I'm sick...really sick.  Last night I was watching Sons of Anarchy and I noticed I had drainage and then all of a sudden I'm congested and my ears hurt.  The night was horrible because I had a fever and couldn't sleep because I'd be cold and then I'd be on fire.  I spent most of the day alternating between burning up with a fever and shivering.  I can't breathe out of my nose and I lose my balance because of my ears.  I hate being sick.  I was going to write something monumental tonight but it's not going to happen.  You're getting photos.  I was going to make it an adult post because for some reason when I get sick I become extremely amorous but I figure I'll just go to Tumblr to take care of that because 99% of Tumblr is porn.

Oh the closest you'll get...winter is coming.

WANT!  The hotwings of course.

NO!  We must protect Bacon.

Yeah I've been trying to tell my girlfriend to heed that advice but so far it's a no go.

Music to invade a nation by

Cookie Monster is such a plutocrat.

The family that pole dances together stays together.

Yeah, it's pretty difficult.

Why isn't the media covering this?!?!?!

They should make a line of Hallmark cards for that occasion.

As a teacher with a terminal disease who’s desperate to provide financially for my family before I die…I wish there was a show on TV  I could relate to.

Well I guess everyone mourns differently.

This is what Steve Jobs was working on when he passed away.

Say it fast.

Have a good night.

I’d like to begin with a shout-out to all my Amish friends.  You shouldn’t be reading this but I’ll forgive you if you pay me to bring over the sheet with a hole in the center.

I was standing at a pharmacy today and I think I met a cannibal.  This lady came up behind me and said I smelled delicious and asked me why I smelled so good.  I told her it’s because I heat up my cottage cheese and add bacon bits before I eat it.

The only thing I discovered on Columbus Day was that the bank and post offices were closed.

I think it's sad that the inventor of masturbation isn't making money hand over fist.

The other day a fan threw a hotdog at Tiger Woods.  This was the first time Tiger has been on the end of having a wiener coming at his face.

3 of a kind beats 2 pair in poker but not in breasts.

If people winked in real life the same amount of times they do on the internet, the world would be a very creepy place…;)

All I want for Christmas are model planes. Not because they're a hobby of mine, but because huffing glue is a hobby of mine.

Hospitals in New York City and Philadelphia are experiencing a record amount of broken legs.  They believe it’s from all the people jumping off the bandwagons of the Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies and the New York Giants, Jets, and Yankees.

The Cialis ad says to call a doctor. if you lose your hearing or sight. Well, with the women I have sex with, that might be a plus.

A new study finds that colon cleansing may have adverse side-effects.  I just think they pulled those stats out of their asses.

A study revealed that men enjoy snuggling.  A second study revealed that men will say anything to get the hot researcher who conducted the first study into bed.

Have you ever wondered if your parents have discovered sexting?

Thinking about exercising makes me sweat.

Due to the current economy I will no long charge a penny for my thoughts.  I’ve raised the price to $1.

I fell in love with my last girlfriend when she told me that she didn’t have a gag reflex.

Facebook once suggested I poke my exgirlfriend.  Believe me, when we dated, I tried.

If Herman Cain is qualified to be president because he ran a chain of pizza places then I say we get Chuck E. Cheese to run for president.

Michelle Bachmann criticized Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan and said if you turned it upside down you could find the devil in the details.  Come on, Michelle, you were a member of the WELS and you damn well know that 666 does not have anything to do with Satan.  That’s the number representing the name of the antichrist and we all know who the antichrist is.  Not so fast people who say Obama.  Do the numbers in his name equal 666?

If Jesus came back today the Tea Party would hate him because Jesus would care too much for the poor and sick.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Ladies, have you ever considered sleeping with your boss to get a job promotion?  If you answered yes then I have a job for you.

Have you ever filled up your bathtub and then stood in it and turned on the shower to pretend you are in a submarine that just got hit?

When women tell me that they love sports, I treat them like they’re spies.

I’ve found that most women look differently in natural light especially after I’ve been drinking Natural Light.

Pick-up lines that will fail:  “You make my penis erect.”  “I think I left a blowjob at your house, can I come over and get it?”  “I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.”  “Your legs are like Oreos, I want to split them open and lick what’s in the middle.”  “I want to Hillbilly Handfish you.”

The true meaning of love is never winning at tennis.  I can explain that one for you but I can't understand it for you.

I was thinking about music from the 80s.  Do you think Mike and the Mechanics were ASE certified? 

Why Jack-in-the-Box when you can In-n-Out?

5 days ago I accidentally washed my face with some Summer’s Eve and ever since my nose hasn’t stopped bleeding.

Why is pink the color for breast cancer awareness?  Does that mean brown is the color for prostate awareness?

If humans are 70% water, then I’m walking on 70% water and therefore I must by 70% Jesus.

Someone asked me this week what my favorite love song is.  I replied that it is "Bitches Ain't Shit but Hoes and Tricks" by Dr. Dre.  They informed me that Ben Folds does a cover.  I said, "Listen, only the Dr. can operate.  Would you like a "cover" brain surgeon operating on you?"

I’m not above dating tall girls.

I’m writing this post and I don’t think you even care so I’m going to type “throbbing meat pole” just to see if you paid attention.

Xanga is the place where pretty girls come to complain about not getting laid or having boyfriends and creepy guys like me try to seduce them.

When the Xanga team brings back the option to pay for a lifetime account with eprops I can finally buy my hired help prosthetic fingers.

Have you ever read a post on Xanga and thought that the Xanga team should be paid to be that person’s therapist?

Xanga is the best way to prove you’ve lost your mind.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.  Have a great...eh, I'll finish it later.

YES!  I'm doing a survey!

Promise you won't lie?
OK I promise but there's something you have to do for me first.

Have you kissed anyone in the past 10 days?
hahahaha...no, you think women would get that close to me?

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?
My mood has changed drastically as of late.

Did you speak with your father today?
Yeah, he begged me to get him some dvds from the library

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?
no, there has to be trust

Are you shy?
I prefer the term reserved

Could things possibly get any better?
I was thinking about that yesterday.  It was about 75F, the sun was out, I was fishing, I had a beer in hand, and it was just perfect.  The only thing that could've made it better was if I was being serviced orally.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Yes, my cats went nuts because there's a raccoon outside my house.

Has there been anyone particular on your mind at all today?
Actually, yes

Are you wearing jeans, shorts or pajama pants?
I am wearing shorts and a smile

Do you ever crack your knuckles/ back/ ankles/ wrists/ etc?
My knuckles and ankles...I crack my ankle about every time I walk on it.  Thank you, football.  My ankle sounds like a cement mixer.

Do you love the last person you called today?
no one called me so I guess I am unlovable.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
there are many people of the opposite sex who mean a lot to me

Do you need to say anything to someone?
yes but I can't

Do you think before you speak?
Not really, I think that's the way the Founding Fathers intended it or so FOX News and TBN has led me to believe

You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you?
I'm actually thinking about who wrote this survey and the person from whom I stole it.

Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today?
yeah, I was sitting under an apple tree trying to become enlightened or discover gravity

Did you see the person you liked today?
no but I saw her in my dreams

Was today better than yesterday?
No, as I mentioned before I went fishing yesterday and today I didn't.

Honestly, what’s running through your mind?
a low buzzing sound

Have you ever asked a girl for advice?
the last time I asked a girl for advice about a girl I liked she thought I was coming on to her and now her husband no longer talks to me

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
I actually replied to all the comments on my posts

Do you straighten your hair often?
I don't really have that problem, I mostly curl it or do it up in a pompadour.

How are you feeling?
a little cool and anxious and tingly

Is there something you’re not looking forward to?
yeah, death and sleeping

When was the last time you were told you were cute?
See I can't remember so I guess I'm not cute

How late did you stay up last night?
I was up to about 3AM and had to be up at 6:30.  I'm not a smart man

Do you think boys truly understand?
Yes we do, you just fail to see our understanding because it doesn't fit in your weltanschauung.

Choose: bonfire on a beach or clubbing in the city?
I'd have to go with the bonfire because I can't stand loud places any longer.  I'm getting older and my hearing is going.  I don't technically have a hearing problem but when I'm in loud places I can't distinguish.  Plus...FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE

Would you say that you are an intelligent person?
no, I'm pretty much a dullard but people may argue that when they find out I can speak 7 languages but languages are easy.  I can't believe there are people who only speak one.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I doubt it, if I haven't been called cute or kissed anyone then I don't think anyone is thinking of me.

Who have you texted today?
a pandas' rights activist

I bet you're going to kiss someone tonight, right?
have you been paying attention?  You know that question about my mood?  I'm getting ticked off.

Who was the last person you texted?
I think Twitter because that's how lame I am

What would you do if you walked in on the last person you kissed having sex?
I'd probably be alright since I hate her

Do you remember who you liked on New Years?
sort of and I'm pretty sure she was on Xanga

When was the last time you cried?
 when was the last commercial with Sarah McLachlan singing to get me to give money to help animals?

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
no, I've had too many head traumas.

Are you dating the last person you texted?
well I guess I'm pretty much dating Twitter since I use it for Xanga and Tumblr now

Are you a patient person?
I've been told it's one of my virtues

How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?
none, my wrists are too large for watches so how am I going to wear a bracelet

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
I can't even remember but I'm assuming that person is now dead

Do you think the last person you kissed cares about you?
no

Are you wasting your time on someone?
I think I'm wasting my time trying to get @AmericanAlien to return to Xanga

Have you ever snuggled with someone you weren't dating?
yeah, snuggling helps fight hangovers

Do you like silver or gold better?
I actually like silver better but that's probably because it will protect me from supernatural beings

Do you know anyone who smokes pot?
yeah, the kids like to gather across the street in front of the library at night and smoke pot and play on the internet with the free WiFi

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?
only if she loves the bottle more than me

Was last night terrible?
nope it was great, the Packers and Brewers won

Has a girl sat on your bed before?
you can see where my mind is at because I read "bed" as "face"

What were you doing 12 AM last night?
well let's see, it was either surfing Xanga or touching myself.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
A friend who wanted to go fishing

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed on the lips?
no

Does anyone hate you?
I am certain there is at least one person with 40 profiles here that hates me

What are you doing tonight?
Probably watch some SVU and then head to bed

Have you ever played a Wii?
actually I haven't, I am so technologically behind in that respect but I don't think I'm any less of a human being

What color are your eyes?
I can't see my eyes

Are your parents home?
Well it is after midnight so should they be home?

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
I have before and people told me I looked better as a blonde

How long until your next birthday?
hmmm 4 or 5 months, I'll have to go check my ID because I can't remember

Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you, but spelled differently?
no, my middle name has a pretty standard English spelling, there are no deviations

Would you rather long or short hair?
I like my hair short but I'm balding so I'm growing it out as a last ditch effort to trick a girl into liking me before I go bald

What's your favorite season of the year?
I like winter

Are any of your friends virgins?
there probably are a few

Day been rough?
the Brewers got hammered so you tell me

How often do you straighten your hair?
I don't really have that problem, I comb it and it's straight.

Do you look decent when you wake up?
I never look decent

Do you get jealous easily?
yes but my jealousy usually leads to defeat

Would you date someone who lived in another state?
why not, life is too short to let it be defined be imaginary lines

What is your favorite color?
I like navy blue

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
people say I have but I don't think I have

Are you texting anyone?
ummm I'm filling out this survey

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I hide them because I need to practice my hiding skills...never know when I'll need to use my skills for an impromptu game of Hide and Go Seek

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
I like to but sometimes I think shit just happens because it's the gods love to shit all over me.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
I think but then I'm not that talkative

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I suppose so

What kind of mood are you in today?
dejected

Do people underestimate you?
not as much as they undervalue me.

He truly is the 99%

And on the 6th day, the beer drinking douche will emerge from his cocoon.

I so want that sweater.

Since Saturday has become Caturday in these parts and Sunday has become Bunday, I think it's high time we appreciate Olivia Munn and celebrate Munn-day.

 

Yeah...I am so alone.  Will some single lady please come and keep me company.

#caturday I'm avoiding a title that would escalate the drama.  I'm away enjoying Wisconsin sports teams dominate and then try to catch up on my fishing and while I'm gone it seems like Xanga exploded.  Anyway, here are cats.  Don't drag them into your drama.

Brewers win the World Series...Packers win the Super Bowl...Badgers destroy the SEC...DEAL WITH IT!

Packers and Brewers and Badgers...damn.

Well I wasn't around much yesterday or today.  I left home on Friday morning to go to Chicago to pick-up one of my aunts at O'Hare.  God that was a rush.  I think my blood pressure rose 10 points.  I'm not used to driving in the third largest city in America especially not when my current town only has about 1300 people.  I was also shocked at prices.  Man I really am turning into a country boy.  I may not be able to drive in rush hour traffic but I know how to milk a cow and throw 100lb hay bales into a wagon so there.  Today a friend wanted me to go with him to look for some hunting supplies and other stuff.  I also checked out a machine that rolls cigarettes for you in the store.  God bless technology!  Now you got the long awaited Celebrity Round-Up.  I know three of you were chomping at the bit for it.

Zach Galifinackis turned 42 this week.  Oh Zach, you don't read this but I hope you had a happy birthday.  Thanks for answering me over on the other site.  I wonder if his birthday celebration was anything like the characters he portrays on film.  It probably was nothing like that.

Well the crazy Tupac fans that think he's still alive now have more evidence.  A sextape is supposedly being released featuring Tupac Shakur.  People claim that it's as erotic as his sex scene in Poetic Justice.  Even though the action in the tape supposedly took place in 1991 there will be people that claim he's still alive because how else would someone have a sex tape if they weren't alive?  The tape is only five minutes long and Tupac enters the room with a cocktail in one hand and a joint in another.  Then a groupie services him while one of his songs plays in the background and he "sings" along to it.  Then a member of Digital Underground, Money B, enters the room and he and Tupac sing the song all while the woman keeps Tupac's California Love in her mouth.  That actually sounds more entertaining than most celebrity sextapes but then I've never seen one so what do I know.  I think by holding a cocktail, smoking a joint, and getting a BJ, Tupac would definitely win a "pat your head and rub your belly at the same time" championship.  I wonder if the woman will come forward and tell her children and probably by now grandchildren that is her on her knees.  Such a proud family moment. 

Country music singer, Toby Keith, weighed in on the gay marriage controversy and what he had to say was sort of surprising.  Keith is pretty adamant in his support of the U.S. military and rightwing causes however when asked about "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Keith went on a rant: "That whole gay issue thing, that's never bothered me.  I've never seen what that affects and [why] anybody should care -- and they never do affect me.  First of all, we're going to stop somebody from getting a marriage license because they're gay? You won't stop them from living together, so what have you accomplished? ... Wasting a lot of money here and a lot of time that could be spent working on this deficit that we're under ... I never saw the reasoning behind getting in people's personal lives.  But the military is a tough thing. I don't worry as much about the heterosexual people fighting as I do ... about the gays. ... In the military or any class in life, you have people who have problems with it, and I'm wondering how that's going to be compatible on the battlefield. That's the only question I have, other than that I don't care.  It's just such a big issue that people make such a big stink about -- 'don't ask, don't tell.' ... And that sounds like our government: 'We'll fix it by saying, "Don't ask, don't tell." Everybody agree, raise your hands. All right, let's go get a snack.  You know, I don't know enough about what they proposed or what they've put in place here. ... Somebody's sexual preference is like, 'Who cares?'"  You know it's hard to give this guy credit because this is the guy who a few years ago wanted to see the Dixie Chicks beheaded because they had the audacity to question President Bush.  But now he's alienating the vast majority of his fan base because he doesn't see a problem with homosexuals having human rights.  Good for him.  There are bigger things that Americans need to be worrying about.  Things like gas prices and bears and the Brewers winning the World Series and the Packers winning the Superb Owl.

And while we're talking about country music...ARE YOU READY TO GET FIRED?  Last Monday, country singer and alleged legend, Hank Williams Jr. went on the FOX News program FOX and Friends and compared John Boehner playing golf with President Obama to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu playing golf with Adolf Hitler.  Yes, apt comparison because President Obama has imprisoned millions of people and killed off 6 million people because of their ethnicity.  In wake of the controversy, ESPN pulled the intro song to Monday Night Football which Hank has sung for 20 years.  I think ESPN waited for Hank to issue an apology but he didn't, all he did was say they were dumb, so ESPN announced that they would no longer use his song for their programming.  After the firing, Hank took to his blog as so many other people did and said his First Amendment rights were violated.  FUCKING HELL!  Let me explain this to you slowly because your fucking brain obviously can't grasp a simple concept.  The First Amendment doesn't apply when the government isn't involved.  If you represent a private corporation and you go on TV and say something asinine to millions of people that company has the right to fire you BECAUSE YOU REPRESENT THEIR PRODUCT!  If Hank said that and then a person went out and killed President Obama because of Hank's words then his First Amendment rights would've been violated.  If you are so gungho about defending Constitutional rights, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING UNDERSTAND THEM FIRST, YOU FUCKING NUMBSKULL!

OK, better music, better music, better music.  Thom Yorke turned 43 this week.  What a weirdo?  Why is he even here?  He doesn't belong here.  He's a creep.  Yes, I know...lame.

Thomas Jane plays a guy on TV who sells himself for money.  Well they say art imitates life and it's true because Jane said that at one point in his life he sold his services on Santa Monica Boulevard.  The funny thing is, he admits he once tasted man but he said that if his character on the show ever did then the show was over.  And then the gay community was on his ass for his comments for free.  Well I guess he never really admitted anything: "I didn't have any money and I was living in my car. I was 18. I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean? You're a lot more open to experimentation as a young man. And for me, being a young artist and broke in Los Angeles, I was exploring my sexual identity. And probably because of my middle-class, white blue-collar upbringing, I would have never had the opportunity to confront some of my own fears and prejudices had I not been hungry enough to be forced to challenge myself in that way."  Then he was asked if it was a choice: "I don't know. I think up to a point it's a choice. But I'll tell you what — it's not a choice until you're open enough to experience both male and female sexuality. Until you've tasted the food, you don't know whether you'll like it or not, as my mom always said."  Basically he's saying it wasn't his choice to be straight but it was his choice to devour some man's tube steak sandwich.  Maybe he's just whoring himself with those comments to get an endorsement deal with Subway.

A lot of people are speculating that this may indeed be the final season of The Simpsons.  FOX told the show that they wanted all the voice talent to take a 45% salary cut.  The actors said they were willing to go as low as a 30% cut.  Given how much revenue that show brings to FOX they should either keep the pay the same or agree to the 30% cut.  I do blame Xenu for all this trouble.  He's upset because Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson) didn't give enough of her paycheck to the Church of Scientology.  When will we learn?  We must appease Xenu.

The show Free Agents was canceled after just three episodes by NBC.  I watched the premier episode and wasn't impressed.  The only thing they had going for them was the poster.  Maybe Hank Azaria should settle for that 45% pay cut from FOX since this show got canceled.  Maybe he wasn't cut out for being in front of the camera and should stick to voicing Moe, Apu, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Carl Carlson, Cletus Spuckler, Professor Frink, Dr. Nick, Lou, Snake, Kirk Van Houton, Sea Captain, Superintendent Chalmers, Disco Stu, and Duffman on The Simpsons.

NBC also canceled the Playboy Club after just 3 episodes.  Man, they are really going through their new shows and giving them the axe and yet they keep Whitney.  I don't get that show.  Is it supposed to be funny?  Am I supposed to feel bad that she's a victim of bad plastic surgery?  Why do they shove reality shows down our throats?  Hasn't the Biggest Loser been done to death?  I mean don't people get offended by that title.  They are calling the fat people on the show losers.  I think part of the reason why Playboy Club didn't last a full season was because it was supposedly controversial.  Some NBC affiliates didn't even bother airing it.  Screw you, Utah.  It probably also didn't last because it didn't cater to the lowest common denominator like Two Broke Girls or the re-tooled Two and a Half Men.

Just when you though I was going to bring you only depressing TV news, here's news that made me erect.  FOX pulled the plug way too early on Arrested Development and for the past 2 years there have been rumors as to whether or not there would be a movie to tie up all the loose ends.  Well the creator announced this week that the movie was going to happen and he gave everyone a bonus gift in saying that in 2013 there would be a new short season of possibly a dozen episodes.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOB MAKE IT HAPPEN!  If you want to watch the show you can catch it on IFC or Hulu.

The biggest Cinemax slut married the biggest man whore in rock music last weekend.  Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed tied the knot after living together for 28 years.  He promised to love her until another hot chick walks by.  If you want to read about the details of the wedding go here.  I hope those crazy kids make it and their marriage lasts for eternity or until their reality show needs a ratings boost so they go through a fake divorce.

Ron Jeremy introduced a new line of work.  He makes his own signature rum and is calling it Ron de Jeremy.  He even has cocktails you can make with his rum.  One is called a Ron and Coke.  It's four ounces of rum and one splash of Coca Cola and 0 bits of dignity.  Seriously, would you put your lips near anything that is associated with him?

Rihanna kicked off the European portion of her tour this week in London and she forgot she was performing in front of 20,000 people when she started thinking about me or at least that's what I'll tell the judge when I'm brought to trial for doing the exact same thing.

Have you ever read "Where the Wild Things Are"?  It was written by Maurice Sendak and this week he basically sent CBS a resume for the position that Andy Rooney left open.  This week he was interviewed by The Guardian and had many things to get off his chest.  Here's what he thinks of e-books: "I hate them. It's like making believe there's another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of book! A book is a book is a book." Hell yeah says the man who wants an e-reader but lives on Ramen.  Here's what he said about Rupert Murdoch: "His name should be what everything is called now. (Reporter: But doesn't he publish your books?) Yes! Harpers. He owns Harpers and I guess the rest of the world, too. He represents how bad things have become. But I don't know a better house. They're all in trouble. They're all terrible."  American politics: "These Republican schnooks would be comical if they weren't not funny."  Salman Rushdie: "That flaccid fuckhead. He was detestable. I called up the Ayatollah, nobody knows that."  Roald Dahl: "The cruelty in his books is off-putting. Scary guy. I know he's very popular but what's nice about this guy? He's dead, that's what's nice about him."  Stephen King: "Bullshit."  I think those quotes should be put into a new edition of "Where the Wild Things Are" and they should be read to children every single night.  Maurice truly is a wild thing.

This is the NSFW and NSFL portion of the Celebrity Round-Up.  Madonna had a photoshoot earlier this week and a few photos of Madonna changing outfits for the shoot leaked.  Well that sure is a see-thru bra.  I won't say anything disparaging otherwise @justjace will physically harm me.

Lindsay Lohan had nothing better to do this week than posing for photographs in Paris.  It's not like she has 400+ hours of community service remaining.  Have you ever got the idea that Lindsay's mom is forcing her to live this way and giving her the drugs?  I have this weird idea that Lindsay's going to die when she's 27 and her mom is going to make so much money on Lindsay merchandise by claiming that she was a legend.  I know I think weird but come on, Herbie Fully Loaded may just be the greatest film of my generation.

Kim Kardashian bought a $325,000 Ferarri this week with her blood money...ok so maybe she's no longer living off the money her dad made for defending O.J. Simpson but she's still probably living on her sextape money.  That's a lot of money to spend on something she can't and probably won't drive.  I guess Kim is just trying to think outside of the box and try something new.  Well it's hard for her to think outside of the box since she will always be tied to that sextape.

This is Kendall Jenner.  She is Kim Kardashian's 15 year old half-sister.  Kendall is now making money as a bikini model.  Her mom, Kris Jenner, should be proud.  I guess Kendall is just following in the footsteps of the typical Kardashian whore plan.

YES!  Cher tells it like it is!  I smell a Twitter war brewing.

An early photo was released of Julia Roberts as the wicked queen in the live-action Snow White movie.  I think this will be a bad movie.  That laugh of hers puts people in comas and she's just plain creepy.  Even dogs are afraid of her.

Singer JoJo has joined the ranks of attention whores and posted photos of herself in a bra on Twitter.  I don't know any better way to come out as an attention whore.  I don't think these were good shots.  Her hair makes it look like she still is wearing a shirt.  Next time when she decides to post photos of herself in a bra she better get a smaller bra or better yet no bra at all. 

Have you seen the new previews for The Rum Diaries?  The new Johnny Depp movie is about Hunter S. Thompson's adventures.  I really want to see the movie however something is making me apprehensive and that is the previews.  They are using songs by Pit Bull...wtf?  Anyway, Johnny Depp reminded us this week why he doesn't do many interviews.  He had this to say about photoshoots: "Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow.  Raped … It feels like a kind of weird — just weird, man."  I don't understand how celebrities find it appropriate to complain about their plight of being famous by comparing it to sexual assault.  Well if Johnny wants to use sexual assault in a comparison then he should apologize for molesting me out of money and time to see The Tourist.  God that movie was awful.  And in other news, Depp had a dumptruck drive to his house and dump a pile of money on his doorstep to do a live-action movie about Dr. Seuss.  I wonder if Tim Burton will direct and they will make Dr. Seuss seem like a bizarre and fucked up man.

Jenna Fischer (she plays Pam on The Office) gave birth to a baby boy and named him Weston Lee.  This was her first child.  If you watch The Office you'll know that Pam is pregnant.  In fact she was pregnant when they filmed episodes for this season.  I wonder if Weston will make his screen debut next season as Jim and Pam's baby.

Hulk Hogan is complaining about the economy.  He is trying to sell his 17,000 sq. ft. house.  He originally had it listed at $25million but because no one was buy he's had to drop the price and now he has it listed at $8million.  This house has 5 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms, a waterfall, boathouse, and a 4 car garage.  Boo-hoo!  Who hasn't suffered in this economy.  Top Ramen is now 30cents instead of the regular 25 cents and because of that I've had to quit eating breakfast.  Thank god that I find half eaten and expired food in the dumpster at the local convenience store.

17 year old Courtney Stodden seems like she's a devout wife.  You can't see her husband but he's there.  Yeah the photos that were taken had to be staged because no one wears high heels to the beach.  And since you've stared at this hot mess, listen to this hot mess sing.  I bet in a few years that will be our new national anthem.  Courtney has been complaining that people think their relationship is fake.  Well when I think of fake and Courtney Stodden I just think of her implants.  Not even Roman Polanski believes she's 17.  And if you want to follow her and see how fake and crazy she is, take a look at her Twitter.

Coco posted these photos to Twitter and her nipples made a guest appearance.  HOT DAMN!

Amanda Seyfried posed for a magazine or something but sweet Lord look at those legs.  Those legs...damn.  Do they have leg implants because those can't be natural but damn them legs...wow.

Al Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders, passed away at the age of 82.  He was a maverick in the NFL.  Not only was he the owner of the Raiders but at one point he served as head coach and general manager.  He was the first person to draft a black quarterback.  He was the first person to hire a Latino head coach.  He was the first person to hire a black head coach.  He challenged the NFL when others remained silent.  He transformed misfits into winning football teams.  He made the NFL what it is today.  Davis will be greatly missed.  Just win, baby.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Here is my little cutesy introduction.  Now it's time for links.

1.  Westboro Baptist Church, the church to which a seated Xanga belongs, has issued a statement saying they will protest Steve Jobs' funeral and they spewed out some other nonsense.  Well here are some other things they've said about famous dead people.  Your blood pressure will go up a few points after reading.

2.  I am a teacher and well one thing I've learned over the years is that there is a lot of porn geared at student/teacher relations.  Have you ever watched one of those pornos set in a classroom?  Well if you're like this guy and me then you've noticed the blackboards.  Here's a site called Blackboards in Porn.  Some people have way too much time on their hands but at least time is in their hands and not something else.

3.  A photographer recently released photos of men doing classic pin-up model poses.  I don't know when I laughed harder.  Check them out.

4.  Conan O'Brien recently had a contest on his show asking fans to make postage stamps featuring Conan.  Here are the winners.

5.  A few weeks ago the internet was abuzz when Scarlett Johannson had nude photos leak.  Well here are some of the most important leaked pics.  Yeah if you hadn't guess it's NSFW.

6.  Americans seem to be obsessed with size and making the largest and biggest products.  It might also explain why there is an obesity epidemic of which I suffer.  Anyway here's a collection of some of the biggest things out there. 

7.  Best.  Headline.  EVER!  Seriously I have always wanted to start a Bible fight.

8.  I love reading about hoaxes and in the age of the internet there are more and more hoaxes out there.  That being said, here's the museum of hoaxes.  When I've been away from Xanga this has been a new home.

9.  Are you a zombie or want to become a zombie?  Are you a single zombie or want to become a single zombie?  Here's a site that could help you find a perfect zombie mate.  It's called Zombie Connect.  I can't be there because I don't crave brains although I tell zombie girls that I really dig brains.

10.  Can you believe this domain was available?

11.  Here's a fun little trivia challenge.  It's a world history A to Z challenge.  Good luck.

12.  Guy's I can't believe I'm going to share this with you but I found a sextape on a porn site featuring two Xangans.  You won't believe your eyes, trust me, you want to watch it.

Next time you're in St. Louis, go to the Budweiser brewery and watch how they make their beer.

The evolution of stupid.

Too soon?

Awww...genocide is so adorable.





Occupy Wallstreet because the Dude abides.

Those damn Wallstreet fat cats.

Be there.

It's hot...85F.  It shouldn't be that hot at this time of the year.  I was sweating like someone turned on a water faucet inside me when I was filling out customs reports for care packages I'm sending to soldiers.  I feel like I've lost a few pounds after standing in that unairconditioned post office with the sun shining directly on me.

I took out the terrible because I liked some of these tattoos. 

Do you see a lady talking to a clown or a skull?  And the other is something from M.C. Escher.

I love ambigrams and this tattoo is pretty cool.  When you look at it one way it says Arts & Science and then when you look at it the other way it says Philosophy.

Can you see Jesus' face?                        Fish and birds

Do you see a face or a man playing saxophone?

This is the same tattoo but it is two different portraits.  It's a queen and a king.  Not the best but still a pretty cool concept.

I think I'd rather try to weigh those with my hands as opposed to the scale.

This is some painting in tattoo form

Another ambigram...sinner and saint.

Do you see a lady looking at herself in a mirror or do you see a skull?

This tattoo is full of win.

This was one of the players of the Boston Bruins.  He celebrated winning the Stanley Cup by getting a tattoo.  Clearly he is a champian and not a champion.  You'd think someone would offer spelling help but then he probably took a few checks to the head so you can't blame him.

And as proof from this tattoo, champions aren't made in the classroom.

Fill'er up!

You know, I love the artistry behind this one but...WHY?

Lucky you!

You know that's not quite something I'd be bragging up in tattoo form.

I guess tattoos don't offer advice.

Wow, Jesus had very high nipples.

Apparently Gumby died for your sins and now you have the right to play with clay.

FUCK YES!  BEST! PORTRAIT! EVER!  I don't know which is creepier, the real Walken or tattoo Christopher Walken.

I live in Amish country.  This area has probably some of the largest settlements outside of Pennsylvania.  An Amish man once told me that the reason they came to Wisconsin was because they thought the communities in Pennsylvania and Indiana had become too liberal and were straying from the true Amish way.  A while back there was a large family of Amish that left the area and I asked one of the neighbors why they had left and he said that it was a decision made by one of the elders.  This particular elder thought that this Amish man was drifting from their way of life because during the winter he didn't wear his traditional straw hat and had started wearing a plain black stocking cap.  The elder thought the man should tough it out if he worked outside in the bitter cold.  Anyway that is the type of Amish we have up here.  I was browsing the web and found some photos of Amish women going wild.

Brother Ezekiel helped me find those heathen women.

Brother Ezekiel says that she should be raking those leaves instead of foolishly throwing them in the air just to have to rake them once again.

Brother Ezekiel hopes for this Amish woman's eternal salvation that she is calling the commodities exchange to see what the going prices are for hogs and milk.

Brother Ezekiel sees such a wanton display of merriment.  Surely there is a barn that needs raising or a pie that needs baking.

Brother Ezekiel is shocked that you are able to see this Amish woman's teeth and shoulders.

Watching the devil box and she only made enough food for her and none for her dozen children.

Brother Ezekiel doesn't even think she's driving to the market.

Such a waste of carrots.  Brother Ezekiel thinks that harlot made those men peel the carrots in an obscene manner.

JEHOSHAPHAT!  YOU CAN SEE HER KNEES!  AND SHE'S DANCING!

She's probably reading this heathen post now.

I’d like to give a shout-out to all my Amish friends reading this.

So Amanda Knox was set free from Italian prison.  It looks like Casey Anthony will have a roommate.

A study found that men overestimate their intelligence and women underestimate their intelligence.  The study said this was evident whenever couple got married.

A recent study found that 65% of Americans couldn’t name one Supreme Court justice.  That same 65% was able to name multiple TV show judges.  That’s not even a joke.

Rolling Stone has an article about why R.E.M. split up.  Apparently it’s because it is no longer 1995.

In California, Governor Jerry Brown signed legislation prohibiting cities from banning circumcision.  Brown was quoted as saying, “This bill is just the tip of things to come.”

Comfort food may relieve my personal stress but it doesn’t relieve the stress on my buttons and belt.

The world’s oldest running car was sold at auction this week.  It was built in 1884.  The world’s oldest Chrysler was sold this week.  It was built in 2006.

The bigger a girl’s sunglasses, the crazier she will be.

A study found that 45% of people can’t sing and they are known as “rappers”.

In a recent poll 50% of responders said that sex was a “deep and meaningful act shared between partners” and the other 50% were men.

Hank Williams Jr. was on FOX News and he compared John Boehner golfing with President Obama to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu golfing with Hitler.  ESPN promptly dropped Hank’s song from Monday Night Football.  When I turned on the game I didn’t know if I was truly ready for some football.  Maybe Chili’s could hire him to do their babyback ribs song.  They should replace Hank’s song with Prince’s “Purple Rain”.  He’d just change the words “purple rain” to “Monday night” and it would make a lot of sense and get me excited for football.  I also have to say that was pretty stupid on Hank’s part.  As if people needed another reason to hate country music.

We are going to have a short winter.  The University of Minnesota Golden Gophers were afraid to exit the locker room on Saturday.

My favorite sex position is the one where I’m having sex.

How many times do you get to do it before you are no longer considered bi-curious?

And now for your extra strength dose of motivation:

This Christmas I plan on giving Facebook gift cards to my family because nothing says “I love you” like giving people fake money so they can buy fake things for their fake farms.  Thus proving my love is fake.

If people say they have a secret ingredient for food they’ve made, that secret ingredient usually means they don’t wash their hands before cooking.

My blood type is the legal limit.  I watched the new Ken Burns documentary about Prohibition while enjoying a bottle of bourbon just like the Found Fathers intended.

The reason Governor Christie hasn’t announced his candidacy for president is because he’s negotiating with Herman Cain to be his vice president.  Christie is holding out for 8 slices of pepperoni a day but Cain is only willing to give him 6 slices of plain cheese.

I’ve always had the dream that some day I’d like to snort coke off a hooker’s ass but then I’d have to be a Republican and run under the family values banner.

I think I’m in love.  The true way to tell you are in love is if you can picture having sex with your partner when you are both in your 70s and you aren’t repulsed.

Why do girls ask guys if they want to have sex?  Is it some sort of trick question?

I’m listening to Digital Underground and I’m trying to think of people who would get busy in a Burger King bathroom.  I can only think of janitors and people who just ate at Burger King and have explosive diarrhea.  But it sure was fun smoking weed with that group.  They had the tallest bong I've ever seen.

Ladies, when a guy says you have nice eyes it means that you have nice boobs.

The best music to use when having sex?  The Statler Brothers.

A good way to tell if the woman you are with is the one for you is if she knows which wine goes best with all the items on the Taco Bell menu.

Nothing is sexier than seeing a woman wearing a Packers jersey and cheering on my team…wait, nothing is sexier than seeing a woman completely naked and cheering for the Packers.

I’m holding my breath because the Pulitzer committee is going to announce winners.  I’m expecting to win one because of my earth-shattering posts.

If you are a conjoined twin and you masturbate is that considered incest?  I’ll ask the twins.

What is the male equivalent of faking orgasms?  Saying you don’t look fat in that outfit.

Moneyball spoiler:  The A’s never win the World Series unless they have a line-up filled with guys on steroids.

I’ve found that the key to a woman’s heart is shaped like a large penis and has the VISA symbol on it.

Some people use Xanga for therapy and to make people laugh.  And then there are some people who use Xanga to be complete douches and harass everyone around them because their own lives are so shitty.  Guess which type there is more of on this site.

Say “I’m leaving Xanga” is like saying “I’ll have just one more drink”.  Quit fooling yourself.