Have you ever had the feeling that Hitler’s final solution was an attempt to prevent Adam Sandler from being born because Hitler was capable of time travel and came to our time and saw Jack and Jill?  Don’t worry, I can say this.  I’m Jewish.  How ridiculous does that sound?  Just because a person is a certain ethnicity it enables them to say derogatory things about their ethnicity.

I’d rather cuddle then have sex.

The only way Ron Paul can get more coverage for the GOP primary is if he starts harassing women or forgets how to count.

A local radio station started playing Christmas music on November 12^th.  I wonder how many of that station’s employees commit suicide.

Here’s a household tip, if you want to avoid injuring your thumbs while hammering get your wife to hold the nails.

A recent study found that weight loss restored sexual function for obese men.  They found it triggered two things.  First, guys were able to find their dicks and second, they were able to get dates once they weren’t fat.  Hmm I guess I am ahead of the curve because I can find my own dick.

If someone is talking to you and they being a phrase “With all due respect,” they’re insulting you.

Utah has the lowest electricity usage in the country but that’s because so many people are living in the dark.

There is a restaurant on Wall Street that charges $175 for a hamburger.  You’re not just paying for quality meat but you’re also buying stock in Newscorp.

My last girlfriend always said that she never made mistakes but she just dated them.  How’d she know my parents never wanted kids?

A recent poll said that 75% of all people drive while they are distracted.  In fact, all the respondents took the poll while driving.

The United States surpassed $43billion worth of exports in 2011.  It’s just too bad that the number one thing the U.S. exports is jobs.

Al Gore has linked climate change to environmental catastrophes on the Great Lakes including algae growth, sewage spills, and Cleveland.

A study revealed that men can become aroused at the scent of pumpkin pie.  How bad are we as a society that foreplay has been replaced with baking?  No, our society can be judged by the antics on Black Friday.  Oh what, Christmas is a religious holiday?  You could’ve fooled me.

I think Thanksgiving is the only day of the year when the Karadashian girls ask for white meat.

Never wear a red shirt to Target or a blue shirt to Walmart during the holiday season.  You’ll get trampled by an unruly mob wanting cheap waffle makers.  Black Friday is America’s running of the bulls.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

The best part about spending time with your family at the holidays is when they leave.  Thanksgiving is the one day a year when families get together and realize why they only get together once a year.

The best deals on Black Friday were at the Dollar Tree where everything is a dollar.  Most Americans should be shopping at that store instead of digging themselves further into debt.

Screw Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, I want to see a Walmart Thanksgiving Day parade.

I guess Urban Meyer became a better father and husband in the year since he left the University of Florida.

I still find it ironic that I see commercials for Christian Mingle while watched Excused and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

When it’s my time to die, I hope I don’t die in a Walmart stampede or hung with my belt in a Thai hotel room closet because I was beating off and needed that extra rush.  Either way is pretty embarrassing.

I did stand outside a Walmart on Black Friday with a sign that said, “The Line Starts Here” with an arrow that pointed to my penis.

Mathematically speaking, numbers don’t talk so stop using that phrase.

The best part of having a girlfriend is knowing that she loves me when she says I’m a stupid piece of shit that doesn’t do the dishes.  I think she may be the one.

I went to the hospital today and when I was leaving I decided to take the elevator.  A girl was going to get on and I asked, “Are you going down?”  I then started giggling like a 12 year old.  She didn’t get on and I went down by myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…if I could do that I wouldn’t have left the house.

I’m watching WWE wrestling and they advertise this video game and claim it has predator technology.  I wonder if Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine are in the game.

I know less about women than anyone else out there but I do know that women tend to do freaky shit when they feel sexy.  Ladies, you have lovely hair and I love your eyes.  They are so beautiful.  Hopefully that gets a girl to do something freaky like me.

I hear the commercial…every kiss begins with a “K”…since when did they start spelling chloroform, Kloroform?

I’ve never driven a Mini Cooper but I have passed out in a closet filled with folding chairs so I guess I have driven a Mini Cooper.

I don’t think I’m marriage material since I still have hopes and dreams.

You should probably increase your time in therapy if you use Xanga to boost your self-confidence.

This Thanksgiving, I was thankful for Xanga and especially the girls on Xanga…that was a compliment so um, freaky shit.

Now that Meebo chat is defunct, maybe Xanga could replace it with Farmville or some other shit like that.

Have you ever noticed that social networking has made people anti-social?

You know what’s really funny…people on Tumblr who say they are bloggers.

Well, class, I just finished reading your last assignment.  I was quite pleased with your answers.  I was very pleased with the people who dared answering the second question.  I guess it's not every day that a person asks you to describe your genitals in three words.  For those of you who participated and for those of you who were curious but didn't answer here are my answers...Boom Boom Pow, MMM MMM good, Wisconsin crotch rocket, Mama's squeeze box, shoot to thrill, beast of burden, who are you, smells like cheese, throbbing Wisconsin sausage, and not used much.  I hope those suffice.

And now for this week's assignment...

Who wins and why?

OK, class, get to work and don't forget to answer the "why" portion.

I found a post I did three years ago and apparently it was a trend going around Xanga at the time where people posted things that they wanted to do.  I guess it was a bucket list of sorts.  I always wanted to do one of those Xanga trend things but I'm not cool or controversial enough.  Anyway here's what I want.

1.  I wanna...speak more languages.  I don't think the amount I know now is enough or at least it hasn't paid off that I can speak and understand 8 languages.

2.  I wanna...give out hugs to random strangers I meet on the street but now that Wisconsin has a conceal/carry permit I'd probably get shot.

3.  I wanna...go to a bar and have everyone shout my nickname as I walk in.(it sounds close to Norm)

4.  I wanna...punch the kid from Problem Child right square in the face because I can't stand him.

5.  I wanna...roll a car off a cliff once again.(it was a tremendous adrenaline rush although now I am two inches shorter and have had memory issues, maybe another roll would correct it)

6.  I wanna...petition 7-UP to have a real throwback or retro version of the soft drink.  One where they put Lithium in the drink.

7.  I wanna...be the next funny fat guy but not meet the same demise as Belushi, Farley, or Candy.

8.  I wanna...grow a set of balls and post my "spring fling" photos on here.  (A photo company came to my school with the idea of spring photos and called them Spring Fling Photos and the kids got to pick different poses.  I did one and a couple years ago gave that picture out to a few friends but I think they threw it away.  I was so cool too.  I was seated on a bench and my elbow rested on my knee and my fist was under my chin and I had a wide open-mouthed smile.)

9.  I wanna...ride a horse over a hill and when we barrel down the hill I fire a 6 shooter with the music from The Magnificent Seven playing and then I save whatever needs saving and ride off into the sunset and then my horse will rear up and I take off my cowboy hat and wave it as the screen fades to black.

10.  I wanna...know what it's like to be happy.

So I guess that means you are tagged.  I don't know how to force you to do this so do it at your own choosing.

And if you don't want to participate here are some things for you to laugh at.

I sat back there for hours and nothing happened.  Talk about false advertising.

Have you ever wondered how NFL players answer nature's call when they are on the field?  Apparently they get an equipment guy to hold up a towel while they piss into a Gatorade cup.  I'd hate to be the one to take that cup after a long series.  Oh and another way they do it is they just piss themselves.  When you're playing in below freezing temperatures, urine may be your only source of heat until you get back to the locker room.

You'll probably have to open this one in a different tab.  I thought that was a pretty good comeback except for the killing.

That was the best Choose Your Own Adventure book.


OK, those go together.  I feel bad that that girl is going to be a mother...her poor, unborn child.

It's a great day indeed.

#caturday Insert something witty here.

In lieu of my cats, here's some videos.




I couldn't resist.

Oh and if you haven't, give the Celebrity Round-Up some attention.

So today was meant for laying around and watching college football to recover from eating and watching football yesterday.  I get a phone call from my mom and she asked if I wanted to go to a store a few towns over because she doesn't like driving alone at night.  I jumped at that because I'd get to see what got picked over during Black Friday.  I was surprised to see everything in it's right place.  Saw some deals and let them stay at the store.  I did end up buying a toy car for someone.  I think I'm done with my Christmas shopping...for now...but I might see something and get it down the line.  I got some Culver's tonight because the flavor of the day was Brownie Thunder...vanilla frozen custard, caramel swirl, and huge chunks of brownies.  I think I had at least 3 brownies in my serving.  Anyway, it's time for the round-up.

This is Taylor Momsen.  She's 17 years old so quit thinking those thoughts, perv.  I don't have kids that I know of but I'm pretty sure if I did I wouldn't want them to act like Taylor, you know, out doing underage smoking and dressing like that to attract the attention of old men.  Who cares if she likes to dress like that?  She's my daughter.  But then I'm pretty sure that last question will come under fire but oh well, once a girl turns 18 then I'll let her wear as little as she wants.  Maybe parents want their kids to act like this because so many parents these days live vicariously through their kids.

Bjork turned 46 this week.  Yeah...Bjork.  I remember a few weeks or so ago I tried to start Operation Pjork Bjork.  It didn't take off because she's really touchy about stalkers ever since that one guy killed himself because of who she was dating.  Anyway, Bjork's hot and do yourself a favor and find a copy of "Dancer in the Dark".  It's a good movie.

Sofia Vergara's former publicist wanted her to get breast reduction surgery.  I couldn't find his name but I'm pretty sure it was Lucifer Devil Satan.  Sofia told her mother what the publicist said and her mother said that if she cut her boobs, God would punish her.  Sofia said she didn't regret it because her boobs play a big part in her career.  A big part?  Those are her career.  If she had the surgery, she'd be a small breasted bimbo with no talent whatsoever, sort of like Paris Hilton.  I think her mother was right.  If she would've had surgery God would've become angry and my wrists probably wouldn't have so much arthritis.

This week Miley Cyrus turned 19 and Snooki turned 24.  They share the same birthday which explains quite a bit.  I'm still a little shocked that Snooki hasn't started bootlegging whiskey but that may be a new venture for 2012.  Good news, Kelly Osbourne is throwing Miley a birthday party because she thinks that even though Miley is only 19 she's on the same mental age as Kelly.  Well, I guess 13 is an age.  Kelly also said that Miley deserves a party because she has so much pressure on her.  Really?  What work has Miley done except getting in front of a camera this year.  I'm thinking this party will be a blast and people will be talking about it for some time considering the amount of time Kelly has spent in rehab and the amount of criticism Miley got for smoking something legal.  I expect the party to involve massive amounts of pie and Miley and Kelly talking shit about people who are more relevant than they are.  Or maybe they'll go all out and have Cherpumple.

Now back to Snooki...sorry.  She broke up with her long-time boyfriend after her birthday party.  Well I guess in MTV reality star years, 3 years dating someone is a lifetime.  She told her boyfriend that she was famous and should be dating someone famous.  OK, Snooki, you're an idiot.  You have to limit yourself to who you can date because of Jersey Shore-itis (a medical term for the massive amounts of STDs each cast member of Jersey Shore has been infected with).  The only people you could date at this time that have the same amount of STDs if not more, are Paris Hilton and every person she's slept with so I guess Snooki has a lot of options for dating.

Speaking of Paris Hilton...you know she has so many STDs, namely herpes, and she'd give a horse a blowjob if it meant getting publicity and news time, so here's a photo of Paris in a bikini while infecting on vacation in Bali, if you're into that sort of thing, perv.

Salma Hayek stumbled while leaving a hotel she was staying at while visiting Paris.  At first I was thinking that her daughter pushed her but look at that adorable face, she's not capable of doing evil.  I figure Salma is just top heavy.  QUICK!  Someone hand her a baby to breast feed.  You know, the related videos on youtube are quite strange.

Reese Witherspoon went for a walk this week and that's about it.  Nothing to see or mention here.  Just keep reading and whatever you do, don't click on the photo because there is nothing to see.  *starts whistling innocently*

This is Nicole Scherzinger.  P Diddy compiled a coffee table book that is called Culo.  The book is just a compilation of celebrities baring their asses hence the title.  So while you drink your coffee you can enjoy looking at celebrity asses.  Dear Santa, please give me Culo.  Dear God, please let Coco be in that book.

I once promised a Xangan that I would never post photos of Mickey Rourke but I think she's no longer active here so here's Mickey Rourke.  I just couldn't resist posting this photo.  I guess pants are always optional when you're Mickey Rourke.

A song by David Bowie comes to mind when I look at Kate Gosslein over the years...Cha cha cha Changes!  I'm not one to speculate but I'm pretty sure she got a facelift because that last photo is the current Kate.  Either that or she was burned alive and replaced with a clone.  I'm pretty sure I could have my head cut off and replaced with a basketball and I'd be more recognizable than her.  Can you imagine the conversation she had with her kids when she told them she was having a facelift..."Well, kids, Mommy's going to use your college fund to get a facelift because Mommy needs to shake off the cobwebs and get laid."  Staffers say she is obsessed with her image and in 2007 she had a tummy tuck and in 2009 she had breast implants and she has a tanning session three times a week.  She even tried to give herself Botox injections and if you look at the last photo you can tell she botched it.  Just look at her eyebrows.  I can't blame her for trying to fight Mother Nature and Father Time.  They are a formidable tag team.  Too many women let themselves go after they have kids so take a lesson from Kate Gosslein.  That lesson is that no matter how many kids you poop out don't give up on your looks until the bitter end.  Remember, this is a man's world and you have are your looks.  Now that you're done reading this could you make me a sandwich and fold and iron my laundry?  By the way...THIS WAS SARCASM!  Don't be like, Kate.  Be happy with who you are.  I'd also say don't wear a lot of make-up.  Guys like the minimal effect.  All the surgeries in the world won't fix your attitude and Kate should learn THAT lesson.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were spotted together at the America Movie Awards.  Isn't it cute when little kids play dress up?  In other Bieber news, he took his DNA test last Friday.  Just a few more days and we should know the results.  If Mariah Yeater's kid is Bieber's then she hit the jackpot and if it's not his kid then she will be fed alive to the rabid Bieber fans.  Bieber was on Letterman and Letterman said that he could smell a weasel and Bieber agreed.  Now Bieber has to wait on Yeater to have her baby tested.  You know if Maury handled this it would've been taken care of in like 5 minutes.

Joel McHale turned 40 this week.  I only post him because he's sort of my inspiration in writing this post but then I have miles and miles to go before I get on his level.  PLEASE READ THIS JOEL!  I WANT TO WORK ON YOUR SHOW...WELL THE SOUP SINCE NBC SCREWED COMMUNITY!

Yes, Jennifer Lopez, we get it.  You're single and ready to mingle and by mingle I mean have casual sex.  I can see she really wants to jump on any man with a pulse but she had better be careful backing that ass into Pitbull otherwise we may have to call the ASPCA on her for animal abuse.  Even worse, we'd have to get the little people on Pit Boss after her for abusing that Pitbull.

Jessica Simpson has told people around her that she's having a difficult pregnancy and that's mostly because her doctors warned her that if she doesn't stop eating junk food, she's going to hurt her baby.  Her mother and sister Ashlee have told her about all the chemicals in processed food but she won't have none of their propaganda.  She begs her boyfriend/fiance Eric Johnson to bring her a brownie.  One isn't bad but when Jessica eats a brownie she has to have ice cream, potato chips, and french onion dip.  She's also having trouble sleeping because she's suffering supposed withdrawal from her junk food and the stress is hurting the baby.  I think in this photo she's on her way to the local meeting of Occupy McDonald's.  Let's not kid ourselves here.  There is a chance the kid will have a lobster claw growing out of it's back simply because Jessica Simpson is the mother.  She's sort of weird like that.  Now her baby will probably also have diabetes and a high cholesterol level because Jessica is eating junk food like the kid who discovered the chocolate river in the Willy Wonka movie.  She's negotiating a deal with Weight Watchers for $4million to lose the pregnancy weight.  Eric Johnson has said that he's disgusted by her weight gain so this was why Jessica initially contacted Weight Watchers but that was BEFORE she got pregnant.  If Johnson doesn't like her, I'm sure he could find a job pumping gas in El Salvador.  Jessica will just move on to another overrated NFL quarterback.  Jessica could date Tim Tebow.

Jennifer Love Hewitt broke up with her boyfriend this week and it looks like she's not handling it.  Actually he broke up with her via text message.  Who does that?  Seriously!  The text messaging and email break up is so fucking spineless.  This is her third break up this year alone.  I'm starting to think that there's a problem with Jennifer but what could it be.  Does she have a lobster claw growing out of her back?  Does she have a farting problem?  Is she related to Courtney Love?  How can someone run through so many d-list men without getting married?  I guess now she can hook-up with Seth Green or that guy who played the police officer turned psychic on Heroes.  You know the guy, he's the one who read minds and solved crimes and then when the storylines got so messed up he could make people think what he wanted them to think and then for a while he could go into dreams and then he was invincible.  Yeah, Heroes sucked.  I have a feeling the reason why Jennifer can't keep a man is what the great philosopher/police chief Clancy Wiggum once lamented...why are all the pretty ones insnae?

Speaking of Courtney Love...ain't she glamorous?  It looks like she almost popped out of that dress.  It wouldn't have happened if she wore the dress properly, namely not having it on backwards.  Is it me or does her right boob look like it's trying to migrate left to be joined with it's silicone twin?

I know last week I said I'd never write about her again but...PUBLICITY STUNT ATTENTION WHORE!  How can you help serve the homeless when there are cameramen around you?  Oh and I won't mention her by name but there is a new book called Celebrity Inc. and the author states how people like this whore make their money for doing absolutely nothing.

1. On average celebrities make $33,000 per pound just for losing weight when they have an endorsement deal with a weight loss company.
2. $10,000 per Tweet
3. 50% of all proceeds from staged paparazzi photos
4. $10,000 "secret" endorsement checks to wear certain items of clothing.
5. $100,000 for baby photos (except for the very high end babies which can command $1 million)
6. $25,000 for a club appearance
7. All expense paid trips for them and their entire family to show up and say they support a charity

ARE YOU SICK YET?

Her brother, Rob Kardashian lost the Dancing with the Stars competition.  This was a surprise since his sisters cheated by posting a number to vote for him on Twitter claiming the number was Justin Bieber's phone number.  I guess people actually hate his family.  He actually had a lead in the dancing portion but he lost by a large margin once the votes were tabulated.  And like every Kardashian, Rob was graceful in defeat when he said this: "I'm super thankful.  This is such a crazy experience. I'm definitely not sad. I won in my book."  Well just wait, when your mom writes another book about how she's such a great mother she'll claim you won the competition and the dullards who buy the book won't question anything because they have less than half a brain.  This guy is 24 years old and is only famous because he lives with his sister, a sister who once took a load of semen in her mouth on camera from a guy who only achieved fame because his sister was a singer.  I guess because his sister enjoys ingesting semen (I hear it's good for the skin) he gets to be on TV a lot.  There are Egyptians in Tahrir Square and Americans occupying various places who are on TV quite a bit as well but I'm not going to pick up my phone and vote for them because they did a mediocre samba.

This is what Brett Favre has been doing in his retirement.  I think he'd better stay off the football field and not sign with the Chicago Bears or Houston Texans otherwise Clay Matthews would be posing with the lifeless carcass of Favre and then he'll taxidermy Favre and place his taxidermied body in the atrium of Lambeau Field.

Well that was a quiet week.  I hope you enjoyed.  Have a great weekend.

So I thought I would share multiple ways you can ruin your Thanksgiving because I did some experimenting this year.  Of course, you will have to try these next year. 

Something may be labeled NSFW

-Call your father a "butt plug" during the pre-meal prayer
-When saying the prayer, throw your arms in the air raising them to heave and begin to sway like one of those wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men and then start screaming in tongues.
-Tell the cook that Chef Gordon Ramsay would kick them out of Hell's Kitchen for their culinary abortion and that Guy Fieri would enjoy the food because he is a dullard.
-Drink 10 beers in 10 minutes and let the fun begin and of course the beer has to be Schell's Lake Maid and with every bottle say "Normally I wouldn't eat (insert type of fish here) but for Miss (insert type of fish here) I'd make the exception.  You really need to go to the website to understand my lame attempt at humor.  Also you have to remember that I started that company's myspace site and refused to sell.  I am a moron. 
-Be a Lions fan so the meal will be more depressing.
-Hit your brother-in-law in the face while playing a pick-up game of basketball...that happened last year when Barack Obama's brother-in-law elbowed him in the face during a game.  Surprisingly, he's still alive and Obama didn't use one of his free kills on him.
-Discuss how your daughter will be starting college and your granddaughter will be graduating from kindergarten this school year and you are only 30 years old.
-Demand that everyone watches the news and when it's not turned to FOX News go into a tirade saying how FOX News is the only fair and balanced news source and when asked about certain issues facing our country and you have no clue say that FOX News hasn't told you how to think about these issues.
-Become a militant NASCAR fan and demand that NASCAR be deemed a legitimate competitive sport
-Go shopping
-Tell everyone that you got a new job with TSA and grope yourself at the table and say that you are just practicing
-In most states marrying your cousins is legal...wink wink nudge nudge say no more
-When you see a family member drinking Starbucks declare your hatred for the chain and say they are responsible for the collapse of the economy but laud their use of this song in their new commercials because Matt Pond PA really rocks.

-Two words: pro-wrestling reenactments
-Tell everyone that you are a "master baster"
-Talk about how awesome Tumblr is especially when your URL is AnalGoatFister69
-Show how much you appreciate the meal by belching and farting at the table.
-Set all the clocks in the house back or ahead an hour.
-Silly string makes meals memorable
-Explore your new found love of nudism.
-If you don't have a significant other and want to avoid family asking if you're out of the closet yet, hire a hooker to be your date and when asked how you met her tell your family you bought her on the street corner.
-Serve Kool Aid at your family's meal.  Spike the drink with methylene blue.  When methylene blue is ingested it will change the color of urine to blue.
-Unscrew the filters to every water faucet in the house.  Fill the cap with potassium permanganate.  When people use the water, there will be a reaction between the water and potassium permanganate and the water will turn purple.  Hopefully you come from a family of dullards and they love the novelty of purple water and put it on their hands and face.  When the water and potassium permanganate combine and come in contact with human skin it stains the skin brown.  Then when you see family members with stained hands ask if they haven't been potty trained and don't know how to wipe their asses.  If it's on their face, start singing the country song, "Looking for love in all the wrong places".
-Secret ingredient...silver nitrate.  When silver nitrate comes in contact with skin, it stains skin black.
-Let this be your family meal:

"Give us this day, our daily white bread."
-This is your meal:


Don't worry, I'm not a cannibal.  I'm just a deviant.  I hope that didn't trigger any recovering cannibals out there in Xanga land.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

I was going to make a good post tonight but time got away from me with church and then American Horror Story and then this show about the Spear of Destiny.  Anyway I got thinking of tomorrow and the highlight isn't the meal or being with my family it's the Packers.  I feel so fortunate to be watching the Packers play at such a high level.  For the first half of my life we often called them the Slackers because they weren't the best.  They'd barely get in the playoffs but unlike most fanbases, we still cheered them on and sold out every single game.  I'm not old enough to know Bart Starr or Ray Nitsche.  I remember Tim Harris pulling out the six shooters, Jeff Query's horrible mullet, Don Majikowski being the magic man, Sterling Sharpe's tiptoeing the line catches, Reggie White being Reggie White, Travis Jervey's braces, Gilbert Brown eating ribs, Gilbert Brown having Burger King sell his burger which was a triple Whopper, Gilbert Brown digging graves, and Brett Favre.  I know who caught Brett Favre's first completed pass well if you don't count the interception his first completed pass was to himself.  In the 31 seasons of my life, the Packers have only had 8 losing seasons and have won 2 Super Bowls.  This organization is amazing.  First, it's the only publicly owned team in all sports.  The organization sells stock and for a hundred bucks you become part owner of the Packers.  Also, they are so consistent at every position on the field.  When one star player departed, another was ready to fill his shoes.  Take the receiving corps.  When Antonio Freeman left, the Packers put Javon Walker into that role and then when Walker left Greg Jennings took over.  The Packers also have unselfish players.  This season has just been so unbelievable.  None of this can really sum up what it's like to be a Packers fan or why one is a fan.  I think you'd have to live in Wisconsin.  We're the little guys.  Green Bay has the smallest population of any NFL city.  The Packers are larger than life.  The players, and it doesn't matter which player, is treated like royalty.  When Gilbert Brown and LeRoy Butler come to town for their charities, the red carpets are rolled out and people come from miles around just for glimpses of men who donned the green and gold.  Nothing can compare to the history, present hype, and the aura of the Green Bay Packers.

 Here's a poem I found a few years ago.

5 ticks left in the Super Bowl, the Pack they trailed by one.
The ball marked near the fifty.
Favre warmed up his gun.
And in the other end zone a man rose to his feet.
Tim the Die-Hard-Packer-Fan, knew this was destiny.
Shirtless, painted green and gold from his forehead to his heiny.
The smile slowly left his face.
He said, "Someone hold my Leiny".
He wet his finger, felt the air.
A headwind turned their way.
"Favre", he thought, "He's got the gun, but he needs our help, ya hey?"
He lumbered down the steps.
His mission now was clear.
Neutralize the headwind, or wait another year.
And as he stepped onto the field, security stopped him short.
They asked him who he was, he said "I'm Tim, I'm from up Nort."
"Whereabouts," they fired back.
"Sheboygan," he revealed.
"Whadda ya catch?"
He said "Mostly pike"
They let him on the field.
As Favre barked out the signals, Tim chugged a giant beer.
And then another, and one after that, as tension filled the air.
The ball was snapped, a route was run, Favre unleashed the ball.
Never had there been a spiral, so clean and far and tall.
And then it hit the headwind and started coming back.
Tim felt a rumble in his gut, now was time to act.
The burp came out so long and hard, the Yukon felt a breeze.
A tidal wave of beer and brats and half a wheel of cheese.
The blimp was lost for 7 days, skybox glass was shattered.
An Oshkosh woman lost her teeth. 
Tim's stomach left in tatters.
But the pass came down, the catch was made, and just before Tim died.
He was heard to say "The Pack are Back Oh For Cry Ay Ay"
His headstone reads, "Tim gave his life. Never did he wince.
He tailgates high above old Lambeau, grilling brats with Vince".

Green Bay Packers football...there really is nothing else like it.

I just accidentally took a daytime cold medicine instead of a nighttime cold medicine.  I’ve had three cups of coffee, it’s 225 miles to Chicago, I’ve got a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark outside and I’m wearing sunglasses.  It’s time to get weird.

PETA has denounced the new Mario game because Mario wears a fur coat.  Sadly, the coat was made from Donkey Kong.

Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable.  They also said that if the word “salad” is used in the food’s name then it is healthy.  Well I’m off to make some caramel apple and Snickers and deep fried butter and marshmallow salad.  If pizza is a vegetable then I know a lot of obese vegetarians.

Whenever you talk to someone who is attractive, the chances you do something stupid multiply by 100.

Papercuts are the last act of vengeance committed by trees.

A study said that 25% of Americans will have to work until they are 80 before they are able to retire but only if they can find a job before they turn 80.

Being a responsible adult is really screwing up my life.

Why is it that people want a piece of cake after someone has blown and spit on it?

A study found that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has an 89% approval rating.  Only two people have higher ratings, Abraham Lincoln with 91% and Jesus with 93%.  I wonder if this means that many years from now people will deny that Aaron Rodgers existed.

Do you remember when people used cellphones to call each other?

Two men recently invented a video game that can be played while men use the urinal.  This is a great thing except when the guy next to you asks to use your joystick.

The best way to cure an upset stomach is to have sex with a red-head because studies have shown that using ginger cures stomach ailments.

A study found that 50% of Americans have cut back on driving because of high gas prices. The other 50% have to walk everywhere they go.  Also drunk driving arrests are down because people can no longer afford booze and gas.

Always be yourself no matter what unless you suck then you should try being more like me.

A recent study found that teenagers who are sexually active are in the minority but there are still more teenagers having sex than married couples.  The study may be inconclusive because the married women faked all their answers.

I was sort of excited to see Breaking Dawn until I learned it wasn’t a porn movie starring Ron Jeremy.

I conducted a research study with a group of astrophysicists and we determined that the earth does not revolve around my ex-girlfriend.

Do you know that look women get right before they have sex?  Yeah, I don’t either.

I can hardly hear the TV over my dishwasher.  I sure hope my wife quits talking soon.

I have a huge money making idea.  I’m going to invent a remote control that will find my other lost remote controls.  Who am I kidding?  I’d lose that one too.

I have another big money making opportunity.  I want to make an ice cream sandwich that doesn’t make your fingers look like you’ve been playing with your own feces after you eat it.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

93% of married men say they want to drown their troubles but they can’t get their wives to go swimming.

There are reports that Urban Meyer is set to become the next head coach of the Ohio State football team.  I hope for his sake that Columbus has good hospitals because he’ll need to fake heart attacks when the NCAA sanctions come in.

I’m going to write the memoirs of my childhood but I’m going to make it all about bounce houses and hitting homeruns in little league.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away or in my case three apples a day keep my hemoglobin levels higher than those of a five year old.

The best part of having hardwood floors is that you can put on socks and pretend you are ice skating.  The worst part of having hardwood floors is that I can no longer feel my legs after that last fall.

The best part about being single is that I feel so accomplished when I eat a bag of chips or a whole pizza all by myself…and then the depression sets in.

The holidays are ruined.  My neighbor put up an inflatable snowwoman in his front yard and I had sex with it…all before Thanksgiving.  What is wrong with people?

What do you get if you combine B (boron) with O² (Oxygen)?  The element of surprise.  No one will get this.

The worst part about dating smart people is that I have to talk about things other than professional wrestling, weather, or Dancing with the Stars.

75% of all my flirting ends with me apologizing.

Xanga is pretty much like masturbation.  You are here to please yourself and if others like what you do then that’s even better.

If you’re new to Xanga then I have some advice for you…LEAVE!

When I see someone has unfriended me on Xanga, I get pissed off and say, “Fuck that loser” but then I read the post where I talked about soaking my girlfriend’s tampons in horse tranquilizers to keep her mellow during her period and then I’m saying, “Yeah, I feel you.  I’d unfriend me too.”

Get ready Xanga, we are now entering the time of the year when I become irrationally livid with anyone who lives in a tropical or subtropical climate.

A recent study revealed that the thing that brings people closest together is the mutual hatred of a third party.  Ladies, email me which Xangans you hate and I’ll see if we match up or you can just do the old-fashioned thing and send me nude photos.

Now people who are addicted to Xanga can log off from their home computer, walk to their car, log back on to Xanga while they go to work.

If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?

The more time I spend on Xanga, the more people I hate.

You do realize that in the time it took you to read this that somewhere in the world a teenage boy was caught masturbating by his mom.

I finished reading your last assignment and was thoroughly pleased.  After the long hiatus it seems like you still know how to answer questions.  I guess you get plenty of practice using the religious restaurant site.  Everyone gets an A.

This week you have the choice of one of two assignments or for extra credit you can do both.

A. 

B . 

OK, class, get to work.