This just in: screaming profanities at an empty text editor will not write posts for you.

When you read this post, try to read it in Forrest Gump’s voice and then you’ll pretty much be at my level.

Remember when the word “special” was used as a compliment.

Gold’s Gym opened in Cuba this week.  People are still standing in line to use the rowing machine not because they want to row a boat to America but because they only have one rowing machine because the news and schools teach us that communism is horrible and they don't have awesome stuff like we have in America like cheeseburger with donuts as buns or skillets of cheese.

I once met Eminem and it was pretty awkward.  His palms were sweaty and his knees were weak and his arms were heavy.  If I remember correctly he also had vomit on his sweatshirt already.

Married people talking about their spouse, love, and children in front of a single person is torture and needs to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

I wish I had Steve Jobs’ ambition is life.  He really lived life to the Macs.

When you’re funny you can say whatever you want and people will laugh.  I’m starting to like being an asshole.

You know your life is pathetic when your parents suggest you try eharmony or match.com or Plenty of Fish or Farmers Only or Fuckbook.

I was at a school doing my schtick and this teacher had in a lesson plan that the class would listen to traditional Indian music because they were studying India.  The first song on the CD was “Paper Planes”by M.I.A.  I felt like it was really time for me to leave this planet.

My life has sunk to new lows…listening to polka music while looking at porn.  I must say that it makes the porn more delightful and rhythmic.

I’m still pissed about Kony 2012.  They marketed it all wrong.  They shouldn’t have said “the one thing we all agree on”.  There is only one thing that everyone agrees on and that is that asses are utterly amazing.

The best way you can tell how bad of a person you are is to see how long you masturbate after a tragedy. Five minutes after news broke about the earthquake in Japan, I was watching a DVD titled Asian Anal Assassins.

I want to get a motorcycle just so girls will pose semi-nude in front of it.  Seriously, have you ever seen a motorcycle without a scantily clad woman next to it?  It doesn’t exist, especially not in my Easy Rider magazines.

I’m an ugly guy but I’d make a pretty attractive chimpanzee.

The often say that real women have curves.  I’m not sure about that but I do know that real women have retractable claws and communicate via echolocation.

I’d like to think of my writing as poignant and inspiring but most of the time it comes off as weird and whiny.

“Wow, gas prices sure are reasonable.” -nobody

If I ever have children and they ask me what I did when I was younger I will tell them I stopped Kony and cancer through social media.

Have you ever stopped to think that money is just pieces of paper with meaningless numbers printed on them? When you realize this and want to give away your meaningless paper, send me an email so I can send you my address so I can help you get rid of your meaningless paper.

I wish people followed me on Xanga because they like what I write and not because I have a massive penis.

Whenever someone calls me “cool” I can’t tell if they are saying that I’m actually cool or that I’m a constipated overrated outcast loser.  I hate my love of acronyms sometimes.

Lifealert needs to invent a new necklace alert pendent that you press when you’re stuck on the internet and won’t get off.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I need a new hobby that doesn’t involve me sitting at the internet and thinking I’ve wasted my life.

Have you ever noticed that rappers have stopped rapping about cars and cruising around since gas prices sky rocketed?

I think school’s should drop teaching cursive handwriting and teach Japanese or Chinese writing characters so they will be able to know what their character tattoos actually say in the future.

Why is America still fighting the war on drugs?  It’s not like drugs have any oil.

I always hate talking to women I don’t know because they always ask annoying questions like “Why is your hand on my ass?”

Does Pinterest have anything to do with beer?  If it does I am so going to make an account.

Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in “women”you get “own me”?  John Boehner and Mitch McConnell told me that.

I once dropped a can of beer but caught it before it hit the ground.  Where’s my parade?

The creator of The Price is Right died at the age of 91.  I guessed he'd die at 95 and went over so I won’t get any of his inheritance money.

I went walking in the rain and thanks to Adele I now have third degree burns all over my body.

Whenever I enter a room, people say, “The circus is here.”  I ask why and they say because the elephant is in the room.

Have you ever had the feeling that our government is asking Miss America contestants for advice concerning running this country?  Also, President Obama is supposedly all about creating jobs so why is my White House housesitter application turned down every time he leaves the White House?  I could be an awesome White House housesitter.

There is no “I” in “denial”

I think I’ve encountered the most awkward experience on earth: talking to a girl I fingered in 8^th grade and received a handjob from with her husband about their family and dog breeding business.  Stay abstinent, kids.  It will save you from awkward conversations.

Do people who claim they get high on life ever have overdoses when they have really good days?

I have heard mixed stories about how well porn pays because I’ve wanted to start my own production company. I asked a friend who worked in the industry and she said that only people who film anal sex scenes make a butt-load.

I went to the liquor store the other night and some kids asked me to buy them some beer.  I was a responsible adult and lectured them because they asked me to get them Bud Light.  You'd think kids in Wisconsin would have a taste for real beer and not that rice water crap.

I hate it when people make a big deal out of something that is small unless it’s my penis.

I think the person who coined the term “same shit, different day” was talking about Xanga.  Wait, have I already done that joke?

Xanga is the only place where you can find people arguing about religion on a post about snowboarding.

Every time someone says some insane shit on Xanga I find myself looking for a camera so I can make a sarcastic face like on The Office.

Hey, everyone, I have this really awesome way to avoid Xanga drama.  First, don’t click on links written by people with whom you have differing opinions.  Second, don’t comment on that site.  Third, don’t recommend it.  Finally, scroll to another site preferably someone who posts positive things.  It’s just that simple and if you follow that you can enjoy Xanga and be cool.

I was talking about Xanga to my dad and he’s convinced that someone is going to come and kill me.  I reassured him that no one on Xanga leaves their rooms just like me.

Does this Xanga account make me look like a virgin?

There are people on Xanga that I think are vampires but instead of feeding on blood, they feed on attention from strangers on the internet and drama.

Listening to people gossip about other Xangans is like listening to dogs barking at each other. It’s pointless.  Get outside and get some air but don't listen to the dogs bark because they might start telling you to kill.