I went out to supper tonight at a new Mexican restaurant. I figured out I love the Wisconsin version of chili relleno. It was a huge deep fried chili stuffed with what must have been a block of cheese. My god I was in a state of perpetual orgasm. I read some on the new ereader...The Curious Case of Benjamin Button...it was better than the movie because I found it to be more accurate than the movie plus it didn't take forever to read like it took forever to watch that movie. I dinked around on Tumblr. If Xanga wasn't rife with trolls I'd suggest Xanga start the anonymous asking featuring instead of having to log out. I've had a lot of fun with that over at the Tumblr this evening. Now it's time for a round-up...the secret theme for this issue is 40.
Van Halen announced this week that they will be going on a reunion tour marking their 40th anniversary together as a band. David Lee Roth will be the front man. I don't think that should count as 40 years then given the years he wasn't with Van Halen and all the years we had to put up with that Gary guy. But, seriously, 40 years...shouldn't they be celebrating their golden years by enjoying Metamucil? I bet they will get loads of groupies and it will be awkward when they hear, "My grandma slept with you during your 74 tour and then my mom slept with you in 92." I bet they get Viagra to sponsor that tour.
Earlier this week, someone with AMAZING photoshop skills leaked this People magazine cover featuring Taylor Lautner claiming he was coming out of the closet. Well it was a fake but many fans and a few celebrities fell for the prank. Russell Simmons tweeted that he was "proud of Taylor Lautner for his bravery and his courage." In any case, a magazine cover isn't even necessary at this point. Taylor Lautner is as straight as a spiral staircase, but no one will ever come out and say it because he wants to be the next Tom Cruise. He's doing a decent job so far. Now all he needs is acting ability, submission to a cult, and a shitty soundtrack. And saying Tom Cruise has acting ability is difficult for me considering Cruise is the same character in EVERY movie...well except for Collateral and Tropic Thunder.
Stan Lee turned 89 this week. I never realized he was that old. I guess it's his boyish charm that he gained from spending hours with comic books. Lee celebrated his birthday by creating another dozen instantly classic comic book characters.
Speaking of not realizing someone is old...Robert DeNiro became a father once again this week at the age of 68. He and his wife welcomed in a second child via a surrogate mother. This is their second child together and Robert's sixth child overall. Their baby daughter is named Helen Grace and their other child is 13 year old Elliot. He has two children with his first wife, 40 year old Drena and 35 year old Raphael and DeNiro has a set of twins with a former girlfriend, 16 year old Julian and Aaron. I was going to say I feel old because I remember hearing about when those twins were born and that was 16 years ago. I'm not old, Robert DeNiro is old. Well congratulations to the couple. I couldn't image spending the Werther's Originals phase of my life changing diapers but all power to him or maybe it's all power to Viagra.
Rihanna is currently in Barbados which loosely translates to "Wear a tiny bikini" in English. Rihanna was frolicking in the surf this week but what isn't pictured is the shark who came up and attacked her by clubbing her with it's tail and then biting her in the leg. I guess it's cool now because the shark apologized and Rihanna forgave him and now they are flirting on Twitter.
Ricky Martin turned 40 this week. I remember when one of my girlfriends was so infatuated with him and said that she would leave me for him at the drop of a hat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope her hat has a penis.
Paris Hilton is now a brunette. I could care less but this is a public service announcement for men aged 18 to 88 who don't want a plethora of STDs. If you meet a brunette and within 2 minutes she wants to take you back to your place, you might want to reconsider hitting it bareback.
Maria Shriver has put her divroce to Arnold Schwarzenegger on hold because she claims that God doesn't want to leave him and that her Catholic upbringing is making it difficult to go through the process. What...there's no loophole for divorce in the Bible when your husband knocks up the maid? But then I guess God has never smiled on the Kennedy family.
The divorce between Mel Gibson and his first wife Robin has been finalized and she got PAID. I guess it's alright to stand by him when he makes a church and preaches hatred for the Jews, when he gets pulled over for drunk driving and claims that it's a Jewish conspiracy and then calls the cops names and has it broadcast on national news and then makes Signs or What Women Want but once he knocks up another woman it's over. TMZ says that Mel is worth $900million and Robin will be getting half. So I guess the lesson here ladies is to just sit back and let your husband make a fool of himself and then get half of his stuff in the divorce settlement. It sucks for any girl who gets with me because all they'll get is half of my eprops.
Well I guess Sinead O'Connor won't be partaking of the difficult brown for some time because after about 7 hours and 15 days...actually it was more like 18 days of marriage, Sinead O'Connor filed for divorce from her husband. Sinead basically said that his family pressured him to leave her so she did the noble thing and filed for divorce. Well it also may be that her husband was a drug counselor and Sinead suffered a relapse. Apparently on their wedding night Sinead went looking all over town for weed and ended up settling for a brick of coke. I wonder if her need for anal sex is a result of drug use. Hmm maybe I should hang out at more Narcotics Anonymous meetings and prepare myself to difficult some browns. Barry Herridge's family called him up and made him realize he just married a bald, bi-polar, unattractive, 45-year old mother of three who really, really enjoys cocks in her ass. Then they drop kicked him and stuffed him in a sleeping bag and set him on fire. While the townspeople beat him with ax handles. Then the whole family changed their last name. I know, I thought it was a little extreme myself, but I guess it's better than the alternative of, "Hey, isn't your son married to Sinead O'Connor?"
I had originally written different stories for Katy Perry and Russell Brand but news broke about the sanctity of their marriage today. Earlier in the week an insider claimed to have witness a fight between them: ""They had a massive fight. She was like, 'Fuck you. I'm going to do my own thing.' Russell replied, 'Fine, fuck you too.'" The insider went on to say they have been at each other's throats for months. Then this week Brand was spotted in L.A. without his wedding ring and Katy was spotted in Hawaii without her wedding ring. They have also been fighting over Russell not accepting her Christianity. DRAMA. So here's the thing, Katy's most noteworthy friends are Rihanna, who took back Chris Brown after he beat the shit out of her , and Perez Hilton, gay bully. I guess it's sort of hard to take her seriously and that's also because of her "Christian" parents who refuse to call deviled eggs by their name because that is too Satanic so they call them angeled eggs and they also avoid Lucky Charms because they say some of the symbols are pagan. I think if your faith is challenged by eggs and Lucky Charms you need to work on your faith instead of changing the names of items. I also don't think Katy has the right to force Russell to accept her Christianity when she sings about liquor-induced lesbianism and drinking until you blackout but then she probably says that it's cool because Jesus turned water into wine. Well today Russell filed for divorce and cited irreconcilable differences which is interesting since both of them are quite different. So he filed for divorce. Shouldn't it have been the other way around? Russell Brand looks like he should be leading drum circles at Burning Man instead of divorcing Katy Perry. Well this is the sanctity of marriage that people are trying to protect and deny to homosexuals. Kim Kardashian is married 72 days, Sinead O'Connor is married 18 days, and Liz Taylor was married 8 times. WHERE IS THE SANCTITY, STRAIGHT PEOPLE?!?!?! If you want to deny an institution to a group of people then maybe you should step up and show why it's sacred instead of doing what these shitheels do. 50% of marriages end in divorce. I can't see why that's being denied in America where all people are created equal and all people have the right to pursue their own happiness. Even though I'm probably as straight as they come I'm upset that not all Americans are treated equal and given the same rights.
Singer John Legend proposed to model Chrissy Teigen on Christmas. Apparently they are getting married. I wish they would've read my blog before popping the question. Not to one-up them but I seriously had the best chili relleno ever tonight and I got free tortilla chips with my meal along with salsa AND a white sauce the waiter claimed was ranch but I said was too peppery and spicy to be ranch. It ain't no Hidden Valley. Basically I guess you have to be thankful you have what you have.
Does anyone like the band LMFAO? Well some music aficionado risked his life and liberty to set fire to the auditorium where they were performing this week in Honduras. The band had left the stage before it got too bad but 15 people had to be treated for smoke inhalation. Police say a criminal hand played a part in the fire. One of the douchebags in this "band" had this to tweet: "Epic concert tonight!!!! Everybody in Honduras, we set the place on fire!!!!" Then of course there was outrage so an hour later he tweeted this: "On a serious note. Hope everybody is safe from the fire tonight! love you Honduras!" Could someone please explain to me why they are popular? I bet after a shitty show most people would understand and empathize with the fire bug.
Earlier this week, Lindsay Lohan's mother went around telling everyone that Lindsay would not be hosting any New Year's Eve parties nor would she be attending any but she would be spending the pseudo-holiday with her family in Los Angeles and focus on her sobriety and not getting arrested again. Well later this week, an announcement was made that Lindsay would be hosting a New Year's party in Dubai on a luxury yacht with Pamela Anderson. Well Lindsay was so outraged that she has sued the people behind the party. A lawyer says that Lindsay was never planning on going to this party and not even going to Dubai. OK this is just a speculation but I'm betting that Lindsay was going to go to Dubai to host the party but her probation officer denied her appeal to leave the country so that is why Lindsay plans on spending New Year's with her family because we all know Lindsay would rather spend time with family than going on a luxury yacht and getting fall down drunk and then snort an infinite amount of coke. Yeah, a family night in sounds just like Lindsay Lohan.
A former assistant is suing Lady Gaga for unpaid overtime. Jennifer O’Neill endured 13 long months as the domineering diva’s personal assistant and claims she’s owed hundreds of thousands of dollars for the bad romance. She says she had to cater to the 25-year-old pop superstar’s every whim, at every hour of the day and night, handling her schedule, finances and food. She also claims she had to stand in the bathroom while Gaga showered to ensure that Gaga was handed a towel promptly upon finishing the shower. She also had to act as Gaga's alarm clock. O'Neill says she had no time for breaks, meals, or sleep. Jennifer was paid $75,000 for the tour, but she says she's owed more than $380,000 for 7,168 hours of unpaid overtime. I don't even want to do the math on that but that's about 140 hours of overtime a week. No wonder she couldn't sleep but I'm not one to defend Gaga but other than the sleeping and showering thing, this doesn't sound that different from any other touring outfit and this woman got paid better than most personal assistants do for the same job, so I'm not sure why she's crying about this. Considering it's Lady Gaga, the only truly surprising part of this lawsuit is that it wasn't for plagiarism.
In celebrity and political news, Kelly Clarkson threw her hat in the ring by endorsing Ron Paul this week on Twitter: "I love Ron Paul ... I liked him a lot during the last republican nomination and no one gave him a chance. If he wins the nomination for the Republican party in 2012 he's got my vote. Too bad he probably won't." Her Twitter then blew up with people supporting her endorsement of Ron Paul and those decrying her support of Ron Paul. I guess Twitter is now part of a celebrity's brand but I'm pretty sure she has no clue who Ron Paul is and probably heard a few people talking about things he liked and said, "oh I like that too". She claimed she never heard anything about his alleged racism or homophobia. " I have never heard that he’s a racist? I definitely don’t agree with racism, that’s ignorant." "I love all people and could care less if you like men or women. I have never seen or heard Ron Paul say anything against gay people?" I guess her misuse of the question mark is a sign of being shocked to find out that it's possible that the person you support could be a racist homophobe. I'm not here to get political, but have you seen or heard any of the Republican nominees this election? Saying Ron Paul is the best Republican candidate is like saying Khloe is the smartest Kardashian. In any case, if I wanted Kelly Clarkson's opinion on anything, it wouldn't be who to vote for. It'd be on chocolate versus vanilla ice cream. I think next time Kelly wants to support a candidate she should go to Wikipedia to read to see if the guy she supports has been endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan and Stormfront.
Earlier this week there was a rumor circulating the web that Jon Bon Jovi had died. I think it happened in wake of Kim Jong Il's death and people really got confused. I guess all those people with three names are interchangeable. Anyway he took to Twitter and Facebook to prove he wasn't dead. Then he went on vacation to relax after facing down all those death rumors. I guess this is for all the ladies because Bon Jovi has been dead to me for years, ever since he put "it's my life".
49 year old Jim Carey is dating a 24 year old New York University student named Anastasia Vitkina. I guess it pays to be famous although when I first saw the photos I thought she was the same age as Jim.
Jerry Sandusky said this week that he wants to do another public interview but he can't decide who he wants to do the interview, Oprah or Barbara Walters. Oh because the live interview you did with Bob Costas was such a success in that you admitted to being attracted to little boys you sick fuck. Oddly enough, neither Barbara Walters nor Oprah have reached out to the Sandusky camp seeking an interview. I'm thinking he's just a glutton for punishment. I know this is America and everyone who is accused is supposed to be presumed innocent until proven guilty but this guy has 10 accusers and is standing trial for 52 counts of sexual abuse. They say, "where there's smoke, there's fire" but in this douchebag's case, there's a fucking mushroom cloud.
Jared Leto turned 40. He pretty much captured my feelings for him other than the time in Fight CLub when he has the snot beaten out of him.
Dido turned 40 this week and part of her birthday celebration involved giving birth to a baby boy. She named the baby Stan and of course she named him that after the song she sang with Eminem which was titled Stan. Oh I'm sure when Stan is old enough he and Dido will share a hearty laugh over the meaning behind his name. I just hope she keeps laughing when he ties her up, throws her into the trunk of a car, and then drives that car off a bridge.
Once you go into rehab because you have an addiction to cocaine and junkfood and then go on Skype to masturbate for your fans and then you slash your wrists and attack your back-up dancers you figure you can pretty much say anything you want to everyone including your boss. Demi went to Twitter to attack the Disney Channel over an episode of some shit that I don't watch about a joke made on the show about not eating and being anorexic. Demi wrote this: "Dear Disney Channel EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT" And someone respresenting Disney Tweeted back: "Demi we hear you & are pulling both episodes as quickly as possible & reevaluating them It's NEVER our intention to make fun of eating disorders!" Is there anything that we can make jokes about these days? Apparently I can't mention shaving because it triggered someone and made them want to cut themselves with a razorblade. I saw a screen cap of what was said and I didn't find it funny simply because it wasn't funny not that it was offensive. So I guess "reevaluating" means that Disney is going to sacrifice the writers to Satan so he can continue to make Disney so rich and powerful. I guess Demi never spent time watching the Spike network show Hot Pieces of Ass Puking Up Their Dinner So They Can Look Better in a Bikini. Why doesn't Demi do something about other ridiculous shit at Disney, like adults wearing Mickey ears?
This is former wrestler Joanie Laurer aka Chyna. She turned 40 this week. I'd probably let her pin me. Stop judging me. I'm alone. Oh and she has the same birthday as @raiderjester and if you haven't you better go to his site and wish him a happy birthday. DO IT OR I'LL POST MORE PHOTOS OF CHYNA!
Cheetah the chimp, from many Tarzan movies, died at the age of 80 this week. The sad thing is, Cheetah had more talent than most reality "stars" of today and probably looked better than half. He was also quite possibly the father to the Kardashian girls. The resemblance is uncanny.
Rumor has it that Beyonce is set to push out her pillow on New Years Day around midnight so she can have the first baby of the year. I don't know. That seems like a lot of hard work and the timing of getting her surrogate to have the baby and hide it before and then get it to Beyonce seems a little far fetched. Maybe I'm starting to believe she's really pregnant. But then based on her falsified songwriting credits, it would be in her nature to have someone else give birth to the baby and Beyonce take credit for it.
Is it me or is there something different about Ben Stiller? Wow, he's bulked up. He must be on steroids. Now that I mention it, his performance in Little Fockers did seem a little off. It was like he was being aided by something to make him get through that piece of trash. Oh wait, that could've been the dump truck full of money they dumped on his front lawn to get him to make Little Fockers.
If you're like me, you spent your Christmas worrying about Coco, specifically if she was warm and wearing little to no clothing. Well Coco posted this on her Twitter this week letting everyone know she spent Christmas in Honolulu. It's great to see how stars celebrate the holidays with their breasts practically hanging out and me being distracted by those legs and that stomach and would you look at how clear that water is. I haven't seen water that clear since the last time I went to the waterpark. Oops...where was I? Oh yeah...boobs.
And with this photo of Miley Cyrus in a bikini, I'm done for 2011. I bet 2012 will have awesome things in store for these posts and will be a hell of a ride.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I expect a shitstorm for some of these stories.
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