The other day on @bonmots site she was talking about how men didn't rush at the chance to watch Fried Green Tomatoes.  I replied that I enjoyed that movie.  Later on I realized I had broken a man law in that I admitted to liking a chick flick.  Then I got to thinking of other man laws.  Here are some I've found along the course of my life sentence being a man.

1.  Under no circumstance may two men share an umbrella
2.  It is OK for a man to cry for the following:

3.  If a man brings a camera to a bachelor party, he may be legally killed by the other party goers.
4.  Unless a friend murdered your family, you must bail him out of jail within 12 hours after he calls.
5.  If you know a guy for more than 12 hours, his sister is off limits.
6.  It is wrong to complain about the beer in your friend's refrigerator.  It is OK to complain if the beer isn't a suitable temperature.
7.  No man is required to buy a birthday present for another man.
8.  The strongest bladder determines pit stops on road trips, not the weakest.
9.  If a man stumbles upon other men watching a sporting event, it is OK to ask what the score is but not what teams are playing.
10.  If you have given a woman an orgasm then it is alright if you fart in front of her.
11.  It is acceptable to drink fruity alcoholic drinks during the following situations:

12.  Only in situations of extreme physical danger are you allowed to kick another guy in the marbles
13.  The only time it's OK to fight naked is if you are in prison and you are protecting your ass.
14.  Never wear Speedos...EVER!
15.  If another man's fly is down, that's his problem.  Make sure your zipper is up and go about your business.
16.  Women who say they enjoy sports are spies and should be treated as such. 
17.  If you are in the company of a hot woman who is suggestively dressed, you must remain sober in case you have to defend her honor.
18.  Never hesitate when reaching for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but never both because that is plain greedy.
19.  If you compliment a man on his six pack it can only be about his beer.
20.  Never join your woman in gossiping about your friends unless she is withholding sex from you.
21.  Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal ground i.e. both pissing, both crapping, both washing hands.  All other conversation must be limited to a nod unless on equal ground.
22.  Never let a phone conversation with a woman last longer than the amount of time it takes you to have sex with her.
23.  If you meet a girl for the first time and have sex that same night and feel guilty in the morning, that should not keep you from having sex with her before she leaves.
24.  It's acceptable for a girl to drive your car but it's not acceptable for you to drive her car.
25.  NEVER BUY A PINK CAR!
26.  If you ask your girl "What do you want for Christmas" and she replies "If you loved me then you'd know what I want" it is permissible to buy her an XBox.
27.  There is no reason a man should watch men's figure skating or men's gymnastics.
28.  It is not OK to admit that you enjoy a chick flick even if the movie involves cannibalism.
29.  If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her its a 6 day waiting period.
30.  When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
31.  If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.  (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his frinds home)
32.  Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
33.  When a man is borrowing a buddy's tool or other equipment, if the borrowee puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following:

34.  Every man should watch sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
35.  Don't start a beer if you can't finish it.
36.  Men should know how to drive a stick shift.
37.  When riding with a fellow man...don't fuck with his radio unless granted permission.
38.  If a man is dumped by his girl, his buddies need to make sure he gets laid by an equally hot or hotter girl with in the week.
39.  No man may give himself a nickname (such as THE KING). It must be earned, and given to him by others.
40.  Men do not go shopping. We go buying.

Do you have any man laws to add?

Only in America do we complain about childhood obesity and give children who knock on our doors free candy.

If you have a significant other and you get jealous when they speak to a member of the opposite sex then you shouldn’t be dating.

November 1^st is the day that the most photos are uploaded to the internet of the year.  Who wants to see photos of my penis?

I find it ironic that a Christian dating website advertises during syndicated episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on my local FOX channel.

It’s so gratifying trick-or-treating in Wisconsin.  You spend all that time picking out a costume and working out only to have it so cold that you have to wear a coat over the costume.

A study revealed that Viagra may help treat depression in women.  They cited that Viagra has made plenty of men happy so they figured women should give it a shot.

Kim Kardashian filed for divorce.  During this troubled time the Kardashian family asks that you give them as much attention as humanly possible.  Kim earned $18million for her wedding and 72 day marriage AND GAYS ARE DESTROYING THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE!

A poll revealed that candy corn is the least favorite of all Halloween candy handed out to trick-or-treaters.  The second least favorite was a tie between whatever R Kelly and Roman Polanski hand out.

A man bombed a Taco Bell this week because he said they didn’t put enough meat in his chalupa.  A spokesperson from Taco Bell said, “Meat?  We put meat in our food?”

Why hasn’t Wikileaks released that sensitive information about what Willis was talking about?

Oil companies reported record profits.  In related news, the sun rose in the east and set in the west.

A study found that 90% of men kissed their wives when they left the house.  The other 10% kissed their house goodbye when they left their wives.

Medical researchers found that people who have trouble sleeping at night run a greater risk of suffering from heart attacks.  Well that should help to get them to sleep faster.

The Walgreens in my town was robbed.  The suspect took 60 bottles of Viagra.  Police say they are looking for one hardened criminal.  That’s two Viagra jokes.  How awesome is that?

When females have an orgasm they burn 27 calories.  When they fake orgasms they burn 160 calories.  I’m proud to say I’ve been helping women lose weight.

Tim Tebow calls 4^th downs “jews” because they are the most difficult to convert.  I also think Tebow found a loophole in the Bible.  The Bible says homosexuality is a sin but Tebow continues to suck balls.

Have you ever had the feeling that Penn State is playing “Weekend at Bernie’s” with Joe Paterno?

I’ve always wondered why guys get married and make one woman miserable when they could stay single and make thousands miserable.

Why is it illegal to use a cellphone while driving but cops can use laptops?

The worst thing about beer is running out.

I’m a superhero.  My special power is converting certain foods into tear gas.

I want to invent something some day that is so popular that if I changed it in the slightest way people all over the internet would flip.

The best part about learning a new grammatical rule is being able to browbeat those who don’t follow the rule.

I should apologize for my criticism of Herman Cain.  I know that pizza men are smart and can benefit society because after all Chuck E. Cheese holds a Nobel Pizza Prize.

Remember when the Republicans running for office in 2010 said they were going to pass bills to make jobs?  How many jobs have been introduced through a Republican jobs bill?  I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Nero.

I finally figured out why my girlfriend doesn’t want to leave the lights on when we have sex.  I thought it was because she had body issues.  It’s actually to hide her looks of disinterest in me.

When people say that they should have a reality series based on their life, I assume they have a really, really shitty life.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

The worst Halloween costume is a mummy.  It took me two hours to get this girl I met unraveled out of her mummy costume.  By that time the Viagra wore off.  THIRD TIME IS A CHARM!

I’m starting a new movement for the lady protesters.  It’s called Occupy Godfather’s Bedroom.

No trick-or-treaters came to my house because of Baptists protesting Halloween.  They didn’t accomplish anything other than helping me arrange a party at my house tomorrow.  Please come to my house for a diabetes party.

Guys, the best way to tell how long your relationship will last is to watch your significant other eat a popsicle.

Nipples are nature’s thermometer.

Does “No Shave November” include my pubes?

Do pro-lifers ever feel guilt when they eat eggs?

I call my exgirlfriend “Octomom” because at one point she’s had 80 fingers inside her.

If you mix packets of Taco Bell hot sauce with your ramen it’s tastes like poverty.

I don’t like to remain friends with exgirlfriends.  It’s like if I quit a job I wouldn’t stick around to watch someone else do my job.

You can tell I write too much literotica when I misspell “comes” and the first spelling suggestion spellcheck gives me is “cums”.

October is great because it turns Xanga into a softcore porn site with the Save the Boobs campaign and Halloween party photos.

Xanga is a social network, not a social life.  Make friends here and be nice to them just like you would to people in real life.  You wouldn’t treat your real friends like how you treat people here, you piece of shit.  Also, get outside and get some air.

My grandma is a cynical, racist, foul-mouthed woman who hasn’t been laid in 30 years so I thinking she’d be perfect for Xanga.

Thanks to Xanga, some of my friends are people I hope I never meet and pray I never will.  In other news I love my Xanga friends and some of you, well, I love more than friends.  I should just come out and name names but I’m too shy to say I like certain girls and ask them to convert to Mormonism so we can all get married.  Or we could just stay whatever religion you want because the Bible really never expressly forbade plural marriage.

Did you see me on tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother?  Look real hard.

Now send me nudes!

So I was watching ESPN Saturday morning.  I always love those signs where people say something clever using the call letters from the network.  Well I think we found one word that can be used for every letter in ESPN.

This was nice to see what happened to the kid and dog from Up.

Ah, yes, the traditional Halloween costume for the pregnant.

Tee-hee, it's an item that holds things.

Party on!

Hopefully this gets the message across.  I love hoarding my candy.

I think this is racist.

Is it me or does Tony Larussa look like Frank Reynolds but with more hair?

Firefoxy

Normally I wouldn't eat dat ass but for this I'd make an exception.

Oh shit!  I have a clog in my sink.

Porn is better than democracy.

I've always wanted a velvet painting.  I guess Jesus watching over a semi-truck would suffice.  The only way it could be better is if Elvis was involved.

ELVIS+JESUS+VELVET=HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone had a great Halloween.