I have no clue what I’m saying 45% of the time so please tread lightly.

A teacher walks into a bar and a guy asks, “Can I buy you a drink?”  The teacher answers, “I don’t know, can you?”

A recent study revealed that everyone is a little bisexual but to different degrees and that I should find a better hobby than reading scientific studies.

Boomerangs are Frisbees for people without friends.

Nicki Minaj is a perfect example of what happens when multiple personality disorder is left untreated for too long.

I was so disappointed for the first year of my life because I couldn’t walk.

If you get seven years of bad luck for breaking a mirror, I think you should get a lifetime of bad luck for breaking a condom.

I’m like MacGyver when it comes to finding nifty ways to fuck up my life.

We always think we’re so advanced.  I bet in 1000 years some flying car insurance company will portray us as cavemen in their smellovision commercials.

Guys, you can create a black hole if you drink Dr. Pepper 10 and use Secret deodorant at the same time.

They always say, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat forever.”  I tried that and the guy said,“Hey, remember when you gave me that fish? It would be awesome if you gave me another.”

Sex is like a drug for me in that I have to pay for it.

Do Transformers get auto insurance or life insurance?

They say you can’t force people to love you but you can if you have a voodoo doll without pants.

I always thought I’d be a professional writer by now and I had given up on that thought until I went to Barnes & Noble and saw a book in the literature section titled “Girls From Da Hood”.  Now I have hope.

McDonald’s hamburgers have pink slime in them?  Well I’m still going to eat them.  I would eat their burgers if they were made from roadkill.  Why?  Because I’m loving it.

The last line of “To Kill a Mockingbird” (the film and the book) has played a huge part in the inspiration to be the best father I can possibly be.  I don’t think I could ever top Atticus Finch and I need to have kids but where was I going with this?  San Dimas High football rules!

Fun facts about Wisconsin: Wisconsin is second for the state with the most UFO sightings.  Wisconsin is the number one state when it comes to the production of meth.  I don’t think this is a coincidence.

Have you ever noticed how some historians speculate that certain historical figures were gay?  How and why would you study that?  Why would you speculate that the dead leader of the Nazis secretly craved penis?  Do they get paid for that?  If so I want money for these ideas: Catherine the Great had sex with horses, Julius Caesar was gay, and Genghis Khan was a sex addict.  PAY ME!

Is it possible to sell your soul?  I might consider selling mine if it meant having a lifetime supply of barbecue ribs or being forever with certain people.

Have you ever been talking to a girl and you let out that she looks like an actress you admire and then you realize you shouldn’t have said it because the actress is a porn actress?  This is what happens every time I talk to a girl.

Even though I don’t have one, I fear for the future of my uterus.

I went into a Barnes and Noble looking for a self-help book for men with small penises.  I asked the girl at the counter if they had the book despite not knowing the title.  She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”  I answered, “Yeah, that’s the one.”

I accidentally used the word “then” instead of “than”.  I now know what it’s like to feel imperfect. 

I have this disease where I want to marry every girl that is nice to me.

No matter how much I begged and pleaded, I still didn’t get the two things I wanted most in life in my Easter basket: true happiness and a wife…you know to sort of balance out my happiness.

I often get the dollar sign($) confused for the “no snakes allowed” sign($).

When people offer me a penny for my thoughts, I counter-offer with $1million and then from there we negotiate.

Money making scheme #873: Make random Xs on the ground and hope that a lazy pirate will bury his treasure under one of them.

I have slapped the snooze button so many times on my alarm clock that it should probably get its own Lifetime movie.  I was thinking the alarm clock was on the fritz because the radio would start up at random times and the clock doesn’t even have a radio.  I thought this was a nuisance until the other day I was masturbating and it played a song that went,“Let’s hear it for the boy; let’s give the boy a hand.”  I will never threaten to throw that clock away ever.

And your weekly dose of motivation:

I was trying to come up with the next joke and one of my cats jumped on the keyboard and it said “kiiiiiilllllllllllll”.  I will never sleep again.

I quit my job at the bank because every time I counted money my fingers would smell like cocaine and strippers.

They say you should never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes.  If you do that make sure you wear an extra pair of socks because athlete’s foot is nasty.

I think I am the only guy not interested in a threesome.  I guess I don’t want to letdown two women at the same time.  Then,what do you do during a threesome?  I’d probably just stand there and do jazz hands.

I asked the self-loathing windmill what he thought of windmills.  He said, “I’m not a big fan.”

If there was an Eagle Scout badge for “talking to a girl outside of the internet and your World of Warcraft game” then there wouldn’t be any Eagle Scouts.

Nobody means it when they tell me to have a good day and if they do they think that good is if I’d leave the planet for good.

Now that Facebook bought Instagram, there will be less nudity and more photos of food.  I hear they bought it for $1billion worth of fake Farmville farm land.  Am I the only person that is concerned that a FUCKING WEBSITE is worth $1billion?

My last girlfriend and I had a system.  If I was in the mood and was kissing on her,she would tug my penis once to mean she wanted to have sex.  If she didn’t want to have sex I’d have her tug my penis 50 times.  And when I was dating her I ate an apple a day because she was a doctor.

I got a Ouija board to find out if I’d ever find truelove.  It replied “H A H A H A H A H A HA.”  Obviously, it’s broken.  Oh well, at least when I’m alone, I’m only with one person who doesn’t like me.

Whenever I’m depressed and someone comes up to me and starts saying, “You know it takes 37 muscles to frown…” I yell before they can finish,“Yeah and it takes 72 muscles to say ‘Go fuck yourself!’ Well worth the extra effort.”

I’m not very athletic but I am graceful like a gazelle when it comes to running away from my problems.

On Xanga, people respect you when you share your deepest,darkest flaws.  Unless those flaws are filled with typos; then you must burn in hell.

New Xanga motto: Xanga, a place where you come to escape the assholes in your life only to be harassed by assholes you don’t know.

Whenever I post on Xanga, I imagine Slim Pickens riding it through the internet, waving his cowboy hat around, and yelling until it hits your inbox. 

With all the fat hate on Xanga, I get the feeling that if Marilyn Monroe had an account here everyone would make fun of her for being fat and unattractive.

If you really love someone, never introduce them to Xanga.  If you do, they will always give you the“What the fuck is wrong with you”-look every time you see them.

I think on Xanga, I’m the little annoying kid who thinks they’re friends with all the popular people but they don’t actually notice me.

Have you ever wondered how fucked up you were in a past life that you must endure all this Xanga drama?

Xanga is sort of like Las Vegas.  You can be whoever you want to be and people will think they are more important than they actually are.

Whenever I log in to Xanga I feel like there’s drama waiting to happen.  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I should leave this place and then Xanga would be drama free.  I think the reason there is so much drama is that we can’t sit on each other’s faces.

I sometimes feel that Xanga is a clique and I’m that weird kid who is not in any clique and thinks that I’m friends with all the cliques but they take pity on me because I’m nice but really strange to be around.  I do like to think I’m on good terms with most of you here.  Why am I getting all gushy like this?  I love you people.  You actually have done a lot more for me than you’ll ever realize.  OK enough of that mushy stuff…boobs.  Yeah, same old godfatherofgreenbay.