I’d like to give a shout-out to all my Amish friends reading this.

So Amanda Knox was set free from Italian prison.  It looks like Casey Anthony will have a roommate.

A study found that men overestimate their intelligence and women underestimate their intelligence.  The study said this was evident whenever couple got married.

A recent study found that 65% of Americans couldn’t name one Supreme Court justice.  That same 65% was able to name multiple TV show judges.  That’s not even a joke.

Rolling Stone has an article about why R.E.M. split up.  Apparently it’s because it is no longer 1995.

In California, Governor Jerry Brown signed legislation prohibiting cities from banning circumcision.  Brown was quoted as saying, “This bill is just the tip of things to come.”

Comfort food may relieve my personal stress but it doesn’t relieve the stress on my buttons and belt.

The world’s oldest running car was sold at auction this week.  It was built in 1884.  The world’s oldest Chrysler was sold this week.  It was built in 2006.

The bigger a girl’s sunglasses, the crazier she will be.

A study found that 45% of people can’t sing and they are known as “rappers”.

In a recent poll 50% of responders said that sex was a “deep and meaningful act shared between partners” and the other 50% were men.

Hank Williams Jr. was on FOX News and he compared John Boehner golfing with President Obama to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu golfing with Hitler.  ESPN promptly dropped Hank’s song from Monday Night Football.  When I turned on the game I didn’t know if I was truly ready for some football.  Maybe Chili’s could hire him to do their babyback ribs song.  They should replace Hank’s song with Prince’s “Purple Rain”.  He’d just change the words “purple rain” to “Monday night” and it would make a lot of sense and get me excited for football.  I also have to say that was pretty stupid on Hank’s part.  As if people needed another reason to hate country music.

We are going to have a short winter.  The University of Minnesota Golden Gophers were afraid to exit the locker room on Saturday.

My favorite sex position is the one where I’m having sex.

How many times do you get to do it before you are no longer considered bi-curious?

And now for your extra strength dose of motivation:

This Christmas I plan on giving Facebook gift cards to my family because nothing says “I love you” like giving people fake money so they can buy fake things for their fake farms.  Thus proving my love is fake.

If people say they have a secret ingredient for food they’ve made, that secret ingredient usually means they don’t wash their hands before cooking.

My blood type is the legal limit.  I watched the new Ken Burns documentary about Prohibition while enjoying a bottle of bourbon just like the Found Fathers intended.

The reason Governor Christie hasn’t announced his candidacy for president is because he’s negotiating with Herman Cain to be his vice president.  Christie is holding out for 8 slices of pepperoni a day but Cain is only willing to give him 6 slices of plain cheese.

I’ve always had the dream that some day I’d like to snort coke off a hooker’s ass but then I’d have to be a Republican and run under the family values banner.

I think I’m in love.  The true way to tell you are in love is if you can picture having sex with your partner when you are both in your 70s and you aren’t repulsed.

Why do girls ask guys if they want to have sex?  Is it some sort of trick question?

I’m listening to Digital Underground and I’m trying to think of people who would get busy in a Burger King bathroom.  I can only think of janitors and people who just ate at Burger King and have explosive diarrhea.  But it sure was fun smoking weed with that group.  They had the tallest bong I've ever seen.

Ladies, when a guy says you have nice eyes it means that you have nice boobs.

The best music to use when having sex?  The Statler Brothers.

A good way to tell if the woman you are with is the one for you is if she knows which wine goes best with all the items on the Taco Bell menu.

Nothing is sexier than seeing a woman wearing a Packers jersey and cheering on my team…wait, nothing is sexier than seeing a woman completely naked and cheering for the Packers.

I’m holding my breath because the Pulitzer committee is going to announce winners.  I’m expecting to win one because of my earth-shattering posts.

If you are a conjoined twin and you masturbate is that considered incest?  I’ll ask the twins.

What is the male equivalent of faking orgasms?  Saying you don’t look fat in that outfit.

Moneyball spoiler:  The A’s never win the World Series unless they have a line-up filled with guys on steroids.

I’ve found that the key to a woman’s heart is shaped like a large penis and has the VISA symbol on it.

Some people use Xanga for therapy and to make people laugh.  And then there are some people who use Xanga to be complete douches and harass everyone around them because their own lives are so shitty.  Guess which type there is more of on this site.

Say “I’m leaving Xanga” is like saying “I’ll have just one more drink”.  Quit fooling yourself.