Have you ever had the feeling that Hitler’s final solution was an attempt to prevent Adam Sandler from being born because Hitler was capable of time travel and came to our time and saw Jack and Jill?  Don’t worry, I can say this.  I’m Jewish.  How ridiculous does that sound?  Just because a person is a certain ethnicity it enables them to say derogatory things about their ethnicity.

I’d rather cuddle then have sex.

The only way Ron Paul can get more coverage for the GOP primary is if he starts harassing women or forgets how to count.

A local radio station started playing Christmas music on November 12^th.  I wonder how many of that station’s employees commit suicide.

Here’s a household tip, if you want to avoid injuring your thumbs while hammering get your wife to hold the nails.

A recent study found that weight loss restored sexual function for obese men.  They found it triggered two things.  First, guys were able to find their dicks and second, they were able to get dates once they weren’t fat.  Hmm I guess I am ahead of the curve because I can find my own dick.

If someone is talking to you and they being a phrase “With all due respect,” they’re insulting you.

Utah has the lowest electricity usage in the country but that’s because so many people are living in the dark.

There is a restaurant on Wall Street that charges $175 for a hamburger.  You’re not just paying for quality meat but you’re also buying stock in Newscorp.

My last girlfriend always said that she never made mistakes but she just dated them.  How’d she know my parents never wanted kids?

A recent poll said that 75% of all people drive while they are distracted.  In fact, all the respondents took the poll while driving.

The United States surpassed $43billion worth of exports in 2011.  It’s just too bad that the number one thing the U.S. exports is jobs.

Al Gore has linked climate change to environmental catastrophes on the Great Lakes including algae growth, sewage spills, and Cleveland.

A study revealed that men can become aroused at the scent of pumpkin pie.  How bad are we as a society that foreplay has been replaced with baking?  No, our society can be judged by the antics on Black Friday.  Oh what, Christmas is a religious holiday?  You could’ve fooled me.

I think Thanksgiving is the only day of the year when the Karadashian girls ask for white meat.

Never wear a red shirt to Target or a blue shirt to Walmart during the holiday season.  You’ll get trampled by an unruly mob wanting cheap waffle makers.  Black Friday is America’s running of the bulls.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

The best part about spending time with your family at the holidays is when they leave.  Thanksgiving is the one day a year when families get together and realize why they only get together once a year.

The best deals on Black Friday were at the Dollar Tree where everything is a dollar.  Most Americans should be shopping at that store instead of digging themselves further into debt.

Screw Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, I want to see a Walmart Thanksgiving Day parade.

I guess Urban Meyer became a better father and husband in the year since he left the University of Florida.

I still find it ironic that I see commercials for Christian Mingle while watched Excused and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

When it’s my time to die, I hope I don’t die in a Walmart stampede or hung with my belt in a Thai hotel room closet because I was beating off and needed that extra rush.  Either way is pretty embarrassing.

I did stand outside a Walmart on Black Friday with a sign that said, “The Line Starts Here” with an arrow that pointed to my penis.

Mathematically speaking, numbers don’t talk so stop using that phrase.

The best part of having a girlfriend is knowing that she loves me when she says I’m a stupid piece of shit that doesn’t do the dishes.  I think she may be the one.

I went to the hospital today and when I was leaving I decided to take the elevator.  A girl was going to get on and I asked, “Are you going down?”  I then started giggling like a 12 year old.  She didn’t get on and I went down by myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…if I could do that I wouldn’t have left the house.

I’m watching WWE wrestling and they advertise this video game and claim it has predator technology.  I wonder if Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine are in the game.

I know less about women than anyone else out there but I do know that women tend to do freaky shit when they feel sexy.  Ladies, you have lovely hair and I love your eyes.  They are so beautiful.  Hopefully that gets a girl to do something freaky like me.

I hear the commercial…every kiss begins with a “K”…since when did they start spelling chloroform, Kloroform?

I’ve never driven a Mini Cooper but I have passed out in a closet filled with folding chairs so I guess I have driven a Mini Cooper.

I don’t think I’m marriage material since I still have hopes and dreams.

You should probably increase your time in therapy if you use Xanga to boost your self-confidence.

This Thanksgiving, I was thankful for Xanga and especially the girls on Xanga…that was a compliment so um, freaky shit.

Now that Meebo chat is defunct, maybe Xanga could replace it with Farmville or some other shit like that.

Have you ever noticed that social networking has made people anti-social?

You know what’s really funny…people on Tumblr who say they are bloggers.