So where was I?  I really don't know.  I had a lot of issues that all seemed to explode all at once....parents' health, my health, horrible weather killing off trees and plants, being depressed, dealing with issues in my life, dealing with issues in church and fallout from an event, sick of seeing this place being abused, sick of seeing hypocrisy, sick of life, sick.

It’s always nice to see so many people on Xanga undermining their education or employment.  Kudos to you!  Now leave me eprops.

I was driving on the freeway recently and saw a homeless guy in the median.  I don’t know why there was a homeless guy in the median of the freeway but he gave me a thumbs up so I must’ve been driving like a boss.

I was hired to coach a drinking team this summer and the slacker on the team said, “Oh I suppose you’re here to tell us ‘There’s no “I”in “drunk”!”  I said, “Yes, there is,son.  It’s the exclamation point and after I whip you into drinking shape you’ll be just like it, wasted and laying face down in the gutter.  No get out there and chug 5 beers!”

I don’t know why girls wear bras when they have me.  I’m very supportive.

Why do they make black and white jelly beans?  The black ones taste like the tears of orphans and the white ones taste like the souls of the damned.

I’ve often wondered how they could put the Nine Inch Nails song “Closer” on a Kidz Bop album.  The original lyrics are “I want to fuck you like an animal”.  I bet the Kidz Bop lyrics would be “I prefer Pudding Packs to Danimals”.

It’s sort of interesting to think how when someone dies everyone becomes the deceased’s friend. It’s sort of upsetting to know I’ll have more friends when I die in a couple of months than when I lived and that is why I have it stipulated that my funeral will have a velvet rope and a doorman to only let certain people in.

Blink 182 is such an inspiration.  All their lyrics about getting blowjobs from your mom and grandfather and fucking dogs in the ass really struck a nerve and have saved me.

Lately I’ve felt my Xanga has sucked so much that I’ve thought about changing my name to “Hoover”.

I always love when a girl I try to talk to stops me mid-sentence with, “You strike me as the type of guy who masturbates on Chatroulette in his spare time.”

Earth Day was sort of useless because all the commercials and use of the internet to get the word out increased electricity usage.  Also on Earth Day, Wind and Fire sit in the corner and pout and write emo rock for their side project.

How is there an Ice Age 4 movie?  Shouldn’t they be dead by now?  How is that movie made and an adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” not a movie?  I just want to see "American Gods" made because some awesome scenes would be filmed near me.

I usually assume all people hate me until they tell me they like or love me and then I assume they’re lying.

I am the participation award personified.

I got thinking about the character Catwoman recently.  I think she picked “Catwoman” instead of“Dogwoman” because who wants to be a super bitch?

I think I may have to start eating at McDonald’s more often now that they offer alternatives to the Happy Meal such as the Apathetic Meal,the Existential Crisis Meal, and the Depressed Meal.

I haven’t had sex in such a long time that I’m pretty sure I could beat a gorilla in an arm wrestling match.

Whenever people say “friendzone” I think of a giant calzone that is so big you have to share it with friends.

I got kicked out of a mattress store today.  The salesman asked if I wanted to buy a mattress and I said I had my choices narrowed down to two.  He asked how long I needed to make my decision.  I said, “Well, I think I need to sleep on it.”  Apparently they hear that joke every ten minutes.

I hate how cops are always interrupting my life of crime.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Things are looking up for President Obama and bad for LeBron James.  Unemployment numbers are receding like LeBron’s hairline.  I wrote that a while back and that was before Obama handed Romney the election today by committing troops to Afghanistan for another 10 years.  Good work on throwing the election and keeping your promise to remove troops in your first term.

I think one of the reasons why I’m single besides the obesity and the poor health is that whenever a girl takes me to meet her parents I usually blurt out, “I’ve licked your daughter’s nipples.”  I’m not a bad boyfriend; I’m just a horrible person.

I guess everyone is going crazy for this new band One Direction.  I sort of find it ironic that their name is One Direction since most of them look like they go both ways.  I’m going to try to start a One Direction cover band but I can’t find anyone that sounds like a six year old girl when they sing.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t that big of a surprise.  You should wait a month or two after their birthday to surprise them. I’m expecting my friends to throw me one heck of a surprise party soon since most all of them forgot my birthday this year and there won’t be another.

I like to think that cats have their own internet and there are epic stories of how I create water and food and they post photos of me on Matturday.

Every guy thinks the perfect woman is 36-24-36.  That’s not true.  A perfect woman is 20-30-40.  She has the body of 20 year old, looks like a30 year old, and has sex like a 40 year old. She also has to consider me handing her her purse when the bill comes at a restaurant to be an act of chivalry.

I hate people who say “expresso”.  I hate people who say “ESSpresso”.  I also hate people.

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you won’t like me at my best since there’s really not much of a difference.

I sort of feel bad closing my browser after I’m done masturbating.  I probably should learn to cuddle afterwards.  I don’t usually masturbate more than once a day but when I do I’m overcome with happiness.

I asked my grandfather where babies come from and he took me to a carnival and showed me the game where you shoot water in the clown’s mouth until the balloon rises.

I have a girlfriend. OK, she’s a girl who is just a friend. OK, so it’s just a toy dinosaur.

I bought new tires for my car.  I hope the old ones are edible since they’re all I’ll be able to eat for the next couple of months.

I don’t always fantasize about stabbing people with a broken beer bottle but when I do it’s Dos Equis.

Apparently the Obamas paid off their student loans just 8years ago.  Of course he had awesome book sales.  Now I suppose I should write a book and call it “The Audacity of Having Money” or “Dreams of my Failure”.

It’s sort of funny how people go all mental over the Xanga front page about whether or not they get on the front page or not.  I’d hate to see how they’d act if they achieved anything in their real life.

Sometimes I think arguing with people on Xanga is as about as useful as explaining quantum physics to a potato.

New Xanga motto: Xanga is a great place to meet new friends and in your case so are insane asylums, prisons, and brothels.

Part of me says I should go to bed early so I can be healthy but the other part of me says I should stay up late and check Xanga because if I don’t I may miss something.  Guess which side wins.

Whenever there are fights on Xanga, I feel like I’m a maid and I’m listening to a husband and wife fighting while I clean the glassware and worry if there is any more Lemon Pledge.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, be prepared to have someone write a 15 page essay in response to your last post accusing you of ableism.

You really have to plan what time you post on Xanga.  You could post and reveal the meaning of life and all the world’s secret but if you don’t post it at the right time all you’ll get are marriage proposals from Nigerian princesses.

It's nice to come back to Xanga to see people express their hatred for my belief system.  Ah...Xanga!

Well it’s that time of the night where I transform myself from a sophisticated humor blogger to a hopeless train wreck.  Good night, everyone.