Hi.  Time for the round up.

Last week I made mention of how Zooey Deschanel had filed for divorce from husband Ben Gibard.  TMZ posted her income and expense declaration.  Zooey claims to make $95,000 a month and her expenses average $22,500 a month.  What does she spend her money on?  Well Zooey claims she spends $1,000 on groceries and household supplies and $500 for eating out.  Really?  If you spend that much per month on groceries and then have to eat at restaurants, what the hell are you buying at the grocery store?  The world's rarest truffles?  Gold wrapped bacon?  Diamond encrusted swordfish?  Caviar kool-aid?  She also spends $1,500 on utilities and cleaning, $300 for phones, and $2,000 for clothing.  She better cut back because her show New Girl really sucks and I can't envision FOX paying her for that crap much longer.

Victoria Silverstedt was spotted by paparazzi frolicking on the beach this week in St. Barts.  She is on vacation and for those of you keeping score at home, Victoria has been on vacation for the past 12 years.  I'm trying to figure out why she's running from those waves.  Oh yeah!  The waves don't have any money.

Verne Troyer, best known as Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies, turned 43 on the 1st.  That lucky bastard.  Here I thought being only 3ft tall had it's drawbacks but it's quite apparent he's a better man than me.  He's been kissed by at least 2 more woman than I have this year.

Vanessa Hudgens was spotted with her new boyfriend in Miami this week.  It looks like they are working on their New Year's resolution to get knocked up in 2012 to boost Vanessa's career because if we've learned anything from celebrity history it's that having a baby makes you a hot commodity.  Another reason why I posted this photo...my site needed more demin short shorts.  That's a hint ladies.  The little things in life appeal to men and by "little things" I mean short shorts of any fabric.

This is Sofia Vergara.  She ran out to do some errands before she did make-up for filming on her TV show.  She isn't wearing make-up.  Let me make this clear, she's not wearing make-up.  I for one think she looks better without the make-up.  Ladies, little to no make-up...make it happen.

Because Snooki is losing weight, her breasts have gotten smaller so Snooki has decided to do the only logical thing, she's planning on getting breast implants.  You know, I feel that I should guide her in her quest to find a reputable surgeon to perform her surgery.  I know of two highly regarded doctors.  One is located in Darfur and the other has offices in Afghanistan.  They both have low prices so you couldn't go wrong.

Last week I wrote about how Sinead O'Connor was divorcing her husband after like a week of marriage.  I guess a marriage would fizzle out if the bride dragged her groom around Las Vegas looking for a crackhouse and he happens to be a drug counselor.  Well this week her husband came to his senses and figured he couldn't find another wife who was so down for the difficult brown.  They reunited and Sinead tweeted about it...beware: "Spent beautiful evening of love making with nine other than husband! Who turned up angelically we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend guess whohad a mad love making affair with her own husband last night? Yay!!! we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend again an stay married but we did rush so we gonna return to b friend g friend an be sickenly happy an go counsellin an move in in like a yr like regular people.. but stay married an we all in love an fuck every other motherufcker who dont like it.. so me all happy!! me love me hubby.. he love me... fuck who no like it.. God is good! so sinead got laid!!! an all well. yay!!! me husband is a big hairy cave man an came to claim me with his club : ) and now im in cave-land.. yay!! we both go panto!"  She probably scored some coke and had some difficult brown and all was right in the world...awww...true love.

A new biography about former president Richard Nixon is set to be released.  The book is titled Nixon's Darkest Secrets: The Inside Story of America's Most Troubled President and is written by former White House correspondent Don Fulsum.  The book claims that Tricky Dick was in fact tricky and liked the dick.  Yes, the book claims that Nixon was gay and carried on a relationship with a Florida banker with mob ties named Charles "Bebe" Rebozo.  The book also mentions that Nixon was a homophobe in public to throw people off his scent, beat his wife, and his staff called him "our drunk".  Hmmm a politician who belittles gays in public and then enjoys the gay side of life in his closet at home?  Why in America that's unheard of!  The photo above is Nixon with Rebozo.  I feel like this is just a lie telling fest but then Dick and Pat Nixon were huge drunks so who knows.  I just figure that if this was true I'm sure people would've spilled their guts by now.  It also seems low to write a book about a guy beating his wife when the guy and the wife are both dead and they can't defend themselves.

Nick Cannon, husband of Mariah Carey and singer, was hospitalized for a mild case of kidney failure.  I never knew kidneys could mildly die.  I just assumed kidneys died a fast death sort of like Cannon's music career.  Nick was hospitalized while he and Mariah Carey were on vacation in Aspen.  Mariah took to twitter to let everyone know about Nick's condition.  I hope he has a fast recovery.  I know what kidney failure is like, not firsthand, but through my dad.  His kidneys are virtually dead.  He does dialysis 3 times a week and I honestly don't think he urinates any more.  OK TMI but I have that to look forward to...I don't want to get old.

I haven't written about Mischa Barton for some time so here's Mischa Barton.  She looks pretty good except for those Olive Oyl shorts but then I'm not a fashion expert.  I have a baseball hat with a built-in pony tail in the back.  I call it my "Pussy Gettin' Hat".  I had to get a new one for Christmas because my old one was worn out from me tossing it aside every night as I came home alone.

Minka Kelly is supposedly back with New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.  Gosh...I hate the Yankees.  Derek has a habit of leaving Minka and then returning a month or two later.  Hmmm that sort of sounds like his herpes outbreaks.

New York Yankees thirdbaseman Alex Rodriguez is dating former WWE wrestler Torrie Wilson.  Besides Jackass, pro-wrestling is the most homoerotic thing on television and homoeroticism appeals to A-Rod.  I mean he let guys inject things into his butt so he could swing a piece of wood better.  Yeah, A-Rod's never going to live down those rumors as long as he's with the Yankees.  I hate the Yankees.

Hey, Miley Cyrus is now a smoker.  I can't blame her.  It's not like anyone has talked about how dangerous smoking cigarettes are in the past decade.  Wait, is this the 1940s?  I get confused all the time.  It does look like Miley's New Year's resolution to not get lung cancer is off to a bad start.

Marilyn Manson turned 43 this week.  The weird thing is when I found this photo and saved it as Marilyn Manson I accidentally typed "Monroe" because you know they look and act so much alike.  I'm probably going to have nightmares now.  Thanks, godfather.  Oh this isn't godfather writing.  It's one of the females he's hired to keep you entertained.

Lisa Lampanelli is quite pissed at NBC because of shitty New York Knicks shitty tickets.  Lisa was promoting the show Celebrity Apprentice and part of a thank you for promoting the show was going to Madison Square Garden with two co-stars, Dayana Mendoza and Teresa Giudice (who?).  When they arrived and received their tickets, Dayana and Teresa were seated in the front row and Lisa was seated in the very last row.  What set off Lisa the most was that the seat next to Dayana and Teresa was empty.  Lisa had this to spew: "I said, REALLY?? Well, guess what NBC ... you owe me a big fucking apology.  You think anyone is watching that 'Celebrity Apprentice' for anybody except me and a couple other people who really keep the ball rolling?  I'll expect my gift basket with your apology and some GOOD Knicks tickets tomorrow .. 'cause I killed myself for you for 18 hours today."  I couldn't tell what annoyed me most about this story.  Was it the fact that she exploded over a simple clerical error that separated them and that the empty seat was reserved and bought by someone else who happened to not show up or was it the overwhelming sense of entitlement it takes to complain about a freebie?  I think the dumbest part of this story isn't that Lisa Lampanelli thinks she deserves courtside tickets or that she thinks people watch Celebrity Apprentice because she's on it but the dumbest part is that she thinks ANYONE watches Celebrity Apprentice at all.

Leann Rimes is on vacation and showing off that killer bikini body.  It's a killer bikini body because she's basically killing herself with starvation.  I also think you should go over to Youtube and listen to "Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin, you know the song in the abused animal commercials that whenever you see them they ruin your day, as you you look at that photo because she looks like one of those neglected animals.  I think this may be the only time I'll ever say this but that is some disgusting cleavage but then I suppose it could be ribbed for my pleasure.

Lady Gaga is disgusting.  Lady Gaga is a freak.  I wonder how her publicists are going to spin this story because I've never heard of a good way to explain about housekeeping finding a tub full of blood in your hotel suite. Trust me, I've killed enough hippies, hookers, and drifters to know.  A housekeeper found a bathtub full of blood in Gaga's suite and of course the housekeeper said it was part of a Satanic ritual.  Other staff members said they didn't think it was part of a ritual but figured it was for her bathing or a possible new costume for her stage show.  Allow me to untangle the web of bullshit the media is weaving about darling Lady Gaga.  It wasn't a Satanic ritual and it wasn't the return of the meat suit.  Yes it was blood but it wasn't Satanic because we all know Lady Gaga is a good Catholic girl.  See, here's the truth, it was menstrual blood.  Lady Gaga suffers from what TV commercials call "heavy flow".  In fact her nickname in high school was "The Shining" because of the elevator scene in the movie and not just because of all the blood that came flowing out of the elevator but because of the twin girls who begged the boy to come play with them.  See when Lady Gaga had her period the little girls would implore people to play with them.  I don't know how true that is but nobody has proved it isn't true.

Since I hit puberty 20 years ago, I've had a lot of knuckle children but I don't think I've had any with Kyra Sedgwick.  Should I send her an apology letter with some flowers?

Kirstie Alley went on the Ellen show and talked about how she is going to change her dating focus: "I'm thinking ugly men might be the solution.  I'm talking about butt ugly. Because I go for really handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative."  Right here, Kirstie.  OVER HERE!  ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

A report came out this week that the reason Russell Brand filed for divorce from Katy Perry was because she was Christian and didn't want to file the papers even though she wanted to get divorced.  She was afraid that by her filing it would anger her parents.  CHRISTIAN LOOPHOLES!  YEAH!  I wonder why her Christian values didn't play a part in her marrying him.  Sorry, maybe it's because I haven't had enough coffee yet, so I'm having a hard time catching up. But just to be clear in what they're saying here, God is cool with you abandoning your career as a Christian singer to sell your soul for fame and fortune by jacking up your tits and singing about being a lesbian and writing songs with thinly-veiled lyrics about giving blowjobs to boost California's tourism industry, but he'll strike you dead if you even think about divorcing a sex addict who's done enough heroin to kill a dragon? Wow. Look, if you want to say you're a Christian, then be a Christian, but when you make it into a buffet lifestyle where you get to pick and choose which side dish of rules goes best with your hypocrisy and sanctimony to serve your own selfish needs, then you're not fooling anybody, sweetie. Nice tits, though.  People from Katy's camp are saying that the reason Russell divorced her is because she liked partying and Russell is a recovering addict.  Yeah that is another good reason to divorce.  Other people are saying that it's because of Russell's strange porn habits.  Russell was into odd porn and even kinky Katy couldn't satisfy him because things he wanted to do were jsut too odd for her.  Friends were saying that Russell was into wheelchair porn and that he wanted to be the guy in the wheelchair while Katy took care of him.  Look when you've had sex as much as a sex addicted Russell Brand it gets old quick.  Yeah I am so alone and why can't gays marry.  This shit sickens me.  Katy has taken to the recording studio and because she sounds like a 7th grader with a Casio she's going to record a new album and supposedly it will be about Russell.  You know, I like this singer Adele.  You know that she's been through the ringer when she sings but with Katy it seems so forced and faked sort of like her entire relationship with Russell.

Hey look!  Justin Bieber got a new tattoo on his little chicken legs.  Apparently the tattoo is of Jesus and he is looking upwards.  I wonder what Jesus could be looking at...probably Justin and he's saying, "Girl, please."

Yep, that's what Justin Bieber's Jesus tattoo is saying after all.

This week Jeremy Renner and a group of his friends were partying in Thailand.  They entered a bar in Phucket and were having a good time until some guys came in and stabbed one of Jeremy's friends in the stomach and slashed another friend in the neck with an axe.  Jeremy received bruises and cuts but nothing serious.  The weird thing about this is that the guys who attacked Renner and his friends worked at the bar where they were partying.  Wow...The Hangover 2 led me to believe that Thailand was a great place to let your hair down and have a wild time and the only thing you had to worry about was getting your wallet stolen by pickpockets or picking up a prostitute that has equipment you weren't expecting.  I may just stay away now.

Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods' ex-wife, recently bought a $12million mansion in Florida.  She bought the house after she reached her divorce settlement with Tiger which came to about $100million.  The mansion was not quite to her standards.  It was only 9000 square feet and only had 6 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms.  So this week Elin did what anyone who was upset with their house would do, she had it leveled.  She has hired a high tech engineer to design a new mansion and every worker has signed a confidentiality contract.  Currently Elin is living in a neighboring mansion while her new house is constructed.  You know this is what happens when a woman is raised to think that her vagina is a precious gift only to be offered to a prince.  She has two kids and a 6 bedroom and 8 bathroom house wasn't good enough for her.  No wonder Tiger ran around sticking his dick in anything with a pulse.  It's probably not true.  It's just a theory I've been tossing around the laboratory.

David Beckham took time out of his busy soccering schedule to pose for an underwear advertisement.  Just an FYI, I fill out my boxer briefs better with my beer belly hanging over the waist band and on leg riding up and the Cheeto dust because I was eating Cheetos and didn't want to get off the couch to wash my hands so I just brushed them off on my leg of my boxer briefs and my clackers falling out.  Yeah, they should really paint my image.

Courtney Stodden is trying too hard.  She posted this on Twitter and tried to start a new internet sensation.  The Floor Flash?  What the crap is wrong with the world?  People do the strangest stuff.  Planking?  Stupid.  Tebowing?  Dumb.  Not being my girlfriend?  Your own personal hell.  But floor flashing...I usually call that "waking up Saturday morning" but whatever, this stupid shit will catch on.

This might just be the best story of the year so far.  It turns out that Clint Eastwood has a heart of gold.  People are saying that Clint has made a new friend near his office at Warner Brothers Studios and that friend is a squirrel named Lola.  He spotted the squirrel outside his office one day and he opened the door and the squirrel started coming in so Clint put a bag of unshelled peanuts on a shelf and Lola the squirrel started eating his treats.  Let's all say a collective "awww"...in 3...2...1...AWWWW...now let's be happy that Lola the squirrel found Clint Eastwood's office and didn't wander into Richard Gere's office.  Sweet, it's 2012 and I've already made mention of the Richard Gere and gerbil rumor.

Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend.