I thought since there is all this focus on breast cancer and female Xangans are posting photos of their breasts, I would take a second and post a photo of my balls.

So here they are, my balls:

Like I would really post a photo of my testicles here on Xanga.

This is a story from a few years ago when I had a close call with what I thought was testicular cancer.  I felt a sharp pain in my groin and it went away so I thought nothing of it.  Anyway about two weekends later I was sitting around on a Friday night and I decided it was time for a self-examination of my testicles.  So maybe it wasn't really a self-exam but screw you for judging me.  It's not like you've never done that before.  OK I'm over it now.  I was "examining" and I found a lump on Ol' Lefty.  So I freaked out.  I was so scared.  Something like that isn't supposed to happen to a 25 year old guy (at the time).  I started worrying I would never have kids and I would lose my balls and women wouldn't want a guy who has no nuts and can't produce children.  I had visitors over that weekend and I think I was a little withdrawn from them.  I had a lot running through my mind.  I just couldn't talk about it.  Honestly, who goes up to their friends and says, "Hey, John, I have a lump on my testicle.  How about those Packers?"  I was thinking of going to the pastor for advice but how would I put it.  "Hey pastor, last night I was manipulating the ship's primary firing mechanism and I found a barnacle on the starboard side."  Yeah, like that would happen.  So I went to the doctor while I was at home visiting my family.  While my parents went to the grocery store I snuck out and went to the clinic.  I almost chickened out when I saw the receptionist.  This knock-out blonde...how am I going to tell her I have a lump on my balls?  Well, I told her that I had a skin condition that the doctor needed to check out.  The doctor saw me right away which was odd because usually a nurse pre-examines and a doctor just checks out.  He came in and I told him and he looked at it and said I had a cyst.  I was foolish and just felt the lump and didn't go further into my exam.  He said it wasn't cancer because it wasn't on the testicle.  Yes he pulled my satchel to show me.  He removed the cyst with a scalpel which was a little scary.  So he stitched me up with two stitches and everything was all swell.  He said that it was good that I examined myself and when I found something I went in.  The doctor also said and I quote "It takes a lot of balls to do what you did today." Apparently most guys just shrug it off and it's too late when they find it and they might have to lose Ol' Lefty or Righty.  He also said that I should try to look at this with humor.  Yeah, I thought I wouldn't ever have kids but now I am thinking that the swelling might attract the females.  Guys feel your balls.  It's a serious issue.  I didn't even have cancer and it scared me.   Girls stop thinking about balls and examine your breasts.  Early detection is the key.  Sorry not to just focus on my balls but I do support the fight against breast cancer.  Just remember the words of Tom Green, who lost his balls:

Seriously, check yourself.  God won't strike you down for touching yourself to see if you are in tip-top shape. 

#caturday Two weeks, two games end with a 40+ yard pass caught for a touchdown.  ARGH!  The poonhound needs to quit trolling State Street for co-eds and get in the film room and learn how to coach defense.  Then my town's high school football team lost today eliminating them from the playoffs.  At least the volleyball team won to advance to the state semifinals.  Now it's time for cats.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend.

I figure I have to stop updating my last post.  I keep finding costumes and I have to post them...must stop.  Anyway, such a nice day of doing nothing.  I sat around naked and eating Milk Duds.  Ladies, I could be yours.  Anyway it's time for the round-up.

This is for @rob_of_the_sky, Weird Al turned 52 this week.   I remember my first year teaching at a Lutheran high school.  They were pretty strict about their dress code and all musical acts other than the school band were forbidden from being worn.  I was torn when I saw kids wearing Weird Al shirts because the night before there was a Weird Al concert and just hours after the concert his parents died.  I pretended I didn't know who Weird Al was.  I can't believe I denied Weird Al.  I went through a period in life where I hated Weird Al and that was because I had a girlfriend who only listened to Weird Al.  Her music library consisted solely of Weird Al CDs.  It was a little strange.  Also the only movie she wanted to watch was "The Nightmare Before Christmas".  Even though I've come to enjoy Weird Al again I don't think I'll ever be able to watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas".  Anyway #weirdalshouldfollowrobofthesky

Tila Tequila turned 30 this week.  You know how you can tell she's maturing in her old age?  She hasn't released a sex tape in at least a month.

This lovely man is Steven Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith and judge on American Idol.  Aerosmith is currently touring in South America.  While in Argentina Tyler claims he contracted food poisoning and when he got to his hotel in Paraguay he was very sick and went to shower but he had a bout of diarrhea and slipped and fell.  He knocked out two teeth and required stitches.  Aerosmith had to postpone their tour because of his fall.  I don't think his fall was because of diarrhea or food poisoning or even being drunk.  He's 63.  He should start wearing one of those medic alert necklaces.  And because I am a freak I've had the Aerosmith song "Dream On" stuck in my head but I've tried changing the lyrics to "di'rrhea, di'rrhea, wipe, wipe with me, wipe for the year, wipe for the laughter and wipe for the tear".  I'm no Weird Al. 

In case you didn't know or smell, Snooki has her own perfume fragrance.  This week the Home Shopping Network announced that they would have a two hour special for Snooki to sell her perfume and other products.  It will air November 10th.  I bet thousands of people will turn in to buy the shit as gag gifts and she'll rake in a fortune.  So what does Snooki's perfume smell like?  I'd say it's a combination of vomit, feces, urine, and desperation.  There is a cheaper way to smell like Snooki.  Step 1: Lick the inside of a dirty ashtray.  Step 2: Bathe in toilet water.  Step 3: Roll around in dog feces.  Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3 every ten minutes.  To be honest, she should be selling a product designed to prevent you from smelling like her, something I like to call "soap".

Robin Williams married his girlfriend Susan Schneider this week.  He gave her carpet burn on their wedding night from rubbing his fur coat all over her body.  This is Robin's third wife.  You know what they say, "Third wife's the charm"...because straight people have kept marriage sacred.

Tonya Cooley, middle, was on The Real World Chicago.  She was also featured on the recent season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.  She is suing MTV because of some shenanigans that took place while filming.  She claims that Kenny Santucci, left, and Evan Starkman, right, sexually assaulted her while filming.  She alleges that one night while she was sleeping, these two "men" took her toothbrush and raped her with it while she slept.  I guess that's what MTV wants us to know what happens when people stop being polite.  She also says that the cameras caught every minute of her assault and none of the cameramen nor producers did anything to intervene.  Tonya said the producers didn't tell her of the assault and they destroyed the evidence and gave her a new toothbrush.  Several other girls have come forward because they heard producers encouraging the male contestants to grab women in their off-limits parts before, during, and after challenges.  The producers also are alleged to have stolen bathing suits while females were showering or swimming nude and had the male cast members inappropriately fondle them.  Kenny and Evan never got in trouble on the show for their rape but Tonya was kicked off the show because she slapped a fellow contestant.  I don't watch reality series and this is why.  I think we need to bring all reality programming to an end because I bet this type of thing happens on other shows as well. 

Hey, Miley Cyrus was out bird watching this week.  She flipped the bird and the paparazzi watched it.  Remember when Miley was wholesome and god-fearing?  She's done a 180 degree turn.  I bet she's on her way home with that big bag of birdseed to do drugs and have sex and tape the World Series without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

Because Hugh Hefner is old and can't see too well, he offered Lindsay Lohan $1million to pose naked for Playboy.  Originally they offered her $750,000 but she refused so they threw in an extra $250K and now she's going to get naked for the cameras.  They have reportedly done the photoshoot this week so they can get the photos in the January issue and so that they will have plenty of time to photoshop the pictures.  Hustler didn't make an offer because they know that in 6 months they can buy her services for hardcore porn for a bottle of Thunderbird.  First reports said that Lindsay would be nude but her naughty bits wouldn't be visible.  Well new stories are out that she will be showing off everything because a source at the shoot said when the cameras went click, Lindsay spread her legs and showed off what it would look like if the Slim Jim man rolled around in a cave of rancid roast beef covered in a body suit made of scabs.  A check is a check and this will probably boost the pornographic economy and help Playboy recover their declining numbers.  They say it is tastefully done but that just means it's Girls Gone Wild with better lighting.  In 2005, Lohan was asked about doing nude scenes for a movie.  Here's what she said: "You’ll never see me in a nude scene.  I think there’s a way to for those kinds of things to be tastefully done and you don’t need to show that, and I don’t think that’s what is needed to win someone an Oscar.  For me, personally… I think there are other things you can do to show people that you have talent.”  It took 6 years for her to go from an attractive girl to a cracked out meth freak who'll get naked and do god knows what else for drug money.  Giving young women with drug and alcohol problems $1million to take their clothes off really sends the wrong message and can cause long term damage to the fabric of our society.  I have to go to the ATM and withdraw $40 with a $3 surcharge if I want to go to a stripclub to see women take off their clothes.  What kind of world are we leaving for our sons if we teach our girls that they need to get paid $1million to take off their clothes?  I don't know America any more.  Also this week, Lindsay Lohan's reps were approached by the good people at Fleshlight(very NSFW) hoping to sign a deal that would see Lindsay mold her vagina and Fleshlight could begin producing authentic Lindsay Lohan sex toys.  Many porn stars have molded their lady parts to make sex toys and they've made quite a pile of money.  There is no word on whether or not she is going to do this but like I said earlier, for a meth freak a check is a check and money buys more meth.  Her representatives say she won't do that but just give Lindsay two months of no work and she'll be begging to have her vagina molded. 

In other Lohan family news, Lindsay's father, Michael Lohan, was arrested this week.  He was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence and fleeing police officers.  Michael sure shows his daughter that he's a stable role model for her.  He allegedly came home drunk and high and tried to get his girlfriend to perform oral sex on him but she refused.  When she said no he went nuts.  He tried to throw her off a balcony.  So how are you going to commit murder for not getting a blowjob?  I mean I haven't experienced that bit of heaven in ages but I'd never murder anyone because I'm not getting head.  He then threw a TV remote at her, pushed her, broke her cellphone, grabbed her arms and said that he'd slit both of their wrists right there so they'd both die.  ALL BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T GIVE HIM A BLOWJOB!?!?!?!?!  When police showed up they saw Lohan on the second floor balcony trying to hide behind a pillar.  The police yelled at him to give up but he tried hiding himself better.  Police approached and he ran up a stairwell.  He was on the 3rd story balcony while police were on the second and he tried to grab onto the roof but he fell off and onto the balcony where the police were standing.  He got up and ran before police could catch him but this time he got on the roof and ran away.  He then fell off the roof and landed on a bunch of wooden chairs.  Police estimated that the fall was at least 34 feet.  Lohan then tried to climb a tree and hide from police but they removed him from the tree.  When they finally got him out, Michael clutched his chest and complained that he was having chest pain.  I wonder why.  He's running from the cops, running on roofs, falling on balconies, landing in wooden chairs, climbing trees.  That actually sounds like my playing style on Grand Theft Auto.  I've been trying to wrap my head around this story but you can't explain the actions of a sociopath.  No wonder Lindsay is messed up.  It's hereditary. 

This is Melissa McCarthy.  She's dressed as Divine from Pink Flamingos for a photo shoot in Entertainment Weekly.  I love Melissa and I love Pink Flamingos.  John Waters is so fascinating.  When I first saw these photos I was concerned that they were going to remake that movie.  How could they in this day and age when every remake has to be a big budget movie?  Would they include the dog scene?  Would they include the chicken scene?  The only person that could pull off that remake would probably be Judd Apatow.  But Melissa McCarthy...yum.

Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon took time out of their schedule of working on _____ to show off their twins, Moroccan and Monroe.  I believe Moroccan is the boy being held by his father and Monroe is the girl being held by her mother.  You know, those are cute kids.  Most of the time I think babies look like wrinkled old men in small packages with pink raccoon eyes but these kids are cute which makes me wonder how much plastic surgery Mariah's put them through.  Oh I shouldn't joke, she looks so happy.  Fuck, I'm just jealous.  Next.

Madonna was booed at the London premiere of her movie "W. E." set in 1937 about Wallis Simpson and how Prince Edward abdicated the throne so he could marry her.  Madonna also contends in the movie that Wallis and the prince were Nazi sympathizers.  Critics have absolutely panned the movie and now the English people are quite upset at Madonna.  Of course this movie was going to suck.  It was made by Madonna.  Maybe she'll come back to our shores where she can take care of her brother who is homeless.  Yes, Madonna's oldest brother is homeless and living under a bridge in Michigan.  I think if he wants her to take care of him, he should move to Africa and pretend to be an orphan.  In other news, Lady Gaga said she was going to direct a film called "E. W." and it's going to be set in 1973 and is going to be about a woman named Simpson Wallace and how she made Prince Tedward take the throne of France.  See, it's totally not the same thing.

Kirsten Dunst recently tweeted about how big her boobs are.  She was spotted in Las Vegas this week wearing a bikini.  I'm adjusting my glass and reaching for my compass and protractor from my pocket protector.  I'm also adjust my pants because they are getting tight for some unknown reason.  Well I can't say anything about her breasts being too big or too small since I have nothing to compare them to.  If any of you ladies want to help in scientific research you can send me nudes.  OK, I just want to see boobs.  I'll be upfront about it.  Please help a dying* man see his dream fulfilled.

Tyler Perry has cast a former amateur porn star named Kim Kardashian to star in one of his new church movies titled The Marriage Counselor.  It's been said that Tyler Perry was so impressed by Kim not showing any human emotion while getting plowed by Ray J so he wanted to cast her in one of his movies.  Seriously, what does he see in her?  Oh yeah, her butt, her ass, and her booty.  Kim will be the titular character and probably the tittiest character as well unless Tyler Perry decides he needs to satisfy his crossdressing needs.  Actually I think this movie will be the only movie in history where the public begs for Madea.  The movie will be about a marriage counselor who breaks her own advice and sleeps with a client only to realize she has made a huge mistake.  The only mistake Kim has made is not getting an ownership clause in her sextape deal.  A story was also released this week that Kim's husband, Kris Humphries wasn't her first choice of husband.  E! executives arranged for Kim to date another NBA player named Danilo Gallinari.  The executives told Gallinari that if he dated Kim then his career would explode but Danilo turned them down.  I think it was because he doesn't speak much English and couldn't understand all those fancy Hollywood types with their fancy talk.  This story is believable for two reasons.  1.  There is a "K" in the word "fake" which describes everything about Kim and also the Kardashian Klan is trying to copyright the letter "K".  2.  Kim wanted a husband really bad and was going to have her mother Kris do anything it took to get her one including putting out notices to every single professional athlete who wouldn't mind urinating on people.  People are upset with Kim Kardashian because they claim she's cheating in order to get her brother Rob to advance on Dancing with the Stars.  This past weekend she put out a tweet about having Justin Bieber's phone number and she posted the phone number but it turned out that it was the phone number that people call in order to vote for Rob on Dancing with the Stars.  The tweet was retweeted thousands of times so who knows how many people saw it and believed it.  I hate myself for typing that.  She later said she was joking but who can tell how many of Kim's fans are also DWTS fans.  Where is the moron overlap?  Normally, I’d say that Kim cheated and Rob should be eliminated, but then I remembered that the only people who were tricked were fans of the Kardashians, Justin Bieber and Dancing with the Stars. Namely: morons. Sure, what Kim did was completely unethical, as is pretty much everything she does, but to be fair, if you like all three of the things listed above, you should probably spend less time getting all huffy over this and more time padding the sharp corners of your house.

This is Kat Dennings and even though I dislike her show I find her to be an inspiration.  There is an average part of me that wants to go between her breasts and go ahlsdhfjklsdhsdioupewqrmasdbfublumpkin.  That is all.

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, Justin Bieber gave his girlfriend Selena Gomez a free exam.  A lot of people were upset by this and I can see why.  I once was young and many still consider me young and I love boobs but don't do that in public.  Of course I'm not a celebrity so I don't know the pressures that the media puts on you to grab your girlfriend's breasts in public but since people have called me a Xanga-lebrity or whatever I'm willing to let you ladies come over and have me grab your breasts.  Just putting that out there.  I think Selena and Justin are trying to unite Canada and Mexico against the U.S.  By the way, they were at a hockey game...dun dun dun.  This is why the U.S. should invade Canada before that unborn Mexican-Canadian John Connor can take over our airwaves with shitty music and destroys good music forever.  It shouldn't be hard to take over Canada because it's Canada.  Captain America could walk in with a megaphone and take it over.

Jessica Simpson's father Joe is trying to get a large amount of money from magazines for Jessica to reveal her pregnancy.  He's been asking for $500,000 for her to announce that she's pregnant.  Well she sort of spoiled his plans by going out in public wearing a spandex shirt exposing her pregnant belly.  Maybe she's not pregnant, maybe she just has a bloated belly from enjoying 5 too many McRibs...like me.  I love me those McRibs.

Elton John and his husband David Furnish were out and about with their son Zachary this week.  Every time I look at that photo I crack up when I see Zachary's face.  Either he's showing his displeasure for the paparazzi or he's embarrassed by his fathers or he's upset that he's been seen in that outfit.  Mittens and a porkpie hat?  Really?

Eddie Murphy tells Rolling Stone magazine that he is finished making family movies: “I don’t have any interest in that right now. There’s really no blueprint, but I’m trying to do some edgy stuff. And I only want to do what I really want to do, otherwise I’m content to sit here and play my guitar all day. I always tell people now that I’m a semiretired gentleman of leisure, and occasionally I’ll go do some work to break the boredom up.”  That may be the best career move he's made since he made Beverly Hills Cop.  Speaking of which, he doesn't want to do another Beverly Hills Cop movie but he's interesting in making a sitcom based on the movie series but have it follow Axel Foley's son.  He also talks about getting back into doing stand-up.  Man, I guess Eddie has finally wised up in his life but then you can go nowhere but up after Norbit.

Remember this guy from Saturday Night Live?  His name is Darrell Hammond.  When he did the skits as Sean Connery he did such a great job imitating Connery and even had his constant drunk slur down.  Well in his new autobiography, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked, Darrell says that the reason why he sounded drunk was because he was probably drunk.  He says that in order to go on stage he did massive amounts of coke and drank a lot of cognac.  He claims that he had a lot of traumatizing experiences as a child and that caused him to turn to drugs and alcohol and when that didn't work he would cut himself.  In the late 90s he was taken out of NBC in a straightjacket and then in the 2000s he would do a lot of coke but was creative about how he did it during telecasts so people wouldn't catch on.  He said his lowpoint came in 2009 when he was smoking crack at a crackhouse in Harlem.  Now he is clean thanks to rehab.  This has been a public service for the 99% of funny people are battling demons.  I guess this explains why Hammond did Agent Cody Banks.  A check is a check.

Last weekend Courtney Stodden and her serial killer looking husband Dough Hutchinson were escorted out of a pumpkin patch because concerned mothers thought they were displaying too much public affection.  According to Doug and Courtney they are in love and like to show that they love each.  Courtney also claims that the mothers were jealous because she is hot and they are not.  She also said that some of the complaining mothers were wearing shirts that showed off cleavage and wondered why they weren't asked to leave.  They also claim that the fathers loved her antics and that many little children thought she was a Pumpkin Patch Princess.  After they were escorted out of the pumpkin patch Courtney took to Twitter to show that she's a good Christian girl: "Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24"  I'm sure if Jesus had internet access in heaven he'd change that passage to something like "Do not judge by appearance but judge the shit out of lying attention whores."

And for those of you who were wondering, here's an older photo of Courtney Stodden compared to a current photo of Courtney Stodden.  Yeah, she's a natural 17 year old.  I can't believe she didn't start out as a clone of a Pamela Anderson sex doll.  So this evidence tells me one of two things.  1.  She's not really 17. -OR- 2.  She's had extensive plastic surgery.  It has to be one or there other or sadly it's probably both. 

Britney Spears was back in concert and she looks like she puts on a sexy show.  You know, I think she's hot although I didn't quite understand the part of her concert where she had her back-up dancers rub her bunions.  Burn all the calories you want hating on her all you want but deep down you wish you could look as sexy as her when you're holding back your farts.

An autopsy report was released this week.  Doctors determined that Amy Winehouse died of what they called "alcohol misadventure" and "accidental death".  They said her body had five time the legal limit of alcohol.  I feel bad for her.  She was so troubled but unless she was strapped down to a bed and accidentally given an IV full of vodka or fell into a vat of beer, how can that be considered accidental?

Hey look...it's before midnight.  I'm getting better at staying in on Friday nights!  Have a great weekend!

* Aren't we all dying from the moment we're born?

I'm back with more links.  I would've done this post earlier but I fell asleep watching The League and woke and watched the baseball game.  Sweet lord I hate the Cardinals.  Well I think it's more of a hatred for Tony Larussa.  Anyway, linky poos with a theme because someone suggested it last week...can't remember whoever you are.

1.  Well it's Halloween time and one of the fun thing to do is tell scary stories.  Some of those scary stories are thought to be just urban legends however some are true.  Here are some of the true ones.

2.  My local news station posted this on Facebook.  It's a Halloween light show. 

3.  The Huffington Post offers some costume ideas and how you can pull them off...that is if you want to dress like one of the GOP candidates.

4.  Here's a collection of carved pumpkins.   Some of them are just amazing.  I wish I had skills in that medium.  Hell I wish I had art skills period.
 
5.  Here are some Pokemon carved into pumpkins.  I'm not big into the Pokemon but I know some of you are.  I actually thought those were well done.

6.  Well it's Halloween and it's supposedly a creepy time of the year and people are afraid of those things that go bump in the night.  But are you afraid of celebrities?  Here's a collection of celebrities that look like zombies.  I know I will have nightmares about a few of those.

7.  Are you going out for Halloween and don't have a costume?  Check out this collection.  There are so many good ones there.  I so could pull off one of the members from #7 except I shaved my beard this week.

8.  Are you going out for Halloween and don't have a costume?  Check out this collection.  Once again there are some good ones in there. 

9.  Are you going out for Halloween and don't have a costume?  Check out this collection of offensive costumes.  I don't think I'd do any of those.  A few made me cringe.

10.  Are you going out for Halloween and don't have a costume and you have a few friends that also don't have costume ideas?  Check out this collection of group Halloween costumes. 

11.  Are you going out for Halloween and don't have a costume and you idolize professional athletes and would wear anything they suggested?  Check out this collection of professional athletes in Halloween costumes.

12.  Are you going out for Halloween and don't have a costume and have children and want to scar them for life?  Check out these awkward family costumes.

BONUS LINKS
13.  I think Lady Gaga is a cultural icon because she's been fashioned in the pumpkin art medium.  I'd rather listen to the pumpkins though.

14.  And it couldn't be a Lukewarm Links if I didn't show what a pig I am, here's a collection of girls making out in costume at Halloween parties.

I saw this costume but wasn't included in any of those collections.  The adult version is called Sexy World War II Evacuee.

Here's another costume.  I'm fairly certain if I had kids this would be a Halloween costume.

This was in one of the links above...Jewbacca.

I found this one today.  I'm sure people would get offended by that but I'd totally have sex with girl to impregnate her just so our child could wear that costume.

This is another I found today.  So clever.



Just some more pumpkins that made me laugh.

I love taking my kids to the toy store.  I drop them off and let them run wild while I go to my toy store and run wild.

I can't remember who was talking about it today in one of their 7 things but they mentioned that they drew naked women in Sunday school but reading that made me want to share this.

Have a great night.

I was hesitant to call these terrible because some of them are nice.  Maybe it's the concept that is flawed.

Zombie Axl Rose...WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE WE GOT YOUR FUN AND BRAINS!  BRAINS!

Zombie Lady Gaga...such a glamour zombie

Zombie Old Elvis...has anyone read the book series that the TV series True Blood is based on?  You'd know that Elvis didn't die and became a zombie.

Zombie Young Elvis...this debate is greater than the Young Elvis vs. Old Elvis postage stamp.  I think the young Elvis tattoo is better.  TCB?  Tattoos cure boredom.

Zombie Rob Zombie...that's sort of redundant.

Zombie Johnny Cash...I'm sort of surprised they didn't surround him in a burning ring of fire.

Zombie Albert Einstein...brains equal zombie fangs squared

Zombie Michael Jackson...hide your young boys.  He wants to get his undead hands on their brains.

Zombie Mozart...I think he's coming back to hunt down ICP and Jack White for covering his song about licking ass.

Zombie Angelina Jolie...she even looks great in tattoo form and zombie form

Zombie Judy Garland...I hear that if you look at this tattoo with Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" it totally syncs up and makes sense.

Zombie Pee Wee Herman...the secret word for the day is "fucked up".

Zombie Bob Dylan...no wonder he sang the Tombstone Blues.

Zombie Danny Trejo...this one blows my mind.  It's a tattoo of a guy who has tattoos and they even got his signature tattoo down.  AWESOME!

Zombie Benjamin Franklin...he's coming back to fly your kites, be on your $100 bills, and eat your brains.  And then he'll steal your women and be admired for decades for being one of the great Christian founding zombie fathers.

Zombie Marilyn Monroe...wasn't she a zombie in her final days?

Zombie Marilyn Monroe...that smile and the blood, she makes such a hot zombie.

Zombie Carole Lumbard...she was taken from us too soon so now she's back as a zombie.

Zombie Betty Page...I'd probably let her tie me up and eat my brains.

Zombie Audrey Hepburn...she eats brains when she has breakfast at Tiffany's.

Zombie Mae West...is that a gun in your pocket or are you going to let me eat your brains?

Zombie Ava Gardner...Howard Hughes turned her into a germaphobe, Mickey Rooney turned her into cynic, Frank Sinatra turned her into a moll...but who turned her into a zombie?

At least there's no split pea soup on his hands.

Zombie Justin Bieber...well most of his fans are zombies so yeah...PERFECT!

I hope you enjoyed.

Yeah, I have nothing so enjoy.

If I had kids I'm pretty sure I'd make them dress as Johnny Cash for Halloween.

Cowboys fans, here's your daily reminder of why Green Bay is better than you.  Also...Tony Romo vs. Aaron Rodgers...who has more Super Bowl rings?

I think the bacon craze has reached the peak.

If you're in need of a wallet and looking to save a few bucks, make yourself a duct tape wallet.

And because I'm in a helpful mood.

Awww...and that's why I want to get into Big Brothers.

And in 6 days, the beer drinking douche will emerge from his cocoon.

I guess that's why they have the warning labels.

That is a real book title.  I bet some of you are thinking, "Golly gee whiz, godfather, I don't see what's wrong with that."  Obviously I have a dirty mind.  And if you don't know check out Urban Dictionary.

When I found out you could do this at yoga, I signed myself up for a year's worth of classes.

You know, those "Got Milk" ads have gotten out of hand.

This has been going around Facebook.  I have to say I agree.  Threaten to take away a politician's health insurance or pension and then you'd see them doing their job.

So let me ask you this Mr. Teabagger, how do you plan on taking the government OUT OF A GOVERNMENT RUN PROGRAM?!?!?!!?!


These last two are for the people involved with the Occupy Movement.

The United Nations says that the world’s population could reach 15 billion by 2100 and that’s just the 5 or 6 generations from Octomom’s family.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said.  She was going on about something or other.  I think it was how I don’t pay attention to her and I said “If I want any lip from you, I’ll unzip my pants.”  So are there any single ladies out there tonight?

A study revealed that shy teenagers may have social phobias.  How can you tell which teens have social phobias?  They’re the ones who only communicate on Facebook or through texting.

Teenagers who drink energy drinks are more likely to engage in risky behavior.  The most risky is drinking energy drinks.

More and more teenagers are engaging in unsafe sex.  When I was younger, unsafe sex meant running the risk of getting caught by her parents.

Walmart announced that they were cutting employee health benefits.  I’m shocked.  Since when did Walmart offer benefits?

The best way to get a good night of sleep is not to have any kids.

A study revealed that heart disease in the United States is declining.  I think it’s because the people with heart disease are dying so they don’t get included in the surveys.

Student loan defaults are at a record high.  It’s pretty hard for the repo men to come to their houses to repossess their education.

I think the real reason that Pluto is no longer considered a planet is because NASA got sick of paying Disney’s licensing fees.

Starbucks will soon be selling beer and wine in their stores.  Apparently people are no longer willing to pay $9 a glass for coffee but they will for beer and wine.

Light travels faster than sound which is why some people appear to be bright before they speak.

100% of divorces are caused by marriage.

A recent study revealed that 75% of women say that one of the criteria for picking a spouse is that they marry a “smart man”.  The joke is on them because smart men don’t get married.

The best way to keep from mornings bringing you down is to sleep until noon.

50% of Americans support legalized marijuana and not surprisingly most of those Americans own stock in Little Debbie, Hostess, and Nabisco.

ESPN announced that Tim Tebow bought his Halloween costume today.  He will be going as Aaron Rodgers.  When asked why he decided on Rodgers, Tebow said that he always wanted to be a football player.

Ladies, you can send me all the nude pics you want but I’ll never leave my wife.  One reason is she always smells like blueberry muffins and the other reason is that she’d kill me.

The Badgers lost on Saturday.  I didn’t cry that much since I saw myself on video playing air guitar to “Forget About Me” by Simple Minds.

If you want to have some fun when one of your friends gets drunk.  Take their cellphone and switch his/her mom’s phone number with their boyfriend/girlfriend’s number.

I invested in celery futures and to help drive up my stock I’ve been calling celery “Edible Ranch Dressing Shovels”.

Since Mitt Romney is pretty much denying everything else about his life, I bet within the next couple of weeks, he’ll deny he’s Mormon so he can get the Christian Conservative vote.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Since the dollar is losing value, I’ve thought about getting back into collecting Beanie Babies.  In related news, I plan on never having sex again.

Have you ever drank yourself sober?  Me either but I keep on trying.

Remember the good old days of the History Channel when you could watch it and see shows about World War II?  Now all that’s on there are shows about pawn shops, trash pickers, aliens, and truck drivers.  HOW IS THAT HISTORY?

Ladies, bigger isn’t always better so stop with those huge sunglasses and thinking my penis isn’t adequate.

Babies are so cute when they smile, laugh, sleep, and aren’t mine.

When a woman says “come here” I never pay attention unless she’s pointing to her face or chest.

I tend to have more manners than most guys.  I introduce myself before I stare at a girl’s boobs.

Why do people say men suffer from premature ejaculation?  It’s the women who are suffering.

I’m not too picky when it comes to girls.  All I like is that they are 18 or older and I have consent.

The most popular girl in my high school class had the surname “Rimmer” but she wouldn’t get asked out on as many dates as the girl who had the surname “Hooker”.

I delete typos because I hate mistakes.  I’m glad my parents loved theirs.

Someone thought they were insulting me when they called me a Xangalebrity.  You should’ve seen the size of my erection.

Do you want more people to follow you on Xanga?  Well do it like I do.  Be sexy as hell.

I think half of the heart attacks in the world are caused by English teachers logging into Xanga and reading top blogs…yes I’m not well at grammar.

The only thing worse than Nickelback’s music is all the shitty Xanga jokes about Nickelback making shitty music.

Oh Xangan who always says not a single fuck was given but it's quite obvious that you care because you have to repeatedly type that mantra to make us think you don't care, even if I did give a shit, I wouldn’t give it to you.

@adventofreason posted this fact post thingie about something called the Stylish Awards and I was deemed worthy to be a recipient of her award thingie and now I get to share 7 facts about myself.  I don't think I'm that interesting but I will try to find 7 things about myself that you may enjoy.

1.  While I was studying to enter the ministry/teaching world, I spent time working as a bouncer at a strip club.  It was quite an interesting job.  I had to protect dancers from customers, dancers from dancers, and dancers from themselves.  There was never a dull moment.  I saw a lot of nudity but to be honest I didn't really notice it because I was too busy making sure everyone was behaving.  There was one time when a male customer lost his mind and his pants and tried to get on stage but I grabbed him by the neck and somewhere else to toss him from the club.  People asked if I felt guilty about working at a place like that and working on a ministerial education and I'd say no because I'm using the gifts that God gave me.

2.  I wear size 17(the American sizing chart) for my shoes.  It is damn near impossible to buy shoes.  Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13.  I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers.  I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus.  Yes, I rode the bus in high school.  I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn't let me have a car because they couldn't keep tabs on the car if I was away.  Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size.  I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, "I really want to see it."  I always tried to figure out their devil's math but they refused to tell me.  I also hear that hand size determines penis size.  They say that if your ring finger is longer than your pointing finger then you have a big penis.  My ring finger is only sometimes longer than my pointing finger.  It depends on how arthritic I feel.

3.  I once got drunk at a party.  A friend and I coerced our designated driver to take us to a 24 hour grocery store.  Once inside I was stumbling around.  The dd tried to get me to sit down but I screamed, "I WANT CHEESE BECAUSE I'M FROM WISCONSIN!"  The check out guy gave me one of the motorized carts and all hell broke loose.  Driving up and down the aisles screaming, "Look at me!"  My friend crashed his cart into a bread display and I started laughing so hard I cried.  It was a fun time and I think our dd broke up with her boyfriend because she realized we were the type of people he hung out with.

4.  I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career.  4 of those accidents involved deer.  I think it was some karmic thing because I hunt.  When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me.  My first accident was when I was 18 and had a 90 Pontiac Bonneville.  I was going about 45 down a hill with a curve and right as I came out of the curve there was the deer.  I hit it so hard.  One leg was on the roof and a bunch of entrails were stuck in the bumper.  I drove into town because I didn't have a cellphone.  I told the cop I hit a deer and he came out and said, "Holy fucking shit, I'd say you hit a deer."  He asked if I thought the deer was alive.  I told him that I couldn't see it because it ran off.  He filled out some papers and then I was on my way.  I had to get a new front panel, light, and grill.  The second deer was hit less than a year later.  I had just bought a new car, a 93 Chrysler Concorde.  I hadn't even made the first payment.  I was driving home from work and was going through a small town.  A deer ran out from a high school parking lot and I slammed on my brakes and swerved but I swerved into another deer that came out of the ditch on my side of the road.  At first I didn't think I did much damage but I broke the grill and that turned out to cost $1000 to fix.  The next deer was with the Concorde.  I was student teaching and I lived in a tiny town in Minnesota, less than a mile from the Mississippi River.  I was finishing up grading at lesson plans when the principal came into the room and said that we weren't having school the next day because there was a storm coming and it was set to dump a lot of snow and ice on us.  I was happy so I took off and as I was driving I noticed that it was sleeting.  The road was awful slick but not that bad.  I was about 3 quarters of a mile from the place where I was living when a deer jumped out in front of me.  I hit the brakes.  I know that was a wrong move now but at the time I thought it was wise.  Well it wasn't because the road was covered with ice.  My car started spinning and the back end started turning clockwise so I was soon facing the direction I was driving from.  I ran out of road to spin and my car flipped off the road and down a 30ft. cliff.  I don't know how many times my car rolled because the first time I went upside down my roof was crushed and it hit my head and knocked me out.  I woke up a half hour later when my Bible hit my head and I realized I was hanging upside down without my glasses.  I walked the rest of the way home with my hands above my head because my wrists were cut up and gushing blood.  I walked into the house and the pastor who I was living with asked what happened.  I told him and he went up to investigate.  He found my glasses and made sure my car was shut off.  I called the sheriff's department and they sent out police to the scene and paramedics to the house.  I refused to be taken to the hospital but about 15 minutes after they left I had a blinding headache.  The pastor's wife drove me to the hospital.  I had a really bad concussion.  Oh and another side effect from that accident was/is that I am now two inches shorter.  My other accident with a deer was with my 99 Chevy Blazer.  I was coming home for the weekend to visit my parents.  It was my mom's birthday that weekend and I had a three day weekend from the school where I taught/ministered.  I was about 10 miles from home when a deer jumped out.  I didn't slam on the brakes because it was going slow but then it stopped and came back at me.  I swerved, hit the deer in the ass with my driver's side mirror which made it bounce into the front side panel, and then I ended up in a ditch.  The snow was up to my windshield so I had to get towed out.  All the damage was a busted bug guard and driver's side mirror and a dent in the front side panel.

5.  I have a fear of birds.  I think it began when my parents went on vacation to Sault St. Marie and we were eating these giant pretzels and all these damn seagulls started divebombing me to get my pretzel.  I wouldn't give it up without a fight and this caused the seagulls to fight dirty.  One dove right at me and it dropped a shit bomb on me.  I freaked out and then a couple other seagulls flew down and took my pretzel.  Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots.  Every single time I went to their house, those flying rats would fly right at me.  I thought they were going to attack me so I'd be ducking and dodging these things and wind up curled in a ball in the corner.  Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.

6.  Brett Favre once bought me coffee and donuts.  Favre owns hunting land near my hometown.  I was heading to work one morning during the summer and I stopped off at a gas station so I could get some caffeine to stay alert so I could pay attention if I met up with any Amish buggies and also to wake myself up because it was about 6:30AM and I didn't get home until 1:30AM the night before because of work.  I walked in and there was Favre sitting around the coffee island chatting up everyone in the place.  I casually walked up to him and asked how this season was going to be.  He laughed and said something akin to winning the Super Bowl.  That made me smile and say, "Glad to hear."  He said something about wishing I was one of his blockers.  I grab myself a large coffee and a box of donuts and he said it's on him.  He was buying stuff for everyone that morning so I guess I shouldn't feel that special.

7.  I coached high school football.  It was great.  I loved working with the kids to improve their game.  The team I coached when 9-1.  The only loss was the game that would've put them in the state semi-finals at the Metrodump.  I think my favorite memory from that season was the first game of the season when we went to this dump of a town with a shitty field.  During the second quarter, half the lights on the field went out so the refs and coaches came up with the bright idea to play only on the lighted side.  Once a team made it past the fifty yardline, the teams turned around.  It was such a long game.  My second favorite memory of that season didn't involve football.  Well technically it did.  One Saturday morning we had a scrimmage early in the morning.  We didn't have enough room on the bus so one other coach and I loaded up some gear in my Blazer and we followed the bus to the middle of nowhere Minnesota.  Actually it was pretty close to where Little House on the Prairie took place.  We had the scrimmage where there were no real winners or losers.  After we got everything packed up on the bus I took off for Milwaukee, WI.  It was about a 6 hour drive.  I went to Milwaukee to see Radiohead at an outdoor concert.  That was such a good show.  After the concert, I drove back to my apartment in Minnesota, another 6 hour drive.  I took about an hour nap and then went out to my school where I was ordained as a minister.

Now my 7 recipients:
@TheSecretLifeofPandas
@dirtbubble
@raiderjester
@justjace
@peridot21
@cestovatelka
@thegiantslayer
@your_paper_heart
@theladyofabundance
@MelFamy
@nattata

Did I mention that I can't count?

#caturday It was just a horrible day.  The Badgers lost.  Such a bad game.  Then I heard that a local politician/restaurant owner/amateur boxer lost his fight with cancer.  What could make this day better?  Cats.

Oh, I know what would make my day better.  The comfort of a warm female.  Anyone want to console me after this horrible loss?

R.I.P., Ed, you'll be missed.  I loved how every time I ate at your restaurant you greeted me and knew me by name.