How about instead of hating on people on Xanga we do something productive like catch Kony or legalize LSD?

So often I want to be like Martin Luther and post something revolutionary but I usually settle for writing 95 reasons why someone is a douchebag and then I staple it to their forehead.

I felt bad playing in the World Series of Poker a few years ago when I was going up against an amputee. I told him to fold because he didn’t have a good hand. 

My life can be summed up by “When you try your hardest and still don’t succeed.”

Ladies, I am a polite gentleman.  I will hold doors open for you.  I’ll open the car door for you.  I’ll carry you over puddles.  I’ll bring you flowers.  I’ll shower you with compliments after I shower myself with soap and water and not just cologne because I'm not that Irish.  I’ll politely ask if I can fondle your breasts. I am a gentleman.

A radio station near me once had a disgruntled employee and he programmed a continuous loop of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”for an entire day.  No one seemed to notice because most radio stations only have four songs in their rotation.

Because the world is becoming more obese, Led Zeppelin is in works to re-release “Stairway to Heaven” but they plan on calling it “Escalator to Heaven”.  I know I’d ride it.

I think the best way to weigh yourself is when you are naked.  I just wish they understood at the pharmacy.

I once worked as a waiter and one of my first customers was a vampire.  He ordered a steak and I asked how he’d like it and he said, “Not wooden and nowhere near my heart.”

I think the reason I sleep on my stomach is because subconsciously I think I’m a superhero and my blanket is my cape.

I once suggested a student read Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States”.  That student came to tell me how much they enjoyed the book after class and they said, “Mr. Awesome, that book was the bomb.  When I got to the part about Columbus and the Native Americans, I was all like ‘Oh hell no, Christopher Columbus with your stank ass.’”

I sometimes will look back on my life and have a hard time believing about things that have happened. I question if it really happened because some events are just really out there like going to school with a crimefighter named Checkerman to getting a job application from a guy named Christ. I know this isn’t a joke and if you don’t like it let me know so I can block you because my brother was saved by Checkerman when the evil Chessmaster took him hostage but he was later killed by the Monopoly Man, who was driving the thimble while drunk.

Whatever happened to Dane Cook?  Did he die? Must be, since his career sure did. If there is one thing that Dane Cook has taught us it’s that using a curse word every other word in a sentence it’s hilarious.

If people ask me to do something and I say, “No problem,”it’s usually because I’m being polite and that’s a better thing to say than“that was inconvenient and I won’t point it out because if I do you’ll call me a cunt.”

The best part about the internet is that no matter what you think there is some idiot out there that agrees with you.  I’m happy I found my “The center of the Earth is made of marshmallows and barbecue ribs” support group.

If someone uses the word “gay” in a way that doesn’t refer to homosexuality and no one around is offended is it still offensive?

When I go to the movies, I never have to worry about putting my phone on silent because no one ever calls or texts me.

I sort of wish dating in real life was like The Sims where all you have to do is flirt a few times and then you’re married that night and you never get divorced.

I got kicked out of Walmart because I gave myself a genital exam.  I guess I misunderstood the concept of a self-checkout lane.

If any of you forgot to get your mom something for Mother’s Day it’s not to late to get her a good gift. Just put the toilet seat down.

I remember the time my girlfriend bought Chicago Cubs pajamas.  I never scored after she bought them.  We were really into S&M.  She always slept and I masturbated.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

And in case you didn't know, some of those were for my female followers because well I'm trying to turn over a new leaf but I think in my case underneath that leaf is a dog turd.  Anyway, I love you, ladies that follow me. 

Have you ever noticed how racist TV is?  When white girls get pregnant, they get an entire season of “16 and Pregnant” on MTV, but when black girls get pregnant,they’re lucky to get 5 minutes on Maury.

Nothing says “this marriage won’t last” quite like a Walmart engagement ring…I buy all my engagement rings at Walmart.

I once googled “what women want” and my computer crashed.

If Ghost Hunters ever visited my house, I’d be afraid of what the old lady who walks around my upstairs tells them I do when I’m alone and oiled up.

I sometimes think that some people only watch NASCAR for the fiery crashes and the subsequent commemorative plates.

This week scientists discovered a Mayan calendar that goes past 2012.  If you just breathed a sigh of relief you watch way too much History Channel.

I still haven’t forgiven my 1^st grade teacher who sent that note home to my parents that said I had a problem with holding grudges.

I used to think obesity wasn’t an epidemic in America but then I realized we have flavored floss.

Ron Paul may not have dropped out of the race to win the GOP nomination but he did drop out of the race to convince children he is not Gargamel and doesn’t want to eat the Smurfs.

Thanks to President Obama’s declaration that he is in favor of gay marriage, I am taking this relationship with this cheeseburger to a whole new level.

I got kicked out of watching The Avengers because I got so excited and started humping the air.  I have a feeling that all the money that movie is making doesn’t translate to the number of people seeing the movie because that day 15 of us were kicked out of the theater for excited air humping.

Real life conversation: “Hey, godfather, did you know that Ron Jeremy has his own rum?”  “Yeah, I knew that, it’s called Ron de Jeremy rum.” “I wonder how it goes down.” “Probably on itself.”  That was quite an awkward car ride with my mom after that.

Did you know that 40% of America’s annual tree harvest ends up as Mother’s Day cards for Michelle Duggar?

Everyone is talking about the exposed breast on the cover of time but no one is talking about the tit on this month’s Audubon Magazine.

I can’t believe people are against gay marriage because if you want people to stop having gay sex then you let them get married.

I like role-playing during sex.  Usually I pretend I’m not alone.

I once heard someone say they came to Xanga to find a soulmate.  I suggested she straddle a speaker and listen to Barry White.

I’m glad I have Xanga for self-validation because I would’ve been a horrible stripper.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: where you get to relive your childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: Escape the idiots you know in real life to be surrounded by idiots you don’t know.

Is it me or does anyone else think that Xanax should be the official sponsor of Xanga?

Xanga has saved me from a horrible “keeping my thoughts to myself” addiction.

Some people use Xanga like they are campaigning to be thenext Dali Lama.

I am thankful for my mom and was happy to tell her that on Mother’s Day.  Without her, I wouldn’t have all these issues that make me hilarious.

I was amazed that when I was gone for that time period awhile back I lost friends here.  What could I possibly be doing to piss you off if I’m not even posting?

When is Xanga prom?