Who decided that it’d be a good idea to put a round pizza in a square box?

I’m planning on having a threesome this evening at my house.  I just need two ladies so email me if you’re interested.

People tend to save money better when they are focusing on just one goal and nowadays most people are focusing on not starving to death.

A study found that 35% of toys contained lead which is surprising since 90% of toys come from China.

Most idiots are born without the ability to know they are idiots so they do idiotic things.

52% of Americans claim they are overweight and the other 48% do not own mirrors.

Would things in America improve if we outsourced Congress’ jobs overseas?  The Democratic and Republican parties will spend a projected $4billion in the next election which will be about too much spending.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Before you borrow money from a friend, question which you need more, money or a friend.  Screw it, we all need money.

Smiling at people who you know you’ve pissed off can be the highlight of your day.

I only drink for two reasons…day and night.

65% of all internet searches are done through Google.  The other 35% are specific porn sites that don’t need to be searched for.

The Big East Conference, centered on the East Coast, is set to offer membership to Boise State located in Boise, ID and the Air Force Academy located in Colorado Springs, CO.  If those schools accept membership the Big East will change it’s name to The Big All Over the Place Conference.

This woman recently asked “Leg or breast?”  I told her that I was an ass man.  She informed me that they didn't serve asses as KFC.

If you masturbate while your hand is asleep, is that considered rape?

There would be fewer communication problems between the sexes if women just talked about beer, boobs, football, and blowjobs.  That would be easier than men talking about shoes, flowers, purses, and washing machines.

I was stupid enough to learn Morse Code.  The only reason I say I was stupid was because I was committed to a mental health center after I had a breakdown after I went to see a tap dancing performance.

I don’t make mistakes.  I just date them.

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine obviously didn’t have gonorrhea.

I think a woman hit on me at Walmart the other day.  When I walked by her she looked at me and then put a tube of toothpaste in her cart.

When I was in first grade my teacher had a conference with my parents and suggested that I skip the first grade and go to second.  My dad said I should stay in first grade because I screwed up doing their taxes.

I love thinking back to my days in high school where in gym class we’d play co-ed dodgeball and if a guy hit a girl with the ball she was obligated to show him her boobs.  I also love all the concussions I’ve suffered to enable to have so many great memories.

I just beat my personal record for consecutive days alive.

I got my girlfriend to quit complaining about me leaving the toilet seat up by pissing on the seat when I left it down.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I’m drawn to women with bad tattoos because the bad decision makers make better lovers but I have to admit it is difficult to have sex with a woman who has Garth Brooks tattooed on her ass.

I like having sex with girls at midnight so I can say the sex last two days instead of two minutes.

I like to walk around with my zipper unzipped so if a girl ever says that I need to zip up I know she was checking out my package.

It looks like the Google+ craze lasted about as long as I did the first time I had sex.

Ladies, looking for a quick way to break up with your boyfriend?  Tell them you want to have a baby.

Hooters is a restaurant that caters to men who enjoy large breasts.  Why is there no restaurant that caters to my love of a large ass or clitoris?

The other day I was watching a woman breastfeed in public.  An old lady yelled, “How dare you do that in public?”  In retrospect I probably should’ve waited to masturbate until I got home.

I was flipping through TV last night and caught a TV show called The Walking Dead.  I was disappointed when I found out it wasn’t about the 2011 Minnesota Vikings.

They say love is grand.  Divorce will run you a couple hundred grand.

I’ve never had a premonition but one day I think I will.

Did you know that iPads, iPods, and iPhones work underwater?  You should try it out and let me know how it worked.

I sort of understand the need for age requirements but I think things would be better if we had IQ requirements.

I didn’t watch the GOP Debate.  I gave two drunks a bottle of Jaegermeister and they had a heated exchange.  It’s looks like I’m voting for Prickly Pete.

Friends, please remember when there is Xanga drama there is also kitties, butterflies, boobs, and beer…definitively beer.

I wonder if the new Xanga Mobile App will work with payphones.