I wish I had Morgan Freeman’s voice. If I did I would follow random people around narrating everything they did and when they looked like they were annoyed I’d just move on to another person.
I hope I look as good as Steven Tyler after I’ve been dead for two years.
Sarcasm is my romance language. Yeah, sarcasm charms the panties off the ladies.
I’m so fat and ugly that I bet gay guys have more sex with women than I do.
With every new CSI show, the world loses another great song by The Who.
I go to Burger King so I can substitute onion rings for French fries. I go to the bar to substitute alcohol for the ability to emotionally connect to people.
When I sit down, my torso does an impersonation of Newt Gingrich’s face.
Remember years ago when there was an urban legend about Jamie Lee Curtis having a penis? Every time you saw her you wondered if she had a penis. Now, thanks to all those yogurt commercials,all I can think of is Jamie Lee Curtis regularly taking a dump.
I often worry that the FBI will search my computer and find evidence that I could be a Republican congressman.
When someone asks where you’re from never answer, “my mom’s uterus”. They tend to frown on things like that.
My grandfather once told me that I should never marry a woman with large hands because it would make my dick look small when she held it. I sure had a lot to learn when I was7.
Have you ever noticed that smelly people look like they even smell in photos?
MTV announced they will be making a new season of “Teen Mom”despite low ratings. It seems people are more interested in the auditions than the actual show.
You can tell Olive Oyl and Popeye never had sex based on how large Popeye’s forearms were.
Sometimes when I see all the empty scotch bottles, bags of chips, Twix wrappers, Skittles wrappers, and pill bottles, I wonder how I’m even alive.
Did you ever notice that Ashton Kutcher sort of looks like that guy on That 70s Show?
I was at the grocery store and a lady informed me that my fly was down. I replied, “Why do you think it’d be so sad? Would you like to cheer it up?” I got slapped.
You know that sometimes when people see little people they say, “I want to put that person in my pocket.” I wonder if little people look at people in wonderment and say, “I want that big person to put me in their pocket.”
If I had to pick one day to live, I’d pick today because it feels like an eternity.
In today’s day and age the best revenge you can get on an ex is by turning them into an internet meme.
It was Lady Gaga’s birthday last week and I wanted to celebrate properly so I went to Target to buy some Lady Gaga inspired items. They were out of pork chop scarves and toaster bras and pineapple shoes. The worst part was when I asked for these items the clerks at Target thought I was insane.
I have two stand-up gigs that I’m not so certain I’ll perform well at. The first is at a cricket reunion and the other is at a tumbleweed convention. How will I know they like me?
I expect more out of people than I probably should. Is it so demanding to ask people to bring me a case of Crystal Pepsi when they come to visit me?
I’ve started making my own art. I combine my horrible farting with glue and glitter. I think it’s performance art but every art critic says it’s “artsy-fartsy”.
I have a feeling that if gay marriage were legalized throughout America that the number of fraud marriages would skyrocket and that single guys would marry just like “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” just for health benefits and also to get out of marrying chicks. That makes no sense. I need more sleep.
I see the 15 yr old urban legend about the white woman refusing to sit next to a black man on an airline is floating around again. It is a touching story with a great moral but it's only a story just like the lone gunman theory.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
Justin Bieber’s new album is coming out as is every man who buys that album.
I don’t play the lottery; I spend all my money on booze and pills so technically I never lose.
“Do these pants make me look fat?” –girls who are good at asking rhetorical questions.
People sure are using Trayvon Martin’s death to their benefit. First, his family trademarks phrases about him. Next, rappers are selling special hoodies about him for protests. Then a friend of mine said this at the bar the other night, “Hey, girl,I’m from Orlando. That’s where Travyon was shot.”
I always hated telling off someone in an Italian household. I’d just want to scream,“Fuck you, Tony.” If I did I’d have to have an addendum, “Not you, you, you, you, or you, but you, Tony.”
You know it’s funny how many people say “forever alone” and yet have love while I sit here making my stomach fat talk.
Seeing The Hunger Games and asking why are there so many kids in this theater? I mean there were like 1st and 2nd grade kids there. What makes teenagers killing other teenagers a family movie? A five year old was crying throughout the whole movie because they thought they were going to betaken away. I sat in the back and I could hear her screaming. What is wrong with parents these days? My parents told me that Disney World burned down so there’d be no point in going.
When I was with my last girlfriend she wanted me to get some baby carrots for our supper but I didn’t hear her say carrots so I came back with a baby. She was furious because she was really looking forward to carrots. I was upset because I was out a couple hundred bucks.
Did you know saying “April Fools” when the police come to arrest you for phoning in bomb threats will get you out of trouble?
I think the smile is a dying art. I bet in 50 years people will make duckfaces at each other when they’re happy.
I sort of see my blog as Family Guy. It has its moments where it is funny but most of the time people are counting down the days until it goes away. Or I guess that could be The Simpsons too.
Well it looks like the people of America have forgotten about Joseph Kony and the poor Ugandan children that they were so passionate about for a week.
I have finally figured out the M. Night Shamylan plot twist. He’s been dead for his entire film career.
Friends are like balloons, if you stab them then they die.
It’s awesome how much people compliment my butt. It seems like every time I go around a corner I hear people say, “What an asshole!”
I voted in the Wisconsin primary today for a G.O.P. candidate. I voted for the only person I trusted. I wrote my name in for the nomination. I know I'm not old enough to be president but I know more than 95% of the assholes in Washington D.C.
I’ve found that people on Xanga who claim to be tolerant of everyone and everything are the first people to give you shit and cause drama if you have a differing opinion.
I have now figured out why there is Xanga drama. Reading comprehension is horrendous and some products of the public school system cannot read their way out of a paper bag. Seriously, it’s bad. I’ve heard adults sounding out words like they’re in first grade and I’ve experienced people on Xanga not being able to understand my comments even though I clearly state my position in the comment. It’s really disturbing. If adults are this bad, what is the next generation going to be like? Whole language can tongue my balls.
“Thank you for stating your opinion on Xanga.” –no one
I think people enjoy watching drama play out on Xanga because they don’t have much of a life outside the internet. Well it’s time to log into my other account and write about how Obama is the worst president ever and how Nixon was truly underrated.
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