So a while back I was talking with @peridot21 about a series of CSI photos I have.  I started searching the folders where I keep all my funny photos and I couldn't find them.  Well, the other night I was searching some of my flash drives for a song that I promised @xplorrn .  I didn't find the song in my flash drives(ended up finding it through secret ninja Google skills) but I did find the CSI photos.  I think I've only seen one entire episode of CSI and that was the one that Quentin Tarantino directed but one of the trademarks of CSI Miami is Horatio, played by David Carusso, using the one-liner at the crime scene and then Roger Daltry's trademark scream in the song "Who Are You".  Anyway...here are they are.


















And if you want to create your own:

And because of the latest chapter in Tebowmania...



Have a great night or day or whatever.

Will you marry me? Breathe if you want to get married or lick your elbow if you don’t want to get married.  Studies have shown that only 7% of people say they’ve found their soul mate so that means you should get used to settling and who better to settle for than me.

Now that the desperation is out of the way, I woke up this morning looking forward to offending complete strangers on the internet.  Hope this post works.

Because of rising gold prices, Pony Boy can only stay copper.

Easter time is a perfect time to come to my house to see a display of racial harmony.  My candy jar is filled with black and white jelly beans. They happen to be my least favorite of all jelly beans but it’s nice to see them sitting together in my jar.

Studies show that when black girls clap during an argument it makes their point 145% more correct.

Every time I ride an elevator, I slowly turn and lift my head hoping that you’ll be there when the door opens.  It doesn’t happen.  I think I should stop dreaming and realize I’m going to be alone forever.

Seriously…John Carter the movie is if every Creed album became a movie.

I always wish opportunity would knock on my door but it always turns up to be a missionary trying to get me to join their church.

My nude photos will never be released because I’ve never been nude.  I shower in my bathing suit.  I mean, I’m alone.  What happens if I slip and fall in the shower and break my hip and they come looking for me because I don’t show up for something?  Then I’ll be naked and helpless and my rescuers will take photos of me in my naked state.

I wish I had a gospel choir following me around so they could sing back-up whenever I spoke. That would make me at least 500% sassier.

There really is nothing more satisfying in life as taking a block of cheese and biting into it much like one would bite into an apple or an onion.

Titanic 3D is going to be in theaters soon.  I have this sinking feeling that it won’t do well.

I haven’t heard much about Kony this past week so it makes me wonder what my fellow white people have decided to care about now.  It’s interesting though because I don’t think this many white people have cared about anything transpiring in Africa since Mustafa died in The Lion King.

If the Dream Police are inside my head they better have a search warrant.

Playing poker for money is exciting.  Playing poker for clothing is erotic.

The best form of birth control is scattering Legos all over your floor before you go to bed and then waking up in the night and stepping on them.

I had motivation until life intervened.

I figure it’s a good thing that I’m funny because I’m way too unattractive to maintain a social life.

I bought a new hoodie so hopefully I’ll be able to win some rap battles.

This week, ABC Family Channel greenlit a Home Alone 5movie.  I hope Macauly Culkin has a cameo but sadly he’ll probably end up playing a burglar looking to steal so he can score some meth and when they’re done shooting, he’ll ask, “When do we start filming?”

You know you’re not a morning person when people say “Good morning” to you and you reply with “Go to hell”.

I’m pretty sure what kills me doesn’t make me stronger.

I’ve tried dieting, exercising, and pills to help me lose weight but I think the thing that has had the best effect is depression.

If porn has taught me anything it’s that I have to hire babysitters when I have no children and that I should become a pizza delivery guy.

When stoners break up they sue for joint custody.

Until a girl breaks into my house demanding that we live together for the rest of our lives I can’t be sure if prayer works or if hell exists…one or the other.

I think the hardest part of being white is denying that I enjoy John Denver.

March 17^th is the only day that Applebee’s gets away with serving green meat.  If you see a girl wearing a shirt that says “Kiss me, I’m Irish” the chances are greater that she’ll give you herpes than her actually being Irish.  You don’t have to be Irish to march in a St.Patrick’s Day parade; you just have to be out of your mind.  St. Patrick’s Day is my favorite day of the year to celebrate my drinking problem.  And for those keeping score at home, green beer makes your vomit turn blue. 

I think people get confused when reading some of these so I probably should add “LOL” at the end to let you know it’s a joke…LOL!

And now here's your weekly dose of motivation...LOL

Never allow yourself to be a second option because #2 is the codename for shit.

I auditioned to be a sports commentator and they had me announce a basketball game.  They didn’t hire me because I said, “He really should’ve made that” after every single missed shot.

I think the only reason girls take my number and put it in their cellphones is to know when I’m calling so they know when not to answer.

It looks like summer is almost here and you know what that means…sunburn and boob sweat.  Who is excited for summer?

I can always ease my pain with Taco Bell and by “ease my pain” I mean replace it with explosive diarrhea.

My latest pick-up line not to work: Your inner thighs would look so cute next to my ears.

Now that Peyton Manning is taking over as the Denver Broncos quarterback, Tim Tebow is weighing his options: cashier at McDonald’s or busboy at Applebee’s.  I also think this means Tim Tebow is the first person to leave a Mile High club a virgin.  Watch he’ll end up in Green Bay so he can learn from a real quarterback.  OK first Manning was with the Colts and now he’s with the Broncos. I wonder how long it’ll be before he has an affair with Sarah Jessica Parker.  Tim Tebow said that at the end of the 2011 season he prayed to God that the 2012 Denver Broncos season would be better and God answered his prayer by sending Peyton Manning.

Never do your taxes after drinking.  I got back $1trillion, an F22, half of Kuwait, and the right to determine who wins the next presidential election.  I guess I’m responsible for bankrupting America.

I like the new Axe body spray.  It’s like Armani Code with a hint of bowling shoe and desperation.

The only thing I’ve lost as a result of watching The Biggest Loser is precious hours of my life.

If you can’t tell the difference between “you’re” and “your”and “then” and “than”, than your idiot.

I’ve been thinking about gay marriage and if they want to get married that’s OK with me as long as I’m invited to the reception and they have an open bar.

Worst thing in the world? Trying to go to the bathroom after having sex.  It’s like someone put a rock in a fire hose.

March Madness is always conflicting for me.  I’m not a fan of college basketball but I am a fan of gambling.

Remember that thing I did that made everyone love me?  What was it again?

“No, you should really go out and get some fresh air.  I’ll be here when you get back.” -Xanga

One day I hope to the object of a Xanga crush.  By the way, what happened to Xanga Secrets?  I just hope that crush is good at crushing spiders.

I’ve thought about creating a Bizzaro Xanga where everyone starts off as friends and you try your hardest to scare them off and the person with no friends is the winner.

Only people on Xanga would get involved with a fight over________.  I left it blank so I can use this joke weekly.

Xanga law: Never argue with idiots because they are too dumb to realize they are wrong.  Of course on Xanga both sides think the opposing view is idiotic so I guess that makes everyone who gets involved in Xanga flame wars idiots.

Class, I read you last assignment and was pleased.  I know that a lot of people don't observe Lent and I know some that do don't practice sacrificing something for the season.  My church doesn't practice that but I do because it helps me focus on the meaning behind the season.  I also enjoyed reading what TV shows you enjoyed.  There are a few that I think I should be checking out.  I also forgot to add to my list that one of my recent obsessions is a show called Oddities.  Overall you did good, class.  Your grade is an A.

Now here's your next assignment:

A.
   

B.

   
You may answer one question or the other and if you want to be an over-achiever, answer both.  I forgot to include an extra question for question B.  Make sure you tell me why you picked that song. 

OK, class, get to work.

A.  I could never settle on a name and I couldn't narrow down my powers.  The first power I would like is the teleportation/time travel sort of like Hiro in Heroes.  I actually loved how he operated and basically I could be like Quantum Leap and help right what once went wrong.  The other power I'd like is invisibility.  Now I bet you're saying I'd want that just so I could sneak into girl's houses and watch them shower and do other things.  Well, maybe but I think the reason I'd like it most is because I wouldn't be noticed and I could hide.

B.  I narrowed my songs down to two.  The first is Beethoven's String Quartet in c-sharp minor opt. 131.  There is just something so beautiful about this piece and it's so powerful and I have associated with the TV show Band of Brothers particularly the episode of the series entitled "Why We Fight".  That may be the best single episode in TV history.  The second song would be Don't Think Twice it's Alright by Bob Dylan.  I just love that song.

Little did I know
How quickly the dream would fade.
It just took one blink

I am writing a
Seventeen syllable piece
Of poetry. Boom

 I want to get out
Getting out seems a blessing
I suck at haiku

Green Bay is on Earth
Center of the footballworld
The Mighty Packers

Wet hair and warm couch.
A snarky little feline.
Thinking positive

I ate a doughnut.
Chocolate with lots of sprinkles.
I need some milk now.

Oh my sweet Lordy
Sexy haikus are sexy
Take a cold shower

Eighty milligrams
of hydrocodone, true pain
is yet to subside.

I'd love to make shirts
But I'd probably get sued
first is movie quote

I pick up the phone
“Hello, this isDominos”
Should’ve gone online.

He’s drawn on the box..
It says “Have fun, pizzaphile”
that could be naughty!

Why so delicious?
You captivate my mouth holes
You are a pizza.

I had to share this because of my Domino's haikus.

Here's a helpful reminder, ladies.

Purple hays all in my field, lately I can't grow the same yield, acting funny but I don't know why, 'scuse me while I kiss this guy

I really do look like a hippy sitting in a bird's nest

That is one drunk beaver and I can't believe it's riding a croc.

Hope floats and so does alcoholism

If you ever set up a vegetable stand, make sure you know how to spell.  There was a bar and grill in these parts that offered a vegetarian pizza but in the menus it was called a Vaggie Pizza.  You'd think I'd love eating that one all the time but, no, I hate vegetables on pizza.

I enjoy my knotted dough glazed yeast raised rings be filled with jelly.

Did we catch Kony yet?

Xanga, you're awesome.

Well I had a lot to say about the subject but I sort of figured it didn't matter so here's cats because in my book it's still #Caturday  I like the idea but I'd rather have a wife in real life but I think a Xanga wife could lead to that but I have a bad track record with being engaged.

If anyone wants to be a Xanga wife that's going around drop a line, I can't offer much.  I'm a man of average speed, average quickness, average looks, average size, and average carpentry skills but I'd parlay them all into being the best Xanga husband there ever was.  Oh and I just reminded myself I need to get off my tuchus and get this Xanga contest ball rolling.

I hope everyone had a swell St. Patrick's Day.

So how are you doing tonight?  I went out for some supper and did some grocery shopping and ended up forgetting about the internet until about 5 minutes ago.  I guess I was in disbelief because tonight almost all my brackets were busted and we had massive amounts of lightning lighting up the sky.  I can't believe I thought Missouri could have what it takes to win.  I can't believe that it's March and I'm watching heat lightning.  Anyway, here's the round up.

This week it was announced that the movie "A Star is Born" will be remade for the 10,000th time and it will probably be like all the others.  Clint Eastwood will be directing and Beyonce will be playing the Barbara Streisand/Judy Garland role and Tom Cruise is set to be the aging has-been rockstar.  The film will be set to film in June but Tom has some other projects and Clint has approached the likes of Will Smith, Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, and Eminem.  Tom Cruise and Beyonce are a strange pairing sort of like toothpaste and pineapple juice.  But the good thing is if Tom does star opposite Beyonce he can try to brainwash her into joining Scientology and help Suri get close to Blue Ivy so Suri can take Blue Ivy down a peg and teach her that Suri is the most spoiled celebrity kid. 

This is Vanessa Hudgens on the set of Spring Breakers.  I may have to see that movie.  I'm sort of getting a vibe from this photo.  It's a vibe that says Vanessa just got done filming the Girls Gone Wild casting room scene.  Yeah, I may have to see that movie.

This is another shot from Spring Breakers.  It is a scene that features Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez in a hot tub.  That is Selena exiting said hot tub.  The director of Spring Breakers is named Harmony Korine.  I think he's going out on a limb having these girls prancing around in nothing but bikinis.  Harmony's work harkens the work of Scorsese. 

Stop me if you've heard this one before.  The new Muppets movie features a cover of the Nirvana song "Smells Like Teen Spirit".  They paid to use the song and had the permission from the two remaining Nirvana members, Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic.  Well that wasn't good enough for Courtney Love.  Courtney said the Muppets raped the spirit of her late husband Kurt Cobain and bastardized the song and this was all done without her permission.  Too bad Courtney did give a record company the right to distribute Nirvana's catalog and she was paid for usage of the song.  If Courtney really cared about Nirvana why didn't she stop contestants on The Voice from butchering the song Heart Shaped Box.  What about the Rockabye Baby Nirvana album?  I think Courtney should be flattered that they made a Muppet look like her.  See, she's right there in the bottom right corner.

Ron Jeremy turned 59 this week.  You know this guy sort of gave me hope.  Here was this fat, ugly, balding, hairy guy who was scoring with chick after chick.  I thought that could be me but then Ron and I have one big difference.  Do you know how difficult it was finding a photo of him with clothes on?

Sasha Grey turned 24 this week.  She was the former porn star turned childhood reading advocate.  She is a retired porn star.  Wow, 24 and retired but then 24 is sort of old for porn.  Do you know how difficult it is to find an image of Sasha wearing clothing and no penises in her mouth?

And while I'm on the topic of porn, Raquel Welch recently said in Men's Health that porn has led to the downfall of civilization.  I think she's campaigning for Rick Santorum.  Here's what she said: "I think we've gotten to the point in our culture where we're all sex addicts, literally. We have equated happiness in life with as many orgasms as you can possibly pack in, regardless of where it is that you deposit your love interest.  It's just dehumanizing. And I have to honestly say, I think this era of porn is at least partially responsible for it. Where is the anticipation and the personalization? It's all pre-fab now. You have these images coming at you unannounced and unsolicited. It just gets to be so plastic and phony to me. Maybe men respond to that. But is it really better than an experience with a real life girl that he cares about? It's an exploitation of the poor male's libidos. Poor babies, they can't control themselves.  I just imagine them sitting in front of their computers, completely annihilated. They haven't done anything, they don't have a job, they barely have ambition anymore. And it makes for laziness and a not very good sex partner. Do they know how to negotiate something that isn't pre-fab and injected directly into their brain?"  I hate it when celebrities are right and I really hate it when they spotlight one of my activities but then I gave it up for Lent.  But then Raquel was known for baring it all in pictorials in the 60s and 70s so she forgot about her own contribution to decadence and how she basically started the commoditization of women waving their breasts around.  Oh, I'll forgive her, she's probably having a senior moment.

So Rihanna is making a fashion statement by wearing a fanny pack.  It's not only a fashion statement but a pretty ideal place to keep a cold compress in case of an argument with Chris Brown.  Now, I'm off to my parent's basement to find my fanny pack because I have a fashion statement to make.

Richard Grieco was unearthed for the premiere of the new 21 Jump Street movie.  He sort of looks like a Transylvanian sexual predator.  That guy looks so bad.  I remember when he was on 21 Jump Street and all the girls in my class just loved him.  How the mighty have fallen...but was he ever really mighty?

The thing is, the Daily Mail is right...THAT REALLY IS NEWS!

IT CAME FROM THE SEA!  Nicki Minaj is filming a video for her new set of beeps and bass.  Nicki Minaj is basically the black Lady Gaga in that she took something bad and made it worse and insufferable.  That being said...mmmhmmm...I think a lot of guys hate those big butts and thighs because they have small penises and can't reach.  At least she has her butt because that's probably the only talent she has.  I think it's a sad day when a pretty green-haired girl can't go to the bathroom on a public beach without having her photo posted all over the internet.  Sad days, people, sad days.

Miley Cyrus was at the Hunger Games premiere this week and well she posed and did other stuff and I think that kid in the second photo says it best.  Just look at his side-eyes.  So this film series is going to be a movie that no one stops talking about for the next three years and it's already making me sick because I have basically seen the whole movie through gifs and photos on Tumblr.  Anyway, I think Miley's middrift dress stole the show.  I think Billy Ray summed her dress up best by saying, "A woman not proud of her baby feeders is about as useless as a coon trap at the bottom of a creek or a possum feeder in yankee territory but she best not be showing off her woman udders without no lacy up pushers otherwise she be getting a whooping."  I don't speak hillbilly.  COuld someone translate?

Jon Hamm became my new hero when he said this this week: "Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly."  Maybe I should start watching Mad Men.  Granted he's a little late to the Kim Kardashian bashing party, it's refreshing to see legitimately famous people calling out these whores for being fame whores who are cashing in on America's stupidity and willingness to believe everything they see on TV.  Cough cough mainstream news cough cough.  Talk about stupidity, I call those singles numbers advertised on TV and not once have I found anyone who wants to date me free of charge. 

Christina Hendricks should watch out for Jon Hamm because he totally wants to nail her.  He said this in a magazine interview this week: "I can't say Mad Men has changed anything. It's a spike, a blip. I think Christina Hendricks is a beautiful woman, but we live in a culture where the beauty model is significantly different from Christina's silhouette. It shouldn't be - those of us who live in real life realise, especially as we get older, that beauty isn't just 22 years old, blonde, skinny with big tits. Those of us that have lived with and actually seen a real woman naked and made love realise there are many, many iterations."  It's official, this guy is my hero.  He dangles a compliment out there while at the same time calling her fat.  Don't fall for his Jedi mind tricks, Christina.  I bet it works.  Let me try.  I'd like to sleep with Olivia Munn and her fat, ugly knees. 

Jessica Simpson said that she and her husband(?) have already named their 4 month old unborn daughter.  Jessica said that people won't think the name is nauseating but they will understand where it came from.  A family friend said this about the baby's name: "They tossed around a lot of names, including some wacky ones like Zinfandel, but couldn’t agree on anything.  They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short. Jessica wanted a name with meaning."  Maxwell is Eric’s middle name, and also his beloved grandma’s maiden name. Jessica has been wearing a diamond pendant of the letter M and has had monogrammed onesies made up.  She is also set to give birth on April 20th, which is three weeks early.  She has gained so much weight that the doctors think the baby will be so big that it might cause Jessica problems if brought to term.  OK, OK, OK...MAXI!  MAXI PAD?  Will the baby have wings?  I guess the name Kotex was out of line.  they might as well give her the middle name Pad because everyone is going to call her Maxi Pad.  MAXI PAD JOHNSON!  Jessica was also on Ryan Seacrest's radio show and had this to say about her sex life: "I am definitely 'feeling intimate and HOW! I'm kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever! He's always ready!"  I don't know why but I picture them going at it and a bag of the Taco Bell Doritos Taco Loco being involved.  Jessica probably just lays there and eats.  Hell, I'd probably do the same if those tacos were involved.  Remember when Jessica was a devout Christian and made such a deal about not having sex until she was married to Nick Lachey? 

Hey, pretty ladies, Jerry Lewis turned 86 this week.  Glayhaywayven, blavenoyven, gloyvenshmoyven, glutenhoyway, and heyheyheywaywen, GLAVENHAVENMOYVENSCHLOYHEYY!

Ladies, don't get your panties in a knot, George Clooney isn't into kinky handcuff games.  He just got arrested.  Sadly he wasn't arrested for attempted murder of the Batman series with "Batman and Robin".  He was arrested for protesting outside the Sudanese embassy in Washington D.C.  George and his father Nick Clooney had hoped to get arrested so they could bring awareness to what is happening in Sudan.  George's representative said this: "They were protesting the violence committed by the government of Sudan on its own innocent men, women and children. They were demanding they allow humanitarian aid into the country before it becomes the largest humanitarian crisis in the world."  After ignoring three warnings from police to leave (the embassy is private property), Clooney, his dad Nick, Martin Luther King III, NAACP President Ben Jealous, and reps Jim McGovern, Tom Andrews, and Jim Moran, were all handcuffed and led away to what can best be described as celebrity Guantanamo Bay AKA Holiday Inn.  I have to hand it to Clooney.  This is way more nobler than the time I got arrested for climbing a tree to peep into my neighbor's bathroom to protest her not having sex with me.  Maybe now Clooney should make a viral video to help people be an activist for something for a week or so and then go to Sea World and have a mental breakdown and get naked and masturbate in the middle of the street.  Yeah, the founder of Invisible Children, the campaign to bring awareness to Joseph Kony, was detained for being drunk and naked in public, masturbating, and vandalizing cars...I don't even want to know how a drunk, naked, and masturbating guy vandalizes cars. 

Flava Flav turned 53 this week.  Honestly, I thought he had died.  I don't know why but when I saw it was his birthday the first thing out of my mouth was, "I thought he was dead."  I think it had something to do with him being arrested and not being on VH1.  I then researched what he was up to these days.  Flav has opened a fried chicken restaurant in Las Vegas called Flava Flav's House of Flavor.  Besides fried chicken the menu boasts collared greens, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and red velvet waffles.  Flav, like any good restaurant owner, said he has never tasted anything on the menu but unlike most celebrity restauranteurs Flav actually plans on working in the kitchen.  YEAH BOY!

Bear Grylls was fired by the Discovery Channel this week because he didn't work on a couple of projects tehy wanted him to do.  The last episode of his show Man vs. Wild will air in November.  Somewhere, I bet Bear is sitting at a bar, crying, and sipping on a warm glass of piss.

Avril Lavigne was interviewed by the TV show Extra this week and she wore a necklace that had the word "fuck" on it.  How edgy!  Avril laughs at society's rules.  She is so badass and doesn't play by anyone's rules.  By the way she is worth $75million and has 5 accountants on her payroll.  ANARCHY!

Chuck Norris turned 72 this week.  Little known fact, Chuck Norris said he'd kick my ass if I didn't include his birthday in the round up so happy birthday, Chuck.  I still love watching Bruce Lee kick your ass in Way of the Dragon.

Here's Coco doing some poses at some sort of event.  I think I finally understand why she poses like that.  Something is wrong with her butt and she is in dire need of some fiber or she needs a prostate exam.  Yeah, I never did do well in Biology class so I don't know what could be wrong with her.

That guy's name is Nick Gordon and when he was 12 Whitney Houston took him in and raised him as her son even though she never legally adopted him.  The girl is Whitney Houston's troubled daughter Bobbi Kristina.  Bobbi called Nick "brother" and Nick called Bobbi "sister".  And now they call each other by another term..."lover".  TMZ posted photos of the two of them getting rather fresh with each other and Bobbi sporting what looks like an engagement ring.  Whitney's mother is supposedly disgusted by this tragic turn of events and feels that even though they aren't related by blood that this is an incestuous relationship and that Nick is taking advantage of Bobbi because of her fragile emotional state because Whitney left everything to Bobbi and they think Nick is just digging for gold.  Just a few years ago she was using that tongue to call him "brother" and now...I don't even want to know.  I know they aren't related by blood but that's still a little weird.  It's sort of like this guy I knew who married his step-sister.  I just don't know, when the term "sister" is involved I think that should automatically raise a flag that says "hands off".  I feel bad for that girl.

I don't think the person who gave this photo of a dead Whitney Houston was in a charitable mood.  However Cissy Houston, Whitney's mother, confronted the family member and said the family member had a "come to Jesus" moment and the six figures they sold the photo for was donated to charity.  Whitney deserved to have a elegant send-off into the great beyond but someone in her family had to make a quick buck.  Wait...six figures, that's...wait...let me count...that's this many.  Shit.  I won't be the one to say when an entrepreneur can't make a little extra scratch.  This is America.  It's our right and our patriotic duty to make money and if it means taking out the old cellphone to take a few photos of corpse then snap, baby, snap just as long as you buy American made products with your dollars.  You wouldn't want to know what I'd do for six figures...ok, I'll just say it involves making my stage version of Weekend at Bernie's come to life.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

I haven't checked the late scores yet but from what I've seen so far today I am pleased to say that my bracket is perfect.  I think in the 20 years of filling out brackets for the NCAA basketball tournament this is the first time I've ever had an opening day where I got all the games correct.  I guess there is tomorrow and I expect the axe to drop and I'll lose big.  I don't know what else to say here.  What do you want me to talk about?

1.  This is a fun Tumblr site.  It's called The Composites.  It's a collection of sketches created by law enforcement sketch artists and the subjects are fictional characters from popular books.  The sketch of Ignatius J. Reilly is spot on how I pictured him.

2.  I found this site on Tumblr a while back after I posted the photo of Rick Santorum with an ice cream cone.  It's called I Hope Rick Santorum. 

3.  And here is the companion site, I Hope Barack Obama.

4.  When I watch the teen comedies like Can't Hardly Wait or American Pie, I usually like the nerd characters.  I think that's because I am a nerd and relate so well with them in that respect.  Here's a collection of some of the best nerds on TV and in movies.  Bill Haverchuck representing!

5.  Over the course of the day most of us eat many different foods.  Some of those foods we eat have strange side effects on us and here are some of those bizarre side effects.  I'd eat more carrots but some of the medicine I take says I can't have prolonged exposure to sun.  When I'm out for more than a minute in direct sunlight I burn.  Also I find it interesting that when I was a vegetarian was when I dated more.  Hmmm.

6.  Years ago,  I was at home alone during Christmas break and I couldn't sleep one night and I turned on the radio to listen to this off the wall show called Coast to Coast.  It has some really interesting topics as well as some that are plain ridiculous.  Anyway this show was about rock and roll legends.  They discussed the 27 Forever Club, conspiracy theories behind the deaths of some rock stars, the Led Zeppelin curse, the Lynyrd Skynyrd curse, and the tale of Paul McCartney's death rumors.  The last bit was the most fascinating.  I had heard about the rumors surrounding the hoax but never really got into it.  During that show I ended up buying the guy's book called The Walrus was Paul and really dove into reading about this hoax.  I don't know what to think and lean more to that it was all an elaborate ruse and McCartney never died.  Now I was just tipped off to a movie about Paul McCartney really dying and it's called Paul McCartney Really is Dead and is supposedly about a lost recording of George Harrison documenting the cover-up.

7.  In honor of the NCAA basketball tournament, here's a list of colleges with geographically challenged names.  I was surprised East Carolina didn't make the list.  I also should say the Big Ten should make the list because there are 12 schools in the conference but that would be mathematically challenged.

8.  I enjoy the professional wrestling and ever since I can remember there has always been something there to counteract all the homo-eroticism of men rolling around wearing spandex.  That something is the diva.  There are women in wrestling and they usually are seen as pieces of property fought over much like the title belts.  Anyway not wanting to start any Xanga drama, here's a collection of the 19 greatest divas in wrestling history.

9.  Do you enjoy The Hunger Games?  Are you getting married soon and haven't done much for planning?  Well this site can help you.  It's Hunger Games related wedding ideas.  Stuff like that is why I'm single.

10.  Also in honor of the NCAA basketball tournament...wait, no, this is just something I want to complete my men cave/den.  I'd rather call it a den because I really hate that term "man cave".  It just sounds skeevy.  It's called a Dream Arcade.  Basically it's an old school video game from an arcade and you can have them custom built.  I have heard of some of them being able to be built with a refrigerator unit so you could have a keg inside and have a beer tap on the side.  How awesome would that be?  And that is another reason I'm single.

11.  Game of the week: Kanye Zone.  Your mission is to keep Kanye West from entering the zone.

12.  Have you ever wanted to insult someone but you could think of something on your own and you wanted to use an insult that Martin Luther once used?  Well you will enjoy the Lutheran Insulter.  It contains some of the reformers best insults and you can randomly generate the insults for multiple uses.  I can't find the insult Luther wrote to the Pope that told him to shit in his papal hat and roll it around to fashion a necktie.  Such an eloquent speaker.  All I can find is this quote about how Luther handles the devil coming to him making him think of his sins: "Sweet devil, I know the whole list. But I have done even more sin which is not on your list. Write there also that I have shit in my breeches. Hang it around your neck and wipe your mouth on it.”

My hometown newspapers are exactly like this.  Daily papers once a week.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

HAHAHAHA...Forrest you got served!  Served...the kids are still saying that, right?

So then why would you want to get the taste out of your mouth if that's how you have to do it?

True...at least better than Montana.

Sigh...I'm getting so old.

Even those fucking otters have someone.

And because I laugh at this tells me why I am single

Ummm...white Russians?

I used to love History Channel when it had history and Hitler...now...ugh...and I had History International and that was awesome, it was ALL history and then they screwed that up by calling it H2 and it's now nothing but aliens and alligator shit.

I'm looking forward to Saturday.

Xanga, you are truly a delight.  I've been going through some weird stuff again and you are there for me.  Thank you.

The Badgers win and 2 days until St. Patrick's Day...score.  I figured we'd go with somewhat of a theme this week.  See if you can spot it.

Did you spot it?
Wisconsin, I weep for you.

I have always been fascinated with the last things people say before they die.  I remember being in the room when my grandmother died and she said, "Everyone, be quiet!  I'm listening to the singing."  The weird thing is that her sister said something similar before she died: "Can't you hear the angels singing?"  My mom and dad said that when they were with my other grandmother her final words were, "Theo, it's good to see you again.  You look so young.  I've missed you."  And my grandfather who my grandmother thought she saw, well his final words were, "Say the 23rd Psalm, bye."  I've heard plenty of other stories from friends and family about people saying strange things before they die.  Well here are some I've found and thought I'd share (some of you may recognize these from ones I posted on Tumblr, I decided to add more).

• Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose. - Queen Marie Antoinette after she accidentally stepped on the foot of her executioner as she went to the guillotine.

• I can’t sleep. - J. M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan

• I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis. - Humphrey Bogart

• I am about to — or I am going to — die: either expression is correct. - Dominique Bouhours, famous French grammarian

• I live! - Roman Emperor, as he was being murdered by his own soldiers.

• Dammit…Don’t you dare ask God to help me. - Joan Crawford to her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.

• I am perplexed. Satan Get Out. - Aleister Crowley – famous occultist.

• Now why did I do that? - General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.

•  Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’! - James French, a convicted murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to members of the press who were to witness his execution

• Bugger Bognor. - King George V whose physician had suggested that he relax at his seaside palace in Bognor Regis.

• It’s stopped. - Joseph Henry Green, upon checking his own pulse

• LSD, 100 micrograms I.M. - Aldous Huxley (Author) to his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.

• You have won, O Galilean. - Emperor Julian, having attempted to reverse the official endorsement of Christianity by the Roman Empire.

• No, you certainly can’t. - John F. Kennedy in reply to Nellie Connally, wife of Governor John Connelly, commenting “You certainly can’t say that the people of Dallas haven’t given you a nice welcome, Mr. President.
• Is everyone else all right ? -Robert Kennedy, whispered to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma. He died in the early morning hours of the next day.

• I feel ill. Call the doctors. - Mao Zedong (Chairman of China)

• Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here. - Nostradamus

• Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you’re fooling around! - Carl Panzram, serial killer, shortly before he was executed by hanging.

• Put out the bloody cigarette!! - Saki, to a fellow officer while in a trench during World War One, for fear the smoke would give away their positions. He was then shot by a German sniper who had heard the remark.

• Please don’t let me fall. - Mary Surratt, before being hanged for her part in the conspiracy to assassinate President Lincoln. She was the first woman executed by the United States federal government.

• Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies. - Voltaire when asked by a priest to renounce Satan.
• Van Halen!  -Dimebag Darrell, bass player of Pantera and Damageplan, said minutes before he was shot and killed during a performance
• Oh, yes; it is the glorious Fourth of July. It is a great day. It is a good day. God bless it. God bless you all. He then lapsed into unconsciousness; he awakened later, and mumbled, Thomas Jefferson… -John Adams, some dispute that his final words were "Thomas Jefferson still survives" but people say his last words were unintelligible.  Oddly enough Jefferson died a few hours prior on the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence
• "Is it the Fourth?" [Doctor Robley Dunglison: "It soon will be."] "I resign my spirit to God, my daughter to my country."-Thomas Jefferson
• This is the last of Earth! I am content! -John Quincy Adams, who died on the floor of the U.S Capitol Building, as he had become a U.S. Representative from the 11th District of Massachusetts after his presidency.
• Is it not meningitis? -Louisa May Alcott, Alcott had been in ill health for many years and took a turn for the worse after she visited her father. She did not have meningitis. She may have died of mercury poisoning, the after-effect of an earlier treatment for typhoid fever. However she believed she had meningitis and is quoted as such.
• Waiting, are they? Waiting, are they? Well, let 'em wait! -Ethan Allen, stated after Allen was shot and a doctor told him, "General, I fear that the angels are waiting for you."
• Cold Harbor. June 3rd. I am dead. -unknown American soldier, This note was found on the body of a Union soldier, pinned to the inside of his jacket. Many Union soldiers placed final notes inside their jackets prior to leaving their entrenchments in the suicidal attack at the Battle of Cold Harbor on June 3rd, 1864
• Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel. -George Appel, executed by electric chair in 1928
• The ladies have to go first. Goodbye, dearie. I'll see you later. -John Jacob Astor V, The accuracy of this report is disputed. Astor and his wife were traveling on the Titanic when it struck an iceberg and began to sink. As Astor prepared to enter a lifeboat with his wife, a group of female passengers appeared on deck. He gave up his seat and spoke his final words to his wife; he was later found floating in the ocean, believed to have been crushed to death by a falling funnel.
• I want nothing but death. -Jane Austen, in response to her sister Cassandra who had asked her if she wanted something
• Codeine…bourbon… -Tallulah Bankhead
• Now I can cross the Shifting Sands. -L. Frank Baum, Baum was referring to the Shifting Sands, the impassable desert surrounding the Land of Oz.
• No. -Alexander Graham Bell, while Alexander Graham Bell was dying, his deaf wife whispered to him, "Don't leave me." Bell responded by signing the word, "No."
• On that subject I am coy. -Aaron Burr, Burr was an atheist. His last words were a response to the efforts of his friend, Reverend P.J. Van Pelt, to get Burr to state the existence of a God.
• I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili.  -Kit Carson
• Hello. -Graham Chapman, Monty Python's comedian, to his adopted son who had just arrived at the hospital.
• Why not? After all, it belongs to him -Charlie Chaplin, said this after a priest was reading him his last rites and said "may the lord have mercy on your soul".
• In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you are going to see another first -- attempted suicide. -Christine Chubbuck, 30 year old anchor woman who on July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting herself in the head (While she drew the gun on camera, the technicians quickly cut the video feed, but the gunshot could be clearly heard). She was pronounced dead in hospital fourteen hours later.
• You got me. -John Dillinger
• I don't care if I live or die. Go ahead and kill me. -Jeffery Dahmer, according to fellow prisoner Christopher Scarver, who admitted to beating Dahmer to death with a "preacher bar" (part of a weight machine), these were his last words.
• That guy's got to stop… He'll see us. -James Dean, said before dying in a car accident.
• I'll finally get to see Marilyn. -Joe DiMaggio, said about former wife Marilyn Monroe
• In einem kurzen Weilchen, meine Herren, sehen wir uns ohnehin alle wieder. Das ist das Los aller Menschen. Es lebe Deutschland. Es lebe Argentinien. Es lebe Österreich. […] Ich werde sie nicht vergessen. -Adolf Eichmann, a Nazi to the end
• Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. -Chris Farley, said to a prostitute as she left his hotel room following a weekend-long drug and sex binge. When she turned around, Chris Farley had collapsed.
• Just don't leave me alone. -John Belushi, died from a drug overdose.  Farley was a huge fan of Belushi.
• Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta! -W.C. Fields, Carlotta Monti was an actress and Fields' mistress
• Das ist nicht wahr! Ich werde in der Montur sterben? -Frederick William I of Prussia, translates as "That's not true.  I'm gonna die in this suit?"
• Mother, I'm going to get my things and get out of this house. Father hates me and I'm never coming back. -Marvin Gaye, Moments later, Gaye was fatally shot by his father, Marvin Gaye, Sr.
• Love one another.  -George Harrison, said to his family who had come to be with him during his final days
• Be inspired -Heavy D, his last message on Twitter
• Surprise me. -Bob Hope, spoken to his wife after she asked him where he wanted to be buried
• I'm tired of fighting! I guess this thing is going to get me. -Harry Houdini, Houdini is often said to have died after being punched in the stomach before having a chance to tighten his abdominal muscles. This is a fabrication. Houdini WAS punched in the stomach, however doctors agree such a blow could not have caused his appendix to burst, which is what happened and is the cause of his death.
• Don't worry, they usually don't swim backwards. -Steve Irwin, said when he was examining a Stingray in the Great Barrier Reef. It did, however, swim backwards and the tail pierced his chest. He died of bloodloss later.
• Let us cross over the river, and rest under the shade of the trees. -Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, Jackson was accidentally shot by his own men and, weakened by the injury, died from pneumonia.
• Miss, I got what I really went for. -Jeremy Wade Delle, shot himself in front of his classmates in 1991. Forever immortalized in the Pearl Jam song.
• We didn't commit suicide. We committed an act of revolutionary suicide, protesting the conditions of an inhumane world. -Jim Jones, his last statement recorded on a audiocassette made during the mass suicide on 18 November 1978.
• "I wish I was skiing." [Nurse: "Oh, Mr. Laurel, do you ski?"] "No, but I'd rather be skiing than doing what I'm doing." -Stan Laurel, said before dying of a heart attack
• Don't let me die, I have got so much to do. -Huey Long, "The Kingfish", American politician, Governor of and Senator from Louisiana
• We are holding our own.  -Ernest M. McSorely, McSorley was captain of the 729-foot Great Lakes freighter Edmund Fitzgerald, which was in a storm on Lake Superior. Soon after he said these words, the ship sank and all twenty-nine men aboard were killed.
• Die, my dear? Why, that's the last thing I'll do! -Groucho Marx
• Pee pee. -Freddie Mercury, asking to be helped to go to the bathroom
• We all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer. The poor get it in the winter. -Bat Masterson
• I should have asked for a stunt double! -Vic Morrow, said this before filming a challenging scene for "Twilight Zone: The Movie" with a helicopter. During filming, the helicopter lost control, and fell on the actors. He and one of the two children were decapitated while the other was crushed by the falling helicopter.
• I love you Sarah. For all eternity, I love you. -James K. Polk, said to his wife
• Kaputt… -Manfred von Richtoffen AKA The Red Baron, von Richthofen crash landed after being shot through the chest by Cedric Popkin and lived for 2 minutes until he finally uttered his final words.
• I don't believe that I'm going to be able to speak any longer... -Branch Rickey, he was in the middle of an acceptance speech at Missouri's Sports Hall of Fame when he collapsed in mid-sentence and never regained consciousness.
• I'm going over the valley. -Babe Ruth
• Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Lucy...how can I ever forget them... -Charles Schulz, from the final Peanuts comic strip released on February 13, 2000 (one day after his death).
• Shazbot. Nanu nanu. -Bon Scott, his last words as heard on the last track of Highway to Hell, Night Prowler. This phrase is taken from the show "Mork & Mindy." It was used by the aliens to say "goodbye." He died later by alchohol poison. Although these may not be his official last words, they were the last words heard by the public.
• Uh oh... -Michael J. Smith, crew member of the Challenger, 28 January 1986. Last statement recorded on the spacecraft's cockpit voice recorder, less than half a second before the shuttle disintegrated.
• It must have been the coffee. -Jack Soo, This was a reference to the running gag of his character Nick Yemana from the TV show Barney Miller having the reputation for making horrible coffee. According to friend and fellow cast-member Hal Linden, these were Soo's last words before being taken to surgery for cancer of the esophagus.
• Es lebe unser heiliges Deutschland! -Klaus von Stauffenberg, said before being shot by a Nazi firing squad for his role in an attempt on Hitler's life
• Relax — This won't hurt. -Hunter S Thompson, the final sentence of his suicide note
• Stop shooting! I’m Pat fucking Tillman, goddamnit! -Pat Tillman, former NFL player who left the NFL to join the Army in wake of 9/11.  He yelled at men who were firing at him from his own platoon shortly before being fatally shot
• Brothers! Brothers, please! This is a house of peace! -Malcolm X, two men were staging a fight in the audience he was addressing to distract attention from assassins who were drawing their guns to shoot him. Reportedly, Malcolm was dead before his body struck the floor.
• My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go. -Oscar Wilde, other sources say it was "These curtains are killing me, one of us has got to go." Others say, "Either the wallpaper goes, or I do."  Wilde said this in the Left Bank hotel where he died on November 30 1900, the wallpaper has since been removed and the room re-furnished in the style of one of Mr. Wilde's London flats but some say that he ordered a bottle of champagne and said, "I am dying beyond my means."

I’ve got 98.7563498 problems and rounding up to the nearest whole number is one.

A new study revealed that studies are a waste of money and do not benefit the world in the least bit.

I’m surprised we haven’t switched to the metric system because it makes penis sizes sound more impressive.

I love how people have Yahoo and Facebook connected.  I love knowing that they read articles about child molestation daily.

Remember that part in Planet of the Apes when Charleton Heston drops to his knees and damns them all to hell?  Well the Kwik Trip down the street from me no longer sells chicken alfredo pizza.

I just saw this kinky gay couple outside my house.  The white guy was dressed as a cop and he was choking his black boyfriend on the hood of their car. 

Sometimes picking which political candidate is right for you is like picking which STD is right for you.

We should make Shakira our president because she would never lie.  At least her hips wouldn’t lie.

About the only thing I’d for a Klondike bar is pay for it.

I actually enjoy Facebook now that they let you translate statuses in French, Spanish, Klingon, Latin or any other trendy language.  Too bad they don’t have one for high school aged ignorant person.

Scientists discovered last week that the rain is actually God crying after listening to Bon Iver.

I hope the iPad 3 clears up all the questions left with iPad1 and iPad 2.  I also hope it’s more absorbent than this roll of Bounty paper towels.

I want to open up a video game arcade and call it “The Jungle”.  This way I can hire Axl Rose to be the greeter since he has nothing better to do and he can greet every customer with “Welcome to the jungle, we got your fun and games.”

If I spent as much time getting a girlfriend as I do thinking about fried cheese curds, I’d have at least 10 wives by now.

I can’t believe no one is complaining about how homophobic Pepsi and Coke machines are.  I try to insert my dollar and it rejects it because it isn’t “straight”.

There is a bakery across the street from my therapist’s office.  I get to eat away all the feelings that weren’t addressed in our sessions.  God, I love elephant ears and donuts and bismarks and long johns and kolache and apple fritters.

“I think everything I say is funnier when I scream it.”  Valdectorian speech from the Dane Cook school of comedy.

It’s assuring to know that in an alternate universe I’m a slut.

I call all of my friends on Xanga “the minions of darkness”.  I think that classifies me a sa cult leader.  Tax exempt status here I come…again.

Why is it that we allow Peter Pan to build a child army but get all up in arms when a black man tries to do the same thing?

I felt like a superhero on Saturday because when I turned the clock forward I imagined myself wearing tights and a cape rescuing time from certain doom.  The bad thing was that I got so caught up in my daydream about rescuing a big boobed time that I set my clocks ahead one hour and let me tell you, the future sucks.  NASCAR is on every channel and President Palin has declared war on sideburns and men who have long hair.

I hear single girls push their biological clocks an hour forward on Daylight Savings Time.

I think Joseph Kony teamed up with Waldo ensuring that no one will be able to find him.  But is this guy so bad?  I got 600 invites for aKONY2012 event so I figure he throws a hell of a party. 

I sort of wish they had the internet and Facebook back in1933 because then everybody would’ve posted a few videos and changed their profile pics to an awareness photo and then there wouldn’t have been a Holocaust.

Do you think that the next Kidz Bop album will have a cover of Jay-z’s “Niggas in Paris”?

Did you know “Disney magic” is actually LSD?

The Beatles once sang “All You Need is Love”.  I really do want love but I think all I want is sex but all I have is porn.

Adele’s new boyfriend forgot to return a text last week and this week Adele has a new album.

Being on Tumblr for a few months, I have seen so many gifs and still shots from The Hunger Games that I actually think I’ve seen the entire movie already.

I’m thinking that one day a teenager is going to have his dick ripped off by a vacuum cleaner and from then on there will be very graphic and specific warnings on vacuum cleaners. 

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

45% of Alabama GOP members think President Obama is Muslim and can’t figure out what 45% means and how to convert it into a fraction.

When I was a teenager I timed how long it took my parents to walk upstairs to my room.  It was 10seconds.  I timed how long it took me to shut off the tv, pull up my pants, and hide the beer.  It was 8 seconds.  Those were thrilling days.

I will never be threatened by a vibrator because no vibrator will go to the store and by tampons or help look for lost car keys or serve you breakfast in bed when you are sick.

The reason why Peyton Manning won’t play for the Miami Dolphins is that he’s too pasty white for Miami.  His “tan” is perfect for Denver.

I see Taco Bell has started selling tacos wrapped in Doritos.  All my peyote dreams are coming true.

OK maybe this is sick but I sort of wonder if during the Hulk Hogan sex tape if he rips off his shirt and starts flexing.

People say I’m ignorant. I’m not, I’m American.  There is a difference, mostly in spelling.

Girls, if a guy has ever looked at you from across the room and stared in your eyes it means he wants to have sex.  Girls, if a guy looks at you, period, it means he wants to have sex.

A two week old baby in Brooklyn died from herpes.  Kids are having sex way too young these days and of course I blame hiphop music and MTV.

My cats got into my Ecstasy and have been listening to Skrillex and licking each other non-stop for the past 5 hours.

I think if I ever have kids I’ll yell at them about how hard my life was when I was a kid and instead of saying “When I was your age I had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow,” I’ll say, “When I was your age I had to play Gameboy in black and white and that was all there was.”

“Sooth.  Sooth.  Sooth. Sooth.  Sooth.  SOOTH!” -a soothsayer.

I was stranded in the desert with a group of ladies when our plane crashed.  I ended up being the only survivor because all we had for liquid was Dr. Pepper 10 and we all know women can’t handle the boldness of that softdrink.

I like to sign up for porn sites with my college email account.

I sink into my new bed like it’s a cloud.  It’s not one of those Tempur-pedic mattresses; it’s just an air mattress with a hole in it.

Since my cats are ordained ministers and conduct services in my house, I wonder if I have to pay property taxes…fingers crossed.

New Xanga motto: Xanga is an exploration of sanity,sexuality, and the soul, for those who have too much of one and not enough of the others.

I think some of you should take your real life as seriously as you take Xanga.

New Xanga drinking game: take a shot every time someone accuses another person of being a troll.

I wonder how many Xangans are able to function in the world because they seem like if they go outside they’d be offended by a blade of grass…but then I’m just begging to start Xanga drama because they probably don’t have grass in their lawns.

Xanga is the only addiction that makes you feel better when you don’t use it.

I just want to end this post by asking, will you go to prom with me?