Guys, this evening I went to a local cemetery to document paranormal activity.  Over the years I've heard numerous stories about how this particular cemetery was rife with apparitions.  Well, Xanga, I recorded evidence of a ghost and I thought I would share it with you.

I didn't document it but the ghost came back and was being chased by 3 quarters of a wheel of cheese.

I find it ironic that tonight I’m watching TV and one the History Channel I see American Pickers and they are glorifying hoarding and then I flip to the next channel and A&E is airing Hoarders and they are demonizing hoarding.  I wish my TV would make up it’s mind.

Drew Brees shouldn’t get all the credit for breaking Dan Marino’s passing record.  That weird birthmark threw a few passes along the way. If you cut that sucker off, then Brees is just a subpar quarterback sort of like Tony Romo.

I am the Picasso of loneliness.

One of my ex-girlfriends referred to her nipples as the eyes of her boobs.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was cross-eyed.

Do you know where I can return ten lords-a-leaping without a gift receipt?

A recent study determined that overweight children are more likely to have asthma.  The best way to cure this is to tell the kids to stop inhaling their food.

Dear Santa, all I wanted for Christmas was a girl with low self-esteem and questionable tattoos that I can mock on my blog.  You didn’t deliver.  Screw you. I hope you contracted salmonella from the raw chicken in the sushi Ileft out for you.

A recent study revealed that the best example of American greed can be found on the day after Christmas when people are out looking for more stuff after spending the previous day receiving free stuff.

Have you ever spent your Christmas in a bathroom drinking because everyone is “concerned” with your drinking habits?  Why is it that whenever someone is monitoring your drinking habits, you want to get shit-faced even more?

This week a man set a record by visiting 63 different airports in one month.  He wasn’t as happy to break the record as you’d expect. He had to endure 63 strip searches by TSA.

When I was in high school my school spirit was vodka.

Did you enjoy the new air guitar I got you for Christmas?

Friends are like snowflakes, if you piss on them, they’ll disappear.  Or they'll be your best friend forever if their name is R Kelly or Chuck Berry.

There is one day every year that “Christmas” is searched more than “porn” on Google.  Oddly, that day is August 7^th.

I’m depressed now that Christmas is over.  I take off my fake beard and I’m just a fat guy.

Imagine being afraid of spiders and walking through a cobweb.  You have just pictured what it looks like when I dance.

Guys, if you find a girl drinking whiskey with no mixer, put a ring on her finger or to the nearest IHOP, you know which ever is easier for you.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I always feel low when I’m in the drivethru at McDonald’s.  The only time I feel more depressed is when I’m singing to my CD player that’s playing Alanis Morrissette while I’m sitting in the parking lot of Kmart.

I’m surprised they didn’t name the Forever Lazy the Forever Virgin.

I won’t buy marijuana to make myself dumb and lazy because I was born that way.

I think I’m responsible for HBO canceling “Hung”.  I went to pitch my own TV show and I don’t know why it happened but during my presentation I dropped my pants. 

When did proper grammar become a desirable trait in a partner instead of a skill?

I went out Christmas shopping and mistook a strip club for a strip mall.  Long story short, I blew all my money and my family received coasters, swizzle sticks, and napkins for presents.

I had good news and bad news when I woke up this morning.  The bad news was there was gum stuck in my chest hair.  The good news was it wasn’t my gum.

Since I was alone for Christmas, I stood under the mistletoe and masturbated.

The worst part of going to your company’s Christmas party is looking for a job the next day.

I’m pretty sure I ate so much this weekend that my toilet has stretch marks.

Ladies, if you don’t know what to get your boyfriend or husband for Christmas, I’m here to help. No guy will complain if the only gift he receives is a piece of paper that says “Certificate good for ____ blowjobs.” I think the larger the number should be relative to the amount of times you cheated on him.

Ladies, if you ever meet a man that seems perfect in every way, he probably has a really weird looking penis.  I’m just warning you now so you’re expectations aren’t that high when we get married.

A recent study conducted said that German women have low expectations when it comes to sex because German men are such horrible lovers.  Looks like I’m moving to Germany so that way I won’t be disappointing every lady, just some.

A new study found that Xanga doesn’t ruin relationships;people do.  Xanga’s just an accelerant.

My Xanga crush is adorable. They finally admitted that I’m mentally unstable and have issues with the number structure of my pronouns.

What if spammers and bots on Xanga were actually aliens from another planet and they haven’t mastered the English language yet?

One of the reasons Twitter is better than Xanga is because you can’t spell “Twitter” without “wit” or “tit”.  If you can’t appeal to my mind you should aim for appealing to my eyes.

Sometimes you need to step back, take a deep breath, log off Xanga, and realize there’s more to life than arguing about racism, foreskins,and oral sex.

The longer I’m on Xanga, the more hypocritical it becomes when I’ll have to teach my children not to talk to strangers.

New Xanga team welcome message on first posts: Welcome to Xanga.  Feel free to attack and judge.  Don’t forget to keep it catty and ignorant.