Class, I read your last assignment.  I enjoyed reading your responses.  I think most people were fans of Pizza Hut but there wasn't any one name people agreed on.  Either way, it was a fun assignment.  Your grade is an A+.

Now here's your new assignment:

A. 

B. 

Answer one or the other but make sure you clearly answer both questions.  For extra credit do both questions.

Get to work!

My answers
A.  I gave up porn and the "enjoyment" of porn and sexuality.  After the first two weeks I thought I was going to go out of my mind but with self-imposed celibacy, the first two weeks are the hardest.

B.  I think if you've been a long time reader you will be able to say that my favorite show is Freaks and Geeks.  I reviewed every episode here on Xanga and gave my insights.  It was the best 18 weeks of my blog.  I think I'd also include Deadwood because I like westerns but this one was more enjoyable because it was probably what life was like during that period of time and maybe one of the most accurate westerns I've seen.  There is one downfall, I saw more of Ron Swanson than I ever wanted to see.  I think I'd also include Seinfeld just because it was such a great comedy and there were so many stories that are so memorable all these years later.  All in the Family and Happy Days also are on my list because they have left a legacy on TV.  That 70s Show because they mention my town a few times over the course of the series.  I probably would also have to add The Shield, NYPD Blue, Rome, Family Guy, and Bullshit.

Well it was a day.  It has been such a strange couple of days.  In case you didn't read my pulses, a kid at a school where I was for the day threatened to kill another student with a gun he had in his car.  Well a teacher heard it, called the office and police and they got there in seconds and the kid was restrained and arrested for making the threat.  The weird thing with all these faculty members running around the hall and people screaming, most kids thought the shoot was in the building taking people out.  Kids were in classrooms screaming, hiding under desks, saying prayers, crying, and saying their last goodbyes.  It was surreal.  Well the kid was released on a bond and I guess the kid who got threatened is seeking a restraining order or that's what I heard.  The kid who did the threatening is the son of a former police officer in this small town.  The cop let power go to his head and he would harass teenagers and trump up charges against them just because he was an asshole.  He harassed me once.  I was standing out on my parents' driveway drinking a rootbeer and apparently he saw the shimmer of the silver can and thought it was a beer.  He drove up and pointed his nightstick at me saying that I had best obey him and he slapped the can out of my hand.  Two of my friends were with me and we went with my family the next day to report it to city hall.  Then whenever I came home and drove in my car he would follow me, more like tailgate me.  Anyway he pulled shit like that with other kids and ended up having so many complaints against him and potential lawsuits that the city fired him.  Oh and the kid who was threatened, he lives on my block.  Anyway it was such a wild time and tonight I tried to unwind.  It didn't really work.  Oh well, tomorrow I'm going out with a friend to do some fishing on the Mississippi and maybe visit a riverboat.  Time for the round-up.
 

There has been a dark cloud over Tila Tequila for the past year.  She lost her fiance, miscarried a baby, and these week she almost died two different ways.  Tila's roommate called 911 because Tila was falling in and out of consciousness all day long.  She was observed at the hospital and they didn't think anything was wrong with her so she was released.  Later that night her manager called 911 because he didn't think she was normal.  She was soon taken to the hospital for observation.  It turned out she had a brain aneurysm and in a state of confusion because of the aneurysm she downed two entire bottles of pain killers.  She was taken to the hospital and treated for the aneurysm.  Doctors say it's too early to tell but they think she may have permanent brain damage.  I hope she's OK and this isn't another publicity stunt like when her "girlfriend" died and then when she tried to adopt her children.  I hope she finds help either way. 

Lord help us!  She spent weeks negotiating this cover for the right price of money.  I may be in the minority here but I think Snooki is going to be a great mom.  I don't see anything going wrong...until I read this quote about when she discovered that she was pregnant: "Shit, I've been drinking!' I was worried. It was New Year's Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy."  If that kid isn't born with two heads, claws, and the ability to shoot lasers from its nose, then it's a minor miracle.  Snooki is taking full advantage of her child and pregnancy by slapping her name on all sorts of baby products like clothing, bibs, rattles, mobiles, strollers, and cribs.  If any of you buy this crap, you'll be charged with child abuse.  Isn't motherhood glorious?  There's nothing better than selling Snooki brand nooks on QVC.  Did you really expect Snooki not to cash in on something growing inside her?  She's also planning on marrying the father and they will have their own MTV reality show about raising their child.  What will the show be called?  "I've Narrowed Down the List of Potential Fathers to Two and a Half Men"?  "Survivor...of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome"?  "24 and Pregnant...again"?  "The Cockadile Hunter"?  "Poon Stars"?  "Doctor, Whose is it"(OK so my Dr. Who reference was weak)?  "Behind the 8 Balls"?  "How I Met Your Mother After Downing a Liter of Tequila"?

Here you go @raiderjester This is for you.  If you don't like this, blame Demi Moore because ever since Demi posed naked in the same way when she was pregnant women have been doing it and you know what...I love it.  I think she looks radiant.  Maybe I'm a perv but she is rather attractive.  Jessica was also interviewed and she told them how she knew she was pregnant: "We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?"  What was the hardest part of her pregnancy: "Givin’ up my Scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!"  A...big...thing...of water...well no one ever said she was the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Jessica also revealed that she's going to have a daughter and is worried about her daughter being an athlete: "I swear, I will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! Eric is so athletic — we're gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won't even be able to take her shopping, 'cause all she's gonna want is sports bras and Nikes!"  Jessica also revealed how she's going to name the child: "It's nothing shocking and nothing you'll have to add to the dictionary. Still, when people hear it, they'll know ... why."  My guess is Chicken of the Sea. 

Martha Stewart is pissed and I wouldn't want her upset because she spent time in jail and probably knows how to sharpen a toothbrush so she can stab a person with it.  Well she's pissed that Rachael Ray's show is moving into her old studio now that her show has been cancelled.  Well Martha and Rachael were dining in the same restaurant this week and Martha stared at Rachael so hard and so long that it made Rachael leave because she felt so uncomfortable.  Honestly, I'd leave Martha alone.  She probably knows how to kill a person and then hide their body in a tasteful Thanksgiving centerpiece.  Honestly, how does someone as annoying as Rachael Ray still have a show and Martha Stewart is cancelled?

Besides butter and diabetes, Paula Deen knows how to run a restaurant and be racist and at first I thought she knew how to wear Cheetos but apparently that's a microphone.  Paula is a co-owner of a restaurant in Savannah, GA called Bubba's Oyster and Seafood House.  She shares ownership with her brother Bubba Hiers.  Well a former employee at Bubba's filed a harassment lawsuit this week and in the lawsuit she claims that Bubba watched porn all time time and made employees watch certain scenes, showed printed out emails about why gay marriage should be legal and the photos were graphic photos of lesbian sex, he grabbed the woman's face to try to kiss her, forced black employees to use a bathroom in the back of the restaurant while he allowed white employees to use the customer restrooms, said the president should fix the oil rig in the Gulf by n*gger-rigging it, and what made her quit was he spit in her face during an argument.  This woman claims that Paula hired her to be the general manager of the restaurant because the last gm was a man and he was accused of trying to have sex with waitresses and Paula said this after she was hired: "If you think I have worked this hard to lose everything because of a piece of pussy, you better think again, and now I'm going to do something I have never done I am going to put a woman in a man's job."  The woman also alleges that Paula dropped the n-word when talking to staff about catering a wedding: "Well what I would really like is a bunch of little n*ggers to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts and black bow ties, you know in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. Now, that would be a true Southern wedding wouldn't it? But we can't do that because the media would be on me about that."  I know we've only heard one side of the story but how can we trust any family with someone named Bubba.  It's hard to imagine that an old, rich white lady from Georgia would be horrifically racist but then that's where Neo-Nazis go to feel inferior.  The sad part of all of this is that Paula probably said those things in the most loving way possible and then followed them with a big heaping helping of apple pie.

I don't know if I've ever talked about my dislike of the show Everybody Loves Raymond on Xanga before.  I hate that show for one reason and that's her.  Patricia Heaton.  I shouldn't hate on her because it was her birthday this week and she turned 54 but she opened her mouth on Twitter and I can't stand her.  Her character on that show was nice when the show first started but then she turned it into this woman that just made you hate her.  My teeth are clenched right now.  I realize that the other characters were not angels but she always came off as holier than thou and her character is pretty much how she is in real life.  Well Patricia jumped on the Rush Limbaugh bandwagon of bashing the college student Sandra Fluke and the birth control fiasco.  I can't believe people think that you take birth control every time you have sex and I can't believe that people think that birth control is prescribed to kill unborn babies.  She said on twitter that if Fluke's parents paid for her birth control then they should get a voice in who she sleeps with.  Heaton also said that if Fluke wore her underwear inside out then she could save on money to afford birth control.  And she should also stop buying shampoo and toothpaste because then no one would want to sleep with her.  I have some more in the photo.  Well she received so much heat for what she said that she shut down her twitter account.  Then she opened a few days later apologizing because she didn't properly show Sandra Fluke God's love.   I don't think that character on Everybody Loves Raymond was a character after all.  If I was Ray I would left her years ago.

Did anyone watch Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live last week?  I didn't because I totally forgot.  Apparently people say she bombed but only one person thought she did good and that person's name rhymes with "Lindsay Lohan".  Lindsay said she was proud of the episode but people are laughing about how bad it was.  Lindsay, delusional...come on.  She couldn't have really bombed since Saturday Night Live hasn't been that funny in years.  They should hire her as a headliner because she is funnier than most of the current cast.  She invited Tina Fey to the show because Tina wrote "Mean Girls" which was probably the movie that made Lindsay a star.  Tina didn't attend the show because her children were sick but I bet she thought that Lindsay wouldn't show up because she'd overdose and die in a gutter on her way to the show.  Also Lindsay is one step closer to being a porn star.  She has signed on to do a movie that is described as a sexual thriller.  Unless she does hardcore porn, I'll pas on any of her upcumming projects.  Get it?  She should just sign with Vivid already.  It's basically the only company that wants to film her.

This is an early teaser poster of the new Lone Ranger and Tonto movie.  Johnny Depp is Tonto and fucking bloody fucking hell.  Fuckity fuck face fuck fuck.  Fuck Johnny Depp.  Why couldn't Hollywood get a Native American to play the role of a Native America?  Is this going back to the days of Hollywood when non-whites were considered to be inferior animals incapable of acting so they had to paint up white actors to play the roles of other races?  Fuck this shit.

Well let me tell you something Hulkamaniacs, The Hulkster, Hulk Hogan has a sex tape coming out, brothers.  Someone is shopping a sex tape and I bet it's that asshole The Iron Sheik because Sheik has hated Hogan ever since Hogan beat him for the WWF title in 1984.  The woman is not Hulk's wife or ex-wife.  It's an unidentified brunette.  I guess the Hulkster read Pam Anderson's book "How to Extend Your 15 Minutes of Fame".  It's not a bad plan since the Hulkster meets the criteria of being a bleached blonde washed up bimbo with leathery skin and big boobs.  Hulk has no clue who the person is with him in the tape because he claims that for a while after his divorce with his ex-wife Linda he went through hundreds of women.  I just hope it doesn't end with the line, "What'cha gonna do when my python erupts all over you?"  I really don't know what type of man he is but when I make a sex tape I make sure I know the woman's name and her dreams and life goals.  Then I compliment her shoes and say how amazing she is and then how she's so beautiful and that I've never met anyone like her and then I say I'd like to settle down with someone like her.  I find this makes them more open to the kinky type stuff.

This is Connie Britton.  She was in Friday Night Lights and Friday Night Lights and American Horror Story.  (If you don't get the two references to Friday Night Lights then you should ask me and I will tell you free of charge.)  I love Connie.  The way she says "y'all" in Friday Night Lights and Friday Night Lights sends chills up my spine.  It's like some sort of aphrodisiac.  It's better than hearing "ja sure you betcha" all the damn time.  Anyway she turned 45 this week.  She was so hot in American Horror Story.  I hope they somehow bring her back but from what I've read that show is going to be weird next season.

Christina Hendriks and Olivia Munn had their phones hacked this week.  Both deny that the nude photos that were released were them.  I'm not sharing the Olivia Munn nude shots because I'm still investigating.  It's weird because she said that all the photos with her face in them were hers but the nude photos were not her even though some of the photos were obviously taken in the same bathroom.  I think the only person that hasn't had their phone hacked and had nudes leaked is Pope Benedict...just give it two weeks.  But seriously, who keeps nude photos on their cellphone?  If you keep nude photos on your cellphone, I suggest you forward them to me so I can store them on my hard drive and flash drives for safe keeping.  Christina was interviewed later this week and the interviewer wanted to talk about the nude photos but Christina wanted to talk about her acting.  Come on, the last thing anyone wants to talk about is your acting especially with those clothes you wear on Mad Men.  Note to self...start watching Mad Men.

Hey, ladies, this is for you.  Yes, good old Chester Hanks, son of Tom Hanks, posted this photo of himself on Twitter just for you.  I bet all of you are fanning yourselves so you don't faint.  I bet most of you will leave your boyfriends or husbands over this photo.  In fact later on Chester, rapper name Chet Haze, took to twitter and apologized for all the guys out there that lost their girlfriends.  CLASSY!  You know, I should start posing like that on Xanga with my beer belly and manboobs sticking out.  Yeah, if it worked for Chet Haze it has to work for me.

Kids, this is why you don't do drugs and hookers.  Look at those teeth.  Go on, look at them.  If you do drugs that is what will happen.

That is Ben Flajnik.  He is the bachelor on a show called The Bachelor.  The season finale is sometime soon and I'm going to save you the time you'd invest watching it so you can worship me on Xanga.  Ben picked Courtney over Lindzi.  But that's not Courtney he's kissing.  It's someone named Allison.  So in the end Ben thought he found true love but it turns out he's just like the rest of us and doesn't find love.  I can't believe I wrote about The Bachelor.

A couple of weeks ago I posted about a rumor that stated that Simon Cowell was trying to get Our Lady of the Trailer Parks Britney Spears to be a judge on The X-Factor.  Well it is true and Simon has offered Britney $10million to be a judge and be one of the replacements for Paula Abdul or Nicole Scherzinger.  So Simon has offered a world renowned lip-syncher a paid position to be a judge on a singing competition.  The thing is, Britney's camp wants more money.  They say she deserves more because she'd make the same as Christina Aguilera on The Voice and $2million less than Jennifer Lopez on American Idol.  I really hope they work it out because Britney is still "doesn't know the difference between rat shit and Rice Krispies" crazy and on an unscripted show that's begging for fun.  The other judge position is rumored to be offered to LeeAnn Rimes after Janet Jackson turned it down.  I may have to watch The X-Factor whenever that mess is on.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Today was a long day.  I get a phone call about 3AM and it's my dad asking me if I've been booked for Wednesday.  I told him I have taken the past couple of Wednesdays off so I can focus on church because of Lent.  He said that he needed me to go with him to get some stuff at a pharmacy.  I agreed.  I should've known that by "going with him" meant that I was driving.  I drive him a half hour to this pharmacy that orders special diabetic stuff for him and he then asks if I want a birthday present.  He writes me a check for $40.  "Now you have to do something for me."  Don't you love when presents have strings attached?  Apparently he's listening to this late night radio show about aliens and sasquatch and 2012 and demonic possession and they advertise this special tea.  He wants me to go order some and the money that he gave me was going to go for the cost of the tea because he wants me to use my card to buy it online.  The good news is that I get to keep whatever is left over.  The tea costs $38 so I got $2.  I can buy half a gallon of gas!  I then ate at Wendy's.  I know why I don't eat at Wendy's let alone fastfood in general.  It was awful.  I then got home and took a nap.  I had a dream about a Xangan but I won't say who.  It was rather interesting because she spoke in Latin and I spoke in German and everything was written in French.  Never fall asleep watching the History Channel.  Then came time for church and I was all like, "Man it's hot out here."  I look at my thermometer and it says 65.  I get to church and it starts raining and I church it up and sing and pass the plate around and then dine at church.  Wild rice soup and banana cream pie?  YES!  I think more churches need to offer pie after services.  They'd get more people.  I come home and turn on American Idol and after 15 minutes I fell asleep.  I think I forced myself to sleep because it was just awful.  I was tired, don't know why.  Maybe it has something to do with why my left kidney feels like someone is kicking me repeatedly.  I think I may have to go check this out.  You better laugh at this stuff because it was either this or a 155 question survey.

We really need to stop Joseph Kony.

Well since American Idol did a tribute show tonight I decided it was time for this.

They said I should highlight everything that's important.

I wish it still worked.  There were a couple of women I saw today that I would've loved to have cried in front of.

DJ Benny is spinning it up and it made DJ Crush show up.

Everything is better with sprinkles.

Chili's totally is divine.  The Awesome Blossom really is awesome in the Biblical sense.

Someone has a new idea for a Valentine's Day card.

Someone has a new pick-up line.  Oh, Ed, you so crazy...seriously, you were fucking nuts.

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

Just a reminder, I AM NOT FROM MILWAUKEE!

It's a sad day in our society when we don't accept pugs with curves.  A sad day, I tell you.

Viva Wisconsin!

VIVA WISCONSIN!  God how awesome would that be to have strapped on my hip when I'm wearing my Packers shirt and hat.  You have to coordinate accessories, people!

What happens in Aisle 5, stays in Aisle 5...unless a sextape is released and a sextape will most definitely be released with all of those security cameras focused on Aisle 5.

I hear you, Kirk.  Ugh...if I wasn't alone I'd have someone drive me to the hospital.

I think by now you know these posts are NSFW but if you need a reminder...NSFW

I have discovered that I am a superhero.  My power is to severely repulse women faster than a speeding train.

A phrase women use that I have grown to detest is, “All the good guys are gay”.  That is so insulting to me.  I don’t think I’m that bad.  Sure I’m horribly overweight, balding, ugly and hey what is that, a baked bean in my chest hair?  I haven’t had baked beans since last Thursday.  Oh, never mind, back to repulsing women.

I’d make a lot of money as an exterminator because all I’d have to do is hang outside a house and no living thing would want to be near me…especially the female of the species.

Flying squirrels are cute and all until you realize they are just unsuccessfully trying to kill themselves.

“Oral sex is like smoking cigarettes.  The flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.” -Socrates

The main reason why people look down on sluts is because we can’t sacrifice them to Satan if America is ever in a pinch.

Thanks to the Food Network, I know it’s not “burning the food” it’s “putting a good char on it”.

I’ve become addicted to the show on Food Network called“Chopped”.  I wonder if they will have a Halloween special where Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is in the basket.  Are Se7en jokes still hip?

I feel so unloved.  I think I finally understand how the two end slices on a loaf of bread feel.

Hot chicks to me are like iPads.  I’ll never have an iPad.

I have a new 11^th Commandment.  It used to be, “Thou shalt not cultivate on thine face what runneth wild on thine ass.” Now it’s “Thou shalt not declare ordinary moments to be awkward.”

If Jesus came to the world in this day and age and only had12 followers on his blog people would laugh at him.

I don’t think I’m that funny.  I think my main talent is making people feel uncomfortable.

When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade and then you sell that lemonade in a busy area with a high markup on a hot day and then you open a lemonade store and then you become a lemonade corporation and eventually you’ll have a lemonade monopoly which will put life out of business.

When I was in grade school there was a sign near the paper towel dispensers that said “Take Only What You Need”.  A friend and I in third grade saw this and figured we needed all the towels in the dispenser and we needed to throw them on the floor.  It wasn’t my proudest moment but it was my first dalliance fighting the man.

Sarc is my second favorite type of asm.

I find it odd that Kirk Cameron is so vehemently against homosexuality considering his best friend in high school was named Boner.

I once dated a girl and we got pretty serious and then she figured out that if we got married her initials would’ve been C.O.W.  No girl wants to go through life thinking they’re a cow.

I might not be ugly; it’s just that good photos of me do not exist.

Apparently a boy in Brazil died after masturbating 42straight times.  I guess that means 41 is the limit guys.

I think it’s time for a new girlfriend.  I think it’s high time I ruin someone else’s life.

I need sex.  Any takers?  It will be the most regrettable minute and a half of your life.

If Hitler really wanted to get away with genocide he probably should’ve started with the Jersey Shore.

Do you find it odd that Rush Limbaugh doesn’t know how birth control works since he’s quite familiar with pharmaceuticals?  I think the only reason he apologized was he lost a fast food restaurant as a sponsor. But given what Rush looks like he probably knows a prostitute when he sees one. Oh well, but seriously I think that anyone that wants him fired over something he said is un-American.  Sure I don't like what he says but that's part of freedom of speech...you aren't going to like everything everybody has to say so just make a fake Xanga account and troll the shit out of him.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Why doesn’t Food Network ever have a show about how to cook for people you hate?  I’ve always been curious as to how to make a bleach cocktail.

I think for Halloween this year I’m going to get a few friends and we’re going to dress as the gang from Scooby Doo and then we’ll go to a party and unmask everyone.

Someone told me that ranch dressing was good on everything so I put it on some broccoli, my lamp, and a country music CD.  They lied.

The best way to sum up a country music song…sad, sad,drinking, sad, sad, kill all non-Republicans and people with brown skin, happy,happy, drink drink.

My heart melts when girls tell me those three words I love to hear, “You do not know how to count.”

I never realized how many pedophiles are out there.  I’m constantly being hit on by people asking,“What are you, twelve?”

I decided it was time to look on OKCupid for some love.  The funny thing was my first match was my girlfriend.  I think she was trying to cheat on me.

I think I was funnier before I thought I was funny.

Gas is getting pretty expensive.  I went to the gas station today and it cost me $5000 to fill up my car.  I didn’t just fill the tank but I filled the trunk and the interior.

Have you ever gotten so drunk in a public park that you get naked and pass out and then wake up to find a family reunion using your dong to play horse shoes?

Do they have Outback Steakhouses in Australia?

I was going to get a smartphone when I heard everyone saying how awesome Instagram was.  I looked it up and it had nothing to do with free drugs at all.  No smartphone for me.

Everyone wants to be your friend when you walk into a bar carrying a pizza naked.

Do you think when Snooki feels the baby moving she thinks it’s fist pumping?

I will never date a woman who doesn’t squeeze a tube of toothpaste from the bottom and work it up.

A girl once said she wouldn’t date me because I’m not a good dancer and that being a good dancer translates to being better in bed.  I asked her to find out how many orgasms Michael Jackson gave Lisa Marie Presley.

I want to meet more people from Xanga except that would mean having to shower.  Screw it, love me for who I am and the scent I emit.

Having a lot of subscribers on Xanga is like having an ant farm with a lot of opinionated ants.

I’ve been trying to pitch new mottoes for Xanga so they can do an ad campaign to attract new users. Here’s my latest: Are you addicted to drugs?  Do you have no life?  Do you have a Skrillex tattoo?  Do you love Dane Cook?  Are you a pathological liar?  Do you suffer from a mental illness?  Do you masturbate excessively?  Then Xanga’s the place for you.

If Xanga has ever offended you, I’m sorry…sorry that you let an internet site get to you so much.Xanga is a lot like kindergarten.  Instead of throwing rocks at people we make fake accounts to harass them and tell on them to the Xanga team.  And instead of me pulling hair of the girls I like I just pull their hair in my imagination.

People around Xanga constantly bandy about the mantra “I don’t give a fuck”.  Xanga does give a fuck and mostly it’s a “fuck you” to me.

The only thing more pathetic than my Xanga is my sex life.

Class, I enjoyed reading your last assignment.  I enjoyed your choices of music so much that I've decided to go on Youtube and make my own 90s party playlist.  I also enjoyed your thoughts about organ donors.  When I was a child there was a common belief in my church body that said donating your organs was sinful and if you gave your organs to someone you couldn't enter Heaven after Judgment Day when your body is reunited with your soul.  Yeah even as a 5th grader I called bullshit on that one.  Everyone gets an A.  Keep up the good work.

Now here's your next assignment:

A. 

B. 
Which is better?  Why?

A.  Olivia Munn, Christina Hendricks, Minka Kelly
B.  This one is a toss-up.  I like how Domino's offered a cheap service to me when I was in college.  2 pizzas for $10...yeah that got me through some nights.  However the pizza was so greasy that you'd develop zits the size of silver dollars.  I like Pizza Hut because they actually offer dining whereas with Domino's I've never seen a Domino's where you can eat at the restaurant.  I might also lean toward Domino's because there was this one time when I was driving down a street and I saw a deliveryman jump into his car and drop something shiny.  I thought it may be money so I stopped.  Here it was his cellphone.  I went to the frat house and called the store and said I had the cellphone.  I received two gift certificates...$25 worth of pizza and $25 worth of hotwings.
However the only pizza I eat anymore is from a chain of gas stations called Kwik Trip or from a place called Pizza Doctors.  If you ever swing through my area I should totally take you to Pizza Doctors for their evening buffet called Exploratory Surgery.

Answer one or both but answer them clearly and concisely.   Now get to work.

Why, yes, it is a joke.

Why the fucking fuck
Do people add bad music
To pornography

Sometimes the way I
Talk with you reveals too much,
and yet not enough

The Haiku Goddess
Has been bestowed upon you
LUTHERAN HAIKUS!

My own life I’d give
to wake up feeling warm and
secure, in one’s arms.

Look outside, a horse
No fool, it is a donkey
Both are wrong, a mule

Oh, constipation
This is not so new for me
I am an old man

There's even more sex
I got on a roll and wrote:
"Sex sex sex sex sex"

I once killed a man
I wanted to watch him die
I'm not Johnny Cash

 I defiantly
Copy all of my comments
Haikus are haikus

Just wait for next week
Each one may be about sex
I am so "lonely"

That's a compliment
From a genius like you
My mom can't count though

Morphine addiction
Was once treated with cocaine
Those sure were the days

When I have some time
I will have to create one
Must have some more time

You know you're a skank when you start to crystalize.

Well I know how I'm getting back into school.

sigh

I love this shot of a dam in my area.  The sad thing is that the Smiley Face Killer possibly struck when a body turned up near the dam and reports are coming in of another possible victim.  I can't believe people are ignoring this.

Nature is so lovely.

Oh snap!

Throw in some baked beans and chocolate covered bananas then you'd have two of my last three meals.

You do realize I say this quite often?  Enjoy, ladies.

I don't even know what to say here without having someone in love with Skillrex or Alexander Hamilton create a Xanga site to harass me.

Who wants to give it up with me?

Oh they are so girly!

I hope you enjoyed.

I think I'm going to take that title.  I know there are people out there who create sites just to attack Xangans because they got blocked and I know there is one guy who has at least 20 different accounts just to get his blogs on the top.  But I top all of that because I have now had three people create Xanga accounts just to express their hate for my site.  The first was a guy who didn't like that I thought his tattoo was questionable.  He split his tongue and tattooed his entire tongue black.  How am I supposed to react?  Why is it that everyone posts things online and expects everyone to like them and approve of it?  The next person created a site after I expressed my distaste for Dane Cook.  Really?  You love Dane Cook so when someone expresses an opinion contrary to yours you have to create an account on a blogging network just to tell them off?  Tonight a guy found his tattoo on my site and took offense to my caption.  I'm glad he hasn't seen what I've seen done to his tattoo over at Tumblr.  I just hope no one creates accounts just to hate on #Caturday or maybe Xanga wants people to hate me so they get more traffic.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.  Caturday on a Caturday...how awesome!

Tornadoes, snow, and ice...oh my.  Quite a day for weather.  In the Midwest and the weird thing, around here we had absolutely nothing.  Some towns not that far from me got over 6 inches of snow and I just had a dusting, enough to cover my windshield.  I still feel like we have a target on our backs and we're going to get hit with a massive storm, after the 50 to 60 degree weather next week of course.  Now it's time for the round-up.

That dog, Uggie, is the dog from the movie The Artist.  I thought this was cute but then I found out the bitter truth.  Uggie pissed all over Oscar's trash can.  He's a bad boy, a BAD boy.  That's no way to treat the homeless.

I think Rick Santorum is going to get Tim Tebow and Taylor Swift to campaign for him as the pure American couple.  Apparently these two virgins are dating.  So we're going to have to come up with a cute couple name.  I think I'll suggest UGH or EWW or BARF.  According to Taylor's friends, she has a huge crush on Tebow.  Why?  He looks like he was hit multiple times in the face with a frying pan.  Apparently their first date was at an Oscar's pre-party.  What's a good second date, Tim whisking Taylor to the Philippines where he shows her what he likes to do in the offseason...circumcisions?  I don't know if this relationship will last because Taylor Swift as a person is more annoying than a Taylor Swift song.  Tim better look out.  She's a wolf in sheep's clothing and will take away his virginity and then he won't be able to throw a football anymore.  Wait. 

Sofia Vergara was at the Oscars.  She didn't win but then she wasn't nominated for anything.  That's alright because Sofia went home with two golden globes.

A rumor was flying around a few weeks ago that Snooki was pregnant but like her sense of shame it died rather quickly.  Well it actually turns out that she is pregnant and is waiting to reveal the exclusive news to Us Weekly despite the news being broken already.  MTV is freaking out because she was set to start filming her Jersey Shore spin-off, Snooki and JWoww vs. The World.  MTV is worried that a pregnancy would seriously change the creative direction of the show.  The "creative direction" of any show leads to the bottom of a dumpster so I don't know what will be any different with this show.  Snooki denied being pregnant to MTV so she could cash in on her spin-off and cash in on an exclusive announcement.  When MTV is worried about the creative direction of the show that means that people in Middle America won't watch a 4'9" medical experiment get drunk and take random guys to bar bathrooms and tell them not to worry about wrapping up because the damage has already been done.   A drunk slut gets pregnant?  Gee tell me more Us Weekly.  How is something like that exclusive?  I feel sorry for the kid already.  He'll probably be in an Ed Hardy onesie and have melanoma before he turns 1 because his mom wanted to get him a base tan.  I also suppose that MTV is worried about budgeting this show because Snooki will have to GTL and drink for two now.

If you remember all the way back to last week I wrote about how Sacha Baron Cohen wanted to come to the Oscars as his new character, The Dictator, but the Academy people told him no so he went on the Today Show and declared war against the Academy Awards.  Well they gave in and they allowed him to come as his character so he went to Twitter and posted this message: "VICTORY IS OURS! Today the Mighty Nation of Wadiya triumphed over the Zionist snakes of Hollywood. Evil and all those who made Satan their protector were vanquished and driven into the Pacific Sea. What I am trying to say here is that the Academy have surrendered and sent over two tickets and a parking pass! TODAY OSCAR, TOMORROW OBAMA!"  It was amusing but not worth the hype.  The Dictator appeared with an urn that supposedly contained the ashes of Kim Jong Il and he dumped the ashes on Ryan Seacrest.  The best part of the whole thing was seeing how pissed off Seacrest was but he did admit later in the night that it was the first time since college that he had an Asian guy all over his chest.  You can watch the mess here.

During the week of the Oscars, another award ceremony announces their nominations and these awards are called the Razzies.  The Razzies celebrate the worst in film during the year whereas the Oscars supposedly celebrate the best (shhh don't say that to Leonardo DiCaprio).  This year Adam Sandler received the most Razzie award nominations mostly for his movie Jack and Jill which was the worst thing to happen to movies since Uwe Boll or Vincent Gallo's bright idea to film an authentic oral sex scene.  Here are the nominees: 
Worst Picture:  "Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star", "Jack & Jill", "New Year's Eve", "Transformers: Dark of the Moon", "Twilight: Breaking Dawn"
Worst Actor: Russell Brand for "Arthur", Nicolas Cage for "Drive Angry", Taylor Lautner for "Twilight: Breaking Dawn", Adam Sandler for "Jack & Jill" and "Just Go with It", Nick Swardson for "Bucky Larson"
Worst Actress: Martin Lawrence for "Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son", Sarah Palin for "Sarah Palin: Undefeated", Sarah Jessica Parker for "New Year's Eve", Adam Sandler for "Jack & Jill", Kristen Stewart for "Twilight Breaking Wind"
You can see more at the Razzies site.  The award ceremony will take place April 1st.

Paris Hilton showed up at a restaurant this week for a birthday party.  It was her birthday party.  She had her birthday on February 17th.  She had this party on the 29th.  She's basically taken Black History Month and turned it into Paris Hilton Month.  That racist bitch!  I was alternately going to caption this photo: 31 year old woman wears tiara in public.

Nick Nolte didn't win an Oscar this year.  Awww geez awww (my cheesy Nolte impression).  Whenever they showed him during the telecast I got this weird desire to write down what I wanted for Christmas.  Awww geez awww.

Natalie Portman fueled rumors at the Academy Award that she is married by wearing a ring on her ring finger.  I don't know if you can really tell if she's married just because she's wearing a ring.  Look at that smile.  She's insane.  Marriage sort of has that effect on people...as long as they're straight people.

Miley Cyrus flashed her bra this week.  I was sort of surprised that she wears a lace bra.  She comes from the trailer park and her dad sports a mullet so I just assumed that her undergarments were made from old potato sacks.

Michael Bolton turned 59 this week.  Whenever I see this guy and listen to his music I always wonder why it was that women dropped their panties.  I just don't get the appeal.

As I mentioned earlier, Leonardo DiCaprio was robbed by the people at the Oscars.  He didn't receive any nominations for his work on J. Edgard.  I haven't seen it but all the reviews I've read and heard said it was quite excellent.  Anyway he is making it harder for me to not like him.  He's basically the anti-Lindsay Lohan.  Apparently he sent each nominee in the acting categories a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne.  This guy is so dapper.  He gives all the nominees a bottle of champagne and he goes through Victoria's Secret models faster than the booking agent can hire them but the good thing is that he lets them go without any of that break-up buffoonery.  He's close to his mom but she doesn't rule or ruin his life.  This guy is at the Dean Martin level of cool.  This is a coolness I have yet to achieve.  I think Leonardo DiCaprio just earned the respect of a certain Pulitzer prize winning internet celebrity gossip journalist.

In a recent interview, Kevin Federline said he wants his children with Britney Spears to grow up to be normal and have normal jobs.  Here's what he said: "I'll have them working at Micky D's. That's how we had to do it! I worked at a car wash, I worked at a pizza place. Things like that made me. I can be in this business now and I'm still the same person I am back then, because I know what I want out of life and how to treat people."  That actually sounds reasonable however I think the only reason he wants them working at McDonald's is so he can get free Big Macs.  That's why I flirt with McDonald's employees.

Katy Perry has not been her normal bubblegummy rainbow sparkly ponies and stickers and Myspace.com self since her divorce.  She's been pretty down in the dumps.  Well good news for Katy, Rihanna is stepping in and plans on setting Katy up with new guys.  Well that's nice but isn't that sort of like Katy hiring Paula Deen to be her nutrionist?  Maybe Rihanna, Katy, and Chris Brown can collaborate on a song titled, "Bitch, You Gonna Get Punched".  Katy already has a gentleman caller and good thing for her, she won't have to get surgery to remove her tattoo of her ex-husband's name, Russell.  Russell Simmons has expressed his interest in dating Katy.  Someone needs to sit Russell Simmons down and put a mirror in front of him and explain to him that the only thing Katy Perry will give him is the cold shoulder.  The good news is if Katy ever suffers from insomnia she can have Russell lecture her on politics and music.  And if you have insomnia, I suggest this.

Justin Bieber turned 18 this week and now pervy ladies who claimed there wasn't a double standard when it came to ogling underage kids can rejoice and go back to saying men are pigs for making countdowns to girls turning 18.  Bieber is a frail, Canadian douche bag who despite having rappers in his videos still manages to look like a figure skater awaiting gender reassignment surgery.  He can finally go to R-rated movies and maybe his old woman girlfriend, Selena Gomez, will let him have a sip of her wine cooler.

Jennifer Lopez posed for some magazine and this was my highlight.  Now, is that a cup or a red patent leather diaper for an endowed male?  I think that second possibility excited Ryan Seacrest.  Either way...she looks great.

Hey, Santorum, this is what happens when you use the "Aspirin between the knees" birth control method.  I swear Jessica is in her seventh trimester.  How is it that Jessica is still pregnant while it seemed like Beyonce was pregnant for two weeks?  I think I'm starting to swell looking at her.  Not in that way, pervs.  I'm sure you're just dying to see photos of my erect penis. 

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner welcomed their third child into the world.  They were blessed with a baby boy and they named him Samuel Garner Affleck.  COME ON!  Samuel Garner Affleck?  That's so normal!  Think of the Pulitzer Prize winning internet celebrity gossip journalists who like to mock celebrity baby names.  Why don't they think of us for a change?  I don't know who to call but didn't Jennifer Garner get pregnant 8 months AFTER Jessica Simpson?  That can't be normal. 

It was announced this week that Uma Thurman is pregnant with her third child, the first with her new boyfriend.  This is good news.  She'll get a bigger chest and she'll be able to finally fill out that dress.  I also wonder if she'll give birth before Jessica Simpson.

Gilbert Gottfried turned 57 this week.  I think you have to have an acquired taste to enjoy his comedy.  I guess you could best describe it as liking cream soda.  You either love it or you hate it.  I hate cream soda but I love Gilbert Gottfried and that probably explains a lot about me.  One of my favorite Gottfried jokes which perfectly defines me is this one: "I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked."

Davy Jones, best known for his singing with The Monkees, passed away this week at the age of 66 after suffering a heart attack at his home.  He began his career performing onstage in London in the musical Oliver and came to America and starred in a Broadway production of the same show.  He had numerous guest spots on TV but hit it big with The Monkees.  Am I the only one who thought The Monkees were the younger brothers of The Beatles?  He is survived by his wife and four daughters.  It was difficult finding photos of Davy because doing a Google image search for Davy Jones gave me mostly photos of some squid shit from Pirates of the Caribbean.  The sad thing I just realized is that next weekend Davy was scheduled to perform in a concert in my town.  He will be greatly missed.

DWTS announced the cast for the next season.  Whenever I see people abbreviated Dancing with the Stars, I think it stands for Dining with Tartar Sauce.  I think the show should be renamed Dancing for Relevancy.  Anyway this year's cast includes greatness and has beens.  Here they are:  William Levy, a Cuban actor and model.  Sherri Shepherd, one of the hosts of The View.  Jaleel White, he played Steve Urkel.  Martina Navratilova, former tennis star.  Jack Wagner, actor on The Bold and the Beautiful and Melrose Place.  Donald Driver, greatness from the greatest football team in the world.  Maria Menounos, two bit actress and host of some gossip TV show.  Roshon Fegan, on some Disney Channel crap.  Gavin DeGraw, he sang that one song that one time.  Gladys Knight, legendary singer but how will she perform without the Pips?  Katherine Jenkins, she's some sort of opera singer.  Melissa Gilbert, she was Laura on Little House on the Prairie.  Even though this may be the weakest cast besides the element of greatness there are only three people I hadn't heard of before. 

I really don't know what to say about this photo of Coco that she posted on her website.  I love butts but this is just strange.  It's like proving gravity doesn't exist.  Science is so weird but arousing sometimes.

Carrot Top turned 47 this week.  The sad news was centered around that bunny.  Carrot Top went into a roid rage and the bunny was proven not to be the Energizer Bunny.

Aubrey O'Day of the singing group Dannity Kane and "star" of Celebrity Apprentice tweeted this photo of herself.  I hope it wins her Celebrity Apprentice and gets more money to her charity.  You know, she has big boobs and I like boobs.  What an eerie coincidence!  I am spooked.

As I've said, this year was a down year for the Oscars.  Angelina Jolie's leg may be the only thing that I remember.

Gwyneth Paltrow was so excited to see Steve Martin and Martin Short at the Oscars last weekend.

Steve Martin didn't feel the same way.  I love that guy.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Well it's Thursday and you know what that means...American Idol results show.  I seriously hate that show.  I'm not just saying that because the Wisconsin guy got eliminated, I'm saying that because it's not a talent contest, it's a popularity show.  A few of those people, they can't sing.  All they do is shout.  I guess most people value volume over pitch.  It's also means The Office.  I was pleased and laughed heartily especially when I saw Georgia Engel giving advice to Erin.  It was a pretty good episode overall.  Oh and I guess it means links.

1.  For those of you who have followed me for some time you'll remember I have a strong dislike for Dane Cook, except the one time his brother stole millions of dollars from him.  That I found hilarious.  Well I heard about Cook doing a set a while back where he went on stage and just talked shit about other comedians and ended up going into what some described as a manic episode.  Anyway Cook may be looking for 25 new jokes and here they are.

2.  Have you ever watched a movie and identified more with the villain than with the hero?  Have you ever sat back and thought that the villain was right and the hero was wrong?  I had an epiphany after I started teaching while watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  Ferris was wrong and the principal was right.  There I said it, all that principal did was for Ferris' own good.  Anyway, that made this list of villains who were right after all.

3.  I once had an inkling that some day I'd like to have kids.  I guess I don't want them because I know the process that it takes to make a child and I have no one to procreate with.  That and I saw these scary photos of children.  I swear to god it made me impotent.

4.  If you fancy yourself an artist, here's a fun game called iSketch.

5.  This sort of goes with #3.  I know one of things about having a family is having family vacations although in my family I can only remember one, maybe two vacations where we went someplace overnight.  I feel so deprived.  Anyway, here's some awkward family vacation photos.

6.  Did anyone here ever have a Glamour Shots at your local mall?  I remember one in a mall in Madison and it was just awful.  They had real life mannequins in the windows making poses.  It was just so weird.  Here's a collection of some hilarious Glamour Shots portraits.  I can't believe some of those are real.

7.  I should've posted these next three links last week but I didn't find them until it was too late.  Last Sunday was the Academy Awards show.  I actually thought the movies up this year were quite weak and that the winners wouldn't be memorable.  Well I don't know where I'm going with this but here's a collection of some of the worst Oscar winners.  The first one, Dances with Wolves, gets heat.  I like the movie but there's no way it was the best movie that year especially not when it was up against Goodfellas.

8.  Here's a collection of Oscar upsets.  I think this year's Best Actress award will have to be added to the list because everyone expected the woman from The Help to win but Meryl Streep snuck in and won it.

9.  Here's a collection of Where are They Now: Oscar Winners.  I have a feeling that the guy who won Best Actor will be on that list in a couple of years.

10.  This may be one of my new favorite Tumblr sites.  It's called Fuck Yeah Idiots on Facebook and it celebrates some of the idiotic behavior on Facebook.  I wonder if I should start one about Xanga.

11.  I grew had fun in the 90s and I can't believe people are so reminiscent of the decade already.  Here's a collection of photos that perfectly sum up the decade.  I can't believe people dressed like that.

12.  I think I've found my new social networking site that's going to make me close up Myspace, Facebook, Tumblr, and Xanga.  It's called JuggaloBook.  It's a social networking site for the underground family of Insane Clown Posse fans.  Yeah...I may have to rethink this.  If you want to read more about JuggaloBook, check out this article on Huffington Post.  This will not end well.

An empire divided against itself cannot stand.  Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?  With public sentiment, nothing can fail. Without it, only the Death Star can succeed.

America...hell yeah.

Well, ladies, I think it's come to that to get the message through.

Even better than the real thing.  Did you know Christopher Columbus made Macauly Culkin stare at a paint of The Scream for hours at a time to help him get into the role of Kevin McCallister?

Someone saw Conan O'Brien's twin sister on a subway.

Make that the unhappy train.

Such a happy family!

Not even I'm that harsh.

That is why I'd never be able to teach little kids.  I'd be laughing at them.


Fonz noticed.

Fonzie liked this post, why don't you?

Well here we are for a new round of tattoos.  Enjoy...see if you can spot the theme.

10 points for Gryffindor!

I bet that guy is up to no good.

I guess if you never go to college you need a school to call your own.

I don't know why but I find this tattoo utterly ridiculous.  I don't know why but I laugh every time I see it.

This is actually a pretty decent looking tattoo but I just wonder why have it.  I'd rather buy the DVDs because then when I leave my house I won't have to wear my love for Harry Potter.

That smug bastard.  Are we truly free elves?

I think this is the book illustration of Harry.  Wait, Harry Potter was a book?

I didn't think the series was about love.  I thought it was about revenge and sort of like Batman but with magic.

Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts....why?

Oh Dumbledore...it was so sad when you died but you will always live on in tattoo form.

The Golden Snitch...I wonder if this guy ever has people come up and tackle him trying to win the game and collect 150 points.

I actually like that saying.

That's the Harry Potter scar.  I'm surprised I haven't seen more of those.

I'm certain that's a Harry Potter symbol however it's from the Bible...1 Corinthians 15:26.  Holy crap, I bet that's making all the Christians who say that Harry Potter is Satanic collectively crap their pants.

These are the death marks or dark mark from the Harry Potter series.  I think the only death those guys cause is the deaths they wipe up with Kleenex.

Crucio and Imperio are the spells in the Harry Potter series that cause unbearable pain and cause the person to obey the caster.  Hmm that imperio command could come in handy for a guy like me.

Avada Kedavra is the spell in the Harry Potter series that causes an instant painless curse to whomever the spell hits.  Hmmm why do they have that on their knees?

Expelliarmus is the spell in the Harry Potter series that is used to disarm another wizard.  I wonder if he has ever had to use that in his real life like if someone comes at him with a knife or a gun or if another person at a SciFi Con comes at him with a little stick.

And soon it will be overtaken by the hairs...not the Bears...THE HAIRS!

I actually don't like this one.  The "G" is a little lopsided.  If you are going to tattoo greatness on your body then you should make sure it looks great.

I hope you enjoyed.