There are three sizes of condoms…small, medium, and liar.

Did you know that the new iPhones and iPads float on water?  If you have either you should really try it.  SERIOUSLY, TRY IT!  A 90 year old guy bought an iPhone and he came back the next day because he said he couldn’t work it.  The store clerk took it and it worked just fine.  He asked the old man what seemed to be the problem and the old man said, “I press home and it doesn’t take me home.  I sat at the bus stop all goddamn day.”  Watching the elderly handle an iPhone or iPad is like watching a cat play with a dangling string.

A recent study found that guys who wear fanny packs are less likely to get in a girl’s fanny.  I can't believe I just said "fanny".

Thanksgiving is coming up and that means it’s time for my family’s favorite game to resume.  It’s called “Out Asshole the Asshole”.  Basically, I just act like myself.

When my parents wanted me to watch less TV and read more, I turned the closed captioning on while watching TV.  Best of both world, baby.

You know why women ask so many questions?  It’s because they have an extra why chromosome.

My dick is like a ninja.  Even when you can’t see it, you know it’s there.  He’s probably just hiding in my fat.

Experts discovered that 98% of people can’t touch their teeth with their tongue.  Experts went on to say that 100% of people reading touched their teeth with their tongue.

They are remaking the movie “The Never Ending Story” but they are changing the story to a guy who asked his wife how her day went.

President Obama has spearheaded a study to find ways to put out of work veterans back to work other than the Republicans plan of invading Iran.

You can’t spell Penn State University without “penis taster”.  And you can’t spell “I’m in a beautiful relationship” without “bullshit”.

Archeologists have found evidence that ancient Greek homes doubled as bars and brothels so this explains why fraternities and sororities have Greek names.

I always found it odd that my former girlfriend would let me put my tongue anywhere on her body but she wouldn’t let me drink from the milk jug.  Maybe that was her way of telling me she was dirty.

The odds of an NBA season happening this year are about the same as the chances of LeBron James actually winning a championship.

Whoever came up with the term “less is more” was never broke or didn’t have a small penis.

You can tell things are going well in Green Bay when there’s disappointment in the air when the Packers have to settle for a field goal.

Have you ever wondered why women’s Jell-o wrestling isn’t an Olympic sport?

Joe Paterno is seeking legal aide for a potential lawsuit against Penn State for wrongful termination.  It’s too bad that the only lawyer who will help him is named Grimm Reaperstein.

November 16^th is National Vagina Appreciation Day…just kidding…every day is vagina appreciation day.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Every time I hear a girl say that size doesn’t matter, I get a bit closer to finally taking the rolled up socks out of the front of my pants.

The NBA players aren’t worried about being locked out and able to drive it to the hole because they have Kim Kardashian for that now that she’s no longer married.

You should put a dollar bill in a jar every time you masturbate.  Don’t believe me?  I dictated this post to my assistant in the back of my own limousine.

John Huntsman seems like a reasonable and nice guy which automatically disqualifies him from winning the GOP nomination.

What do Jerry Sandusky and Michael Jackson have in common?  They’re both white.  What did you think I was going to say?

Do girls still find it attractive when a guy sings “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” in a crowded bar?

The news that Community has virtually been canceled is almost as bad as hearing “the condom broke” or “we’re out of bacon”.

Whenever I hear someone say they are going to do something “Texas style” I imagine that means they are going to execute something mentally handicapped.

Women aren’t as shallow as you think.  I’ve gotten plenty of attention from ladies for making them laugh.  It also helps having a big dick and piles of money.

I blame people’s problems with not being able to distinguish between “were” and “where” on Twilight and the growing popularity of wherewolves.

A dude with a ponytail and a sweater vest once made fun of my soulpatch and hoodie.  A blackhole of douchiness was created and it sucked up three hipsters in Minneapolis.

I was going to make a joke about how marijuana causes memory loss but I couldn’t remember it.

There are few Xangans that I won’t name by name but I’m sure you know who I dislike by this point that are what it would look like if urinal cakes took on a human form.

The difference between Xanga and Tumblr is the same difference as calling a girl cute or pretty.

New Xanga motto contest…Xanga: Bring the Drama of the Outside World to Your Home Computer.

Apparently there are new levels of dating: 1^st date=kiss, 2^nd date=blowjob, 3^rd date=sex, 4^th date=anal sex, 5^th date=tell your lover about your Xanga account and if they aren’t revolted then you’ve found true love.

People often say that Xanga is like high school.  If I went to high school with as many horrible people there are on Xanga I would’ve burnt that place to the ground.