Well my library closed today. It's closing for a month while they do all the internal work for the addition. The good thing about it is that I got to stock up on books and DVDs which will come due when they reopen at the end of November. The bad thing about it is that if I want to go to a library between now and then I'll have to drive about 5 or 10 miles to another library. Yeah, my life is boring. If any of you single ladies want to help me be not so boring, drop me a line. We can get together and race go-karts or go drinking. I'd rather go drinking. Time for the round-up.
Zachary Quinto came out of the closet this week. He actually came out unintentionally. He was being interviewed for New York magazine and they asked him what he thought about the Occupy Wallstreet Movement. You can read the full interview here. He said this: "And, you know, again, as a gay man, I look at that and say there’s a hopelessness that surrounds it. But as a human being, I look at it and say, “Why? Where is this disparity coming from and why can’t we as a culture, as a society, dig deeper to examine it?” We’re terrified of facing ourselves, we’re terrified of what we’ll find and so, instead, we seem to waste time and energy with small-mindedness and intolerance and with bigotry and with hatred and with fear. And those things are just gonna — no matter if it’s Occupy Wall Street or any other social or political or financial issue, we’re hurtling towards something that is really scary to me." If celebrities want to come out dramatically and pose for magazine covers then all power to them but I do admire how he casually mentioned it. It's like no big deal and no breaking news. That should be how everyone does it better yet why do we need labels? When interviewed later by Access Hollywood about this he said this, "“I just felt like it was my time, you know? I felt like it was a week of declarations for me. I’m declaring that I’m gay, I’m declaring that I want to be a serious contributor to the dialogues that are happening in the world right now. The way that I can do that is creatively." They also pressed him to divulge whether or not he thought other actors would come out because he did. Zachary said, "That's their life." I think that was the best answer he could've given.
The Situation was spotted this week at an Apple store in New York City where he was trying to get one of those new iPhones. Because The Situation thinks he's important and doesn't need to wait in line, he tried cutting in front of other customers. Apple Store employees spotted him trying to skip ahead and they refused to serve him and they kicked him out of the store. This was the greatest story of the week. I'm happy that he someone actually had the balls to tell a deluded reality TV star that he has to wait in line like everyone else. AWESOME!
Soulja Boy was arrested this week and it happened on the same day his straight to DVD movie was released. Mr. Boy was arrested for possession of a large amount of marijuana. When asked how much, the police jokingly said a ton. You know if I was one of the arresting officers I'd "confiscate" the marijuana for "evidence" and then I'd say that my "daughter" is a "fan" of his "music" and I'd be "letting" him go this "time" with just a "warning". And that is why I'm not a police officer. He was arrested at 3AM in Temple, Georgia when police saw him driving his Cadillac Escalade with 4 other men inside. They made some traffic violation which prompted a stop. You know the Temple, GA police department has great instructors because who would've thought that an SUV driving erratically at 3AM with 5 black guys inside would contain a large amount of marijuana? I would've thought they were volunteering for Meals on Wheels or on their way to a church function.
Well well well...it looks like Sofia Vergara is finally getting the hang of Twitter and now understand what the only purpose of Twitter is. No, you will not see me in a bikini on my Twitter because I'm male and therefore my sole purpose of Twitter is to ogle half naked females.
Snoop Dogg turned 40 this week. Looking at this photo and then knowing his drug habits, well I would've loved to have been at his birthday party but then they'd probably make me dress like Snuffleupagus.
Selena Gomez embraced her inner chola for a photoshoot this week. She has the Sharpie eyebrows, the black lip liner, hair done up in AquaNet, the flannel shirt buttoned only at the top button, and the bra only under the flannel. Is there any reason why Mi Vida Loca is one of my favorite movies? Well I did post this photo, did I not? Anyway the real story of Selena is that this week a man admitted to his psychiatrist that he planned on killing Selena. He moved from Chicago to L.A. to see her and after meeting her he said that God told him that he should kill her. Selena is said to be in great fear. Of course she is, she doesn't have a real man protecting her. I have plenty of room in my bedroom house. I wonder why she's taking this threat more seriously than all the little girls on Twitter who said they'd kill her because she was dating Justin Bieber. If anything happens to Selena, I wonder if Jennifer Lopez would play her in the movie about her life. Justin Bieber is also an idiot. People close to him are saying he's going about the wrong way to impress Selena. He's spending money as fast as he takes it in. A friend said Justin has spent $1million on her since they started dating earlier this year. Somebody please buy the kid a copy of the Beatles song "Can't Buy Me Love". He needs to listen to the message plus he needs to listen to some real music. Justin is worth millions of dollars. He doesn't need to show a girlfriend over the top displays of affection. All he needs to do is show girls his ATM receipts. By the time Justin is old enough to read this or realize this advice was true, he'll be washed up and giving guys handjobs in public bathrooms so he can pay his rent. Then if he wants to get laid by a girl he'll have to do what other washed up child stars do to get sex, lies and pity. Or Justin could do what I do to impress ladies, unzip my pants and then display my tongue. Wait, that hasn't worked ever. Guess it's back to lies and pity.
Penny Marshall turned 69 and Michael McKeon turned 64 this week. Man, I love Laverne & Shirley. I actually liked Laverne more than Shirley. Shirley seemed so prissy and Laverne was always down but I often get the idea that in the opening theme song Laverne and Shirley were singing about this schlemiel and schlimazel.
Paris Hilton was photographed this week demonstrating how she gets out of speeding tickets.
The hacker that broke into Miley Cyrus' Gmail account was interviewed and told how he found out her password. He said that when he accessed her security question it asked, "who is your best friend?" He simply typed in the girl that Miley has said is her best friend and he was granted access. Is it any wonder these people are getting hacked? I'm surprised Miley remembers to breathe. I bet Britney Spears' password is "bitney" or "furnch fryes" because you know she can't spell.
This is Mitchel Musso. Yes, he's a boy. He was on Hannah Montana and other Disney shows such as Pair of Kings and PrankStars. He was pulled over by police early one morning this week when he failed to slow down for an accident. When the officer approached he could smell alcohol on Musso. He was given a field sobriety test and failed so he was taken in to take a breathalyzer. He was well above the legal limit and was booked for DUI. According to his booking information he is 5'8" and 133lbs. I guess if you're brushing your hair and playing with Barbies those wine coolers go down smoothly and you lose count of how many you've had. You know who was on Hannah Montana? Miley Cyrus. I'm not saying this is her fault but I'm saying this is her fault. She probably made fun of him for not drinking and called him a dork. Now he's given up volunteering at soup kitchens to drive drunk. How many lives must you ruin, Miley?
Lindsay Lohan could face 1 to 5 years in prison because her probation was revoked but we know she won't do a day because of prison overcrowding. Her hearing is set for November 2nd. The bail was set at $100,000 and Lindsay must do morning community service at the county morgue every morning until the hearing. You know this is a broken record. The judge will yell at her and try to scare her straight and Lindsay will be good for a day or two and then she slaps Lady Justice in the face. One of the reasons why Lindsay didn't show up for her community service was because she didn't think it was fulfilling enough for her. What? Did she expect that they were going to eat tacos and sip wine? I swear that if the judge doesn't tell Lindsay to stand on a giant X on the courtroom floor and then cut a rope so a giant anvil drops on her head, I'm going to riot. Also last weekend Lindsay was at a concert for the band Foster the People. She kept trying to get to talk to the lead singer but he kept avoiding her. He ended up spending the night talking with Kenny G, Nicky Hilton, Michael Bay, and Dane Cook. So to reiterate, the lead singer of Foster the People would rather spend time with Kenny G, Paris Hilton's less famous and less diseased sister, the guy who gave us fine art like Transformers, and Dane "If I Yell and Move Around Enough They Won't Notice I Stole This From Louis C.K." Cook. Poor Lindsay.
Lindsay's mom is also set to write a book about how Lindsay went from child star to mugshot model. Here are two excerpts: "I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay's way of daily living--and it tore me up inside." "How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone." Everything that comes out of a Lohan's mouth is as credible as everything that comes out of their assholes. Joe Jackson, Billy Ray Cyrus, Joe Simpson, and Kris Jenner are all saying that Dinah Lohan has went too far. About the only wise thing a Lohan has said was Lindsay's dad, Michael, who was on Issues on HLN. He was talking about Lindsay's teeth (remember last week?). He said this, “She’s smoking either crack or meth, one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. If you’re talking about prescription medication it would affect all your teeth, not just your two front teeth. You can't dance with the devil and expect to go home with Jesus." Well you can only if Jesus is a Mexican guy with crack or meth. Sorry to ruin your analogy.
This didn't take too long. Lindsay was ordered to show up at the morgue which totally makes sense since she looks like a corpse. She was scheduled to begin her work at 8AM. At 7:40AM, Lindsay's assistant said they were ten minutes away. By 8:20AM Lindsay still hadn't showed up. The Coroner will notify the probation service and the judge that she didn't show. This won't end well. I'm just at a loss. One day after being told to do her work, she doesn't show up. I'm at a loss for words so chair printer speaker, Kleenex, pen, cat, postcards, flash drives, heroes. That made more sense than anything going through Lindsay's head. One of Lindsay's spokespeople said the reason she was late was because she couldn't find the entrance and didn't know where to go. Hmmm you don't know where to go so you GET THERE EARLY! Apparently Lindsay can't read because the word "Entrance" is written on the doors. Lindsay took to Twitter to plead her case: “With all of the stress and pressure from yesterday and today, I've never been so happy to go to therapy!!!! Also, I'm sorry for the confusion that I may of caused to those at the Coroner's office. Won't happen again, now I know where to go! Thank you for your help.” And back to reality, the assistant chief coroner was interviewed and said Lindsay was given step by step instructions about how to get to where she needed to go and how to get there. He said that there shouldn't have been confusion because they showed her where to go and went out of their way to do it. I can't wait until Lindsay shows up late tomorrow. It will be sad to hear that her grandma just died for the sixth time. Wait, did I say grandma? I meant grandpa! No, grandma! Shit, I meant uncle! It was totally her uncle! If LiLo really wants to get to the morgue tomorrow, she just needs to put on the same make-up she put on yesterday (see above), call an ambulance, lay down on her living room floor and then wait for them to take here there directly!
And this is Lindsay's new mugshot. The last time she was in trouble with the law I suggested a calendar with all her mugshots. That could make her a lot of money.
Kristin Cavallari reconciled with Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. What a shock! I wonder if she was motivated by love or those multi-million dollar contract extension he signed. This is perfect, a petulant professional athlete dating a self-serving attention whore reality star. A match made in heaven! I wonder if their sex life reflects Jay's performance on the football field. He always gets knocked down and can only get 3 steps before he's out.
I think they muzzled the wrong beast. Kim Kardashian is in the Middle East and if there was ever a time I'd root for a terrorist besides when I watch Die Hard...yep. Is this what this world is coming to? That camel is muzzled and has to carry that trash on it's back. It should be the other way around.
This week Kelly Clarkson was interviewed and she said the best part of being famous was her ability to get tables at restaurants. Hmmm she should talk to John Travolta. She said that the biggest perk to fame was getting to eat. Kelly, if you love to eat and don't want to be in the spotlight then you should just move to Wisconsin.
John Travolta was in London last week for a large Scientology conference. After the conference, Travolta wanted to get some good food so he called up a Kentucky Fried Chicken and asked to make reservations. The employee informed him that he would have to stand in line like everyone else, just like The Situation. You know, the next time I got to KFC, I should try this. Whenever I go it's so busy but then I always go on Senior Citizen Discount Buffet night. I love all the old ladies who bring plastic bags in and shove bones into their bags so they can take them home to their cats. I also love all the old men talking about how they killed people in wars or which of their friends died since the last Senior Citizen Discount Buffet night. And the best part is when the KFC cashier doesn't give me a senior citizen discount. I scream age discrimination. I think because of my yelling they now call it Discount Buffet night and it runs 3PM to 6PM.
Jessica Simpson is indeed pregnant and she's telling all her friends that she is having a little girl. She said that her boyfriend is deeply in love with her and she's excited to have their baby. She says she feels like she's won the lottery twice. Well, Jessica, I hate to break it to you but you did win the lottery twice. It's called left boob and right boob.
Hayden Panettiere proved that Hollywood stars eat only the best. She's got a bag full of Top Ramen noodles. But that's not why I posted this photo. What is up with her boobs? It's like they are possessed or something. I think the only way she can prove that they aren't possessed is if she posed fully nude in Penthouse. Playboy won't do the trick because it is softcore. No, we need Penthouse or some other hardcore pornographic magazine for this serious matter.
I know this is stating the obvious and if you've read my site at any time you'll know I've always thought this but for those of you who are knew or didn't know, Guy Fieri is a giant douchebag asshole. His personality is as pleasant as he looks. A former producer of Guy's show; Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives; talked to The City Pages, a paper produced in Minneapolis. In the interview, David Page said some very unflattering things about Fieri. Page said that when women were on the show they had to be very careful with dialogue because Guy would eventually turn everything into a poop joke. Page also said that women dared not mention cream otherwise they would be tormented by sexual innuendos. Also they had to make sure they kept the cameras off Guy when women were talking because 9 out of 10 times he'd be staring at their chests. Early in the show's run, Page got a furious call from Fieri after he walked out of a restaurant where they were shooting a segment for the show. The restaurant was owned by two gay men who were life partners. Guy Fieri said, "You can't send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!" Guy also expressed dislike for Jews because Page said Fieri routinely said, "You know, it's true: Jews are cheap." Guy has always weirded me out because he is either yelling at me through the camera or he's eating food with his mouth hanging open but this takes the cake. Guy denies any of this is true. I believe David that all of this happened because how can you trust a guy who purposely makes himself look like the creation of a porcupine humping a cactus and doesn't know how to wear sunglasses.
Gerard Butler was photographed out and about this week while wearing a wet suit. I guess it takes a real secure man to wear a skin suit out in public. I mean Gerard is clearly proud of his lack of a bulge. If that was me, I'd probably have stuffed multiple pairs of socks down my pants to make it look like I was packing.
George Clooney announced this week that he and Stacy Keibler are officially dating. Here's what he was quoted as saying, "Neener, neener, neener, I'm banging Stacy Keibler and you aren't GodfatherofGreenBay. Neener, neener, neener, loser." GodfatherofGreenBay could not be reached for comments because he was locked in his bedroom and crying into his pillows.
Courtney Stodden was photographed exiting a television headquarters this week. She said they were shopping her reality show about her and her husband (I can't remember his name but for the sake of truth we'll call him Pedobear). Is there any doubt as to which TV network wants to buy this show? That's right she was at MTV. She said they were probably going to buy it. Well the good news is about going to MTV is that if they don't buy her reality show they can always put her on Teen Mom. Oh and when did 17 year olds start wearing clear bras?
A few months ago, Kelly Osbourne called Christina Aguilera a "fat bitch" during a segment on her show "Fashion Police". This past week Kelly mocked Christina for this outfit that was worn at a Michael Jackson tribute concert. Kelly said, "She called me fat for years when I was never that fat." A co-host said that Aguilera was a size 2/4 and Kelly said that Christina was not a 2/4 because Kelly is a 2/4. My whole thing is that Kelly Osbourne said she was never that fat. Kelly Osbourne has become a bigger revisionist historian than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. You weren't as fat as Christina, you were fatter. Now get off your high horse otherwise Christina may try to eat it. Oh I'm mean when I shouldn't because I'm fat and I think Christina looks quite tasty.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. Hey, I got this posted before midnight.
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