The internet has become a giant human centipede.  The shit from 4chan goes to Tumblr and the shit from Tumblr goes to Facebook and the shit from Facebook is finally shat out by The Big Bang Theory. 

A recent study by scientists found that breast implants need a lifetime of care.  Men everywhere asked where they could sign up.

I think one of my 2012 resolutions should be that I start wearing my pants below my ass and constantly grab my crotch while screaming,“Fuck bitches, get money.”  If I do that then people will definitely respect me.

Experts agree that the best thing about parents is that they are someone you can blame for all your problems.

Did you know girls worry that their thighs touch?  This is like a huge thing among girls and I didn’t have clue that it was an issue. Usually when I look at a girl my, my first thought is, “Wow, a girl” and not “OH MY GOD HER THIGHS ARE TOUCHING!”

A recent study found that a man’s lowest attention levels are when he is listening to a woman talk and his highest attention levels are when he’s shaving his balls.

You John Williams is on hard times when he’s being contracted to do the music for Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Could you imagine how dramatic that show will become with it’s totally unscripted and unrehearsed dialogue if he did the soundtrack?

A woman in Iran had her sentence changed from stoning to hanging.  Some people have all the luck.

The world isn’t ending in 2012 and neither are the Mayan apocalypse jokes.

I would probably have sex on the first date if I could ever find a girl desperate enough to date me.

I became the life of the party when I started attending funerals.

Most of the music I listen to is so underground that it doesn’t even exist.

Have you ever noticed there’s not much of a difference between really good expensive and rotten cheap cheese?

How come we live in a world where lemonade is made with artificial ingredients and floor polish is made with real lemons?

A lot of people look for the person who makes their heart skip a beat but personally I’d be more concerned with the heart problems.

LeBron James got engaged this past week which means his fiancé has the most rings in the family.

I think I lost my holiday weight.  I was trying to pull out some belly button lint and I pulled and eventually found a t-shirt that I lost two weeks ago.

Does anyone actually have self-esteem or is it one of those mythical things like the Easter Bunny or Kim Kardashian’s talent?

I found the perfect shirt for me.  It said, “I’m not a hipster but I can make your hips stir.”  And by "hips stir" I mean run away screaming because I'm so creepy.

The Oregon Ducks have more costumes than Lady Gaga.

I possess the secret to attaining immortality but if I told you, I’d have to kill you.

A lot of people give The Rolling Stones crap because they are old men on tour playing rock and roll. It’s because their songs are timeless. Can you imagine Lady Gaga singing “Poker Face” when she’s 70?

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I wear a size 17 4E shoe. You know what they say about men with big feet?  It takes a Chinese child an extra 5 minutes to make my shoes.

I was hanging out with my girlfriend and listening to Pink Floyd the other day.  She says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to have sex while Floyd was playing in the background.”  I replied, “I love you.”  She said, “Quiet, I really like this solo.”  I said, “I really love you.”  She said, “Can’t you ever shut up?  That’s it we’re over.”  I then said, “Baby, please don’t, I think gullible girls are the sexiest.”  She said, “Oh my god, really?  I love you.”  I have an active imagination because most girls treat me like God; they only talk to me when they want something.

Last night I dreamt that I would sit around in my underwear all day.  It came true.  I must be psychic.

If you ever say, “Listen to your heart” to me, you better listen closely to my heart because it may just be saying, “I’m about to punch and kick you in the crotch.”

You call it “viewing porn on the internet”.  I call it “trying to find out how my girlfriend makes all her money”.

On New Year’s Day I almost vomited from the smell of my own breath.  Don’t worry, ladies, I’m still single.

Today, I put on a Forever Lazy and then I put on a Snuggie on top of it.  I just guaranteed that Iwill never have sex ever again but then my New Year’s resolution was to be celibate despite women not caring.

When I was a teenager there was a common belief that thinking about baseball during sex made sex last longer.  I wonder if baseball players think about sex to make the games last longer.

My dad informed me that he didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas.  He said he wanted a time machine so he could go back in time to tell himself to buy condoms.

I think it’s sort of unfair that women have make-up and push-up bras to make themselves appear better but all men have is credit cards.

Contrary to popular belief, laughter isn’t the best medicine.  It’s oral sex.

I like Tumblr because it is attention span friendly.  Hey, guys, I can see my nose if I stare at my monitor close enough.

I often wake up and wonder why this creepy, homeless-looking guy is staring at me every morning and then I realize I’m staring at my mirror.

One thing that makes me love my girlfriend so much is that she doesn’t exist.  See…overactive imagination.

Most people are pretty cool until they realize my opinions are different from their opinions.

Ladies, you don’t have to look like (insert name of current“hot” flavor of the week) to satisfy a man. All you need to know is how to make delicious banana bread and I will hold your purse wherever you want to go. (Hint…the godfather is hungry for some banana bread)

People have said the majority of my posts are not safe for work.  Where the hell do you work?  The Vatican?

When I lose friends on Xanga, I just assume that I didn’t adequately entertain complete strangers for free and then I go out and punch some endangered species.

I don’t like referring to people online as followers because that implies you’re all a bunch of lemmings. What should I call you? Crew?  Borgata?  Friends? Comedy aficionados?

I never blame my problems on other people except when my posts don’t get recommends.