Ugh
And now it's time for the celebrity round up
NSFW and NSFL
In the worst-kept secret in Hollywood, FOX had a presentation in L.A. this week unveiling the new judges on The X Factor. Joining Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid will be Britney Spears and Demi Lovato. I think they should rename the show The WTF Factor. I mean I wrote about Britney taking over back in February so everyone knew that she was going to be on the show but Demi Lovato...wtf? I mean Simon had Chaka Khan and Janet Jackson throwing themselves at him to be a judge on that show so he picks Demi Lovato. I bet it's because she's younger and he likes younger women. It's rumored that Britney will be receiving $15million for her appearance on this show. There's going to be no shortage of crazy on this show and I think Simon will have to keep a straightjacket under the desk. I also hear that Britney's and Demi's dressing rooms will be padded and there will be no sharp objects or chicken wings anywhere in sight. This should be a fun season.
I had never heard of William Levy until he was on Dancing with the Has Beens Stars. I know a lot of women are going nuts over him but a story came out this week about him that could change your mind. An aspiring actress named Grace Roubidoux talked about their escapades. She said that he chatted her up and was flirting with her and then talked about all the women he's filmed having sex with him and then he started showing her the videos he kept on his phone. He then tried to talk her into filming a sex tape with him. When she wouldn't agree to filming their sex, he laughed it off and had sex with her anyway without a camera. Grace said the sex was magical and that he was the epitome of Casanova. I'm throwing up. He's sort of a forward bastard. He went right for the sex tape without a long relationship. I have to wait for at least the one year anniversary or the vodka to kick in...whichever happens first. So this guy has game. How often does showing a woman a video of you having sex with another woman work? How classy! I wish I had that game but then I'm chasing after supermodels and soccer moms and not hotel hostesses who claim they are aspiring actresses and fans of Dancing with the Stars.
Trent Reznor turned 47 this week. I really loved this guy's music. I'm sad he hasn't put much out in the past few years but he has kept working with music in that he's working on soundtracks. I'm still amazed that he won an Oscar for his work on The Social Network soundtrack. I remember when I was in high school and college how some people, including myself, had the goal to collect every single halo of his work. See he called his musical releases Halo ___ and then the number. They were numbered by order of release and any collector could neatly organize their Nine Inch Nails collection. I think I only got halfway through because I could never find the singles discs.
Tina Fey turned 42 this week. I don't know what to think of this woman. There are times when I love her work and then there are times when I loathe her. Oh well...she knows how to take a photo.
Elisabetta Canalis filmed a publicity stunt with Sacha Baron Cohen to help promote The Dictator. They frolicked on a yacht that is owned by Cohen's fictional character general Aladeen and then she looked at his junk and then he tossed her off the side of the yacht in a trash bag. I doubt she knew this was a publicity stunt. Just a few months ago she was sleeping in George Clooney's Italian villa and then she was sleeping on Steve-O's couch and then she is thrown off the side of a yacht. Going from Steve-O to a murderous dictator isn't that much of a step especially not when your rent is due.
Robert Pattinson (left) turned 26 this week. I know all you Twilight lovers just love him in that movie so this is for you. I'm not much of a fan of his acting because I've only seen two of his movies and one is Twilight. The other was Water for Elephants and I really dug that movie but I think that's because of the ties to this area with the Circus World Museum and Ringling Brothers.
The National Enquirer is reporting that Raven-Symone is a lesbian and is in love with a former contestant on America's Next Top Model named AzMarie. They said that AzMarie has moved in with Raven while Raven is doing her run on Broadway in the musical Sister Act. hmmm that's moderately Raven. Raven didn't like the report and took to Twitter to state her opinions on what they wrote about her: "I'm living my PERSONAL life the way I'm happiest. I'm not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I'm dating. and I shall not start now. My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I'm datings to know. I'm not one for a public display of my life. However that is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I'm not harming anyone. I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!" OK she's been in showbiz for 25 years? I feel so old because I remember her on The Cosby Show. Light being made from love? Isn't that from the Care Bears? Oh, that's so Raven.
Paris Hilton went to an opening of a nightclub in Los Angeles and she wore this provocative plunging neckline shirt. What's that? Paris just went to the airport? Oh she's a whore.
Miley Cyrus was in Miami this week and she was spotted hocking a loogie off her balcony. Residents of Miami were confused when they felt it raining but there weren't any clouds in the sky. Billy Ray was confused when he say this photo because he thought Miley was a swallower.
Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth adopted another dog last week. This is the fifth dog that they've adopted. Miley took to Twitter and said that they named this dog Mary Jane. Well I guess it's fitting for Miley since she likes marijuana. Mary Jane is a better name for a dog than some of the other things she enjoys like Billy Ray or Moonshine or Chocolate Penis Cake.
So this movie about male strippers opened this weekend. It's called Magic Mike and it stars some guys who shed their clothes. Are any of you ladies planning on seeing this? I was going to say that if you wanted a date I could accompany you. I'm sort of at the point in life where I can tolerate chick flicks if it means companionship. I am so alone.
A while back there were rumors circulating that a high ranking member of the "Church" of Scientology was leaving the group. Well Lisa Marie Presley's new album contains a song that may be a song about her break-up with L. Ron Hubbard and Xenu. It's called "So Long" and it goes like:
This here is a city without lights
Those are all the people without eyes
Churches, they don't have a soul
Soup for sale without a bowl
Religion so corrupt and running lives
Farewell, fair weathered friends
I can't say I'll miss you in the end
So long, seems that I was so wrong
Seems I wasn't that strong
Dead wrong, and now I'm long gone
Wrong side, I've been sleeping on the wrong side
Stains all over my soul I can't hide
Nothing's more clear than goodbye
These roads they don't lead to anything
These people they talk, they say nothing
Actors who don't have a part
Heartfelt people with no heart
I'll find a new crowd
Make a new start
Farewell, fair weathered friends
I can't say I'll miss you in the end
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, say nothing at all if you've nothing nice to say
Lisa Marie's publicists haven't responded to claims by the Village Voice that she left the church but another former alien worshiper, Jefferson Hawkins, said this: "I think it expresses how a lot of people feel when they leave Scientology -- they have realized that it is a corrupt church, and is trying to control its members, micromanage their lives. They realize that it is a church without a soul." I'd rather hear a goodbye to Scientology song being a long, wet fart into an e-meter but this will suffice. Scientology has had a pretty bad month with this break-up, the John Travolta accusations, and Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages.
Lindsay Lohan is telling people that she's serious about her role as Elizabeth Taylor and wants to start over. She's really serious this time folks. She's actually dressing herself and putting on her own make-up. Also she's been screening every single Elizabeth Taylor movie she can get her hands on. And she's even went to talk to people who knew Taylor including two of Taylor's ex-husbands and her former hairdresser. Lindsay's trying to prove all the Hollywood honchos who said she had no future wrong. The joke's on you, Hollywood honchos, because this movie will be the best rating Lifetime Network will ever have. This movie will be The Avengers of basic cable movies. I guess to compare the two you'd have to replace Thor's hammer and Captain America's shield with a rolled up dollar bill and a glass table. Actually I have a feeling that this movie will end so badly that Lifetime Network will end up making a movie about the making of the Elizabeth Taylor biopic. I'll even donate the title: "Fucked Up: The Fall and Slight Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan -- starring Lindsay Lohan and a pile of cocaine".
52 year old Linda Hogan broke up with her 23 year old fiance Charlie Hill this week. This makes me so sad. If Linda and Charlie couldn't make it, then who can? There is no hope for the rest of us. This is bad timing for Charlie because who will drive him to the Boy Scout Jamboree now? Maybe he can convince Betty White to give him a ride if she's not to busy trying to resurrect NBC. You know, it seems like every chapter of Linda's life has been written by Stephen King and now I wonder who she'll terrorize next. Judging by her tan, my guess is she's going to get attached to some Oompa Loompas.
Even though Leonardo DiCaprio has never won an Oscar for best actor, he's a very smart man when it comes to movies. They are currently casting for a new movie called "The Wolf of Wall Street" and supposedly they are casting for a female part that requires the female to be completely nude. The actresses have to wear sexy lingerie for their casting call and Leonardo has been present at all the casting sessions and then when they find a potential actress they ask her to do a scene with Leonard but she has to do it completely naked. The guy is genius. He's getting to see all these chicks naked and after he gets his jollies he tells them, "thanks for coming but we're going to go with someone else." This is what it means to be on the A-List. Leonardo DiCaprio is now in Johnny Depp area even though he doesn't have the range of Depp. We all know Leo will be a plumber and lay pipe on whoever gets that role and there's no shame in that but the shame comes in is when you have to do it in front of the director, producers, writers, agents, key grips, cameramen, and catering crew. I'm surprised Lindsay Lohan hasn't signed up for that role.
Ke¢ha actually looks good here and no longer looks like a steaming pile of garbage. It's amazing what HAZMAT can do for a person. I may have to start replacing the ¢ with a $.
Hey, Kendra Wilkinson, what's with the sudden modesty? Remember when you posed naked in the pages of Playboy? Why wear something to cover your bikini? Remember when you slept with an 86 year old man? Yeah, why the modesty? You aren't fooling anyone. We know you want to walk around naked and sleep with old men.
So this is what Katy Perry looks like now. It looks like she got the goth starter kit at Hot Topic and all that's missing is the coffin shaped lunchbox and torn up Cure t-shirt. When you have a kick ass body and the ability to hoist up your rack to your neck, I have no idea why she'd look like this. I wonder if Russell Brand's semen contains some sort of poison. Maybe Katy is just dressing like that because she is the official face of Hot Topic. I just hope all the other celebrities don't start picking on her because she looks different.
Kate Gosslein was planning on hosting a cruise on Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas from August 12 to 19. For $1,900 to $3,200 people could go on the cruise, attend a welcoming ceremony hosted by Kate, attend a Q&A session with Kate, have their photos taken with her, and do crafts taught by Kate herself. The cruise was set to start and end in Fort Lauderdale and go to Jamaica, Cozumel, and Haiti. Yes, that Haiti, the poorest nation in the Caribbean and the Western world. Oh and apparently August is during hurricane season. I wish I could've told you about this sooner because who wouldn't want to drop $3000 so they could spend time on a boat with Kate Gosslein. Well Royal Caribbean canceled the cruise because of poor ticket sales. I want to say only 15 people had booked for the cruise but I think that number is too high. I had to find the most flattering photo of Kate for this story. Here we see her mimicking what it's like to give me head.
What are you doing over summer break? I bet none of you are doing anything as awesome as John Waters. The 66 year old filmmaker is hitchhiking his way across America. A band called Here We Go Magic were driving in Ohio on their way to their next show and they saw him walking along the side of the road. The band tweeted about the experience and it sounds like it was quite a fun time. I'd love to have Waters in my car just to talk with him about his films. My guess is that this may be some fodder for a new movie or a new book.
Poor John Travolta...he thought his problems had ended when the first sexual harassment lawsuit against him had been thrown out because the dates were wrong but it was just re-filed. He currently has 4 lawsuits thrown against him and a couple of the victims have hired Gloria Aldred as their lawyer so John is going to have some explaining to do. Also one of the most disturbing things about this is that this week a suicide note from a botched suicide attempt that Jeff Conaway wrote in 2006 mentioned how Travolta molested him. Conaway wrote that in the 90s Travolta was visiting Conaway and he woke up to John Travolta performing oral sex on him. I don't know how much I believe that because the two sources that "revealed" this suicide note were The National Enquirer and Conaway's ex-girlfriend Vikki Luz who if you remember anything about Conaway's last bits of acting was just as drugged up as him. But then it might explain why their friendship ended when they had been the best of friends after being co-stars on Grease up until the 90s.
Former teen heartthrob, Joey Lawrence, has a new gig. He has signed on to be a stripper for Chippendales. He says his show will including singing, dancing, comedy, and the whole nine yards. I guess he didn't make a lot of money while working on Blossom or that sitcom on ABC Family that lasted a few episodes. Oh well, a check is a check.
In a post pregnancy interview with In Touch Weekly, Jessica Simpson admitted that she had a c-section because of how big her baby was. She also claims that she gained 80lbs during her pregnancy. Hmm I wonder if she's just jacking that number up so her deal with Weight Watchers looks more dramatic when she sheds the pregnancy pounds. Also in the interview Jessica has started calling Maxi a butterball turkey. Oh how nice. But Jessica should be elated because that little Butterball has fetched her $800,000 for exclusive baby photos. The funny thing is that the amount she's getting paid is no where near the amount Matthew McConaughey received ($3million) or Jennifer Lopez received ($6million). It's still an obscene amount of money for something that looks like an alien being to me.
George Lucas turned 68 this week. He celebrated his birthday by butchering the original Star Wars trilogy once again. This time he's added Jar Jar Binks into every scene and added 25 seconds of additional nonsense.
Donna Summer passed away this week at the age of 63 after a battle with lung cancer. She believed that she got the cancer after inhaling toxins in wake of the attacks on the World Trade Center. Donna had quite the career. She sold over 100 million albums, had 11 gold and platinum albums, fourteen top 10 singles, 4 #1 singles, and 5 Grammys. I know a lot of people have said that disco is dead well THE voice of the disco era is now dead. Donna Summer will be greatly missed.
Courtney Stodden had a photoshoot this week and in the photoshoot she channeled Bo Derek from the movie 10. I guess this makes sense since nothing about her is original and she's already done photoshoots as Pam Anderson and Marilyn Monroe. If you want to see more of the shoot click here.
Chris Brown was spotted flirting with a girl in L.A. this week. He pulled up to her in his SUV and got her phone number and took a photo with her. This girl has to be the bravest person in the world. She probably fights tigers and sleeps in a bed filled with cobras and spiders because she obviously has no concept of fear.
Even though Chloe Sevigny feasted on Vincent Gallo's real dick for the movie Brown Bunny, she had issues with wearing a prosthetic penis for the movie Hit & Miss. She said wearing the fake dong made her cry. "I cried every day when they put it on. I felt very exposed… having people so close to your personal parts anyway -- who you're not sleeping with -- for an hour-and-a-half each day, to put it on. Then looking in the mirror... it was weird. I was lonely and I felt really unattractive. I was confused about my desirability -- was I desirable? -- in having put that on, and having men see me with that on. I think it might be one of the most extreme roles I've done. If people can believe what's-her-name in 'Avatar,’ hopefully they can believe me as a pre-op." In the movie Hit & Miss Sevigny plays a male-to-female pre-op transgender assassin. Maybe Chloe was crying because wearing a rubber schlong all day made her realize how hard it is for transgender people trapped in a body. Or maybe Chloe is just being Chloe and using her mouth to do stupid shit.
Charlize Theron is gorgeous and she's one of those beautiful people who try to convince us that she was ugly as a child. Charlize is saying that she had jaundice as a child and it left her without any teeth until the age of 11. She said this in an interview this week: "My early childhood was quite devastating. I had no teeth until I was 11.I had these fangs because I had jaundice when I was a kid and I was put on so many antibiotics that my teeth rotted. They had to cut them out. So I never had milk teeth. That was tough, you know, being in school having photos taken while I was pretending I had teeth. It was hideous." What's worse, having no teeth or some janky teeth? Whatever, she's rebounded nicely. She can claim she had no legs until she was in Devil's Advocate and I'd probably buy it. The only thing I'm worried about is young girls knocking out their teeth so they can end up looking like Charlize. Also think about this new Snow White movie she's in. She plays the wicked witch and Kristen "I Have No Facial Expression" Stewart plays Snow White. I think I'll be rooting for the wicked witch and by "rooting" I mean "furiously masturbating".
Brian Eno turned 64. He's one of the great composers of rock and one of the great collaborators. Also this is a preview of things to come for Caturday. Stay tuned.
Here's a first look at Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs in the Steve Jobs biopic. To me Ashton looks more like Ashton Kutcher as Ashton Kutcher.
Abe Vigoda is still alive and he's 91 years young. Abe was out this week for a young lady's roast. That young lady was Betty White. If you're ever wondering whether or not Abe Vigoda is alive or dead, here's the Abe Vigoda status page.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
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