out.  I can't teach art.  Anyway I could make one of those with my eyes closed.  I can't remember how many of those we made but there were so many man hours involved.  I think there were a few nights when I went to church from 7PM to 11PM and just worked on making flowers.  In the flowerpots are the fruits of the spirit and the watering can on the cross represents God showering us with whatever you think God showers us with.  We won for best religious entry and the grand prize entry.  No money, just trophies.

This year's theme was "God's Word is Our Treasure"

See that...this was my project.  I worked with a guy on those "treasure chests".  He took some old plywood and put some old wood paneling on the sides and glued some ropes for the handles. He put a false bottom on the inside and then propped it up at an angle.  Well I spray painted a bunch of poker chips, huge novelty pennies, shower curtain rings, and some cups I found at Dollar Tree.  I glued in a sheet of gold paper and hot glued the pennies, poker chips and some gem stones to the sheet of paper and then we laid in the cups, beads, shower rings, and a crown inside.

Here's the others:





They really gleamed so I had to take my flash off.

Here's an upclose shot of the treasure chest.

That's the guy acting all secretive.  We had it parked in the shade so it wouldn't sparkle so we could work on it.  Also notice we re-used the flowers from last year.


That's what it looked like in line-up.

Matthew 6:21...the flowers sort of block it.

And in case you couldn't make it out, we put a crown around the cross.

After the parade I went to 3 cook-outs.  I was only invited to 1.  This family next to the church was having a cook-out and they were grilling up some brats so I just walked over and had a couple and then the pastor had a cook-out for his family and I drank some of his fancy beer...a smoked rye ale...damn tasty.  Then I went to my parents' and ate pulled beef sandwiches.  After lunch my aunt wanted to go for a ride so we took off and went out to see the countryside.



We even came across some Amish working.  They don't observe Labor Day but then every day is a labor for them.


That kid was totally wearing wrap-around sunglasses.  How can those not be considered technologically advanced?

They were cutting wood and I can only presume that the wood would be used to make a barn.

They even had the kids out mowing.

Can anyone tell me what this building is?  Hint: it was located at the end of a driveway.

I came across a Catholic church in a small town, population 25, that had a tree in front of the church.  It had this little sign in front of it.

A local grocery puts this up and people flock to the store but when I hang that sign outside of my house I get arrested for prostitution.

I love it here.

He's not only seen dancing around on a football field but he'll show up at your wedding rehearsal.

He'll also show up to the wedding reception and make everyone jump around.

He'll protest your budget repair bill.

He'll make little kids sing about him.

He'll teach you how to Bucky and force the men's head basketball coach to shake his butt on camera.

He'll make the inebriated student section count while he does push-ups.  He's surprisingly fit for being a giant badger.

He'll jump into a lake during the winter to raise money for Special Olympics.

He'll take you children and make them do the polka.

He'll do the Lambeau Leap.

He'll bring a band to your apartment complex and make drunks sing the school's alma mater.

He'll distract your children in their classroom.

He'll race sausages.  Yes, sausages.

He'll make sure the Badgers have another dominating season.

...to get myself a beer and then some sleep or maybe I'll make a phone call first right after I post this. #caturday

Have a great night and a bang-up finish to your weekend.