I took my cats to the vet today to have their claws trimmed and to have their yearly shots. I was surprised how easy it was to get my cats into their kennels and also how well behaved they were on the road. Well I get there early and no one is around so I get them in and taken care. I pull out Kiki first and am holding her while the vet clips her claws. Kiki is growling and hissing the whole time. I thought nothing of it because that's how she usually acts. Well the vet comes in with the first shot in Kiki's scruff and Kiki starts hissing and spitting. Then the vet tries to stick Kiki in her hind quarter and Kiki had nothing of that and she jumped and bit me in the hand. That was the first time she ever bit me in a non-playful way. The vet freaks out and puts all sorts of antibiotics on the wounds. I can barely see where Kiki bit me now but the vet insisted that I get a tetanus shot. I call my mom on the way home and she's freaking out because apparently my last tetanus shot was in 2000. Well I go to the hospital and get a tetanus shot and when I get home my aunt called and wanted to go Christmas shopping. Well that meant I get to drive because she doesn't like to drive at night. I hate being in stores after December 1st because people are assholes. Well it's time for me to be an asshole. Round up time.
NSFW and NSFL
Tony Bennett sketched this photo of Lady Gaga and is auctioning it off for charity. The last time I checked the sketch was at $5400. I hope he didn't have to sit in the same room with a naked Gaga. I think at this point if they were really serious about raising money for charity, they'd raise money to staple Lady Gaga's mouth shut, put a paper bag over her head, and then freeze her in carbonite.
Hey, what do you know, Tila Tequila still exists. It looks like she's finally sobered up, got her fake breasts out, and is ready to break some hearts and fill some Valtrex prescriptions. Tila actually looks respectful...well if you call giant stripper boobs falling out of a dress respectful but in Tila's case this is respectful.
Steve Buscemi turned 54 this week. Wow, I thought he was older. CAREFUL! Don't make eye contact!
Wow, Snooki lost a lot of weight and I guess the skinnier you become the douchier you look and oranger you become. Must vomit.
I really think Shakira needs to release a workout tape or at least a tape demonstrating proper lifting technique. Lift with the legs...oh yeah, I'll remember.
Umm Selena, I can see your umm yeah. You might want to consider wearing clothing that is less tight. I'm sure you can go to Walmart and find that same outfit in larger sizes.
Salma Hayek once prayed to Christ for bigger boobs and her prayers were answered. Thank God. She said that when she was in school she was scared because she wasn't developing like her classmates and she was getting teased for being flat chested. She said that she went to a church of a saint that was known for doing a lot of miracles and she dipped her hand in holy water and crossed herself on the chest and prayed to Christ for bigger breasts. If you're an atheist after reading that, shame on you. Let us rejoice that Salma went to a church where holy water works for something like bigger breasts instead of something like world peace or a cure to all diseases or an end to reality TV. Now I think I'm going to have to fly to Mexico and find this church and dump holy water on my penis.
A photo has surfaced of Rima Fakih partying at a bar just before she was pulled over on suspicion of DUI. I was thinking of using my media credentials that I've been granted through Xanga (seriously, you should try it, get media passes to events because you write for a blog) and go to Michigan but I think everyone in that community would have diplomatic immunity. There's probably also a lot of holy soldiers supporting Abu Nazir there and I've grown attached to having my head on my neck and my SUV has a low tire so I'll let someone else cover this one.
Miley Cyrus wore this outfit to a CNN Heroes event last weekend. Everyone began to speculate that she has had breast implants. One of the country's top plastic surgeons says that because of the roundness and volume she's had to have had work done on them. Miley fired back with this little gem on Twitter: "Thems is useles as book-larnin'or tits on a boar" Wait, that's not what she said, why did I think she said that...hmm...anyway this is what she said, "Thank you for the compliment but these babies are all mine. I wish they'd realize you don't have to be fake to be beautiful!" Yes, her breasts are nice and round and perky. She's 19 and I realize I'm not a doctor but sometimes you have to trust my opinion but if there's anyone out there who knows how to be authentic it's Hannah Montana's secret identity, the multi-millionaire stoner who dedicates songs to the Occupy Wall Street movement. I think Miley's spittoon is running over with truthfulness. Well within the next couple of weeks we will have our hands on her breasts and by that I mean there's a topless photo of Miley circulating amongst her friends and it's only a matter of time before it gets on the internet. Guess what, her dad, Billy Ray, isn't too happy that Jethro, Bubba Bob, and Cooter are getting a gander at his young un's baby feeders. A family insider said that Billy Ray read Miley the riot act because he's worried that this will ruin her career because there are still many young and impressionable children who look up to Miley. I don't think Billy Ray is in a position to yell at Miley because HIS career is dead and Meal Ticket I mean Miley is squeezing the last drops of blood out of the stone.
Mayim Bialik turned 36 this week. I really like her in recent years from what I've seen of her on The Big Bang Theory. I guess I've started to warm up to that show since TBS shoves it down my throat and I just gave up and laid back and let them shove away. She is a geek goddess. She sure has come a long way since Blossom and I love how in the first season they make reference to her and how she really is smart. Swoon. Forever alone. Internet catchphrase.
Since Lindsay Lohan has such a strenuous work schedule recently, her probation officer allowed her to go on vacation to Hawaii. Lindsay traveled with a friend and her incredible shrinking sister Ali. I think the hardest work on Lindsay's last project was the photoshop software that made her look like Marilyn Monroe. They could've at least drawn her some nipples. Hugh Hefner tweeted that because of the leak and high demand they pushed up the release date of the issue. They paid her $1million and probably used that much to photoshop it. Apparently the issue isn't selling that well possibly because of the leak or because people are fed up with Lindsay. I feel bad for the 18 year old Playmate that will have to cheer up Hef now that the magazine is in the crapper because of Lindsay. While on vacation Lindsay had her $5,000 purse stolen while at a house party. Inside the purse she had her probation papers, passport, and a lot of cash. I wonder why she had a lot of cash and her passport especially if Hawaii is a part of America the last time I checked. One of Lindsay's friends spotted a suspicious looking local and when questioned he denied knowing anything about the purse but a few minutes later he returned the purse however it was void of all cash. Supposedly she had $10,000 inside the purse. OK so I think we're missing something other than $10K and a passport. WHY WOULD YOU NEED $10K FOR A HOUSE PARTY? I don't want to speculate but she was probably buying drugs. Oh and the insurance claim was that Lindsay also had a a painting from Picasso's "Blue Period" and an original copy of the Declaration of Independence. I don't see how this claim will get denied. Lindsay was also scheduled to be a guest on the Ellen show to whore out the Playboy issue that everyone has seen already. See that was supposed to be the cover unveiling but it got leaked. Well Lindsay told the people at the Ellen show that she was having travel related problems and couldn't make it to the taping. Well the people at Ellen said that they were filming their shows leading up until the holidays and wouldn't be able to reschedule. Travel related issues? It's brain dead related issues and crack whore related issues. She was probably sticking in Hawaii to do as many drugs as possible. Sometimes I wish I could not give a fuck as much as Lindsay doesn't give a fuck.
This is Ali Lohan. Wow! Holy crap! I'm stunned. Crazy! She's holding a CD. Those are from the 90s. She's so rich I'd figure she'd have an iPod. Oh and she's incredibly skinny too. I could probably fit one hand around her waist. If she doesn't put on some weight she'll float away or be blown around. I'm surprised she's still standing and wasn't being drug by the snorting power of Lindsay's nose.
Vanessa Bryant is divorcing her husband Kobe Bryant after ten years of marriage. I guess she finally wised up to his unfaithful ways and realized that a $4million ring wasn't worth all the pain he caused from forcing the difficult brown on a hotel desk clerk in Colorado and countless other women. The best part of this is when they got married Kobe didn't have Vanessa sign a pre-nup so Vanessa is only seeing this $$$. Vanessa got sick of Kobe coming home every night smelling like other women so she is divorcing and seeking custody of their two children Natalia Diamante and Gianna Maria-Onore plus spousal support. I wonder if it's coincidence that under California law if a couple is married at least 10 years you automatically get half of everything. Do you really think she stood by playing a dumb bimbo while Kobe was being accused of butt rape? She was just waiting to cash in. CHA-CHING! She might consider changing her last name to Kardashian.
Ever since Katy Perry said she wanted to have a large amount of children, pregnancy rumors have been swirling. Then this photo was released of Katy shilling her new fragrance called Meow and the pregnancy rumors commenced. Can you imagine how big her boobs will get if she is pregnant? If she travels by airplane they'll charge her $50 for each boob. Well I have the same problem when flying with my massive penis so I'll only fly Delta. I don't think she looks pregnant. I just think she looks like a Mary Kay saleswoman.
I've stayed away from writing all my feelings about the scandal at Penn State and why start now? Joe Paterno fell this week and re-fractured his hip. He originally broke his hip during a game when a player ran into him. So a broken hip, lung cancer, and the ongoing scandal...2012 isn't looking too good for JoePa. He hopes the Mayans are accurate with their predictions. So JoePa re-injures his hip 2 days before the Sandusky trial starts. Is that a coincidence? Is he seeking sympathy for when he has to testify? Or is it the more probably explanation in that he was taking batteries out of the freezer, heating a can of chili with the pilot light on his water heater, or whatever it is old people do?
Jessica Simpson signed a $3million deal with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight. People are claiming that is why Jessica has been eating everything in site. She wants to gain more weight so that when she sheds it all it will be more dramatic. Well how nice for her but I think this is going to end badly because last year Jessica worked with a trainer who is renowned for working with celebrities and putting them on 800 calories a day diets and 3 hour workout sessions. Even though Jessica was working with this trainer she still ate lots of fried food and drank lots of liquor. Jessica is also being made fun of by her fiance Eric Johnson. He tapes photos of Kirstie Alley all over the house and has called Jessica "Kirstie 2.0". Eric Johnson is an idiot. Who is he to mock the breadwinner of the family? I wonder if he knows what happens when his unemployment runs out. Jessica takes the strap-on autographed by Tony Romo out of the nightstand and she rearranges his colon. But seriously, she's been gaining weight since 2008. So she's been pregnant since 2008? I didn't think that was possible. I knew I should've paid attention during biology class.
It's official, Howard Stern is going to replace Piers Morgan and will be a judge on the next season of America's Got Talent. I'm happy because we need fewer British judges on American reality shows telling Americans that they are shit. It's more pleasant when someone says it to you without a highfalutin accent. I'm actually sort of shocked that Stern took the gig because if you ever listen to his show, he's always complaining about having to work and he always talks about retiring. Maybe this is a transition since NBC airs America's Got Talent and lately it seems like shows go to NBC to die. Stern will keep his radio show and America's Got Talent will move to New York City. I guess they really wanted him to be a judge since they are packing up and moving across the country. Maybe Stern will make the show that much better.
Hank Williams III turned 39 this week. I really like Hank 3. He is so unique in his music. The one time I saw him at First Ave there was such an eclectic mix of people. You had older people there because they wanted to see him because of his grandfather and father. You had some people there because of his outlaw style country. Then you had a third group of people there for the second act of his show which is when he plays speed metal. Yeah, a Hank Williams III concert usually has two acts, an outlaw country act and a speed metal act. It's such an amazing mix. Anyway, this is probably one of the first ever Hank 3 songs I heard.
American Idol winner and victim of malicious bank subprime loans, Fantasia, gave birth to a baby boy this week. OK whenever I read that a person gave birth to a baby I always chuckle because what else is a human going to give birth to? A brick? A chair? A roll of duct tape? Fantasia sent out this message via People magazine: "Baby Dallas made his debut on Tuesday in North Carolina at 7 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches long. He joins big sister Zion, 10. I feel so blessed that my son Dallas Xavier was born healthy, and is a wonderful new addition to our family. I thank all my fans for their well wishes and continued support." I was expecting Fantasia to name her son something like Fab Five or Four Gee because she met the father at a TMobile store.
Here's something for the ladies...Don Johnson turned 62 this week. I didn't use a recent pic but dug up something from his days on Miami Vice. Do you remember that show and how groundbreaking it was? I never watched it because my parents didn't think it was appropriate for me. Miami Vice is tame by today's standards so I guess that means there's nothing appropriate for me on TV these days.
Since legendary baseball player asshole Derek Jeter broke up with Minka Kelly, he's been bedding a bevy of beauties at astonishing rates. People are claiming that he's bringing a new girl home every night. I guess if I had his name power I'd do the same or more likely the first girl to do that one thing that drives me crazy would have me proposing marriage. Well when Derek sends the girl home the next day he sends them out with style. A source close to the situation had this to say: "Derek has girls stay with him at his apartment in New York, and then he gets them a car to take them home the next day. Waiting in his car is a gift basket containing signed Jeter memorabilia, usually a signed baseball. This summer, he ended up hooking up with a girl who he had hooked up with once before, but Jeter seemed to have forgotten about the first time and gave her the same identical parting gift, a gift basket with a signed Derek Jeter baseball. He basically gave her the same gift twice because he’d forgotten hooking up with her the first time!" It's not Jeter's fault she wasn't memorable. He should be thankful she didn't give him the gift that keeps on giving. I guess if things get rough for these women, they can always auction off their swag for Valtrex prescriptions.
Last week or two weeks ago I posted a photo of Daniel Day Lewis on a day off from the Lincoln biopic and we all agreed that he looked like Hipster Lincoln. Well here's a photo of Daniel Day Lewis dressed in Lincoln regalia along with Steven Spielberg. He may just be the closest looking Lincoln I've ever seen in a movie. I wonder what the odds in Vegas are that he'll win the Oscar.
Oh Courtney Stodden...you sure know how to keep it demure in Hollywood by standing half naked outside in December. That couldn't have been staged at all.
Sorry @RaiderJester I couldn't resist. People who rent $8million houses to Courtney Love should have their head examined. The first rule of renting $8million houses should be that if you don't want your rental property looking like it's a crack then don't rent to Courtney Love. Courtney's landlord, Donna Lyon, filed papers to evict Courtney from her townhouse in the west village. She claims that Courtney almost burned down the house, wallpapered over custom-glazed walls, and failing to pay rent for two months. Wait until she finds what Courtney left in the basement with her meth lab and anti-Dave Grohl shrine. Donna said she bought the house last year and had a designer fancify the place. She said that Courtney was paying $27,000 a month and shortly after she moved in all the shenanigans began. Donna also claims that it will take $100,000 and about a year to get the house looking back to what it was B.C. (before Courtney). She is going about this the wrong way. The best way to get rid of Courtney Love is to set off a giant Raid bomb and when Courtney comes running out dump a huge bucket of soap on her. Oh and since I read that the house in American Horror Story is for sale and the producers are scrambling to figure out what they'll do for season two maybe they could get Courtney to move into a house and then after a few months begin filming because she could sure make any house a hell house.
This is Colton Haynes. He's the lead actor on the MTV show Teen Wolf. One of the producers this week accidentally posted a photoshoot featuring Colton in the throes of passion with another young man. It wasn't porn but it featured Colton and another guy kissing. I was sort of shocked by this because it was one of the first times that someone in Hollywood was forced out of the closet by someone other than the gay bully Perez Hilton.
Amber Heard had a message for all closeted actors in Hollywood. Heard, who happens to be a lesbian, said this, "You can’t respect yourself if you’re afraid to be who you are. It requires bravery to do something no one else around you is doing. But the risk was outweighed by the possibility of playing into this horribly detrimental lie that some in Hollywood perpetuate.” Hey, she didn't name names! Now if that was gay bully Perez Hilton he would've thrown out the names Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bradley Cooper, and Will Smith. Nowhere did Amber Heard say Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bradley Cooper, or Will Smith. The closeted community of Hollywood must be tighter than the Freemasons. Is there no help for the widow's son? I would like to sit down with Amber and discuss these things, maybe over a bottle of wine and while we do each other's hair and discuss how I can help her with her wanting to become pregnant.
81 year old Clint Eastwood is set to star in a reality series along with his wife and his two youngest daughters for E!. It is supposedly going to follow the two daughters in their quest to become actresses. Clint was always one of the coolest actors out there and his characters were some of the toughest icons on the screen. Now he's doing a reality series? I think I'm going to be sick. I mean I wouldn't be upset if they revealed that Dirty Harry was gay and raped people in police custody in order to get them to make a confession. A reality series? Clint, you disappoint me.
Christina Hendricks is now shilling Johnnie Walker. Well she sold me for two reasons. One, it's tasty and two, Johnnie Walker is the epitome of luxury scotch. Oh who am I kidding? BOOBS! This Epiphany the three wise men could bring me a redhead with magnificent breast holding a bottle of scotch. I'd be in heaven. See I have issues. I've been alone way too long. I don't think I can make it to another Christmas alone.
Apparently after months of denial, Cameron Diaz and P. Diddy finally admitted that they are dating after they were spotted making out at a party at a lounge where they also shared numerous bottles of booze. To me, those two are the poster children for insufferable and getting them together...I'm surprised a black hole hasn't opened. I think the booze explains why they were drawn to each other. Cameron probably sees money in P. Diddy because I can't remember the last major movie she made and P. Diddy is probably casting a new reality show, something like Making the Zombie.
When drug addicts die young at the age of 27, Hollywood comes knocking to make movies about their life story. Well that was the case with Amy Winehouse but her father, who happens to own all the rights to her songs, says he will not allow them to be used in a movie. Her dad, Mitch Winehouse, said this, "It would hardly be a biopic without the music and we’d never allow the songs to be released." He did say he was writing a book about her and all the proceeds will go to a charity set-up in Amy's name. I somehow have a feeling that there will be a movie and Mitch won't be sending the profits from his book to a charity because of Mitch's profession. He drives taxi. Now I have nothing against taxi drivers, it's just that I don't think taxi driving is as lucrative as making millions for allowing your daughter's songs to be used in a movie about her life. Oh well, there's always the possibility of Gus Van Sant coming along and making a movie about her that is basically a word for word account from friends and family of her last days but it will be totally fictional. It worked for Kurt Cobain. If you really want to see an Amy Winehouse movie I'd suggest you watch Trainspotting or stand outside a methadone clinic while listening to an Amy Winehouse album.
Adrianne Curry took to Twitter this week and announced that if she got 300,000 followers she would pose completely nude. Here's the tweets: "Looks like when I hit300k a self taken photo of me is what is being requested. ould've thought you'd like it pro,but it's the peoples choice I figured I want2make my 300k twitpic quite epic. Getting a photoshoot together2get newer photos as opposed to posting a few month old 1 I jumped 14k followers in 2days because of offering2post an artistic beautiful topless modeling shot.The people have spoken.They like boobs." Damn straight they like boobs. The only thing she hasn't shown on Twitter is her vagina and nipples so I'd love to know what she has planned if she gets 1 million followers. X-rays of her cervix may not be that arousing to pervs like me.
This morning Britney Spears posted this on twitter: "OMG. Last night Jason surprised me with the one gift I've been waiting for. Can't wait to show you! SO SO SO excited!!!! Xxo" I guess that means third time's a charm...y'all. OK so it doesn't necessarily mean they are getting married. For all I know he gave her Slim Jim flavored Chapstick. God just imagine that wedding...Cheetos horderves, frapaccino fountains, cake made out of Gummi bears, and it will be catered by Taco Bell.
Sorry this took me 11 hours to write. I was beat last night so I started and then put it on hold. Anyway, lavish eprops upon me and have a great weekend.
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