Huh?

1.  Have you ever watched a movie and there was a villain in the movie that you thought would be totally badass but then you saw them and thought that they looked lame and it ruined the movie for you?  Well here's some lame movie villains.

2.  Have you ever watched a movie and noticed a plot hole but it didn't bother you because other things had been tied up?  Well here are some plot holes that you may not have noticed or did but you got distracted.

3.  If you know me, you'll know that I am afraid of Gary Busey.  There's just something about him that is so off-putting and dreadful.  I just can't handle looking at him because I worry that I'm going to be taken under his control and he'll make me do illegal things to advance his causes.  Well here are some quotes from Gary Busey in comic form.

4.  I've heard all over Xanga that the government is too intrusive.  Either they are too intrusive into people's activities in the bedroom be it forbidding people from being married, terminating pregnancies, or having 20 children.  Well if you think our government is bad, here's a list of things other countries have banned.

5.  Have you ever noticed in movies that the people who play the dumb guys are usually some of the smartest people in real life?  Here's some of the smartest dumb guys in movies.

6.  Something I've always enjoyed reading articles and books from the past which attempted to predict the future, our present.  Well people are currently making predictions for the future and here are ten of those predictions.  I wonder if some Xangan in 30 years will find this article and mock it for all the predictions failing.

7.  Do you like cars?  I suppose most of us like cars but do you read up and study cars?  Anyway I have no clue where I'm going with this so here is a list of the 50 coolest cars.

8.  Have you ever found an old yearbook and looked at the photos and laughed at the people because of the hairstyles or fashion?  I always loved looking at my dad's yearbooks because 75% of all the guys had flat top hair cuts and the rest all had their hair slicked to the side.  So funny.  Anyway, here are some horrible yearbook hairdos.

9.  One thing I've been thankful about in all my years of using Xanga is that I rarely get a 404 page.  I have seen that on quite a few other websites and it gets annoying.  However some websites have clever 404 pages to entertain you while their site is down.  Here is a collection of some awesome 404 error pages.

10.  Do you have a cellphone?  Would you like to use it to talk with God?  Well this site, Send To God, allows you to write a short message to God or send a text message to God.  I wonder if any of those futurists from the 50s and 60s predicted that one day people would be able to send God messages with their phones.  By the way, read some of those texts.

11.  Are you like me and sometimes like to spend the night in your favorite recliner listening to your favorite music and you want to drink something but you have no clue what alcohol matches with the music you're listening to?  Well if you ever had that problem, you won't have that problem with Drinkify.  You type in the music you're listening to and it gives you a suggestion as to what you should drink while listening.  Off to the store to get some Fat Tire because I want to listen to Radiohead.

12.  I've been talking about this site on a few other Xangas the last few days.  It's called I Write Like.  You submit a piece of your writing and they analyze it to determine which famous author.  I've had some interesting results.  Some posts have gotten Stephen King and others have been analyzed as Jack London and then today one post was analyzed as a guy named Doctorow.

And now some irrelevant material.

Way to go, Walmart!

I don't know why but this makes me laugh.  Could it be that he's really a puppet and they're pulling the strings?  inb4 Soros.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No one ever cares about Zoidberg.

Nicolas Cage really is everywhere.

That is such a depressing thought.

Now if I can only teach her to drink beer instead of that high priced water called Bud Light.

Just another swinging night at the Godfather's bachelor pad.

Sure she does...click to enlarge

Well if you say so and since America is a Christian nation...

Oh, Penn State

Back to being irrelevant.

Did you read my guest blogger's post?

I've had guest bloggers in the past because sometimes I think that having a guest explain current affairs is better because I tend to have a slant on my views and it's always refreshing for you to hear what others have to say.  In the past I've had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, Swine Flu, The Nobel Peace Prize, The Times Square Bomb Scare, Xanga Suicide Hoax, The BP Oil Spill, The Crisis in Egypt, and The FBI Seizing Online Poker Sites.

So to keep the tradition alive, here is a guest blogger to cover the tragedy at Penn State.  The guest blogger's views do not necessarily reflect my opinions.

Thank you, Godfather, for bringing me to Xanga to talk about this horrible state of affairs at Penn State University.  It was a sad day in Pennsylvania when legendary football coach Joe Paterno was fired for his alleged covering up and mishandling of child sexual abuse accusations.  Joe Paterno was fired after 61 years of coaching at Penn State.  People may give Joe Paterno too much credit for his run at Penn State because it's not like he was the only one at the school or on the coaching staff.  Joe Paterno didn't play every Satruday.  The achievements of an organization are the combined effort of each individual.  Joe PAterno was a coach, and they call it coaching but it is teaching. You do not just tell them…you show them the reasons.  Joe obviously showed Penn State and the nation why he needed to leave.
I once told my team, the greatest team in the NFL, the Green Bay Packers, that winning is not a sometime thing, it is an all the time thing. You don’t do things right once in a while…you do them right all the time.  Joe Paterno didn't act right all the time.  He allowed a pedophile to infiltrate his team and facilities.  People who work together will win, whether it be against complex football defenses, or the problems of modern society. The people at Penn State weren't working together in this matter and now they have to face the fall out and watch their program crumble to the ground. 
I can understand why Joe Paterno didn't want to quit.  Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit.  He was an admirable leader for many decades at Penn State.  Having the capacity to lead is not enough. The leader must be willing to use it.  It's a shame Joe Paterno didn't use this his leadership to squash the problems when they first arose.  His leadership is then based on truth and character. There must be truth in the purpose and will power in the character.  A leader must identify himself with the group, must back up the group, even at the risk of displeasing superiors. He must believe that the group wants from him a sense of approval. If this feeling prevails, production, discipline, morale will be high, and in return, you can demand the cooperation to promote the goals of the community.  You can not begin to tell me that the community wants to harbor pedophiles.  Then we have to remember that this is Joe Paterno who once said in an interview that if you put his team against another team, his team would win 4 out of 5 times and because he lost he'd have to go home to beat his wife.
To be successful, a man must exert an effective influence upon his brothers and upon his associates, and the degree in which he accomplishes this depends on the personality of the man. The incandescence of which he is capable. The flame of fire that burns inside of him. The magnetism which draws the heart of other men to him.  That fire in Joe Paterno must've burnt out when he first heard that accusations against his assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.  You could tell that this was Paterno's last season because he wasn't fired up on the sidelines.  If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you’ll be fired with enthusiasm.  Last night, Paterno was fired enthusiastically although the way he was fired left a lot to be desired.  Now Paterno will have to go home, lick his wounds, beat his wife, and collect unemployment. 
Some of us will do our jobs well and some will not, but we will all be judged on one thing: the result and the result for Joe is he lost his job. Basically, in all of this, you have to live by the old Italian saying, "You fuck up, you lose your teeth," and it looks like my paisan, Joe Pa, needs to have his teeth knocked out.

Remember, the views of the guest blogger do not reflect those of GodfatherofGreenBay.

From time to time I shed light on events in my life like the legend of One Nut and the best wedding ever.  Since i have nothing better to write about I figure I'd share some more of my stories because I was talking with @xplornn the other day about some of his stories and I promised that I'd share some of my stories.

Back when I was in the 8th grade, I attended what some would call a small school.  I think I would estimate that there were only 90 to 100 students in the whole school.  The thing is it was a Lutheran school and for a school that size it meant that it was large.  I already wrote about some of my experiences at that school in a post that I consider to be epic, Checkerman.  Back to 8th grade, I was a pretty smart kid, not to brag, but I didn't always use my smarts to the best potential.  I think you can understand that better by taking a look at my Xanga over the course of a week.  Anyway, this story is about me, a kid we'll call Nerd, and a girl we'll call Girl.  Now, don't go calling me sexist and whatnot for labeling Girl "Girl".  She was the only girl in my class.  Let's go down my class there was Ninja, Brick, the Bucktoothed Bandit, the Hulk, the African Dream, Celebrity Chris, Nerd, Girl, and Me.  Our teacher was called the Excited Southerner because even though he was originally from Nebraska he had the worst Southern accent and it became a joke during classes. Well he was teaching the 7th grade math right after recess and while the 8th grade was doing other homework and enjoying fresh chocolate milk on our daily milk break.  I was sitting in the last desk in the row, Girl sat across from me and Nerd sat in front of me.  Nerd had a crush on Girl and it was quite obvious.  I think he came on stronger than I do here on Xanga.  Sorry to those girls who I've come on to way too strong. 

As I was saying, we were enjoying our fresh chocolate milk and Nerd was sitting in his desk and reading.  Nerd had this weird habit of putting a book on the floor while sitting in his desk and bending over to read the book.  This was particularly hilarious when Nerd and I attended the same private high school and you'd walk into the bathroom and could figure out Nerd was taking a dump because he was bent over and reading a book on the floor.  Nerd also had impeccable clothing.  He was smaller than his younger brother who was in 4th grade.  So Nerd got hand me ups.  Well these particular hand me ups didn't really fit and when Nerd bent over to read his book on the floor, his butt crack was showing.  I got a bright idea and I don't know how people in that classroom didn't see the dirty lightbulb light up over my head.

That day Nerd was hitting on Girl pretty hard.  She played piano for opening devotion and after devotion Nerd was, "Oh Girl that was the best piano playing ever.  You should really consider playing recitals because you are the best piano player I've ever heard."  Then Girl answered a question in catechism class. "Oh Girl, you are so smart.  You should really consider answering more questions because you are the smartest catechism player ever."  Then came reading class where Girl read aloud for the class.  "Oh Girl, you are the best reader ever.  You should really consider reading more because you sound so smart and you have a perfect figure."  Yes, he said that last bit.  Then at recess he kept trying to get near her but Girl sought shelter with some of us who were playing football.  Girl was all time quarterback.  She came from a pretty athletic family so we accepted her arm.  She didn't throw like a girl.  "Oh Girl you are the best quarterback ever.  You should replace that Brett Favre guy because he'll never amount to anything." (That was Favre's second season with the Packers.)

Recess was over and we got our milk and were chilling like the cool 8th graders we were.  Then Nerd started up.  "Hey Girl, hey Girl, hey Girl, I have to show this design of a house I made last night.  It's so cool because I even drew out where I want to put the garage and indoor swimming pool."  I laugh as Girl sighs with disgust.  2 minutes later.  "Hey Girl, hey Girl, I drew this scene of a battle from World War II.  I know it's only stick figures but should I enter it in an art contest?"  3 minutes later.  "Hey Girl, hey Girl, hey Girl, my dad is a pastor so he knows ancient Greek and he's totally going to teach me.  I should teach you once he teaches me."  Finally Nerd settled down and started doing the reading as I mentioned earlier.  He's bent over with his butt crack exposed.  I turned to Girl and say, "Hey Girl, hey Girl, hey Girl...look at me!"  I totally said that in Nerd's high-pitched squeaky voice.  Then she looked and gagged as she saw Nerd's buttcrack but she started laughing as I took my milk carton and acted like I was about to dump it down his exposed buttcrack.  Girl said, "Godfather, if you do that I will suck your dick."  I went into shock.  I just froze.  I couldn't move.  Girl was looking and smiling and nodding.  I couldn't move.  Finally, I hear, "Godfather, why are you holding your milk out and why do you look like you've seen a ghost?"  I shook my head and came to and said, "Shut up, Nerd."  I missed out.

Another story I was going to tell was from the same year.  The Excited Southerner set up a field trip to go see a play adaptation of "Journey to the Center of the Earth" because we had read the book in reading class.  It was an awesome trip.  I loved going to Madison.  I think I went there every other week.  It was the happening place to go considering my hometown had the population of 1200.  This play was at some playhouse near the University of Wisconsin campus and for the life of me I can't remember the name of the playhouse.  We rode down on a bus and the only chaperons were the Excited Southerner, the bus driver who was nicknamed Crazy Ray way back then because he once flipped a bus because he overcorrected going off the road because he fell asleep and when the ambulances came to check everyone out Crazy Ray was laughing and he didn't stop laughing for at least two hours according to a couple of kids from my class who were in the hospital with Crazy Ray, and my dad.

Crazy Ray dropped us off and said he had to go find a parking place when in reality he was trying to find a dorm so he could by chance peep some naked co-eds.  Crazy Ray should've parked the bus and came in with us.  When we entered the building, the first person to speak was the Bucktoothed Bandit and all he uttered was, "Holy shit!"  See when the Excited Southerner planned this field trip he didn't know that this playhouse also had an art exhibit and he didn't know that the art exhibit at the time featured the work of a UW student and this art was just a bunch of naked people enjoying others' genitals.  The photos depicted an orgy and anything you could imagine these people were doing.  I think there was photographic evidence that the blumpkin exists.  The Excited Southerner says, "Oh my gosh.  LOOK AT THE FLOOR!  LOOK AT THE FLOOR!  LOOK AT THE FLOOR!"  I didn't.  My dad hit me upside the head, "Godfather, look at the floor like Mr. Excited Southerner said."  My girlfriend giggled.  The Excited Southerner went to one of the people at the playhouse and screamed, "I HAVE MY GRADE SCHOOL CLASS HERE AND THERE ARE PENISES AND VAGINAS ON FULL DISPLAY!"  They apologized and explained how that was the art exhibit and they had no control over what was displayed.

We watched the play but my dad and the Excited Southerner went out front and told us to stay.  The funny thing about that time was all the guys and girls paired up.  We were impressionable youths and we saw engorged genitals in action.  We didn't know any better.  The only sex ed. we had at that point was knowing what the parts were called and "You shall not commit adultery".  One of the people from the playhouse escorted us backstage so we could leave without seeing the display of carnal lust once again.  It still had an effect on us because on the bus all the boys who paired up with girls sat with each other.  The chaperons sat in the front and discussed stupid things like politics while some of us in back recreated what we saw in the art exhibit.  I think that may have been the best field trip ever. 

The next two stories happened recently.  I was shopping at Walmart and I had two items, fish hooks and swivel snaps.  I get to the front and there are two lanes open and there must've been 50 people in each lane.  I get impatient and then I walk over to the jewelery department and this lady said, "I can ring you up."  I sat the fish hooks and swivel snaps down and paid for it.  I grabbed my bag and walked by all those people in line and held up my bag and nodded.  They all look at me like I'm some sort of Walmart V.I.P.  I swear I heard some people say, "How the hell did he do that?"  I walked out of Walmart like a boss.

A couple of months ago I was working as a smuggler and was helping the rebels in Egypt.  I was doing a lot of work and President Mubarak didn't appreciate me helping the rebel alliance so he put a bounty out on my head.  Well I got caught along with this really hot chick who was a princess trying to escape from a city.  We figured this might be the last time we'd see each other and she leaned over to me and said, "I love you."  I replied, "I know."  Then that damn bounty hunter froze me in carbonite.

A couple of weeks ago I went on a drive through the country and driving down one country road I chased this four legged creature down the road.  I hope to find him next weekend and shoot him so I can eat his heart.

This was the snowstorm today.

This is from my backporch and look out at the library.

Just two weeks ago I picked a second crop of raspberries.

My apple tree...under snow!

That is the JFK memorial park.  He was the only president to ever visit my small town so they put in a bench last summer commemorating the event.

Every time I watch “How I Met Your Mother” I can’t help but get the feeling that people who have devoted their time in watching this show over the years will be let down by the ending.

If Michael Jackson had anything to say about Conrad Murray being found guilty I bet it would be, “Naw, that’s ignorant because I’m the addict that took too much.”

If you ever see me smiling at work you can assume I’m making animal shapes with my genitals under my desk.

Golfer, Nick Faldo, said that the era of Tiger Woods domination is over.  I guess that means Tiger is back to dating only one woman at a time.

Ladies, here’s the best pick-up line to use on fat guys if you like fat guys: “Hey, want to go to a buffet?”  That would so work on me…just dropping that out there for the dozens of you who have crushes on me.

Sleep paralysis is more common in students.  Parents were quoted as saying, “Duh!  Have you ever tried to wake up my kids in the morning?”

Whenever someone asks me if I am ticklish I say, “I have explosive diarrhea.”  I know it’s wrong to lie but at least I don’t squeal like a girl when I get tickled.

A recent study found that people who feel lonely tend to toss and turn more when they sleep which probably explains why they are alone in the first place.

November is Tongue Awareness Month.  It’s supposed to mean you are aware that your tongue is in your mouth and uncomfortable but in actuality it means that I have a tongue and it’s looking for work.  I’m looking for a lady who can provide benefits.

My girlfriend hasn’t spoken to me in a month.  I debated breaking up with her because she doesn’t talk to me but thought against it because girls like that are hard to find.  She told me her favorite sex position was called The Zombie.  She just lies back and lets me eat her.

Want proof that women have worse taste in picking a partner than men?  Women have dated me and men haven’t.

I started teaching a class at a local community college.  The goal of the class is to make students more optimistic.  I’m not sure how this class will work because in the first week the class has been half empty.

The only drinking problem I have is affording it.

And now here's your weekly dose of motivation...by the way, I'm only including a few to keep them timely.

Last week I wrote: "Have you ever had the feeling that Penn State is playing "Weekend at Bernie's" with Joe Paterno?"  I have a feeling that Joe Paterno wishes that were the case this week.

Scientists have discovered the gene that causes obesity.  That gene is Gene Milman, founder of Krispy Kreme donuts.

A recent study found that 2 to 3 minutes is too short for sex unless you are a man.  Selena Gomez sings about loving a person like a love song.  Since most love songs are about three minutes long I don’t know why women complain.

Australian scientists have determined that cellphones cause more cancer than cigarettes.  They weren’t able to explain why people are smoking cellphones though.  It’s probably because cellphones are cheaper than a pack of cigarettes.

New Kids on the Block will be touring again this summer.  The tour will be sponsored by Rogaine and Viagra.

Hell is being in the most comfortable bed on earth and not being able to sleep.

They say a woman’s work is never done and that’s because a man will always be either horny or hungry.

The people at Apple are working on a device that turns your thoughts into speech.  That’s totally unnecessary because we already have it and it’s called alcohol.

The funniest thing about this Herman Cain sexual harassment scandal is hearing the phrase “pizza tycoon” over and over again.  If people are so enamored with Cain being president and not being a politician, I wonder if they would get heart surgery from an auto mechanic.  I also wonder if they would hire a CEO who has no business expertise.  Herman Cain’s pick-up line of the week: “I love the taste of a hot pie.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that bras must be uncomfortable so you should probably ditch it about right now.

I don’t know why people cry on another person’s shoulders.  Boobs are so much softer.

The local orphanage called and asked for a donation so I sent them my kids.

Do you ever have that feeling that you have a lot of work to do but you don’t know where to start?  That’s why I’m on Xanga.

There’s always that one person on Xanga whose friend request you regret accepting but you just can’t delete them from your friends list.  That person is most likely me.

I can’t believe some of you think I have a girlfriend or wife.  If I did I wouldn’t be on Xanga this much.  I’d be out having threesomes and going to wine tastings.

How many followers on Xanga do I need before I can classify myself as a cult?  In any case, you better stab yourselves or I’ll look like a bad cult leader.

10.  If you have to take a dump, do it anywhere.  The animals can do it in public so why not you.
9.  Using The Works with aluminum foil in your backyard is a fun way to beat boredom.  It's not like the explosions will be that big...unless you add some other substances and put the materials on a public thoroughfare or in a mailbox.
8.  Stop signs must have proper identification tags on the back otherwise they aren't binding.  They must have a tag in back saying the sign is commissioned by the county sign department and sheriff's department.
7.  Speed limits are merely suggestions. 
6.  Help out a Nigerian prince with his money problems.  They seem legit enough to email you and only you so you should help them out by laundering their money.
5.  Have sex on a beach in a Muslim country.  They celebrate the nude body that God made so flaunt it and because so many countries over there have nothing but sand you shouldn't have to worry about fulfilling those fantasies about sex on a beach.
4.  Run through an airport and through security to declare your love before she gets on a plane.  TSA will understand your love and how you want to stop her from ruining your potential.
3.  Hide in bushes to observe your love.  It's so romantic when the object of your love finds out that you've been following her around everywhere she goes. 
2.  If she looks old enough then she is old enough.
1.  Sell yourself, it's the world's oldest profession.

And now here are some things that I find funny.

Heard of it?  I can never find it.

I wonder if they give their employees overtime.

I think this one goes with #2.

Now there's something I'd like to occupy...wait, I'm no pie fucker.  Now there's something that I would like to occupy my stomach.

That bastard!  I bet he's the reason why I'm paying so much for caviar.

Only in Oklahoma.

I'd say he was short changed.

It's coming...winter weather advisory.

They were testing Cialis and Viagra.

Nicolas Cage really is everywhere.

YES!  MAKE IT STOP!

Maury should market this skirt so the skanks on his show will have an easier time figuring out who's the father of their children.

I'd rather have this than a chocolate fountain.

Sadly that fake ID worked for him.

Sigh...have a good night.

*cue voice of Daniel Stern*

I grew up in an average town and in an average family.  Everything about our lives were average.  There was my mom and dad, my sister Lindsay and my brothers Chuck and Dewayne.  I had a few friends growing up.  There was Bill, Neal, Topsie, and John Qwan.  There was also a guy who lived in our neighborhood who everyone idolized.  His name Herbert Fenzilinni but everybody called him The Fenz or Fenzi. 

As I mentioned, life was average in my town.  Nothing major happened but if something big happened you could bet that my family and friends were involved.  John Qwan and Topsie always seemed to get mixed up in some get rich quick scheme but they always failed and my dad had to bail them out or we had to get The Fenz to fight their battles.  There was the one time when John Qwan saw how one of the gambling legends of our town, Sven the Norwegian, made so much money taking bets.  John figured he could be a bookie just like Sven.  John took all sorts of bets and some especially big bets with a local street gang.  Well they all bet that the Packers would win the Super Bowl and the Pack pulled out the victory and John Qwan was out thousands of dollars.  The only thing that could stop the street gang from hurting John was Fenzie's intervention.  Eventually I talked my dad into helping out John Qwan.  Dad talk to John's dad, Don, and they smoothed things out and everything was OK.  I think the only thing that wasn't average about my friends was my friend Neal.  His dad was the town dentist and he liked to cheat on his wife with his secretaries and nurses.  Poor Neal couldn't see his dad's cheating ways but I exposed it when I saw his dad kissing one of his nurses in the mall.  He claimed he was their to buy Neal a Super Nintendo but I knew better.  I told Neal and eventually he admitted he knew what was going on because he found a garage door opener in his dad's car but it wasn't for his house.  Neal, Bill and I rode our bikes around town looking for which garage door it opened.  Finally, Neal found the garage and inside he saw his dad's car.  Neal ended up taking a bat and smashed out his dad's taillights.  Bill was the oddball of the group he was allergic to everything.  One time a bully at our school put a peanut in Bill's lunch and he ate it.  The next thing we know, Bill swells up and stops breathing.  A teacher, Mr. Bester, had to use an epi-pen on Bill.  He jammed it into Bill's heart and Bill started screaming.  Bill was rushed to the hospital where he went into a coma.  We were all standing outside Bill's hospital room and this actually was awesome because some hot chicks came and hugged us because they knew how close we were with Bill.  I totally felt a boob because Bill is allergic to peanuts.  Fenzie was really sad about Bill's predicament.  He went into the room and Fenzie used his magic fists and punched Bill in the forehead and Bill came out of the coma.  That punch also healed all of Bill's allergies.

Speaking of allergies, one of my worst days in life revolved around allergies.  I was working that summer at a peach orchard and one day my hands started itching and I noticed a horrible rash on my hands.  I went to the doctor on my mom's insistence.  The doctor told me that I was allergic peaches.  I was devastated because it was such a high paying job.  What was I going to do?  On the way home my car died.  I walked home and was going to eat some Oreos and milk but we only had skim milk and Hydrox cookies.  As I sat there feeling all bad, I got a phone call from Elizabeth Lauren, my high school sweetheart, and she turned me down for a date.  I then went to watch some TV and the tube inside the TV blew out and then my parents entered the room and announced they were getting a divorce.  I went for a walk with my shotgun.  I heard a voice tell me not to do it and then I said, "If you make things better, I'll repay you."  The next day I get a phone call from Topsie saying our band was booked to play at Harold's, the local hangout, and we would be the house band.  Then after that call I got one from Sandy Cinders, the head cheerleader, and she asked me out on a date.  Then Fenzie punched my car and it was fixed and it was actually better than what it was when I first got it.  I was testing out the car and Fenzie had it running so fast.  I could go 0 to 60 in 1 second.  Well this wasn't good because I ended up hitting a kid while driving.  I picked him up and put him in the car and dropped him off at the hospital.  The doctors said he'd be fine.  That day restored my faith and I celebrated by sacrificing a goat to Lord Kromdar.

My brothers and sisters were something else.  Lindsay was this uptight and so smart.  She was also the town hulahooping champion.  She was on the fast track to be our school's valedictorian but she got messed up with some kids in her class that were total burn-outs and pretty soon Lindsay was doing drugs along with the freaks.  She got in trouble when she was doing drugs with her friends and went out for a drive and ran over the neighbor's dog and then crashed into another car.  Dad was mad at Lindsay and eventually she straightened out but then she was influenced by her friend Kelly Kim.  Things didn't end well for Lindsay.  My brother Chuck was an enigma.  He was the stupidest person I've ever met yet he was the best basketball player to grace the state of Wisconsin.  He led our high school to four consecutive state titles but Chuck couldn't recite the alphabet without stopping and asking for a prompt.  Dewayne was a bully.  He and his friend Herpes lived to torture me.  They always called me Dickhead because of my strange haircut.  He would pound me and punch me but he always stopped when my parents or Fenzie were around because he knew they would set him straight.  Dewayne had a fascination with dating women who had children because as he said, "You know they put out."  I sometimes was jealous of Dewayne's way with the ladies.

My love life wasn't that average.  I was jealous of Fenzi because he seemed to have all the girls in town swarming over him.  He had a lot of sexual relations and all the guys were jealous but not so much when The Fenz died of complications to AIDS.  There was one time my high school crush named Elizabeth Laurie went on vacation and when she came back she had a bag full of pens and said she brought me something in our first hour class.  She handed me the bag of pens which featured the location of her vacation destination.  I said, "Gee, thanks Elizabeth Laurie for all the pens." 
She replied, "They're not all for you, idiot.  Take one and pass them to the rest of the class."
"Oh, OK."  I took my pen and passed them to the person sitting next to me and I spent the rest of the school year feeling stupid and inadequate.  Things haven't changed.

Speaking of vacations, there was the time I remember when my parents decided to take the family to California.  It was such a great time because my parents also brought all my friends.  There we were soaking up the California sun.  The locals didn't think Fenzie was cool and this didn't set well with Fenzie.  Back in our town he was a God.  I mean he had sex with the two hottest girls in town, Lauren and Shirleen.  Well this local street gang challenged Fenzie to a stunt.  They were big into water-skiing but what they didn't know is that Fenzie worked at the Tommy Bartlett Ski Show and spent many summer water-skiing on the the Wisconsin River.  They set up a jump for Fenzie and to up the ante they said he had to jump over a section of water that contained swimming tigers who had poison on their fangs and claws.  Everyone was tense watching as Fenzie looked at his jump.  Mortals would've run but not Fenzie.  He punched his waterskis, the boat, and me because I was driving the boat.  I pulled out of the dock and hit full speed and then Fenzie launched off the ramp and over the tigers with poison fangs and claws.  Fenzie actually jumped the tigers and he made a perfect landing.  Everyone cheered because we were better than California in something other than dairy production and football.  Suck it, L.A.  You wish you could have a winning team like the Packers.

Those truly were wonderful days but whatever happened to my friends and family?
Mom and Dad grew old.  Dad tried to become a priest but they wouldn't allow it because he was married but he still acted like a priest.  He became a licensed private eye and his cover was that of a priest because criminals wouldn't think a priest fought crime.
Mom was mom and only mom.
As I mentioned earlier, Fenzie died of an AIDS related illness and before he died his hands were literally useless because of all the arthritis he developed from hairline fractures from punching everything to fix it.
I don't really know what happened to Chuck because one day he went upstairs and we never saw him again.  Dewayne ended up serving in Desert Storm and he got messed up with Gulf War disease.  He came home and got married to a woman who had 5 kids.  He currently makes wooden chairs on an Amish farm.
Lindsay was set to go to an academics camp but at the last minute she ditched and took off with her friend Kelly Kim.  They ended up following the band, They Might be Giants.  Lindsay and Kelly developed addictions to nasal sprays and they sold their bodies to buy more sprays.  We lost contact with Lindsay after a few years.  We assume she's dead or in a mental hospital.
Topsie ended up being a lounge singer and put out a few albums that didn't sell that well.
John Qwan ended up being a dentist just like his dad.  He was involved in a scandal when he was working on a politician's teeth and Qwan questioned the politician about his oral sex habits because we all know that dentists can tell when you perform oral sex.  Well the politician got upset and bit John's finger.  John successfully sued the politician and won a large amount of money.  He wrote a book about his ordeal and called it "A Million to Qwan". 
When Bill entered college, he became obsessed with the TV show Dallas.  I guess it shouldn't surprise anyone that he ended up becoming an oil executive.
Neal had a fucked up life.  He took up ventriloquism as a hobby and he went off the deep end.  For the longest time the only way Neal would communicate was through his dummy, Jeremy.  Eventually Neal showed up to class one day and his dummy was holding a gun.  Neal stood at the front of the classroom and said, "Jeremy would like to speak today."  Jeremy went on a diatribe about how awful the world was and then Jeremy pulled out a gun and shot himself in his dummy head.  Neal was whisked away to a mental hospital where he spent the rest of his days.

As for me, I never married Elizabeth Lauren or Sandy Cinders.  I married a girl I met in college and we had a couple of kids.  I kept in contact with Elizabeth and Sandy.  We wrote and reminisced about the wonder years and happy days of our lives.  They tried to tell me that I shouldn't write to them or show up outside their houses with flowers at 4AM and that I should enjoy the golden years of my life.  The only thing golden about my golden years is the color of my piss.

I really wish I could live forever and be forever young.  Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house, like a lot of houses. A yard like a lot of other yards. On a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back...with wonder....ok that was lame, sorry for the lack of a post. 

I'll end with a quote.  "Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.  Now take off your pants and sit on my dicks." —Lord Byron

#caturday If you said "Annoy the shit out of Godfather Day" then you'd be correct.  I really am losing patience with my family but then I suppose that is standard.  My dad is acting like a rebellious teenager, my mom is being an overly assertive mother to him, my aunt...my poor poor aunt, my cousin calls up during the middle of supper saying that she's divorcing her husband and CPS declared her an unfit mother and that she caught her husband masturbating to internet porn.  I LOVE MY FAMILY!  I can't wait for Thanksgiving!  At least I have the LOLCats.

Have a great night.

I had my Blazer worked on today.  Apparently my brakes were pretty bad and had rusted through over the course of the summer.  I guess that would explain the burning smell when I drove.  Fun times.  I love you.  Time for the round up.  I include links to all the people so if you don't know who it is you can click the link to find out who it is and what they have contributed to mankind.

Winona Ryder turned 40 this week.  Did you know how she got the name Winona?  She was born in a town called Winona in Minnesota.  Winona, MN was named after the daughter of a Sioux chief that lived in the area.  Winona is an awesome town.  I've had my fair share of fun there over the years.  One of my best friends in high school lived in Winona.  I also saw Digital Underground in concert and Winona and was involved with shenanigans with them after the concert.  Did you know 10 foot tall bongs existed?  Well they do.  The good people with Digital Underground really knew how to party.  There is also a bar in Winona that a few of you would appreciate.  It's called Bub's and that's pronounced "boobs".  OK, let's see what is there to say about Winona.  They have a lot of crazy streets and bars.  I hope that check from the Winona tourism board clears.

In a recent interview with GQ magazine, Snooki talked about how The Situation from Jersey Shore is broke.  This may explain why he has started to sell custom made lollipops. It's supposed to resemble the Italian flag but only if the Italian flag was covered in rhinestones.  Snooki said that she saved her money and spent it wisely as if anything Snooki does could be labeled "wise".  So why am I saying this?  Well it makes me feel better about myself to know zit-face wonder abs is broke and it's also nice to know that after you read this you're going to have to squeegee the oil off your body because even reading about this guy you feel greasy.  The bad news is that you'll see more of this idiot when you watch TV.  This means you should ask for books for Christmas so you don't have to watch TV.

Oh man, look at that disgusting thing and her hat is awful too.  See what I did there?  Seriously what the hell is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing?  I hear she now picks up over 500 TV channels including HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, and ESPN Deportes.

The 4 day long Playboy photoshoot of Lindsay Lohan wrapped up this week and when Hugh Hefner saw the photos he was disgusted and ordered the shoot to be redone.  Let's hope she can get that shoot done before she has to go to jail...more on that later.  Hefner ordered a new photographer and set up a whole new concept for the shoot.  This time the shoot will only be one day because Lindsay won't be showing her vagina.  OK think this through...an 80 year old man didn't like her photos and could see that the heavy duty Photoshop couldn't save them so he ordered more shots without her vagina being visible.  I think Lindsay Lohan's vagina should see if it can get some work on American Horror Story either as one of those basement monsters or something in one of those basement jars. 

I've been making fun of Lohan for having awful meth teeth.  Well this week she took to Twitter and thanked a dentist for giving her Zoom, a teeth whitening process.  She should've used that Playboy money to get dentures.  It says a lot when the public makes fun of her teeth and say they look like undigested corn nuggets stuck in turds in the toilet bowl but she doesn't do anything when the public says she should fix her life and decision making skills.  Lindsay also had her court appearance for her probation violation this week.  She was sentenced to 30 days in jail without house arrest but she will only end up serving 6 days because of jail overcrowding.  It's times like these when I wish America adopted Saudi Arabia's legal system.  Also, the judge sentenced Lindsay to another 270 days of community service work in the morgue.  She may as well have ordered Lindsay to fly to the moon because there's no way in hell that's happening. 

Larry Flynt turned 69 (ha) this week.  This guy has done so much for America and if you don't agree then you should immediately relinquish your blog and your freedom of expression.  Let's all wish Mr. Flynt a happy birthday.

Lady Gaga is starting a foundation to curb bullying.  It's called the Born This Way Foundation.  She claims it will protect and nurture those who face bullying and abandonment.  Can we give the anti-bullying thing a rest?  You can't force or legislate people to get along.  It's unfortunate that people get picked on but that is life.  Bullying is horrible and should be stopped, but a foundation ain't gonna do shit to keep kids from being tortured and killing themselves. I remember sitting through this biology class and they talked about this guy named Darwin came up with this idea of the survival of the fittest and since mankind is derived from monkeys that applies to us as well.  Are these kids going to have Lady Gaga and their moms fight their battles when they turn 30?  By that time Lady Gaga will be writing children's books, studying Kaballah, and speaking with a fake British accent.  I think it's time kids learn to handle their problems without media intervention.  When I was a kid, the most effective way to deal with bullying was to man the fuck up and deal with it or fucking deck the person bullying you.  When I was 7 a kid picked on me.  I didn't kill myself.  I punched that fucker in the stomach and no one messed with me and when the teacher called my parents and they told the teacher that I had the right to protect myself.  I didn't need a shithead like Lady Gaga to help me.  Up until this point, the fucking earth has managed to spin without Gaga's help.  Animals and plants and humans have come and gone without Lady Gaga so it's safe to say that things will continue on when she's long and gone.  What's next?  Are we going to legislate and start foundations to make dogs and cats get along?  How about lions and zebras?  Oh and have you ever noticed that the anti-bullying crowd always turns into bullies themselves when they don't get their way?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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And if you were emotionally attached to their marriage and actually thought this would last longer than a year, well you're a moron.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In other divorce news, Zooey Deschanel and her husband Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie have called it quits.  A common word people use to describe Zooey is "adorkable".  Well adorkable can't compete with D-cups.  People claim that this is a mutual divorce and no third party was involved but I suppose when Katy Perry dyed her hair pink it was harder for Ben to fantasize about having sex with Katy while having sex with Zooey.  Seriously, their similarity is eerie.


This week every time I see Justin Bieber I start screaming "MAURY MAURY MAURY MAURY!"  A 20 year old woman named Mariah Yeater is suing Justin Bieber for a paternity test claiming he is the father of her 3 month old child.  This is how Mariah said the sex went down: "After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation. Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.  After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone -- a bathroom. We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.  In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything. He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds."  Oh she fell for the oldest trick in the book.  I don't know any guy who HASN'T said it was their first time so they didn't want to use a condom because they wanted to know what skin on skin felt like.  But 30 seconds...maybe it was his first time.  I don't know how this could be true since Justin can't have a penis.  Also, isn't it so sexy when a guy says "I want to fuck the shit out of you"?  I get very lovely mental images when I hear that phrase.  Bieber has issued a statement saying it can't be his child because he never goes backstage after concerts.  He says he hops in a car and leaves immediately.  Yeah, and I don't like boobs.  And of course the hormonally challenged toddlers who love Bieber have voiced their opinions on the matter.  See the tweet above.  This won't end well but then if it does the kid could have an awesome last name.  It would have to be hyphenated.  It would be Yeater-Bieber which of course when I say sounds like "eat her beaver".  Yeah, can you tell I've been without a girlfriend for a long time?   Some people are claiming that Justin can't be the father because he hasn't developed biologically but that defense was shot down by Bieber's manager, Scooter Braun.  Seriously, who goes by the name Scooter?  Scooter claims that Justin struggled to hit notes on his new Christmas album.  How old is he?  17?  His voice should've changed years ago.  I was biologically able to have children when I was 11 and my voiced changed when I was 12 or 13.  It sounds like Justin's body has taken longer to develop than the Republicans' jobs bills.  Now that his voice changed, he better hang on to every dollar he has because without the ability to hit those notes, he'll be as employable as a convicted felon with facial tattoos or Lindsay Lohan.

Google announced this week that they are going to pay Ashton Kutcher $100million to produce original content for his exclusive Youtube channel.  I must have been outside when Google called or maybe they felt bad when I told them to "go to hell and shove their search results up their asses" when they called about my Adsense being canceled because my site is naughty.  WTF!  If I wanted to see someone with money, power, and inability to keep his dick in his pants, I'd watch CSPAN.  Sure, he banged a chick that was past her prime but then so did K-Fed.  The only thing that has kept these men from winding up with the same fate is condoms.

People have been complaining that Britney Spears is giving lackluster shows in her current U.K. tour.  Come on, what do they expect?  A quality show?  She's a mother of two who wishes she could be driving her kids to soccer practice but she can't because of poor money management.  The only time a Britney Spears concert was fun was ten years ago when a guy could walk into a concert with a container of Vaseline while wearing a trench coat.  Now, her shows produce as much wood as Saudi Arabia.

A posthumous Amy Winehouse album will be released this December.  It is tentatively titled "Lioness: Hidden Treasures" and will contain unreleased music.  Songs included will be a slower version of her song "Valerie", a ballad version of "Tears Dry on their Own", "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow", "The Girl from Ipanema", a reggae version of "Our Day will Come", and a few others.  It will be sad to listen to because she had such a soulful voice.  Sadly I think this will be a huge selling album.

Zac Efron is dress as Officer Dangle from Reno 911.  You know Zac-y would LOVE to wear those short shorts all the time.  They're to die for.

Sophie Turner dressed as Pocahontas for Halloween.  I don't know what she was going for here.  Does she want me to rape her culture?  Does she want me to take her against her will, force her into a loveless marriage to ensure trade and commerce with the Powhatan?  Why wear a costume if you don't want me to be historically accurate?

Sara Jean Underwood wore this costume on Attack of the Show.  She is supposed to be some character from The Fifth Element.  I got a fifth element for that camel toe.  I have no clue what that is supposed to mean.  I haven't seen The Fifth Element but I should because if the character is anything like Sara Jean; cute, good body, barely wearing anything; it's a good recipe for a boner.

Paris Hilton dressed as She-Ra.  She-Ra was the most beautiful, strongest, and most powerful princess in Eternia.  Too bad those powers couldn't be used to fight herpes or the obvious incontinence.  Wow, she really had to go.

Olivia Munn dressed as a woman who hypnotizes me and breaks my heart on a daily basis.

Miley Cyrus(middle) went as a boner producing boner killer.

LeeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian dressed up like their real selves and have never looked classier.

Kim Kardashian dressed as Poison Ivy which is apt since everyone she touches gets infected with a rash.  Poison Ivy was an eco-terrorist who was obsessed with environmentalism.  Kim Kardashian is an attention whore who is obsessed with getting rich black guys to have sex with her.

Kelly Ripa and Nick Lachey dressed as Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries on their wedding day.  I love how Nick wore stilts.  They wore those costumes on the day that the divorce of Kim and Kris was announced.  Talk about sheer dumb luck. 

Kelly Brook was dressed for Halloween as the girl from Twilight.  That is a horrible costume.  She's showing way too much emotion to be her.

Jessica Simpson dressed as a mummy and tweeted this photo along with the caption "It's true, I'm going to be a mummy".  I see what you did there.  Very clever.  I can't believe she knows how to properly use apostrophes or as Jessica calls them "air danglers".  Commas are "ground danglers".  So much for that $500,000 payday that her dad was expecting.  If you go to her site, JessicaSimpson.com, the first thing you'll see is an ad for another website.  I guess that is one way to cash in on your fetus when no magazine will give you money for an exclusive story.  Well congratulations, I wanted to make sure she was actually pregnant and she wasn't suffering from a bloated stomach like me after one too many bean burritos.

This was one of Heidi Klum's Halloween costumes for one of her parties.  After I was thinking she was going as Heidi Montag during all her cosmetic surgeries but then I thought she was going as Steve Jobs or Amy Winehouse.  I have no clue what she's supposed to be.  Do you?

Heidi Klum and her husband Seal wore these adorable costumes for one of Heidi's other Halloween parties.  I think she had a wardrobe malfunction or maybe that's just part of the costume.  What the hell are they supposed to be?  Planet of the Apes apes or the real parents of the Kardashians?

Coco wore this for one Halloween party.  Happy Halloween to us!

Coco then wore this costume for another Halloween costume.  I think she's supposed to be some sort of sexy cat.  I have no clue what her husband, Ice-T, is supposed to be...Hannibal Lecter?  Anyway, I'd love to rip off those fishnets and slap that ass.

Chris Brown tweeted this photo of his costume.  He was going to go as Greenman from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Way to be subtle there, Chris.  After he tweeted he sent another one saying that maybe that wasn't a good idea for a costume.  You know what else isn't a good idea...sending a woman you beat photos of your dick because she will upload them to the internet.

Oh wow, AnnaLynne McCord is dressed so classy for Halloween.  I'm classy too.  I'll relate to you how I would procure gladness from Ms. McCord.  I would lacerate that garment and strike her buttocks in a hard fashion with an open hand.

Anderson Cooper dressed as his hero Phil Donahue.  I actually like this costume.  He looks like Donahue.  Cleveland, you're on the line.  Sorry I had no punchline.  I Just liked that costume.

Courtney Stodden and her husband Doug Hutchinson wore this when they went trick-or-treating.  Yes, they actually went trick-or-treating.  Now, tell me which on is Doug and which one is Courtney.  Oh god...I feel so dirty.

After that last one, it's time to go shower.  Have a great weekend.

So how was your day?  Really?  That's interesting.  Did you get that thing on your, you know, checked out?  Oh that's good.  I'm glad the doctor said it was going to be easily removed.  Do you want to read links now?  OK, then here they are.

1.  I was talking about the worst things you could receive while trick-or-treating on my Motivation post.  Well here is another list of the ten worst things you can receive.  #1...there was an old lady on my block when I was a kid and every year she gave those out and it wasn't like a large amount either, it was two or three.  Even all those years ago, you could buy nothing with 3 cents.

2.  Have you ever wondered what it's like to go to a Halloween party at the Playboy mansion?  Well if you have, check out this site.  I expected more nudity.

3.  A few of my friends refer to Halloween as Slutoween because girls tend to wear slutty costumes.  Anyway here's a list of slutty Halloween costumes and what they mean.

4.  Here's a collection of creepy vintage Halloween costumes.

5.  I know this is late but here's another collection of awesome Halloween costumes. 

6.  I know this is late and I've already included a link to the worst treats to receive on Halloween but here's a collection of the worst things to hand out.  Is it weird to say that a majority of those I like?  By the way...what the hell are wax lips?  I never understood them.

7.  I was actually thinking of ordering one of these hats to wear as my Halloween costume but I didn't get around to it and I thought $30 was a bit stiff for a fez.

8.  I have often wondered why I can't get a job writing in TV.  I couldn't do much worse than these TV shows.  I seriously think I could come up with something better than My Mother the Car or Poochinski or a TV show based on commercial cavemen.

9.  Here's something I learned about make-up.  Hmmm I wonder if that throws a loop in that one guy's stance about circumcision.  I mean if we don't circumcise then women won't have make-up and then the population will decrease.

10.  I went to a car show in Minneapolis a few years back and I didn't notice any cars.  I only looked at the girls showing off the cars.  I don't think anyone really sees the cars.  Anyway, here's a collection of girls showing off cars at the Frankfurt Motor Show.

11.  I know this is fake but damn that is a good business to establish...afterlife telegrams.  I know there'd be people interested in paying me to send telegrams to dead people.

12.  OK, in my man laws I covered times when it is permissible for men to cry.  I read this article and that was one of those times.

NOOOO I THOUGHT IT WOULD LAST FOREVER!

So true

I'm in love...I just need to teach her to drink beer and not water.

I'm in love.  I've only I knew how to use the Force to remove clothing.

Es macht Spaß

UNO!

Best. Costume. EVER!

Ummm I can't make a joke here but I'll just say this, cannibalism has never been so cute.

Worst. Costume. EVER!  Actually it's not much of a costume.  Somehow that kid got a hold of one of my used condom wrappers. 
 
Well for some reason Xanga photos isn't working so I guess that ends this post.  Have a great night.

Alright it's the time of the week you have all been itching for.  It's tattoo time.  Oh by the way, you should probably get that itch checked out by a physician.

Oh, wow, it looks so REAL.  Those adamantium claws are going to get me.  Look out!

See they got me and they pierced my man boobs.

While the X-Men is a good comic book series, I don't think that's a good choice for a tattoo.  That wasn't even a good issue.  They so should've went with Uncanny X-Men #137 "The Death of Jean Grey".

Wolverine and My Little Pony...a match made in hell.  You can pet the pony's hair and then Wolverine will pierce your boobs with his claws.

What a nutty tattoo!  Actually that may be one of the best portrait tattoos I've ever seen.

Beavis and Butthead are back on TV and too bad this guy is going to have to live with these tattoos for some time.

Can anyone tell me where this tattoo is from?  It's a movie that I love.

No, YOU'RE WELCOME...maybe she should also get "Cum Again" tattooed back there.

Even though I got The Human Centipede from the library yesterday, I haven't watched it yet.  I was thinking of viewing it tomorrow evening and possibly seeing if any single ladies want to come over and watch it with me.

This guy is supposedly famous for his tattoo of Bear Bryant.  How awesome is that!  People become famous for tattoos of famous people.  My brain is about to explode.

I think Mount Rushmore needs a face lift.

A tattoo of Chunk and Sloth would best positioned on the stomach so when you do the Truffle Shuffle they will dance with you.

NO!  Girl's don't do that!

Well that is a whale of a whale tail.  I think that would be cheaper in the long run than letting thongs show and it could also give the illusion that the person with the tattoo wears sexy panties when she's actually wearing granny panties or nothing at all.

Cut along the dotted line.  If I saw that tattoo back in my drinking daze I probably would've found the biggest pair of scissors I could find and try to cut them toes.
 
Ick-abod Crane would probably crap his pants if he saw this tattoo.  Yes, that is a reference to 19th century literature.

I just hope this isn't a tribute tattoo.  I seriously do not know any parent that gives their baby a bottle that is larger than the baby.  I think that would pose a lot of problems for the child. 

I like cars.  I just don't think I could ever bring myself to tattoo a car logo on my body.  OK, I have thought of getting the Chevy bowtie tattooed on my throat because that way I am always ready for a classy situation.

UGH!  Why?  Aren't Jeeps rugged and manly vehicles?  What is with the flowers and vines?  Are people that daft?

I guess he's my competition when it comes to the ladies' attention with tongue usage.

I hope you enjoyed.