I’ve got 98.7563498 problems and rounding up to the nearest whole number is one.

A new study revealed that studies are a waste of money and do not benefit the world in the least bit.

I’m surprised we haven’t switched to the metric system because it makes penis sizes sound more impressive.

I love how people have Yahoo and Facebook connected.  I love knowing that they read articles about child molestation daily.

Remember that part in Planet of the Apes when Charleton Heston drops to his knees and damns them all to hell?  Well the Kwik Trip down the street from me no longer sells chicken alfredo pizza.

I just saw this kinky gay couple outside my house.  The white guy was dressed as a cop and he was choking his black boyfriend on the hood of their car. 

Sometimes picking which political candidate is right for you is like picking which STD is right for you.

We should make Shakira our president because she would never lie.  At least her hips wouldn’t lie.

About the only thing I’d for a Klondike bar is pay for it.

I actually enjoy Facebook now that they let you translate statuses in French, Spanish, Klingon, Latin or any other trendy language.  Too bad they don’t have one for high school aged ignorant person.

Scientists discovered last week that the rain is actually God crying after listening to Bon Iver.

I hope the iPad 3 clears up all the questions left with iPad1 and iPad 2.  I also hope it’s more absorbent than this roll of Bounty paper towels.

I want to open up a video game arcade and call it “The Jungle”.  This way I can hire Axl Rose to be the greeter since he has nothing better to do and he can greet every customer with “Welcome to the jungle, we got your fun and games.”

If I spent as much time getting a girlfriend as I do thinking about fried cheese curds, I’d have at least 10 wives by now.

I can’t believe no one is complaining about how homophobic Pepsi and Coke machines are.  I try to insert my dollar and it rejects it because it isn’t “straight”.

There is a bakery across the street from my therapist’s office.  I get to eat away all the feelings that weren’t addressed in our sessions.  God, I love elephant ears and donuts and bismarks and long johns and kolache and apple fritters.

“I think everything I say is funnier when I scream it.”  Valdectorian speech from the Dane Cook school of comedy.

It’s assuring to know that in an alternate universe I’m a slut.

I call all of my friends on Xanga “the minions of darkness”.  I think that classifies me a sa cult leader.  Tax exempt status here I come…again.

Why is it that we allow Peter Pan to build a child army but get all up in arms when a black man tries to do the same thing?

I felt like a superhero on Saturday because when I turned the clock forward I imagined myself wearing tights and a cape rescuing time from certain doom.  The bad thing was that I got so caught up in my daydream about rescuing a big boobed time that I set my clocks ahead one hour and let me tell you, the future sucks.  NASCAR is on every channel and President Palin has declared war on sideburns and men who have long hair.

I hear single girls push their biological clocks an hour forward on Daylight Savings Time.

I think Joseph Kony teamed up with Waldo ensuring that no one will be able to find him.  But is this guy so bad?  I got 600 invites for aKONY2012 event so I figure he throws a hell of a party. 

I sort of wish they had the internet and Facebook back in1933 because then everybody would’ve posted a few videos and changed their profile pics to an awareness photo and then there wouldn’t have been a Holocaust.

Do you think that the next Kidz Bop album will have a cover of Jay-z’s “Niggas in Paris”?

Did you know “Disney magic” is actually LSD?

The Beatles once sang “All You Need is Love”.  I really do want love but I think all I want is sex but all I have is porn.

Adele’s new boyfriend forgot to return a text last week and this week Adele has a new album.

Being on Tumblr for a few months, I have seen so many gifs and still shots from The Hunger Games that I actually think I’ve seen the entire movie already.

I’m thinking that one day a teenager is going to have his dick ripped off by a vacuum cleaner and from then on there will be very graphic and specific warnings on vacuum cleaners. 

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

45% of Alabama GOP members think President Obama is Muslim and can’t figure out what 45% means and how to convert it into a fraction.

When I was a teenager I timed how long it took my parents to walk upstairs to my room.  It was 10seconds.  I timed how long it took me to shut off the tv, pull up my pants, and hide the beer.  It was 8 seconds.  Those were thrilling days.

I will never be threatened by a vibrator because no vibrator will go to the store and by tampons or help look for lost car keys or serve you breakfast in bed when you are sick.

The reason why Peyton Manning won’t play for the Miami Dolphins is that he’s too pasty white for Miami.  His “tan” is perfect for Denver.

I see Taco Bell has started selling tacos wrapped in Doritos.  All my peyote dreams are coming true.

OK maybe this is sick but I sort of wonder if during the Hulk Hogan sex tape if he rips off his shirt and starts flexing.

People say I’m ignorant. I’m not, I’m American.  There is a difference, mostly in spelling.

Girls, if a guy has ever looked at you from across the room and stared in your eyes it means he wants to have sex.  Girls, if a guy looks at you, period, it means he wants to have sex.

A two week old baby in Brooklyn died from herpes.  Kids are having sex way too young these days and of course I blame hiphop music and MTV.

My cats got into my Ecstasy and have been listening to Skrillex and licking each other non-stop for the past 5 hours.

I think if I ever have kids I’ll yell at them about how hard my life was when I was a kid and instead of saying “When I was your age I had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow,” I’ll say, “When I was your age I had to play Gameboy in black and white and that was all there was.”

“Sooth.  Sooth.  Sooth. Sooth.  Sooth.  SOOTH!” -a soothsayer.

I was stranded in the desert with a group of ladies when our plane crashed.  I ended up being the only survivor because all we had for liquid was Dr. Pepper 10 and we all know women can’t handle the boldness of that softdrink.

I like to sign up for porn sites with my college email account.

I sink into my new bed like it’s a cloud.  It’s not one of those Tempur-pedic mattresses; it’s just an air mattress with a hole in it.

Since my cats are ordained ministers and conduct services in my house, I wonder if I have to pay property taxes…fingers crossed.

New Xanga motto: Xanga is an exploration of sanity,sexuality, and the soul, for those who have too much of one and not enough of the others.

I think some of you should take your real life as seriously as you take Xanga.

New Xanga drinking game: take a shot every time someone accuses another person of being a troll.

I wonder how many Xangans are able to function in the world because they seem like if they go outside they’d be offended by a blade of grass…but then I’m just begging to start Xanga drama because they probably don’t have grass in their lawns.

Xanga is the only addiction that makes you feel better when you don’t use it.

I just want to end this post by asking, will you go to prom with me?