My life has become an episode of the Three Stooges.  Sunday night was trying to plug in my phone charger because my phone had died.  Well I'm plugging it into an outlet right behind where I have my Christmas tree set up but not yet decorated.  Well I bump into the tree while plugging in the charger and the tree falls over landing on top of one of my CD racks.  The CD rack falls apart and CDs start falling everywhere.  I figured that that incident would be the worst Three Stooges-esque occurence this week.  Well I was wrong.  Tonight was was getting ready to wrap presents and I was in my den and I was carrying scissors and for some reason I dropped them and they land point first on the top of my foot and I jump in pain, knock over some DVDs which in turn knocked over some books.  So I start cleaning the DVDs up and I slip on the floor and push my Lazy Boy into another DVD toppling it over and on top I had all my cologne, body spray and deodorant.  I was cleaning that mess up for about the last hour.  When I have an accident, I have an accident.  Is it tattoo or link time?  Links.

1.  One of my favorite music websites put out their yearly awards for best music videos of the year.  Here's the list with the videos.

2.  One of my favorite music websites put out their yearly awards for best music tracks of the year.  Here's the list with the tracks.

3.  I'm sure you heard the news by now but North Korean ruler Kim Jong Il died sometime last weekend.  He was quite an interesting man.  Here's a list of some of the things you may not have known about him.  I'd love to play golf with him.

4.  Of course when Kim Jong Il died and people started talking about it on Twitter, the truly ignorant of the Twitter world thought that rapper Lil Kim had died.  Seriously, how can someone mistake a dictator for a rapper?  Anyway, here's some tweets of people who thought Lil Kim had died.

5.  A lot of shit goes down at Walmart over the course of the year.  Here are the nine best Walmart stories of 2011.

6.  Roger Ebert has written a list of the best films of 2011.  I remember watching Siskel & Ebert as a kid and my friends would say that any movie they gave two thumbs up would suck because it would be all artsy fartsy.  I think the way he describes these movies makes me want to see all of them.

7.  Are you still Christmas shopping?  Whatever you do, don't buy anything from these 25 terrible gifts to give this year.

8.  If you have read my celebrity round up posts for any length of time you will know my lust for a woman named Coco.  She is just so...surgically enhanced.  Well I happened across this collection of Coco fan art.  None of those were drawn by me but they're still good.

9.  Have you ever read the Bible and thought it was boring?  Well you're obviously not reading the right parts.  Here's some of the most badass Bible verses.  I want to make the #7 passages my confirmation passage but the pastor refused me that and then I tried Leviticus 19:14 but he didn't like that idea either.

10.  Have you ever wanted to know what the houses your favorite celebrity lived in looked like?  Well now you can thanks to the good people at Bing and Celebrity House Pictures.  This house is in my neck of the woods but it is more impressive viewed from the road or up close.

11.  I've sort of given a lot of links to one website this edition but here's another.  It's the guide to the best presents of 2011.  I'd be willing to accept any of those from you, Xanga.

12.  Have you ever wanted to watch Fight Club but only have 30 seconds to spare?  Have you ever wanted to watch a 30 second version of Fight Club re-enacted by animated bunnies?  Well if you said yes to either, watch Fight Club in 30 Second with Bunnies.

Much like sex, my life has been void of Christmas cards.

I was always a fan of Miller Lite and cigarillos.

I'm glad I quit.

Well I always thought meth would make Christmas lights come alive but this meth does nothing for me.

I'd much rather watch that than Twilight.

I was going through some old photos of our former presidents and I saw this photo of Franklin Pierce.  I began to ask if it was really Pierce or Mitt Romney with a Flock of Seagulls haircut.

I was being able to spell was your choice.

This may be one of my favorite puns of all time.

I have a feeling this will be under my tree this year.

Yeah, I can totally see how people got Lil Kim and Kim Jong Il mixed up.

Good night, sweet prince.

Merry Christmas!  Remember what this holiday is all about!  CONSUME!  CONSUME!  CONSUME!

Last week I posted a batch of Christmas and Hanukkah tattoos.  This week I'm back with more Christmas tattoos.

Have I ever told you about the one girl I dated who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week?  I once dated a girl who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week.

So because I dated a girl who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week I loathe these tattoos.

I refuse to watch that movie.

I don't know if this is Zombie Santa or Demon Santa. 

A lot of people tell me Elf is a good movie.  I've seen it once.  It's definitely not tattoo worthy.

I found this tattoo and it said it was supposed to be Darwin but I thought it looked like Santa...interesting how my mind interpreted that.

Here's another tattoo from the best Christmas special, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  I don't know why but I think it's because of Rudolph's expression that makes it look like Santa's trying to get Rudolph to do more than guide his sleigh by night.

This is the only deer to stand up to Santa.

Sweet Jesus!

That tattoo will die hard.  I just hope he never encounters a man named Hans Gruber.

And that, children, is why candy canes are red and white.

Jeden Tag, jeden Jahr!  That says, "Merry Christmas every day" in German for those who don't sprech Deutsch.

Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared supply up at me.

Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.

It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me. Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...

Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.

You used up all the glue on purpose!

Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!

They'll send the deed for cripesake. I didn't expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley.

The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...

Naddafinga!

Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.

A Bad Santa bad tattoo?  Actually it's not that bad if you are considering the artwork but why would you get a Bad Santa tattoo?  WHY?  Did you ask Santa for it?  My brain hurts.

I hope you have a happy holiday season and you avoid getting a regrettable tattoo.

Christmas and it may be a little NSFW

I think Santa is testing the mistletoe.

Like this I do...notice you ever Jews like talks Yoda?

Someone gave me that outfit last year.  It didn't look good on me at all.

Suddenly I wish I was one of Santa's reindeer.

Lately I've felt that Christmas is nothing but a pile of shit and everyone out there likes to shit all over me but hey it only comes once a year sort of like me.

Santa gives good gifts to all the kinky girls and boys.

TAKE IT SANTA!  I think this brings new meaning to my recent thoughts of "screw Christmas".

Bad boy, you're a bad boy...naughty list?  Don't make me roll up this newspaper.

Repost but the thought counts.

Best. Christmas. EVER!

TAKE IT JUST STOP LOOKING AT ME!

I could go for some hotwings about now.

Yep...that's how my Christmas parties turn out.

The 12 Days of Holiday Havoc are winding down and I haven't seen the usual tranny surprise where Maury goes around the audience asking if the people walking on his stage are real men or surgically made women.  I'm betting the last day will be a special paternity show.

I was reading a report today that people identified Adam Sandler's Hanukkah songs with Hanukkah over the Dreidl song.  
 

Well bubeleh, remember Hanukkah Harry has to schlep all your toys to you so be a mensch and leave him some nice matzah.  Your meschuga to not leave anything out for Hanukkah Harry...why that is plain chutzpah!  Also don't be a kolboynick and deny the existence of Hanukkah Harry.  Drek for you, putz!

Happy Hanukkah!  Rosh Tov!

And now a blast from the past not starring Brendan Fraser but starring MASH-UPS!  I used to post these things a few years back and people grew tired of them so I stopped posting.  I think I got upwards of 100 mash-ups in the audio blog section of this site.  Anyway here are some special holiday mash-ups.

Here's a mash-up for all my Jewish friends out there.  Mazel Tov!   For the goyim out there, it's Hanukkah.  And for those people that are demanding stores say "Happy Holidays", remember Hannakuh has been celebrated hundreds of years before Christ was born and besides that Christ was born in April...just saying.  Anyway this mash-up is a song from Sarah Silverman called "Give Da Jew Girl a Toy".  It 's mashed with what could perhaps be the greatest song to ever come out of Germany.  That song is "Da Da Da" by Trio.  Back in the late 90s, "Da Da Da" was used in Volkswagen ads.  I rushed out to the Best Buy and bought that album.  It helped my German.

This mash-up contains "Bang a Gong" by T. Rex and a Christmas song called "Back Door Santa" .  I like how this one flows, it's just amazing how well "Bang a Gong" fits.

This is a rather intense mash-up.  It contains multiple Christmas carols mashed-up with multiple songs by Led Zeppelin.  Merry Axe-mas from Jimmy Page!

I couldn't find the name of the Christmas song in this one but I still loved it because it isn't Christmas until you hear some AC/DC.  There is nothing I love more in this world then sitting around the Christmas tree, watching the snow fly, sipping hot chocolate, and rocking out to "Ballbreaker"...Yes, "Ballbreaker"!

OK this may be the mash-up of the week.  It is one of the strangest mixes I have ever heard.  It takes a Christmas song by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and mashes it with "All the Small Things" by Blink 182.  My description can not properly say how awesome this song is.

This little mash-up is a combination of "Christmas Time is Here Again" by The Beatles mashed with "More Than a Feeling" by Boston.  That song by The Beatles has to be the most annoying song in their library yet it has a funny moment.  I'll have to upload the original because Paul McCartney admitted later in life that when they recorded that he was enjoying some Christmas green...he was smoking the marijuana.

I just wanted to be a little serious here and wish all my friends and enemies a Merry Christmas.  I hope that you and yours find a peaceful respite during this holiday season.  For those who habla espanol Feliz Navidad.  For those that sprech Deutsch, Ich wunsche euch ein frohes Weihnachten.  I hope my Jewish friends had 8 nights filled with mirth and craziness.  May you always land on gimel.

Osama Bin Laden died. Mumar Kaddafi died.  Kim Jong Il died.  I guess 2011 was a year that pigs would die.

There was a rumor circulating on twitter and facebook that Bon Jovi was dead.  Well he didn’t die but he’s been dead to me for 25 years.

I’m the guy on Facebook who’ll add you as a friend but won’t talk to you outside Facebook.

Google says the most searched item for 2011 was Justin Bieber and that was just the women trying to file paternity suits against him.

My business card is just someone else’s with my information written on the back.

A study found that older people are more likely to die from swine flu but then older people are more likely to die period.

The reason the stock market lost momentum on Monday after news of Kim Jong Il’s death and the death of Kaddafi was because the tan jumpsuit and sunglasses markets bottomed out. In lieu of flowers, Kim Jong Il’s family asks you to starve someone in his honor.  The factories in North Korea closed after the death of Kim Jong Il. Santa Claus is currently pacing nervously at the North Pole wondering if his toy order will be filled.  The good thing for Santa is that the chances of him being shot down over North Korea have dropped 90%.  Donald Trump refuses to acknowledge Kim Jong Il’s death until he sees the death certificate.  The North Korean reports that Kim Jong Il died defending North Korea from Godzilla remains unconfirmed but FOX News is on the case.  FOX News reported that now that Kim Jong Il died, Obama is the only socialist dictator alive.  And that scurrying sound you hear is Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann trying to figure out who Kim Jong Il was and how to blame Obama for his death or not killing him sooner.  Kim Jong Il was 69 when he died.  Ironically that’s how I’d like to die.  But seriously, rest in peace Kim Jong Il, you were hilarious in the Hangover movies.

The NBA season opens on Christmas Day.  This is the worst Christmas present ever.

NASA said there’s no reason to fear the apocalypse happening in 2012 because it happened in 2006.

My body is a temple but no one has worshiped here in an awfully long time.

30% of married women say their pets are better listeners than their spouses.  70% of pets say this crazy lady won’t shut up.

ExxonMobil says that by 2040 half of all cars in the world will be hybrids.  The other half will be on the front lawns of rednecks.

The only cardio work I’ve gotten this week is running from Salvation Army bell ringers chasing me after I’ve grabbed the kettle.

Girls, are you looking for a bad boy?  Just to let you know, I’m a pretty bad boy Scrabble player.  I let people use proper names and places.

I bought my girlfriend a bullet-proof vest for Christmas because I bought myself a handgun and a case of vodka.

I went to Walmart and tried to buy a 60 inch TV because it said it cost $20.  Little did they know,I got a price gun for Christmas, which means I found an unattended price gun in the toy section.

I don’t know why people get so riled up about Tim Tebow praying before, during, and after football games.  I pray every time I stretch my groin muscles.

And here's your weekly dose of motivation, expanded as a Christmas present?:

My girlfriend said she’d never try to understand sports fora man unless he had a big dick.  I like sitting alone while I watch sports.

When I hit on girls, I like to say, “Nice pectorals.”  That’s a fancy way of saying, “Nice tits.”  Girls love science.  It’s a scientific fact that my cousin Leroy told me.

All my life I had dreamed of writing for television so you can imagine how suicidal I became when I was offered a job writing Kim and Kourtney Kardashian’s real, unrehearsed, and unscripted dialogue.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  Mars is home to future human colonies and Venus is 860F.  It’s no wonder women on Earth are always complaining about how cold they are.

Do you remember the days when Disney produced good family movies instead of teen sluts?

I’ve started watching more British comedies because they make everything that comes out of Hollywood look like a Dane Cook joke.

My last girlfriend broke up with me when I demanded that when we had sex that she scream “Come on down” and then play The Price is Right theme song while I ran naked through the house.

I was out for a walk this afternoon and I saw a kid get off a school bus and as he got off, he turned and said, “Thank you for the wonderful ride, sir.”  That kid’s parents deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

After having an argument with your spouse or significant other you have two choices: apologize and go about your day –OR- hear them complain about your position in a whinier voice until you relent to their demands.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good and them I realized that Fred Durst is a millionaire.

Everyone says I’m hard to shop for.  Obviously they don’t know I like beer.

I like to wear a lot of bad cologne.  If a girl can be around me without throwing up when I’m wearing cologne then she can stomach seeing me naked.

After every post on Xanga and seeing the lack of comments, I throw down my mouse and scream in my best Russell Crowe voice, “Are you not entertained?”

I’ve often thought that making your posts private is like hiring security guards to guard your toilet bowl.

My fantasy dictator league has been shit this year.

In all honesty, I’m amazed that so many of you read my blathering.  It’s an honor that you read what I write.  2011 has been awesome so you better make 2012 awesomer.  And just in case I drink too much and pass out for a few days, Merry Christmas.

blah blah blah last assignment blah blah blah B+ blah blah room for improvement shit weekend hate shit

And here's your next assignment:

Get to work

#caturday Well my cats were weird today.  They spent the majority of the day sleeping next to a radiator.  I think they do that as a way to deal with the pain from their shots.  They acted all mopey and when I tried to move them they'd walk right back to the radiators.  About two hours ago one came out and laid on me and then an hour ago the other came out and demanded petting and then a half hour ago they started chasing each other so I guess they are back normal.  I'm bad at transitions so enjoy.

Well I hope it was worth the hype.  And if you haven't had time yet, go read my Celebrity Round Up.

I took my cats to the vet today to have their claws trimmed and to have their yearly shots.  I was surprised how easy it was to get my cats into their kennels and also how well behaved they were on the road.  Well I get there early and no one is around so I get them in and taken care.  I pull out Kiki first and am holding her while the vet clips her claws.  Kiki is growling and hissing the whole time.  I thought nothing of it because that's how she usually acts.  Well the vet comes in with the first shot in Kiki's scruff and Kiki starts hissing and spitting.  Then the vet tries to stick Kiki in her hind quarter and Kiki had nothing of that and she jumped and bit me in the hand.  That was the first time she ever bit me in a non-playful way.  The vet freaks out and puts all sorts of antibiotics on the wounds.  I can barely see where Kiki bit me now but the vet insisted that I get a tetanus shot.  I call my mom on the way home and she's freaking out because apparently my last tetanus shot was in 2000.  Well I go to the hospital and get a tetanus shot and when I get home my aunt called and wanted to go Christmas shopping.  Well that meant I get to drive because she doesn't like to drive at night.  I hate being in stores after December 1st because people are assholes.  Well it's time for me to be an asshole.  Round up time.

Tony Bennett sketched this photo of Lady Gaga and is auctioning it off for charity.  The last time I checked the sketch was at $5400.  I hope he didn't have to sit in the same room with a naked Gaga.  I think at this point if they were really serious about raising money for charity, they'd raise money to staple Lady Gaga's mouth shut, put a paper bag over her head, and then freeze her in carbonite.

Hey, what do you know, Tila Tequila still exists.  It looks like she's finally sobered up, got her fake breasts out, and is ready to break some hearts and fill some Valtrex prescriptions.  Tila actually looks respectful...well if you call giant stripper boobs falling out of a dress respectful but in Tila's case this is respectful.

Steve Buscemi turned 54 this week.  Wow, I thought he was older.  CAREFUL!  Don't make eye contact!

Wow, Snooki lost a lot of weight and I guess the skinnier you become the douchier you look and oranger you become.  Must vomit.

I really think Shakira needs to release a workout tape or at least a tape demonstrating proper lifting technique.  Lift with the legs...oh yeah, I'll remember.

Umm Selena, I can see your umm yeah.  You might want to consider wearing clothing that is less tight.  I'm sure you can go to Walmart and find that same outfit in larger sizes.

Salma Hayek once prayed to Christ for bigger boobs and her prayers were answered.  Thank God.  She said that when she was in school she was scared because she wasn't developing like her classmates and she was getting teased for being flat chested.  She said that she went to a church of a saint that was known for doing a lot of miracles and she dipped her hand in holy water and crossed herself on the chest and prayed to Christ for bigger breasts.  If you're an atheist after reading that, shame on you.  Let us rejoice that Salma went to a church where holy water works for something like bigger breasts instead of something like world peace or a cure to all diseases or an end to reality TV.  Now I think I'm going to have to fly to Mexico and find this church and dump holy water on my penis.

A photo has surfaced of Rima Fakih partying at a bar just before she was pulled over on suspicion of DUI.  I was thinking of using my media credentials that I've been granted through Xanga (seriously, you should try it, get media passes to events because you write for a blog) and go to Michigan but I think everyone in that community would have diplomatic immunity.  There's probably also a lot of holy soldiers supporting Abu Nazir there and I've grown attached to having my head on my neck and my SUV has a low tire so I'll let someone else cover this one.

Miley Cyrus wore this outfit to a CNN Heroes event last weekend.  Everyone began to speculate that she has had breast implants.  One of the country's top plastic surgeons says that because of the roundness and volume she's had to have had work done on them.  Miley fired back with this little gem on Twitter: "Thems is useles as book-larnin'or tits on a boar"  Wait, that's not what she said, why did I think she said that...hmm...anyway this is what she said, "Thank you for the compliment but these babies are all mine. I wish they'd realize you don't have to be fake to be beautiful!"  Yes, her breasts are nice and round and perky.  She's 19 and I realize I'm not a doctor but sometimes you have to trust my opinion but if there's anyone out there who knows how to be authentic it's Hannah Montana's secret identity, the multi-millionaire stoner who dedicates songs to the Occupy Wall Street movement.  I think Miley's spittoon is running over with truthfulness.  Well within the next couple of weeks we will have our hands on her breasts and by that I mean there's a topless photo of Miley circulating amongst her friends and it's only a matter of time before it gets on the internet.  Guess what, her dad, Billy Ray, isn't too happy that Jethro, Bubba Bob, and Cooter are getting a gander at his young un's baby feeders.  A family insider said that Billy Ray read Miley the riot act because he's worried that this will ruin her career because there are still many young and impressionable children who look up to Miley.  I don't think Billy Ray is in a position to yell at Miley because HIS career is dead and Meal Ticket I mean Miley is squeezing the last drops of blood out of the stone. 

Mayim Bialik turned 36 this week.  I really like her in recent years from what I've seen of her on The Big Bang Theory.  I guess I've started to warm up to that show since TBS shoves it down my throat and I just gave up and laid back and let them shove away.  She is a geek goddess.  She sure has come a long way since Blossom and I love how in the first season they make reference to her and how she really is smart.  Swoon.  Forever alone.  Internet catchphrase.

Since Lindsay Lohan has such a strenuous work schedule recently, her probation officer allowed her to go on vacation to Hawaii.  Lindsay traveled with a friend and her incredible shrinking sister Ali.  I think the hardest work on Lindsay's last project was the photoshop software that made her look like Marilyn Monroe.  They could've at least drawn her some nipples.  Hugh Hefner tweeted that because of the leak and high demand they pushed up the release date of the issue.  They paid her $1million and probably used that much to photoshop it.  Apparently the issue isn't selling that well possibly because of the leak or because people are fed up with Lindsay.  I feel bad for the 18 year old Playmate that will have to cheer up Hef now that the magazine is in the crapper because of Lindsay.  While on vacation Lindsay had her $5,000 purse stolen while at a house party.  Inside the purse she had her probation papers, passport, and a lot of cash.  I wonder why she had a lot of cash and her passport especially if Hawaii is a part of America the last time I checked.  One of Lindsay's friends spotted a suspicious looking local and when questioned he denied knowing anything about the purse but a few minutes later he returned the purse however it was void of all cash.  Supposedly she had $10,000 inside the purse.  OK so I think we're missing something other than $10K and a passport.  WHY WOULD YOU NEED $10K FOR A HOUSE PARTY?  I don't want to speculate but she was probably buying drugs.  Oh and the insurance claim was that Lindsay also had a a painting from Picasso's "Blue Period" and an original copy of the Declaration of Independence.  I don't see how this claim will get denied.  Lindsay was also scheduled to be a guest on the Ellen show to whore out the Playboy issue that everyone has seen already.  See that was supposed to be the cover unveiling but it got leaked.  Well Lindsay told the people at the Ellen show that she was having travel related problems and couldn't make it to the taping.  Well the people at Ellen said that they were filming their shows leading up until the holidays and wouldn't be able to reschedule.  Travel related issues?  It's brain dead related issues and crack whore related issues.  She was probably sticking in Hawaii to do as many drugs as possible.  Sometimes I wish I could not give a fuck as much as Lindsay doesn't give a fuck.

This is Ali Lohan.  Wow!  Holy crap!  I'm stunned.  Crazy!  She's holding a CD.  Those are from the 90s.  She's so rich I'd figure she'd have an iPod.  Oh and she's incredibly skinny too.  I could probably fit one hand around her waist.  If she doesn't put on some weight she'll float away or be blown around.  I'm surprised she's still standing and wasn't being drug by the snorting power of Lindsay's nose.

Vanessa Bryant is divorcing her husband Kobe Bryant after ten years of marriage.  I guess she finally wised up to his unfaithful ways and realized that a $4million ring wasn't worth all the pain he caused from forcing the difficult brown on a hotel desk clerk in Colorado and countless other women.  The best part of this is when they got married Kobe didn't have Vanessa sign a pre-nup so Vanessa is only seeing this $$$.  Vanessa got sick of Kobe coming home every night smelling like other women so she is divorcing and seeking custody of their two children Natalia Diamante and Gianna Maria-Onore plus spousal support.  I wonder if it's coincidence that under California law if a couple is married at least 10 years you automatically get half of everything.  Do you really think she stood by playing a dumb bimbo while Kobe was being accused of butt rape?  She was just waiting to cash in.  CHA-CHING!  She might consider changing her last name to Kardashian.

Ever since Katy Perry said she wanted to have a large amount of children, pregnancy rumors have been swirling.  Then this photo was released of Katy shilling her new fragrance called Meow and the pregnancy rumors commenced.  Can you imagine how big her boobs will get if she is pregnant?  If she travels by airplane they'll charge her $50 for each boob.  Well I have the same problem when flying with my massive penis so I'll only fly Delta.  I don't think she looks pregnant.  I just think she looks like a Mary Kay saleswoman.

I've stayed away from writing all my feelings about the scandal at Penn State and why start now?  Joe Paterno fell this week and re-fractured his hip.  He originally broke his hip during a game when a player ran into him.  So a broken hip, lung cancer, and the ongoing scandal...2012 isn't looking too good for JoePa.  He hopes the Mayans are accurate with their predictions.  So JoePa re-injures his hip 2 days before the Sandusky trial starts.  Is that a coincidence?  Is he seeking sympathy for when he has to testify?  Or is it the more probably explanation in that he was taking batteries out of the freezer, heating a can of chili with the pilot light on his water heater, or whatever it is old people do?

Jessica Simpson signed a $3million deal with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.  People are claiming that is why Jessica has been eating everything in site.  She wants to gain more weight so that when she sheds it all it will be more dramatic.  Well how nice for her but I think this is going to end badly because last year Jessica worked with a trainer who is renowned for working with celebrities and putting them on 800 calories a day diets and 3 hour workout sessions.  Even though Jessica was working with this trainer she still ate lots of fried food and drank lots of liquor.  Jessica is also being made fun of by her fiance Eric Johnson.  He tapes photos of Kirstie Alley all over the house and has called Jessica "Kirstie 2.0".  Eric Johnson is an idiot.  Who is he to mock the breadwinner of the family?  I wonder if he knows what happens when his unemployment runs out.  Jessica takes the strap-on autographed by Tony Romo out of the nightstand and she rearranges his colon.  But seriously, she's been gaining weight since 2008.  So she's been pregnant since 2008?  I didn't think that was possible.  I knew I should've paid attention during biology class.

It's official, Howard Stern is going to replace Piers Morgan and will be a judge on the next season of America's Got Talent.  I'm happy because we need fewer British judges on American reality shows telling Americans that they are shit.  It's more pleasant when someone says it to you without a highfalutin accent.  I'm actually sort of shocked that Stern took the gig because if you ever listen to his show, he's always complaining about having to work and he always talks about retiring.  Maybe this is a transition since NBC airs America's Got Talent and lately it seems like shows go to NBC to die.  Stern will keep his radio show and America's Got Talent will move to New York City.  I guess they really wanted him to be a judge since they are packing up and moving across the country.  Maybe Stern will make the show that much better.

Hank Williams III turned 39 this week.  I really like Hank 3.  He is so unique in his music.  The one time I saw him at First Ave there was such an eclectic mix of people.  You had older people there because they wanted to see him because of his grandfather and father.  You had some people there because of his outlaw style country.  Then you had a third group of people there for the second act of his show which is when he plays speed metal.  Yeah, a Hank Williams III concert usually has two acts, an outlaw country act and a speed metal act.  It's such an amazing mix.  Anyway, this is probably one of the first ever Hank 3 songs I heard.

American Idol winner and victim of malicious bank subprime loans, Fantasia, gave birth to a baby boy this week.  OK whenever I read that a person gave birth to a baby I always chuckle because what else is a human going to give birth to?  A brick?  A chair?  A roll of duct tape?  Fantasia sent out this message via People magazine: "Baby Dallas made his debut on Tuesday in North Carolina at 7 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches long. He joins big sister Zion, 10.  I feel so blessed that my son Dallas Xavier was born healthy, and is a wonderful new addition to our family. I thank all my fans for their well wishes and continued support."  I was expecting Fantasia to name her son something like Fab Five or Four Gee because she met the father at a TMobile store.

Here's something for the ladies...Don Johnson turned 62 this week.  I didn't use a recent pic but dug up something from his days on Miami Vice.  Do you remember that show and how groundbreaking it was?  I never watched it because my parents didn't think it was appropriate for me.  Miami Vice is tame by today's standards so I guess that means there's nothing appropriate for me on TV these days.

Since legendary baseball player asshole Derek Jeter broke up with Minka Kelly, he's been bedding a bevy of beauties at astonishing rates.  People are claiming that he's bringing a new girl home every night.  I guess if I had his name power I'd do the same or more likely the first girl to do that one thing that drives me crazy would have me proposing marriage.  Well when Derek sends the girl home the next day he sends them out with style.  A source close to the situation had this to say: "Derek has girls stay with him at his apartment in New York, and then he gets them a car to take them home the next day. Waiting in his car is a gift basket containing signed Jeter memorabilia, usually a signed baseball. This summer, he ended up hooking up with a girl who he had hooked up with once before, but Jeter seemed to have forgotten about the first time and gave her the same identical parting gift, a gift basket with a signed Derek Jeter baseball. He basically gave her the same gift twice because he’d forgotten hooking up with her the first time!"  It's not Jeter's fault she wasn't memorable.  He should be thankful she didn't give him the gift that keeps on giving.  I guess if things get rough for these women, they can always auction off their swag for Valtrex prescriptions. 

Last week or two weeks ago I posted a photo of Daniel Day Lewis on a day off from the Lincoln biopic and we all agreed that he looked like Hipster Lincoln.  Well here's a photo of Daniel Day Lewis dressed in Lincoln regalia along with Steven Spielberg.  He may just be the closest looking Lincoln I've ever seen in a movie.  I wonder what the odds in Vegas are that he'll win the Oscar.

Oh Courtney Stodden...you sure know how to keep it demure in Hollywood by standing half naked outside in December.  That couldn't have been staged at all.

Sorry @RaiderJester I couldn't resist.  People who rent $8million houses to Courtney Love should have their head examined.  The first rule of renting $8million houses should be that if you don't want your rental property looking like it's a crack then don't rent to Courtney Love.  Courtney's landlord, Donna Lyon, filed papers to evict Courtney from her townhouse in the west village.  She claims that Courtney almost burned down the house, wallpapered over custom-glazed walls, and failing to pay rent for two months.  Wait until she finds what Courtney left in the basement with her meth lab and anti-Dave Grohl shrine.  Donna said she bought the house last year and had a designer fancify the place.  She said that Courtney was paying $27,000 a month and shortly after she moved in all the shenanigans began.  Donna also claims that it will take $100,000 and about a year to get the house looking back to what it was B.C. (before Courtney).  She is going about this the wrong way.  The best way to get rid of Courtney Love is to set off a giant Raid bomb and when Courtney comes running out dump a huge bucket of soap on her.  Oh and since I read that the house in American Horror Story is for sale and the producers are scrambling to figure out what they'll do for season two maybe they could get Courtney to move into a house and then after a few months begin filming because she could sure make any house a hell house.

This is Colton Haynes.  He's the lead actor on the MTV show Teen Wolf.  One of the producers this week accidentally posted a photoshoot featuring Colton in the throes of passion with another young man.  It wasn't porn but it featured Colton and another guy kissing.  I was sort of shocked by this because it was one of the first times that someone in Hollywood was forced out of the closet by someone other than the gay bully Perez Hilton.

Amber Heard had a message for all closeted actors in Hollywood.  Heard, who happens to be a lesbian, said this, "You can’t respect yourself if you’re afraid to be who you are. It requires bravery to do something no one else around you is doing. But the risk was outweighed by the possibility of playing into this horribly detrimental lie that some in Hollywood perpetuate.”  Hey, she didn't name names!  Now if that was gay bully Perez Hilton he would've thrown out the names Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bradley Cooper, and Will Smith.  Nowhere did Amber Heard say Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bradley Cooper, or Will Smith.  The closeted community of Hollywood must be tighter than the Freemasons.  Is there no help for the widow's son?  I would like to sit down with Amber and discuss these things, maybe over a bottle of wine and while we do each other's hair and discuss how I can help her with her wanting to become pregnant.

81 year old Clint Eastwood is set to star in a reality series along with his wife and his two youngest daughters for E!.  It is supposedly going to follow the two daughters in their quest to become actresses.  Clint was always one of the coolest actors out there and his characters were some of the toughest icons on the screen.  Now he's doing a reality series?  I think I'm going to be sick.  I mean I wouldn't be upset if they revealed that Dirty Harry was gay and raped people in police custody in order to get them to make a confession.  A reality series?  Clint, you disappoint me.

Christina Hendricks is now shilling Johnnie Walker.  Well she sold me for two reasons.  One, it's tasty and two, Johnnie Walker is the epitome of luxury scotch.  Oh who am I kidding?  BOOBS!  This Epiphany the three wise men could bring me a redhead with magnificent breast holding a bottle of scotch.  I'd be in heaven.  See I have issues.  I've been alone way too long.  I don't think I can make it to another Christmas alone.

Apparently after months of denial, Cameron Diaz and P. Diddy finally admitted that they are dating after they were spotted making out at a party at a lounge where they also shared numerous bottles of booze.  To me, those two are the poster children for insufferable and getting them together...I'm surprised a black hole hasn't opened.  I think the booze explains why they were drawn to each other.  Cameron probably sees money in P. Diddy because I can't remember the last major movie she made and P. Diddy is probably casting a new reality show, something like Making the Zombie.

When drug addicts die young at the age of 27, Hollywood comes knocking to make movies about their life story.  Well that was the case with Amy Winehouse but her father, who happens to own all the rights to her songs, says he will not allow them to be used in a movie.  Her dad, Mitch Winehouse, said this, "It would hardly be a biopic without the music and we’d never allow the songs to be released."  He did say he was writing a book about her and all the proceeds will go to a charity set-up in Amy's name.  I somehow have a feeling that there will be a movie and Mitch won't be sending the profits from his book to a charity because of Mitch's profession.  He drives taxi.  Now I have nothing against taxi drivers, it's just that I don't think taxi driving is as lucrative as making millions for allowing your daughter's songs to be used in a movie about her life.  Oh well, there's always the possibility of Gus Van Sant coming along and making a movie about her that is basically a word for word account from friends and family of her last days but it will be totally fictional.  It worked for Kurt Cobain.  If you really want to see an Amy Winehouse movie I'd suggest you watch Trainspotting or stand outside a methadone clinic while listening to an Amy Winehouse album. 

Adrianne Curry took to Twitter this week and announced that if she got 300,000 followers she would pose completely nude.  Here's the tweets: "Looks like when I hit300k a self taken photo of me is what is being requested. ould've thought you'd like it pro,but it's the peoples choice  I figured I want2make my 300k twitpic quite epic. Getting a photoshoot together2get newer photos as opposed to posting a few month old 1  I jumped 14k followers in 2days because of offering2post an artistic beautiful topless modeling shot.The people have spoken.They like boobs."  Damn straight they like boobs.  The only thing she hasn't shown on Twitter is her vagina and nipples so I'd love to know what she has planned if she gets 1 million followers.  X-rays of her cervix may not be that arousing to pervs like me.

This morning Britney Spears posted this on twitter: "OMG. Last night Jason surprised me with the one gift I've been waiting for. Can't wait to show you! SO SO SO excited!!!! Xxo"  I guess that means third time's a charm...y'all.  OK so it doesn't necessarily mean they are getting married.  For all I know he gave her Slim Jim flavored Chapstick.  God just imagine that wedding...Cheetos horderves, frapaccino fountains,  cake made out of Gummi bears, and it will be catered by Taco Bell.

Sorry this took me 11 hours to write.  I was beat last night so I started and then put it on hold.  Anyway, lavish eprops upon me and have a great weekend.

I like "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".  There I said it.  And weird...The Office episodes tonight on TBS were the ones where Michael left and I flip over to my FOX affiliate and it's the last episode of Seinfeld.  I am now fearful for my life.  Now it's time for links. 

1.  Sometimes celebrities will be approached to endorse products simply because they have name power and you can tell when this is the case in what they are trying to sell.  Here are some shameful celebrity endorsements.

2.  I like video games but I'm not much of a gamer.  I think the last games I bought were the Medal of Honor games for PS2 and tonight I was playing NCAA 10 Football.  Yesterday I almost bought myself a Christmas present.  It was an old school Atari-like machine that had 60 built in games.  I then thought I could just get out my Atari instead.  I also thought about getting my old NES out.  Then I found this article of the 20 worst NES games.  I can't believe I didn't own any of those.  I did play the Gilligan's Island game.  It was just as bad as the description. 

3.  I always like seeing celebrities before they were stars.  Well here's a collection of today's popular celebrities in some of their first roles in some classic movies.  Steve Buscemi blew my mind.  I guess I never noticed.  Oh and Adam Sandler always cracks me up to know he was on the Cosby Show and one of my favorite skits on SNL was when he played Bill Cosby.  He looked nothing like Cosby and he was white.  IT MADE NO SENSE BUT IT WAS HILARIOUS!

4.  OH MAN...the Iowa caucus is upon us, folks!  I'm stoked!  I just may start dancing with some of these videos of politicians dancing.  Yeah that was a lame lead up.

5.  If you read my Celebrity Round Up you'll know I enjoy reading Twitter especially Twitter accounts of celebrities...female celebrities to be exact.  So many post photos that are quite sexy.  Here are the sexiest.

6.  It's December and that can only mean two things...best of and worst of lists.  Well to get the ball rolling, here's the worst movies of 2011 according to the AV Club.  I have not seen any of those....thank god

7.  Here's a collection of words that the English speaking world must stop misspelling...it's almost 2012 and people can't spell definitely.  If you forget how to spell "definitely" here's a handy little website.  I defiantly use it.

8.  I don't really eat fastfood anymore.  There's a number of factors involved in that decision.  Well here's a list of the 7 most overrated fastfood chains.  I have to agree with most of them but then a few of them I've never had the pleasure of eating their food.

9.  Here's an article of the best movies of 2011 that you didn't see but that you should.  Man...I haven't seen any of those but now I want to see all of them especially Super.

10.  Here's a collection of the 25 best music videos of 2011.  I love #1 and not just because there are cats involved OR because the drummer is my cousin.  It's a great song and video so there.

11.  This may be one of my favorite Tumblrs right now.  It's called They Might Be Hipsters.  It simply takes They Might Be Giants lyrics and paste them on photos hipsters post on Tumblr.  Results are ironic.

12.  So have you become an owner of the Green Bay Packers?  Have you bought me a Christmas present yet?  Well here's the site where you can buy stock and become an NFL owner.  Fuck Jerry Jones, the NFL has the Godfather of Green Bay as an owner!

This is the new most common back-up plan in the event of an unwanted pregnancy now that the Morning After pill requires a prescription.

We can learn a lot about Paula Deen from this photo.  First, she loves bacon.  Second, she loves Skyrim, and finally, she loves role-playing.  She also used to enjoy sex but then she took an arrow to the knee.

Damn potheads.

Irony

When I first saw this shirt I was thinking, "Wow, it's nice to know there's people out there that love the colorblind" but then I read it closely.

It would be 1000% better than Dumb & Dumberer

You know when I first saw this, I was thinking what Shane was thinking.

Oh shit...Mabel got a Glock.  Everyone in Wisconsin is getting their concealed carry permit.

Ass rubbing to commence in 3...2...1...oh wait, I'm alone and I don't want to get my screen all dirty.  It's dirty enough with all the stuff I look at.

Sage advice but I think Xanga should add to it...Keep calm, eat cheese, and recommend this post.

So I dug up some Christmas and Hanukkah tattoos for your enjoyment/bewilderment.

He got an arrow through the throat because he wouldn't let Rudolph join in the reindeer games.

No way would I let that guy near my teeth.


Those are abominable.

Jerry Sandusky got a tattoo for Christmas.

Celebrate or not, there is no try when Christmas it comes to.

Did you know that "Santa" is derived from "Satan"?  Don't believe me, discuss it with the Church Lady.

I know this is from one of those old hokey Christmas specials but I can't remember which one.

At first I thought this was Woody from Toy Story but someone told it's from a Christmas special.  I was a deprived child.

Are the reindeer silent now Clarice?

I have a special present for you under my forest.

You have to do a lot of upkeep with this tattoo.  You rub peppermint on it once a day.

I have some mistletoe tattooed on my body where I'd like a kiss.

If you get this tattoo you'll always have your dreams of being a dentist crushed and will be forced to work on an assembly line.

Something on my body gets all red when I get excited...ok I'm really ruining Christmas with all my references to my penis.

Santa's gonna have to stab a bitch.

Why does Frosty look like he wants to steal my soul and then go snort copious amounts of coke?

The only thing this tattoo stole was a case of copyright infringement.

I'd like to hava little nagila with her.

You can't take the Jew out.

Jews for Jesus


I was talking to someone about last week's edition and said you could pretty much find a tattoo of anyone or anything.  Well I did a Google search for Winston Churchill tattoos and I found these two beauties.

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer"  I think there's a better way to remember that than through a tattoo but that's just me thinking.

I hope you enjoyed and stay tuned for next week for more Christmas tattoos.

I have more haikus
Most are lame comment replies
Then there's Rick Perry

Thanks for the laughter
It is appreciated
A paradigm shift

Oh @Rob_of_the_Sky
You're very kind to me, sir
Coming up Milhouse

I think that's enough
You are way to kind to me
Why are my eyes wet

Hurt cheeks make me smile
I could make some rude comments
I'm a gentleman

Thank you very much
Now you receive a haiku
It's only for you

Of course I am right
I don't want to sound cocky
Maybe I'm not right

I like the smiley
Smileys set my page on fire
Smiles on a hot day

I think you have it
I really think you have it
The life of the wife

You are who you are
Girlfriends can also be wives
I'm so very deep

Thank you my good man
I hope you enjoy haikus
Locker assignment

I appreciate
All of your very kind words
You are much too kind

Don't ever give up
It's very unbecoming
Now, it is your turn

You like my haikus
This makes me feel all tingly
Weird Al isn't weird

Your haikus are so
much better than my haikus
Purple Chimpanzee

A red solo cup
I’ll be sure to fill you up
Drown all my sorrows

Burning cherry tree
Ev'ry blossom is aflame
Uh, here come the cops

Wow bitch, you scare me
I need to get away now
Oh crap I’m so screwed

In year twenty-twelve
War was beginning: Captain,
we get a signal.

This is Major Tom
Captain, something has gone wrong
Send help; Major Tom

How Do I Haiku?
Is It Five, Seven, Then Five?
I Think I Haiku.

I punched the truck's door.
Somehow, it then exploded.
Today was so good.

refrigerator
antidisestablishment
so few elephants

1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5 + 2
1 2 3 4 5

cashew masala
so tasty and delicious
I will eat you yes

soda can,
diet oragne crush only 25 calories?
tastes like crap

Oh you wooden door
Why are you so goddamn brown?
Are you a wizard?

My Gin and Coke,
I drink your butt’s merriment.
I love viagra

one hundred percent
vitamin C for the day
I still can't get laid

Oh Girl Scout cookies
You taste like heaven to me
Thin mints are the shit

Book shelf that I built
Why do you lean to the side?
Cause you made me stoned

Small can of play doh,
sitting there, oh so orange-y,
I squeeze your insides

I should see my coke
But there's only an empty glass
brb - kitchen

I am glorious,
the sexy Jewish Manbeast.
Socks on, but no pants.

The darkness near me.
Can't see for shit in here, man.
Lightbulb remedy.

pop-tarts popsters here
why must you taste like asshole
Capitalism sucks

Staple remover
you are a fucking lion
you fuck up all shit.

Oh Printer, You do
a good job when I ask you to
print out some shit, dude.

It is late at night.
I've got to work tomorrow.
this is it. Goodbye!

This is new
Rick Perry makes outlandish
statements about life.










Why do I think of
my last girlfriend with this pic?
She had loose morals