I had my Blazer worked on today.  Apparently my brakes were pretty bad and had rusted through over the course of the summer.  I guess that would explain the burning smell when I drove.  Fun times.  I love you.  Time for the round up.  I include links to all the people so if you don't know who it is you can click the link to find out who it is and what they have contributed to mankind.

Winona Ryder turned 40 this week.  Did you know how she got the name Winona?  She was born in a town called Winona in Minnesota.  Winona, MN was named after the daughter of a Sioux chief that lived in the area.  Winona is an awesome town.  I've had my fair share of fun there over the years.  One of my best friends in high school lived in Winona.  I also saw Digital Underground in concert and Winona and was involved with shenanigans with them after the concert.  Did you know 10 foot tall bongs existed?  Well they do.  The good people with Digital Underground really knew how to party.  There is also a bar in Winona that a few of you would appreciate.  It's called Bub's and that's pronounced "boobs".  OK, let's see what is there to say about Winona.  They have a lot of crazy streets and bars.  I hope that check from the Winona tourism board clears.

In a recent interview with GQ magazine, Snooki talked about how The Situation from Jersey Shore is broke.  This may explain why he has started to sell custom made lollipops. It's supposed to resemble the Italian flag but only if the Italian flag was covered in rhinestones.  Snooki said that she saved her money and spent it wisely as if anything Snooki does could be labeled "wise".  So why am I saying this?  Well it makes me feel better about myself to know zit-face wonder abs is broke and it's also nice to know that after you read this you're going to have to squeegee the oil off your body because even reading about this guy you feel greasy.  The bad news is that you'll see more of this idiot when you watch TV.  This means you should ask for books for Christmas so you don't have to watch TV.

Oh man, look at that disgusting thing and her hat is awful too.  See what I did there?  Seriously what the hell is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing?  I hear she now picks up over 500 TV channels including HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, and ESPN Deportes.

The 4 day long Playboy photoshoot of Lindsay Lohan wrapped up this week and when Hugh Hefner saw the photos he was disgusted and ordered the shoot to be redone.  Let's hope she can get that shoot done before she has to go to jail...more on that later.  Hefner ordered a new photographer and set up a whole new concept for the shoot.  This time the shoot will only be one day because Lindsay won't be showing her vagina.  OK think this through...an 80 year old man didn't like her photos and could see that the heavy duty Photoshop couldn't save them so he ordered more shots without her vagina being visible.  I think Lindsay Lohan's vagina should see if it can get some work on American Horror Story either as one of those basement monsters or something in one of those basement jars. 

I've been making fun of Lohan for having awful meth teeth.  Well this week she took to Twitter and thanked a dentist for giving her Zoom, a teeth whitening process.  She should've used that Playboy money to get dentures.  It says a lot when the public makes fun of her teeth and say they look like undigested corn nuggets stuck in turds in the toilet bowl but she doesn't do anything when the public says she should fix her life and decision making skills.  Lindsay also had her court appearance for her probation violation this week.  She was sentenced to 30 days in jail without house arrest but she will only end up serving 6 days because of jail overcrowding.  It's times like these when I wish America adopted Saudi Arabia's legal system.  Also, the judge sentenced Lindsay to another 270 days of community service work in the morgue.  She may as well have ordered Lindsay to fly to the moon because there's no way in hell that's happening. 

Larry Flynt turned 69 (ha) this week.  This guy has done so much for America and if you don't agree then you should immediately relinquish your blog and your freedom of expression.  Let's all wish Mr. Flynt a happy birthday.

Lady Gaga is starting a foundation to curb bullying.  It's called the Born This Way Foundation.  She claims it will protect and nurture those who face bullying and abandonment.  Can we give the anti-bullying thing a rest?  You can't force or legislate people to get along.  It's unfortunate that people get picked on but that is life.  Bullying is horrible and should be stopped, but a foundation ain't gonna do shit to keep kids from being tortured and killing themselves. I remember sitting through this biology class and they talked about this guy named Darwin came up with this idea of the survival of the fittest and since mankind is derived from monkeys that applies to us as well.  Are these kids going to have Lady Gaga and their moms fight their battles when they turn 30?  By that time Lady Gaga will be writing children's books, studying Kaballah, and speaking with a fake British accent.  I think it's time kids learn to handle their problems without media intervention.  When I was a kid, the most effective way to deal with bullying was to man the fuck up and deal with it or fucking deck the person bullying you.  When I was 7 a kid picked on me.  I didn't kill myself.  I punched that fucker in the stomach and no one messed with me and when the teacher called my parents and they told the teacher that I had the right to protect myself.  I didn't need a shithead like Lady Gaga to help me.  Up until this point, the fucking earth has managed to spin without Gaga's help.  Animals and plants and humans have come and gone without Lady Gaga so it's safe to say that things will continue on when she's long and gone.  What's next?  Are we going to legislate and start foundations to make dogs and cats get along?  How about lions and zebras?  Oh and have you ever noticed that the anti-bullying crowd always turns into bullies themselves when they don't get their way?

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And if you were emotionally attached to their marriage and actually thought this would last longer than a year, well you're a moron.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In other divorce news, Zooey Deschanel and her husband Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie have called it quits.  A common word people use to describe Zooey is "adorkable".  Well adorkable can't compete with D-cups.  People claim that this is a mutual divorce and no third party was involved but I suppose when Katy Perry dyed her hair pink it was harder for Ben to fantasize about having sex with Katy while having sex with Zooey.  Seriously, their similarity is eerie.


This week every time I see Justin Bieber I start screaming "MAURY MAURY MAURY MAURY!"  A 20 year old woman named Mariah Yeater is suing Justin Bieber for a paternity test claiming he is the father of her 3 month old child.  This is how Mariah said the sex went down: "After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation. Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.  After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone -- a bathroom. We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.  In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything. He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds."  Oh she fell for the oldest trick in the book.  I don't know any guy who HASN'T said it was their first time so they didn't want to use a condom because they wanted to know what skin on skin felt like.  But 30 seconds...maybe it was his first time.  I don't know how this could be true since Justin can't have a penis.  Also, isn't it so sexy when a guy says "I want to fuck the shit out of you"?  I get very lovely mental images when I hear that phrase.  Bieber has issued a statement saying it can't be his child because he never goes backstage after concerts.  He says he hops in a car and leaves immediately.  Yeah, and I don't like boobs.  And of course the hormonally challenged toddlers who love Bieber have voiced their opinions on the matter.  See the tweet above.  This won't end well but then if it does the kid could have an awesome last name.  It would have to be hyphenated.  It would be Yeater-Bieber which of course when I say sounds like "eat her beaver".  Yeah, can you tell I've been without a girlfriend for a long time?   Some people are claiming that Justin can't be the father because he hasn't developed biologically but that defense was shot down by Bieber's manager, Scooter Braun.  Seriously, who goes by the name Scooter?  Scooter claims that Justin struggled to hit notes on his new Christmas album.  How old is he?  17?  His voice should've changed years ago.  I was biologically able to have children when I was 11 and my voiced changed when I was 12 or 13.  It sounds like Justin's body has taken longer to develop than the Republicans' jobs bills.  Now that his voice changed, he better hang on to every dollar he has because without the ability to hit those notes, he'll be as employable as a convicted felon with facial tattoos or Lindsay Lohan.

Google announced this week that they are going to pay Ashton Kutcher $100million to produce original content for his exclusive Youtube channel.  I must have been outside when Google called or maybe they felt bad when I told them to "go to hell and shove their search results up their asses" when they called about my Adsense being canceled because my site is naughty.  WTF!  If I wanted to see someone with money, power, and inability to keep his dick in his pants, I'd watch CSPAN.  Sure, he banged a chick that was past her prime but then so did K-Fed.  The only thing that has kept these men from winding up with the same fate is condoms.

People have been complaining that Britney Spears is giving lackluster shows in her current U.K. tour.  Come on, what do they expect?  A quality show?  She's a mother of two who wishes she could be driving her kids to soccer practice but she can't because of poor money management.  The only time a Britney Spears concert was fun was ten years ago when a guy could walk into a concert with a container of Vaseline while wearing a trench coat.  Now, her shows produce as much wood as Saudi Arabia.

A posthumous Amy Winehouse album will be released this December.  It is tentatively titled "Lioness: Hidden Treasures" and will contain unreleased music.  Songs included will be a slower version of her song "Valerie", a ballad version of "Tears Dry on their Own", "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow", "The Girl from Ipanema", a reggae version of "Our Day will Come", and a few others.  It will be sad to listen to because she had such a soulful voice.  Sadly I think this will be a huge selling album.

Zac Efron is dress as Officer Dangle from Reno 911.  You know Zac-y would LOVE to wear those short shorts all the time.  They're to die for.

Sophie Turner dressed as Pocahontas for Halloween.  I don't know what she was going for here.  Does she want me to rape her culture?  Does she want me to take her against her will, force her into a loveless marriage to ensure trade and commerce with the Powhatan?  Why wear a costume if you don't want me to be historically accurate?

Sara Jean Underwood wore this costume on Attack of the Show.  She is supposed to be some character from The Fifth Element.  I got a fifth element for that camel toe.  I have no clue what that is supposed to mean.  I haven't seen The Fifth Element but I should because if the character is anything like Sara Jean; cute, good body, barely wearing anything; it's a good recipe for a boner.

Paris Hilton dressed as She-Ra.  She-Ra was the most beautiful, strongest, and most powerful princess in Eternia.  Too bad those powers couldn't be used to fight herpes or the obvious incontinence.  Wow, she really had to go.

Olivia Munn dressed as a woman who hypnotizes me and breaks my heart on a daily basis.

Miley Cyrus(middle) went as a boner producing boner killer.

LeeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian dressed up like their real selves and have never looked classier.

Kim Kardashian dressed as Poison Ivy which is apt since everyone she touches gets infected with a rash.  Poison Ivy was an eco-terrorist who was obsessed with environmentalism.  Kim Kardashian is an attention whore who is obsessed with getting rich black guys to have sex with her.

Kelly Ripa and Nick Lachey dressed as Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries on their wedding day.  I love how Nick wore stilts.  They wore those costumes on the day that the divorce of Kim and Kris was announced.  Talk about sheer dumb luck. 

Kelly Brook was dressed for Halloween as the girl from Twilight.  That is a horrible costume.  She's showing way too much emotion to be her.

Jessica Simpson dressed as a mummy and tweeted this photo along with the caption "It's true, I'm going to be a mummy".  I see what you did there.  Very clever.  I can't believe she knows how to properly use apostrophes or as Jessica calls them "air danglers".  Commas are "ground danglers".  So much for that $500,000 payday that her dad was expecting.  If you go to her site, JessicaSimpson.com, the first thing you'll see is an ad for another website.  I guess that is one way to cash in on your fetus when no magazine will give you money for an exclusive story.  Well congratulations, I wanted to make sure she was actually pregnant and she wasn't suffering from a bloated stomach like me after one too many bean burritos.

This was one of Heidi Klum's Halloween costumes for one of her parties.  After I was thinking she was going as Heidi Montag during all her cosmetic surgeries but then I thought she was going as Steve Jobs or Amy Winehouse.  I have no clue what she's supposed to be.  Do you?

Heidi Klum and her husband Seal wore these adorable costumes for one of Heidi's other Halloween parties.  I think she had a wardrobe malfunction or maybe that's just part of the costume.  What the hell are they supposed to be?  Planet of the Apes apes or the real parents of the Kardashians?

Coco wore this for one Halloween party.  Happy Halloween to us!

Coco then wore this costume for another Halloween costume.  I think she's supposed to be some sort of sexy cat.  I have no clue what her husband, Ice-T, is supposed to be...Hannibal Lecter?  Anyway, I'd love to rip off those fishnets and slap that ass.

Chris Brown tweeted this photo of his costume.  He was going to go as Greenman from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Way to be subtle there, Chris.  After he tweeted he sent another one saying that maybe that wasn't a good idea for a costume.  You know what else isn't a good idea...sending a woman you beat photos of your dick because she will upload them to the internet.

Oh wow, AnnaLynne McCord is dressed so classy for Halloween.  I'm classy too.  I'll relate to you how I would procure gladness from Ms. McCord.  I would lacerate that garment and strike her buttocks in a hard fashion with an open hand.

Anderson Cooper dressed as his hero Phil Donahue.  I actually like this costume.  He looks like Donahue.  Cleveland, you're on the line.  Sorry I had no punchline.  I Just liked that costume.

Courtney Stodden and her husband Doug Hutchinson wore this when they went trick-or-treating.  Yes, they actually went trick-or-treating.  Now, tell me which on is Doug and which one is Courtney.  Oh god...I feel so dirty.

After that last one, it's time to go shower.  Have a great weekend.