You've probably heard about Bill Clinton appearing in Monaco this past week and having his photo taken with a couple of porn stars.  It got me thinking...Bill Clinton is the man and is such a pimp.  He is the Commander of Pimping.

The guy really has it.

Well it got me thinking.  We laud praise upon Chuck Norris but we fail to recognize all that Bill Clinton has done for the world so here are some Bill Clinton facts.

• Bill Clinton once told Chuck Norris "I feel your pain" and Chuck Norris turned to dust.
• Bill Clinton does not know you personally but there's a 99% chance he feels your pain.
• Bill Clinton once hosted the Grammy's and he gave every award to the Marshall Tucker Band.
• Bill Clinton was the fifth Beatle, the tenth member of the Fellowship of the Ring, and he wrote Primary Colors but being the humble person that Bill Clinton is he just shrugs and says, "aww shucks".
• Bill Clinton is ranked #15 in the AP Football poll.
• The only thing that can beat Bill Clinton is Spaghettios but the Constitution has strong outlines against canned food products running for office.
• Bill Clinton ejaculates tax reductions for the middle class.
• Bill Clinton was the hardest-working President of the United States and the hardest working-President of the United States.
• The distance from the earth to the moon can be measured with Bill Clinton's penis.
• The cartoon Scooby Doo is based on Bill Clinton's early days as a lawyer.  The only difference is that all the people in the gang were hot chicks and instead of running from monsters Bill and his harem of hot chick crime fighters had orgies.
• Bill Clinton knows how to cheat at every single video game ever made but he doesn't need to cheat because he's so good.
• Bill Clinton is worshiped in small islands all over the Pacific.
• Bill Clinton can hit home runs without using a baseball bat.
• Bill Clinton has a self-lubricating penis.  Why do you think they called him Slick Willy?
• Sometimes when the moon is full, Bill Clinton turns into a rabid bear and he deals with Congress harshly when they won't pass his bills.
• The BP Oil Spill is a metaphor for Bill Clinton's sex life.
• Human beings are 80% water.  Bill Clinton's body is 80% semen and 20% liquid gold.
• Bill Clinton once drank a glass full of LSD and fell asleep for 6 straight months.  When he woke up, Bill said, "I prefer vodka."
• Bill Clinton's semen can form into a liquid human like the guy from Terminator 2.
• During his time as president, Bill Clinton was on a strict diet and got 95% of his daily protein allotment from performing cunnilingus on the interns.
• Every time an American masturbated, Bill Clinton lowered the national debt by $1.
• Bill Clinton can make a woman climax simply by smiling and winking at her.
• Superman wears Bill Clinton pajamas.
• The Big Bang is always worried about losing it's name whenever Bill Clinton invites multiple women to his house.
• Bill Clinton was the inspiration for the movie "Predator".
• Bill Clinton is so brilliant he can eat an unsolved Rubik's Cube and crap it out solved.
• Bill Clinton jumped off the Empire State Building and all he got was a sprained ankle.
• Bill Clinton framed Roger Rabbit.
• If you put a phonograph needle on Bill Clinton's nipples it will play Al Green's "Let's Stay Together".
• Satan sold his soul to Bill Clinton for a tax cut.
• Bill Clinton's family crest is a photo of Johnny Cash riding a barracuda that's eating an elephant
• The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Bill Clinton but changed to planting apple trees instead of having sex with women.
• Bill Clinton is the actual Pimp of the World
• If you play "Stairway to Heaven" backwards you will hear Bill Clinton's inauguration speech.
• The video game Grand Theft Auto is based on Bill Clinton's childhood.
• When Bill Clinton gets pulled over for speeding, he lets the police officer off with a warning.
• All of Bill Clinton's genes are dominant.
• Bill Clinton's poop is used as currency in France.
• Bill Clinton became a vegetarian not because it's better for his heart or because he loves animals.  Bill Clinton despises plants.
• Bill Clinton doesn't teabag people, he potato sacks them.
• Bill Clinton wants the people of Wisconsin to vote for Tom Barrett.
• Bill Clinton is the definition of "is".

So are there any facts about Bill Clinton that you've heard that I missed?

In Arizona,the grass is always rockier on the other side of the fence.

Where are all those death panel jobs that Sarah Palin promised us?  Why isn’t Obama lowering unemployment with more death panel jobs and deaths from his healthcare mandate?

Did you know that circuses are the number one form of entertainment in Japan?  Why else would they choose to make their flag a close-up of a clown’s face?

I dream of a world where you can order a Bud Light and you get a low calorie strain of marijuana and not a glass of water.

I’d like to see an episode of Maury where Luke Skywalker comes on wanting to find out who his father is and when Maury says Chewbacca isn’t the father then Chewbacca would do a wicked cabbage patch dance.

I don’t know what to feel about watching a “Feed the Children” infomercial and seeing that if you send money they will send you at-shirt that is available in XXXL.

Is TLC still “The Learning Channel” or because of all the shows about little people is it now “The Little Channel”?  But I think it is time to accept facts and realize that midgets will never be called little people no matter how many shows are on TLC.

Have you ever noticed that in some zombie movies there arezombies that are stitched up?  Who is giving them medical attention?  Are their zombie doctors?  Do zombies fall under the scope of veterinary medicine?

I’ve always wanted to be surveyed for Family Feud so thatwhen a question is “When is your bedtime,” you’ll be able to tell meanswer.  It’s always going to be “Giant floppy donkey dicks”.

Overheard at school: “Did you know Elton John wrote a songcalled “Candle in the Wind” and it’s about Marilyn Manson?”

Sometimes I feel like a foreskin.  Cut off, forgotten, unwanted, and thrown away.

My life seems to be a bigger mistake than giving Scot Baio his own reality show.

People say I’m quirky. I guess that makes me just like Zooey Deschanel except I’m filled with hate and curse way too much and am quite ugly and fat.

I was in Walgreens the other day and saw that they had condoms in a section called “Family Planning”. It should be labeled “Family Preventing”.

Sunny D has announced that they are changing their drink recipe so it will no longer taste like urine.

If you didn’t grill some sort of dead animal on Memorial Day then you’re an unpatriotic asshole.  Go to Canada, hippy!  I also hope Soulja Boy isn’t areal soldier because I don’t want to remember him on Memorial Day or any day.

The NBA is considering lowering the hoop from 10ft. to 9ft.so that there can be more non-black players and the league will be diverse.

The best part of waking up is that moment when you realize you cried yourself to sleep because the only person that seems interested inyou is mentally handicapped and once threatened to stab you with a knife at achurch function.

I think that carving Mount Rushmore was impossible.  I bet that guy just discovered it and told people he carved it because come on.

A friend of mine announced that his sister gave birth to a baby boy and they gave him the middle name “Danger”.  That kid is now cooler than me, you, and everyone on Xanga combined.

Do you ever think hipsters will become racist and say they are just displaying moments of retro hate?

The Miami Heat could be playing a game against the Taliban and I’d cheer for the Taliban.

When I die, I hope Xanga creates a scholarship in my name.

They say a good potty training tool for boys is a big plastic ring that floats in the toilet. It doesn’t work.  I still piss wherever I want when I’m drunk and that is probably why I can never grow any flowers.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

The best thing about hot weather is that attractive people wear less clothing but the worst thing about hot weather is so does everybody.  It seriously is amazing how little clothing some people wear to Walmart. I was there for a while when it was 95 this weekend and I saw more boobs in that hour than I have in all of 2012. Also I saw a girl changing clothes in the parking lot of a Kwik Trip.  I never realized how pathetic my life has become until I was aroused at a girl changing her clothes in her BMW.

A gay guy, a black guy, and a Jew walk into a bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you gentleman” because that bartender isn’t some sort of dick that would deny service to people based on orientation, race,or religion.

I was thankful I finished everything on my “To Do” list today.  It was just a doodle of a bottle of beer and a set of breasts.  My “To Do”list for tomorrow seems tougher.  I have to tell my second-best friend that he’s really my third-best friend.

I heard a girl say “chivalry is dead” this weekend.  She’s right. It pretty much died when girls started dating assholes.

I was upset that the last time I visited Detroit no one challenged me to a rapbattle.  Sure, I was shot at but no rap battles.  I had some mad rhymes about fettucini alfredo that I was going to spit out.

I should really clean out the Cheetos that are behind my bed not because I want to be clean but because I don’t want to eat them in a fit of depression.

I’m pretty sure people who listen to Jimmy Buffett listen to him because they are too lazy to listen to anything else.

I love my reciprocating saw because it loves me back.

I like to stab straws into boxes of wine because it makes me feel like a kid again and reminds me of drinking juice pouches.

Something misogynistic.

I think the best way to turn on a girl with a sext is to send her a photo of your credit card.

I hate when girls complain about me having an ugly face.  You’re just going to sit on it so why do you need to look at it?

The last girl I dated liked to have sex while we listened to the stereo.  She left me when I played my autobiography on tape.

One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for awhile until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.

My secret to losing weight this summer?  Driving around in my car for an hour without the air conditioning on and the windows rolled up.

The first time you ever say “music is crap these days” you have become your parents.

I sometimes feel that some people on Friends Lock who come to my site yet aren’t my friends are the same type of people that go to a BYOB barbecue with two beers and then drink everybody’s beer and then crap in the pool.

Does anyone else smell vodka, gonorrhea, and desperation when they open my Xanga page?

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Xanga it’s rape abortion Christianity racism circumcision feminism.

In the beginning, you use Xanga as therapy.  At the end, you’re addicted to Xanga.  Somewhere in the middle you see a bunch of Xangan boobs.

If you’re offended by something on Xanga there’s really no reason to announce it.  From what I’ve noticed is that if you’re offended by something and announce it then that person will go out of their way to offend you all the time.  It’s just Xanga.  It’s the thing we use all day, every day which ironically holds no monetary value to us.

No animals were harmed in the creation of this post.

What a day...I went out to my cousin's farm and helped chop trees that were downed in the storm and then I came home to plant some tomatoes and then I went to a greenhouse to get some more plants and then I had to help my parents go out to all the cemeteries to decorate family member's gravestones and then I had graduation this evening and an afterparty.  I'm pretty much exhausted but not exhausted enough to forgo this.  I love you, my reader, and no I'm not going to get all sappy and start writing about my love for different ethnicities.  Boobs.  Time for the round up.

I hate Tim Tebow and this story reassured my of my hatred for him.  Timmy went to a Broadway product of Rock of Ages and after the show he went backstage and had his photograph taken with some of the actresses who played strippers.  Well the photo showed up on the internet and Tebow threatened the people who posted it with legal threats because he thought the photo ruined his reputation of being the Christian boy with the crewcut.  So Tim freaked out because he had his photo taken with pretend strippers.  I guess it's fitting since he's a pretend quarterback.  Maybe I'm just harsh because of the media beast that is ESPN seemingly has their proverbial lips applied to his figurative taint.

This may be the most exciting story for me this week.  There is a site named Vulture reporting that Zach Galifianakis is being offered the role in a potential adaptation of A Confederacy of Dunces.  The film is still in the planning stages but the person who is behind this adaptation is the co-creator of The Flight of the Conchords, James Bobin.  I love that book and many have considered it to be unadaptable.  There have been some alleged curses behind other adaptations.  It's interesting reading through some of the people who were pegged to play Ignatius...John Belushi, John Candy, and Chris Farley.  One of the last rumored adaptations was written by Steven Soderbergh and was supposed to star Will Ferrell as Ignatius.  Well it never made it to filming but they performed a live reading at a film fest.  Some other reasons it hasn't been made are the devestating effects of Hurricane Katrina on New Orleans, disinterest from movie studios, and the murder of a Louisiana film commissioner.  I hope this can finally be made.

Sofia Vergara has been posting photos of her vacation on Twitter.  Apparently she's on vacation in Anguilla.  According to wikipedia, Anguilla is a one of the many British overseas territories in the Caribbean (British Virgin Islands, Cayman Islands, Montserrat, and the Turks and Caicos Islands being the others), and is the most northerly of the Leeward Island in the Lesser Antilles. Having no direct taxation on either individuals or corporations, the island has become a popular tax haven. As throughout the Caribbean, holidays are a cultural fixture on the island. Anguilla's most important holidays are of historic as much as cultural importance - particularly the anniversary of the emancipation (previously August Monday in the Park), celebrated as the Summer Festival. British festivities, such as the Queen's birthday, are also celebrated.  And if you didn't read that...BOOBS!

I guess it's out of the bag now and Snooki will have a baby boy.  I am now taking bets on what his name will be.  My bets are Guido Shore or Pickleino Valtrex.  In the magazine, Snooki talks about how most pregnant women have an overactive desire for sex but not her.  She said of her boyfriend, "Our sex life is hardly there! I just feel too icky and gross.  I’m so not in the mood to do stuff."  Wow, her boyfriend Jioni hit the jackpot.  He'll have to interact with her for the next 18 years and he doesn't get sex at the drop of a pickle any more.  But the thing Snooki and I finally agree on are that she's icky and gross.

After a two year battle with colon and liver cancer, Robin Gibb passed away at the age of 62 this week.  Things were looking up for him.  He was recently released from the hospital after coming out of a coma caused by a severe case of pneumonia.  Man, the disco ball is almost finished spinning now that Robin Gibb and Donna Summer have died.  I can't really say anything bad about this guy because no matter who you are or how old you are, you have probably heard or even sung a Beegees song.  Robin will be greatly missed.

Paris Hilton was at a party at the Cannes Film Fest this week and she was sporting a dress that she bragged cost her $12,000.  So slave away at your job, live on the street, collect cans, forage for food in dumpsters, and save every cent you can afford and then maybe you can have a dress like Paris Hilton, a dress she'll probably only wear once.  THE AMERICAN DREAM!

Mr. T turned 59 this week.  I always thought he was older.  Maybe it just feels that way because the A-Team was so long ago and it's been remade into a movie.  Mr. T also should've invested his money better because if he could've kept his gold just imagine how much he'd be worth today with the high gold prices.  He wouldn't have to sell products on late night infomercials.  Oh and I think Mr. T is awesomer than Chuck Norris because Mr. T facts are better.  There is no such thing as gravity.  Mr. T just pities everything and it stays on the ground.  Birds and planes are exempt because they are shaped like Ts.

Morrissey turned 53 this week.  If you've been reading this blog for the past couple of years you would know of my interest in Morrissey's bitchy behavior.  And one of the greatest examples of what a douchebag he is is last year after the tragic shootings in Norway, Morrissey said this: "We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown, with 97 dead [sic].  Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried shit every day."  I hope he had a happy birthday because if I don't wish him a happy birthday he'd probably compare me to Goering and the Holocaust.

Lee Daniels is directing a movie called The Butler.  It's about a butler in the White House who served under 8 presidents from 1952 to 1986.  The butler will be played by Forest Whitaker.  This week it was announced that Minka Kelly and Matthew McConaughey will be playing Jackie and John Kennedy.  The movie will also feature Cuba Gooding Jr., Oprah, Lenny Kravitz, Alan Rickman as Ronnie Reagan, Jane Fonda as Nancy Reagan, and John Cusack as Nixon.  I think that casting McConaughey as JFK is the biggest shit move in movies.  They have a guy with a thick stoner southern drawl playing JFK with his Bostonian accent.  Terrible accents aside they're going to spend a lot of money on make-up to make these people look like who they're supposed to be.  To save money, Daniels should've rented out Disney's Hall of Presidents.

Miley Cyrus dressed in the uniform of her future career at the Billboard awards this week.  She's going to be a nurse in a porn movie or a time traveler who travels back to the 70s to be a cougar at a swingers key party.  Chrissy Teigen tweeted this about Miley: "Miley looks bangin. Her boobies brought me back."  I can't disagree and we'll look at more of Chrissy's tweets later but damn, I have to admit she is looking the best she's ever looked but she's only 19.  And Miley also had another stop on her "Garsh, Look at Me and My Dang Ole Boobies, I've Dun Growed Up" Tour.  She was on a show called The Conversation.  Miley got pontificating about sex.  She said, "I was talking about this at dinner last night.  The girls that really base how much they’re worth on the sexual favors they can do for somebody, that makes me really sad. Because sex is actually really beautiful. It’s the only way we create, and it’s the only way the world keeps going.  It’s ignorant not to talk to your kids about it or not make it seem as magical or cool as it actually is.  Kids have a TV, so they know what sex is. So educate them and let them know … it’s a beautiful thing, and it is magic, and it’s when you connect with somebody.  And it isn’t how much you’re worth. Your worth isn’t based on that, your worth is based on how you feel about yourself.”  First she's talking about science when she tweeted: "The amazing thing is that every atom in your body came from a star that exploded" which was directly followed by "God I LOVE Kid Rock. Bawitdaba."  Now she's advocating sex and sex education.   Is she trying to make the Bible Belt explode?  I bet everyone believed that the Cyrus family were good Christians who pounded on their Bibles and loved being on TV.  And did she just say she was magical in the sack.  Geez, Miley better stay out of Mississippi otherwise they may burn her at the stake.  Bawitdaba.

Michelle Rodriguez was spotted frolicking at Cannes.  You know when I first saw this photo, you probably don't want to know what I thought but then I thought, "wow, a real life Barbie doll...no genitals."

Michael McKean is currently working on a Broadway production titled The Best Men.  He was walking in Manhattan before a production and he was struck by a car.  He was rushed to the hospital and at first the hospital had him listed as critical but later they upgraded his condition to stable.  He suffered a broken leg.  His publicist said that he was hurt but would be OK.  It was also the first time McKean ever missed a curtain call.  If it happened in Manhattan, they better get Law & Order to investigate.  I bet it was the understudy who hit him.  I want Detective Stabler to crush some skulls only to learn that the real criminals were Laverne and Shirley and Squiggy.

I don't really watch So You Think You Can Dance because what they call dancing I see as being involuntary out of control spasms.  But from what I've seen, Mary Murphy is one wild person who I can't tell if she's really hyper or she's snorted a pound of coke.  Well it may be the coke because she's being sued by her former manager for breach of contract when she fired him in 2010.   In the lawsuit, Michael Sanchez states that he became her manager in 2006 and stayed with her even though she was a nightmare.  Sanchez makes it sound like Mary Murphy is the reality TV version of Lindsay Lohan.  He claims that Mary is a desperate, cocaine-fueled nymphomaniac.  Why can't I meet those women?  She regularly had sex with male contestants on SYTYCD.  Security at her home had to break in because she was unconscious after doing too much cocaine.  During a trip to Australia, Michael claims he found Mary in bed with a producer from SYTYCD with a pile of cocaine on the nightstand.  She violates game show and FOX rules by coaching her favorite dancers.  Michael also claims that Mary stole Paula Abdul's move of filling her glass on the judge's desk with alcohol and Mary was routinely drunk during filming.  So basically, Michael Sanchez is accusing Mary Murphy of being a dick-crazy, coked-up, hiding booze nymphomaniac.  And here's all the proof I need.  Will these rumors make me watch So You Think You Can Dance?  No.

Mark Zuckerberg got married last weekend.  He married his girlfriend of 9 years, Priscilla Chan.  Mark wore a regular suit, Priscilla wore a prom dress, he gave her a simple ruby ring, and Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day performed at the reception.  If I was a new billionaire and I got married, my wedding would've been at Culver's and they would've had every flavor of the day for my guests especially the Cherie Amor Amaretto.  Coco would've performed the ceremony and then I'd have Van Halen sing "Ice Cream Man" at the wedding right after we are declared husband and wife and then The Pixies would play the reception and our first song would be "Gigantic".  And all guests would be given baskets of puppies and kittens.  Well...I'm not getting married ever because who would want me but a guy can dream.  I sort of wish I could've crashed that wedding because I would've loved to hear Mark tell me that it was a private event.  "Oh you mean private, not like Facebook?"

Leonardo DiCaprio is renting out his beach house for the summer.  In case any of you are interested here's some photos of the house.  The only downside is that the price is $45,000 a month.  For that price I better get Leonardo as a butler and all his women as my concubines.

Parental groups and conservative groups have their panties in a wad over Kristen Stewart's new movie On the Road which is a film adaptation of Jack Kerouac's opus.  Parents are upset because they took their children to see Kristen in Twilight and apparently Kristen is some sort of role model but in On the Road, her character engages in a threesome and masturbates two male characters.  The head of the Culture and Media Institute, Dan Gainor said this: "In the film On The Road, Kristen Stewart engages in a threesome and masturbates two male characters according to reports. How will parents who took their daughters to see the Twilight movies explain this? It is irresponsible of Stewart and manipulative of Hollywood bosses to deliberately try to destroy any sense of decency these actresses might have taught young people.”  the guy went on to talk about six other young women who went on to be very naughty on screen.  Do conservative parents really think that when you let your child see a film starring an actress, you must then let them watch every single film that actress makes?  If that's the case I can offer a simple solution. 

Josh Hutcherson of The Hunger Games is getting on the nerves of his Hunger Games co-star Jennifer Lawrence.  He's constantly begging her to go out to supper with him and he's getting really annoyed when she turns him down.  But isn't that sort of like the actual storyline of The Hunger Games?  Anyway, Josh, you're trying too hard.  Pull back the reigns, sweetie, there's plenty of girls swooning over you because of this whole Hunger Games movie that are willing to let you take advantage of them.  There's a fine line between being aggressive and being a stalker.  trust me, I'm an expert.  The Hunger Games is a pussy magnet for you so back off Jennifer Lawrence, she's a co-worker and that could be construed as sexual harassment and once again there's a fine line between being aggressive and sexual harassment.  Trust me, I'm an expert.  I thought I'd leave you with a quote from the Dali Lama.  He gave this advice to me when he was visiting Madison.  I'll never forget it so heed this words: "Don't shit where you eat, asshole.  Now get your fat fucking feet off my fucking robe, you damn rube."  Such wisdom!

I know a lot of you like The Big Bang Theory.  My mom and dad do and they sit down and watch it every Saturday night on TBS for like 5 hours.  My dad can't remember the name of it so he calls it "The Science Show".  My mom can't remember the name either and she calls it "How I Met Your Mother part 2" or "That show with the weirdos who act queer".  My mom is from the generation when "queer" meant "strange".  Well it turns out that Jim Parsons is queer in a different meaning.  well this week he quietly came out of the closet even though it was sort of obvious in some of his acceptance speeches for awards he's won.  A biography for his role in the Broadway play Harvey said he's gay and has been in a relationship for ten years and he's 40.  OK, I am not shocked about the gay part but 40?????!?!?!?!  Wow, I need to know what science shit he's done to make himself look like he's in his early 20s.

Gregg Allman of the Allman Brothers Band was on Pierce Morgan this evening to announce that he has married for the seventh time.  One of those marriages was to Cher and that marriage was pretty much summed up on Family Guy when Allman said that to relieve stress he did drugs and married Cher and he would advocate neither.  At age 64, Greg has said he has finally found true love with his 24 year old wife Shannon Williams.  I was thinking of inducting Shannon into the Gold Diggers Hall of Fame but this marriage makes financial sense.  In one year, Gregg can order off the senior citizen's menu and his child bride can order off the kiddie menu.  Gregg had this to say about Shannon: "That's not what she's becoming. She's becoming wife number one. I don't have a wife. Haven't had one for years."  You hear that noise that

And speaking of Cher, she turned 66 this week.  Now for my yearly Cher joke...when Cher blew out the candles on her birthday cake all she wished for was if she could turn back time.

Chrissy Teigen was at the Billboard Awards this week and she spent a lot of time on Twitter.  During Chris Brown's performance she tweeted, "Why sing when you can dance?"  Nailed it but since fans of a mentally unstable lunatic and emotionally stunted child with rage issues are batshit insane as well as their idol, Chrissy received a lot of hate on Twitter.  Hate is a light word.  She received death and rape threats.  Team Breezy tweeted gems like: "all you do is talk s**t, you need to be raped and murdered.","killyoself bitch ur nothing but tall thats why you model. your nothing.", "ditzy dumb ass tramp your mother should've aborted you.", "i hope you are the next 'celebrity' to die", "you have the brain capacity of a turtle, just die.", "I wish George Zimmerman woulve shot ur annoying ass instead of poor Trayvon Martin", "Casey anthony shouldve buried u in her backyard instead. Sad that Caylee had to go and ur still here being a dumb bitch."  Well Chrissy took to Twitter and said this after all the threats: "Reallllly makes me sad that 99% of the most disturbing comments come from young girls. I'll end it there but it make me sad. I have some screen caps. And I will do everything I can to make sure people know, internet or not, you CAN'T say this s**t."  Then the bitch, Chris Brown, weighed in: "Love y'all!  Team Breezy! Lets stop sending death threats! I know y'all bout that life but it's the wrong message! Ur turning haters into victims!"  Do I really need to run down the reasons why Chris Brown is a sociopath in a denim jacket?  If you're openly threatening to kill a woman so you can defend a sniveling little bitch like Chris Brown who almost beat a woman to death while he gladly sits back and gloats over his fans sending death threats, you really need to ask yourself why you're a Chris Brown fan.  You may want to take a deep breath, step away from the computer, and go visit a battered women's shelter.

Bob Dylan turned 71 this week.  I don't think I need to say anything about his legacy.  I'd just like him to finally tell me how it feels to be a rolling stone.

Bill Clinton was in Monte Carlo this week and had his photograph taken with some porn stars.  The old pimp still has it.  The girl around his right arm is Tasha Reign who is best known for her work in "Farm Girls Gone Wild" and the girl on his left arm is Brooklyn Lee who is best known for her work in "Mission Asspossible".  This guy will not have the legacy of overseeing one of the biggest growths of the United States economy but he will be forever known as getting a beej from an intern in the Oval Office.  And you know what, he's not going to do a thing to change that because if he did, he wouldn't be able to surround himself with porn stars.  Nobel Prizes be damned, this is how you conduct yourself once you leave office.

Adrianne Curry has boobs and access to a free and exponentially growing social media website that allows people to post photos.  God bless Twitter!

The new Zac Efron and Nicole Kidman movie, The Paperboy, made its debut at the Cannes Film Festival this week.  Many critics have declared that it is a massive piece of crap.  Wait...change that to...a warm hot stream of piss.  The movie is about two guys, Efron and Matthew McConaughey, investigating the case of a deathrow inmate, John Cusack, and a sex-crazed woman, Nicole Kidman, obsessed with Cusack's character.  Well at one point Efron and Kidman go for a romantic swim in the ocean and Efron is stung by a jellyfish.  They come out of the water and Kidman pushes Efron down and then urinates on him and they show the stream and it was 100% real.  The only film critics that have enjoyed this movie are Chuck Berry and Kim Kardashian.  And I can't wait for Nicole Kidman's Oscar clip of her urinating on Zac Efron.

The X-Factor started filming this week in Austin, TX and the "drama" has already started.  Apparently, Britney walked out of an audition and claimed she was going to quit because a contestant dared to sing a Britney Spears song and make it sound worse.  Really?  How could anything sound worse than something Britney sang?  So they went to commercial break and acted like it was a huge deal and the show was hanging by a thread and would not be able to go one without Britney.  The show did go on and a few contestants auditioned while Britney was "quitting".  It turns out she was just using the bathroom but Simon Cowell and the producers on the show have wanted her to be the dramatic force behind the show and she'll be doing things like that throughout the filming of the audition stages and even more staged moments will happen once they go live.  But when they go live, I'm expecting Britney to rip some wicked farts and that will embarrass the hell out of her so she'll have to run backstage.  That makes sense since her demands for food in her dressing room is as follows: 34 Herve Leger bandage dresses, 12 Snickers bars, 6 cases of Diet Coke, 10 bags of Doritos, 12 vases of magnolias, 10 pieces of fried chicken, 4 pints of potato salad, 1 manicurist, 1 facialist, and 1 massage therapist.  Why would she need a manicurist?  Oh yeah, to file away all the Dorito dust off her fingers.  I was thinking of offering my services as a facialist until I realized that a facialist probably has to wipe her mouth of all the tater salad and fried chicken.  That actually seems sort of tame but to be safe they better just move in a 7/11 into her dressing room.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  If this isn't too offensive please comment and rec.  If this is too offensive please comment and rec.  Time to go drink some drug cigarettes and drink some cups of alcohol beer.

A nice set of storms rolled through here around 7PM.  They were pretty intense.  At least the wind was because there were several times I thought my roof was going to be ripped off.  My cats were scared and were huddling next to me.  It was sort of funny actually because every time I would move they would jump about two feet in the air.  I never understood the term "fraidy cat" until I got these cats.  Anyway, I'm hot and tired and stressed and whatever other adjective I want to throw in...not that anyone reads this because bliggity blam links.

1.   I should've posted this around Christmas time but I hate that you can only post things at a certain time of the year.  If I want to post something referencing a mall riot at the Mall of America in May then I'm going to and I don't care, well I initially cared but in those few words I grew a sac and now you can read about 7 people you meet in a mall riot.

2.  Some of you who've been following me for a while know that I like cats.  Well here are 6 bits of cat behavior that are considered adorable but have sinister meanings.  It's interesting.  My cats do the bringing me animals but they are stuffed.  They also bring me plastic straws.  Then on of the cats rubs her paw in a petting motion on my arm when she wants to be petted.  I need a life.  Will you marry me?

3.  Here's a collection of things you don't want to hear a woman say.  I'd actually like to have a woman talking in my house right now.  It'd beat the voices I hear in my head.  They're all masculine.

4.  This is a celebrity Tumblr for Mike Nelson, one of the creators of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and one of the performers on RiffTrax.  I am such a nerd.

5. This is a Tumblr supposedly written by Dr. Sheldon Cooper of The Big Bang Theory.  It's basically the jokes from the show so if you watch the show you pretty much know what this site is although some of Dr. Cooper's jokes of the day are groaners but funny nonetheless.

6.  This Tumblr is called Doctor Puppet and it's a collection of photos someone takes of a Dr. Who puppet.  I know some of you are Dr. Who fans so I thought I'd share that.  I don't watch it.  I remember seeing episodes back in the 80s and 90s on PBS and watching them with my dad and having no clue what was going on.

7.  I know some of you sell stuff on Etsy and I've posted interesting items for sale on that site before but this collection of sports related items may just be the best stuff I've ever seen there...well besides the stuff you sell.  I so want the Macho Man dictionary print.

8.  I used to post a lot of stuff from 27/6 but I haven't and I've been sitting on this article for quite some time.  It chronicles the 10 formal complaints the author received in 6 months.

9.  If I ever had kids, I would learn how to knit just so I could make them this baby Link outfit.

10.  A lot of people and shows have been talking about this new line of candles by Yankee Candles called Man Candles.  They are scents geared for men.  Well Father's Day is around the corner but I honestly don't know many guys that would want a candle that's supposed to smell like grass.

11.  I heard about this artist a while back.  Her name is Kristen Cumings and she "paints" with a unique media.  She uses jelly beans for some of her art.   Those are the most delicious paintings ever.

12.  A while back, in a celebrity round-up, I mentioned how Octomom was working for a chatline where you could call her and talk for $14 a minute.  Well that site is called Dial-a-Star and I was perusing the "stars".  I don't think I've heard of 75% of the people they call stars. 

Some of these photos may be deemed NSFW

So I was surfing around People of Walmart today looking for a story about a Walmart in Minnesota.  Well I decided to check out the Wisconsin tag to see if I was in there.  Well this isn't me but it's someone I know.  Scout's honor.

well NFL practices have started and ESPN has become Tim Tebow Rules Network.  I don't get the infatuation with him.

The Dundler-Mifflin family portraits have arrived.

Someone told me that you can see something besides a steaming cup of coffee.  I can't.

mmmm....bleach...drool

Wisconsin is so racist

Peewee Herman...Rodney Dangerfield...David Lee Roth...damn right that was an awesome party.

Yes, if you pull out you'll never have to buy toys or diapers.

Things get rather frisky at the end of camp term dances.

Oh if I explain this we're going to be here a hwile.

Have a good night.

It's time for another edition of tattoos.  These are more of the tattoos I found when asked to find tattoos of certain people.




Hitler...really?  Well I guess it's not that bad.  I once stumbled upon a Tumblr site run by a girl who has sexual fantasies about Hitler.  I honestly would like to meet the person who tattooed Hitler on their body.


Oh...Charlie...it would've been awesome if they included a paperclip with the word "BADNEWS".


@TheSutraDude asked about this tattoo...it's a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.  Now the fantasy of Tattoo tattoos is complete.

George Costanza...suggest a tattoo and a threesome.

I don't know if I'd trust that tattoo to perform surgery on me in a combat zone.

Mickey Mantle...he was a drinker so maybe that explains the looks of that tattoo.


Julius Caesar...I thought these were the same but they are actually different tattoos. 

Jack Daniels...I wonder if I strangled the tattoo I'd get the secret recipe.

Wyatt Earp...he's going to pop a cap in some cowboys tattoo.

Doc Holliday...this tattoo is your huckleberry.

Bat Masterson...something clever about the Old West.

And for the jazz aficionados out there...or maybe I should make that singular...it's Django Reinhardt, the greatest jazz guitarist of all time.  We all know Emmet Ray is the second greatest jazz guitarist of all time...MOVIE REFERENCES FOR THE WIN!

Harry Caray...I was hoping the Cubs would've played today so I could've written "Cubs win!" about 100 times with this tattoo.  Harry was one of those announcers that was so memorable for me.  I sometimes watched the Cubs just for him and to hear him sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".  One of the things I hated and loved about Harry was his storytelling.  He'd get into this story and he'd draw your attention and then it turns out he was actually telling it to whomever was in the booth with him and then Harry would say well I can't say the rest on air so I'll finish it during the break.  So when I'd tell stories with friends and someone would come by during the conversation I always said, "I'll finish it during the break."  Some of my other memories: I caught a Cubs spring training game and Harry was bitching about the facilities and how the stadium didn't have a press box and he was relegated to sitting near the dugout and all he had was a card table.  He then went on about being next to an inflatable can of Pepsi on his left and an inflatable can of Mountain Dew on his right and all he wanted was an ice cold Budweiser.  Then Harry showed his ignorance or racism in an interview with Hideo Nomo.  Nomo was taking the league by storm with his crazy pitching style and who better to interview him than Harry Caray, a guy who wasn't even a master of his own language.  Harry started talking about how pitching was different in America and he then asked if Hideo had a hard time seeing home plate because of his slanted eyes.  The translator didn't know what to say.  Both Hideo and Harry looked at the translator who then said what Harry had said.  Hideo's mouth dropped and said something about that attitude being present at the time of World War II and how many people underestimated the Japanese.  Harry died a peculiar death.  He was on a Valentine's Day date with his wife and he fell and hit his head on a table and he never regained consciousness and had a heart attack in this hospital a few days later.

I hope Jesus forgives this person for that tattoo.

I hope you enjoyed.

A few weeks ago I was asked about what beers I enjoy and I replied that most of what I enjoy is brewed right here in Wisconsin so I thought I'd take you on a tour of some of my favorite brews.







The New Glarus Brewing Company is probably my favorite brewery in the state.  I think Spotted Cow may be my favorite beer of all beers.  There are so many good beers that this company produces and I had to narrow it down to these.  The Belgian Red and Raspberry Tart are fruit beers and come in champagne glasses.  They are quite good.  The sad thing is they no longer make my favorite beer called Coffee Stout.  It was the perfect breakfast beer and went so well with cinnamon rolls.  I would load up the back of my blazer with many a case of Coffee Stout to bring back to college.


Next up are two beers from Pearl Street Brewery.  They are the That's What I'm Talkin' 'bout Organic Stout and Pearl Street Pale Ale.  I was introduced to these beers at a bar in beautiful La Crosse, WI called the Bodega Brew Pub.  This bar boasts a menu of 400 beers.  I originally went in there because I was driving through town after being at a hospital visiting my dad and passing the world's largest 6 pack of beer, I saw a neon sign advertising a brewery that was in the town where I attended college.  I stopped in so I could have a Schell's and the bartender suggested I try the Pearl Street beer after I finished my Schell's.  Those were the only two I tried that day because La Crosse has a serial killer that likes to get young athletic men drunk and then he takes them and drowns them in the Mississippi River just a few blocks from all the bars but that's for another post.


Next up is the Sand Creek Brewery out of Black River Falls.  I only included two of their beers, the Cranberry Special Ale and the Groovy Brew.  Cranberries are a huge crop in this part of the state and now they have found their way into beer.  It's actually quite tasty.  I don't like cranberry juice but I love cranberry ale.  Groovy Brew is a special brew made with special yeast.  I have never had a beer quite like it.


Next up is the Tyranena Brewing Company located in Lake Mills.  These are the only beers I drink from them, the Stone Tepee Pale Ale and the Bitter Woman IPA.  Tyranena is located between Madison and Milwaukee and they sometimes put out a special beer called Brewers Gone Wild.  It's a limited edition beer that the brewmaster makes.  One year they put out a Bitter Woman from Hell Extra IPA.  That was one of the best beers I've ever had. 


Next up is the Lakefront Brewery in Milwaukee.  I tried to replace the New Glarus Coffee Stout with Lakefront's Fuel Cafe Stout but it's nowhere near as good as Coffee Stout.  They recently announced a beer called Wisconsinite that will be brewed with only ingredients found in this state.  I like that idea but when I saw the promo photos and what the glass was garnished with...well I was intrigued.
  
Up near the border with Michigan is where Black Husky Brewing is located and this jewel, Sproose Joose, is a double IPA brewed with spruce.  Like the label says, it is quite aromatic and aggressive.



The next brewery is the Potosi Brewing Company.  Potosi is in the southwest corner of the state.  When I was at my first high school, we played against Potosi and at that time there was no brewery.  The Potosi brewery ran from 1852 to 1972 and then closed.  A restoration project started around the time I played against Potosi in football.  The guy who spearheaded the project must've known I'd be a beer drinker all those years ago.  After years of work he had the brewery operational and in 2008 the National Brewery Museum opened.  The only thing is, I dislike the flagship beer of this company, Good Old Potosi Beer.  The kinds I have enjoyed are Snake Hollow IPA, Cave Ale, and Steamboat Shandy, a beer brewed with cane sugar and lemon juice.  I have another Potosi beer in my fridge called Fiddler.  I think by the time I'm done with this post I will have to go crack it open.

Next up is the Sprecher Brewing Company.  One of my favorite experiences surrounded Sprecher.  I went there for the bachelor party for the Croatian Sensation and we drank Sprecher and we drank Sprecher and we drank Sprecher and we ended up at a bar shouting insults at a guy who played keyboards for The Violent Femmes.  Sprecher has many fine beers but I think the product they produce that I enjoy most is their root beer or their cherry and cranberry pop called Ravin' Red.


Next up is Point Brewery located in Stevens Point.  You can sort of tell I am sexually frustrated by the beer I drink.  I remember going to a wedding near Point Brewery and I had never had either of these beers so I bought about 3 cases of each to take back to my place in Minnesota.  I felt like I was the Bandit from Smokey and the Bandit.

The people at Minhas Brewery in Monroe give us Lazy Mutt Ale.  When this beer came out there were so many commercials on the Madison TV stations and some of the commercials were pretty funny and others were bizarre and some attacked Spotted Cow.  I remember the dog attacking a cow and that was supposed to tell us that Lazy Mutt was better than Spotted Cow.  Well I haven't seen Lazy Mutt on tap in any bar in this area and Spotted Cow is on tap everywhere.  Another interesting thing about this beer is that the bottles had fewer ounces than a regular beer bottle so instead of a six pack you got an 8 pack.  It all equaled out the same amount of beer but it was just in two extra bottles.  Monroe is quite a town.  There is another brewery there called the Joseph Huber Brewery and they produce a pretty good beer but after Hurricane Katrina they also brew for the Dixie Brewing Company.  Monroe is also popular for their cheese.  So popular that the high school team name is the Cheese Makers.  There is one cheese factory in Monroe that is the only place in America that makes Limburger cheese.  So the next time you visit Monroe, eat the cheese and drink some beer.

This beer is the Houdini Honey Wheat from the Stone Cellar Brew Pub in Appleton.  I first went to Stone Cellar for a wedding rehearsal dinner for my friend Skinny Wolf.  It was such a wild time.  We were drinking beer from so many different breweries that weekend but I remember this one.  It was quite tasty or maybe I'm thinking of Dick Brau brewed in a little brewery in Hortonville that was located next to the only bait shop/beauty parlor/welding supplies store in the state of Wisconsin.


These fine beers are from the Ale Asylum Brew Pub in Madison.  Spotted Cow better watch out because Hopalicious is my second favorite beer and could overtake Spotted Cow in the top spot at any moment.  I first came into contact with this brewery through the Mad Town Nut Brown which was part of a beer club at a bar in my second hometown, Wisconsin Dells.  This bar had a list of 75 beers that you had to drink from Memorial Day through Labor Day.  At 25 beers you got a free meal at the bar, 50 beers got you a t-shirt and 75 got you a hoodie.  Mad Town was on that list.  That was such a great summer spent drinking beer with Skinny Wolf and his bride.  I first had Hopalicous at a rap concert at the High Noon Saloon.  The show was for albino rapper Brother Ali and it was a 4/20 show.  Skinny Wolf and I bellied up to the bar and drank beer and listened to rap and then when Forest Whitaker played we jumped around.

Next is the Capital Brewery in Madison...well technically Middleton but it's all Madison to me but don't tell anyone from Middleton that I said that.  Island Wheat is brewed with a special wheat from an island named Washington Island which is off Door County.  The wheat has distinct characteristics because of the climate on the island and those characteristics create a unique beer.  Supper Club is what they call a typical American lager and is supposed to take us back to the days when the supper club was in vogue.  Whenever I sip it, I remember the Gobbler restaurant, a restaurant outside of Madison near Watertown, WI.  It was shaped like a turkey and had a rotating bar on the inside.



Next up is the O'so Brewery in Plover, WI.  Once again, you can tell I'm sexually frustrated by the beer I drink.

This is Furthermore Brewery in Spring Green.  You know what else is in Spring Green?  Taliesin by Frank Lloyd Wright so you know this is some good beer.  I have no clue what that's supposed to mean but they do produce a good beer even though they don't have a brewery.  They started brewing in small batches but couldn't keep up with demand so Sand Creek Brewery brews for them.  They have a property in Spring Green that will one day become the brewery.  This beer, Fatty Boombalatty, is a bitter Belgian wheat that tastes somewhat like an IPA.  Another beer they make that I enjoy is called Fallen Apple.  It's an apple cider brewed with a cream ale.  The beer initially tastes sweet and then you get a tart flavor from the apples.  It's so good.  This gives me ideas for what I want to do with my apples one day.



I do enjoy the Leinenkugel's and these are my three favorites.  I won't spend much time talking about them because they aren't a microbrew any more.  The Leinie's site has taken it down now but they used to have a page of mixes of their beers like half a glass of Sunset wheat mixed with half a glass of their Berry Weiss.  Those always made for some interesting pairings.



And finally, here's the Horny Goat Brewing Company.  They give us Horny Blonde, Horny Goat Wheat, and Baby Got Bock.  I hope you appreciate the photo of the Horny Blonde.  You don't want to know all difficult times I had searching Google for a Horny Blonde.  Once again..sexually frustrated.

Just imagine the fun we could have at a Xanga meet-up in the happiest place in the Midwest.  Time to crack open that Fiddler.

If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love.  I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food.  But they’re so tasty.

My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse.  I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.

I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.

I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day.  I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.

They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.

When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.”  Either way you’re still dealing with shit.

If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.

I like to tell myself that the reason I’m single is because girls are intimidated by my love for Taco Bell and fear they can’t compete with that.

I was in a Chinese restaurant this week and I heard Sarah McCaughlin’s “Arms of an Angel” song and all I could think of was abused dogs and then slowly I lost my appetite.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat at a Chinese restaurant again.

Now that Facebook has gone public I don’t know if I want to be there anymore because I’m sure I’ll be able to see what people do with their Farmville animals late at night.

I’m waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of a bush and tell me my entire life has been a prank.

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness.  If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.

You never see missing kids on milk cartons anymore.  I guess we found them all.  I credit Pokemon’s influence on this generation.  Gotta catch ‘em all!

You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America?  No, not that one but the other one.  No, not that one either.  The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian.

I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he always tried to tell me knock-knock jokes.  He got pissed off and stopped being my friend because I always ignored him.

I once microwaved a Hot Pocket for 20 minutes instead of2.  I now have a clone of Gary Busey wreaking havoc in my community.

I was listening to “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen and every time I hear the chorus I can’t help but think the song is about a hitman learning how to become an arsonist.

Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”?  Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.

New pick-up line-ish thing: You know how Medusa turned men to stone when they looked at her?  Well when I look at you certain parts of me become hard as stone.

I’ve thought it was pretty interesting how all the girls say to me “I bet you say that to all the girls.”

3 out of 5 Americans still refer to the Vice President as“What’s his name” and have no clue what he does other than get to decide where they order take-out from on Thursdays.

Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers“Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.

My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me.  Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.

If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.

With the recent deaths of Donna Summer and Robin Gibb,Gloria Gaynor is treading lightly because apparently Death is booking talent from a themed nightclub.  You know, for something that happens to everyone, people sure do get shocked when someone dies.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth.  It’s amazing how little clothing some people at Walmart wear in public.

True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.

There aren’t enough songs about love.  We need more!

They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend.  Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence.  If your lady is silent during a blowjob then he’s doing it wrong.

I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones.  Hollywood,hit me up!

Have you ever had the feeling that Dog the Bounty Hunter is what it would look like if Guy Fieri was cast in a remake of Mad Max?

Whenever I see someone with a cellphone clipped on their belt, I approach them, extend my hand, and congratulate them on owning a cellphone.

If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.

I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes.  I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.

My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.

7-11 has announced that they are serving kosher Slurpees.  I guess I know where I’ll be going when it gets hot and I want to pick up some Hasidic hotties.

I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.

I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.

Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me.  You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer.  I love you so much.

The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.

Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga.  Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do.  Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.

Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.

Xanga is just like a playground.  There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun.  Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.

Considering yourself to be the most popular person on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.

Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously.  More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.

I regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.

Class, I sort of forgot to do you last assignment so this will be the last assignment for the school year.  Good luck.

Here's your final:

A. 
  

B.
  

C. 
 

OK, answer two of the three questions.  Make sure you answer them thoroughly.

Get to work.

Here's my answers:

A.  I would be a bird on Flursday because Flursday doesn't exist.  I am afraid of birds so I wouldn't want to be one on any day of the week.

B.  I would hope Bruno Mars would catch the grenade for me.

C.  OK, here's how my weekend went.  Saturday morning I get up to go fishing.  I buy the highest SPF sunscreen I could find...SPF 70.  We get to the lake I apply said sunscreen and then I fish.  I didn't catch any fish but I did catch a bird.  As I cast my line out a bird flew into the line and got tangled  and thankfully it freed itself.  Then a while later I got my lines tangled together and had to fix them and then I got snagged as I was casting and couldn't find my line and I lost a nice lure.  Well at the end of the day I go in and realize I am sunburnt even in an area where I applied sunscreen.  I hate my skin.  I wake up Sunday and it's hot as all get out and I break out in a sweat while getting dressed.  The guest pastor at my church was a college classmate and his wife was there and they have three kids.  I am single.  My mom asked if I wanted to go with her and my aunt to a home improvement store.  I figured it'd be nice to get out and not wallow in my loneliness.  I decided to stay in my aunt's van so I could nap because I was worn out from my fishing and sunburn.  I fell asleep and my head is hanging back and I wake up suddenly because something startles me and I bang my head on the roof of her van and I gave myself a concussion.  I was knocked loopy and I had no clue where I was.  My mom sees me and I'm bleeding on my forehead and she asks me what happened and I told her I can't remember.  Well once I loaded up the half ton of mulch and soil they bought and then unloaded it at my aunts house and loaded it into my mom's car and unloaded at my mom's house I went to the hospital, yep, I had a concussion.  Well I go home and then wake up at 6 because I had to go to the hospital for tests.  Maybe that wasn't totally ridiculous but I thought catching the bird was bizarre.

Well it's been a fun "school year" of doing these.  I hope you enjoyed.  I thank you for all the work you put into my site.  Now I think I'm off to ice the lump on my head.

I alluded to something in my Celebrity Round-Up about this post.  It's famous people with cats.   This pretty much sums up what I do around here. #caturday

Bob Dylan

Spock

Freddie Mercury

Adrien Brody

Jay Cutler

Jesus

Ann-Margaret

Brian Eno

Brooke Shields

Mila Kunis

Eva Longoria

Mariah Carey

Anthony Perkins

Audrey Hepburn

Carole King

Cee-Lo Green

Christina Applegate

Marlon Brando

And now some funny ones...or at least I think so.

And then I went fishing today and I think I'm the only person who could go fishing and not catch a fish but yet catch a bird.  And of course I caught myself a few times for good measure.

Ugh
And now it's time for the celebrity round up

In the worst-kept secret in Hollywood, FOX had a presentation in L.A. this week unveiling the new judges on The X Factor.   Joining Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid will be Britney Spears and Demi Lovato.  I think they should rename the show The WTF Factor.  I mean I wrote about Britney taking over back in February so everyone knew that she was going to be on the show but Demi Lovato...wtf?  I mean Simon had Chaka Khan and Janet Jackson throwing themselves at him to be a judge on that show so he picks Demi Lovato.  I bet it's because she's younger and he likes younger women.  It's rumored that Britney will be receiving $15million for her appearance on this show.  There's going to be no shortage of crazy on this show and I think Simon will have to keep a straightjacket under the desk.  I also hear that Britney's and Demi's dressing rooms will be padded and there will be no sharp objects or chicken wings anywhere in sight.  This should be a fun season.

I had never heard of William Levy until he was on Dancing with the Has Beens Stars.  I know a lot of women are going nuts over him but a story came out this week about him that could change your mind.  An aspiring actress named Grace Roubidoux talked about their escapades.  She said that he chatted her up and was flirting with her and then talked about all the women he's filmed having sex with him and then he started showing her the videos he kept on his phone.  He then tried to talk her into filming a sex tape with him.  When she wouldn't agree to filming their sex, he laughed it off and had sex with her anyway without a camera.  Grace said the sex was magical and that he was the epitome of Casanova.  I'm throwing up.  He's sort of a forward bastard.  He went right for the sex tape without a long relationship.  I have to wait for at least the one year anniversary or the vodka to kick in...whichever happens first.  So this guy has game.  How often does showing a woman a video of you having sex with another woman work?  How classy!  I wish I had that game but then I'm chasing after supermodels and soccer moms and not hotel hostesses who claim they are aspiring actresses and fans of Dancing with the Stars. 

Trent Reznor turned 47 this week.  I really loved this guy's music.  I'm sad he hasn't put much out in the past few years but he has kept working with music in that he's working on soundtracks.  I'm still amazed that he won an Oscar for his work on The Social Network soundtrack.  I remember when I was in high school and college how some people, including myself, had the goal to collect every single halo of his work.  See he called his musical releases Halo ___ and then the number.  They were numbered by order of release and any collector could neatly organize their Nine Inch Nails collection.  I think I only got halfway through because I could never find the singles discs.

Tina Fey turned 42 this week.  I don't know what to think of this woman.  There are times when I love her work and then there are times when I loathe her.  Oh well...she knows how to take a photo.

Elisabetta Canalis filmed a publicity stunt with Sacha Baron Cohen to help promote The Dictator.  They frolicked on a yacht that is owned by Cohen's fictional character general Aladeen and then she looked at his junk and then he tossed her off the side of the yacht in a trash bag.  I doubt she knew this was a publicity stunt.  Just a few months ago she was sleeping in George Clooney's Italian villa and then she was sleeping on Steve-O's couch and then she is thrown off the side of a yacht.  Going from Steve-O to a murderous dictator isn't that much of a step especially not when your rent is due.

Robert Pattinson (left) turned 26 this week.  I know all you Twilight lovers just love him in that movie so this is for you.  I'm not much of a fan of his acting because I've only seen two of his movies and one is Twilight.  The other was Water for Elephants and I really dug that movie but I think that's because of the ties to this area with the Circus World Museum and Ringling Brothers.

The National Enquirer is reporting that Raven-Symone is a lesbian and is in love with a former contestant on America's Next Top Model named AzMarie.  They said that AzMarie has moved in with Raven while Raven is doing her run on Broadway in the musical Sister Act.  hmmm that's moderately Raven.  Raven didn't like the report and took to Twitter to state her opinions on what they wrote about her: "I'm living my PERSONAL life the way I'm happiest. I'm not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I'm dating. and I shall not start now. My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I'm datings to know. I'm not one for a public display of my life. However that is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I'm not harming anyone. I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!"  OK she's been in showbiz for 25 years?  I feel so old because I remember her on The Cosby Show.  Light being made from love?  Isn't that from the Care Bears?  Oh, that's so Raven.

Paris Hilton went to an opening of a nightclub in Los Angeles and she wore this provocative plunging neckline shirt.  What's that?  Paris just went to the airport?  Oh she's a whore.

Miley Cyrus was in Miami this week and she was spotted hocking a loogie off her balcony.  Residents of Miami were confused when they felt it raining but there weren't any clouds in the sky.  Billy Ray was confused when he say this photo because he thought Miley was a swallower.

Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth adopted another dog last week.  This is the fifth dog that they've adopted.  Miley took to Twitter and said that they named this dog Mary Jane.  Well I guess it's fitting for Miley since she likes marijuana.  Mary Jane is a better name for a dog than some of the other things she enjoys like Billy Ray or Moonshine or Chocolate Penis Cake.

So this movie about male strippers opened this weekend.  It's called Magic Mike and it stars some guys who shed their clothes.  Are any of you ladies planning on seeing this?  I was going to say that if you wanted a date I could accompany you.  I'm sort of at the point in life where I can tolerate chick flicks if it means companionship.  I am so alone.

A while back there were rumors circulating that a high ranking member of the "Church" of Scientology was leaving the group.  Well Lisa Marie Presley's new album contains a song that may be a song about her break-up with L. Ron Hubbard and Xenu.  It's called "So Long" and it goes like:

This here is a city without lights
Those are all the people without eyes
Churches, they don't have a soul
Soup for sale without a bowl
Religion so corrupt and running lives
Farewell, fair weathered friends
I can't say I'll miss you in the end
So long, seems that I was so wrong
Seems I wasn't that strong
Dead wrong, and now I'm long gone
Wrong side, I've been sleeping on the wrong side
Stains all over my soul I can't hide
Nothing's more clear than goodbye
These roads they don't lead to anything
These people they talk, they say nothing
Actors who don't have a part
Heartfelt people with no heart
I'll find a new crowd
Make a new start
Farewell, fair weathered friends
I can't say I'll miss you in the end
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, say nothing at all if you've nothing nice to say

Lisa Marie's publicists haven't responded to claims by the Village Voice that she left the church but another former alien worshiper, Jefferson Hawkins, said this: "I think it expresses how a lot of people feel when they leave Scientology -- they have realized that it is a corrupt church, and is trying to control its members, micromanage their lives. They realize that it is a church without a soul."  I'd rather hear a goodbye to Scientology song being a long, wet fart into an e-meter but this will suffice.  Scientology has had a pretty bad month with this break-up, the John Travolta accusations, and Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages.

Lindsay Lohan is telling people that she's serious about her role as Elizabeth Taylor and wants to start over.  She's really serious this time folks.  She's actually dressing herself and putting on her own make-up.  Also she's been screening every single Elizabeth Taylor movie she can get her hands on.  And she's even went to talk to people who knew Taylor including two of Taylor's ex-husbands and her former hairdresser.  Lindsay's trying to prove all the Hollywood honchos who said she had no future wrong.  The joke's on you, Hollywood honchos, because this movie will be the best rating Lifetime Network will ever have.  This movie will be The Avengers of basic cable movies.  I guess to compare the two you'd have to replace Thor's hammer and Captain America's shield with a rolled up dollar bill and a glass table.  Actually I have a feeling that this movie will end so badly that Lifetime Network will end up making a movie about the making of the Elizabeth Taylor biopic.  I'll even donate the title: "Fucked Up: The Fall and Slight Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan -- starring Lindsay Lohan and a pile of cocaine".

52 year old Linda Hogan broke up with her 23 year old fiance Charlie Hill this week.  This makes me so sad.  If Linda and Charlie couldn't make it, then who can?  There is no hope for the rest of us.  This is bad timing for Charlie because who will drive him to the Boy Scout Jamboree now?  Maybe he can convince Betty White to give him a ride if she's not to busy trying to resurrect NBC.  You know, it seems like every chapter of Linda's life has been written by Stephen King and now I wonder who she'll terrorize next.  Judging by her tan, my guess is she's going to get attached to some Oompa Loompas.

Even though Leonardo DiCaprio has never won an Oscar for best actor, he's a very smart man when it comes to movies.  They are currently casting for a new movie called "The Wolf of Wall Street" and supposedly they are casting for a female part that requires the female to be completely nude.  The actresses have to wear sexy lingerie for their casting call and Leonardo has been present at all the casting sessions and then when they find a potential actress they ask her to do a scene with Leonard but she has to do it completely naked.  The guy is genius.  He's getting to see all these chicks naked and after he gets his jollies he tells them, "thanks for coming but we're going to go with someone else."  This is what it means to be on the A-List.  Leonardo DiCaprio is now in Johnny Depp area even though he doesn't have the range of Depp.  We all know Leo will be a plumber and lay pipe on whoever gets that role and there's no shame in that but the shame comes in is when you have to do it in front of the director, producers, writers, agents, key grips, cameramen, and catering crew.  I'm surprised Lindsay Lohan hasn't signed up for that role.

Ke¢ha actually looks good here and no longer looks like a steaming pile of garbage.  It's amazing what HAZMAT can do for a person.  I may have to start replacing the ¢ with a $. 

Hey, Kendra Wilkinson, what's with the sudden modesty?  Remember when you posed naked in the pages of Playboy?  Why wear something to cover your bikini?  Remember when you slept with an 86 year old man?  Yeah, why the modesty?  You aren't fooling anyone.  We know you want to walk around naked and sleep with old men.

So this is what Katy Perry looks like now.  It looks like she got the goth starter kit at Hot Topic and all that's missing is the coffin shaped lunchbox and torn up Cure t-shirt.  When you have a kick ass body and the ability to hoist up your rack to your neck, I have no idea why she'd look like this.  I wonder if Russell Brand's semen contains some sort of poison.  Maybe Katy is just dressing like that because she is the official face of Hot Topic.  I just hope all the other celebrities don't start picking on her because she looks different.

Kate Gosslein was planning on hosting a cruise on Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas from August 12 to 19.  For $1,900 to $3,200 people could go on the cruise, attend a welcoming ceremony hosted by Kate, attend a Q&A session with Kate, have their photos taken with her, and do crafts taught by Kate herself.  The cruise was set to start and end in Fort Lauderdale and go to Jamaica, Cozumel, and Haiti.  Yes, that Haiti, the poorest nation in the Caribbean and the Western world.  Oh and apparently August is during hurricane season.  I wish I could've told you about this sooner because who wouldn't want to drop $3000 so they could spend time on a boat with Kate Gosslein.  Well Royal Caribbean canceled the cruise because of poor ticket sales.  I want to say only 15 people had booked for the cruise but I think that number is too high.  I had to find the most flattering photo of Kate for this story.  Here we see her mimicking what it's like to give me head.

What are you doing over summer break?  I bet none of you are doing anything as awesome as John Waters.  The 66 year old filmmaker is hitchhiking his way across America.  A band called Here We Go Magic were driving in Ohio on their way to their next show and they saw him walking along the side of the road.  The band tweeted about the experience and it sounds like it was quite a fun time.  I'd love to have Waters in my car just to talk with him about his films.  My guess is that this may be some fodder for a new movie or a new book.

Poor John Travolta...he thought his problems had ended when the first sexual harassment lawsuit against him had been thrown out because the dates were wrong but it was just re-filed.  He currently has 4 lawsuits thrown against him and a couple of the victims have hired Gloria Aldred as their lawyer so John is going to have some explaining to do.  Also one of the most disturbing things about this is that this week a suicide note from a botched suicide attempt that Jeff Conaway wrote in 2006 mentioned how Travolta molested him.  Conaway wrote that in the 90s Travolta was visiting Conaway and he woke up to John Travolta performing oral sex on him.  I don't know how much I believe that because the two sources that "revealed" this suicide note were The National Enquirer and Conaway's ex-girlfriend Vikki Luz who if you remember anything about Conaway's last bits of acting was just as drugged up as him.  But then it might explain why their friendship ended when they had been the best of friends after being co-stars on Grease up until the 90s.

Former teen heartthrob, Joey Lawrence, has a new gig.  He has signed on to be a stripper for Chippendales.  He says his show will including singing, dancing, comedy, and the whole nine yards.  I guess he didn't make a lot of money while working on Blossom or that sitcom on ABC Family that lasted a few episodes.  Oh well, a check is a check.

In a post pregnancy interview with In Touch Weekly, Jessica Simpson admitted that she had a c-section because of how big her baby was.  She also claims that she gained 80lbs during her pregnancy.  Hmm I wonder if she's just jacking that number up so her deal with Weight Watchers looks more dramatic when she sheds the pregnancy pounds.  Also in the interview Jessica has started calling Maxi a butterball turkey.  Oh how nice.  But Jessica should be elated because that little Butterball has fetched her $800,000 for exclusive baby photos.  The funny thing is that the amount she's getting paid is no where near the amount Matthew McConaughey received ($3million) or Jennifer Lopez received ($6million).  It's still an obscene amount of money for something that looks like an alien being to me. 

George Lucas turned 68 this week.  He celebrated his birthday by butchering the original Star Wars trilogy once again.  This time he's added Jar Jar Binks into every scene and added 25 seconds of additional nonsense.

Donna Summer passed away this week at the age of 63 after a battle with lung cancer.  She believed that she got the cancer after inhaling toxins in wake of the attacks on the World Trade Center.  Donna had quite the career.  She sold over 100 million albums, had 11 gold and platinum albums, fourteen top 10 singles, 4 #1 singles, and 5 Grammys.  I know a lot of people have said that disco is dead well THE voice of the disco era is now dead.  Donna Summer will be greatly missed.

Courtney Stodden had a photoshoot this week and in the photoshoot she channeled Bo Derek from the movie 10.  I guess this makes sense since nothing about her is original and she's already done photoshoots as Pam Anderson and Marilyn Monroe.  If you want to see more of the shoot click here.

Chris Brown was spotted flirting with a girl in L.A. this week.  He pulled up to her in his SUV and got her phone number and took a photo with her.  This girl has to be the bravest person in the world.  She probably fights tigers and sleeps in a bed filled with cobras and spiders because she obviously has no concept of fear.

Even though Chloe Sevigny feasted on Vincent Gallo's real dick for the movie Brown Bunny, she had issues with wearing a prosthetic penis for the movie Hit & Miss.  She said wearing the fake dong made her cry.  "I cried every day when they put it on. I felt very exposed… having people so close to your personal parts anyway -- who you're not sleeping with -- for an hour-and-a-half each day, to put it on. Then looking in the mirror... it was weird. I was lonely and I felt really unattractive. I was confused about my desirability -- was I desirable? -- in having put that on, and having men see me with that on.  I think it might be one of the most extreme roles I've done. If people can believe what's-her-name in 'Avatar,’ hopefully they can believe me as a pre-op."  In the movie Hit & Miss Sevigny plays a male-to-female pre-op transgender assassin.  Maybe Chloe was crying because wearing a rubber schlong all day made her realize how hard it is for transgender people trapped in a body.  Or maybe Chloe is just being Chloe and using her mouth to do stupid shit.

Charlize Theron is gorgeous and she's one of those beautiful people who try to convince us that she was ugly as a child.  Charlize is saying that she had jaundice as a child and it left her without any teeth until the age of 11.  She said this in an interview this week: "My early childhood was quite devastating. I had no teeth until I was 11.I had these fangs because I had jaundice when I was a kid and I was put on so many antibiotics that my teeth rotted. They had to cut them out. So I never had milk teeth. That was tough, you know, being in school having photos taken while I was pretending I had teeth. It was hideous."  What's worse, having no teeth or some janky teeth?  Whatever, she's rebounded nicely.  She can claim she had no legs until she was in Devil's Advocate and I'd probably buy it.  The only thing I'm worried about is young girls knocking out their teeth so they can end up looking like Charlize.  Also think about this new Snow White movie she's in.  She plays the wicked witch and Kristen "I Have No Facial Expression" Stewart plays Snow White.  I think I'll be rooting for the wicked witch and by "rooting" I mean "furiously masturbating".

Brian Eno turned 64.  He's one of the great composers of rock and one of the great collaborators.  Also this is a preview of things to come for Caturday.  Stay tuned.

Here's a first look at Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs in the Steve Jobs biopic.  To me Ashton looks more like Ashton Kutcher as Ashton Kutcher.

Abe Vigoda is still alive and he's 91 years young.  Abe was out this week for a young lady's roast.  That young lady was Betty White.  If you're ever wondering whether or not Abe Vigoda is alive or dead, here's the Abe Vigoda status page.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.