Did you know that the month of May is National Masturbation Month?  It's fitting since there is a month for almost everything under the sun.  Why not masturbation?  If there is a Raptor Month and a Play the Recorder Month there should be a Masturbation Month.  National Masturbation Month was created by a retail store called Good Vibrations in 1994 in wake of the firing of U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders, who advocated that information about masturbation be included in sex ed classes.  The month started out as a form of activism and now it's evolved into a way to promote business and the benefits.  Also it has broken down the stigmata of masturbation.  I remember a religion class in my high school where we were discussing the story of Onan who was struck dead after having sex with his sister-in-law because he spilled his seed on the ground.  Many Christian groups considered this to be the "Do it and Die" law of God but they failed to read the part of the story where God commanded Onan to produce an heir for his deceased brother.  Anyway, if this was the case the world would be less populated since 95% of men admit to the act and 89% of women do as well.  There'd only be a few nuns and monks left on the earth.

Maybe you don't like using the term "masturbation".  Here are some euphemisms for male masturbation:
Adjusting the antenna, Aiding and abetting a known felon, Applying the hand brake, Arguing with Henry Longfellow, Barking up the wrong tree, Buck the slobbering donkey, Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come, Date Miss Michigan, Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters, Exercise one's right, Enjoying a quiet evening at home with Philip K. Dick, Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money,  Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head, Hoisting your own petard, Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship's primary firing mechanism by repeated linear manipulation.

Here are some euphemisms for female masturbation:
A night in with the girls, Beating around the bush, Carnal Tunnel Syndrome, Checking for oil, Diving for pearls, Double clicking the mouse, Engaging in safe sex, Exploring Pi with two digits, Hitchhiking South, Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig, Lap-based web browsing, Roughing up the witness, Ruminating and pondering, She-Bop, Shuffling your iPod, Strumming the banjo,

Here's where the business aspect comes in.


He must raise a lot of money at the Masturbate-a-thon.

I'm surprised that no one has asked for videos of masturbation to help eliminate prostate cancer.  Have a fun month, enjoy yourselves. 

Well here we are again.  It's time for some links.  Maybe you like them, maybe you don't.  I just like sharing them and if you hate that then you can go to hell.  I figured I needed to shake things up a bit and also question why I lost 8 followers while I was gone.  How fickle can people be?

1.  I recently saw something about how Pizza Hut is unveiling a new stuffed crust that will only be available in London during the summer Olympics this year.  It will be a hot dog stuffed inside the outer edge of the crust.  I have also heard they are experimenting with a cheeseburger crust.  Then there's Taco Bell with the Doritos tacos and this winter they plan on releasing the Cool Ranch Doritos shells.  Let's face facts, people, fast food joints want us dead.  Here's proof.

2.  I've been around Xanga for some time and one of my favorite bits of drama is when Christians battle it out with atheists over the origin of the cosmos.  People always throw around stuff about certain groups of scientists saying this and saying that.  I always laugh because it seems people take scientists' words to be as golden as the Bible.  I laugh because there are scientists out there who believe some crazy stuff and have crazy theories.  Here are 5 great scientists who believed some crazy stuff.  I recently saw a show on History Channel that covered the stuff about Newton.  I found it fascinating yet laughable because when people spend time trying to predict Judgement Day they always forget the words of Christ.

3.  Planning on going to the beach this summer?  Need a new beach towel that will make everyone laugh?  Well then you need a Dick Towel.  I love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

4.  One of my favorite Tumblrs is called Lana Del Ray Dancing.  They take photos and insert Lana Del Ray dancing her wooden Saturday Night Live dance into the photo.

5.  While Lana Del Ray dances on the previous site, Madonna Shuffles on Things on this site.  It's basically the same principle but it's a senior citizen from Michigan with a British accent dancing on random things.

6.  This is a make-over Tumblr site.  It takes photos of celebrities and makes them look like punk rockers.  It's called Punk Rock Celebs.  The most recent one is quite frightening.

7.  How do you eat a cupcake?  I either unwrap it and then bite in so I get equal icing and cake in one bite or I rip the top off, eat the bottom and then eat the top(thanks to Elaine Benes for that tip).  Well according to this site, I'm eating cupcakes wrong.  My mind is blown.

8.  I have found an awesome party game that is similar to Russian Roulette but without the guns.  It's called Bite the Bullet.  The game consists 12 chocolate shaped bullets and one is filled with a hot pepper.  Each player rolls a 12 sided die and then eat the corresponding bullet.  This would be fun for a Xanga meet-up or my surprise birthday party.

9.  I've been hearing a lot of buzz about the Miami Marlins new ballpark and it sounds like it's more of a culinary experience or a nightclub than a baseball stadium.  Here's an article about the food served at the stadium...so hungry but I'll settle for plain old beer brats at Miller.

10.  I found this site called the Cheese and Burger Society and they made cheeseburgers for specific cities.  My favorite has to be the Milwaukee.  And speaking of Milwaukee, a while back I wrote about Milwaukee day.  People sort of scoffed at my thoughts that Milwaukee is the most romantic city in the Midwest if not America.  Here's 100 things to do in Milwaukee.

11.  I know some of you are out there trying to finish up last minute essays and people might be looking over your shoulder to make sure you're actually doing your work instead of cruising Xanga.  Well here's a handy site called Essay Typer.  You write your topic in the line and then searches wikipedia for your topic and then a word processing page comes up and you can press any key on your keyboard and it will look like you're writing your essay.  Just don't print it out because that's plagiarism.

12.  I found a dating site and I don't know if I should give it a go.  It's called Farmers Only and it's a dating site for people who live and work on farms because city folks just don't get it.

Maybe the government needs to give blankets with smallpox to all the people who lose their homes.  It worked before.

I actually go driving around looking for milkshakes in girls' yards.

Pretty much

I'm in line

Medio loco en el coco...Ido de la mente!

I think that's creepier than the original song.

Photographic proof they fart

That's pretty much how I plan on winning the Senate seat Herb Kohl is vacating.

I was such a badass kid.  Lite beer is what we give our kids in Wisconsin.

I'm probably going to hell for this but this is my favorite Dancing Lana Del Ray pic.

God won.

And this post was close to being good...close but no cigar.  LAME!

Sad new, there will be no celebrity round up tomorrow because I will be busy in the evening being at the University of Wisconsin doing stuff and the time I need to put into a round up is not available to me.  If you are pissed off and want to break our friendship, go to hell.  I need to stop with that assertiveness.  Have a good time period between the time you read this and my next post.