@adventofreason posted this fact post thingie about something called the Stylish Awards and I was deemed worthy to be a recipient of her award thingie and now I get to share 7 facts about myself. I don't think I'm that interesting but I will try to find 7 things about myself that you may enjoy.
1. While I was studying to enter the ministry/teaching world, I spent time working as a bouncer at a strip club. It was quite an interesting job. I had to protect dancers from customers, dancers from dancers, and dancers from themselves. There was never a dull moment. I saw a lot of nudity but to be honest I didn't really notice it because I was too busy making sure everyone was behaving. There was one time when a male customer lost his mind and his pants and tried to get on stage but I grabbed him by the neck and somewhere else to toss him from the club. People asked if I felt guilty about working at a place like that and working on a ministerial education and I'd say no because I'm using the gifts that God gave me.
2. I wear size 17(the American sizing chart) for my shoes. It is damn near impossible to buy shoes. Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13. I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers. I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus. Yes, I rode the bus in high school. I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn't let me have a car because they couldn't keep tabs on the car if I was away. Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size. I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, "I really want to see it." I always tried to figure out their devil's math but they refused to tell me. I also hear that hand size determines penis size. They say that if your ring finger is longer than your pointing finger then you have a big penis. My ring finger is only sometimes longer than my pointing finger. It depends on how arthritic I feel.
3. I once got drunk at a party. A friend and I coerced our designated driver to take us to a 24 hour grocery store. Once inside I was stumbling around. The dd tried to get me to sit down but I screamed, "I WANT CHEESE BECAUSE I'M FROM WISCONSIN!" The check out guy gave me one of the motorized carts and all hell broke loose. Driving up and down the aisles screaming, "Look at me!" My friend crashed his cart into a bread display and I started laughing so hard I cried. It was a fun time and I think our dd broke up with her boyfriend because she realized we were the type of people he hung out with.
4. I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career. 4 of those accidents involved deer. I think it was some karmic thing because I hunt. When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me. My first accident was when I was 18 and had a 90 Pontiac Bonneville. I was going about 45 down a hill with a curve and right as I came out of the curve there was the deer. I hit it so hard. One leg was on the roof and a bunch of entrails were stuck in the bumper. I drove into town because I didn't have a cellphone. I told the cop I hit a deer and he came out and said, "Holy fucking shit, I'd say you hit a deer." He asked if I thought the deer was alive. I told him that I couldn't see it because it ran off. He filled out some papers and then I was on my way. I had to get a new front panel, light, and grill. The second deer was hit less than a year later. I had just bought a new car, a 93 Chrysler Concorde. I hadn't even made the first payment. I was driving home from work and was going through a small town. A deer ran out from a high school parking lot and I slammed on my brakes and swerved but I swerved into another deer that came out of the ditch on my side of the road. At first I didn't think I did much damage but I broke the grill and that turned out to cost $1000 to fix. The next deer was with the Concorde. I was student teaching and I lived in a tiny town in Minnesota, less than a mile from the Mississippi River. I was finishing up grading at lesson plans when the principal came into the room and said that we weren't having school the next day because there was a storm coming and it was set to dump a lot of snow and ice on us. I was happy so I took off and as I was driving I noticed that it was sleeting. The road was awful slick but not that bad. I was about 3 quarters of a mile from the place where I was living when a deer jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes. I know that was a wrong move now but at the time I thought it was wise. Well it wasn't because the road was covered with ice. My car started spinning and the back end started turning clockwise so I was soon facing the direction I was driving from. I ran out of road to spin and my car flipped off the road and down a 30ft. cliff. I don't know how many times my car rolled because the first time I went upside down my roof was crushed and it hit my head and knocked me out. I woke up a half hour later when my Bible hit my head and I realized I was hanging upside down without my glasses. I walked the rest of the way home with my hands above my head because my wrists were cut up and gushing blood. I walked into the house and the pastor who I was living with asked what happened. I told him and he went up to investigate. He found my glasses and made sure my car was shut off. I called the sheriff's department and they sent out police to the scene and paramedics to the house. I refused to be taken to the hospital but about 15 minutes after they left I had a blinding headache. The pastor's wife drove me to the hospital. I had a really bad concussion. Oh and another side effect from that accident was/is that I am now two inches shorter. My other accident with a deer was with my 99 Chevy Blazer. I was coming home for the weekend to visit my parents. It was my mom's birthday that weekend and I had a three day weekend from the school where I taught/ministered. I was about 10 miles from home when a deer jumped out. I didn't slam on the brakes because it was going slow but then it stopped and came back at me. I swerved, hit the deer in the ass with my driver's side mirror which made it bounce into the front side panel, and then I ended up in a ditch. The snow was up to my windshield so I had to get towed out. All the damage was a busted bug guard and driver's side mirror and a dent in the front side panel.
5. I have a fear of birds. I think it began when my parents went on vacation to Sault St. Marie and we were eating these giant pretzels and all these damn seagulls started divebombing me to get my pretzel. I wouldn't give it up without a fight and this caused the seagulls to fight dirty. One dove right at me and it dropped a shit bomb on me. I freaked out and then a couple other seagulls flew down and took my pretzel. Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots. Every single time I went to their house, those flying rats would fly right at me. I thought they were going to attack me so I'd be ducking and dodging these things and wind up curled in a ball in the corner. Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.
6. Brett Favre once bought me coffee and donuts. Favre owns hunting land near my hometown. I was heading to work one morning during the summer and I stopped off at a gas station so I could get some caffeine to stay alert so I could pay attention if I met up with any Amish buggies and also to wake myself up because it was about 6:30AM and I didn't get home until 1:30AM the night before because of work. I walked in and there was Favre sitting around the coffee island chatting up everyone in the place. I casually walked up to him and asked how this season was going to be. He laughed and said something akin to winning the Super Bowl. That made me smile and say, "Glad to hear." He said something about wishing I was one of his blockers. I grab myself a large coffee and a box of donuts and he said it's on him. He was buying stuff for everyone that morning so I guess I shouldn't feel that special.
7. I coached high school football. It was great. I loved working with the kids to improve their game. The team I coached when 9-1. The only loss was the game that would've put them in the state semi-finals at the Metrodump. I think my favorite memory from that season was the first game of the season when we went to this dump of a town with a shitty field. During the second quarter, half the lights on the field went out so the refs and coaches came up with the bright idea to play only on the lighted side. Once a team made it past the fifty yardline, the teams turned around. It was such a long game. My second favorite memory of that season didn't involve football. Well technically it did. One Saturday morning we had a scrimmage early in the morning. We didn't have enough room on the bus so one other coach and I loaded up some gear in my Blazer and we followed the bus to the middle of nowhere Minnesota. Actually it was pretty close to where Little House on the Prairie took place. We had the scrimmage where there were no real winners or losers. After we got everything packed up on the bus I took off for Milwaukee, WI. It was about a 6 hour drive. I went to Milwaukee to see Radiohead at an outdoor concert. That was such a good show. After the concert, I drove back to my apartment in Minnesota, another 6 hour drive. I took about an hour nap and then went out to my school where I was ordained as a minister.
Now my 7 recipients:
@TheSecretLifeofPandas
@dirtbubble
@raiderjester
@justjace
@peridot21
@cestovatelka
@thegiantslayer
@your_paper_heart
@theladyofabundance
@MelFamy
@nattata
Did I mention that I can't count?
Recent Comments