Friday the 13th...meh.  I'm still alive and I'm here to entertain you free of charge.

Remember last week when I wrote about how Elin Nordegren bought a $12million mansion and then bulldozed it because it didn't meet her standard?  Well I have an update.  There may be legitimate reasons why she demolished the house.  First she had tried renovating but it wasn't working because the house was built in 1932 and the repairs kept mounting.  Also numerous sources say the house was riddled with termites and because it was built in 1932, the house wasn't built to withstand hurricanes which are a concern for south Florida.  It makes the decision seem understandable but to me it's still wasteful.  TMZ obtained the zoning plans Elin submitted to the county and the house will contain 9 bedrooms, 2 living rooms, a huge formal dining room, 2 pools, a large kitchen, a grotto, a pool cabana with it's own living room, 2 jacuzzis, a detached guesthouse with 3 bedrooms, 3 guest bungalows, a wine cellar, a large master wing with a walk in closet that may be the size of some of your dwelling places, and a basement that runs the entire length of the house.  Also they have built 120 feet of retaining wall had to bring in over 4000 cubic yards of soil.  She got a ton of money and now she's spending it like a Kardashian.  How am I supposed to feel bad for her now?  When we talk about this consumption it just is ridiculous.  But I guess she does have a heart.  She donated a lot of the termite infested materials from the demolished house to Habitat for Humanity.  The total amount of goods they salvaged is estimated at $300,000.  I don't know how to feel any more.

Tom Cruise was recently staying in a hotel while out promoting his new Mission Impossible movie.  He took an early morning swim in the hotel's pool and a member of the hotel staff quickly grabbed a bottle and got some of the water and like a good capitalist he's now selling the water on eBay.  So how much is Tom Cruise pool water going for?  The bidding starts at $100.  HURRY!  How do we know that Tom Cruise was in the water and it simply wasn't taken out of the pool after some regular guy was swimming?  Well you'll probably find the DNA of Tom Cruise, John Travolta, David Beckham, and Will Smith in the water.

Sofia Vergara is not only a beautiful woman but she's also a hero.  She was leaving a club in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve and she spotted a woman collapse in front of her.  She started screaming for her sister to come and help.  Sofia's sister is a doctor and she examined the woman and determined she just had too much to drink.  They waited with the woman until paramedics arrived.  Gorgeous...talented...selfless...Sofia Vergara is a giver of life and safety and not just erections.  What other celebrity would do that?  Mel Gibson wouldn't if you were Jewish.  Sofia deserves to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and I would love to pin it on her chest.

Snoop Dogg was in Mexico this week and when his tour bus tried entering the U.S. it was pulled over for a random inspection.  Border patrol found a half ounce of marijuana on board.  Snoop was fined $537.  I'm shocked.  I'm shocked that he only had a half ounce on the bus.  Hell, his spit contains more than a half ounce of weed at any given moment.

2012 really hasn't been the best of years for Sinead O'Connor.  She recently told a newspaper, The Sun, that she tried to kill herself by ingesting a bunch of pills.  She went on Twitter and asked her followers if they knew any good counselors.  Why didn't she ask her on again off again husband?  Well she had her stomach pumped and was off on her merry old way.  Why doesn't God take time to help her since she is property of Jesus?  Why is God spending all his time on Tim Tebow?  And in case you're wondering if a 8 day marriage to a drug counselor can survive a honeymoon at a crackhouse, an overdose, and alleged hate from Irish journalists, well it can't.  Sinead wrote on her blog that her marriage is over for good this time.  She blamed the Irish press for her split and said that she could no longer put her husband through their evil behavior.  Who knew the Irish media was so ruthless?  Can they please come and work over the Kardashians?

The King of Confetti Rip Taylor turned 78 this week.  Rip is the man and I always wanted to see him do stand-up.  Well I think I'm going to celebrate his work by looking for episodes of The $1.98 Beauty Show, watching Jackass, and listening to the Blood Hound Gang.

Rumor has it that Paula Deen is set to announce she has Type II Diabetes.  Hmmm have you ever watched her cooking show?  There's no doubt she'd have diabetes.  I'm shocked she hasn't dropped dead from a heart attack.  I don't think this is a coincidence that Paula Deen is set to announce she has diabetes and Hostess declared bankruptcy.  Being the capitalist she is, Paula is working to be the spokesperson for a drug for diabetes.  There is also talk that her show will now be all about tasty diabetic cooking.  So gone are the days when Paula made chocolate noodles covered in deep fried cheesecake bites smothered in butter.  The only worse news Food Network could receive is if Sandra Lee decided to go to AA or Guy Fieri decided not to be a douche for 5 seconds.

Olivia Munn is still campaigning for PETA.  I wish I was one of those Native Americans who could shapeshift so I could turn myself into that rabbit and she would take me home and then I was change myself into my present form and then we could be naked together.  The likelihood of that happening is greater now that Olivia is single.  She broke up with her boyfriend Brad Richards who plays in the NHL for the New York Rangers.  To be honest, I knew this wouldn't last.  Olivia is a star around these parts and Brad Richards is some sort of hockey player.  She should totally date me because I blog on Xanga and we all know Xangans make more money than NHL players.

Nicolas Cage turned 48 this week.  I have no clue how he celebrated but I'm pretty sure it involved comic books and dinosaur skulls.

The cold, lifeless corpse of Mickey Rourke rose from it's grave and wandered around Hollywood looking for brains.  He escaped before anyone could shoot him through the head.  I find it funny that he went to Hollywood looking for brains since Hollywood hasn't had an original idea for years.

Here's one that will make a lot of people scratch their heads.  Singer Lisa Loeb announced this week that she is pregnant with her second child.  I really didn't want to post this because Lisa Loeb really doesn't do much these days but now you will think of Reality Bites and have her song Stay stuck in your head.  MUHAHAHAHA!  I'm an evil genius.

For the last few years Lindsay Lohan has been channeling Marilyn Monroe by dressing up like her for photo shoots and doing lots of drugs.  I mean her recent Playboy spread was just like Marilyn's.  Well it seems that Lindsay has gotten sick of pretending she's Marilyn Monroe.  She's moving on and now that Elizabeth Taylor is dead, Lindsay is going to try to be her.  Lindsay is being courted to potentially play Elizabeth Taylor in a movie about Taylor's relationship with Richard Burton.  When approached with the movie a few years ago, Elizabeth took to Twitter and said, "No one is going to play Elizabeth Taylor, but Elizabeth Taylor herself."  Well it looks like Lindsay may have to channel another dead celebrity.  See the thing is, Lindsay's rumored to be in so many movies and I think the producers do that just to get buzz about their movies.  She was rumored to have a big part in the new Spiderman movie.  Didn't happen.  She was rumored to be in a movie about Linda Lovelace.  Didn't happen but that could've been because of her legal problems.  I think they may as well dig up Taylor's corpse because that would look better on screen than Lindsay.  I think that hiring Lindsay Lohan to be in a movie is one of the biggest mistakes a filmmaker could make.  The only thing they could do that's dumber would be to go to Tehran and walk down the street waving an American flag.  Oh and here's a funfact, godchildren.  Lindsay turned down the role of the stripper Jade in the movie The Hangover because she didn't think the movie had any potential.  Lindsay also had the joy of having the IRS put a lien on her house because she owes $93,000 in taxes and hasn't bothered to pay any since 2009.  I don't know which is harder to believe, that Lindsay blew off the IRS like some sort of bill collector or that she made enough money in 2009 to owe $93,000 in taxes.  Who knew being a professional fuck-up paid so much?  Is anyone hiring?  I'd love to sit at home all day, eat pussy, and do mountains of coke all day.  I'm ambitious that way.

Over the past year I've given LeAnn Rimes a lot of crap on this site but here she looks like she's fun to have around.  Now if she had hotwings, a big screen TV, NFL Pass, Cuban cigars, and a wanton lust for me, I might fully change my mind about her. 

OK I know I promised not to write about she who must not be named but this was too easy.  THE DOG HAS MORE TALENT!

Katy Perry's parents are capitalizing on her divorce and using it to benefit their ministry.  Her mother had this to say at a worship service this week: "I'm sure that Katy's trending on the Internet was to get you here to church tonight.  I mean all over the world, who knows how God is bringing them in? The most important thing is you are here and God wants to put the fire in you in 2012."  No, God didn't strike down that marriage because he wanted people to come to your church; He struck it down because Russell Brand didn't appreciate God's handiwork on Katy's chest.  Her dad said this charming gem: "What has taken place in my daughter's life has opened many opportunities to go in and be with guarded and gated people. God has given us a platform to go in and meet people — and they like us because we are cool. We are not threatening. I love my daughter and I will always love her. Stop being judgmental and critical. Do not close the doors to your loved ones, especially your children. Just because they do not like what you do or what you are, they are still praying that you stay in the race. They are counting on you. I believe in God, for every one of my children."  I won't go into the contradictions there nor will I talk about how they use images of their daughter with simulated whipped cream covering her tits to get people to come to church.  I also won't talk about how they use "parents of Katy Perry" in their youtube videos of their church services.  Her dad also said this: "You know how to make the Jew jealous? Have some money, honey.  You go to LA and they own all the Rolex and diamond places. Walk down a part of LA where we live and it is so rich it smells. You ever smell rich? They are all Jews, hallelujah. Amen."  Jews have money...HAHAHAHA...that's good old-fashioned comedy.  Of course the antisemitics here on Xanga are nodding in agreement.  The only way this story could get better is if Katy started dating Mel Gibson.  Of course an apology was issued, not by Keith but by another pastor at their church.  The pastor said that Katy's father wasn't intending to make fun of Jewish people but that he was complimenting them.  Of course he was complimenting Jews by talking about their lust for money, diamonds, and designer watches.  It's like when I write about how some of my friends enjoy fried chicken and food stamps or another group that likes math and not being able to drive and another group that likes to huff paint and do nothing with their lives but collecting casino revenue checks.  Also Katy and her parents are working on getting her set up with Super Christian Tim Tebow.  Katy's mom has said that the best way to cure heartache is to fall in love again quickly and she mentions that Katy loves watching Tebow play.  Oh I'm going to go to church on Sunday to pray for a Packers victory and for a bigger dick and a wife because I'm sure God doesn't have better things to do.  I mean he answers Tebow's prayers for victory and he answered Katy's prayers by giving her bigger breasts. 

I think a lot of people will come away from reading this week's post as that I am anti-Christian.  Well I don't know how I could be that when I am Christian.  I just don't like how people are using a belief system to get rich and gain fame.  And now Justin Bieber said this about his beliefs in an interview with V Magazine: "I don’t think I’m religious. I am spiritual. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I believe that he put me in this position, and that I have to always give him the glory he deserves for putting me here. But I don’t consider myself religious. A lot of people who are religious, I feel like they get lost. They go to church just to go to church. I am not trying to disrespect them at all, you know, whatever works for you; but for me, I focus more on praying and talking to Him. I don’t have to go to church. I haven’t been to church in a long time, but I know I have a relationship with Him. People can be like, “If you don’t go to church, what do you mean, how are you a Christian?” But I am. I talk to Him, and that’s all."  Please keep in mind that this interview was conducted just days after he got the tattoo of Jesus on his calf.  So just like the people he's criticizing, the one's who put a Jesus fish magnet on their car and flip you off in traffic, he'd rather make a sanctimonious display rather than live by anything the guy on his leg tattoo talked about.  But then I'm going to cut him a break because I know everything he says is geared toward keeping a squeaky clean image so the little girls buy his albums.  Justin also said in the interview that he plans on keeping his lyrics clean and not singing about drugs or sex just like Michael Jackson.  Yeah, because all of Michael Jackson's songs were immaculately squeaky clean.  I think I will now revoke my break.

Jessica Simpson is still pregnant and she's supposedly only 7 months along.  HOLY COW!  She's actually looking radiant.  Yes, I'm a deviant.  You wonder how she got that big during her pregnancy.  Three words: buttered Pop Tarts.  Jessica was talking about food in an interview this week and said that she has been eating a lot of macaroni and cheese and that she has started eating buttered Pop Tarts like how she did when she was younger.  I wonder if she thinks that because the father of her child played in the NFL that she'll give birth to a 100lb baby. 

Howard Stern turned 58 this week.  This is an old photo, back when he was good.  I listened to a recent show and all he talked about was how he didn't want to work any more.  Man I wish I could've heard him in the old days when he actually gave a shit.

I know some of you are curious about my obsession with breasts.  It all started with Dolly Parton.  When I was a kid, she was a huge star.  It seemed like she was everywhere...TV, movies, music...she was everywhere.  Dolly Parton was HUGE and by "HUGE" I mean she was popular and she had large gazongas.  Now she's back in a movie.  Welcome back to the big screen, girls.

Disney better lock up it's teenage girl stars because this week Demi Lovato broke up with her boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama.  He must hang around the Disney studios or the rehab facilities where Disney sends it's stars because how else could a 19 year old end up with a 31 year old creep.  Demi took to Twitter: "A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man."  So in other words, Fez dumped her. 

Because a lot of you were wondering about the absence of Coco.  Here she is modeling a pole.  Where is that pole attached?  It must be HEAVEN!  Pole dancing is heavenly so yeah! 

I know girls here hate me because of my lusting for Coco so I offer you this photo of Channing Tatum and some other dudes.  This is a still shot from an upcoming movie called Magic Mike.  It is about male strippers.  So it looks like women are finally equal and now there will be a crappy movie about male strippers to balance Showgirls.

A friend of mine and I were talking this week about how Two and a Half Men must be cursed as far as the lead role is concerned.  Charlie Sheen needs no mention but now Ashton Kutcher is spiraling like Sheen.  He split up with his wife just like Sheen split with his.  Kutcher has been rumored to have went on a booze and cooze fest over the Christmas break from taping just like what Sheen did before he got fired from the show.  Rumor has it that Ashton slept with dozens of girls while on vacation but of course Charlie limited himself to three or four porn stars.  Now I find this photo of Ashton Kutcher this week all cleaned up with a new haircut.  Who does he look like?  Young Charlie Sheen?  Creepy.

Here's a reason why I love Twitter.  Annalynne McCord tweeted this photo of herself earlier this week.  Now if you look closely at the bottom right corner you will see a nipple.  Annalynne pulled an Elaine from Seinfeld.   After noticing the appendage, Annalynne took the photo down and posted one that had been cropped.  Annalynne we know your secret.  YOU HAVE AT LEAST ONE NIPPLE! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

This week has been quite the week for rock gods birthdays.  David Bowie turned 65.  I was sort of thinking that Jimmy Fallon gave him the best birthday present with his song Tebowie.

Guitar god Jimmy Page turned 68 this week.  Long live rock!  Wait, that's a Who song...hmmm...Travelin' Riverside Blues...that doesn't work but it's one of my favorite Zeppelin songs.  Listen to it and tell me he's not a great guitarist.

Rod Stewart turned 67 this week.  This is for that one Xangan that I haven't seen here for some time who just loves Rod Stewart.  I often find myself singing his song "Do You Think I'm Sexy". 

Now the biggest rock god of them all, William Hung turned 29 this week.  OK so maybe he's not the biggest rock god of those mentioned here but he's the biggest thing to come out of American Idol.  How can Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood or Clay Aiken or Ruben Studdard compare to this?

Beyonce "gave birth" to a baby girl this week.  They gave the child a seemingly weird name.  Blue Ivy Carter.  They named her Blue because of Jay-Z's album series called the Blueprint and how he's released 3 and how the child would be his 4th project.  Also Jay-Z and Beyonce were married on a 4th and they were both born on the 4th so the name Ivy is short for IV which is the Roman numeral for 4.  It's nice to see parents putting thought into their child's name instead of making up guttural sounds to pass for a name.  Another theory started on Twitter *insert eyerolls*.  A person made the claim that Ivy stands for Illuminati's Very Youngest because Jay-Z often refers to himself as Illuminati and also if you look at Blue Ivy backwards its Eulb Yvi which is the supposed name of Lucifer's daughter in Latin.  Gee whiz, I've read my Bible and I don't seem to remember that part.  The birth was interesting because Jay-Z's bodyguards kept everyone away from the area where Beyonce was supposedly in labor.  A man whose wife gave birth to twins via c-section was not allowed to enter the wing.  That may have been because Jay-Z and Beyonce "donated" $1million to the hospital so they could have privacy.  I can't even begin to understand this guy's frustration, but when you take everything into consideration, the security measures were probably for the best for everyone. If rogue paparazzi or reporters weaseled their ways into the hospital there would've been a lot more stress on the other hospital patients. Especially the surrogate.  Of course Jay-Z had to go to the recording studio and record a "song" about his new child.  It's called Glory and in the song he confesses that Beyonce had a miscarriage before.  Yeah he put his baby's cries in the track.  I bet she'll win a Grammy.  I keep mentioning an alleged birth.  It just seems fishy to me because Beyonce keeps mentioning how that the kid was born naturally.  It seems like everything she mentions she includes that Blue Ivy was born naturally.  I know parents are proud of their kids and all but it's not like Blue Ivy was found by Pharaoh's daughter floating amongst the reeds.  Two people had sex and happened to have a kid.  Let's not overthink this.  Jay-Z already has a 9 year old son that he's thrown millions at to keep quiet.  People are already talking about how this new child has been born with the golden spoon in her mouth.  Supposedly Jay-Z and Beyonce spent $15,000 for a high chair, $22,000 for a carriage crib, $600,000 for a golden handmade rocking horse, $30,000 for a windmill playhouse, and $35,000 for a lucite crib.  And Jay-Z makes t-shirts supporting the 99% Occupy Wall Street movement.  That's some straight up 1% shit right there.  This kid has only been in the world for a few days and it has a better life than me.  Fuck that.

A magazine posted a photoshoot of Britney Spears this week.  The only thing was that Britney wasn't at the shoot.  It seems like they just used a cardboard cutout to make it look like she was there.  Oh yeah, that totally looks like Britney...completely fake.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.