I’d like to begin with a shout-out to all my Amish friends.  You shouldn’t be reading this but I’ll forgive you if you pay me to bring over the sheet with a hole in the center.

I was standing at a pharmacy today and I think I met a cannibal.  This lady came up behind me and said I smelled delicious and asked me why I smelled so good.  I told her it’s because I heat up my cottage cheese and add bacon bits before I eat it.

The only thing I discovered on Columbus Day was that the bank and post offices were closed.

I think it's sad that the inventor of masturbation isn't making money hand over fist.

The other day a fan threw a hotdog at Tiger Woods.  This was the first time Tiger has been on the end of having a wiener coming at his face.

3 of a kind beats 2 pair in poker but not in breasts.

If people winked in real life the same amount of times they do on the internet, the world would be a very creepy place…;)

All I want for Christmas are model planes. Not because they're a hobby of mine, but because huffing glue is a hobby of mine.

Hospitals in New York City and Philadelphia are experiencing a record amount of broken legs.  They believe it’s from all the people jumping off the bandwagons of the Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies and the New York Giants, Jets, and Yankees.

The Cialis ad says to call a doctor. if you lose your hearing or sight. Well, with the women I have sex with, that might be a plus.

A new study finds that colon cleansing may have adverse side-effects.  I just think they pulled those stats out of their asses.

A study revealed that men enjoy snuggling.  A second study revealed that men will say anything to get the hot researcher who conducted the first study into bed.

Have you ever wondered if your parents have discovered sexting?

Thinking about exercising makes me sweat.

Due to the current economy I will no long charge a penny for my thoughts.  I’ve raised the price to $1.

I fell in love with my last girlfriend when she told me that she didn’t have a gag reflex.

Facebook once suggested I poke my exgirlfriend.  Believe me, when we dated, I tried.

If Herman Cain is qualified to be president because he ran a chain of pizza places then I say we get Chuck E. Cheese to run for president.

Michelle Bachmann criticized Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan and said if you turned it upside down you could find the devil in the details.  Come on, Michelle, you were a member of the WELS and you damn well know that 666 does not have anything to do with Satan.  That’s the number representing the name of the antichrist and we all know who the antichrist is.  Not so fast people who say Obama.  Do the numbers in his name equal 666?

If Jesus came back today the Tea Party would hate him because Jesus would care too much for the poor and sick.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Ladies, have you ever considered sleeping with your boss to get a job promotion?  If you answered yes then I have a job for you.

Have you ever filled up your bathtub and then stood in it and turned on the shower to pretend you are in a submarine that just got hit?

When women tell me that they love sports, I treat them like they’re spies.

I’ve found that most women look differently in natural light especially after I’ve been drinking Natural Light.

Pick-up lines that will fail:  “You make my penis erect.”  “I think I left a blowjob at your house, can I come over and get it?”  “I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.”  “Your legs are like Oreos, I want to split them open and lick what’s in the middle.”  “I want to Hillbilly Handfish you.”

The true meaning of love is never winning at tennis.  I can explain that one for you but I can't understand it for you.

I was thinking about music from the 80s.  Do you think Mike and the Mechanics were ASE certified? 

Why Jack-in-the-Box when you can In-n-Out?

5 days ago I accidentally washed my face with some Summer’s Eve and ever since my nose hasn’t stopped bleeding.

Why is pink the color for breast cancer awareness?  Does that mean brown is the color for prostate awareness?

If humans are 70% water, then I’m walking on 70% water and therefore I must by 70% Jesus.

Someone asked me this week what my favorite love song is.  I replied that it is "Bitches Ain't Shit but Hoes and Tricks" by Dr. Dre.  They informed me that Ben Folds does a cover.  I said, "Listen, only the Dr. can operate.  Would you like a "cover" brain surgeon operating on you?"

I’m not above dating tall girls.

I’m writing this post and I don’t think you even care so I’m going to type “throbbing meat pole” just to see if you paid attention.

Xanga is the place where pretty girls come to complain about not getting laid or having boyfriends and creepy guys like me try to seduce them.

When the Xanga team brings back the option to pay for a lifetime account with eprops I can finally buy my hired help prosthetic fingers.

Have you ever read a post on Xanga and thought that the Xanga team should be paid to be that person’s therapist?

Xanga is the best way to prove you’ve lost your mind.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.  Have a great...eh, I'll finish it later.