I hope everyone is having a great evening.  I decided to get out tonight and went out to a little diner in a nearby town.  I went there last summer and hadn't been back.  It had really changed.  The name was the first change but I found out that the people running it owned it outright so they changed the name to what they wanted.  The coolest change was inside.  They painted the walls with chalkboard paint.  It was interesting to see all the people I knew who signed the wall and also all the visitors who signed.  How the hell is someone from Virginia going to venture to a town of 700 people in Wisconsin?  Oh and the food?  Friday night fish fry...all you can eat beer battered cod, hashbrowns, and then they also gave the option to have pork ribs, baked fish, or shrimp along with it.  All for the low price of $7.50.  I'm not much of a seafood person but tonight I think I put a dent in the ocean.  Anyway enough of my boring life...time for the round up.

So Lifetime decided they'd tarnish the memory of Elizabeth Taylor by casting Lindsay Lohan as Liz.  Now they are remaking Steel Magnolias.  Does that movie even need a remake?  I liked it the first time I saw it.  Well I was informed that because the cast will be all black, I can't question the decision to remake Steel Magnolias.  I guess that's racist on my part.  Phylicia Rashad will have the Olympia Dukakis role.  Alfre Woodard will have the Shirley MacLaine role.  Queen Latifah will have the Sally Field role.  Jill Scott will have the Dolly Parton role.  Condola Rashad will have the Julia Roberts role.  Adepero Oduye will have the Darryl Hannah role. Also from my Steel Magnolias memories Sally Field operated a beauty parlor and the last time Queen Latifah was in a beauty parlor in a movie she was in a movie titled Beauty Shop and it was a box office flop.  I am surprised Tyler Perry isn't bringing Madea into this movie. 

William Shatner turned 81.  Yes, 81.  The guy is amazing.  I think all that time in space really has kept him young.  Yeah...I went there.

Well, folks, here's the situation on The Situation.  It was discovered this week that Situation (I hate that name so from now on I'll refer to him as Douche) was "relaxing" in a rehab facility because he was suffering from exhaustion.  I guess exhaustion is the code word these days for pill or booze addict.  I mean people who wake up at 5AM every morning, walk the dog, wake up the brats, make lunches, wash yourself in the sink, drive the brats to school, drove yourself to work, work 5 hours, do your taxes at lunch, work another 4 hours, pick up the kids, walk the dog, make Hamburger Helper, do a load of laundry, help the kids with homework, put the kids to bed, drink half a bottle of scotch, masturbate, fall asleep on the toilet are entitled to using the word exhaustion not someone who gets paid to show up and drink at nightclubs.  Douche doesn't even do that.  He has no job.  What is causing him exhaustion?  Well Douche took to his own personal gossip site to set the record straight.  He voluntarily committed himself to a rehab facility because of an addiction to prescription pills that he claims he started taking because of exhaustion...THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN!  He also said he appreciated the support of his fans.  This guy has fans?  Wow, he really must be high on some nasty shit and if there are fans out there then they must be conflicted.

Sofia Vergara posed for Esquire and did what she does best...make me drool and no matter how many times I've drooled I still find her stunning but not as stunning as you, you hot sexy Xangan.  You really make my nights and days when I see you post and comment.  She did an interview with the photospread and said this: "There's nothing slutty about a dental-floss bikini. You don't even think about it. The first bathing suit your mother buys you is in the shape of a triangle.Nonstop impulsive spontaneity can be difficult for some American men.Just accept the Latin woman for how she is and enjoy her. Embrace the mystery."  Oh I'm good at embracing because that's all I do these days.

Snooki was spotted partying in Cancun one week after announcing she was pregnant.  Yeah that's pretty smart because I remember in biology class where we studied that fetuses love loud noises, bright lights, alcohol, being poked, and going to bed at 7AM.  Why, that's a recipe for success according to the Old Farmer's Almanac!

It looks like Sinead O'Connor is handling her divorce well, a divorce that happened because she took her therapist/drug addiction mentor husband on a late night cruise trying to score some cocaine.  Sinead was on a TV show in Dublin this week and that is what she wore.  I've always wanted to wear a Jesus hoodie but I'm a afraid if I wore one in America I'd get shot for looking like I was a menace and up to no good.  Also, those garbage bag pants are killer.  That being said, if any of you see me wearing garbage bags, I want you to lock me up.

Richard Gere was interviewed by Woman's Day magazine about his new financial thriller Arbitrage and they asked him about Pretty Woman.  Richard got somewhat upset and said this: "People ask me about that movie, but I’ve forgotten it. That was a silly romantic comedy. This is a much more serious movie that has some real cause and effect. It made those guys seem dashing, which was so wrong. Thankfully, today, we are all more skeptical of those guys."  Oh shut up, Pretty Woman had a lot of cause and effect for you.  You got a lot of money and that meant you were able to buy a lot of gerbils.  Seriously though, how many people took that movie seriously?  I never remember hearing a girl at that time who watched it say, "When I grow up I want to be a hooker in Hollywood and hopefully get picked up by a billionaire who takes me on a shopping spree all the while Roy Orbison music is playing and then he defends my honor by beating up George Costanza."  I think the only Richard Gere movie I've seen in the past 10 years that I've enjoyed is Hachi and what Richard Gere movie besides Hachi is not a silly romance movie?  Seriously, watch Hachi.

I think I talked about this a while back but for those who don't remember, Ray J and Whitney Houston had been dating for some time.  Well a rumor has surfaced this week that when Ray J and Whitney were intimate they videotaped all their intimate moments and Ray J has a treasure chest filled with tapes.  Whitney's family knew she was a sex freak and they tried to keep all of that hushed up but they have heard that Ray J knows he is sitting on a goldmine much like the goldmine with she of the big ass who must not be named.  If a movie ever gets released what would the name be?  The Bootyguard?  Waiting to Sexhale?  I Will Always Love You Long Time?  Saving All My Tongue for You?  I Wanna Screw with Somebody?  Well Ray J told TMZ that no tapes exist so this probably means that he and Whitney's family reached an agreement for an extreme amount of money.  And while we are talking about Whitney Houston, her official cause of death was released this week.  Doctors say she had a heart attack from years of drug abuse and she fell into a bathtub and drowned.  She had cocaine, marijuana, Xanax, a muscle relaxer, and benardyl in her system at the time of death.  I wonder if this changes the opinion of anyone who took part in a Whitney Houston tribute or anyone who posted about how much they loved Whitney Houston after she died despite not saying anything about how much they loved her in at least 5 years before her death.  It's sad when someone talented dies young but it's hard to find sympathy for a truly talented person that dies because they do stupid shit. 

Remember when Paris Hilton turned 31 in February?  Well here she is partying at a performance by her boyfriend DJ Afrojack.  Isn't it nice to see Paris display youthful exuberance despite all the controversy that has surrounded her life?  HAHAHAH...that was a trick question!  She's still a useless STD petri dish.

This is Miley Cyrus' car.  She parked in a handicapped parking spot as she went to do yoga.  She took a class where she meditated and she meditated on thinking she's an entitled cunt because she can't be bothered to walk the five extra feet when parking in a normal parking spot.  Maybe she developed some rare kind of disorder and was unable to walk to class.  We must pray for her and light candles.  But then I think those handicapped spots are also for the mentally handicapped so never mind.  Hopefully you didn't light those candles, you could probably take them back to the store.

Matthew Broderick turned 50 this week and I believe that was the last time Matthew Broderick ever looked tough and menacing.  If he wants to recapture that look he should buy a hoodie and move to Florida.

A porn star who has sex under the name Voodoo but whose given name is Alex Torres was on a Toronto talk radio show called The Jim Richards Show this week and he talked about the time Lindsay Lohan paid him to have sex with her while her father was sleeping upstairs.  Voodoo is probably best known as a porn star who is in trouble with the police for filming a sex scene while skydiving...just think about that while reading this transcript.
JR: Michael Lohan's coming on the show. What should I ask him?
Voodoo: Um.. Ask him if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs.
JR: Are you joking?
Voodoo: I'm not joking.
JR: You have had relations with Lindsay Lohan?
Voodoo: Um...many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come satisfy them.
JR: Are you joking?!
Voodoo: I'm not joking!
JR: So you've been with Lindsay Lohan?
Voodoo: I'm saying that.
I don't think Michael Lohan was sleeping but was probably operating a camera so that Lindsay has an audition tape for the eventual porn she'll star in.  Lindsay may be a cheap whore but she gets paid.  I don't know anything about this guy, but some company should hire him to be in their commercials. And when the commercial mentions slashing prices and that they are literally giving away the entire store for one day only, Voodoo can jump in and say, "I'm not joking!". Seriously, folks! He's not joking!

Justin Bieber did a bizarre photospread for Complex magazine this week.  That is just one of the photos.  You can see the rest here.  He was also interviewed and one question was about how people always think he looks feminine and he responded: "Every guy has feminine qualities.  You’re raised by your mother and father, and I was raised mostly by my mother."  Well I guess I have the feminine qualities of having manboobs.  One of his managers was also interviewed and he said, "He’s competitive with Michael Jackson.  When he looks at who he should chase and who’s setting the bar, we only talk about Michael Jackson. We talk about Michael probably every other day."  Well one guy I'd never want to compete with is Michael Jackson but that's me, a straight male talking.  I'm thinking that it was a horrible interview because they didn't ask him if he thought this photo was going to be an accurate depiction of what he'd look like in 20 years after the police find him on Sunset because he couldn't jack off but stole the Arab guy's $40 anyway.

You know this magazine cover makes some people uncomfortable?  In some Safeway stores in Arizona people have spotted cardboard covering the front of the magazine.  Safeway hasn't said why they are putting cardboard on front of the magazine racks to block the pregnant image of Jessica Simpson but I have a few theories.  1.  She's naked.  2.  She's naked and pregnant.  3.  Because Jessica is photoshopped, Safeway doesn't want their readers to have delusions of grandeur when it comes to their own bodies.  4.  Teenage boys congregate around the magazine rack and the moppers have been working overtime.  I think whatever the reason is it's stupid because the cardboard should be going over her mouth.  Too bad no one covered her mouth when she went on Jimmy Kimmel where she let us know about her amniotic fluid: "I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha.... Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!"  Does that mean if she farts there's waves on her belly?  So she's naming the baby Maxi Pad and has sex nonstop but this has gone too far.  She's telling us that she's going to erupt like Old Faithful and those around her need to be SCUBA certified for when her water breaks.  And what person over 18 calls their genitals hoo-has?  Freedom of speech freedom of speech...sigh.

Here's a current photo of Jessica.  She was spotted greeting people at her baby shower.  Holy hell!  She has to be a surrogate mother for a new Berenstein Bear.

Jeremy Sisto's wife gave birth to a baby boy this week.  Now, let's review.  Jeremy and his wife have a 2 year old daughter named Charlie Ballerina so you can imagine what sort of awesome name their son will have.  I have a feeling that the kid was named after someone dropped some acid.  The baby's name is Bastian Kick.  Charlie Ballerina is the sister to Bastian Kick.  Bastian Kick...that sort of sounds like my emotions the time my parents forgot me at the mall and I was running around screaming their names.  The good thing with the name Bastian Kick is he is destined to be in martial arts movies.

Hilary Duff gave birth to a baby boy and named him Luca Cruz Comrie.  Hilary and her husband are two of the whitest people there are.  What happened to normal names?  I bet they're secretly racist against white people.

This is Jennifer Lawrence.  She's in this independent film that hasn't received any air time or reviews.  It's called The Hunger Games.  She makes me hungry...nay...ravenous.

They are going to make movies about the harrowing experience George Clooney suffered after being arrested last week for protesting at the Sudanese embassy.  He was incarcerated for 3 hours, paid his $100 bail, and left.  Thank goodness he didn't have to shower in those three hours.  He told reporters outside: "The stay was really rough you can imagine ... Have you ever been in a cell with these guys?"  He also told TMZ that he did use his one phone call and used it to call his mom.  I find that sort of messed up that he didn't call his girlfriend Stacy Kiebler.  They've been dating for 7 months.  That time I got arrested for soliciting an undercover police officer, I called my girlfriend.  I guess I just care more about the person I'm with than George.  Stacy, I'm here for you and that bit about me being arrested, well that wasn't true.  I just wanted you to know that I will always be here for you and you will be #1 on my speed dial.

This is Beth Chapman and Dog the Bounty Hunter.  I think he helped the NFL track down all the shenanigans happening inside the New Orleans Saints locker room.  Beth has breasts that 14 year old boys fantasize about and draw on all the women they draw.  Dog has the hair of a Norse god.  How can't you like them?  I was going to ask about motorboating but I think I'd drown. 

This is a still shot from Daniel Radcliffe's new movie.  I'm glad to see him shed his Harry Potter look.  Even the movies he did during the Harry Potter era he retained that look.  I hardly recognize him here.  He's playing Allen Ginsburg in a movie titled Kill Your Darlings.

Dane Cook turned 40 this week and his comedy is still written by 10 year olds.  Yes, 10 year olds write his comedy.  TEN YEAR OLD BOYS WRITE HIS COMEDY ROUTINE!  OR they just go on youtube and steal it from Louis CK.  Please, monkey, end the world's nightmare NOW!

Coco turned 33 this week.  I would've made the joke "but certain parts of her are much younger" but Coco was on some Doctor show and proved that she's all natural.  Yep.

This is Claire Sinclair.  She is a Playboy Playmate and dates Hugh Hefner's son, Marston Hefner.  Well a couple of weeks ago Claire was photographed moving out of the apartment she shared with Marston and she was seen having a black eye and fat lip.  It turns out Marston was arrested for beating her.  This week Marston was sentenced to a 52 week domestic violence program.  I hope having to sit in a 45 minute class one day a week for an entire year teaches him a lesson.  He also had a vandalism charge dropped because he also beat up her laptop.  I refuse to respect a man who hits a woman.  Men who use violence are weak mentally and physically.  Sure, women will drive us crazy but that's no excuse to raise your hands against them.  I know some of you are like me and think that Marston should be hung up by the thumbs, have his balls cut off with hedge clippers, and then raped until he finds religion but then it hit me...pun not intended...who has done more damage to women?  A guy who beat his girlfriend in an argument or a guy who has objectified women and eating their souls for 60+ years?  Bruises heal and go away but naked photos live forever.

Carl Reiner turned 90 this week.  Reiner is a legend.  He's an actor, producer, director, writer, and stand-up comedian.  Carl is everywhere and even his children have given us classic TV.  He  is probably best known for his Emmy award winning character on the Dick Van Dyke Show and his Grammy award winning album The 2000 year old man in the year 2000

This is Beyonce leaving a fundraiser dinner thrown by Michelle Obama on March 20th.  Beyonce supposedly gave birth on January 7th of this year.  Well I guess it's true, Beyonce is writing a book titled, "What to Expect When Your Surrogate is Expecting".

I hope everyone has a great weekend.